Spurt!
I felt something being crushed beneath my foot. It was a slightly uncomfortable feeling which was followed by that odd sound.
'Eh…?'
Glancing down, I noticed what I stepped on was a juice box.
The pressure of my foot caused it to burst and for all the contents to flow out.
And some of those contents happened to get on my shoe.
'Aw, my shoe's wet…'
With a slight frown, I lightly shook my shoe and kicked the box away.
Then, I continued walking on my way to school.
**
"Do you think that if I blow up the school we'd all get free 100's in every class?" I asked.
"No. We'd have to transfer and you'd go to jail like an idiot," Tristan responded.
"Hey Nishimoya. What do you think?" I asked Nishimoya.
"I think we should definitely do that!"
"Guys, we'll get arrested…"
"Why did you all start saying we? Elliot only said that he was gonna do it, are you all tryna join in?" Tristan said with a deadpan tone.
I quietly laughed and Tristan looked at me with an unamused expression.
We were all in our second period math class which we shared together since it was Thursday.
And there was nothing like times with friends.
'Hold up, something doesn't make sense.'
"Nishimoya," I called out.
"Yes?" Nishimoya replied.
"How come you're okay with blowing up the school but not countries?" I asked.
Nishimoya gave me an annoyed look.
"Because school is school but countries are cool," she answered.
"Wow, so deep and inspiring Nishimoya," Soriel praised.
"Bro…be so for real," I muttered in response.
Inwardly, I smiled.
Being around these guys brought a small warm feeling to my heart.
It was fuzzy and comforting while also being exciting and fun.
Such a feeling was rare and nice.
Although, I did have to start focusing on the math equations we had to solve.
So I picked my pencil and began working.
But for a second, I glanced out the classroom window.
And I saw that even though I hadn't realized it before, it was still raining.
**
As I sat in the school cafeteria, I took a bite out of my chicken nugget.
"Elliot, is it okay I have one?" Soriel asked shyly.
My eyebrows slightly raised.
'She's never asked for food before, that's kinda weird. I want the nugget…but I also don't wanna be mean. Eh, it's alright, it's just one anyway.'
"Sure," I said, handing over the nugget.
Soriel smiled brightly and took it. Then, she took a bite out of it.
After she took a few moments to chew and swallow, a smile even brighter than before returned.
"Thank you," she chirped.
"No problem," I responded with a slight smile.
Turning to Nishimoya, who was sitting next to me, I asked something.
"Hey Nisimoya can I…" I began to say.
At that moment, my mind went blank.
It was one of those moments where I wanted to say something but didn't know what to say.
So I made myself look like the idiot I am.
"Elliot? What happened?" Nishimoya asked.
'Ok. Think…'
Quickly, I thought of something important.
"How much does a wood chuck chuck if a wood…"
"No thank you," Nishimoya said, cutting me off.
I frowned.
"Meanie," I blurted out.
Soriel chuckled lightly.
The two of the girls began to talk with each other about random things.
I was about to jump in, but something stopped me.
'I don't want to interrupt their conversation. I'd be a nuisance.'
That thought usually came while I was already speaking, and realizing that I was being a bother.
But it was certainly odd to get it before I even spoke.
'Guess I better stay silent then,"
And so, I refrained from talking as much for the rest of the period.
For I had nothing of value to say.
**
"Ah, man, this is such a pain to remember," I mumbled.
"If we want to pass, we don't have a choice," Soriel responded with a defeated smile.
We were sitting in Spanish class for our last period and we were in the middle of learning a new phrase.
Just as we finished copying it down into our notes Ms. Isabel suddenly gave an announcement.
"I'd like all of you to know that at the end of this period, you will all receive your second report card for the year," Ms. Isabel announced.
Hearing this, a slight feeling of unease welled up in my stomach.
My smile from before faltered before disappearing slowly.
'Ah, great.'
To be honest with you, I didn't want to have to see my grades or think about that at all.
If I could, I wouldn't see or think about anything.
However, I didn't have that option.
"Are you okay?" Soriel asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I answered.
The class proceeded as usual but my mood had significantly declined.
Unfortunately, class seemed to go on even faster than usual, leading to school eventually ending.
Once it did, our report card began to get passed out to each and every desk.
It wasn't long before mine arrived.
And with a heavy heart, I forced myself to open it.
'Oh…'
Looking upon my report card, my heart slowly sank.
It felt as if a hand was grasping it, just lightly enough to not crush it.
A few of the grades had lowered, and the ones that didn't lower hadn't increased at all.
It was a sorry sight.
Instantly, my eyes began to find one of the most important parts of the paper.
'My gpa is…3.87 and my rank is…5th.'
I had dropped 3 places.
I was behind.
I had failed.
In my heart, countless swarms of emotions stirred.
From getting lower than I wanted on regents, to having to apologize to Shin, the emotions I pushed down were beginning to resurface.
Quickly, I stood up from my seat, got my bag and stormed out the room.
I began to walk, almost run, aimlessly through the school halls.
'Damn it, damn it, damn it! Why me? Why am I so stupid? I wanna be the best, I need to be the best. Please. Why? I hate this. I hate this school. I hate…'
The music room.
Before I knew it, I was staring in front of the music room.
I had thought I was walking aimlessly, without intention, but it appeared I was wrong.
'Damn it.'
I rushed inside the room, recklessly throwing my bag to the ground.
I clenched my fists.
I wanted to hit something. To destroy something. Hell, maybe even to kill something.
But I couldn't, everything I was surrounded with would cost a lot of money to replace.
I wanted to scream, but I knew that I'd get in trouble with teachers since I was still on school premises.
Hell, maybe even if I wasn't on school premises and had things to destroy I still would've done nothing.
After all, I wasn't good at anything anyway.
I threw myself against one of the walls and sat lazily on the ground.
For a second I clenched my head with my hands as tightly as I could, as if I was trying to break it.
However, I soon stopped.
I felt no relief in such an action. No satisfaction. No release.
It was torturous, to feel such intense emotions but to have to trap them in the prison that was my mind.
"Elliot?" I heard a female voice call out.
Looking up, I saw Soriel. She must've come to practice or maybe she followed me. But the former was more likely.
"What?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine,"
"That's the most blatant I've ever heard,"
She walked over to me, placed her bag on the piano stool and sat next in front me.
"Is it because of the grade you got?
"Yeah,"
"Well, it's okay. It doesn't matter much you can always…
"Shut it! It doesn't matter much? Who the hell do you think you are to say that? I need to become the best! You don't understand
Soriel gave me a taken aback expression.
Then, I saw a slight flicker of anger rise in her eyes.
"You're right I don't understand! What's the big deal? I'm sure your grade barely dropped. Why's getting the best grade so important to you?!" She questioned.
"Because it's all I have!" I retorted.
There was a moment of silence, in that moment I slightly tried to separate myself from Soriel.
"What…do you mean?" She asked with a confused but also concerned expression.
"Grades are the only thing I'm good at! I can't do anything else, I'm too useless for that! I can't draw, my hand writing's terrible, I'm an idiot, I'm terrible at singing or dancing, I can't play an instrument, I have terrible hand eye coordination, and it continues to go on. I can't do anything else, there's else I can succeed at. So I need to be the best. What else can I do? If I'm not the best then I truly have nothing…" I explained hoarsely.
I got up from the floor and picked up my bag and began to walk out of the room.
Soriel continued sitting in silence.
I was about to leave, but something Soriel said stopped me in my tracks.
"Elliot…do you hate yourself?"
Those words, they froze me in place.
It sent my mind into a state of incomprehensible nonsense.
It was like a trigger to a bomb or gun.
You know, I was different from Soriel.
Unlike her, I hid my emotions not out of altruism or kindness, but because I was me.
I was dramatic and emotional and my emotions probably had no good reason behind them.
I didn't deserve to talk about them as if they were an issue. I didn't even deserve to cry about it alone.
Because they really didn't matter.
Despite this, in that moment, I felt my control loosen.
My barrier tumbled, my dam broke.
With everything that happened, my true feelings were dying to spill out.
Those feelings even pierced my fear. My fear of having someone know how I truly thought or felt.
Having someone know the depth of how much I sucked.
It was a unique experience.
'Oh yeah. Soriel and I just made up the other day. I guess I ruined that huh. Sorry…'
Once again, I had messed things up.
But there was no going now.
And as I spoke, I felt that the clouds had parted and that the rain…had finally stopped.
"Yeah, I hate myself. More than anything in the world."