A few weeks had passed and I found myself free of my binds.
Though Lilith still kept an eye on me.
Though I really had no intention of escaping. Not because I suddenly loved Lilith, but because there was nowhere for me to go.
I didn't even have the dragon to help me navigate anymore.
I was truly alone.
"My Lord."
Mostly alone.
Jinnah entered my room with a small bowl of herbal paste. I looked up, my expression drained.
"Hm?"
She showed me the bowl with a smile. "I brought back some of this, it's like a tea you can eat."
I patted the side of my bed. Jinnah sat down and passed me the bowl. I set the bowl on my lap and dipped a finger inside.
The substance was warm and a bit gooey.
I brought my fingers up and sucked them. The paste was strongly bitter and earthy. With an airy aftertaste.
It felt like I could breathe through my pores.
My gag reflex kicked in as I hurriedly passed the bowl back to her. "Gah, kahhhh, did you make this?" I wheezed.
Jinnah took the bowl from me and covered a hand over her mouth. "Not quite, Lady Lilith made it."
I tried to frown but I coughed instead. "Why would you bring me that? I don't want anything made by her."
Jinnah lowered her hand as she tilted her head curiously. "I see, may I ask why?"
I blinked as I wiped my mouth. "Isn't it obvious? She's an evil, boundary-pushing witch and the world would be better without her."
"I believe that's a little too far, she's certainly eccentric but I wouldn't call her evil."
I stared at Jinnah with genuine disbelief.
"A-are you serious? She murdered your co-workers. She choked out Meridian. She left me on the demon continent. How in the hell do you genuinely believe she's good?"
Jinnah raised a finger. "I never said she was good." She lowered her finger, "May I explain something to you?"
"Go ahead."
She took a deep breath. "Okay, so from my perspective Lilith didn't really murder the staff. Because she wasn't really aiming for them, she was aiming for you. It was you who ran in their path."
"What?!"
Jinnah raised her hands in a placating gesture. "Please, calm yourself my lord. I'm only attempting to explain that there's nuance to the situation."
"What nuance? There is no nuance!" I was about five seconds from strangling some sense into her.
Jinnah remained calm. "Perhaps a change in perspective can help you understand my point."
"I doubt it but sure."
Jinnah lowered her hands and folded them into her lap.
"If you will, imagine you were a servant of a Lady. Recently you learn your Lady's son is returning and preparations must be made."
She took a deep breath.
"In the midst of those preparations, the son returns home. And instead of greeting his mother, he fights her. It's sudden and within seconds the landscape has been transformed into a battlefield."
She glanced out the window as she continued.
"You try to run, but the son has been thrown in your path. And for a split second, you hesitate. You watch as the son gets up and continues the fight, running past you as you're sliced in half."
She met my gaze once more. "He doesn't stop to save you. He doesn't try to relocate the fight, it's like he didn't even consider you. Do you think he's the good guy in this situation?"
I open my mouth to defend myself, only to close it when I realize just how detailed her account was.
And since she wasn't here to witness it, that could only mean…
My shoulders slumped as I looked down. "You talked with the survivors, didn't you?"
Jinnah nodded.
I sighed deeply.
"They hate me, don't they?"
She again nodded.
"Some of them think you're no better than Lady Lilith. A spoiled child who only cares about what he wants. Even if it costs others their jobs, homes, and lives."
Jinnah opened her hands.
"In fact, some of them say you're worse than Lady Lilith."
I stayed silent.
Part of me wanted to explain myself. I was the victim and I was only getting my deserved justice.
But I can't explain that to the dead.
And I can't justify it to the traumatized.
"All this time I thought I was the only one that mattered. That my pain mattered above everyone else's because it was me who was experiencing it. I knew I was becoming like Lilith, but I never… I never…"
Jinnah began to rub my back. "It's alright, my Lord. We all make mistakes."
I closed my eyes as her hand went in circles on my back. "That wasn't a mistake, Jinnah. It was a decision. One you should hate me for."
Jinnah shook her head. "I don't hate either of you. Only the situation. Both of you are deeply scarred. It's only natural that you hurt others. The key is to understand how you're hurting others, and how to stop it."
There was a long beat of silence after that.
Eventually, I looked up and spoke. "Is anything being done for the victims?"
Jinnah nodded with a smile. "Lady Lilith has paid out the families."
My eyes went wide. "Lilith actually paid them out? Was she forced to legally?"
Jinnah shook her head. "Lady Lilith took full responsibility on her own behalf. Though it's important to mention that she only did it because you're alive. Had you died, I have no doubt Lady Lilith would've killed us all."
I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about this. Had I achieved my goal everyone would have died because of me.
But because I failed, the victims get some sort of respite.
I shook my head as a deep sigh escaped me.
"Jinnah?"
"Yes my Lord?" She removed her hand from my back.
"Can I have a minute alone? I need to think."
Jinnah nodded as she rose to her feet. "Of course, my Lord." She stepped up to the door and grabbed the knob.
"Jinnah?"
She looked over her shoulder with a smile. "Yes?"
"I love you."
The corner of her eyes creased as she smiled.
"I love you, too."
With that, she exited the room and I was left to my thoughts. I lay back in my bed. My hands rested on top of my chest as I stared into the ceiling.
At that moment all I could think about was my purpose in this life. Who am I? Who am I supposed to be? Will I ever find out?
The questions spun endlessly.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
What do I want?
I mean, what do I as a person truly want?
I thought about Meridian but it's harder to remember her face now. I know she's still alive, but the Lafayette she loved is dead.
Even if I do consider her my friend I'm not ready to see her again. That engagement, I'll let it stay dead.
But there is someone else, Jashen. She likes the Lafayette I am now. And honestly, I kinda miss her. But how will I get her back without angering Lilith?
I need to become stronger. That's it, I need strength. Not to be like Lilith, but to protect what I want.
That's my purpose.
To be strong enough to protect what I care about.
So that I'm never stranded by someone else's hand.
I placed my hands over my face.
Though I have my goal in mind it still feels daunting without the dragon. His presence was always reassuring. Even when I wanted to punch him.
To think he lost against Lilith and didn't so much as even complain. That wasn't the dragon I knew.
Whatever happened to him in that fight against Lilith, it must've been significant.
I opened my eyes to see that the sun had begun to set.
A soft sigh escaped me.
My head feels so damn empty now. If only I had Jashen. I really regret abandoning her in Kotal. And really the only thing that stopped me from going back now, was that she said 'See you later'.
Like she knew I'd come back.
Zenith too. Did she know I would survive? Or was it hope?
I shook my head and rolled in my blanket.
Whatever the case, I'm going back to get her. Even if I have to sneak her into the academy.
I smiled softly to myself.
I couldn't wait to see that orange tail again.