Kakashi stood before the Hokage's desk, hands in his pockets, his posture as casual as ever. But even for him, there was a noticeable weight to his words. Tsunade raised an eyebrow, her fingers steepled as she leaned back, waiting for the full debrief.
"Well, Hokage-sama," Kakashi began, "the mission to the Snow Country was... eventful."
Tsunade immediately caught the undertone and sighed, rubbing her temples. "What did they blow up this time?"
He chuckled awkwardly. "Not blown up. Melted, mostly."
Her eyes narrowed. "Explain."
Kakashi took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for what was bound to sound insane, even by Team 7's standards. "Doto Kazahana, the self-proclaimed ruler of the Snow Country, ambushed us. He used Snow Shinobi to attack and aimed to retrieve the Hex Crystal, which he claimed was the key to some secret treasure. Naturally, we fought back."
"Let me guess—Naruto charged in without thinking?" Tsunade deadpanned.
Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "Actually, it was pretty standard chaos... at first. But then things got complicated. Sasori of the Red Sand was there."
"Sasori?!" Tsunade's voice shot up. "What was he doing there?"
"Apparently hired as insurance by Doto," Kakashi explained. "Long story short, he was more interested in testing his puppets on us than actually helping Doto. Things escalated quickly. Sasori… well, he killed Naruto."
Tsunade froze, her amber eyes wide. "Killed?"
Kakashi nodded grimly. "Beheaded her. Right in front of us."
Silence fell over the room, thick and suffocating. Tsunade's hand clenched the edge of her desk. "And yet you're telling me this with her alive and probably off somewhere causing trouble. What aren't you saying?"
"Well, here's where things get... strange." Kakashi paused, choosing his words carefully. "Sasuke's Sharingan evolved into the Mangekyo after witnessing Naruto's death. Understandable, given the circumstances. But then... Naruto came back."
"Came back?" Tsunade repeated, her tone sharp. "Explain."
"She… reattached herself," Kakashi said, as though that made any sense. "Her head. Her body. It was like nothing had happened. Only—"
"Only what?"
"She's… different now." Kakashi's visible eye shifted, betraying a hint of discomfort. "Instead of her usual overconfidence and criticism, she now praises everything. Everything. And it's unsettling. She speaks in the third person most of the time—'Naruto thinks this, Naruto feels that.' Occasionally, she slips and says 'me,' but it's rare."
Tsunade stared at him, trying to process this. "So, she's alive but… weird."
"Weirder than usual," Kakashi corrected. "She killed Sasori, melted the entirety of the Snow Country's frozen terrain, and accidentally turned it into a paradise of blooming flowers and rivers. Then, by sheer coincidence, she became the star of Yukie Kazahana's latest movie, which was apparently a massive hit. She's now being hailed as the 'cutest actress in the Elemental Nations.'"
Tsunade groaned and buried her face in her hands. "Of course she is."
"Oh, and McPhoenix David—the eccentric director—wants to cast her as the protagonist in his next film," Kakashi added, as if it were the cherry on top of the madness sundae.
"Anything else?" Tsunade muttered through her fingers.
"Yes, actually," Kakashi said, his voice growing more serious. "Yukie Kazahana is now officially the Queen of the Snow Country, thanks to Naruto's... 'help.' The Hex Crystal wasn't treasure—it was a key to activating an ancient machine that terraformed the land. That's what caused the whole melting-flower-blooming incident."
Tsunade's head shot up. "And where's Rock Lee in all of this? He was on this mission, wasn't he?"
Kakashi coughed into his hand. "Ah, yes. We… may have forgotten about him."
"What?!"
"In our defense, the transformation of the Snow Country and Naruto's resurrection were pretty distracting," Kakashi said, holding up his hands. "It took us three extra days to realize we'd left him behind. We found him training amidst the flowers, wondering where everyone went."
Tsunade stared at him, utterly incredulous. "You left Lee in the Snow Country for three days?!"
Kakashi shrugged helplessly. "He was fine. A bit confused, but otherwise fine."
"And you're calling this mission a success?" Tsunade asked, her voice dripping with disbelief.
"Technically, it was," Kakashi said with a small smile. "Doto Kazahana is defeated. The Snow Country is thriving. Yukie is queen. Sasuke unlocked the Mangekyo Sharingan. Sakura learned a lot about field medicine. And Naruto... well, Naruto came back from the dead."
Tsunade sighed deeply, slumping back in her chair. "This team is going to kill me one day."
Kakashi chuckled softly. "It does keep things interesting."
She glared at him. "Get out."
"Yes, Hokage-sama." Kakashi gave a lazy salute and turned to leave.
"And Kakashi," Tsunade called after him, her tone warning.
He paused, looking over his shoulder. "Yes?"
"Next time, try not to leave anyone behind."