Poster note. I had to split this part in half because it's 22,316 words long.
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Three days after the rebellion had ended and Crocodile had been brought low, Alubarna was well on its way to restoration. Well… moderately so, at any rate. The rain that had poured all through the first day and into the middle of the second night had made rebuilding a tad difficult, but if the citizens of Alabasta were anything, it was stubbornly resilient. They simply rolled up their sleeves and worked day and night, through the rain, wind, and mud, and when the weather finally abated and let the piercing sun I'd become so used to shine down on the city, the people's work ethic only seemed to triple.
Granted, there were still scars present across the city, still too many lives lost, but in the end, that was inevitable. That didn't stop Soundbite from cringing whenever the topic came up, considering how much of a difference he could have made. The still-healing crack in his shell certainly didn't help matters, either; for the first time since I met the Baby Transponder Snail, he seemed to be sulking.
But still, progress was progress. Whenever we weren't staying in the royal palace watching over Luffy (if his snores were bad now, I dreaded to think what they'd be like when he learned how to sleep-eat), the crew and I could usually be found out and about in the streets of Alubarna, lending whatever aid we could manage. A beam lifted here, rubble cleared there, every bit helped. Well, so long as it wasn't too strenuous. Chopper habitually got on Zoro's case about his daily training as it was, and I had no desire to get between those two.
Speaking of the young doctor, he'd been acting… odd since our victory. Not in a necessarily bad way, mind, just… out of the ordinary. Whenever Chopper wasn't working on whatever new concoction or medical creation he'd come up with, or checking on Zoro's shredded torso or Luffy's water levels, he was spending every waking, and what should have been sleeping moment he could get in the palace's library, poring over medical textbook after medical textbook and evading every question we made about it. It was… slightly concerning, to be sure, but he seemed to be keeping himself healthy, so I couldn't really complain. The best we could do was wish him luck with whatever he was looking into.
"If life seems jolly rotten/There's something you've forgotten!"
I was jolted out of my reverie by Soundbite suddenly boosting the volume of the jaunty melody he'd been singing to himself, allowing me to recognize the exact tune and tempo.
"'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life', huh?" I asked with a grin. "What happened to all that undeserved gloom and doom, huh?"
Soundbite grinned sunnily as he kept the whistling refrain up and running. "NOT A CLUE! All I know is that all of a sudden, I FEEL HAPPY! LIKE SOME GREAT GOOD has been done for TRANSPONDER-SNAIL-KIND! Some great wrong has been RIGHTED, something has been done THAT WILL BE RECOGNIZED FOR GENERATIONS TO COME I can feel it in my shell! Makes me wanna SING!"
I blinked in surprise at that before shrugging off the oddity of the statement in favour of a smile of my own; whatever it was he was feeling, it was far from the strangest phenomenon we'd seen on the Grand Line, and quite honestly, I wasn't willing to look the gift horse in the mouth. So, instead of complaining, I just let the good mood infect me. "Fair enough! Sing on, my gastropod companion!"
"Hey, shake a leg, Cross!"
"That's your job, Sanji!" I shot back, but complied nonetheless, hoisting the bags I was carrying in my arms. Currently, Soundbite and I are accompanying Sanji and Usopp on the final grocery run of our stay. We'd elected to pick up as many supplies as we could in anticipation of our departure later tonight, and it was always nice and inspiring to take a walk down Main Street.
Usopp shot a half-grin, half-smirk at Soundbite as we caught up. "Well, well, you're pretty peppy! Finally decided whether or not you're going to do us all the favour of jumping into Sanji's cookpot?"
"SCREW-SCREW-SCREW-SCREW YOOOOU~!" Soundbite auto-harmonized, never losing the cheer present in his voice.
"Well, of course he's happy, Usopp!" Sanji grinned joyously around his cigarette. "Everyone's happy today, and why shouldn't they be? Their beautiful Princess has returned to them! Truly, they have a worthy reason to rejoice!"
I grinned eagerly at Sanji's ministrations before starting to count down. "And three, two, one…"
"Huh?" Sanji blinked back at me. "Cross, what are you—?"
"HOLY MOTHER OF—!? LOOK AT MY HOUSE! THESE HOLES GO CLEAN THROUGH ALMOST A FULL BLOCK! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY KICKED THE WALLS DOWN!"
"There it is!"
Sanji promptly blushed up a storm and made a swift 90-degree turn, muttering something about wanting to check out a stall that was this way and not at all that way.
Usopp glanced between the holes and Sanji for a moment before grinning impishly. "Those holes were left by Sanji stomping Mr. 2, weren't they?"
I matched Usopp's grin tooth for tooth. "Ooooh no no no, nothing that justified. He kicked 2 through one wall. Those holes lead straight from one of the city's outer roads to the central square." I raised my nose in a haughty sniff. "And to think that he has the gall to insult Zoro for getting lost!"
"HA!" Soundbite barked jubilantly, a motion that Usopp mirrored.
"Ah, isn't it just hilarious to see people make hypocrites of themselves?" I chortled.
"MY BAR! MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL BAR!"
My back went ramrod straight as an agonized voice tore its way out from around a corner. I chanced a glance at Soundbite, and judging by his stricken expression, I guessed that he had come to the same conclusion as me.
"What do you say we hurry up and get on back to the palace, okay? Okay!" I hastily decided, my voice an octave too high as I tried to speed walk away.
"Huh?" Usopp blinked in confusion as he turned his head towards the voice. "Why? Don't we still need—?"
"NOT THAT BAD!? IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING HURRICANE BLEW THROUGH! MOST OF MY LIQUID STOCK IS SOAKING INTO THE FLOOR, THE FURNITURE'S BEEN EVISCERATED, MY SHOTGUN IS IN PIECES—YES, I HAD A FUCKING PERMIT FOR IT!—AND ON TOP OF IT ALL, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TRIED TO START A FUCKING CAMPFIRE! I SWEAR, IF I EVER GET MY HANDS ON THE BASTARDS WHO DID THIS—!"
I tuned out the rest of what the bartender bellowed, and Sanji snickered as he put the pieces together.
"Say, Usopp, isn't it just hilarious when hypocrites are called out on their shit?" Sanji innocently asked the sniper.
"Ooooh, yeah, Sanji, it's just—!"
"-decades worth of history and culture, wasted! And for what purpose, even!? The Ala'Adulah District lies outside of the city! There should have been no reason for anyone to fight there, much less for anyone to employ high-powered explosives! And what were they even doing with all that excavating equipment in a fight?!" complained a passing elderly gentleman.
Usopp turned his nose up with a haughty sniff when Sanji and I turned our glares on him. "Ha! Joke's on you, those Baroque Works jackasses did all the damage, so there!"
"Perhaps the oddest part of it all was the way some of the walls looked like they were blown open, but I simply can't understand it. Where could they have gotten a bull in the middle of a siege?" the elderly man's companion complained.
Usopp faltered uncomfortably as cold sweat started running down his face. "Uhhh… H-hey, is it just me or is that merchant selling copper?" he tried to deflect.
"Cross?" Sanji asked frigidly.
"Half were caused by him, half were him," I drawled at an equally cool temperature.
Usopp glanced between us frantically for a moment before plastering a nervous smile on his face. "C-call it even and never mention it again?"
Sanji and I glanced at one another before shrugging.
"Fine."
"Works for me."
"GIVE ME THE caramel peanuts and cracker jack NOW, or I BLAB TO THE WHOLE STREET! AND VIVI. Remember what she did LAST TIME?"
I winced and whipped my hand to my nose self-consciously as a stab of phantom pain shot through it. "Deal," I promptly folded, digging the snack out of the bag and tossing it up to Soundbite, letting him rip his way through the paper wrapping with his teeth.
"Blackmailed by a snail. What has this world come to?" Sanji sighed, puffing out a cloud of smoke.
"Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer 'extortion'. The 'X' makes it sound cool," Soundbite drawled as he continued chewing.
"I'm gonna take my luck and tell you to bite me," I shot back.
"OKAY!" CHOMP!
"YEOWCH!"
"You did ask for it."
"Same goes to you, long-nose!"
And so it went as we finished up our rounds of the market, eventually making our way back to the steps of the Royal Palace. Pell and Chaka were standing guard about halfway up the stairs, attending to the reception of a… welcoming party, so to speak. God bless the Marine Corps; it took dedication to be such persistent pains in our asses.
"For the last time, there are no pirates inside the palace," Chaka growled firmly.
"We kindly ask that you vacate the premises," Pell concurred in a more even tone of voice. His demeanour promptly froze over as he grabbed the hilt of his blade. "You would do well to leave before we ask you less kindly."
"I don't think you understand just how severe this situation is!" the Marine leading the party shot back with as much authority as he could muster, no doubt hampered by the fact that he was facing down two royal Zoan-bodyguards. "Royal authority or not, the World Government will not ignore you harbouring wanted pirates!"
"Then it's a good thing we don't know any pirates, isn't it?" Chaka shot back without hesitation.
"Hey, Lord Chaka, Lord Pell," Sanji waved politely as we passed by the two.
"Welcome back," Pell smiled and waved back while Chaka maintained his glare of death on the Marines. "Did you find everything you required?"
"Most of it," Usopp shrugged as he hefted the bags he was carrying. "We got… uh… waylaid, so to speak… but it's fine, it's fine, we can make do."
"Well, feel free to ask if you need anything; we'd be happy to send someone out to get it."
"Thank you, sir, you're too kind!" I smiled gratefully.
"Now, wait just a moment, you!" one of the Marines growled, snapping his hand to the hilt of his sword as he glared at me.
I made a show of turning around and smiling innocently at the Marine. "Good afternoon, officer!"
"'Ello, guvnah!" Soundbite concurred.
The squadron promptly tensed up as they snapped their focus to me. I think I could see a glimmer of recognition in some of their eyes. "One of the pirates we're looking for has been reported as having a Baby Transponder Snail with him capable of talking on its own," the lead Marine stated, staring pointedly at the Baby Transponder Snail on my shoulder.
I made a show of looking at Soundbite in confusion before blinking in realization. "Ooooh! Okay, I see your confusion! No, see, Polly here can't really talk, I've just trained him to act like he can! I'm a ventriloquist, you see!"
"Polly wants a cracker, Polly wants a cracker, SQUAWK!" Soundbite promptly provided, albeit with a sidelong glare.
"Do you really think that we believe that!?" the Marine demanded.
"Well, I don't know what you think about me," I gestured at myself before cupping my mouth with one hand and jabbing my other thumb at Soundbite. "Buuut I'd take whatever he says with a grain of salt."
"S.O.S., L.A.P.I.S. ALERT, KIDNAPPER!" Soundbite suddenly howled, jerking his head at me frantically. "Oi'm not 'ere o' me own free will!"
The Marine twitched furiously, but before he could say anything, Pell interrupted him by laughing and clapping. "Bravo, sir, bravo! I'm certain that Princess Vivi will love your performance! I look forward to seeing you at dinner later tonight!"
"And I you, sir!" I saluted him promptly before turning up the stairs. "Well, we'd best be going! See you!"
"Hey, wait a—!"
"Officer, let me ask you… Do you really want to press this issue?"
"Ahhh…"
I waited until we'd put a dozen or two stairs between the Marines and us before glancing at Soundbite. "Lapis?" I queried.
"Lost/Abducted Person: Initiate Search," Usopp explained.
"Local version of A.M.B.E.R." Soundbite concurred.
"Huh. Learn something new every day."
"So, Cross, about how long do we have until Luffy wakes up?" Usopp asked. "Between Soundbite's sulking and his sleeping, it's been almost too quiet around here."
"OH, YOU LIKE IT LOUD, LONG NOSE?"
"GAH!" Usopp yelped, almost dropping a bag as he clapped a hand to his head. "RIGHT IN MY EARS!"
I frowned as I thought about it, and then chuckled.
"If my memory serves me correctly, he should be waking up any minute now… and it's a very good thing that we're about to serve him a royal feast. After all, he missed fifteen meals."
Usopp and Sanji both shot confused looks at me.
"Uh, Cross…?"
"You heard me right."
It wasn't long before we arrived back at the room, and true to my expectations, Luffy was wide awake and announcing the fact to anyone with eardrums. Chopper tore himself away from whatever his studies included to give Luffy a genuinely happy greeting, only to turn away as soon as Zoro came back in from his training, fussing over him removing his bandages too soon. Again. I had to wonder what I had done to change things so much that Zoro actually seemed afraid when Chopper started ranting at him, but with my luck, I was sure I'd find out the hard way.
Everyone found themselves distracted, however, when Igaram's wife, Terracotta, came in with a food cart. I would have been laughing at my crewmates' reactions, I really would have… but it was just too freaking surreal to see in person. People and dogs, I could accept. Heck, even the wife/husband thing was fine at times, sure, but this!? No offence to either of them, but this was just unnatural; Igaram taking a shot of Ivankov's hormones couldn't produce a more identical woman, and vice versa!
Soundbite seemed less affected, but he wasn't making any noise; he seemed caught halfway between the urge to laugh and recoil, with the end result that he just stared with a slightly open mouth. I did manage to tear my gaze away in time to see Luffy devour the entirety of the food cart in less than a second… which I still couldn't wrap my mind around. Terracotta took Luffy's pledge to eat three days' worth of food as a challenge before bustling off to the kitchen. A few seconds passed before Soundbite spoke up.
"YOU KNOW, seeing things like that makes me wish my POWERS focused more on sight than sound. THAT WAY, I COULD see HOW THE HECK LUFFY does that," he monotoned.
"I've sort of wished the same thing a few times now. Unfortunately, the only sight-based Devil Fruit I know of is in the hands of someone who desperately needs it and isn't likely to die anytime within the next few decades," I replied before cupping my chin in thought. "Hmm… though I do know of another Devil Fruit that could help, and we'll find that user relatively soon…" I contemplated it for a second longer before shaking my head firmly. "No, no, that way lies bloodthirsty thoughts. Though it wouldn't be too hard to coerce him into a demonstration." I cast an uneasy look up at Luffy. "Still wouldn't answer one question, though."
"What?"
I looked pointedly at the empty space next to Luffy's bed. "The food I can understand, but how the hell does he pass the metal?"
CRASH!
All eyes turned to Chopper, who was looking between Luffy and me with a hungry expression, his equipment having fallen from his hooves.
I stared at him nervously for a moment before glancing at the table he'd been working on, eyeing the empty coffee mug. "Chopper, how long have you been awake? How much coffee have you had? Have you been dosing it with any 'study aids' you happened to develop over the years, and if so, do they happen to have any side effects?"
"Twenty-six hours, fifteen cups, yes, maybe?" Chopper's smile twitched slightly as he swayed on his hooves. "Doctrine never let me take anything I made twice, so I never got the chance to look into them."
I could feel the sweatdrop hanging off my skull. "Um… scary though she is, I've never seen a better doctor; don't you think there might have been a reason for her to do that?"
"Weeeeell…" Chopper slowly tilted his head to the side contemplatively. "My research notes and experiment logs always did seem to double or triple in length after the first test, and a lot of the things that were in there were totally untested and most likely highly dangerous, but I don't see how—" Chopper's body seemed to sag under its own weight as realization swept over him. "I've been research-binging in a somnambulistic state, haven't I?"
"Uhh…?" Most of the crew's heads tilted in confusion.
"He's been halfway sleepwalking while doing science experiments," Vivi groaned in response.
"That… doesn't sound so bad?" Nami posed hesitantly.
"Oh, so you're volunteering to be his 'research assistant' when he tries to do Doctor Frankenstein proud?" I snarked.
Nami's eyes shot wide in shock before she plastered a calm, if shaky, grin on her face. "Let's not mention this again, shall we?"
"Fine by—aaaaaah—me…" Chopper yawned suddenly. "I think I'm already crashing… I'm gonna go get a nap before dinner. G'night…" And with that, he started shuffling his way towards one of the room's beds.
"What the heck are you even working on, anyway?" Usopp asked curiously.
Like every other time we'd asked him, Chopper waved him off with a grumble. "Theories and hypotheses and stuff, that's it. I'll tell you when I've got something concrete…" And with that, the Zoan-user flopped face-first into a pillow. Seconds later, he was snoring away.
"Before you ask," I spoke up before anyone could say anything as I flipped Chopper over, getting his nose out of the pillow. "No, this is not normal, and no, I don't have any idea what the heck is going on. The only common factor in all this is me."
"So, basically, it's your fault?" Luffy asked, ignoring the dual slaps to the back of his head that Nami and Zoro delivered. "And anyway, what's wrong with how Chopper is? I think that having a mad scientist doctor reindeer would be really cool!"
"You think that having someone as crazy as Kureha—who, might I remind you, chased you around Drum Castle throwing a royal armoury of weapons at you—on the Merry, living with you and treating you every time you got out of a big fight, would be cool?" Vivi incredulously demanded. She paused as she processed what she'd said before slapping her hand to her face with a groan. "I think I just answered my own question."
A mixture of groans and laughter filled the room before Luffy got back to the matter at hand.
"Well, whatever. Now it's time for the banquet! FOOOOOOOD!"
Exactly one second later, Luffy was gone, the doors were almost thrown off their hinges, and I swear I saw an afterimage sitting on the bed in his place. I blinked before shaking my head. "Does that idiot even realize that Terracotta still needs time to actually cook that much food?"
Sanji's audible sigh was all the answer I needed.
"I'll try to cut down on the damage he does," Vivi said tiredly, to which both Nami and Sanji volunteered to help. After a second, Usopp agreed as well, fishing around for some of his Tabasco Stars in his bag. Zoro, unsurprisingly, decided to stay where he was, supposedly meditating… right next to where Chopper was sleeping. I smirked and turned to walk away, but was stopped by Soundbite clearing his throat.
"Oh, right, almost forgot." I turned to Vivi. "Which way is it to the dungeons from here?"
Vivi allowed herself to smirk as sadistically as was possible for someone like her. "Time for Soundbite's conjugal visit already?"
"EEYUP!" Soundbite hooted eagerly in agreement.
The princess pointed down one of the halls. "That way, down the stairs, take a left. There should be some guards you can ask to escort you from there."
"Thank you!" I waved at her over my shoulder as I went on my way.
Overall, the journey took a few minutes, for which I wasn't entirely ungrateful. For such an isolated and arid location, the Alubarna Royal Palace had genuinely exquisite architecture. If this really was the original palace that stood here 800 years ago at the onset of the World Government's power—and the Poneglyph denoted that it most likely was—then the degree of technology available at the time must have been significantly higher. Granted, Machu Picchu was also more elaborate than its location initially belied, but this was on a whole other level.
Even the palace dungeons were surprisingly elaborate: smooth, featureless corridors of sandstone laid out in a relatively grid-like manner. If it weren't for the guard guiding me, there isn't a doubt in my mind that I would have wound up hopelessly lost. A simple, if doubtlessly elegant means of containing all but the most powerful and redoubtable of prisoners.
Currently, the dungeons were filled, if not completely to capacity, then at least damn close. The reason for this was that after Tashigi had managed to pull her men together and gain some form of control over the situation, she'd dedicated every soldier she could spare to covering every possible base she could think of in the name of making sure that there wasn't even so much as a shadow of a chance that Crocodile could escape or be freed from captivity. As such, there hadn't been any available troops to transport the rest of the agents with them, forcing the Alabastan government to take custody of Baroque Works' rank and file in their stead.
Most of the cells held average thugs that all bore the emblem of Baroque Works somewhere on their persons. I noticed a handful of them with bandages or just-healed scars over the tattoos or where they presumably would have been, and flashed back to when Arlong had betrayed Nami. I couldn't help but chuckle; Crocodile had let down everyone that worked for him, and I don't think I'd ever understand exactly why Mr. 1 stayed loyal.
I broke out of my thoughts as we came to a cell with a wooden door, no doubt smaller than the others. Sliding open the eye slot, I looked in and confirmed that the heavily bandaged Mr. 13 and Miss Friday were within, firmly chained to the back wall. The pair leered as they saw me… or I think they did, anyway, they apparently got bitey whenever anyone tried to touch their eyewear.
"Hey, guys! How's it hanging?" I asked innocently.
The two twitched and growled furiously as they glared daggers at me, their respective paws and talons stretching as they tried to reach the floor, which they were suspended several feet above.
"Not good, huh?" I analyzed with faux-concern. "Well, I'm sorry to hear that, I really am… but hey! Look on the bright side!" I turned slightly and showed Soundbite to the two, who were now grinning like absolute maniacs. "You've got a visitor."
"Hello, my darlings," Soundbite crooned sadistically.
And just like that, the Unluckies' attitudes pulled a complete 180, going from fierce and cocky to flat-out terrified. The pair were shaking in their chains, shaking their heads at me in desperation. Desperation I pointedly ignored.
"Well!" I grinned as I picked up Soundbite and plopped him on the small shelf just below the eye slot. "I'll just let you guys get reacquainted, pick up where you left off. Have fun!"
"I WILL!" Soundbite cackled with a lick of his lips.
Their screams of terror rang out just as the eye slot's slide clicked shut. As I turned my back to the door and leaned against it, I noticed that the guard who had guided me was looking at me in confusion. "What?" I questioned. I then got a good look at the guy's face. "Oh, you haven't had escort duty yet. Sorry, those uniforms make identifying you a bit of a chore."
"That's the point," the guard shrugged before looking at the cell door curiously. "So… what exactly is your snail doing in there, anyways?"
"Weeeell…" I rolled my head slightly. "See, the thing is, the animals in this cell? They came after Soundbite, and I personally came during the Revolution. Caused a fair bit of trouble for us, too. And Soundbite, well… he's a bit of a vindictive shit. And to be honest? Considering how these two have been thorns in our hides for a while now? I really don't mind being classified as such, too. Hence, Soundbite is… paying them back with interest for their crimes, if you will. Primarily by making them seriously regret ever living."
"Well, yes, I gathered," the guard shrugged. "But what is he doing, specifically? I heard that his power was making noise, and that seems about right, so how could he do anything to them from almost five feet away?"
I turned, giving the guard a haunted look. "You don't want to know," I said hollowly. "If I told you what he was doing in there… you'd never sleep soundly again."
The guard crossed his arms and gave me a flat look. "I fought in the Rebellion, Mister Cross. I think I can handle myself."
I studied the guy for a moment longer before hanging my head with a despondent sigh. "On your head be it. He's…" I shuddered heavily. "He's reciting Vogon poetry."
The flatness of the guard's look intensified. "He's torturing them with… poetry?"
"Nononono!" I promptly stuck my finger up in denial. "Vogon. He's torturing them with Vogon poetry; there is a marked difference."
"What kind of difference could there possibly be? And what the heck is a Vogon, anyway?"
"An alien. Oh, believe me, I'm quite serious," I went on as the guard stared at me in disbelief. "Extraterrestrial life, and a horrible example of it, too. Ugly, vile, bureaucratic to hell and back, and most importantly? They write some of the worst. Poetry. In the universe. The third worst, to be specific."
The guard blinked in confusion. "I… huh? If you're using poetry and that's really the third worst, then why not go for the first instead?"
"Because the first worst was destroyed, nobody knows what it was anymore, and the universe is grateful for it. Meanwhile, the second worst poetry in the universe comes from a species known as the Azgoths of Kria, and the recitation of one of their poems, 'Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning', killed four members of the attending audience via internal hemorrhaging, and a fifth only survived by gnawing one of his own legs off."
"…eh?" the guard finally managed to get out.
"Eeyup," I nodded solemnly. "You see, Vogons have developed their poetry to the point where it is an instrument of torture. It's right there on the borderline: horrible, terrible enough to cause nigh mortal agony within any and all unlucky enough to hear its excruciating lyrics, and yet… just shy of being actively lethal enough to grant them the sweet, sweet release of death." I grinned viciously at the guard. "Still think we're not doing much for them?"
The guard's mouth flapped uselessly for a moment until he managed to get his jaw under control. "You are a very scary man, aren't you?"
I took a moment to mentally fistpump before singsonging "Pi~ra~te." I then took notice of the time and rapped my fist against the wood of the door. "Okay, Soundbite, I think they've had enough. Wrap it up!"
A minute later, there was a knock against the eye slot, signalling me to slide it open. On the other side, Soundbite was smiling proudly, if somewhat queasily.
The Unluckies were back in a position I'd become very familiar with in the past few days: shaking and shuddering against their binds as they were caught up in the throes of a full-blown seizure, heads tilted back as far as they could go and foam bubbling furiously out of their mouths.
"Well, I'm glad you all had fun!" I saluted them as I slid Soundbite back onto my shoulder. "I'd love to do this again sometime, truly I would, but I'm afraid that our time in this kingdom is limited. Still, be sure to look us up if you're ever in the neighbourhood! Or burn in hell, but hey, either or. Say hi to Magellan for me, bye!" And with that, I slid the slide shut before gesturing at the guard. "After you."
And with that, we resumed the trek back out of the dungeons, going back past all of the prisoners. It was a relatively calm trek—
"BARK BARK BARK! RRRR! BAR-KAI!"
Until a flurry of canine screaming echoed from somewhere else in the prison.
I whipped my head in the general direction of the din, taking a brief moment to realize what the only possible source was before looking back at the guard. "Take me to wherever that is, quick!"
The guard jerked in shock. "Wha—!? No way, that's against every protocol in the—!"
I grabbed his collar and jabbed my finger in the noise's general direction. "That's a bazooka made sentient via a Zoan Devil Fruit with enough firepower to blow us all to kingdom come, especially in this tight a confine! I've already put my life on the line once for this kingdom, now stop wasting time and take me there already!"
The guard debated with himself for a moment before nodding firmly and starting down a corridor, gesturing for me to follow him.
We made swift progress through the halls, ignoring the renewed jeers and catcalls being tossed out by the prisoners. At the same time, the barking grew even more frantic and nearer still.
Eventually, we rounded a corner and managed to catch sight of what all the commotion was: just as I'd thought, there was Lassoo, relatively hale and healthy if not for the burns and scratches he was covered in, snarling and snapping at the trio of guards that had penned him into a corner with their spears, while a fourth stood by with what looked to be a pair of Sea Prism Stone handcuffs. Thankfully, instead of his techno-organic hybrid form, the weapon was fully flesh and bone; granted, he was the size of a freaking mastiff and could easily have made a chew toy out of me, but that was better than getting blasted somewhere where the blast would be funnelled and concentrated.
Lassoo growled and took a bite at one of the guards who got too close—
"WATCH IT!"
"YIPE!"
Before retreating with a pained whimper as one of the guards nicked him with his spear.
"Damn mutt…" the cuff-holding guard growled darkly.
"Hey!" I caught the man's attention as I ran up to them, keeping a wary eye on Lassoo as I went. "What's going on here? How come he isn't in a cell?"
The guard shook his head with a scowl. "The damn thing changed back into a gun shortly before we took him and his owners into custody. He's been in our evidence locker for the past three days. We were just transporting him outside to a squad the Marines sent to pick him up when he suddenly changed back and tried to rip my head off!"
"Personally, I say we just stick the mongrel and be done with it," one of the gruffer guards grunted, jabbing his spear forward menacingly. "Damn thing tried to help kill us all, it's only right we return the favour!"
Lassoo's demeanour shifted visibly at that statement, his shoulders hunching up and a keening noise coming from his muzzle as he tried to retreat and press himself into the corner.
Oh, hell, no. As a previous dog owner, before my family's housing situation dictated otherwise, that was not alright. "HEY!" I barked, harshly slapping the guard's shoulder. "Enough! The rebellion is over and done with! They are going to prison, if not Impel Down itself; there is no reason to re-escalate! Now stand the hell down!"
"But—!"
"You can stand down on your own, or I can get Vivi down here to put you in a cell with them," I snarled, jabbing my thumb at Soundbite. "Hell, I'll even start a betting pool on how many seconds you last. Five to one odds on half a minute, any takers?"
The guards glanced nervously at each other before complying, backing up a few feet from the Zoan but not raising their spears. That was fair. Lassoo was still damn big. The one holding the handcuffs proffered them to me. "Here, you'll want these."
I glanced down at the handcuffs with a cocked eyebrow before smiling and taking them. "Yeah, you're right, I do! Do you happen to have the keys too?" He handed them over, and I promptly slid them both into my belt. "Perfect! Now, if you'd be so kind as to run up to the kitchens and bring a steak down here?"
The guard promptly reeled in shock. "Buh—wah?!"
My gaze flattened as I pointed a finger at Lassoo. "I don't know the exact details on how object-Zoans work, but the fact is that he hasn't eaten anything in three days. So, as I said: steak, T-bone, large, doesn't matter how it's cooked. Hell, you could run a cow down here, and I'd still be happy." I waited for a moment before shooting a scowl at the man. "Today, soldier!"
"Y-yes, sir!" the soldier yelped, hastily scrambling off down the corridor.
I waited until the man was out of sight before turning my attention back to Lassoo. The dog-gun was eyeing me cautiously as he stayed huddled in the corner, but his hackles hadn't dropped even a bit.
I held my hand out calmly as I took tentative steps towards the mega-sized dachshund, calling to mind all of the experience I had gained from dealing with my pet mutt (literal mutt, no idea what his breed was), Tony. I just had to stay calm—
"RRRR!" Lassoo growled, taking a vicious snap at me that caused me to jerk back slightly.
Alright, granted, I'd known Tony since he was a puppy; he didn't outweigh me thrice over, and he most certainly didn't harbour a grudge on account of how two of my crewmates had kicked his ass, but at least I had a home field advantage.
"Little help here?" I muttered to Soundbite. The snail shook his head, still queasy from his torture session; honestly, the backlash Vogon poetry had on his throat was as much the reason for his silence the past few days as his sulking. We both agreed it was totally worth it, though… right up until it made my job at calming the vicious assassin-dog before me ten times harder. Damn it…
I took a calming breath as I readied myself. Alright, let's try this again. "Hey, hey now, no need for that…" I said softly as I held my hand out towards him, slowly inching forward. I paused as Lassoo snarled anew, but I didn't retreat again. "I realized you're pissed, you've got every reason to be, and I'm sorry for that, but it's alright now, it's alright. The war's over, you don't need to fight anymore, alright?" Lassoo made a minor lunge forwards and it was only my steeled nerves that kept me from flinching.
"It's alright, it's alright…" I repeated calmly, slowly reaching over him. "I'm not going to hurt you, I'm just…" I trailed off as I slowly lowered my hand towards Lassoo's head, truly grateful for the fact that I'd decided to leave my armour back in the crew's room.
Lassoo shrank away from my touch initially, but after a moment, he slowly raised his head and met my fingers. I started slowly scratching his scalp, staying on top of his head at first. Only when he relaxed ever so slightly did I move my hand to the side, getting him just behind his ear. After a few seconds, Lassoo relaxed even further, leaning into my hand with a satisfied chuff.
"Theeeere we go," I crooned as I slowly knelt and brought my other hand up, starting to scratch beneath his chin. From there, I slowly moved along his neck to his back. Once I started moving down to his side, he dropped to the floor and rolled over, giving me easy access to his stomach. "Yeeeeaaaaah, you're a good boy, aren't you? Whosa good boy? Whosa good boy? You are, yes, you are!"
"Dog owners," Soundbite wheezed with a snicker.
"Kiss my ass~" I singsonged in the same babyish tone of voice.
"Uh, 'scuse me?"
I fought to keep from flinching as Lassoo tensed up beneath me, a growl rumbling out of his chest. Damn it, of all the times for the bastard to get back, now was the moment he chose!?
I glanced back at the newly returned guard and eyed the steak platter he was holding before giving him a flat stare as a thought came to me. "If I have Soundbite take a bite of that thing, is he gonna keel over?" I asked him in a deadpan tone.
The guard's demeanour instantly stiffened, and I redoubled my cold glare.
Silence reigned for a moment before the guard smiled nervously and jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "So, I'm, ah… just gonna go get a new one?"
"Yeah, I'd suggest you do that fast," I concurred icily before stabbing my finger down at Lassoo. "Before I let him eat you instead."
A menacing canine growl promptly sent the guard scrambling down the corridor as fast as his feet could carry him.
"And make sure Sanji doesn't catch you throwing that thing away, otherwise he will grill you up!" I called after him before going back to my ministrations on Lassoo. "He was a big fat dumbass, wasn't he? Wasn't he? Not like you, you're a good boy! Yes, you are, yes, you are!"
Lassoo chuffed and wiggled happily beneath me, his tail thumping against the stone.
It was all going quite well when suddenly, without any warning—
"Laaaaaaa-ssoooooooo~"
A very deep, very familiar and ridiculously sluggish voice echoed throughout the hall. The dachshund's ears perked up, and before I or any of the guards could react, he quickly flipped to his paws and darted past me, hip-checking a guard out of the way as he galloped around a nearby corner. With no small amount of trepidation, I gave chase, the guards hot on my heels.
Thankfully, depending on how you looked at things, Lassoo hadn't gone far. He'd stopped a few feet in front of us, balancing on his hind legs as he begged against the bars of a cell. A cell that held—!
I snapped my hand out and grabbed the collar of the nearest guard I could reach, dragging him close so that I could shove my face in his. "Not only did you keep both members of an assassin team in the same cell, but you took their Zoan weapon through a corridor that was only a few feet away from them!?" I demanded incredulously.
"T-the dog was still a gun, so we thought—!" the guard hedged uncomfortably.
"The gun is part dog! No wonder he suddenly changed, he smelled these two! Good God, where did Cobra hire you people, the Baroque Works reject line?!" I started to shake the hapless—and in my opinion, almost definitely witless—guard. "I mean, my God, man, this is basic guard shit! Separate the damn prisoners!"
I took another look in the cell and promptly tensed at something else I realized. "And put the bigger one in Sea Prism Stone!" I shoved the handcuffs into my belt at him. Damn it, there went my anti-Devil Fruit contingency, but desperate times! "He can swing a four-ton bat like it's four pounds. I do not trust regular old iron to hold him! What is wrong with you morons!?"
"Hahahaha! Well, this ain't exactly Impel Down they got goin' here, brat!" Miss Merry Christmas barked, shaking back and forth in the Sea Prism Stone chains that she was wrapped up in. At least the Marines had done something right.
"And I wouldn't worry your head off if I were you; while Mr. 4's got the strength to get outta here, he sure ain't got the brains, that's for sure! Speaking of which…" Christmas started shifting back and forth in her chains for a moment, dropping her smirk into a scowl and turning to bark at the goliath next to her. "Hey, moron! My back's killing me here! Gimme a massage! Now, moron, now now!"
Mr. 4 sloooowly looked down at her before nodding with just as much speed. "Ooooo-kaaaay," he droned. With a single jerk, the large man broke his cuffs like wet cardboard and reached towards his partner.
I promptly stuck my arm out, stopping one of the guards from going towards the cell. "Don't. 4's too moronic to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Interrupt him, and we'll be dealing with a real-life Goliath. With any luck, he won't have the presence of mind to stop you from cuffing him once he's done."
I cast a glance at Lassoo, who hadn't moved from his position against the bars. Still full beast point, thankfully. With any luck, he'd stay that way too. Otherwise… I didn't want to think about it.
"Oh, quit your bellyaching, you stupid little brat!" Merry Christmas barked from where she was lying facedown… since her chains would allow. "If we were gonna have Lassoo blast us out of here, he'd already be in his hybrid form by now! And besides, we wouldn't have him shoot in here! That'd just be stupid, it'd kill even us!"
"You're saying that you're above using suicide attacks?" I asked in disbelief.
"Certainly not for Crocodile, that's for sure!" the mole-woman snorted. "Before he tried blowing us straight to hell with that bomb of his?" She shrugged slightly. "Maybe, the pay was admittedly damn good. But after we saw how big that blast was, and he didn't warn us? No chance in hell! That sad excuse for a Warlord deserves every second he gets in Impel Down!"
"Yeah, no kidding," I muttered to myself before raising my voice. "So, here's another question for you: if you could have had Mr. 4 break out at any time these past two days, why haven't you already gotten out of here?"
"Well, you see, brat—!" CRACK! "YEOW! MORE TO THE LEFT, MORON! NO, MY GODDAMN LEFT, NOT YOUR LEFT, MINE!" CRICK! "Ah, that's better. Anyways, the reason why is that your long-nosed friend and your furry friend blew us straight to hell and back. We might have given them a few hard knocks, but we got pretty damn fucked up ourselves! If we tried to break out, especially with me wearing these—" she shook her arms and showed off her cuffs, "then we'd be turned into sieves in seconds. Rule number one of being a professional mercenary-assassin, brat: knowing when to fold them!"
"IIIIII thooooought thaaaat waaaaas fiiiiiif—?"
"That's what I said then, and this is what I'm saying now, moron! The rules are changing all the time! Try and keep up, you moron, keep up!"
"Do you seriously expect him to?" I asked curiously.
"No, but it helps cool down my raging migraines…" Merry Christmas, growled in aggravation. She was silent for a moment before glancing up at me, a curious glint in her cracked sunglasses. "So, tell me, brat. What was that all about?" She scowled at my confused look. "Lassoo, ya dumb brat, Lassoo! Why'd you stick up for him like that? Not that I ain't grateful, the dumb mutt's grown on me, kind of like a fungus, but still! As you said, he helped try to burn this country to the ground! So, why'd you help him, huh?"
I blinked in surprise before shrugging casually. "Well… hell, why not? I had a dog too, once, back before I started on this crazy journey my crew's on, and, well…" I reached up and scratched Lassoo's ears, which earned me a pleased chuff. "I realize that it's not quite as simple as this, what with some animals being smarter than others—present company not withstanding, of course," I smirked as Soundbite chomped down on my shoulder. "But personally, I believe that there aren't really any actually bad animals. When domestication is involved, at least. Just… bad owners, you know?"
"Gotta catch 'em ALL?" Soundbite rasp-wheezed in my ear.
"Hey, if the shoe fits," I muttered back.
Miss Merry Christmas stared at me with an unreadable expression. Finally, she broke the look and sat up as Mr. 4 stood back, cracking her neck slightly. "Well, not that it hasn't been great talking with one of the idiot brats who ruined our chance at the payday of the century—!"
"Hey, you're the one who tried to claim that Luffy was dead without actually seeing a body," I promptly shot back. "So, who, pray tell, is the idiot here?"
Christmas's expression dropped into her trademark scowl. "Alright, brat, just get the hell out of—!"
"Waaaaiiiiiit."
Both Christmas and I looked in surprise at Mr. 4, who had an uncharacteristically serious look on his face…or at least, his face was forming into what looked like an uncharacteristically serious look. His baby face made it a bit hard to tell.
"Huh!?" Christmas barked, voicing what we were all thinking. "Wait?! Why do you want him to wait, moron!? What's there to wait for? We're all done here! Do you need us to repeat it all for you, moron, because I won't do it again, you hear me!? I won't—!"
"Yoooouuuu liiiiiike hiiiiiim?" Mr. 4 droned out, interrupting Christmas as he looked at Lassoo and pointed at me. The dog-gun blinked and tilted his head in confusion as he looked back at me before barking eagerly and nodding as his tail wagged some. Mr. 4 slowly tilted his head to the side as he seemed to ponder something. Seriously, slow he might have been, but that made for a helluva poker face. Fortunately for all of us, it didn't take long before he looked back up at me.
"Yooouuu taaaaake caaaaare ooooof Laaaaassoooooo."
Silence… then—
"WHAT!?"
"YI—HUH!?" Lassoo blinked as his yelp morphed into legible words. "What the—?"
"I'm back and better than ever!" Soundbite whooped with a blare of victorious fanfare.
"More like worse," I shot at him with a glare. "Goofy? Seriously?"
"NYEH!"
"ARE YOU COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND, YOU MORON!?" Merry Christmas suddenly howled at the top of her lungs, jerking at 4 as though to rip his head off. "I MEAN, SERIOUSLY!? I REALIZE THAT THAT WAS THE PLAN THE WHOLE TIME, BUT I THOUGHT WE'D GIVE HIM TO SOMEBODY WHO WAS ACTUALLY HALFWAY DECENT! THIS STUPID BRAT HELPED STOP US AND SAVE THIS STUPID KINGDOM, STUPID!"
"Eeeeexaaaaactlyyyyy," Mr. 4 said, folding his arms and nodding.
Christmas froze as she silently gaped at 4 before slamming her jaws shut with a growl. "Sometimes, I really wonder just how moronic you actually are…" she ground out furiously, a vein pulsing on her forehead.
The corners of 4's lips slowly tilted upwards.
"Uh, 'scuse me?!" I piped up, waving my arms frantically. "Seriously confused pirate here, wanting to know what the hell is going on! What do you mean, I take care of Lassoo!? He's your gun-dog!"
"Dog-gun," Christmas corrected with a huff. "You know, like mole-woman or rubber-man? It's how it's done. And anyway, not anymore. The big moron's spoken, and apparently I don't have any ground to stand on anymore. I'd hoped to get a good price out of this, but I guess this is just how the cookie crumbles."
"H-huh!?" Lassoo yelped, looking between his owners with mixed confusion and horror. "Y-you were gonna sell me? But why!? I-I was a good dog, I listened to you, I—!?"
"That's exactly why we're shoving you off, you dumb mutt!" Christmas spat. "You've been a good weapon for the past few years, really reliable, but where we're going, you can't come! And whether you like it or not, we like you too much to put you through it!"
"Huh?" Lassoo blinked. "What're ya—?"
"Laaaaassoooooo," 4 interrupted slowly. "Weeeeee'reeeee reeeeetiiiiiriiiiing."
"HUH!?" Lassoo barked.
"Retiring, mutt!" Christmas reiterated in exasperation. "Getting out of the game, hanging up the knives, tossing in the towel, any other euphemisms you can think of for it, it applies! Once we break out of here—and we will break out sooner or later, you can count on it—4 and I are getting the hell out of the mercenary business, once and for all! We're getting too old, just too damn old. We wanted to buff the nest-egg we have stashed across a few islands with one final payday, but that plan was blown to hell!" She sent an especially acrid glare my way.
I met it head-on with a snort. "Screw you, mole-woman, if our crew hadn't stopped Crocodile, you two would have lost a goodly chunk of your body weight the hard way. Though let's be honest." I grinned nastily. "That would have been an improvement in your case, huh?"
I swear I saw a red aura around her for a second before she forced herself to look back at Lassoo, though her tone was noticeably more irritated. "Anyways, like I told the brat earlier, you're a gun that's part dog, not the other way around; if you were a dachshund that'd eaten a weapon-based Fruit—!"
"Donquixote famiglia members' got that one, no chance of that happening in this lifetime," I piped up helpfully.
"But the fact is that you're not," Christmas finished with a snort, pointedly ignoring me. "You're a weapon, Lassoo, one of the strongest guns to come out of the 'Wild' West Blue in decades, and that's saying something. You might have a mind and will of your own, Lassoo, but our base natures never stop affecting us; you're a weapon, Lassoo, always have been, always will be. You can stop it for a moment, you can pause it, but that bloodlust you feel, that rush whenever you're blasting enemies? That's never going away. You were made for the battlefield, and you couldn't leave it or make it leave you if you tried. You're better off going with someone who can help you make the most of both parts of you. Someone who's actually going to use you…" She trailed off for a moment before sighing uncomfortably. "Someone who's not us. Sorry, mutt. Wish it were later than sooner, and I wish it were more comfortable, but this is the end of the line for us. Got it?"
The guards looked as shocked as I felt at the whole thing. Heck, even Soundbite seemed surprised.
Merry Christmas stayed morose for a second longer before snapping her head up and glaring at me. "So! You're taking care of Lassoo now, whether I like it or not. That means you feed him, pet him, clean him, maintain him, the works. I stowed his instruction manual in a compartment on him because 4 couldn't hold onto it if he tried, and there was no way in hell I was going to lug it around if I could help it. It has his specs, maintenance directions and everything. Follow it to the letter. And learn how to use him; if there's one thing more dangerous than a loaded weapon, it's a dumb brat like you having a loaded weapon and not knowing how to use it. Other than that, uh…"
"Taaaaaaake caaaaare oooooof Laaaassoooooo…" Mr. 4 droned slowly.
SLAM!
"GRGHK!" I choked out, scrabbling at the pneumatic freaking clamp that had closed around my throat. Fucking hell, did this jackass know Shave or something because I swear that wasn't movement that was fucking teleportation and the bars were bending like butter beneath his other hand ohfuckfuckfuck!
"Or else," the goliath growled murderously.
The grip on my windpipe lessened just enough for me to both suck down some air to speak with and get an idea. "Okay, okay, okay," I blurted out hastily. "I'll take Lassoo, I'll take good care of him, I swear, but you have to do one thing first, one thing!"
"What, what the hell is it!?" Christmas barked impatiently.
I reached behind me and fumbled around blindly for a second before grinning and yanking the seastone cuffs out of one of the guard's hands and holding them up for 4 to see. "Put. These. On."
4 blinked slowly as he stared at the cuffs before thankfully letting me go, allowing me to gasp in relief, before proffering his wrists through the bars. "Ooooookaaaaay."
"Damn cheeky brat…" Miss Merry Christmas spat acridly.
Lassoo looked on for a few moments before turning literal puppy-dog eyes on the guards. "Can ya open the door so I can say g'bye?" he whined.
I gave him a deadpan look as I clicked the cuffs around 4's wrists, doing my best not to flinch when he pulled them back through the bars with little to no resistance. "I realize that these dumbasses radiate stupidity—"
"HEY!"
"No seastone whatsoever on the Zoan weapon or the quarter-Giant, plus, to reiterate, putting them together, and you seriously think you have room to object!?" I demanded incredulously. I took solace in their chastised expressions before looking back at Lassoo. "Anyways, literally dogged loyalty is all well and good, but opening their cell for even a moment? Yeah, hell to the no." I met the puppydog eyes head-on with all the unmoving frigidity of a glacier. "Soundbite already played that card, chewed it up and spit it out. That door's not opening."
I really had to fight from flinching when he flipped to baring his teeth and snarling viciously. His musculature started to shift beneath his fur—
"Lassoo."
When he suddenly flinched on account of a harsh voice lashing out at him. He slowly turned his eyes towards the cell, where 4 was glaring coldly at him.
The glare held up for a moment longer before he softened into a smile. "Beeee goooood, Laaaassoooooo. Allllriiiiight?"
Lassoo whimpered as he hung his head before slowly nodding in agreement. "O-okay…" He looked up sadly and waved his paw. "G'bye, Master. It was fun."
Mr. 4 nodded slowly as he waved one of his hands. "Byyyeee-byyyeee, Laaaassoooooo."
Miss Merry Christmas pursed her lips sourly for a moment before hanging her head with a sigh herself. "Goodbye, Lassoo."
Lassoo stared at them for a moment longer before looking up at me, fear and trepidation obvious beneath the neutral expression he was trying to put on.
I smiled kindly as I knelt down and held my hand out to him. "Before it starts, let's get one thing straight: none of that 'master' business. My friends call me Cross. Welcome to the Straw Hat Pirates, Lassoo. I'm glad to have you, and there isn't a doubt in my mind that the others will be too. Though," I smirked as I jerked my thumb at Soundbite. "Fair warning, he'll prolly blast you with a dog whistle once or twice."
"I'm an insufferable JACKASS!" Soundbite proclaimed, sounding way too proud of that statement.
Lassoo stared at my hand hesitantly for a moment longer… before lolling his tongue out and grinning as he gave me his paw. "Call me Lassoo, and same here."
I nodded and smiled as I stood up and clapped my hands. "Well! Come on, then, let's go and get some dinner!"
As we followed the guards out of the dungeon, we were met with a guard… carrying a steak platter.
"Uh, s-should I just put this down here or—?
"Don't know, don't care, just don't let it go to waste or our cook's liable to kill ya," I drawled as I walked around the frozen guard.
"Hey, now," a sultry voice drawled from a nearby cell. "If none of you are going to have that food, maybe I could have a bite?"
"Fuck off, acupuncture bitch," I shot back without a glance.
"Worth a shot," Miss Doublefinger shrugged indifferently.
No further interruptions surfaced as I made my way back up into the palace with our new companion. A few more minutes, and I met the majority of the crew outside the dining room. I briefly considered how to succinctly and professionally explain the current turn of events… before plastering a grin on my face and raising my fingers into a salute.
"Hey, guys, guess what? I got a dog!"
Nobody knew what to think for the first few seconds, staring curiously at the oversized dachshund, up until Lassoo stated his name, to which Usopp reacted… pretty much exactly as you'd expect.
"THE MR. 4 TEAM'S BAZOOKA-DOG?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"
I pondered how to react before widening my grin into a shit-eating one. "Nope. Met 4 and Merry Christmas on the way back from meeting with the Unluckies—"
"SWEET, SWEET REVENGE, baby!" Soundbite crowd.
"And they didn't want their poor doggy to share their fate, and since I've got experience with dogs and am a decent guy in general, they said I could keep him, as long as I take good care of him. Actually, I think I'll need your mechanical expertise to help with that, Usopp; you're the best guy I know with gadgets, after all, and you could really show off by upgrading Lassoo."
Puffing up his ego seemed to work for a few seconds before he forced his frown back in place…though it was more worried than hostile. "Can we trust him? We're talking about a former Baroque Works agent here."
"Hey, my master and his friend were good to me, and I showed my loyalty for it!" Lassoo sniffed indignantly. "Cross was good to me, too, so I'll be showing him and his friends loyalty. It's that easy."
Usopp scrutinized Lassoo suspiciously for a moment. "Alriiiight… in that case…" He crouched down and held his hand out. "Shake."
Lassoo stared at Usopp for a moment before bringing his paw up and placing it in the sniper's palm. "Happy?"
Usopp held the paw for a moment longer before standing up and turning around, his head bowed, and his chin cupped contemplatively. "Well, it will take a while for us to trust you completely, but for the moment, I think that—!"
CHOMP!
Everything froze as Lassoo's jaws crunched down squarely on Usopp's ass, gnawing on as much flesh as he could get his fangs on. The silence lasted for all of one second before Soundbite began laughing his ass off. And, not entirely surprisingly, Luffy joined him.
"Cross?" Nami growled out as she pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Lassoo?" I asked with much the same tone and position.
"'Dish bastard mocked my species as soon as he saw me, slammed my old master into me with a hammer, and caused me to blow myself up!" Lassoo growled out viciously. "I may be loyal to you guys now, but I deserve this much for payback!"
I stared at him contemplatively for a moment before shrugging neutrally. "To be fair, Usopp, you did make him try and blow himself up."
"HE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME!" the sniper howled, trying to yank himself out of the dog-gun's jaws.
"And Vivi was trying to kill Laboon when we first met her, but you don't see me raising a big fuss over that, do you?"
"Mister Jeremiah."
I shivered slightly at the Princess's frigid tone before spreading my arms helplessly. "Come on, Vivi, they offered out of the blue, and you don't leave any options on the table when they're available. Plus, he was originally a gun. Guns don't kill people, people kill people!"
"He has a will of his own," Vivi retorted darkly.
"He's a dog, dogs are loyal to their owners! Come on, who do you blame for a dog being mean, huh? The dog or his owners?"
Vivi's expression remained cold for a few moments longer before she finally relented and slapped a palm to her face. "Just… don't let him back on Alabastan soil once he leaves it, alright?"
"I've got a better question!" Usopp snapped. "Why aren't you doing this to Chopper?! He also blew you up, and threw sand in your nose!"
"Right. So, experimental adrenaline serum 23B apparently causes hallucinations. Good to know, good to know."
All present turned to the doorway, where a drowsy-looking Chopper was scribbling something on a notepad, Zoro alongside him with a well-hidden look of concern on his face. Lassoo darted his eyes over to the other Zoan, but I held out a hand.
"Bite him if you have to, but wait until he's not the size of a stuffed animal, alright?"
The dachshund considered that before shrugging. "Fair enough, but don't make me wait too long."
"That depends entirely on him. On that note…" My gaze hardened again. "Let him go." I waited for a second before crossing my arms firmly. "Now, or Soundbite breaks out the whistle on my orders."
Lassoo promptly let go with a disappointed chuff. "Fiiiiine…"
Nami sent a half-pleading look at Luffy. "Captain?"
Luffy tilted his head slightly as he stared at Lassoo before looking at Usopp. "You said that he's a dog who can turn into a gun, right?"
Usopp nodded frantically, but before he could say anything, I piped up. "Actually, he's a dog-gun rather than a gun-dog; he ate the Dachshund model of the Mutt-Mutt Fruit."
And just like that, Luffy had stars in his eyes. "You mean he's a gun that can turn into a dog!? Cool!"
Nami pinned me with a betrayed look, flinging her arms out in a gesture that just screamed 'WTF'. I put on a bemused expression and shrugged heavily. "Look, I'm playing this by ear, alright? After all, our crew is gonna—! …um…"
I trailed off uncomfortably as I glanced at Luffy. "Well, suffice to say that we'll make allies stranger and more hostile than this in the future, and… the pros outweighed the cons," I explained carefully, still looking at our captain before returning my attention to Nami. "In the end, there really aren't any downsides to all of this and, well…" I tilted my head slightly. "Do… you really have any grounds to stand on when talking about someone switching sides? No offence, but really now."
Nami's expression darkened, and she glanced over at Lassoo, sizing him up. In the end, she slouched forward with a hand pressed to her temple. "Fine, you're the expert on character here. But if I put one foot in dog-doo, he and you are going over."
"Don't worry, I know how to hang it over the edge when I go," Lassoo reassured her. "It's a skill all dogs learn really fast on the seas. It's either that or get slated as emergency rations."
Nami looked like she could have done without that information, but nodded nonetheless. Sanji seemed to have no objections, though I could tell by the way he was puffing on his cigarette that he wasn't letting his guard down just yet. Usopp, despite the pain he was in, had yet to actually say anything, and Luffy…well, that went without saying. I looked back at the remaining crewmates in the doorway. Chopper still seemed to be slightly out of it, and Zoro…
I swear, if he didn't have Conqueror's Haki, then the glare he was pinning Lassoo with was close enough to fool anyone on this side of the Red Line who didn't know any better. And by the way, Lassoo folded almost instantly and hunched in on himself, whimpering and cowering pathetically. If I had to guess, I'd say that he either didn't know any better or he just didn't give a damn. After a few seconds, the swordsman nodded and looked at me, thankfully dropping the glare in the process.
"Maybe some heavy artillery will give you half a chance in sparring."
I opened my mouth to give an indignant retort, but closed it as I considered the statement. "…you're lying through your teeth, aren't you?"
Zoro smirked as he strode past me. "You guessed it. Now, come on, let's get something to eat, I'm hungry!"
"Alright! …wrong way."
"Gah, sonnuva—!"
"ENOUGH TALK!" Luffy abruptly whooped. "COME ON! LET'S EAT!"
"Wrong way, Captain. Also, the wrong way. No, still the wrong way." Sighing, I pointed to the door out of the room. "That way."
"Aaaactually…" Vivi took hold of my wrist and turned my arm to the left.
I stood silent for a moment before giving her a flat look. "Your home is stupidly expensive."
"DON'T CHANGE the subject!" Soundbite chortled.
"Shishishi, you're an idiot, Cross!"
"LIKE YOU HAVE ANY ROOM TO SPEAK!?"
"Hweehweehweehwee!" Lassoo squeaked.
"… Okay, the Goofy voice I can take, but Muttley's laugh!?"
"HOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEEHAHAHA!"
"Good grief…" I groaned, slapping my hand to my face.
Honestly, now, considering how my crew acted in a public setting, I could only imagine how dinner was going to turn out.
---
My eye twitched steadily as I watched a piece of meat disappear from my plate moments before the tines of my fork could actually touch it.
I really, really do not know what the hell I was expecting.
"Luuuffyyy…" I snarled out darkly. Moving fast, I snatched up my knife in a reverse grip and stabbed it into the wood where Luffy's hand had once, twice, three times in a row. All to no avail, on account of how I still barely missed stabbing the dead meat, both raw and cooked. Finally getting fed up, I glanced around and waved one of the nearby serving girls over. "Pardon me, miss," I hissed with forced politeness. "But have you ever heard of Ghost Peppers before?"
I grinned as the blood drained from the already nauseated woman's face. "Y-you mean the hottest, spiciest peppers this side of the Red Line?"
I nodded in confirmation. "That's the one! Could you kindly ask Terracotta to stuff a niiice big shank of meat with them, then bring it here?"
The serving girl opened her mouth to say something… then glanced over to where Vivi was laughing, reconsidered, and leaned in with a devious grin. "Actually, sir, if I might make a suggestion?"
I cocked an eyebrow in curious interest. "Oh?"
"While Ghost Peppers are infamous and indeed the spiciest peppers on this side of the Red Line, might I instead recommend the West Blue Ilusian Reaper? They're a crossbreed of Ghost Peppers and Habanero Peppers, and are fifty percent spicier than Ghost Peppers; I believe they're considered to be the hottest peppers in the world."
I whipped my hand to my mouth with a theatrical gasp of horror. "You're wicked!" I then grinned from ear to ear. "About a dozen or so should do the trick."
"Of course, sir," she curtsied before looking over at Lassoo. "And you?"
"Hm?" Lassoo looked up from the bowl of mashed potatoes he'd been burying his muzzle in, the meal dripping from his lips.
"Never mind, then."
"Okay!" And with that, he reburied himself.
"Is anyone else in need of anything?"
"SALAD, salad!" Soundbite called from the empty bowl he'd worked his way into. "AND NO VINEGAR!"
"And don't put your fingers too close while serving it," I added helpfully.
"Also, can we get some smelling salts over here, please?" Sanji called out uncomfortably, lightly poking at Chopper's prone form. "I think our doctor is drowning in his soup."
"R-right away, sir!" the serving girl said, nodding hastily as she raced off to the kitchens.
Thankfully for my appetite, it didn't take the girl long, and soon enough she was back with several companions, carrying the requested platters.
Mine in particular was notably mouth-watering, and I'd have dug in myself if I weren't fully aware of the fact that doing so would mean death by oral immolation.
Soundbite was just as eager, snickering and cackling in his bowl. The second the salad was dumped in, the greens immediately started vanishing at blinding speed, accompanied by the sound of mechanical shredding.
I smirked as I fingered my fork, and as I did so, I noticed Usopp grinning with just as much malice over his food. I waved and got his attention, pointing down at my food and then holding up 3 fingers. The sniper promptly replied with a snicker and a thumbs-up.
I then held my fork up over my plate with an eager-ish grin. "Oh, boy, this is gonna be good!" I crowed as genuinely as I could manage.
As predicted, the meat almost instantly disappeared from my plate, and judging by Usopp's shit-eating grin and his own empty plate, I wasn't the only one who'd been robbed.
Thankfully, our comeuppance would be delivered in three, two, one…
"HOOOOOOOOT!"
Usopp and I cackled as the ambient temperature in the room suddenly spiked, accompanied closely by the whoosh of flames.
"Oh, yeah, chalk one up for strategy and deviousness!" I cackled, grinning eagerly as I reached out to stab a particularly juicy-looking leg of poultry.
My demeanour promptly flipped as the meat disappeared. Again. "Seriously!? Isn't your tongue burnt to hell and back!?"
"Mmyeah, eating hurts a lot!"
"THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL DOING IT, DUMBASS!?" Nami demanded incredulously, cracking her fist over Luffy's skull.
My eye twitched furiously as food continued to disappear at a blinding rate. "Alright, that's it! Hey, Lassoo!"
The dachshund-hybrid popped his head up curiously.
"Care to demonstrate how good you are at following orders?" I jabbed my finger at Luffy. "Sic him, boy."
Lassoo grinned eagerly before leaping up onto the table and lunging at Luffy's hand the second he grabbed another piece of meat. The Zoan-user's grin widened by several fangs for a second before dying as he started to skid across the table.
"Oh, no, you don't!" I yelped, wrapping my arms around Lassoo's midsection.
In hindsight, I realize just what a stupid, stupid, stupid move it was, trying to get into a battle of strength with a person whose whole schtick was being stupid strong. But at that exact moment, I only realized it after I'd been dragged out of my seat and across the table, ruining my second-favourite jacket and causing everyone else to start laughing.
I took a moment to let the world stop spinning before slowly righting myself and levelling a scathing glare at my captain. "Luuuuffyyyyy…" I growled out viciously. "You're not going to get this reference, but I'm about to turn you into freaking Greninja. And in the name of that," I jabbed my finger at him. "LASSOO, MAUL!"
"BARK BARK BARK!" Lassoo… barked, scrambling to his paws and leaping at Luffy. The two promptly fell into a nigh cartoonish ball of violence, dust cloud and all. Hell, I wouldn't have been surprised if a star or spiral or two had dropped out of the brawl in the process. Soundbite providing the necessary ambiance didn't hurt either.
"Mmmrgh…" I looked over my shoulder as Chopper blinked awake in his seat, rubbing his eyes blearily. "This is why I swore off all-nighters five years ago. And I thought that Doctorine getting mad at me for falling asleep in the middle of one of her surprise tests was bad enough…" He looked towards the source of the noise filling the room and promptly shook fully awake in terror, shifting into his Heavy Point defensively. "L-L-LASSOO!?"
The hound promptly paused his fight and looked over his shoulder. Seeing that Chopper was now of the appropriate size, his attentiveness towards Luffy abruptly ended in favour of baring his teeth at the human-reindeer with a growl.
"Don't worry, Chopper, the good news is that he's been placed firmly on our side," I reassured the doctor. "The bad news, on the other hand, well..." I grinned sheepishly. "He's… got something of a grudge against you. So… yeah, I'd suggest you run… like, now. And before you say anything!" I cut his attempted protest off with a raised finger. "In all fairness, you did blow him up."
"AFTER HE DID THE SAME TO ME! I WAS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING CLOUD OF HIS DAMN BASEBALL BOMBS!" Chopper retorted fearfully.
"Yeah, but you played on his prevalent condition to do it," I countered, shrugging. "Look, just let him get his literal pound of flesh, and you'll both be even. Okay?"
"Uhh…" Chopper eyed Lassoo warily for a moment. Finally, however, his animal instincts took priority as he turned tail and ran away. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"
"RUFF RUFF RUFF!" Lassoo bayed fiercely, promptly giving chase.
"I thought you were translating?" I queried back at Soundbite.
"THERE'S not—URP!—not always SOMETHING to TRANSLATE, YA KNOW!"
I shrugged in response, then looked back at Luffy, who was struggling to get up and, from the angry look in his eyes, chase after Lassoo. "GET BACK HERE!" Moments later, he proved me right as he leapt to his feet. But first…
"GRAA-GYERK!" Luffy gagged as he ran mouth-first into my outstretched hand.
He wasn't getting away without me making good on my vow.
Eurgh, really wish I'd had my armour for that bit, but hey, at least I'd managed to do it!
I cackled as Luffy staggered away, grasping and fumbling at the tangled muscle wrapped twice around his head and trailing behind him like a scarf, utterly obscuring his mouth. "Can I make the obvious tongue-tied joke, or would that be too cheesy?"
"If it had just been a simple knot, you'd probably have been slapped at least once. But that? Make all the bad jokes you want, that was gold!" Usopp cackled as he nearly toppled out of his seat in his rolling laughter. "Plus, we can eat in peace now!"
Cobra cocked an eyebrow in amusement as he watched Lassoo chase Chopper around the table. "This is what you count as peaceful?"
"HA! Are you kidding?" I scoffed as I righted Luffy's chair and sat in it, absentmindedly grabbing something off the table. "Let me tell you something, your highest of highnesses!"
"Ah, Cross—!" Nami tried to grab my shoulder, but I shrugged her off.
"Don't worry, don't worry, I won't be offensive," I promised her offhandedly as I waved my hand at Cobra. "Now, King Cobra—love the name, by the way—I've been on this crew for… what, three months? No, less than two, that's for sure. But anyways, the fact is, this?" I rolled my finger, indicating the sheer chaos around us. "It's messy, sure, and I sincerely apologize for that, but it's nowhere near our worst yet," I emphasized my point by taking a bite out of whatever it was I'd grabbed.
"No, Cross, don't—!"
"See," I mumbled around the stuff I was chewing. Damn good taste, excellent texture too. "As it is, the overall sanity of the room supercedes the madness we're generating." I swallowed and grinned cheekily. "And—!"
Gurgrlrrroooowl...
I froze as my stomach suddenly started churning and groaning like a ship in a hurricane.
"I tried to warn you," Nami groaned, thumping her head against the table.
I slowly brought my hand up before my face, confirming my suspicions. Biscuit…
I turned my horrified gaze back to the confused ruler. "And…" I went on slowly. "I do believe that I just broke even. If you'll excuse me?"
GROOWOWWRRRGH!
"I-NEED-TO-USE-THE-BATHROO-OO-OOM!"
---
"Will you dumbasses stop laughing already!?" I demanded indignantly. "It's not funny!"
"Oh, I beg to differ!" Chaka chortled as he washed himself down. "Setting a land speed record for exiting the royal dining hall? That's extremely funny! I don't think the guards have ever laughed so hard in the entire time I've known them!"
"Go choke on a doggy bone!" I snarled at the guardian before sneering as a thought hit me. "Or better yet, choke on your bone. Doesn't your kind like licking itself down there?"
"HA!" Pell snorted as Chaka twitched furiously and shot a glare at his friend.
"Like you haven't preened yourself at least twice a day since we ate these damn things!?" he shot back, "even when you're not feathered!?" That killed Pell's laughter in a hurry.
"While we're flinging stones abai—ahem, mah-mah-MAH!" Igaram recited as he cleared his throat. "While we're flinging stones against Zoans, might I comment that I've noticed a net increase in cases of lice and fleas since your 'initial transformations'?"
Both Chaka and Pell sank into the waters of the baths with groans of embarrassment while Cobra roared with laughter.
Immediately after dinner and my, ergh, 'embarrassing debacle', we had moved on to entering the Palace's incredibly impressive baths. I'd been a bit… hesitant, at first, on account of my Western sensibilities, but in the end I managed to stomach my pride and get in anyway. At least the water was pleasant; that was a plus. Thankfully, Lassoo needed washing, so I didn't need to look up without reason.
I did, however, glance up when Sanji asked a very specific question, to which Cobra gave an honest answer.
I raised my eyebrow at the king in disbelief as most of the other guys started to scale the wall. "Seriously? Just like that? Your daughter is over that wall."
"Indeed, your highness! What are you thinking!?" Igaram pleaded desperately.
Cobra gave the Captain of his guard a flat look. "I'm thinking that I have been a single man for nearly two decades and that there is a rather attractive red-headed young lady on the other side of this wall."
Igaram froze as he processed that statement before swallowing heavily and following his king. "G-good point, sire. In fact, I-I shall accompany you. S-so as to ensure that you don't fall, o-of course."
"C'mon, Cross!" Luffy chimed in from where he was starting to climb up the dividing wall. "When you're in a bath like this, it's either to swim or peep, right?"
"IT'S NEITHER! AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'VE EVER BEEN IN A BATH LIKE THIS BEFORE? MY CULTURE HAS DIFFERENT SENSIBILITIES ABOUT PRIVACY!" I roared indignantly.
"And yet, you're givin' me a bath buck-naked," Lassoo noted before giving himself a hard shake, tossing off the suds I'd managed to lather up on him.
I spat and hacked as I got the suds out of my face before glaring at him. "Yeah, well, when in Rome… Mariejois, Alabasta, wherever. The point is, the name of the game is adapting to the local culture. Now do me a favour and stop moving, will you!?"
While I wrestled with the dog, most everyone else climbed the dividing wall. Upon reaching the top, they stared over the edge for a few moments until…
"HAPPINESS PUNCH!"
SPLURT!
They fell back in a cascade of nasal blood, splashing into the water.
I observed them flatly for a moment before raising my voice so that I could be heard on the other side. "Either you're sporting something really impressive there, Nami, or these guys are pathetic!"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING PATHETIC, CROSS!?" Sanji roared as he splashed to his feet.
"You, swirly brow," Zoro rolled his eyes with a scoff, thankfully diverting the cook's attention from me as the two got into a… well, not a brawl, the current conditions didn't allow for that, but a controlled duel at least.
"Why don't you come on up and find out, Cross?" Nami called over in a half-sultry, half-faux-saccharine voice.
"Three reasons, Nami!" I shouted back with a roll of my eyes. "Primo, one hundred thousand? Waaaay too rich for my blood."
"But I'm wo~rth i~t!"
"Oh, I doubt that!" Zoro scoffed.
"HEYO!" Soundbite cackled.
"SCREW YOU TWO!"
"Secundo!" I continued nonetheless. "One of the most important rules in the man code: don't stick it in crazy!"
"EXCUSE ME!?"
"That look you get in your eyes at the thought of a payday is nowhere near sane! You need help, woman!"
"HA! You're saying you're sane!?"
"Fu-u-uck no," I scoffed. "We're all cracked in the head, I'm just sane enough to admit it!"
"Tsk…"
"And tertio—!"
"What language is that?" Soundbite inquired.
"I dunno, Italian? I'm mostly just making it up as I go along," I shrugged. "Anyways, tertio: another, even more important rule in the man code."
"What, only if the carpets match the drapes?" Nami asked, her voice distinctly peeved by this point.
"Close," I countered with a scoff. "Don't stick it in friends."
That got a stunned silence.
"I—wait, what?" Nami stammered, obviously caught flat-footed.
"You heard me!" I reiterated. "I've got too much respect for you, too much emotional investment. I'm not willing to risk it all on something as monumentally stupid as peeking on you, or anything else like it, for that matter. Is that enough of a reason for you?"
Silence reigned for a few moments; most of the guys on this side were looking at me in surprise, Sanji was nodding approvingly, and Zoro was giving me a look of what I presumed and hoped was respect.
Finally, Nami spoke up again. "I… Cross, that is… really a remarkable attitude. Do… do you think you could come up on the wall for a moment?"
"I won't pay for entrapment, woman!" I called up in exasperation.
"JUST GET THE HELL UP THERE, WILL YOU!?"
I winced and dug my finger in my ear. "Alright, alright, geeze! Damn banshee, swear I'm gonna get tinnitus…" I got up and made my way to the wall, eyeing it warily before starting to climb. "If I fall and break my neck, I swear that I'm suing your ass for every Beri you're worth!"
"I'll testify, I'll testify!" Soundbite eagerly chimed in.
Finally, I reached the top of the partition and looked over. "Alright, I'm here, what do you—?"
"HAPPINESS CONSOLATION PRIZE!"
FWISH!
"NAMI!?" Vivi screamed in embarrassment.
My eyes snapped wide in shock as I took in the sight before me, my mind stalling as it tried to come up with a valid response.
"HUBBAH HUBBAH!" Soundbite hooted at the top of his lungs.
That jolted my mouth to say the first thing that came to mind. "Soooo… Vivi… is that natural or are you really dedicated to the dye, or—?"
"JACKASS!"
KLUNK!
"GAGH!" I yelped, clutching my head in pain as a stool cracked off my forehead. Only too late did I realize that I'd been doing it with both hands. "Oh shitshitshit—!"
SPLASH!
"…owie… medic?"