There's a version of my brother where none of this happens. Where he just makes music and fixes cars and gets into and out of the small kinds of trouble that don't follow you home. I think about that version sometimes. I think Jordan does too, even if he'd never say it out loud.
An hour before the live, Gia and Rue told me they were going to Kat's to watch with Cassie, Maddy, and Lexi.
I didn't say anything. It felt weird — all of them together, watching me on a screen, and me not being there to see their faces. I filed it away and went to handle something first.
I needed a snack run anyway.
* * *
I pulled up to Fezco's store, grabbed a Gatorade and a honey bun, and was on my way to the register when Fez called me over from behind the counter. He had this look on his face — not quite amused, not quite serious. The one he used when he was about to tell you something he already knew the answer to.
Ashtray was leaning against the wall next to him. Arms crossed. Looking at me like he always looked at everybody, which was like he'd already decided something.
"Wtf?" I said.
I looked at what was on the counter. Then back at him.
Ashtray said, "Yup. We came up on it. It's legal. No body on it. Could be yours for eight thousand."
I looked at it for a second. An APC9 Pro. Integral suppressor. The kind of thing that didn't end up in a corner store by accident.
"That's more than it cost brand new," I said.
Fez shrugged. "How else would you get one?"
He and Ashtray looked at each other. Some conversation passing between them that I wasn't part of.
I thought about it for exactly as long as it took me to think about everything that had happened in the last month. The drive. The girl. The orange flag in my sock drawer. Zen's voice saying things only you'd know.
I smiled. "Fuck it."
"Nice doing business with you," they said at the same time.
I put it in the trunk under the blanket I kept back there, drove home, and hid it in my closet until I could figure out a better solution. Then I washed my hands, sat down at my desk, and pulled up Discord.
I had a tournament round in forty-five minutes.
* * *
I was in the second group.
My opponent was already on when they moved us into the stage channel — cute girl, green hair, black lipstick, camera framed tight. She introduced herself as Lyric, which I thought was either perfect or a stage name, and her energy was good. Warm. The kind of person who was comfortable being watched.
She went first. Her song was about self-love — genuinely well-written, melody was strong, she had a real voice. The judges were nodding. I watched her face while it played and she was living in it, eyes closed for the hook, completely present.
It was good. I respected it.
It was also on a YouTube beat with a mix that fell apart in the second verse. She probably didn't hear it anymore — you stop hearing your own mix after a while. But the judges would hear it. I heard it.
The host said, "Boosted Jay, you're up."
I reached over and pressed play.
* * *
Yeah, she said (she said)
"You ain't no good (no good) but you feel so good" (hey)
Lyric's expression shifted. Just slightly — eyebrows up, head tilting. Recalibrating.
She said (she said) "What if I could, but I gotta leave you alone"
(She said I) gotta leave you alone
I, I, I, I
One judge leaned back in her chair. The other one had her chin in her hand.
She said (she said)
"I know you bad (you bad) but I want you bad" (hey)
She said (she said) "Makes me so sad that I gotta leave you alone"
(She said I) gotta leave you alone, oh
I kept my face still. Watched the tiles. This was the part I'd learned — you let the song be the thing in the room. You don't perform on top of it.
I got my mind on my money (money)
All I need is a bad bitch
That I can run through the city, spend this cash with
That I can ride through this city, spend this cash on
Wake up in the morning, get my smash on
Lyric was nodding now. Slow. Involuntary. She didn't look like she was losing — she looked like she was listening to something she wanted to hear more of, and that was its own kind of compliment.
I don't want much baby, egg whites
Keep your stomach and your thighs and your legs right
While I'm out here focused, getting this bread right
But if the head right, I be there every night
Wake up in the morning and I'm still here
Wake up in the morning and I ain't gone
All I ask, let me just do me
And maybe just me and you can get along
Had them other bitches mad when they seen us
Had to match our Rolexes, baby, team us
Yeah, the earth is our turf, we can share the world
Maybe even go half on a baby girl
The host had his elbows on the desk. Fully locked in.
Let me be your mind reader, let me read your mind (mind)
And when I'm done with the front, hit it from behind
Love and loyalty, never cross the line
Just hit a nigga up when I cross your mind
Show you how to get your own, you won't be watching mine
Put you up on G, show you to shine
And maybe we can kick it when I got the time
Be my backbone, every nigga need a spine
Gotta know you ride with me if I'm right or wrong (right or wrong)
'Case I wake up in the morning, and it's all gone (gone)
Best believe, I'ma get it right back (right back)
It's the hustler in me, I know you like that
You probably think I'm with a different broad every night
When I think about it, shit, man, you're probably right
The more I think about it, shit, you're probably wrong
'Cause what you didn't think about it, that I probably grown
One of the judges unmuted. Just said: "okay." Then went back on mute.
She said she wish she never met me
'Cause she just can't help but let me go ahead
And do whatever the hell I want
She said she hate how much she need me
Turn around and say she don't need me
Always talking about she gonna leave me, but she don't (she never do though)
But maybe this time might be different
'Cause she shed so many tears
She'll remind me all the dumb shit
That I've done over the years
But she don't be tripping in the mornings
I got her legs up by her ears
But as soon as we get done, I swear this is all I hear
The song ran back into the hook and then it was done.
Lyric looked at her camera for a second. Then she looked at mine. She said, "Your mix is clean as hell."
"Thank you."
"Like actually. What do you use?"
I told her. She nodded, wrote something down off-screen. The judges were talking to each other, muted, heads together. The host was grinning.
They called the vote.
I won.
* * *
I found out later what was happening at Kat's during all of that.
Kat said the hook came on and Maddy sat up straight like someone had touched her shoulder. Cassie apparently kept saying "wait, wait" every time a new section started, like she needed everyone to pause so she could catch up. Lexi was quiet the whole time, which Kat said was her version of being completely gone on something. Gia had her phone out recording the screen, which she would absolutely post everywhere
And Rue.
Kat said Rue listened to the whole thing with her arms crossed and her jaw set and when it ended she just said, "He's so stupid," and then didn't explain what she meant by that.
I thought about that on the drive home. The gun in my trunk. The flag in my drawer. The song about a woman who knows she should leave and stays anyway.
I didn't know which part Rue meant.
Maybe all of it.
He's so stupid. I meant all of it.
song: leave you alone Jeezy