"Alright, Soundbite," I stated as I lowered a pair of goggles over my eyes. "Are you ready to go?"
The gastropod gave me a flat look as he shifted around on the slab of meat he was sitting on. "YEAH YEAH, I'm ready. But are the GOGGLES REALLY necessary?"
"With any luck, no…" I shook my head as I positioned myself behind the Merry's mast. "But am I lucky enough to not need them?"
"No, you are most definitely not," Sanji said, shaking his head in agreement as he joined me, positioning his own goggles.
"And why is swirly-BROW HERE?"
"Because it's bad enough that you two are using perfectly good food to test an attack." The cook glared at me for a moment, prompting me to fling up my hands in surrender before he directed his attention back at Soundbite. "There's no way in hell that I'm going to let you do this unsupervised. So, either I watch you do it, or you don't do it at all."
"Tsk. Fiiiiine…"
"Alright, then…" I leaned around the mast to watch Soundbite, an action that Sanji mirrored. "Okay, Soundbite… Gastro-Blast, as hard as you can!"
Soundbite's grin became absolutely vicious as he held himself up high. "BOOM-BOOM-CLAP!"
SPLAT!
I flinched behind the mast as the attack performed exactly as expected.
A little bit beyond 'as expected,' actually, as the puréed meat that had covered my face and most of the deck attested to.
I blew out the breath I'd been holding, shifted the goggles to my forehead and glanced at Sanji, who didn't look so much angry as downright stunned by what had just happened. "Still think I'm nuts for wearing these things?"
"Alright, so you WERE RIGHT!"
I blinked in surprise at the fact that the direction of Soundbite's voice had changed and promptly looked towards where it was originating from.
"NOW GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!" he yowled from where he was clutching to our flag for dear life.
I blinked up at him in shock. "Riiiight…" I looked back at Sanji with a sheepish grin. "Provided you're not too mad at us, think you could get Soundbite down from there? I don't think I could climb the mast fast enough to get him before he loses his grip."
"Mad?" Sanji breathed before grinning. "Mad?! Why would I be mad? Look at this!"
I flinched back as Sanji shoved a piece of meat that had been thrown at him under my nose. "Uh, great?" I said shakily. "Listen, could you maybe get Soundbite before explaining what's got you so happy? Because while snails might have great grips, there are still limits, and the sea is made of saltwater, sooo…?"
Sanji frowned momentarily before jumping the full distance to the crow's nest, casually plucking Soundbite off the flag, and jumping back down. I blinked as the chef handed the gastropod over to me.
"Ooookay," I said as I slowly placed the twitchy snail back on my shoulder. "You were saying?"
The grin was back full force as Sanji brought up the chunk of meat. "Alright, take a good look at this. Notice anything?"
I squinted at the meat, which looked like… well, meat. "I'm not seeing anything special besides the fact that that looks like a clump of mashed potatoes, Sanji," I replied.
"Well, this is what I get for signing up for a pirate crew," Sanji sighed. "Okay, first of all, Soundbite flash-cooked the meat. This—" He held up the brown lump again. "Is edible. I'd need to wash it, but it's edible. You could eat it right now. And second—"
Sanji pressed his fingers together, the meat shifting like chewing gum. "It's tender. Really tender. I'm sure you've heard the phrase 'melt in your mouth' applied to meat, but with a little refinement, you could probably produce meat that actually melts in your mouth. Do you have any idea the culinary possibilities this opens up? This could be the greatest discovery in cuisine since… since canning!"
"And all at the low-low cost of an attack that no human could possibly survive and that Miss Friday was really lucky to walk away from," I deadpanned. "I hope you really like working with hyper-puréed ingredients, Sanji, because until we reach dry land and find some rocks or trees for Soundbite to practice on, a lot of ingredients are going to be very drinkable."
The chef paused as he contemplated that statement, looking at the meat that coated us in a whole new light. "I… you might have a point."
"Oh, I don't know…"
The three of us glanced up at the top level of the Merry, where Robin was leaning on the railing next to Nami's orchard.
"I can certainly see the appeal of an attack as lethal as that one. Although…" She swiped a stray puddle of liquified meat off her shoulder and pinched it between her thumb and forefinger. "I suppose it could do to make less of a mess…"
"Not all of us are balls-DEEP IN Neutral Evil, bitch," Soundbite grumbled beneath his breath.
"Excuse me?"
I slapped Soundbite upside his shell before raising my voice. "Some of us prefer to opt for painful but non-lethal when we have the option available to us. I know that not killing isn't going to be an option forever, but that sure the hell doesn't mean that I'm not going to try and stay nonlethal for as long as I can. And besides…" I snapped out my baton and waved it tellingly. "As I'm sure the cracks in Mr. 13's skull will tell you, nonlethal does not necessarily mean soft, capiche?"
Robin chuckled lightly in response before holding her shirt out from her chest. "Well, on another topic, I feel I must ask: if messes like this are any indication, I'm going to need some new clothes the next time we reach a populated island. Might I know what the ship's policy is on our wardrobes?" she posed politely.
STOMP!
All attention turned towards the doorway to the ship's cannon room, where Nami was leaning inside the frame of the door like a legitimate badass.
"Just how stupid do you think we are?" the navigator demanded coldly, glancing up at our new archaeologist out of the corner of her eye. "You might have managed to fool Luffy, not that that's exactly hard, and I'm sure that Cross has some reason that he's so cryptic around you, but me?" She jabbed a thumb at her chest with a dry chuckle. "I'm smart. I remember who you are. I remember that you were Crocodile's partner, and I remember what you did to Vivi and her country. You can play innocent and pretend to be our friend for as long as you want, but the second you slip up, the moment you show your true colours…" In a flash, she had her Clima-Tact assembled and pointing at Robin; the accompanying glare was arguably even more threatening than the electricity crackling over the tip. "I swear that I will beat you senseless, and you won't see me coming, even if you have eyes on every square inch of the Merry. Understood?"
Soundbite let out a low whistle. "Daaaaaaamn, GURL!"
I glanced up at Robin and sighed at the way she was smiling before holding up my fingers. "And in three, two, one…"
"Oh, yes, perfectly understood. By the way… this is a bit of a non-sequitur, but I thought you should know that I managed to… liberate some of Crocodile's treasure as I left Alabasta. Would you care for some jewels?"
I had to actively fight not to be bowled over by the air current that formed from Nami rushing past me as she ran to glomp onto Robin. "I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER, BIG SIS!" she cried enthusiastically, her berry-shaped eyes shining just as much as she was drooling.
"NAMI!"
Nami snapped out of her wealth-lust in an instant as Vivi's voice cracked over her like a whip, her expression much like that of a child whose hand had gotten caught in a cookie jar as she faltered under the glare the princess was pinning her with from the forecastle.
"C-C'mon, Vivi!" she pleaded as she waved her arms energetically. "Th-This isn't what it looks like!"
"Even though it really is," Robin smoothly replied.
"N-n-no, it isn't! I'm ah, I'm…" Nami sputtered as she looked for a solution before her eyes alighted on the bag in Robin's hand, which she swiftly snatched up and displayed prominently. "See!? I'm stealing from her! I stole this! I-It was all just a ruse to get close to her! Cat Thief Nami strikes once again! Hahaha—!"
"Actually…"
Nami froze mid-hamtastic-laugh as Robin's cool voice swept over her. "Those jewels were always intended for you, so really, all you're doing is taking my gift a little early."
"STOP HELPING ME!" Nami howled as she shook Robin's collar furiously, not even fazing the woman.
"OH, LADIES, PLEASE STOP FIGHTING! MY HEART CANNOT—!" Sanji cried, spinning over to where Nami was attempting to throttle Robin… and unfortunately putting himself in range of Nami's wrath.
"THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO, LOVERBOY!" she raged, laying him out flat with a single punch before returning her attention to Robin.
I felt a sweatdrop hang off my skull before I glanced up at Vivi with a reassuring smile. "Look… Nami might have had a moment of weakness, but that's just how she is. You know that this won't change the fact that she'll always be on your side, right?"
My question was met with a cold stare and silence.
"R-right?"
Vivi turned away, giving me no answer as she refocused her attention on Usopp, whom she and Carue had been discussing matters of weaponry with throughout our little… experiment. "Sorry about that. So, you were saying?"
"Uh… riiight… How about this, then?" Usopp asked, holding up a sketch. Vivi took it and looked it over before nodding thoughtfully.
"Hmm… it seems heavier than I'm used to, but then again, I suppose that maybe I shouldn't be going subtle anymore. I think I can work with that."
"And whad aboud me?" Carue squawked.
I heard the sound of a page turning, and I barely registered Carue squawking again, either in excitement or disbelief, I couldn't tell which.
I kept my forlorn gaze on the forecastle for a moment before looking at Soundbite, who was himself sporting an uncomfortable grimace. "I need to fix this…"
---
"YOYOI!" yelled a ridiculously tall man with an equally ridiculous head of pink hair. "And I thought that ooouuur training was the only series of exercises so very seveeere!"
"For once, I agree with you," Jabra said, staring at the snail with an expression that was half-disgusted, half-impressed. "He may be a pirate, but if we ever end up fighting, I think he'll be able to put up a decent fight."
"But you shouldn't believe everything you hear, chapapa!" Fukuro said sagely.
"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK! YOU'RE ENIES LOBBY'S GO-TO FOR GOSSIP!" the wolf-man howled, clawing for the zipper to his mouthy compatriot's mouth.
"So, yeah, if any of you want to become anything along the lines of the world's greatest swordsman? Remember this: that workout that you just heard Zoro put me through, one of many I've gone through since entering the Grand Line, just to get me to the point where I'll have a snowball's chance in Hell of standing up to him in a fair fight? He could do it with an elephant on his back, chugging a jug of sake that could melt Whitebeard's liver—you heard me, old man, I'm not taking it back!—while holding his sword in his teeth and with hot coals tied to his feet."
"AND HE'S being generous!"
"Huh. That actually sounds like a nice challenge, Cross; any idea where I can get an elephant?"
"Here, chapapa," Fukuro said, glancing at the animated sword that was currently eating fruit with its trunk.
"WILL YOU CRAM IT ALREADY!?"
"… Yeah, no. I'm just going to walk away and spare whatever dregs of my sanity are left… though really, that's just draining away, day by—oh, there's our new crewmate, let's see if she has anything to say! Hey, R—Mmph!"
"Huh?" Jabra blinked in confusion as the line went silent for a moment. With his acute hearing, he heard the sound of a pen moving on paper before the paper rustled.
"YOYOI! Perhaps some tragic misfortune has befallen our beloved commentator! Oh woe, oh tragedy—!" Kumadori started to lament.
"You realize that seeing how he's a pirate and we work for the World Government, we're mortal enemies with your 'beloved commentator,' right?" Jabra reminded him dryly.
"INDEED! And such is the core of my misery! For though our lives deem us irreconcilable foes, my heart goes out to him yet for the showmanship he provides!"
The kabuki incarnate dropped to his knees, a large knife in his hand.
"As atonement for this unforgivable fallacy of Justice, I shall open my stomach! Iron Body." The last words were droned out of habit as he plunged the blade into his stomach… and shattered it.
Jabra slapped a palm to his face, forcing himself to ignore his first instinct to gut his teammate himself, and instead focused on the question that came to mind. "Where the hell do you keep getting those swords anyway? I thought Spandam ordered the guys in the armoury to cut you off!"
"They did. He's been stealing them from your collection," Fukuro provided out of the corner of his mouth.
"I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE, YOYOI!"
Well, so much for ignoring that instinct.
"Okay, that's it," Jabra growled, fur sprouting all over his body as he put on several tons of pure muscle. "Everyone dies."
Thankfully for the two now-panicking assassins, they were saved by the broadcast promptly resuming. "Sorry about that, everyone, just had a… difference of opinion to sort out," Cross apologized in a slightly put-off tone of voice. Jabra got the distinct impression that the line had been delivered through gritted teeth.
"Would it help if I said I had stage fright?" someone answered in a teasing tone. The voice was unique to say the least, both a male voice and a female voice speaking at once, producing an odd reverb effect.
"It would if I actually believed you for a second…" Cross grumbled before sighing heavily. "Anyways… This is our newest crewmate, XXX. If you're wondering about the static just now, as well as—huh? Seriously? Ergh, you're killing my freedom of the press here!—as well as their name being edited out, that was on account of XXX requesting that Soundbite censor out everything pertaining to their identity, on account of them being a somewhat infamous figure and really valuing their privacy. Needless to say, we won't be getting much out of them for this broadcast."
"My deepest apologies," the mystery figure replied in a tone of voice that plainly said he or she was both not sorry at all and more amused than anything.
"For the record, you do realize that a few words from you could blow the minds of people the world over, right? Not to mention the fact that I highly doubt we could be any more wanted if we tried," Cross pointed out.
Silence came from the other end for a few moments.
"Perhaps at a later date…" came the voice. "But I feel I should warn you, Cross: the more you try and set the world on fire, the less ground you'll have to stand on."
"We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it," an old, weathered voice responded.
"Soundbite's got a point," Cross chuckled. "The world's been burning for a long time now. All I'm trying to do is to get it to burn my way."
The mystery crewmate was silent for a second before chuckling lightly. "You're a very strange individual, Cross."
"THANK YOU, Captain OBVIOUS!"
"Gonna have to side with the snail there, XXX!"
"Me too, chapapa," Fukuro said.
The wolf-man snarled as he reverted back to human form, looking to be fighting off the beginnings of a migraine as he walked towards the door.
"Alright, I'm getting out of here before you two actually make me kill you. Besides, it's almost time for something I've been waiting for for a while now: a date."
"Puru puru puru puru!"
"OF ALL THE TIMES!" Jabra snapped, storming back over to the snail and picking up the speaker. "WHAT!?"
"That's sexual harassment."
Jabra was dumbstruck for a few seconds. Then…
"AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DEEP-COVER OPERATION!?"
"It had to be said. KA-LICK."
"RAAAAAAGH!"
"YOYOI! Here he goes again!"
"Would now be a bad time to tell him that his date reconsidered last night and is going to stand him up?"
And so, Spandam's next mission for the three assassins faced a delay of three weeks while the two weaker individuals were in the medical wing and their superior attended several severe (and ultimately futile) anger management classes.
---
I furtively paced back and forth on the Merry's upper deck, waiting with bated breath and thoroughly wrung hands. I really hoped that this worked; the next few years were going to redefine the word 'awkward'.
Thankfully, my concerns were marginally alleviated by the door to the kitchen opening up and Nami walking out, nodding at me in confirmation. "She's as ready to talk as she'll ever be."
I sighed in relief and nodded gratefully as I made for the door. "Thanks, Nami. Well, wish me luck."
However, before I could enter the kitchen, she caught my arm. "Are you really sure that you want to do this?" she asked in concern.
I grimaced in response before shaking her off. "She's my friend. Do I have any other choice?"
Nami didn't have any response to that and stepped back, letting me enter the kitchen. Vivi was sitting at the dining table, staring at the other seat and not giving any acknowledgment that I had entered the room.
For the longest time, I just… stood there, a heavy silence filling the air like molten lead. Not even Soundbite dared to break it, choosing instead to keep his jaws tightly shut.
Finally, Vivi broke the silence with a heavy sigh. "Alright, look—"
"I'm sorry, okay?!" I burst out, unable to take it anymore.
The princess blinked in surprise, taken aback by my outcry. "Cross—"
"Vivi, I am so, so, so sorry for everything that's happened to you, for everything that I've done…" I dragged my hands down my face with a groan. "God, I don't think I can possibly apologize enough for all of this. Vivi, I have done so much wrong by you, and you have every right to hate me for as long as I live, but your friendship is… one of the most important things in my life, and I can't bear the thought of you hating me. And… and I realize that I'm never going to be able to truly make things up to you and that I am the last person who should be asking you this, but I am begging you—" I fell on my knees at this point and clasped my hands together. "Literally begging, for you to forgive me at this point. So, please… can you find it in your heart to do so?"
Vivi stared at me wordlessly for a moment before dropping her eyelids to an unimpressed half-mast. "Well, that was overly dramatic," she droned.
I blinked in confusion as I processed that statement. "Eh?"
Vivi sighed in exasperation as she ran a hand through her hair. "I don't hate you, Cross. As a matter of fact, I forgave you when I broke your nose. That punch contained the main bulk of my grievances with you."
"…Eh!?" I parroted with twice as much incredulity.
"Yeeeaaah…" The princess scratched the back of her head uncomfortably. "The silence and cold shoulder have primarily been me giving you a hard time. Though in retrospect I suppose that I might have gone a bit far with it, I'll admit."
"You all but said that you wanted me to drop dead!" I squawked indignantly.
"In case you haven't noticed, Zoro and Sanji actively try to kill each other every other hour on the hour," Vivi pointed out.
I held my finger up and opened my mouth to respond, before slowly dropping my finger with a grumble. "You… make a good point…" I admitted uncomfortably before trying to rally. "But… I mean, Alabasta… from one war to another, you really don't—?"
"Alright, first," Vivi interrupted me. "That is infinitely more the World Nobles' fault than it is yours, and second? Well…" She pondered for a minute before continuing. "The war we ended was them fighting and killing one another over a misunderstanding. But now… now they're fighting together, united, and as much as I don't like it, I can't deny that they're actually fighting for a good cause this time. So…" she smiled lightly. "While it's not perfect, at least the blow is somewhat softened."
I slowly nodded, but hesitated at the other point of contention in my mind. "And… about Nico Robin—?"
Aaaand cue the ambient temperature dropping several dozen degrees. "I don't like that she's here, and I still don't trust her." She looked me straight in the eye, her face stony again, not angrily but accusingly. "But I do still trust you, and I know you wouldn't let her onboard without a good reason." She crossed her arms with a huff. "A reason that I very much want to hear."
I barely hesitated before plastering a smile on my face and nodding frantically. "I can do that! I can totally do that!" I hesitated and glanced around nervously. "Er… Not now, mind you, not while the phrase 'the walls have ears' could be taken literally, but as soon as we get to the next island? Totally! I was going to tell Zoro and Nami anyway."
"Suck-UP," Soundbite stage-whispered.
"Kiss my ass," I retorted under my breath.
"Hmm… alright, then…" Vivi tapped her chin thoughtfully before starting to pop up a finger. "Well, while we're on speaking terms here, I'd like to be included in any more of those meetings that you have with them. Not all of them, necessarily, but the important ones so that I'm not surprised like I was with Yuba and Nico Robin."
"Of course, that's fine by me! The more the merrier! Four heads—!"
CHOMP!
"ACK!" I yelped in agony. "F-FIVE! Five heads are better than four!"
"Better."
Vivi contemplated things a moment longer before giving me a vulpine grin. "Aaaaand you'll be taking over the female half of the bathroom-sanitation rotation until we reach our final destination."
"That's completely fine!" I nodded eagerly, shooting her a pair of thumbs up before pointing towards the door. "I-in fact, I'll go and get started on that right now! See you at dinner?"
"Mm-hmm," Vivi hummed in agreement. "We can even go over some designs Usopp had for improving my arsenal."
"Perfect! See you then!" And with that, I rushed out of the kitchen, intent on beelining straight for the Merry's bathroom, before pausing as I caught sight of Nami holding herself up against a wall, doubled over with laughter.
"What? What's so funny?" I asked in confusion—and then the moment of comprehension hit me like a ton of bricks as I finished going over the tail end of the conversation.
"… Wait, what just happened?" I asked nobody in particular.
That just made Nami laugh even harder.
---
In one of the three islands where the Marines centred their power, one of the few warriors remaining from the era of Gol D. Roger sat in his office, eyeing his Transponder Snail with a contemplative frown.
"… And after that, just keep the bandages on tight for about a day or so, and the wound should heal up nicely. Depending on the severity of the injury, there could be some residual scarring, but in my experience, most patients see that as more of a pro than a con," said a young-sounding voice.
"Heh! Now, isn't that the truth!" Cross chuckled in agreement. "Take a look at this bad boy." There was a slight rustling of cloth. "And tell me that this doesn't look badass to you!"
"THE EXPERIENCE was less THAN PLEASANT, though."
"Yeah, well, of course, that goes without saying."
"If this is any indication of what an average broadcast will be like," an elderly voice cut in as its owner entered the office. "Then I think that you and the rest of the upper brass are making a big fuss about nothing."
Sengoku grunted in acknowledgment, never moving his attention from the snail before him. "Tsuru."
"Sengoku, Gruffy," the aged vice-admiral nodded back, receiving a bleat of greeting from the goat munching on papers in the corner of the room before seating herself across from her old friend. "So, you really think this rookie could be anything but a threat? After all, he's neither the D. of the crew—" Tsuru's lips quirked slightly as Sengoku visibly twitched at the mention of the accursed letter. "Nor its captain. Don't you think you might be overreacting a little?"
Sengoku grumbled darkly as he continued to glare at the snail on his desk. "We outlawed the Transceivers for a reason, and his initial broadcast showed that it was a good reason. Innocuous though this broadcast may seem to be now, it's too dangerous to be allowed to exist; at best, we have a group of role models for other pirates. At worst, we have a budding threat comparable to Dragon himself."
Tsuru let out a disbelieving scoff. "I don't know how he came across the transceiver, but do you really think that one boy with a big mouth can do as much damage as the Revolutionary Army?"
"Well, this has been Chopper's Medical Discussions. Now, for the last part of today's broadcast, how about some one-on-one time with your host? I've saved the best for last, though let me first remind you, viewers: we created the SBS to be able to tell our side of the story. And that goes beyond just telling you about the bright side of things. So tonight, I bring you an insider's look at the part of the World Government that concerns me and mine directly: the justice system. While a lot of pirates in the world would be better off in prison… I think that the World Government goes too far with their treatment of them. Some of you may agree with me, some of you may not, but make your choice after I inform you of the hell that is the World Government's choice of internment facilities. I speak, of course, of the great underwater gaol, Impel Down."
"There's your answer, Tsuru," Sengoku grunted.
"Psh, you're overreacting," the vice admiral scoffed dismissively. "So the boy will share some half-baked theories about what goes on in Impel Down; there are a million of those floating around! A few more won't be a problem."
"Fair warning, viewers: remember when I said that this broadcast isn't for the faint of heart? This is what I meant. Any of you who are easily squeamish may want to leave now… Gone? Good. Now then, let's start at the very top of this horror show. I speak of Level 1 of 5… The Crimson Hell."
You could have heard a pin drop in the Fleet Admiral's office; it was so silent… well, apart from the goat's oblivious chewing, of course.
"You hear that? That sound was a million and one Marine officers around the world simultaneously voiding their bowels. Surprise, you sons of bitches: I'm not bluffing."
"HOW YOU like us NOW, HUH!?"
"You were saying about us not having a problem?" Sengoku dryly asked his old friend, his desk starting to crack beneath his grip.
Tsuru was actively gnawing her lip now as she eyed the grinning Transponder Snail in concern. "Alright…" she started slowly, visibly rethinking several opinions. "So it would appear he's more well-informed than we had suspected. I imagine that this broadcast will cost us some public opinion and cause some outrage, but with any luck, we can still run damage control…"
"Now, where was I… Oh, wait! Before we resume our little documentary on the penal system—"
"Heheheh, you said 'penal'."
"Oh, real mature."
"I AM literally ONE and a twelfth."
"… point. As I was saying, before we resume our documentary, I felt it only appropriate that we offer a tip of the hat and a flip of the bird to the primary wardens of the Government's illustrious negative-five-star human roach motel. Domino, Saldeath, Hannyabal, Sadi, all of you sadistic fuckers take a bow! But, of course, let's not forget the king of this shitshow, the good Warden Magellan! Without this fine, upstanding bastard's inventive applications of the Venom-Venom Fruit—again, that is the Venom-Venom Fruit, which allows the user to produce a myriad of poisons and toxins from their body—I imagine that countless individuals would have suffered much less painful and much less agonizing demises. Let's give the demons of the World Government's man-made hell a hand, folks, a big, big, big hand!"
"…I'll stop talking now," a thoroughly chastised and very pale Tsuru whispered, sweating despite the fact that she wasn't the target of Sengoku's glare.
"Go and get me every Transponder Snail on base, and start calling every. Single. Base in Paradise that lies beyond Alabasta," Sengoku growled out viciously, the woodwork of his office starting to crack beneath the sheer aura of his presence. "I might not approve of Akainu's style, and I am certainly nowhere near the point where I am prepared to let him off his leash, but so help me, at this moment I want it made known that I want this bastard's tongue on a silver platter, am I understood?"
Tsuru nodded hastily, not trusting herself to speak.
"GO."
As she put every fibre of her being into obeying the order, the Vice-Admiral was very grateful that a thorough knowledge of the Six Powers was a prerequisite for joining the upper echelons of the Marines' hierarchy.
Sengoku took a moment to take several deep breaths and compose himself, and he was halfway through mentally composing an apology for his old ally when his mood was soured anew by the familiar tremors shaking his office.
"STOP LAUGHING, GARP!" the Fleet Admiral roared as he stamped his foot on the floor, an action that only made the tremors intensify.
---
"Well, that's all for this broadcast, but stay tuned for more craziness and more things that the World Government would rather castrate themselves than tell you. Until then, this is Jeremiah Cross—"
"And SOUNDBITE!"
"—of the SBS, signing off."
I replaced the speaker with a satisfied smile; the day had been very productive so far. Portraying our crew in a good light, spreading more chaos for the Marines, and making peace with Vivi, no matter how badly I got suckered? I simply couldn't picture how the day could get better! I turned to head for the kitchen—
"Puru puru puru puru!—HUH?"
When I was reminded of how Fate responded to temptation by the soundbite beginning to ring. I blinked in surprise as I processed the turn of events, and then my mind caught up to me.
I hastily brought my fingers to my lips and let out a sharp whistle. "Nami, Zoro! Staff meeting!" I belted out as I headed towards the storage room, the two following behind me.
"What is it, Cross?" Zoro asked gruffly.
"I'M—Puru puru puru puru!—getting a CALL!" Soundbite answered.
"And there's only one person who knows his number," I said as I shut the door.
Or at least, as I tried to shut the door, on account of my progress being impeded by a foot getting in the way. I looked around the frame and was met with a thoroughly nonplussed royal.
"Ahem?" Vivi coughed, tapping her other foot on the deck.
I weighed my options for a moment before grimacing and stepping back, allowing her inside. "Yeah, yeah, a deal's a deal. But pleeeease promise me that you won't blab anything we need to keep secret to anyone who shouldn't know it?"
I was gratified by the sight of Vivi's dignified strut being broken by her stumbling and nearly face-planting before she wheeled around to glare at me with a furious blush. "T-that was one time!"
"YOU DRAGGED us into—Puru puru puru puru!—A REBELLION!"
Vivi flinched back slightly before giving me a hesitant grin. "I said I'm sorry?"
"Yeah, because that'll make my shoulder stop burning…" I muttered to myself before picking up the receiver from the transceiver, Soundbite letting out a "KA-LICK!" as I did so, before his expression shifted. I wasn't entirely surprised to see the grimace that he adopted. "Hello, Hard-Ass Marine Hotline, Bobby speaking, how may I direct your call?"
"Cross," an all-too-familiar and gruff voice responded.
"Ah, Commodore Smoker! I assume you'll be calling for the two-for-one special we're offering on cigars… and soldiers' remorse?"
Silence for a few seconds.
"…I'm not even going to bother asking where the hell you got that transceiver, but do you have any idea how much hell this stunt of yours is going to raise?" he said, his tone remaining colourless.
"HA!" I barked sardonically, even going so far as to slap my knee. "Who says you don't have a sense of humour, Smoker, because that was hilarious! Or at least, it was a major coincidence, because you know what my thought process was when I came up with the idea? I was well past giving a damn about what the World Government did. What say you, Vivi?" I handed the mic over to the princess, who accepted it with a stormy expression of her own.
"I was a bit emotional at the time, so I wasn't exactly thinking straight, but I think that my thought process was somewhere along the lines of 'fuck every last one of the bastards who banished me from my home, hard.''" Vivi concurred harshly.
Soundbite's expression twitched viciously, but before he could say anything, his demeanour shifted into a much more hesitant mood bracket. "I don't suppose we can continue this conversation in a more… private setting, Cross? We're calling you to discuss very private, very delicate matters."
"This is private, Ensign. The only ones listening besides me are the first, second, and third mates of the crew… and Soundbite, of course, but there's no easy way of dealing with that particular parasite," Vivi replied.
"SCREW YOU too, VIVI."
Soundbite's expression remained hesitant for a moment longer before twisting back into a hard-assed sneer. "Relax, Tashigi, we knew this wouldn't be a formal affair going in. Besides, it's not like we're alone on our end, either."
That drew a look of surprise from all of us.
"Come again?" I asked in confusion.
And just like that, Soundbite's expression shifted. Not that much, all things considered. He still looked like he had a pole shoved up his ass, but it was… softened, if that makes sense. Like his hard-assness was somehow subdued.
"Hina is… surprised…" he eventually stated in a female voice. "Even after listening to that broadcast, I didn't think that pirates like those on your crew actually existed, much less that I'd ever actually interact with anyone like you."
I blinked in confusion as I processed this development before grinning impishly. "Captain Hina! Wonderful to hear from you again. How are your men?"
Ah, there was the scowl of feminine fury I was becoming so familiar with. "Beaten, bruised and wet from being thrown off their ships."
"Kung-Fu Fleet, called it!" I cackled ecstatically. "Alright, pay up, who owes—ACK!"
"Hurry up and start talking, Smoker," Zoro growled as he placed Kitetsu back at his side from where he'd slapped it into my neck. "Before Cross gets his voice back."
"Screw… you…" I wheezed.
Soundbite flashed an irritated expression that I can only imagine was Tashigi's before re-adopting Smoker's grim smirk. "At least one of you is capable of taking things seriously."
The smirk faded the next second as he spoke again.
"I have to admit that I'm impressed, Cross. I never thought that any pirate would actually be able to shake my faith in the Marines, but you managed it."
I promptly sobered up as I massaged my throat. "In my defence, I didn't do jack, Smoker. All I did was draw attention to an ugly truth you would have become aware of either way."
"Then I suppose I should thank you for showing it to me sooner rather than later."
I blinked in shock as I processed that statement before digging my finger in my ear canal. "Excuse me? I'm sorry, I appear to have an ear infection. Did you just thank me?"
Smoker snorted dispassionately. "Don't count on it happening again anytime soon, Cross. But seriously. I'm calling you because you showed me what the system I work for is really like. Because I saw the truth of the world, and… frankly, I'm disgusted by it."
"We're disgusted by it," Hina clarified. "All of us, Hina's and Smoker's soldiers included."
"And you're telling us this because…?" Nami trailed off questioningly.
"We're telling you because we intend to do something about it," Tashigi explained. "And we want you to help us with the endeavour."
I practically felt my blood freeze in my veins. "Okay…" I whispered slowly. "Now I know that I have an ear infection, because there's no way in hell that I can believe the fact that I just heard a tight-laced Marine like you ask for my help in tearing down the World Government."
"We don't want to tear down the—!" Tashigi started to protest before she was cut off.
"Believe it, Cross, because you just heard it," Smoker interrupted.
"Cap-C-Commodore!?" Tashigi sputtered in shock.
"Smoker, what are you—?!"
"Oh, stop kidding yourselves, you two," Smoker barked harshly. "This corruption goes straight to the top, and you both know it. If we want to save any trace of Justice left in this world, then we're going to need to destroy the world from the ground up to salvage it."
The room went dead silent. Everyone's jaws, even Zoro's, hit the floor. Soundbite himself couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.
I slowly glanced back at the swordsman. "Zoro? Hit me again, I must be dreaming; making Alabasta go, Revolutionary is one thing, but someone like Smoker is another thing altogether."
"I am not a Revolutionary!" Smoker snarled. "Those sons of bitches are wanton anarchists, and they drag civilians into the crossfire. Me? I don't give a damn about politics or the bullshit that comes from dealing with it. This is a matter of policy change, pure and simple. Justice needs to be harsh, impartial, and completely unbiased by trivialities like political agendas. And yet, as I've seen in the past twenty-four hours, that's not the case right now."
"So… what are you proposing, then? How do you expect pirates to help you change Marine policy?" Vivi asked incredulously.
"We… we don't," Tashigi reluctantly answered, apparently regaining her mental footing. "We're the ones who vowed to enforce and protect Justice. This… this is our mess, we'll take care of it ourselves."
"Save that the current 'ourselves' to which she's referring is not very substantial," Hina sighed. "As it stands, we have around two or three thousand soldiers whom we trust are directly loyal to us and would support our cause. And while I'm sure that we could probably find more out there who would be willing to join our movement for reform…" Hina's scowl deepened as Soundbite mirrored her chewing on her cigarette. "Hina is afraid that searching them out without being discovered by the very people we oppose would be a nigh impossible task."
"In short, Cross… we want you to be an informant," Smoker summarized.
"Come again?" Nami questioned in disbelief.
"Well, you see, back in Alabasta, Cross mentioned that he knew of the existence of other 'decent Marines' out in the world," Tashigi explained. "I'm assuming that he knows more beyond the ones who he said are dead?"
I fidgeted slightly under the searching gazes everyone shot at me as I racked my brain. "Ah… I… can name a few, yeah…" I hedged hesitantly. "A Captain, some Vice Admirals… Aokiji's a hard maybe on this, the guy is cryptic and could go either way… Heck, best-case scenario, maybe you could swing Kizaru? Though chances are that the bastard could turn right back around on a dime and blast you to dust the moment he got bored… or just if he felt like it, he is really hard to get a read on…" The last bit was grumbled to myself more than anyone.
"Yeah, well, even if your current list is short, with any luck, you'll come across more of them as you keep moving through the Grand Line." Smoker grunted. "We're asking you to keep an eye out for anyone who's a fan of your show, anyone with a reputation of being stubborn against orders… or anyone that your crew manages to leave an impression on. I doubt we'll be the last."
"Understatement…" Nami muttered to herself.
"And… what, I just tell them that there's a group of Marines trying to stage a righteous coup?" I demanded. "I doubt they'll believe me, and even if they did, what about the chance of things being passed up the line until magma starts falling on your heads?"
"That's a risk we're willing to take, Cross," Tashigi stated firmly. "But… still, just in case, we brought another Transponder Snail incognito while we were near Alabasta. If you agree—"
"He just raised the kind of absolute hell that no one since Gold Roger has, and that's just with the first two broadcasts. Do you really think he's going to pass this up?" Smoker scoffed incredulously.
"… Right. Well, anyway, you'd call that snail, and we'd vet whoever you sent to us. It wouldn't be a perfect system, I know, but at least it'd give us somewhere to start."
"Tashigi would be your handler in this situation," Hina clarified. "You'd primarily make contact with her, and she'd act as our go-between." She paused, seeming to choose her words carefully. "Cross, Hina realizes that what we're asking is not an easy task—"
"Save it, I'll do it," I interrupted, looking at my friends one by one and confirming that none of them seemed to have any issues with the arrangement. "Anything to stick it to the bastards who hurt my friend and to make our world just a little bit less of an absolute hellhole. Just one condition: if you get wind of any Marine attacks coming our way, you help us steer clear. It might go against what you stand—"
"The hell it does. As convoluted as it might seem, you pirates are helping us salvage Justice. If you get caught, then the world suffers for it," Smoker interrupted. "You're just lucky that I got pulled off your tail by Marineford. After all, I wouldn't hesitate to hold back."
"Oh, of course not, as if we would ever expect anything else," Nami deadpanned.
"Before I forget, Cross. We've arrested most of Baroque Works by now, but a few agents have slipped through the cracks: the Mr. 5 pair, Mr. 3's partner, and… Nico Robin. Any ideas where they are?"
I frowned and glanced at everyone thoughtfully before looking back at Soundbite. "On the first two, I'm gonna say… let the chips fall where they may, and on the last…" I glanced back at Vivi before continuing. "Suffice to say that I believe she's right where she deserves to be."
"… She's on your ship, isn't she?" Tashigi stated more than asked.
"Hey, hey, I'm not denying she's a bitch," I raised my hands defensively before glancing around for help. A questioning look at Soundbite earned me a so-so gesture, and I decided to risk it. "…I'm just saying that she's got a Freudian excuse six battleships big, got it?"
Tashigi ground her teeth y for a second before breathing out a heavy sigh. "In for one beri, in for them all… Alright, Cross, I'll take your word for it… for now."
"Well, alright, then," I said, nodding and moving to hang up the transponder. "Now then, if that's everything…"
"Uh, one question?" Vivi raised her hand. "Does your… group have a name or…?"
"…damn it."
"Hina told you they'd ask, Smoker."
"If… any of you have any suggestions—?"
"How about MI3?"
Attention snapped to the speaker, all of us staring at them in shock. And why not!? They were the last person we'd expected to speak! I certainly didn't see it coming, that's for sure!
Zoro responded with a unilateral stinkeye. "What? I come up with all my attack names on my own; I can be creative."
"And it would stand for…?" Nami trailed off expectantly.
Zoro shrugged with a grunt. "Marine Integrity 3. After all, they're fighting to reform the Marines and the three of them are leading it, so…"
Soundbite's eye twitched before he spoke in Tashigi's thoroughly peeved voice. "That has got to be the most bone-headed—!"
"It'll do for now. Thanks for the contribution, Pirate Hunter," Smoker cut her off with a dirty grin.
"Wha—!? SIR!"
"Goodbye for now, Cross," the Commodore forged on, ignoring his subordinate's protests. "Here's to the start of a long and hopefully successful venture."
And with a KA-LICK, Soundbite resumed his normal, if bemused, expression.
Silence hung in the air for a few moments until Nami groaned and slapped a hand to her face. "So, Cross…" she ground out. "Any other insanity you'd like to lay out on us?"
"Hey, now," I waved my hands defensively. "This is completely off-script! Trust me, from now until when I say so, you literally cannot blame me for whatever madness comes our way… unless you can trace it to me directly, of course."
Without any warning whatsoever, the Merry suddenly lurched, jerking and nearly throwing us all off our feet.
The air was split by Usopp's very familiar and all-too-feminine shriek.
"AAAAAAH! IT'S THE KRAKEEEEN!"
I blinked in surprise as I processed that statement.
"Huh… that's odd, he's two years early."
Judging by the way Nami shrieked and tried to throttle me, she did not appreciate my commentary.