Zayne wanted to go home.
Desperately.
*I could be reading medical journals. Performing surgery. Literally anything else. But no. I'm here. At a triple date. Because my wife PROMISED her friends.*
He stood holding a bag of macarons (Nana's bribe to keep her from wandering), watching his wife CHITTER at a squirrel on a park bench.
*She's having a full conversation. With a rodent. In public. While our friends witness this.*
Twenty feet away, Guan Lin was trying to SET MINA DOWN so he could order bubble tea.
"Mina, I need my legs to walk—"
"NO!" She clung tighter, koala-style. "Every girl here is LOOKING at you! They want to STEAL you! I have to PROTECT!"
"I'm literally trying to buy you TEA—"
"THEY MIGHT ATTACK WHILE YOU'RE ORDERING!"
*I thought Zayne was exaggerating about the screaming. He was not exaggerating.*
Guan Lin looked at Zayne desperately. "Help me."
Zayne shook his head. "You made your choice. Live with it."
* I warned him. Via text. Multiple times. He said 'she can't be THAT bad.' Famous last words.*
Meanwhile, Mark stood awkwardly as Jisu tugged on his sleeve.
"Mark! MARK!"
"Yes?"
"Carry me like Zayne carries Nana! Like a PRINCESS!"
Mark looked PANICKED. "I... we're in public..."
"ZAYNE DOES IT IN PUBLIC!"
"Zayne has accepted his fate. I'm still in denial."
*Accurate self-assessment from Mark. He'll break in approximately two weeks.*
Jisu POUTED. "You don't love me like Zayne loves Nana!"
"We've been dating for ONE WEEK—"
"ZAYNE WOULD CARRY HER!"
* Why am I the standard? Why is MY relationship the benchmark for chaos management?*
Nana finished her squirrel conversation and bounded back to Zayne, grinning.
"Mr. Fluffytail says the weather is nice today!"
"You talked to Mr. Fluffytail about weather."
"He's very informed! He reads the sky!"
*The squirrel reads the sky. My wife believes this. This is my life.*
He handed her a macaron from the bag. She ate it happily, crisis averted.
* Food-based behavior modification. Highly effective. Questionable ethics. Don't care.*
They sat around a large table, hotpot bubbling in the center.
Current Status:
- Zayne: Feeding Nana because she'll burn herself otherwise
- Jisu: Loading Mark's plate with EXCESSIVE amounts of food
- Mina: SCREAMING
"Look at his HANDS!" Mina shrieked, pointing at Guan Lin stirring meat in the hotpot. "SO MANLY! SO STRONG! THE MEAT IS HONORED TO BE STIRRED!"
*The meat is honored. She's personifying food now.*
The restaurant owner appeared, looking STERN.
*We're getting kicked out. Definitely getting kicked out.*
The owner opened his mouth—then saw Zayne.
"Oh! Dr. Li! Didn't realize you were here!" His expression changed immediately. "Please, enjoy your meal!"
* My reputation as chief cardiac surgeon: The only reason we're not banned from public spaces. This is concerning.*
He walked away. Mina continued screaming.
"HIS DIMPLES! THEY'RE SHOWING! THE LIGHT IS CATCHING THEM PERFECTLY!"
Guan Lin was eating, completely resigned. "This is my life now."
"YOU'RE SO BRAVE ACCEPTING IT!" Mina grabbed his face. "SO MATURE!"
*He's not brave. He's defeated. There's a difference.*
Meanwhile, Jisu had created a MOUNTAIN of food on Mark's plate.
"Eat!" she commanded. "You need energy! Strength! NUTRITION!"
Mark stared at the pile. "This is... a lot of food..."
"YOU'RE TOO THIN!"
"I'm a healthy weight—"
"EAT!" She shoved a piece of meat at his mouth.
* She's force-feeding him. This is courtship apparently. Modern dating is fascinating.*
Zayne, meanwhile, was carefully feeding Nana pieces of properly cooked meat.
"Open," he said, holding chopsticks to her lips.
She opened obediently, chewing happily. "Tasty!"
* She's 21 but eats like a baby bird. Zero self-preservation instincts. Will eat raw meat if unsupervised.*
"Zayne!" Mina pointed. "You're SO GOOD to Nana! Like a PRINCE!"
*I'm preventing food poisoning. This isn't romance. This is public health intervention.*
"Guan Lin, feed ME!" Mina demanded.
"You're literally holding chopsticks—"
"BUT I WANT YOU TO FEED ME LIKE ZAYNE!"
Guan Lin sighed, picked up a piece of tofu, held it to her mouth.
She ate it, then SCREAMED.
"IT TASTES BETTER WHEN YOU FEED IT! THE TOFU IS BLESSED!"
Sigh.
" The tofu is blessed. Nothing makes sense anymore."
"Even the FOOD knows it's being fed by PERFECT HANDS!" Mina continued.
Zayne pinched the bridge of his nose, glasses sliding down.
*Headache forming. Migraine imminent. Why did I agree to this?*
Mark leaned over. "Does she always scream?"
"Yes," Zayne confirmed flatly. "Every date. Forever. This is your future."
"That's not reassuring."
"It wasn't meant to be."
* Honesty is important. He needs to know what he's signed up for.*
Nana tugged Zayne's sleeve. "More please!"
He fed her another piece, wiping sauce from her chin automatically.
*She's messy. Always. But she's MY mess.*
Jisu was taking PICTURES of Mark eating. "For memories!"
"You've taken forty-seven pictures—"
"NOT ENOUGH! I need DOCUMENTATION of our love!"
*Documentation. Like medical records but for relationships. Interesting approach.*
Mina screamed AGAIN because Guan Lin picked up his water glass.
"EVEN THE WAY HE DRINKS! SO ELEGANT! THE WATER IS LUCKY!"
The table next to them got up and LEFT.
*We're clearing the restaurant. One scream at a time.*
After somehow surviving hotpot, they entered a flower shop.
Nana's eyes LIT UP. "JASMINE! We need jasmine for the garden!"
* She wants real jasmine to match the ice jasmine. This is. Actually sweet. Concerning but sweet.*
"We can plant jasmine," he agreed.
She BOUNCED to the jasmine section, examining plants carefully.
Then she spotted the SUNFLOWERS.
Oh no.
"ZAYNE! LOOK! SUNFLOWERS! We need sunflowers too! For the garden! And they're so big and pretty and—"
*She's about to say it. She's about to say 'like your sunflower' in PUBLIC in a FLOWER SHOP—*
He FLICKED her forehead.
"OW!"
"No sunflowers."
"But WHY—"
Another flick.
"OKAY OKAY! Just jasmine!"
*Crisis averted. Barely.*
Meanwhile, on the other side of the shop:
Mina was watching Guan Lin smell a lavender plant.
She SCREAMED.
"AAAHHH! EVEN THE LAVENDER IS HONORED TO BE SMELLED! HIS NOSE! HIS PERFECT NOSE! TOUCHING THE LAVENDER!"
The shop owner appeared, looking annoyed. "Excuse me, WHO is screaming—"
Then she saw the group, noticed Zayne's hospital badge still clipped to his belt.
"Oh! Dr. Li!" Attitude changed instantly. "Please, take your time! The screaming is... fine... I guess..."
*My professional reputation is the only thing standing between us and a lifetime of public bans.*
Guan Lin looked DEAD INSIDE. "She screamed because I smelled a plant."
"I'm aware."
"How do you LIVE like this?"
"Practice. Acceptance. Mild dissociation."
*Honest medical advice.*
Guan Lin picked up roses—red, classic, safe choice.
He turned to Mina. "For you. Will you please be quiet for... five minutes?"
She SCREAMED.
"AAAHHH! ROSES! HE'S GIVING ME ROSES! HE WANTS TO MARRY ME! THIS IS A PROPOSAL!"
"It's NOT a proposal—"
"WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! I'M TELLING EVERYONE!"
Guan Lin looked at Zayne. "Help."
"No."
"Please."
"You chose this."
"I regret everything."
"Too late."
*He's learning. Suffering but learning.*
Guan Lin surrendered, letting Mina scream about marriage while he paid for the roses.
Meanwhile, Mark and Jisu were the CALM couple—holding hands, taking pictures with flowers, being NORMAL.
"How are they so calm?" Guan Lin demanded.
"Jisu's chaos is internal," Zayne explained. "She's clingy and overwhelming but QUIET about it. Mina's chaos is external. And LOUD."
"This explains so much."
*Internal Zayne: Chaos categorization. External vs internal. I should publish a paper.*
Nana appeared with:
- Two jasmine plants
- Three bags of macarons (from the shop next door???)
- A stuffed animal squirrel (WHERE DID SHE GET THAT)
- Potting soil
- And somehow SUNFLOWERS anyway
* She defied the sunflower ban. Of course she did.*
"Hamster."
She looked GUILTY. "They were on sale..."
"We discussed this."
"But they're PRETTY—"
He sighed (#876), pulling out his wallet. "Fine. But no sunflower commentary at home."
"DEAL!" She bounced happily.
*I've lost. Completely. Utterly. She deployed cute face and won.*
At checkout, the total was ALARMING.
"Why is it so expensive?" Zayne asked.
"Um..." Nana looked sheepish. "I may have bought... things..."
"What things."
She pulled out: more macarons (hidden in her purse), seeds, gardening tools, flower pots, and what appeared to be a BIRD FEEDER.
*She went shopping. While I was distracted. This woman. This WOMAN.*
"We don't have birds—"
"Mr. Fluffytail has bird FRIENDS! They need FOOD!"
*The squirrel's social network requires feeding. This is now my financial responsibility.*
He paid. Everything. Because he was weak.
Outside the shop, Nana POUTED, clutching her bags.
"You're mad," she said quietly.
*She's doing the pout. The POUT. Tactical emotional warfare.*
"I'm not mad—"
"You SIGHED! And you have that face! The 'my wife is chaos' face!"
"That's just my regular face—"
"Do you even LOVE me anymore?!"
* The nuclear option. 'Do you love me' deployed in public. She's LEARNING.*
He stopped walking, turned to face her, and pulled her close despite the shopping bags.
"Of course I love you," he said, low enough only she could hear. "You're impossible and chaotic and you just spent three months' flower budget in one trip—"
"I'm SORRY—"
"But yes. I love you." He leaned closer, whispering in her ear. "Do you want me to prove it again? Like this morning? All night long?"
Her face went BRIGHT RED.
"I— you— that's—" she stammered.
* Distraction successful. Embarrassment achieved. Crisis averted.*
"Well?" he pressed, smirking slightly.
She nodded frantically, giggling. "Yes. Yes prove it. All night. Please."
* Bribery via sexual promises. Highly effective. Questionable morality. Excellent results.*
"Then behave until we get home."
"I'LL BE SO GOOD!" She grabbed his hand, suddenly the model of innocence.
*Transformed. Instantly. From chaos gremlin to obedient wife. The power of sexual motivation is medically fascinating.*
Behind them, Guan Lin watched this exchange.
"Did he just... bribe her with sex?"
Mark nodded. "Seems like it."
"That's GENIUS."
"Or concerning."
"Both. Definitely both."
*They're learning from me. I'm influencing the next generation of chaos management. This is my legacy.*
They said goodbye at their cars.
Mina was STILL clinging to Guan Lin. "I don't want to let GO—"
"Mina, I need to DRIVE—"
"Drive with me ATTACHED!"
"That's illegal—"
"LOVE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN TRAFFIC LAWS!"
Love vs traffic laws. Philosophy for the modern age.
Jisu and Mark were exchanging sweet goodbyes—normal, calm, functioning couple behavior.
"Text me when you get home!" Jisu said.
"I will," Mark promised.
"With pictures!"
"...Of what?"
"Your face! So I know you're safe!"
* Photographic proof of survival. Slightly excessive but compared to Mina, remarkably reasonable.*
Nana was already in their car, clutching her jasmine plants and sunflowers like precious treasures.
Zayne loaded the EXCESSIVE shopping bags into the trunk.
*My trunk is full of: plants, macarons, a bird feeder, and what appears to be a garden gnome she snuck in when I wasn't looking. This is fine. Everything is fine.*
He got in the driver's seat. Nana was grinning at him.
"Good date?" he asked.
"BEST date! Mina was so funny! And Guan Lin looked so DONE! And Mark is so patient with Jisu! And I got flowers! And macarons! And—"
"And you almost said sunflower in public."
She GIGGLED. "But I didn't! You stopped me!"
"With violence."
"With LOVE violence!"
*Love violence. Flicking as affection. This is our relationship.*
He started driving. Her hand found his on the gear shift.
"Zayne?"
"Mm?"
"Are you really going to prove it all night?"
* She's asking. Confirming. Planning. This woman.*
"Yes."
"Like... ALL night? Or just... some of the night?"
"All night, hamster. You wanted proof. I'll provide comprehensive proof."
She SQUEAKED, face red again. "Comprehensive?!"
"With demonstrations. And repeated trials. For accuracy."
*Scientific method applied to marriage. This is romance.*
"That's very THOROUGH—"
"I'm a doctor. Thoroughness is my specialty."
She was GRINNING now, wiggling in her seat. "Can we go home FAST?"
"I'm not getting a speeding ticket because my wife wants—"
"EDUCATIONAL ACTIVITIES!" she interrupted quickly.
*Educational activities. Our code for sex. This is what we've become.*
"Sigh #877."
But he was smiling (#34).
And maybe driving slightly above the speed limit.
Just slightly.
For educational purposes.
Meanwhile - Guan Lin's Car
Mina finally released her koala grip.
"I love you," she announced.
Guan Lin blinked. "We've been dating two weeks—"
"I LOVE YOU! And I'm going to scream about it!"
"Please don't—"
"I LOVE GUAN LIN! HIS MULLET! HIS DIMPLES! HIS—"
He kissed her to shut her up.
When he pulled back, she was DAZED.
"Did... did that work?" he asked.
"...I forgot what I was going to scream."
"SUCCESS."
*I've learned from Zayne. Distraction via affection. This is how we survive.*
Meanwhile - Mark's Car
Jisu was texting.
Mark glanced over. "Who are you texting?"
"Nana! Telling her about our date!"
"We're still ON the date—"
"I'm documenting IN REAL TIME!"
*I'm dating a live blogger. This is fine. This is normal. This is... actually kind of cute.*
He smiled despite himself.
Maybe chaos wasn't so bad.
In small doses.
With a mute button.
.
.
.
.
.
🌻🌻🌻
To be continued.