SF Chapter 171: I Can't Afford Hyenas
Daniel was watching the NBA with Charlie and Jake at his brother's house.
The announcer said, "And that's the end of the game."
"Yeah!" "Damn it!"
While Charlie and Jake celebrated, Dani complained.
Alan, who had just walked into the room, asked, "Who won?"
"Who cares?" Jake replied. "We covered the spread."
"Charlie!" Alan snapped at his brother.
He added sarcastically, "Call me an old-fashioned dad, but I was hoping my son wouldn't start betting on sports until he was old enough to have a drinking problem."
"Alan is right, Jake," Dani chimed in, still annoyed. "Damn it, Nuggets! I just lost a grand!"
"Daniel!" Alan scolded him.
"What? I'm just warming up for the Super Bowl! I've set aside fifteen grand to bet!"
Now Alan shouted, "What?"
"It's the Super Bowl, bro! You can't watch it without betting!" Dani argued.
"And the Super Bowl is even cooler - you can bet on everything, even on the color of the Gatorade they'll dump on the winning coach!"
Then Lisa appeared at the kitchen door, carrying some groceries she had bought for the house.
She walked over and handed the card back to her fiancé. "Charlie, you might want to contact your bank. Your card is blocked," she warned him.
"What? Did you buy that much, Lisa?"
Lisa shot him a glare. "I was only gonna put half of it on your card - stuff we'll all use."
"Sorry," Charlie apologized quickly.
After calling the banks and discovering that all his cards were blocked and several household bills were overdue, Charlie tried - and failed - to reach his accountant, the man who handled all his finances.
He and Alan drove to the accountant's office, while Daniel stayed home working on the new scripts he had conceived and Lisa kept Jake company.
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Charlie and Alan walked into the building where Stan, Charlie's accountant, had his office.
"Wonderful building…" Alan remarked sarcastically as they stepped out of the elevator.
The place looked abandoned - or at least used for rather shady things.
Charlie spread his arms, refusing to judge. "What's wrong with it?"
"The phrase 'reeks of urine' comes to mind," his brother replied.
After walking to the third door, Charlie gestured toward one still wrapped in yellow CRIME SCENE - DO NOT CROSS tape. "Here we are."
Alan pulled a face. "That's seldom a good sign."
Charlie shook his head and knocked. "Hello, Stan?"
A distinctly unfriendly voice answered from inside. "Who wants to know?"
"It's Charlie Harper."
The door opened and a very sketchy‑looking man grinned. "Charlie! Good to see you. Come on in - just don't rip the tape, they check."
"So, what's going on? What can I do for you?"
"Stan, I've got a problem."
Stan cast a quick glance out the window, as if checking for trouble. "Yeah, I know the feeling."
Then he turned, sitting down in front of the brothers. "Sit down, talk to me."
"All of my credit cards are dead," Charlie said. "And they say the bills haven't been paid in two months."
"Yeah, that sounds about right," Stan nodded nonchalantly.
Alan cut in, "Excuse me, maybe this is none of my business - but how does something like that happen?"
"In layman's terms, your brother ran out of money," he said bluntly.
Charlie's eyes widened. "What? How did I run out of money?"
"I knew you'd ask that." Stan grabbed a plastic cup and a bottle of water. "Let me demonstrate."
"Think of this water as cash flow - in your case, your jingle royalties - and this cup as your financial well‑being."
He poked a small hole in the bottom of the cup. "This little hole is your expenses, you dig?"
"Now, Charlie, with most people, when money comes in it drips out and pays their bills, leaving a healthy reserve for emergencies," Stan explained as he poured water into the cup. The water leaked slowly through the hole.
"But with you, Charlie…" He stabbed several more holes in the cup. "You spend it as fast as you get it. You see, you don't drip - you hemorrhage!"
He finished when the bottle was empty and the cup had lost every drop. "And when the cash flow slows down, there's no reserve."
Charlie stared. "Okay… but what happened to my money?"
"Artists," Stan said to Alan with an amused look. "Where would we be without them?"
Alan pressed, "What I don't understand is why you didn't warn him this was happening."
"Okay, mea culpa," he replied, sounding anything but guilty. "Look, I've been a little distracted lately - slight problem with the feds."
"Are you embezzling from my brother?" Alan accused.
"Embezzle what?" Stan rattled the empty cup he'd just used. "Hello!"
"I thought you were the smart one."
"No, this is a totally unrelated import–export problem, all right?" Stan revealed. "I just cannot believe that one of the piñatas showed up at a kid's party."
But then he glanced at his watch. "Oh, boy. This has been a blast - don't get me wrong -but I have a plane to catch right now."
"Tell you what, feel free to browse through all your files." And with that he hurried out of the building.
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Charlie and Alan returned to Charlie's Malibu house and came in through the kitchen door.
While Alan set the multiple boxes he was carrying onto the kitchen table, Charlie sat beside his brother, who had just woken up.
"Where's Lisa?" Charlie asked.
Dani glanced around. "Huh, she was still here when I decided to take a nap."
Then, as if summoned, the woman herself walked in through the kitchen door.
"Hey, right on time, Lisa!" Daniel chuckled. "We were just talking about you. Where were you, by the way?"
Lisa pulled a face. "I took Jake to his extracurricular class. I told you."
"Oh, right. Thank you, Lisa," Alan called from the kitchen.
Dani still couldn't remember. "I might've been too focused on writing my new scripts when you told me that…"
"How did it go?" Lisa asked, curious.
"Not bad…" Dani replied unfazed. "I worked hard before I decided to take a nap, which was probably a little before you guys left."
Lisa stared at him in disbelief. "That was more than two hours ago, and you said you were just starting to work."
She narrowed her eyes. "And by the look on your face, you just woke up…"
"Oh, Jesus, Lisa. I said 'not bad.' I didn't say it was very good," Dani dismissed her.
Lisa rolled her eyes and turned to her fiancé. "What about you, Charlie? How did it go with your accountant?"
"Not bad..." he also replied.
[Harpers commentary]
"Around here, the scale of 'not bad' compared to the actual situation is totally beyond what any normal person would consider," Alan pointed out, accusing his two brothers of lacking common sense.
"Hey, Alan, how's the search for the house you're moving into going?" Charlie asked.
Alan answered promptly, "Not bad!"
"Bro, you really don't know what 'not bad' means," Dani admonished him. "Shame on you!"
[Commentary ends]
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