Beep!
Beep!
My alarm went off.
My head was empty yet full at the same time.
I thought about many things but I also only really thought about nothing.
I felt the sensation of my comfy bed, almost as if it was pulling me into it.
That sensation felt so precious, so strong, that I didn't want to let it go.
And for a second, I let my mind wander.
'What if I didn't go to school today?'
It was idiotic thought. One that completely disregarded future consequences.
Yet, it still felt so enticing.
For a few moments, I laid down, not bothering to form another cohesive thought.
I slowly felt my tired body drift into slumber.
'No.'
With all my might, I pushed myself up.
I couldn't afford to miss school. I needed it.
With no one else being there to wake me up, I had to take responsibility.
That's when I remembered something.
I remembered who I was.
Then, a frown appeared across my face.
**
'It's raining?'
On my way to school, I felt droplets of water graze my face.
I instinctively tried to take out my umbrella from my bag, but I remembered it wasn't there.
I had forgotten at home.
'…'
I entered a weird state like I had just woken up.
I had numerous thoughts, every single one filled with annoyance, frustration and rage.
Yet, not a single one of them were truly cohesive.
I understood them, I remembered them, but none of them actually formed a sentence.
In the end, I just sighed and pulled the hood of my jacket over my head.
And I kept walking.
After all, there was nothing I could do.
**
'97/100…'
I half heartedly read the grade I received on my movie theater drawing.
Skipping over the parts of the rubric I did right, I looked for my feedback.
'Student's drawing could've blended the shading of the drawing smoother…'
Turning my eyes away from the grade, I looked at the drawing itself.
It wasn't something I was particularly proud of but I thought it met the criteria.
"What grade did you get, Elliot?" Soriel asked curiously.
I showed her my paper.
"98. You?" I replied.
Soriel showed her paper in response.
"97!" She said with a smile.
I smiled back, although weakly.
"Congrats."
"Thank you!"
I looked outside the window and noticed it was still raining.
'I'm so ungrateful…'
I had already gotten a high grade, there was no reason to be upset.
Yet, I was still unsatisfied.
"Man, I'm weary," I mumbled just loud enough so Soriel could hear.
From the corner of my eye, I saw her tilt her head in confusion.
"What does that mean?" She asked.
I dramatically puffed out my chest and smiled.
"Well you see, it's a very fancy way for saying I'm tired," I said proudly.
"Ah, I see," Soriel responded with a very intrigued tone.
Her reaction was so odd, and it just filled me up with a slight bit of joy.
So I let a genuine smile drip onto my face.
Until I no longer had class with her, leaving me alone with my thoughts again.
**
"Tristan?" Nishimoya asked.
"What?" Tristan replied.
"Why do you never wear shoes with laces?" She asked.
Tristan shrugged.
"I dunno. Too much work," He answered.
'How'd she notice that? I never even thought about it and we've been friends since we were little kids…'
Watching Nishimoya and Tristan's conversation unfold, I was slightly intrigued.
"Hey guys, now that Nishimoya mentioned that, I realized that Elliot doesn't really wear shoes with shoe laces either," Soriel mentioned.
My eyebrow twitched.
"Really? How come Elliot?"
'That's cuz I forgot how to tie my shoes!'
Even though I thought that, I couldn't have possibly said it out loud.
So, I lied.
"Too much work," I said.
"You sound just like Tristan," Nishimoya said with a deadpan expression.
I let out a small laugh.
Soon, Tristan went back to reading, and Nishimoya and Soriel switched to a different topic.
Sitting there, without anything to contribute to anyone, I let my thoughts flow.
'I lied. Why did I do that? Oh, yeah, I was too afraid to admit the truth. I'm a coward.'
For someone who was so despicable and knew it fully well, I had an odd fixation on what other people thought of me.
Not only that, no matter what I did, I couldn't seem to satisfy myself.
'I'm so pathetic…'
A smile came onto my face.
With all my strength, I restrained myself from letting out a laugh.
I mean, how could I not laugh?
It was just so funny.
**
Again, I was in my bed.
School had ended and the day had ended with it.
I had to get some sleep to prepare for the next day.
I twisted and turned for a few moments, and then remembered something.
'I need to check if I turned off the pipe…'
You see, since I brushed my teeth every night before bed like a normal person, I used the sink.
But for some reason, I always had this worry that I didn't turn it off after I finished so I checked every night.
So I got up and walked into the bathroom and made sure the sink wasn't running.
Once I did, I went back to bed.
However, after only a few minutes, I had the urge to check again.
'Dammit Elliot, you turned it off.'
I told myself this again and again in my head, but it didn't stop me.
I got up once again, and checked the sink, firmly this time.
There my anxiousness faded and I was able to lay in my bed.
Still, I wasn't able to sleep.
I tossed and turned, yet I couldn't sleep.
I just kept thinking. Thinking of everything I had done wrong. Thinking of every mistake I had ever made.
Thinking of myself, and how much of a disappointment I was.
Because I couldn't do anything else.
It was the curse I had placed upon myself.
The curse of self awareness.
The awareness of how much of a failure I was.