Chapter 4: Loneliness?
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What is loneliness?
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After Liu's breakdown, Pasha had to rest in order to be in shape for her workday the next day. She therefore borrowed Liu's grandparents' bed, with her permission of course.
Meanwhile, Liu, not being tired after her long sleep, simply read one of Chicken Joe's novels in her usual spot.
She had more or less understood that it would take more time to find a solution to all her problems, or rather, she had convinced herself that she needed more time.
She was therefore calmer mentally. Although she was still thinking about what to do, her thoughts were more composed and she had regained her sense of logic.
She still didn't have a solution, but she reassured herself by thinking that she still had a few weeks before having to make a real decision.
She considered that she still had a bit of time before truly becoming an adult.
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Village of Luttren...
02/32/3324
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Pasha woke up a little before the start of the second hour of the second day of the week.
Liu was still there, reading her book on the couch facing the bed.
"Good morning, Liu."
"Good morning... we haven't entered the second hour of the day yet." Liu anticipated.
"Alright, thank you." Pasha replied with a smile.
It was the first time she wasn't alone when she woke up, and this new experience put Pasha in a good mood.
'I did well to stay with Liu. Whether it's for me, or for her.'
Pasha observed the room, absorbing these new sensations.
Just like Liu, her parents had abandoned her when she was young, but unlike Liu, she had no one to take care of her. She had therefore been placed in an orphanage not far from Luttren.
She had wanted to start working around Liu's age, but the orphanage staff had refused. So she had run away several times until she reached Luttren.
And then somehow, she had been accepted into the administration.
"Liu, have you already eaten?" Pasha asked when she noticed the toast and jam on the desk.
"Yes, what's left is for you." Liu nodded.
'Ahh, I feel like crying.'
Pasha stood up and immediately went to hug Liu.
"What are you doing?!" Liu exclaimed.
"Thank you, I love you Liu." she whispered in her ear, making Liu blush in response.
"M..me too." Liu murmured with difficulty.
Pasha looked at her with a smile, then asked, "So, are you going to school today?"
"Yes, there's only a quarter hour left before I have to go." Liu specified.
"Me too then, I only have a quarter hour to eat."
Pasha spoke to herself as she sat at the desk in front of a small pile of toast.
Before she could start eating, Liu asked in a hesitant voice, "Pasha, umm... what is loneliness?"
Pasha turned toward Liu, anticipation almost visible in her eyes.
'Is she trying to open up to me? I need to answer well!'
Pasha thought for a moment before giving her answer.
"I suppose what you're asking isn't the definition of the word, but what I personally understood from it. So I'll try to share my experiences of loneliness."
She paused briefly and continued.
"In my opinion, loneliness depends on the situation. When we feel loneliness, it's because something we want by our side isn't there, cannot be there, or is out of reach... For example, there were several moments in my life where I saw children with their parents, with their family... Seeing that made me want the same thing, but since it wasn't possible, that situation made me feel a strong sense of loneliness."
Pasha paused for a few seconds.
"Of course, this doesn't only apply to the presence of people. It can also apply to understanding. When you want others to understand you or your situation but it's not possible, a feeling of loneliness can appear. But as always, it depends on the situation."
Pasha looked Liu in the eyes.
"Did you understand something?" she asked a bit awkwardly.
Liu nodded.
"You explain much better than Mimie." she said with a small laugh.
Pasha sighed in relief.
"Thank you."
She didn't quite know how to respond to that compliment.
Then she started eating a piece of toast.
Liu began to think about what Pasha had explained.
A complete silence settled in the room, and only the sound of Pasha chewing could be heard.
When Liu heard the chewing sound, her thoughts suddenly stopped.
Her head started spinning and her breathing accelerated. Her thoughts became chaotic and a wave of nausea overtook her.
...
When Pasha heard Liu's breathing, she turned toward her and saw Liu staring at her with eyes filled with terror and deep disgust.
"What's wrong?!" Pasha asked quickly, worried.
Liu was no longer really in control.
She only saw Pasha's mouth moving without hearing the words, which terrified and disgusted her even more.
She suddenly stood up and rushed to the bathroom to vomit everything she had eaten.
Pasha hurried after her, wondering if she had done something wrong.
'What's wrong?! What's wrong??!'
When she reached the bathroom, she saw Liu vomiting. Unable to do anything else, she gently patted her back, waiting for her to finish.
After vomiting, Liu rinsed her mouth and washed her face.
Then she lifted her head toward Pasha.
"Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" Pasha asked.
Liu didn't answer. She hugged Pasha and sighed.
"I'm better."
She thought for a few seconds, then continued,
"I'm going to school, it'll change my mind. I'm sure it'll do me good."
"Are you sure?" Pasha asked, worried.
"Yes... I'll explain tonight, when I've sorted out my thoughts." Liu replied as she headed to her room to get dressed.
Still worried, Pasha followed her without taking her eyes off her.
"Uh..." Liu tried.
Reluctantly, Pasha turned around while Liu changed.
"I'm done."
Liu looked at Pasha's back with a small smile, then hugged her once again.
"I..I love you." she said.
Maybe to reassure herself, or to reassure Pasha, or maybe both.
Without waiting any longer, Liu left her room and calmly went downstairs.
"See you tonight."
"See you tonight." Pasha replied as she watched her leave.
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[Pov of Liu]
The path to school led Liu through the residential district of the village.
She felt strange. The last time she had taken this path was only three days ago, yet everything felt different...
Nothing had changed. The houses were still in the same places, the road still paved with gray bricks... the world hadn't changed.
But for Liu, everything was different. She felt like she was seeing everything differently, as if she had entered a new world... or rather, her own world had changed.
It was the first time she felt this. It wasn't unpleasant, nor frustrating, nor painful, nor disgusting, it was just...
'Refreshing...'
'This is strange, why? Why do I feel good? Like I've been freed from a weight, I feel truly free... What's happening? Why is this happening?'
She got lost in her thoughts while walking toward school.
'This is so pleasant. So different from usual!!'
Suddenly, she remembered something Mimie had once told her.
"Am I seeing the world differently now?"
She raised her eyes toward the sky.
'Am I seeing new things now?'
She observed the white sky and, for the first time, noticed its nuances.
'There's a bit of gray over there, and on that side the white looks slightly bluish, is it because of water energy? That's curious, suddenly the world becomes so interesting!'
'Why is it like this? Is this the happiness I get from the misfortune of losing Mimie and Papi Mo?'
She no longer knew what to think. She felt somewhat lost about what she should feel in a moment like this.
'Is this how the world works?... How life works?'
Tap!
Suddenly, a hand landed on her left shoulder.
Liu jumped and was about to react instinctively when she heard a familiar voice.
"Hey Liu! How are you? I haven't seen you in a while."
"Woah! You scared me Yumi!" Liu exclaimed.
'I almost hit her.'
"Hehe, for once I succeeded. Were you lost in your thoughts or something?" Yumi continued, stepping in front of Liu.
"Hmm, yeah, a bit."
Yumi moved to Liu's right and tried to hook arms with her like usual.
But she felt nothing, except the sleeve of Liu's sweater.
"Mmh! What's going on?"
Then she looked at where Liu's right arm should have been.
"Huh!! Y..your arm?! Where is it??!" she shouted in an extremely loud, high-pitched voice.
Liu quickly covered her mouth with her left hand.
"Not so loud! Some people are still sleeping." she whispered.
"B..but, your arm."
"I completely forgot about that, shit!" Liu thought out loud.
"Huh, forgot?" Yumi looked at her strangely.
"What do you mean? Is that why you were absent yesterday?"
"Erm, uh yeah, that's why I wasn't there. I had an accident coming back from the harvest the day before yesterday." Liu explained.
She wasn't comfortable talking about this with her best friend.
"Uh..." Yumi hesitated, then asked,
"Does it hurt? Are you okay? Are you better? What happened?"
She fired questions without stopping.
Liu remained silent for a moment.
'What should I tell her? Should I even tell her?'
Seeing Liu's silence, Yumi awkwardly puffed her chest and said proudly,
"You don't have to tell me if it's too hard. Even if I'm curious, I can hold back for my best friend."
Liu looked at her strangely.
'What is she doing?'
"But if you need someone to listen, I'm always here! Even if it's about arms!"
Liu sighed.
'Haa, she really needs help. I've never seen someone this curious.'
"Okay, don't worry, I'll definitely explain someday."
"Mhm."
"We should move or we'll be late, we already live the farthest from school... Erm, and take my left arm from now on."
Yumi complied in silence.
Liu's and Yumi's houses were on the opposite side of the school.
They had to cross the entire residential district before reaching it, so they walked alone through the streets for about one tenth of an hour before encountering other students.
That tenth of an hour passed in silence.
Clearly, Yumi was deep in personal thought. Something very rare, which made the situation awkward for Liu.
But without realizing it, Liu's mental state had returned to normal.
The one from before the incident, and all of it solely thanks to the presence of the one and only person she truly considered a friend.
Liu wasn't really thinking about her major problems anymore; the ones she didn't want to make decisions about yet.
For now, she was focusing on finding excuses for her missing right arm, figuring out how to explain her situation...
The two of them remained lost in their thoughts until they arrived in front of the school.
Of course, they had passed other students along the way, but aside from greeting them, they had nothing else to do with them.
Although Liu and Yumi had other classmates they got along with, most of them came from the other residential district and therefore took a different route.
So they made the journey on their own, just the two of them, without joining any other classmates.
When she saw the school building, Liu stopped her train of thought. She took a deep breath to prepare herself for what she imagined would happen during the day.
"Shall we go?"
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