Jordan Bennett
I don't know what Maddy said to him that night. I don't know what he said back. I know she was there when he got home and I know she wasn't there in the morning and I know Jordan came down for breakfast looking the same way he always looks. Like nothing happened. Like he'd just slept.
He's very good at that.
I took her up to my room and closed the door.
She stood in the middle of the room and looked at me for a second like she was deciding something. Then she said: why do you like me.
Not flirty. Not fishing. A real question. She had her arms at her sides and she was looking at me straight and waiting.
I said: you're sexy, confident, and you get what you want. You just don't always know what you want. So you end up going after things you think you want instead.
She held that for a second. Then she sat down on the edge of the bed.
I know why Nate likes me, she said. He likes me because he thinks I'm someone he can control.
She said it flat. Not bitter. Just true, the way she says true things when she's decided to actually say them.
She looked up at me. I still love him.
I said: I think everyone can tell.
She laughed. Short and real. Sad, isn't it.
Yeah, I said.
She looked at me for a moment. Then she said: you're honest.
Yup, I said.
She smiled at that. Something small and private. Then she stood up and crossed the room and sat in my lap, facing me, and leaned close to my ear.
Do you think I'm toxic.
I thought about it for half a second. I said: the most beautiful things usually are.
She pulled back and looked at me. You're good, she said.
Then she kissed me.
I kissed her back. She tasted like the night. Her hands moved under my shirt. I pulled her top off and her skirt up. We got on the bed and she stayed on top for a minute, grinding slow against me. Then I turned her over.
I moved down her body and put my mouth on her. She was already wet. I licked her slow, then faster, sliding two fingers inside until her hips came off the bed. Her fingers twisted in my hair. She made these quiet sounds that got louder. When she came her thighs closed tight around my head and her whole body shook.
She pulled me up after. I pushed inside her. She let out a small breath. We moved face to face at first, steady and deep. She looked at me the whole time. Then I flipped her onto her stomach. From behind she pushed back against me, back arched. I held her hips and went harder. She came again, quieter this time, squeezing around me. I felt it building fast. I pulled out at the last second and came across her ass and lower back.
We stayed like that for a minute, breathing hard.
Afterward she was lying on her back looking at the ceiling and I was next to her and neither of us said anything for a while.
Then she turned her head and looked at me and said: you're making this complicated.
I laughed. She laughed too.
I didn't say anything back because there wasn't anything to say that was going to make it less true. She was right. This was complicated now.
I took her home before sunrise, went back home, and dropped in bed.
I lay there after and thought about what she said. I still love him. She'd said it like a fact she was tired of carrying. Like she wanted me to hold it for a second so she could put it down.
I don't know what I am to Maddy. I don't know what tonight was to her. But she came to my house at two in the morning after I'd just done something I couldn't tell anyone about, and she sat on my step and waited, and when I asked her what she wanted to talk about she said why do you like me.
She didn't want to talk. She wanted to be seen.
I get that. I understand that more than I probably should.
I got up, grabbed a pre-rolled cigarette, and lit it.
I sat at my computer, pressed play on a beat, smoked, and started creating. Today was exhausting.