Zayne stood in front of the mirror, already dressed in his three-piece suit minus one critical component: the necktie.
Behind him, his wife was CLIMBING ONTO THE BED with the determination of a mountain climber attempting Everest.
"Hamster, you don't have to—"
"I WANT TO!" Nana huffed, finally standing on the mattress. Even with the bed's height advantage, she barely reached his shoulders. "I'm your WIFE! Wives tie their husband's ties! I saw it in a K-DRAMA!"
*She saw it in a K-drama. Everything she knows about marriage comes from K-dramas and Mina's terrible advice. I'm married to a walking romantic comedy with homicidal tendencies toward neckwear.*
"You strangled me last time."
"That was PRACTICE!" She grabbed the tie from his hand. "This time will be DIFFERENT!"
It was not different.
She wrapped the tie around his neck with intense focus, tongue poking out the corner of her mouth. He stayed perfectly still, like prey trying not to startle a predator.
*Current status: Standing like a tree. Waiting for attempted murder via silk accessory. Marriage is beautiful.*
"Okay, so this part goes OVER... no wait, UNDER... or was it—"
The tie TIGHTENED.
His airway CLOSED.
*ABORT. MAYDAY. OXYGEN DEPRIVATION DETECTED.*
"NANA—" he CHOKED.
"WAIT I CAN FIX—" She pulled HARDER somehow, and now he was genuinely being STRANGLED by his own necktie.
Her arms started FLAILING like a hawk attempting combat. "NO NO NO! WHY IS IT TIGHTER?! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LOOSER!"
*Physics question: How can someone 153cm tall generate enough force to strangle a 186cm cardiac surgeon? Answer: Chaos defies physics.*
He was making choking sounds now, face probably turning colors.
"I'M SORRY!" she WAILED, still pulling somehow. "I'M SO SORRY!"
He managed to grab her hands, stopping the accidental murder attempt, and loosened the tie himself while gasping for air.
The SECOND he could breathe again, Nana LAUNCHED herself at him, wrapping around him like a koala, SOBBING.
"I ALMOST KILLED YOU!" she cried into his chest. "I ALMOST BECAME A WIDOW! CAN WIDOWS GO TO JAIL?! WILL I BE A WIDOW IN JAIL?! IS THAT POSSIBLE?!"
*She's asking logistical questions about simultaneous widowhood and incarceration while actively crying on me. My wife's brain is a fascinating place.*
He didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
He chose laugh.
A genuine HUFF of amusement escaped as he held her trembling form. She looked up at him, tears streaming, looking absolutely devastated.
*She looks like a wet hamster. MY wet hamster. Attempting murder via necktie. I love her so much it's medically concerning.*
He pecked her lips gently, then wiped her tears with his thumbs.
"You're not going to jail, hamster."
"But I almost KILLED YOU—"
"Attempted manslaughter requires intent. This was negligent chaos at worst." He kissed her forehead. "Now let me tie this before I'm late."
She CLUNG to him, still koala-style, as he expertly tied his own necktie with her attached to his front like a tiny sobbing backpack.
*Tying a tie while supporting a 153cm crying wife. This should be an Olympic sport. I'd win gold.*
When he finished, perfectly knotted, she finally pulled back to look at him.
"You're SO good at it," she sniffled.
"I've been tying ties since I was fourteen."
"Teach me!"
"Absolutely not. You're banned from neckties."
"BANNED?!"
"Medically necessary ban. For my health." He set her down on the floor. "I need my trachea intact to perform surgeries."
She pouted but nodded. "Okay... but can I at least wave goodbye?"
*She's asking permission to wave. After attempted murder. The audacity is almost admirable.*
"You can wave."
She BEAMED, following him to the door. "Pick me up at Mina and Jisu's house later! We're painting together!"
* Mina and Jisu. The terrible influence duo. Last time she spent time with them, she came home with IDEAS about positions that required me to research if my spine could bend that way. Spoiler: It could not.*
"What time?"
"Um... six? Maybe seven? We're watching K-dramas first!"
K-dramas. More romance tropes. More ideas. I'm going to need a chiropractor.*
He kissed her goodbye—properly this time, soft and lingering—and headed out.
Behind him, she WAVED ENTHUSIASTICALLY with both hands.
"BYE HUSBAND! I LOVE YOU! DON'T DIE AT WORK!"
*Internal Zayne: Sigh #856. But smiling. (#23.)*
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Nana sat cross-legged on the floor between her two best friends, eyes GLUED to the TV.
The K-drama actor was crying beautifully in the rain, confessing his love.
Mina: "He's SO handsome!"
Jisu: "Those CHEEKBONES!"
Nana: *Thinking about Zayne's hazel green eyes. His sharp jawline. His black hair that she liked to mess up. Those lips that kissed her breathless. Those hands that—*
She started ROLLING.
Roll roll roll across the floor like a sushi roll.
"NANA WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Mina laughed.
"Thinking about my HUSBAND!" came the muffled reply from Sushi Roll Nana.
Jisu was CACKLING. "You look like KIMBAP!"
Roll roll roll. Back across the floor.
"He's SO HANDSOME!" Nana's voice echoed. "More handsome than K-drama actor! He has PRETTY EYES! And HANDS! Big hands! Good hands! Medical hands!"
"SHE'S BROKEN!" Mina wiped tears. "MARRIAGE BROKE HER!"
Roll roll roll.
*Husband. Husband. Pretty husband. Sunflower husband. Miss husband. Want husband.*
Finally she stopped rolling, dizzy and grinning at the ceiling.
"Okay," Mina announced, "NEW PLAN. We're playing TRUTH OR DARE!"
Jisu produced a bottle of wine from somewhere. "With WINE!"
Nana sat up, wobbling. "I don't drink wine..."
"It's BARELY wine! Like... juice wine! Baby wine!"
It was not baby wine. It was 14% alcohol.*
Round 1 - Innocent.
Jisu: "Nana, truth or dare?"
Nana: "Truth!"
Jisu: "What do you like MOST about your husband?"
Nana: *thinking very seriously* "His eyes. They're like... like beautiful forest color! Hazel green! And his HANDS! So big and pretty with scars and he can do surgery and also other things—"
Mina: "OTHER THINGS?" eyebrow wiggle
Nana: blushing "MOVING ON!"
Round 2 - Still Innocent.
Mina: "What does Zayne do when you're angry?"
Nana: "He apologizes! And hugs me! And sometimes he does the flamingo punishment on himself!"
Jisu: "FLAMINGO WHAT?!"
Nana: "He stands on one leg! Self-punishment! For making me sad!"
Mina & Jisu: *DYING LAUGHING*
Round 3 - Wine Kicking In
Nana had consumed 2.5 glasses. She was TIPSY.
Jisu: "Okay, SPICY question—"
Nana: giggling "I like SPICY!"
Mina: "How often do you and Zayne... you know..." wink wink
Nana: very serious drunk face
"We have SCHEDULE now!"
Both friends: "SCHEDULE?!"
Nana: nodding enthusiastically
"Three to four times! Daily! For HEALTH! And because sunflower needs—"
Jisu: "SUNFLOWER?!"
*Oh. Oh no. Said sunflower. Not supposed to say sunflower outside. But sunflower is IMPORTANT.*
Nana: "Yes! Pretty sunflower! Big pink sunflower!"
Mina: *confused* "Sunflowers are... yellow?"
Nana: very drunk, very serious
"NOT THIS SUNFLOWER! This one is PINK! And big! And grows when I—"
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
The door SLAMMED open.
There stood Zayne, three hours early, looking like a man who had SENSED CHAOS through the space-time continuum.
*I was in the middle of surgery consultation when I got a TEXT from Jisu saying "your wife is drunk and talking about pink plants." Pink plants. I KNOW what she's talking about. I DROVE 90 IN A 60 ZONE.*
"Hello, Dr. Li!" Mina waved nervously.
Zayne's eyes found his wife, who was SPRAWLED on the floor, cheeks flushed, grinning at him like he'd hung the moon.
"HUSBAND!" she shrieked. "YOU'RE EARLY!"
* She's drunk. My lightweight wife who gets tipsy from LIQUEUR CHOCOLATE is DRUNK. This is a medical emergency.*
"How much did she drink?" His voice was COLD.
Jisu: "Um... three glasses?"
*Three glasses. Approximately 300ml of wine. For someone her size with zero alcohol tolerance, that's... catastrophic.*
He turned to Mina and Jisu with his CLINICAL DEATH GLARE.
"You gave alcohol to someone who weighs 45 kilograms and has the alcohol metabolism of a small bird?"
Mina: "We didn't think—"
"Clearly." He moved toward Nana. "What did she say?"
"Something about... pink sunflowers?" Jisu offered weakly.
* PINK SUNFLOWERS. SHE TOLD THEM ABOUT THE PINK SUNFLOWER. I'M GOING TO DIE. I'M GOING TO ACTUALLY DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT IN MINA'S LIVING ROOM.*
Nana chose that moment to WRAP around him like a koala, giggling.
"Husband! You're here! I was just telling them about your big pink sunfl—"
He FLICKED her forehead.
"OW!"
"No more talking," he said firmly.
"But the sunflower—"
FLICK.
"OW! STOP FLICKING ME!"
"Stop talking about—" he glanced at Mina and Jisu "—botanical specimens."
*Botanical specimens. I'm calling my penis a botanical specimen in front of my wife's friends. My dignity is buried six feet under.*
"But it's IMPORTANT!" Nana insisted, still clinging. "They need to know about the pretty pink—"
He SCOOPED her up, one arm under her knees, one behind her back, and turned to leave.
"We're going home. Now."
"But we were playing TRUTH OR DARE—"
"The game is over."
*The game is over before she explains what the "sunflower" does. Before she describes it in DETAIL. Before my entire social life collapses.*
He paused at the door, looking back at Mina and Jisu with his most intimidating doctor face.
"No more alcohol. Ever. She has the tolerance of a TODDLER."
Mina: "Sorry, Dr. Li—"
"And if I hear ANY rumors about... pink flora... I'll know who started them."
Both friends nodded frantically.
Zayne carried his drunk wife out the door.
Behind them, after a moment of silence:
Jisu: "...What's a pink sunflower?"
Mina: "I think... I think it might be code for—"
Both: SIMULTANEOUS REALIZATION
Both: "OH MY GOD."
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Nana was buckled in the passenger seat, still giggling.
"You came to RESCUE me!" she announced. "Like a PRINCE!"
* I came to prevent my sex life from becoming public knowledge. That's not princely. That's self-preservation.*
He started driving, hands gripping the steering wheel with excessive force.
"Hamster."
"Yes, husband?"
"We need to discuss your definition of 'appropriate conversation topics.'"
She blinked at him, owlish. "But I was just talking about how pretty it is! The sunflower! It's PINK and—"
"NOT. A. FLOWER."
"—and it grows really big when—"
"NANA."
"—and sometimes it produces this warm sticky—"
He SWERVED slightly.
She's describing my ejaculate. In my car. While drunk. This is my LIFE.*
"If you finish that sentence, I'm turning the car around and you can WALK home."
She pouted. "You're being MEAN about sunflower."
"I'm being RATIONAL about maintaining our PRIVACY."
"But Mina and Jisu are my FRIENDS—"
"Friends don't need to know about my—" he couldn't even say it. "—anatomy."
"Why not? It's EDUCATIONAL!"
*She thinks my penis is educational. This is somehow both flattering and horrifying.*
"Nana, listen to me very carefully." He glanced at her. "Some things are just for us. Private. Between husband and wife."
She tilted her head, processing through the wine fog. "Like... secrets?"
"Yes. Like secrets."
"Sexy secrets?"
*SEXY SECRETS. She's categorizing our sex life as SEXY SECRETS. The wine has destroyed her filter. What filter she HAD.*
"Yes. Sexy secrets."
She BEAMED. "I like sexy secrets with husband!"
* Okay. Okay that's. That's actually very cute. Dammit.*
"Good. Then no more talking about... botanical specimens... to anyone. Ever."
"Even squirrels?"
"ESPECIALLY squirrels. Mr. Fluffytail doesn't need to know."
She giggled, then went quiet for a moment.
"Zayne?"
"Mm?"
"I love you."
...
*She's drunk and just tried to expose our sex life to her friends and I'm simultaneously furious and completely in love with her. This is marriage.*
"I love you too, hamster."
"Even though I talked about sunflower?"
"Even though you talked about sunflower."
"You're the BEST husband!"
*I'm the most PATIENT husband. There's a difference.*
She started humming, then SINGING:
*"Sunflower, sunflower, big and pretty pink~"*
"Please stop."
*"Grows so tall when I touch the—"*
"NANA."
She dissolved into giggles.
*Sigh #857. My wife is drunk-singing about my genitals. In my car. At 5:37 PM on a Tuesday. This is my legacy.*
He carried her inside (she couldn't walk straight), set her on the couch, and went to get water and aspirin.
When he returned, she was SPRAWLED dramatically.
"Husband, I feel DIZZY."
"That's called intoxication. Drink this." He handed her water.
She drank obediently, then looked up at him with BIG EYES.
"Am I in trouble?"
*Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know. My anger is fighting with my amusement and my arousal because drunk Nana is DANGEROUS to my self-control.*
"That depends. What do you think you did wrong?"
"Um..." She counted on her fingers. "Drank wine. Got drunk. Talked about sunflower. Made you leave work early. Almost told Mina and Jisu about the warm sticky—"
"OKAY. Yes. You're in trouble."
Her eyes WELLED UP. "Are you going to do flamingo punishment on me?!"
* Flamingo punishment. One-legged standing. That I apparently do to MYSELF when I upset her according to her earlier testimony.*
"No."
"Then what?"
He sat beside her, pulling her into his lap. She came willingly, straddling him, arms around his neck.
"I think," he said slowly, "you need to learn about consequences."
"Consequences?" She blinked.
"For every time you said 'sunflower' today, you get a punishment."
Her breath hitched. "What kind of punishment?"
* I'm turning my wife's botanical obsession into a sex game. I've officially lost all moral high ground. I'm fine with this.*
His hand slid up her thigh, under her skirt. "The kind that makes you forget words entirely."
"Oh." Her voice went SMALL. "That kind."
"How many times did you say it at Mina's house?"
"Um... I don't remember..."
"I'll estimate conservatively. Ten times." His fingers traced over her underwear. "That's ten... corrections."
She WHIMPERED. "Ten?!"
"You talked about my anatomy to your friends, hamster. This is merciful."
* Merciful. I'm calling sexual punishment merciful. My medical ethics professor would revoke my license.*
She was already squirming in his lap, her body responding even through the wine haze.
"Are you going to be gentle?" she asked quietly.
His expression softened. Drunk or not, her comfort came first. Always.
"Do you want me to be gentle?"
She considered, then shook her head. "I want you to make me forget I said sunflower in public."
Challenge. Accepted.
He stood, lifting her with him, and headed to the bedroom.
Time to teach his adorable chaos hamster about privacy.
And also make sure she NEVER said that word in public again.
She was sobbing—the good kind—face pressed into the pillow as he took her from behind for the SEVENTH time.
"Count," he commanded, voice rough.
"S-seven," she gasped.
"And what have we learned?"
"Don't... don't talk about... about private things..."
"Good girl." His hand slid around to her clit, circling. "Three more to go."
"I CAN'T—"
"You can." He thrust deeper, hitting that spot that made her see stars. "You WILL. Because this is what happens when you—"
"When I talk about sunf— OH GOD—"
He increased his pace, fingers working her clit mercilessly. She came AGAIN, the seventh orgasm of the night, clenching around him.
*She's come seven times. I've come four. Her alcohol has metabolized approximately 60%. Hydration status: concerning. Will force fluids after punishment completion. Also: I'm a terrible person. A terrible person who's very good at sex education.*
He pulled out carefully, flipping her over. She looked WRECKED—hair everywhere, lips swollen, eyes glazed.
"Water break," he announced.
"No! Finish punishment!" She reached for him weakly.
* She wants to continue. My wife wants to continue. I've created a monster. A beautiful, exhausted, very well-pleasured monster.*
He made her drink an entire glass of water first, then kissed her forehead.
"Three more," he confirmed.
She nodded, determined.
* The dedication. The commitment. This is why I married her.*
All ten "corrections" completed, they lay tangled together in bed.
She was BONELESS, draped across his chest like a very satisfied cat.
"Zayne?"
"Mm?"
"I learned my lesson."
"Good."
"...But what if I accidentally say it again?"
*She's already planning her next offense. I'm married to a MENACE.*
"Then we repeat this lesson."
She PERKED UP. "Really?"
"...You WANT to repeat this?"
"Maybe." She grinned up at him. "The punishment was very EDUCATIONAL."
* I've created a Pavlovian response. She now associates the word with pleasure. This is the OPPOSITE of what I wanted. I'm a TERRIBLE educator.*
He sighed (#858), pulling her closer.
"You're impossible."
"But you love me!"
"Unfortunately, yes."
She giggled, pressing kisses to his chest. "Best husband. Best punishment. Best sunflow—"
He flipped her onto her back.
"KIDDING! KIDDING! I WAS KIDDING!"
But she was LAUGHING, and he was laughing too (#24), and somehow everything was perfect despite the chaos.
*This is my life. Married to a woman who talks about my penis to her friends while drunk. Who I then sexually punish while she ENJOYS it. Who makes me laugh when I'm trying to be stern.*
*I wouldn't change a single thing.*
*Except maybe hiding all the wine. Forever.*
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Meanwhile - Mina and Jisu's Apartment
Mina: "So we're agreed never to mention the pink sunflower thing?"
Jisu: "AGREED. Dr. Li's death glare could kill."
Mina: "Although..."
Jisu: "Although?"
Mina: "Nana looked VERY happy being carried out."
Jisu: "Think he punished her?"
Both: GIGGLING
Mina: "She's definitely getting 'educated' right now."
Jisu: "Poor Nana."
Mina: "Lucky Nana."
Jisu: "MINA!"
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To be continued.