Jordan has always been good at knowing when a room is watching him. Most people get self-conscious under that kind of attention. He gets still. Like something inside him quiets down and what's left is just the performance. I used to watch him do it in the hallway at school back in middle school and he was already doing it then. Just turning on. Like a switch.
I waited almost an hour.
Thirty-two people left in the tournament and the bracket was moving slow. I sat at my desk with the Discord call pulled up in the background, muted, camera off, watching the other rounds run while I finished tweaking levels on a beat I'd been sitting on for three days. I wasn't nervous. I'd listened to my song twice that morning and couldn't find anything to fix. That feeling doesn't come often. When it does you just trust it.
The host dropped me a ping when it was time.
* * *
They moved us into the stage channel. Six tiles on screen — me, the other competitor, two judges, and the host in the center. I turned my camera on and leaned back in my chair. Kept my face neutral. The other guy was already on, nodding his head a little, trying too hard to look relaxed.
I knew my people were in the stream. Kat had texted me twenty minutes ago: we set up fr fr. I hadn't asked who we was. I figured I'd find out later.
The host ran through the format. Coin toss. Other guy won, took first. I always preferred second anyway let them set the ceiling, then decide what to do with it.
His song was about his dad. Dead, clearly. It had a hook that genuinely hit and some bars that got specific in a way I respected. I watched his face while it played he was feeling it, eyes closed for part of it, jaw tight. The judges were nodding. One of them unmuted briefly to say damn before catching herself and going back on mute.
It was good. I gave it that.
Then the host said, "Alright, Boosted Jay. You're up."
I waited as they pressed play.
* * *
Yeah, pussy my passion, never been a fan of flashin'
Probably 'cause I never could, said if I had it, never would
I watched the tiles. One of the judges tilted her head slightly, recalibrating. The host's expression shifted not a big change, just the eyebrows, just a fraction.
I swear, yo, I'm like Huey mixed with Riley
Thursday, I be tryna save the world
And then on Friday, I hit the club
Hopin' that my dick get rubbed by some fat asses
The other guy's mouth moved. Something like damn. He didn't know his camera was still on.
My mama told me to speak like you got a college degree
You see, I can, but I won't 'cause I'm saying what I want
Plus this slang that I speak don't change that I'm deep
I kept my own face still. I'd practiced that not performing while the song performed for me. Just existing in the frame. Letting it breathe.
Like Hov said it, can I live?
Hey, dear Lord, can I live?
One of the judges unmuted. "Okay." Then muted herself again.
I can't do no nine-to-five, told my mama, "Sorry"
I can't do no suit and tie, no, I want the glory
If you knew me, know my life is like a movie starring me
Pardon me if it seems that I'm following my dreams
I ain't reading off the script that they picked for me
The host was nodding now. Slow, unconscious. The kind of nodding people don't know they're doing.
Will I live or will I die before they get to know me?
If I go, I know the ones that's pourin' liquor for me
But oh no, Lord, you see, I'm smarter than they know
So hold on, Lord, 'cause I ain't quite ready to go
The third verse came in.
Every tile went still.
Somebody told me that it's only one shot
So I'll be goddamned if I'm ever gon' stop
Promised to my mama I'ma make it to the top
So I'ma keep climbing 'til my heartbeat drop
Like the phone when she heard the news
Her sister on the other line talking to her shoes
Your only son, what a thing to lose
One of the judges put her hand over her mouth.
Poor dude, he was young, like twenty-one
Straight up out that city that I'm from
A real smart nigga, but his niggas, they was dumb
He ain't even get a chance to run
'Fore it landed in his lung
God, breathe, nigga
His partner screaming, "Don't you fucking leave, nigga"
Took off his shirt, tryna stop the bleeding, nigga, "Don't you go"
But his life fading slow
I watched the other guy on his tile. His head was down. I couldn't see his face.
Did I tell my mom I love her, do she know?
Did I tell my baby sorry from before?
Won't get to see my son grow
Lord, I ain't ready to go
Can I live?
Can I live?
Dear Lord, can I live?
Can I live?
Yeah
The song ended.
Nobody unmuted.
For a long moment the call just sat there in silence, six faces on screen, nobody moving. The host looked like she was collecting herself. One judge was shaking her head slowly, not in disagreement just that thing people do when something lands somewhere deep and they don't have words fast enough.
The other guy finally looked back up at his camera. He said, "Bro. That's crazy." He meant it. I could tell he meant it.
I nodded once. Didn't say anything.
* * *
I found out later what was happening in the watch-along stream while all of that was going on.
Kat had pulled in Rue, Gia, and apparently Maddy, who was already at Kat's. Kat said the third verse hit and Rue went completely quiet and wouldn't look at the screen. Gia apparently cried, which she would be embarrassed about for weeks afterward. Maddy had leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and just stared like she was trying to figure something out.
I don't know what any of their faces looked like. I was watching six tiles on a Discord call.
But I thought about it later. That they were somewhere listening. That the song had reached them the same way it reached the room. That was the thing about putting real words down you couldn't control where they landed.
They called the vote. I won by a lot.
I turned my camera off, closed the call, and sat at my desk in the quiet.
I had work to do.
* * *
I heard the whole thing live and I didn't say anything after. Not to Kat, not to Gia, not to Maddy. I just sat there while everybody else was reacting and I kept my mouth shut because I didn't have the right words and I didn't want to use the wrong ones.
The third verse. The kid who didn't make it. I know Jordan well enough to know he pulled that from somewhere real. And I know him well enough to know he was also talking about himself the version of himself that was possible. The version he was maybe closer to than any of us knew.
He won. He was always going to win. But I sat in that room after the call ended and I thought about my brother in his room alone pressing play on a song about not being ready to die, and I thought about everything I didn't know about what he was doing out there at night, and I couldn't make those two things sit next to each other comfortably.
I still can't.
Song: Can I Live J cole