The Diary of His Pain (Jay's POV)
I got home after the café, but the air felt heavier than ever. Every step I took felt like I was sinking.
Then it fell out of my bag—a small, worn notebook.
Keifer.
I froze. His handwriting… it was everywhere, chaotic, messy, like it had been written in fits of pain.
I shouldn't read it. I knew that. But my hands… my hands wouldn't stop shaking. I opened it.
The first words made my chest seize:
" Why did I do that to her ? Why did I say those words to her?."
My hands shook so badly I almost dropped it. I pressed it to my chest, trying to make sense of the raw, trembling words.
"I watched her suffer. I let revenge blind me. I let her feel pain I should have shielded her from. And I… I didn't stop it. I didn't fight for her. I didn't fight for us.
I'm weak… useless… I should disappear."
My chest felt like it was splitting open. I couldn't breathe properly.
"I can't even look at myself. I see her smile, and it kills me that she can smile while I… I hurt her. I'm a coward. A fool. I deserve nothing but loneliness… nothing but her hatred."
I couldn't stop the sobs. The diary slipped from my hands, but I caught it anyway, holding it to me like it could somehow hold him together.
"She thinks I don't love her anymore. But loving her is the only thing I've ever been sure of… and I destroyed it. I destroyed us. She'll never forgive me. She can never forgive me… and maybe I don't deserve it."
Tears streamed down my face, soaking the pages. My hands trembled, gripping the diary like I could absorb his pain into myself.
"I shouldn't live. I shouldn't even be here. I don't deserve to breathe. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve… anything. I'm a coward who couldn't protect the one person who meant everything."
I pressed my forehead against the notebook, sobs choking me. I could feel his fear, his guilt, his desperation—like he was whispering to me through every word.
I want to fix it… I want to tell her I love her… but I don't know if I have the courage. I don't know if I can. I don't deserve her love. I don't deserve her forgiveness. I'm… I'm terrified she'll leave me forever."
I whispered through my tears, trembling: "Keifer… I forgive you… I love you…"
But even as I said it, I knew he wouldn't hear me. He hadn't read my words yet. He didn't know that I still cared, that I still loved him despite everything.
I held the diary to my chest, rocking back and forth. My heart ached so badly, so completely, I thought it might shatter.
"I'm nothing without her. I'm a coward. I'm lost. I hate myself… I don't deserve her…"
And I cried harder, because I could feel it all—every ounce of his pain, every lonely night, every self-loathing thought. And I realized… I loved him so much it hurt more than any of the pain in that diary.
Later , I found him in the quiet of his apartment. The lights were dim, the room still. And then I saw it—his shoulders trembling, his head bowed, and tears sliding down his face.
"Keifer…" My voice shook as I stepped closer. "Why… why are you crying?"
He didn't answer at first.
His body shook violently, and then, suddenly, he sank to his knees in front of me. My chest tightened at the sight—so raw, so human, so vulnerable.
" keifer."
"I… I can't… I can't hold it anymore, Jay," he choked out, his hands gripping mine like he was afraid I'd vanish. "Everything I felt… everything I've done… it's been eating me alive. I thought I could handle it, but I… I was wrong. I was so wrong."
Tears fell freely from his eyes, soaking my hands. I wrapped my arms around him, my own tears falling.
"Keifer… shh… it's okay. You don't have to be strong right now. Tell me… tell me everything."
His voice broke as he poured himself out:
" jay , I swear I never meant it like that . I just wanted to take revenge- after everything our family went through . We thought it was your family . So we blindly blamed you but between that hatred I fell in love with you,"
His voice broke as he poured himself out:
I let revenge, pride… fear… control me. I pushed you away, I lied, I made you suffer, and I thought I was protecting you—but all I did was hurt you more.
" I'm so fucking sorry jay 😭💔" he chocked out.
He buried his face in my chest, crying openly now, shaking with the force of everything he had carried inside.
My arms tightened around him. "Keifer… I forgive you… I love you… I've always loved you. You're not a coward. You're human, and you're mine."
"I was so scared… so terrified you'd leave me… that you'd hate me forever… that I didn't deserve you… that I would lose you…" he sobbed. "And I… I thought I could never tell you… I thought I would have to carry this alone forever."
I cupped his face, wiping the tears away, holding him gently but firmly.
"Keifer… look at me. You don't have to carry this alone. I'm here. I forgive you. I love you. You've never stopped being enough, not for me, not ever."
"I forgive you… I love you… I'm here… I'm not leaving… never… not now, not ever," I murmured, rocking him gently
He stayed kneeling in front of me, broken and raw, letting himself be seen, letting himself be held, and for the first time, I felt him truly letting go.
His forehead rested against mine for a heartbeat. We both trembled, caught between the release of pain and the pull of love. And then… slowly, impossibly, he leaned closer.
Our lips met. Soft at first, hesitant, as if tasting forgiveness and love for the first time. Then, with a surge of everything we'd held inside—the sorrow, the guilt, the longing—the kiss deepened.
He pressed closer, hands holding me, shaking, letting himself feel every emotion he had tried to bury. And I… I kissed him back, letting him know, without words, that he was forgiven, loved, and never leaving.
We pulled apart slightly, foreheads still touching,
breaths mingling. "I… I'm yours," he whispered, voice trembling but certain.
"And I'm yours," I replied, tears still on my cheeks but a smile breaking through. "Always."
For the first time in so long, the weight of pain lifted, if only slightly. In that moment, all that mattered was us—raw, real, and finally together.
A/N
Hey loves 💌♥️,
So how are you all doing ? I just wanted to thank you guys for your kind wishes 🥹🩷
Those meant the world to me 🌌💜
And I'm feeling better now 🤍
As you guys suggested, jayfer is officially back together 🤭🩷
Jayfer in your area
I'm not hoping to end thing book right now - maybe more chapters but I'm not going to drag this book
I was hoping to start a new jayfer book after this book ends - but I am literally out of ideas 💀☠️
So drop your ideas 💡
And please don't be mad at me if I didn't use your ideas