Several weeks have passed since Ayae started studying here.
And it still surprises me how quickly she managed to make friends.
It took me months to stop feeling like a stranger when I first entered high school. Gaining people's trust wasn't easy. I was always more observant than participative.
But Ayae is different.
She has that light kind of energy… as if rejection simply doesn't exist in her world. She talks to anyone without fear, without overthinking her words, without worrying about what might go wrong.
I guess that's why she was the one who spoke to me first that day.
I remember it clearly.
I was walking home after playing video games with Kunze.
Just the usual routine.
I got thirsty and stopped by the neighborhood store.
That's when I saw her.
At first glance she looked like a kid. Small. Thin. But when she lifted her gaze… her eyes were so clear, so alive, that I completely forgot what I had come there to buy.
"Hi. I've seen you near my house," she said with a smile that didn't look forced. "We're neighbors. I moved in today with my parents."
"Oh, really? I hadn't noticed…" I replied a little awkwardly. "I hope you can make good friends here. It must be stressful starting over."
"Yeah… it's sad leaving friends behind," she admitted. "But it's also exciting to meet different people. By the way… you still haven't told me your name."
I laughed.
"Itsuki. Nice to meet you."
"Ayae. And I hope we become very good friends."
She smiled.
And that smile stayed with me.
I returned to reality when the science teacher began explaining the final assignment of the term.
A scientific inquiry report.
In pairs.
I was about to ask Ayae if she wanted to do it with me… but she was already sitting with another girl.
I was glad to see her handling things on her own.
Although… I don't know why, but I feel like that girl doesn't look at me very kindly.
I tried asking Kunze.
"I thought you were already doing it with Ayae," he said.
"At this moment, I wish that were the case," I replied with a faint smile. "But I'm glad she's socializing so quickly."
Kunze couldn't do it either.
Then I thought about Monika.
We almost never work on assignments together. She avoids misunderstandings, especially since she has a boyfriend.
Even so… she accepted.
Too easily.
Saturday.
Monika was standing in front of my house.
No one else was home.
And when I became aware of that… I felt something strange. A mix of nerves and hope that I tried to ignore.
She came in.
She looked beautiful. Her brown hair fell softly over her shoulders. Her brown eyes carried that calm expression that always disarms me.
We sat on the couch. I had my laptop. She was searching for information.
I tried to focus.
I tried not to think about the fact that I had been in love for five years with the person sitting less than a meter away from me.
After a while she moved closer to show me something on the screen.
She could have just sent it to me.
But she didn't.
She leaned over me to point at a line in the document, and suddenly her shoulder was almost touching mine.
She was too close.
My breathing became uneven.
I tried to focus on the words she was explaining, but my mind was somewhere else.
On the fact that I had been in love for five years with the person who was now breathing just a few centimeters away from me.
She finished explaining.
But she didn't move.
An odd silence filled the room.
Then, slowly, she rested her head on my shoulder.
My body went completely still.
I didn't know if I should move away.
I didn't know if I should say something.
I didn't know if I should simply enjoy that moment.
Time seemed to stop.
"I'm sorry…" she whispered.
Her voice was so weak that for a moment I thought I had imagined it.
I felt something wet soaking through the fabric of my shirt.
She was crying.
"I'm sorry for making you wait so long…" she murmured. "I'm sorry for not thinking about how you felt when I rejected you… for acting as if nothing had happened."
My heart started beating harder.
"I like you, Itsuki…" she continued, her voice breaking. "I've liked you for a long time."
My hands trembled.
Five years.
Five years waiting to hear those words.
"I've always liked you…" she said. "But I was afraid."
"Afraid…?"
"Yes…" she took a deep breath. "Afraid that if we started something… everything would change. Afraid of losing the way you treat me now. Afraid that if things didn't work out, you would disappear from my life."
Her fingers tightened around my shirt.
"But the more time passed… the more I realized I was hurting you."
A tear slid down her cheek.
"I would see you smiling like nothing was wrong… like it didn't hurt. And that only made me feel worse."
Every word was something I had dreamed of hearing.
Every word was something my heart had waited years for.
And even so…
I didn't feel happy.
I felt something heavier.
Something closer to frustration.
I closed my eyes for a moment.
"Monika…" I murmured.
She slightly lifted her head to look at me.
"I've always loved you," I said.
It wasn't a new confession.
It was a truth that had never stopped existing.
"Then…" she whispered.
I interrupted her.
"But I also know you're happy with him."
Her lips trembled.
"That doesn't mean I don't love you…"
Those words pierced through me.
Because in that moment I realized something.
Loving two people doesn't mean loving more.
It means someone will end up getting hurt.
I took a deep breath.
"I don't want to be selfish."
She looked at me, confused.
"For five years I dreamed about this moment," I continued. "I imagined many times what I would say if someday you told me you loved me."
I smiled sadly.
"But I never imagined you would still have someone else by your side."
The silence between us grew heavy.
"If I said yes right now…" I continued, "what would happen to him?"
Monika didn't answer.
"Three years with you…" I murmured. "Three years building something I wasn't there to see."
My hands slowly clenched.
"I don't want to be the person who destroys that."
She hugged me again.
This time tighter.
"But I love you…" she said.
"Loving someone also means letting them go," I replied softly. "If he makes you happy… then I'd rather see you keep smiling by his side."
My voice sounded calmer than I felt inside.
"Because if I truly love you… your happiness has to come before what I want."
We stayed like that for a while.
Holding each other in silence.
It wasn't a romantic embrace.
It was the kind of embrace that feels like a goodbye neither person wants to accept.
When she left, she hugged me and kissed my cheek—something she had never dared to do before.
And somehow, that hurt more than any rejection.
Later, I was lying on my bed…
I remembered the first time I confessed to Monika.
She told me she didn't want a relationship because she needed to focus on herself and her studies.
A few days later, she started dating someone.
She told me how happy she was.
I listened with a smile, even though inside I felt like trash. Like someone insignificant… someone not good enough.
In the end, that someone became her current boyfriend.
And now…
I don't know if her words back then were sincere.
I don't know if I'm her "right person at the wrong time."
I don't know if I'm simply the emotional backup.
That night, I dreamed.
I dreamed about my mother.
About my good grades and my bad ones.
About the constant fear of not being enough.
People tell me I'm intelligent.
People tell me I'm kind.
People tell me I'm the ideal guy.
But I don't feel good.
I'm not alone… but I feel empty.
I'm not ugly… but I don't like myself.
I'm not useless… but it never feels like it's enough.
I want to be loved.
But when someone does…
I don't believe it.
Monday arrived.
The lab class had ended a few minutes earlier.
Most of the students had already left for the next classroom.
I stayed a little longer.
I packed my things slowly, trying to organize my thoughts.
But it was useless.
My mind kept returning to the same place.
To Saturday.
To Monika's tears.
To her confession.
To that hug that I still didn't know whether it meant a beginning… or a farewell.
I sighed.
At that moment I heard footsteps behind me.
The lab door closed.
I turned slightly.
It was Natsuki.
She was standing near the door, staring at me.
Her expression was different from usual.
No smile.
Just a cold look.
"Itsuki… I need to talk to you."
Her tone was serious.
Too serious.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
She walked slowly toward one of the lab tables.
"You worked on the report with Monika at your house on Saturday, right?"
She didn't say it like a question.
She said it as if she already knew the answer.
"Yes," I replied. "We just did the assignment."
Natsuki placed both hands on the table in front of me.
"You're aware that I'm her boyfriend's cousin."
I felt the tension in the air tighten.
"How can you guarantee that nothing else happened?"
"What kind of question is that?"
"Answer me."
Her voice was firm.
"We didn't do anything," I replied, irritated. "Monika is my friend."
Natsuki let out a small laugh.
But it wasn't an amused laugh.
"Maybe you don't look at her with lust…"
Her eyes locked onto mine.
"But you look at her with love."
Something struck my chest.
"And that's worse."
I didn't answer.
The silence in the laboratory made every word feel heavier.
"My cousin has been with her for three years," she continued. "Three years."
Her fingers tapped lightly against the table.
"So tell me something, Itsuki…"
She leaned slightly closer.
"What do you think happens when someone tries to get between them?"
"I'm not trying anything."
"Maybe not consciously," she said coldly.
I took a deep breath.
"I'm not going to do anything."
Natsuki watched me for a few seconds.
As if trying to decide whether to believe me or not.
Then she stepped closer.
"Listen carefully to what I'm about to say."
Her voice lowered.
"If you keep getting close to Monika…"
She paused briefly.
"I'll make sure the whole school finds out that you're trying to steal someone else's boyfriend."
My heart started beating faster.
"And believe me… my cousin isn't the kind of person who stays calm if he thinks someone is after his girlfriend."
The atmosphere felt heavier.
"Do you know what would be the worst part?"
Her gaze hardened.
"That Monika would probably end up hating you."
Those words pierced through me.
"Because you would have ruined a three-year relationship."
She crossed her arms.
"You're not the protagonist of some romantic story, Itsuki."
Her eyes examined me coldly.
"You're just an obstacle."
I said nothing.
Because the worst part… was that I had already decided not to interfere.
"You've been warned," she said finally.
She turned to leave.
But before opening the door, she stopped.
"Oh… and one more thing."
She glanced slightly over her shoulder.
"If you're really as good of a guy as everyone thinks…"
"Then you'll know how to stay in your place."
She opened the door.
And left.
The laboratory fell silent again.
I remained there, my things half packed.
For the first time…
I felt real fear.
Not for myself.
But for the possibility that everything I've built could collapse because of something I never even tried to do.
I gathered my things and went to the classroom.
The art teacher hadn't arrived yet, so most of the students weren't inside.
Then I saw Kunze walking toward me, as if he wanted to say something.
He hesitated for a moment before speaking.
"Well… I was wondering if you could help me win Asia over," he said, visibly embarrassed. "I've never told you this before, but I've liked her for a long time. I haven't been able to get close to her to try anything. I noticed you already have some trust with her… so I wanted to ask for your help."
I looked at him silently for a few seconds.
"Sure. I'll help you. After all, we're friends."
"Thanks, Itsuki."
"But to do that, you'll have to ask her out."
Kunze lowered his gaze.
"That's not going to happen."
"And why not?"
"I'm sure she'd reject me."
I sighed.
"Then… what if I invite her to a gathering on my behalf?" I suggested. "We could invite Jeremy and his girlfriend too, so it makes more sense."
Kunze lifted his head, hopeful.
"Then we just have to make sure Asia accepts."
"Leave that to me."
I walked over to where Asia was sitting.
"Hi, Asia."
"Hi, Itsuki… you finally decided to talk to me."
"Sorry about that. Hey, I wanted to ask if you'd like to go to a small gathering. Kunze will be there, Jeremy and his girlfriend… and me."
Her eyes lit up slightly.
"Yes… I'd like to go."
"Perfect. Can you make it at nine?"
"Of course. I'll be there."
Classes ended.
As I walked home with Ayae, a memory returned to my mind.
It was last year.
During recess.
I was sitting alone at my desk when I saw Asia approaching.
She walked slowly, as if every step cost her effort.
"Hi, Itsuki…" she said quietly.
"Hi. Do you need something?"
Her hands trembled slightly.
"Yes… I need to tell you something."
She took a breath.
"I like you, Itsuki."
Time seemed to stop.
"I like you a lot," she continued. "For a long time now. I like the way you speak, the way you help others… the way you always try to smile even when you're not okay."
Her eyes began to fill with tears.
"But I know you'll never be able to stop loving Monika."
Those words didn't sound like a complaint.
They sounded like surrender.
"That… that breaks my heart," her voice trembled. "Because no matter how hard I try, I can't compete with someone who lives in your mind all the time."
A tear slid down her cheek.
"I wish you would look at me the way you look at her. I wish I were the one who could make you happy… the one who could hold you when you feel empty… the one who could make you feel truly loved."
She wiped her face clumsily.
"I'm not asking you to choose me now… I just…" she took a deep breath. "I just want to confess again the day you stop loving her. When your heart is free… if it ever is."
She turned around before I could respond.
And I stayed there.
Not knowing what to say.
Not knowing what to feel.
I returned to the present and asked myself something I had never stopped to analyze calmly before.
How did Asia start feeling something for me in the first place?
Maybe it all began the day she asked me for help with her homework.
I remember I was reviewing some math exercises when she approached my desk with her notebook in her hands.
"Itsuki… could you explain this to me? I don't understand it."
It wasn't the first time someone had asked me for help, but there was something different in her voice.
She didn't sound proud or annoyed.
She sounded… insecure.
From that day on, she began sitting next to me after class.
At first it was simple doubts. Operations, formulas, small mistakes we corrected in a few minutes.
But little by little the study sessions became longer.
I explained.
She listened carefully.
Too carefully.
Sometimes, when I looked up from the notebook, I realized she wasn't looking at the numbers.
She was looking at me.
Over time she started improving. She no longer hesitated so much in math, she understood chemistry better, and she even began raising her hand in class to answer questions.
Every time she did, she would discreetly glance toward me, as if searching for approval.
And I would just nod.
One day, while we were studying like usual, she moved closer than normal.
I felt her shoulder brush against mine.
I didn't move away.
Then she gently rested her head on my shoulder.
My mind went blank.
"I feel more comfortable when I'm close to you…" she whispered.
I didn't know what to say.
From that moment on, I understood that what we had was no longer just a "study partnership."
And even so…
I never did anything to stop it.
Maybe because, deep down, I also liked not feeling alone.
At that moment Ayae noticed my silence.
"Itsuki… you're thinking a lot."
"I'm fine, don't worry. I'm just a little tired."
She moved a little closer.
She held my arm.
"If you're not… I'll make sure you are."
She smiled.
And for the first time all day…
I felt something different.
It wasn't love.
It wasn't guilt.
It was warmth.
And that scared me more than Natsuki's threat.