I hate myself.
Those were words I had never once uttered aloud in my entire life. Nor have I ever planned to.
Why would I? No one needed to know that.
My hatred for myself was mine and mine alone, no one had to be aware of it.
In fact, I didn't want anyone to know. The more they didn't know, the less likely it was for them to hate me.
Yes, I know, it's pretty hypocritical to despise yourself but not wanting others to do the same. But that's how I was.
Yet, a part of me did want someone to know.
To share this feeling with another person.
An illogical feeling, a contradictory one.
Talent. That was a thing I lacked. I knew that.
However, I had long realized it wasn't the only thing.
Everything. That's what I had.
All the things to be great, all the opportunities, yet I couldn't make any use of them.
I loved my life. I cherished it. It was a beautiful thing.
The problem was not my circumstances, it was the person put inside those circumstances.
It was me.
More than anything else in the world.
More than any person or object.
More than any concept or thought.
I hated myself.
"Ah…" Soriel made a soft sound of understanding.
For a few moments, the room was dead silent, not even a sliver of sound.
I stood completely still and Soriel sat completely still.
I hated that silence.
It gave time for me to think, to regret the words that I had said.
But I had no words to break it.
Although, Soriel did.
"Why?" She asked.
I could feel her eyes staring at my back.
I wanted to stay facing forward, to not have to meet her eyes.
Yet, I did.
I turned my body and stared into those amethyst eyes.
They were beautiful.
"I hate myself…I…because…" I began.
It took me a minute to find my words, but when I did, I felt my chest tighten.
"Because how could I not? Everything about me was terrible, I don't have a single good trait. Not a single talent worth mentioning, or even at all,"
I took a deep breath.
"Y'know what I hate? I hate the way I joke, it's always incomprehensible nonsense no one gets or finds funny. I hate the way I speak, I'm never able to find the right words or say the right thing. I hate the way I think, I'm always inconsiderate and unable to make smart decisions or do smart things…"
My fists clenched.
"I hate the way I work, I always tend to get bored or distracted like a lazy moron. I hate the way I play games or sports, I'm never actually good at any of them or able to beat anyone. I hate the way I look, I'm not even remotely attractive and my body is skinny and weird to look at…"
My soul trembled, remembering how despicable I was.
"I hate the way I rely on academics, I can't even rely on a talent or career for a purpose. I hate the way I'm always hypocritical, always having an issue with others treating me exactly how I deserve. I hate the way I treat others, even right now as you tried to help I yelled at you…"
Taking one last breath, I spoke again.
"And most of all, I hate myself for being me."
With those words, I felt my legs become weak, as if they were made of twigs.
Thump!
I let myself fall to my knees, weak and filled with embarrassment.
To say all of these things was a step I couldn't take back.
So all there was to do was to keep on talking.
"I'm sorry. Regarding what you said about talent and how it's not the only or main factor, I still want to believe you. But for me, I think the problem isn't only that I don't have talent…but with me as a person. I'm just that terrible…" I said.
I turned my gaze away from Soriel and towards the ground instead.
I wanted to keep talking. To find more words, but nothing came to mind.
Which is why for a few moments, I stayed in that tortuous silence.
There was nothing to grab onto, nothing more to say.
At least, nothing more for me to say.
"It's okay."
Those words were not my own.
I felt a warm sensation on my hands which were resting on my lap.
'Huh…?'
Moving my gaze towards my hands, I found that another set of hands were on my own.
They were soft. They were cold.
'Wait how?'
The hands were cold, so how could I feel warm?
'Ah, I get it.'
The answer was simple. It was because we were together.
And together, we could bring heat, even if we lacked it on our own.
I lifted my gaze, and met the eyes of Soriel, who had crawled over to me while I thought of something to say.
Her eyes seemed different than usual.
They were beautiful, yes, but more than anything else, they were filled with determination.
"Elliot, from what I know about you, you won't stop trying to be the best, no matter what I say. I know that even though I think you're amazing, just telling you that won't help. So, why don't you try a different way?
"What do you mean…?
"If you hate yourself, then become someone else,"
'That's impossible…
"I don't mean become another person, I mean become a new one,"
My eyes didn't widen, instead I felt them sparkle, just like hers.
"I want you to change, Elliot. If you don't like the way your body looks, start eating differently, if you don't like the way you think, train yourself to think differently, if you don't like the way you are, find a different way. That's what I want for you,"
As the gleam of the sun shined into the room, it landed perfectly on her.
Like a star in the night sky.
"I…I mean, I could try…but I'll probably fail. I mean I'm sure I'd just revert back to my old self like usual…"
"No, you have me. When you falter, I'll pick you back up. I'll hold you accountable. I promise," Soriel rebutted.
I looked at her.
She looked at me.
It was embarrassing to open up to someone like that. Scary, too.
Sharing something like that, chained me to her. That knowledge rested in her hands.
I wasn't ready for that. I didn't trust her enough for that. I didn't trust anyone enough for that.
Yet, it was okay.
Because the person I was putting my faith in, cared for others more than anything else.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"Thank you."
"Of course, I'm happy I could help."
I wasn't filled with joy. Nor was I particularly excited or pleased.
But a smile appeared across my face.
Because the weight held in my heart was no longer there.
And in its place, was a beautiful blonde haired girl who meant more than the world.