2:47 PM - Café Lumière
Zayne sat in the corner booth of an upscale café, wondering how his life had led to this moment.
*I'm a cardiac surgeon. I've performed groundbreaking research. I've saved countless lives. And yet here I am, being dragged to a café by my wife to meet her chaos agents—I mean, friends.*
Nana sat beside him, happily munching on a strawberry tart. Across from them sat Mina and Jisu, who were eyeing him with the intensity of predators sizing up prey.
* They're plotting something. I can sense it. Years of reading patient charts have given me excellent threat assessment skills.*
"So, Dr. Li!" Mina leaned forward, grinning. "We have a question."
*Here it comes.*
"Do you have any single cousins?"
He blinked.
...
*They want. They want my cousins. They're asking if the Li family gene pool has additional specimens for their romantic pursuits. This is. Actually this is brilliant.*
Jisu nodded enthusiastically. "Because Nana looks SO happy being married to you! And you're so handsome and we thought maybe—"
"—there are more Li family members who are equally attractive and available?" Mina finished.
* They want to date my relatives. They want to date my relatives so they can also be happy like Nana. This is weirdly wholesome and also my opportunity to NEGOTIATE.*
Nana, oblivious to the scheming, fed him a piece of her tart. He accepted it automatically, chewing while his brain worked overtime.
"Most of my cousins are married."
Both women DEFLATED.
"But—" he continued slowly, "—there are two who remain single."
They PERKED UP like meerkats.
*I have their attention. Time to establish terms.*
"However," he said carefully, wiping a crumb from Nana's mouth (she giggled), "I would need certain... assurances before facilitating introductions."
Mina's eyes narrowed. "What kind of assurances?"
"That you would cease providing my wife with—" he paused, choosing words carefully, "—overly adventurous suggestions regarding marital activities."
*I'm bribing them with attractive relatives to stop corrupting my wife. This is either genius or I've completely lost my moral compass. Probably both.*
Jisu gasped. "You want us to stop giving Nana advice?!"
"Bold advice," he corrected. "Specifically regarding—" he glanced at Nana, who was now eating a macaron, "—anatomical terminology and activities that require flexibility I don't possess."
*The butterfly position from Grandma's book still haunts me. My spine is not designed for such angles.*
Mina and Jisu exchanged glances, having a silent conversation.
Finally, Mina nodded. "Deal. Show us the cousins."
*Victory. I've successfully weaponized my family's genetics.*
He pulled out his phone, scrolling through his photos until he found the family reunion picture from six months ago.
"This is Guan Lin," he said, showing them a photo.
The café went SILENT.
Then: "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
Every patron turned to stare. The café owner looked PAINED. A elderly woman dropped her teacup.
*They're screaming. In public. Over a photograph of my cousin. This is. This is actually expected behavior from them.*
"MULLET HAIR!" Mina SHRIEKED, grabbing his phone. "GOLDEN EYES! ARE THOSE DIMPLES?!"
Jisu was HYPERVENTILATING. "How is this POSSIBLE?! How are ALL of you so attractive?!"
* Genetics. Selective breeding over generations. Also probably good skincare routines. The Li family takes dermatological health very seriously.*
"Does your family only produce HANDSOME MEN?!" Mina demanded. "Is this some kind of genetic CONSPIRACY?!"
The café owner approached their table, looking stern. "I'm going to have to ask you to—" He spotted Zayne. "Oh. Dr. Li. Didn't realize you were here. Carry on."
* My reputation as chief cardiac surgeon occasionally has unexpected benefits. Like preventing my wife's friends from being ejected from establishments for excessive volume.*
The café owner retreated. Mina was still clutching his phone like a sacred artifact.
"I CHOOSE HIM," she announced. "Guan Lin. The mullet. It's MINE."
*She's claiming my cousin like territory. This is concerning. Also: problem solved. One chaos agent neutralized.*
"And the other single cousin?" Jisu asked desperately.
He swiped to another photo. "Mark. He's half-British, half-Chinese. Hence the—"
"BLONDE HAIR!" Jisu SHRIEKED. "BLUE EYES! He looks like WINTER SKY! Is he REAL?! Or is he PHOTOSHOPPED?!"
* Winter sky. She's poeticizing my cousin's eye color. These women are more dramatic than K-drama protagonists.*
"He's real. Twenty-eight years old. Orthopedic surgeon."
"ALSO A DOCTOR?!" Both women were practically VIBRATING.
*The Li family medical dynasty strikes again. We're all doctors. It's practically a requirement at family reunions. Uncle Chen tried to bring his accountant son once. We've never seen him since.*
Nana, who had been quietly eating through this entire exchange, finally spoke up: "Both cousins are nice! Mark gave me candy at the reunion! And Guan Lin taught me how to skip stones!"
* My wife has positive associations with both cousins. This is good. This means they're not complete disasters. Probably.*
"When can we meet them?" Mina demanded.
"I'll arrange something," he said carefully. "But remember our agreement."
Both women nodded frantically. "No more bold advice for Nana! We promise!"
* They're lying. I can tell. But by the time they break this promise, they'll be emotionally invested in relationships with my cousins, who will also be invested in keeping Nana's innocence intact. It's a long-game strategy.*
Jisu was still staring at Mark's photo. "His eyes are like... like frozen lakes... like crystalline pools of—"
"They're blue," Zayne interrupted flatly. "Just blue."
*She's composing poetry about my cousin's ocular pigmentation. I regret everything.*
Mina turned to Nana. "You're SO lucky! How did you find such a perfect husband?!"
Nana beamed. "Our families arranged it! But I would've chosen him anyway because he's SO handsome and smart and has pretty hazel eyes and big hands and sunfl—"
Zayne SHOVED a macaron in her mouth.
*ABORT. SUNFLOWER MENTION DETECTED. EMERGENCY PROTOCOLS ACTIVATED.*
"—mmmphhh!" She chewed, giggling.
*Crisis averted. Barely.*
He wiped her mouth again, sighing (#863).
Mina and Jisu were watching this exchange with SPARKLY EYES.
"You're so SWEET with her!" Jisu cooed.
"He wipes her mouth like she's a BABY!" Mina added.
* She eats like a baby. Gets food everywhere. Zero spatial awareness. But she's MY baby. Wait. That came out wrong. Internally wrong. Not saying that out loud.*
"She's messy," he said simply, but his hand lingered on Nana's cheek.
She leaned into his touch, grinning. "Husband takes care of me!"
*She's so happy. So purely, simply happy. And I would burn down the world before I let anything hurt her. Including her own friends' terrible advice. Hence: cousin bribery.*
"So," Mina said, suddenly serious, "when EXACTLY can we meet Guan Lin and Mark?"
*They're persistent. Like particularly attractive mosquitoes. Buzzing around my family tree.*
"I'll text them tonight. Perhaps we can arrange dinner this weekend."
"DINNER?!" Both screamed again.
The café owner SIGHED, loudly, from across the room.
*My hearing may never recover. But my marriage's chaos levels might finally decrease. Fair trade.*
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🌻🌻🌻
Zayne sat on the couch, phone in hand, staring at his family group chat.
* I'm about to unleash Mina and Jisu on my cousins. This is either brilliant strategic thinking or I'm condemning two innocent men to chaos. Probably both.*
He typed carefully:
Zayne:Guan Lin, Mark. Need to discuss something. Separately.
Guan Lin: ominous. did someone die?
Mark: Is this about the vase I broke at grandma's house in 2019?
Zayne:No one died. Vase is irrelevant. I have... a proposition.
Sylus: 👀 SPICY
Xavier:Zayne making propositions? Character development.
Caleb:Is this about Nana? Did she break something expensive?
Rafayel:DID SHE FINALLY DESTROY THE KITCHEN?
* Why is the entire family in this chat. Why do I never remember to create private conversations. Why is my life like this.*
Zayne:Nana is fine. Kitchen survived. This is regarding potential romantic interests.
The chat EXPLODED.
Sylus:ZAYNE IS MATCHMAKING?!
Xavier:The cold doctor has FEELINGS about other people's love lives?
Caleb:Character growth! We're so proud!
Rafayel:Who's the victim? I mean, lucky person?
* I hate my family. I love my family. I hate that I love my family.*
Zayne:Two women. Friends of Nana. Mina and Jisu. Interested in meeting Guan Lin and Mark respectively.
Guan Lin:ARE THEY CUTE?
Mark: More importantly, are they sane?
Zayne: Cute: yes. Sane: debatable. They are, however, the source of most of Nana's... educational suggestions regarding marital activities.
Sylus:OHHHHH. He's bribing them with you two to stop corrupting his wife! STRATEGIC!
Xavier: Genius level manipulation.
Caleb:Using family members as bargaining chips. Classic Zayne.
Rafayel:I'm impressed and disturbed.
*They understand immediately. This is what happens when you're raised in a family of strategists and doctors. Everyone thinks three moves ahead.*
Guan Lin:Will they try to murder me?
Zayne:Unclear. Possibly.
Mark:That's not reassuring.
Zayne:They screamed for approximately 45 seconds each when seeing your photos. The café owner nearly evicted us.
Guan Lin:THEY SCREAMED?! OVER ME?!
Mark: My photo made someone scream? I'm flattered and concerned.
Sylus: This is hilarious. I'm coming to this dinner.
Zayne:You're married.
Sylus:For ENTERTAINMENT purposes.
Xavier: I also want to watch.
Caleb: Same.
Rafayel: Family outing! Let's all go!
*NO. NO. This is not happening. I'm not letting my ENTIRE family witness—*
Zayne:Absolutely not.
Sylus: Too late. Already cleared my schedule.
Xavier: Same.
Caleb: I'll bring popcorn.
Rafayel: I'll live-tweet it.
*My family is a collection of chaos agents in designer suits. Every single one of them.*
Guan Lin:You know what? I'm in. If she screamed over my mullet, she has excellent taste.
Mark: I suppose I could meet this Jisu. If only to understand why my eye color inspired poetic metaphors.
Zayne:..Thank you.
Sylus: He said thank you! Mark this date! Historic!
Zayne: I regret this family.
Everyone:WE LOVE YOU TOO, ZAYNE! ❤️
He looked up to find Nana standing in the doorway, wearing his shirt (again), holding Mr. Fluffytail (???).
"Why is there a squirrel in our house."
"He wanted to visit! And I gave him NUTS!"
*We have a squirrel guest. This is fine. This is normal. My wife invites rodents over for social calls.*
"Hamster, you can't just—"
Mr. Fluffytail chittered, sounding judgmental.
*The squirrel is judging me. I'm being judged by a SQUIRREL in my own home.*
Nana bounded over, squirrel still in her arms, and plopped into his lap. "Did you text your cousins?"
"Yes. Dinner is arranged for this weekend."
"YAY! Mina and Jisu will be SO happy!" She kissed his cheek. "You're the BEST husband!"
* I'm bribing people with relatives to reduce my wife's chaos exposure. This is not 'best husband' behavior. This is survival tactics.*
Mr. Fluffytail chittered again.
"He says you're very smart!" Nana translated.
* I'm receiving compliments from a squirrel via my wife's translation services. My medical school professors would be so disappointed. Or impressed. Unclear.*
"Tell him thank you."
She chittered back at the squirrel. It chittered back. They had a whole CONVERSATION.
* My wife speaks squirrel. This is. I'm fine with this.*
Finally, she released Mr. Fluffytail out the window. He scampered off into the night.
"He's going to tell Mrs. Fluffytail about dinner plans!" Nana explained. "They're invested in our social life!"
* The squirrels are monitoring our social calendar. We have rodent surveillance. This is my reality.*
She snuggled into his chest, content. "I love you."
*She says it so easily. So purely. Like it's the simplest truth in the world. And maybe it is.*
"I love you too, hamster."
"Even when I bring squirrels inside?"
"Even then."
"And when I almost say sunflower in public?"
"Especially then. Because it means I get to—" he paused, smirking slightly, "—educate you later."
She BLUSHED. "The punishment lessons!"
*She's learned to call them punishment lessons. I've successfully branded our sex life. This is concerning and arousing.*
"Exactly."
She giggled, playing with his hair. "Will your cousins be good to Mina and Jisu?"
*Will they? Guan Lin is chaotic but loyal. Mark is serious but kind. They're both disasters in their own ways but. They're Li family. We take care of what's ours. And by extension, what's Nana's.*
"They'll be good to them," he assured her. "Li family men are many things, but we protect what matters."
"Like you protect me!"
"Like I protect you."
She kissed him, soft and sweet. "Best family. Best husband. Best sunfl—"
He kissed her HARDER, cutting off the word.
* Preventive measures. Always effective.*
When he pulled back, she was grinning.
"That was smile number TWENTY-SEVEN!"
*She's still counting. Always counting. My smiles, my sighs, my everything. She pays attention to all of it. To all of me.*
*I am so completely gone for this woman.*
"Sigh #865."
But he was smiling.
Meanwhile - Mr. Fluffytail's Tree
Mr. Fluffytail returned to his branch, where Mrs. Fluffytail waited.
"So? What happened?"
"The humans are setting up their friends with the husband's cousins."
"Strategic. The humans are learning."
"Also, she CARRIED ME INSIDE. I was INSIDE THE HUMAN HOUSE."
"...How was it?"
"Warm. Smelled like macarons. Would visit again."
"You're becoming domesticated."
"I ACCEPT MY FATE."
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🌻🌻🌻
To be continued.