*Friday
What did people mean when they said, 'I'm alive?' or 'it's alive?' Is it when something is capable of breathing air, making sound, and/or eating? When something is simply playing the game of survival.
No, that's not exactly right. They don't have to be in the game.
We tend to call something that does not breathe a she, does not eat a he, does not live, us. Take the example of a car owner. If the car is good enough, they'd start to treat their machine as their own children. In fact, some treat it better than their own flesh and blood. So is it alive then?
Maybe just existing is enough. Being and have been—known and seen. Like Albert Einstein, who is long dead, and he's still being talked about—some with admiration, some hatred. The guy doesn't feel like he died.
So, where is the line?
Is the table in front of me alive? The couch? The window? The wall? If they're not, why are they watching me with judging eyes? And how are they able to talk?
"What are you still doing here all alone?" says the wall. I can't find his mouth anywhere but his flesh of white bricks.
"The bell… hasn't rung,"
I answer. I talk to the wall.
The table screams, "But your student left almost half an hour ago you have no reason to be here anymore."
"Sohee. If I stick around longer, she might come in here."
"What are you still doing here all alone?" The wall, now louder.
"I have answered that."
He repeats his question.
I decided not to talk to him anymore. It's like talking to a wall.
"Why not give her a call so you can be done with this quickly?" The table suggests.
"If you want to get out quickly," The window cries, "throw yourself at me!"
"Oh shut up if the man does what you're told he'd be falling to his death."
"A quick and painless death!"
"There's nothing painless about smashing your head through your glasses."
—" Enough," I rub my temple as if trying to get out of this headache. "I'm not going to kill myself."
"But you're looking so sad."
"I'm not sad, I'm just lost what to do."
It has been almost a week since I became the tutor, and I haven't made a single progress toward… whatever The One Who Puts Me Here asks me to do. Something. I have to do something before I get thrown back to the very first point again.
But before I decided on anything, I wanted to discuss this with someone smart and trustworthy.
As if summoned by my thoughts, the door creaks open.
The eyes that were watching, the voices that were talking, all disappeared in the instant.
"Sunbae?" she tilts her head. A stack of papers on top of her arms, "Are you talking to someone just now?"
"Hm? Ah yeah, I was on a phone."
"That's so."
She sets the pile on the table and tosses herself on the couch… just close enough near me.
The smell of burnt sugar and berries enters my nostril.
"Finally, I can get some rest," she exhales and gives me a sheepish smile. "Am I being rude, Sunbae?"
"You deserved it."
That one wasn't a lie. If she wants to choke me to death for being a fraud, she can do it, and I won't lay a finger on her.
It is rare, though, to see Sohee so relaxed. Her blazer is slightly loosened, revealing her white blouse.
Which reminds me of what happened yesterday with Shizuka.
My body is getting a little excited.
Maybe I do deserve some relaxation.
"Sunbae, you better not tell anyone, not even Maria, okay?"
"Why? People ought to know you're cuter when you're relaxed."
Her face flushes, "Eep! Don't, don't be joking about me like that, Sunbae. I… I could have the wrong idea?"
"I wasn't joking, though."
The pink eyes behind the round glasses search for my attention. Here, Sohee, I'm looking at you. The color of her cheeks is almost as pink as the strands of her hair brushing them.
The air suddenly thickens. I can hear our breathing.
Then the pinks turn away, tidying the stack, which is already like a brick.
"S–So, how's it with Shizuka today?"
"She never stops being on her laptop."
"Geez, that girl.. She is just so… inappropriate."
"That's why I think of changing my approach."
She stops her hand and puts her face toward me once again, "Sunbae?"
Let's begin.
"I've wasted my time by just sitting here. I know you said that the girls will eventually come around and join the class, as they did before me. But I can't be like the other teachers who've failed. I need to learn from them."
Sohee is fidgeting with her sleeve, waiting for me to continue.
"So I decided to approach the girls differently. I am going after the girls, as both tutor and a… friend."
She stares at herself for a moment… "Sunbae, but the girls are very hostile toward you. They won't take it as a good thing if Sunbae starts to… poke around their life outside of the class."
"I'd like it if they start hating me because of that, at least it's better than what they think of me now."
Shizuka probably thought of me as a mere play doll. Varrie, a rapist. Nelly, a big, scary monster that chews her skin like a gummy bear. And Carrie, nothing.
"I don't know, Sunbae," she tightened her lips, "no teacher ever attempts to do it like that."
"Wasn't I the first tutor? The first man to ever teach this class? Then I'd also be the first to try something like that."
Sohee refuses to look at my face anymore. Maybe she doesn't want me to see it, but I did. She's afraid of what she doesn't know.
I grab her hand, just like before when she's conflicted, "But I can't do it if you don't help me, Sohee."
"Sunbae, I don't think I could do anything much to help."
She could. Sohee is in charge of the girls, right? Then she knows a lot more about the girls than just the rumors. She knows this, of course. In fact, she might know that I'm asking her for that.
Then this is not the right time to ask her for the girl's private information. I can't make it so obvious that I only need her help for this reason. No, I have to let her know I need her in every way.
She has to feel responsible for my success with the girls.
Then, when the time comes, she won't hesitate to help.
"Sohee, I need you just like this."
The pinks make contact with me once again.
I continue, "Just stay at my side."
Her face washes with relief. A smile breaks out on her face.
"Sunbae… I…" her eyes tear up, her fingers hold mine back, "I will."
"Let's help them together, okay?"
"Mhn!" She nods, happily.
Not knowing what she got herself into.