Lowkey dead ass thinking of dropping this shit
----------
The Smart Pirates had been sailing for six days.
This was notable because nobody knew how to sail.
"Aliens," Sebas said, cape rippling, "where are we going?"
Alien One consulted what appeared to be a napkin with circles drawn on it.
"Borgle fig morp."
"He says north," Sebas translated.
"You literally don't speak alien," Gojo said.
"North it is."
Day three had established the ship's hierarchy in practice:
Sebas gave orders.
Nobody listened.
Gojo laid on the bow with his blindfold off, staring at the sky, occasionally saying "hm" at nothing.
Sukuna stood at the stern doing the captain's-gaze-at-the-horizon thing except he was the muscle not the captain and Sebas kept telling him to stop stealing the bit.
"I'm not stealing the bit."
"That's MY contemplative horizon stare."
"I'm literally just standing here."
"STOP."
PDiddy manned the sails. He had oiled the ropes. This was somehow more efficient. Nobody asked why.
Alien One and Alien Two took turns pointing. They seemed to disagree frequently. Their disagreements went:
"Borgle."
"SCHMORF."
"Borgle borgle."
"SCHMORF SCHMORF SCHMORF."
Then silence. Then they'd point in a direction together.
The big stein sat in a chair he'd found somewhere and whittled. He had produced, over six days: a small duck, something that might have been a boat, and what appeared to be a perfect 1:1 scale replica of Tchkuna's face.
Nobody mentioned it.
Tchkuna stood on the bow. His little feet went tap tap tap on the wood. He stared at the horizon with his one and a half teeth catching the wind.
He was, against all available logic, the most competent navigator present. He pointed. The ship went that way. Things were fine.
"GOO GOO GAGA," Tchkuna said.
"Wise words," Sebas said.
Day six. Morning.
Gojo sat up.
"...It's cold."
It was cold. Very cold.
Sukuna appeared beside him. "Yeah."
"Why is it cold?"
"Good question."
Alien Two made a noise. Pointed ahead.
Everyone looked.
White. An enormous wall of white. Fog at first, then structure — a bay, ice-cliffed and enormous, with warships massed in the water like someone had upended a jar of boats.
"Is that," Gojo said slowly.
"Yep," Sukuna said.
"Is that a war?"
"Big one."
A Marine Admiral was somewhere in that mess. They could tell because something was on fire that definitely shouldn't be on fire.
"Should we leave?" PDiddy said.
"Absolutely," Sukuna said.
"GOO GOO GAGA," Tchkuna said.
Everyone looked at the vice captain. His little feet tapped. His goofy grin surveyed the warzone.
"He says we go in," Sebas translated.
"HE SAID NOTHING THAT MEANS THAT," Gojo said.
"Nautical intuition."
"IT'S A HEAD."
They went in.
Look — nobody actually made a decision. What happened was the aliens navigated toward it because from their perspective every collection of humans was equally baffling and this one had more boats so it was more interesting. The ship drifted. By the time anyone noticed they were technically inside the battle.
A Marine soldier pointed at them.
Then looked at Tchkuna on the bow.
Then looked away. Decided it wasn't his problem.
"See," Sebas said. "Nobody expects the Smart Pirates."
An Admiral turned. Looked at the ship. Took in: a man in a cape on a barrel, the strongest sorcerer lying down, the King of Curses leaning on a mast, two green aliens, a man absolutely glistening with baby oil holding a medieval shield, an old man whittling, and a head with feet.
The Admiral pointed.
Gojo raised a hand. "Don't."
The Admiral lowered his hand. Something in Gojo's voice suggested this was a firm recommendation.
Somewhere in the chaos, Mihawk was there.
This was noted because Sukuna spotted him immediately.
"That's the swordsman."
"Which one," Gojo said without looking up.
"The fraud one."
"Oh, the guy who one-shot—"
"Yes."
"And you're not going to—"
"I'm thinking about it."
"What a fraudster," Gojo said genuinely. "Getting to one-shot someone like that. Must be nice."
Mihawk turned slowly, sensing he was being talked about.
He looked at the ship.
He looked at Tchkuna.
Tchkuna's little feet tapped. His grin was enormous.
Mihawk looked back at the battle. Determined this was not his concern. Raised his sword. Cut the air in a direction away from the Smart Pirates specifically.
Sukuna watched him do this.
"...Respectable."
"Don't respect him," Gojo said.
"I said what I said."
PDiddy had, at some point, gotten off the ship.
Nobody was sure when.
He was now in the middle of the battle with his medieval shield. The shield was catching sunlight and producing the gleam. Soldiers on both sides were shielding their eyes.
"IS THAT ALLOWED?" a Marine yelled.
"MY GREAT GREAT GRANDMA'S," PDiddy yelled back.
This answered nothing.
Alien One leaned over the rail. Watched the battle.
"Borgle," it said thoughtfully.
"Schmorf," Alien Two agreed.
The big stein looked up from his whittling for the first time in six days. Surveyed the warzone. Looked back down.
"Yep," he said.
He had produced a small wooden figure. It looked exactly like an Admiral. He placed it on the rail and did not explain this.
"We should probably do something," Sukuna said.
"Or," Gojo said, "we could not."
"People are dying."
"I mean, yeah, but like." Gojo gestured at the scope of it. "Look at the size of this thing. We'd be here all week."
Tchkuna cleared his throat. Insofar as a head with feet could clear its throat. He looked at Gojo. He looked at Sukuna. His one and a half teeth gleamed.
"GOO GOO GAGA," Tchkuna said.
Pause.
"That felt motivational," Sukuna said.
"Don't let it change you."
What happened next was later described by a Marine lieutenant as "we aren't putting this in the report."
The summary:
Gojo stood up. Straightened his blindfold. Looked at the war. Said "alright, ten minutes," and proceeded to be deeply unreasonable at a scale that caused at least two Admirals to reconsider their career choices.
Sukuna uncrossed his arms. This was, it turned out, the warning sign nobody on either side of the war had the context to recognize.
The aliens watched from the ship and took notes. Their notes read, as near as could be translated: "these ones are broken in a fun way."
The big stein whittled.
Sebas stood on the barrel. Cape. Pointing at nothing with great authority. Contributing nothing. Felt very important about it.
PDiddy's shield continued to be a menace.
Tchkuna tapped his feet and watched his crew with the serene expression of a vice captain who had always known exactly what he was doing.
Eleven minutes later. Back on the ship. Sailing away.
Nobody spoke for a while.
Then Gojo said: "Where's Sebas."
Everyone looked at the barrel. Empty. Cape gone.
They looked back at the war.
Sebas was walking toward Mihawk.
"OH NO," Sukuna said, in a tone that did not suggest he was going to stop it.
Mihawk watched the caped man approach through the chaos of the war like he was on a casual stroll. Soldiers parting around him.
Sebas stopped. Straightened his cape. Looked up at Mihawk.
Mihawk looked down.
"You want some more, little boy."
It was not a question.
Sebas reached sideways without looking. His hand found the back of The big steins collar. The old man had followed.
Sebas held The big stein out toward Mihawk like a weapon.
"Do your thing, bro."
The big stein finally looked up.
He looked at Mihawk. At the sword. At the sword's mans stupid hat. He put his whittling down slowly in his coat pocket.
He reached out both hands.
The air changed.
It got the kind of quiet that makes birds leave.
The big steins eyes went somewhere very far away and very old. His hands spread wide. The clouds moved. They moved wrong, inward, like something above was listening.
He opened his mouth.
"BENJiAAMIN NETAANYuHOOOOO—"
The sky cracked.
"—STRIKE THIS NIHhgaGA BEFORE ME. RIGHT NOW PLEASEEEE NATttttENYAAHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. AND MY LIFE IS YOURS"
Mihawk looked up.
Bibi descended from the heavens.
Backlit by a column of light that had no business being there. Expression unreadable. Presence enormous.
Mihawk stared.
Bibi stared back.
The Smart Pirates watched from the ship in complete silence.
"...Gible," Alien One said softly.
"Schmorf," Alien Two agreed.
Tchkuna's little feet went tap tap tap.
Bibi's hands went into a domain expansion pose.
DOMAIN EXPANSION :
MALEVOLENT PROPGANDA