"Alright, I need to think about what we've got so far. Soundbite is still listening, so just say his name if you need to talk. I'll let you guys know once I've got some kind of plan."
"Take your time, Cross," Chopper ground out as the transmission faded, looking back at the pediatrician, who seemed terrified. "Alright… Dr. Kobato, there's soon going to be a large number of Marines arriving here from the battleships that have docked on base. Many of them are going to need treatment, and fast. I'm going to help you, but as this base's doctor, you need to be able to do the surgeries necessary to save their lives."
Kobato's eyes widened even more. "B-B-But I… I specialize in children's medicine, I'm no good at surgeries! I'm barely able to deliver a shot! I'm sorry, but I don't think I can help, I just can't stand the thought of hurting people."
Chopper folded his arms with a weary sigh. "Kobato, let me tell you a story from the man who was my teacher and father…"
Three minutes later, the nurses and the patients arrived, and a determined Kobato stood alongside Chopper as they began the necessary treatments. She barely acknowledged the fact that he was a pirate as they worked.
And considering the amount of work they had to do, neither of them noticed that in the middle of it all, a specific patient and her pet had managed to wander out of the infirmary.
-o-
"…In other words, you would presume to tell me what real cooking is, right?" Sanji asked the obviously skilled and passionate head chef.
"No, I'm not trying to say anything quite as dramatic as that," Jessica replied coolly. "I just want you and your brother to show that pride you talk so much about. I'll give anyone a chance to prove themselves, no matter how pretentious they might be. However, there will be trouble if I think you lack anything in skill or attitude." The rest of the cooks looked on sourly while Jessica finished her speech. "Let me make this clear: unless you satisfy me, you will never be able to call yourselves cooks in Navarone."
"I see. That sounds like a challenge. But let me ask you this," Sanji continued, blowing out some smoke. "You clearly know the importance of food. But speaking from experience, the head chef's skill isn't the best way to determine how good his or her employees are. So, what do you say to going one-on-one?"
The chefs' indignation at the apparent insult promptly melted in favor of smugness. "Challenging Jessica? He's toast." "Burnt toast." "Thousand Beri says he starts crying in ten minutes." "Two thousand on twenty." The murmurs continued in the same vein until Jessica raised a hand and extinguished them like a candle, though her expression was no less smug.
"It has been a long time since I've had the opportunity to demonstrate why I'm the head chef here," she mused. "So be it. You and I will prepare the same dish. My husband, Commander Jonathan, will determine the winner through a blind taste test."
Sanji's smile froze, and he twitched ever so slightly as he fought to maintain his composure. "A-An excellent idea, milady. So…" Sanji glanced around warily. "Where is he, exactly?"
Jessica's smugness faltered. "…Well, this is a bit awkward. Lunch is meant to be delivered to him in half an hour or so."
"Well, then, in the meantime, how about I show some of my other recipes? After all, I heard from more than one Marine on my way down here that it's just about mealtime. Oh, and—" He grabbed Luffy's head and slammed his face into a convenient griddle before he could successfully reach the plate he'd been leaning towards, pointedly ignoring the sizzling sounds that came up. "—I should warn you, this guy has only ever been a taste-tester, and a gluttonous one, at that. How people got the idea that we were both good cooks, I have no idea."
Jessica cocked an eyebrow as she watched Luffy struggle beneath his own cook's grip. "He's resilient, too."
"I have to take drastic measures to keep his mouth under control," Sanji explained as he jerked Luffy's charred face up.
"JERK! Now everything's gonna taste all smoky!" Luffy pouted with his tongue lolling out of his mouth.
"…Whatever the heck I was expecting, it sure wasn't this," said one of the many, many sweatdropping chefs.
"You mean the fact that only one's actually good at cooking or the fact that that the boss hasn't broken that one like a stalk of celery yet?"
"Yes."
"BACK TO WORK BEFORE I START USING DISCIPLINARY PRACTICES FROM HQ!" Jessica roared, which kicked her staff into high gear. Satisfied, she made to grab a bottle before pausing as she took notice of the weight. "Tsk. Jacob, if you've got the time, could you go and grab some cooking sherry from the fridge? I'm starting to run low."
"Gladly, madam," Sanji responded, making a beeline for the refrigerator. With nobody nearby, he opened the door. And then every muscle in his body locked up in shock.
Zoro stared back, nonchalantly continuing to drain a bottle of sake as he sat in the stupidly smooth hole in the back of the walk-in freezer.
"HOW THE HELL!? I stopped paying attention for TEN SECONDS!" shrieked Soundbite from nowhere.
Zoro finished off the bottle he was holding with a sigh before cocking an eyebrow. "So? What of it?"
"YOU CROSSED HALF THE BASE! YOU WEREN'T EVEN IN THE SPIRE!"
"…" Zoro was silent as he glanced out the hole he'd carved before shrugging and tearing the cork out of a new bottle with his teeth. "I don't follow you."
"…screw it. That way lies madness."
"You say that as if we didn't all crack long ago," Lassoo wheezed from somewhere.
"That explains so much…" Su muttered.
Sanji, meanwhile, plastered a deliberately neutral expression on his face as he grabbed three bottles of sherry, left the fridge, and returned to Jessica. "I think you may have a rat problem," he deadpanned as he set two bottles down and poured himself a glass of another. Grimacing at that, Jessica walked off towards the fridge. Forty seconds later, she was back with an identical expression, accepting the bottle Sanji was offering to her without hesitation.
"I think you may be right," she said flatly before knocking the bottle back.
Once they had both recovered from the respectively disturbing assaults on their sanity, Sanji submitted a few specific recipes to Jessica, who passed them on to her chefs. Upon seeing how phenomenal the resulting meal was, Jessica saw the opportunity to test him.
"Well, your skills seem to be all that you've advertised them as…" She gave the newcomer a sharp glance. "Sanji."
Sanji didn't so much as flinch. "Hmm? Who?" He slowly pointed at himself. "Are you referring to me, by any chance?"
Jessica stared at him for a few seconds before waving dismissively. "Sorry, sorry, my mistake." She glanced up at the kitchen's clock before grinning eagerly. "Ah, now that's better. We have ten minutes until it's time for Jonathan's meal. Is that enough time for you, Jacob?"
"Easily. So, what will be the dish we prepare?"
"Lamb chop in gravy, with steamed carrots and broccoli, as well as mixed peas and heirloom beans. I call it the Shepherd's Repast."
"So, your husband is a vegetable lover?" Sanji posed, moving to the pantry along with Jessica while producing a headband and tying it around his head in such a way that his eyebrow was hidden; after all, he knew that that nickname of Zoro's had made it onto the SBS more than once.
"Well, they're good for him," Jessica said with a smile. "And what's with that headband?"
"Oh, just a mark of seriousness for competition," Sanji replied, suppressing the bitterness of the fact that he was imitating Zoro. He hoped the mosshead never found out.
Jessica shrugged, and so it went from there. Both gathered the same basic ingredients, but chose different accents for the plate. Side-by-side they stood at identical cooking stations, fires flaring as the pair of them both demonstrated their skills. Both moved with well-practiced grace that left the other chefs staring in awe. Steam here, smoke there, and no shortage of delicious smells. They even plated identically, but in the end, it seemed that a few different spice jars and a bit of cheese, juice, and honey made all the difference; while Jessica's steamed beautifully, Sanji's dish practically shone. The difference was plain, and Jessica's eye was twitching as she took in both that and the awestruck looks of the cooks, their murmuring now reversed from earlier.
"It's actually better-looking than Jessica's." "The smell is better, too." "It's the difference between an expert and a master."
"SILENCE!" Jessica yelled, locking eyes with Sanji. "Take your dish and follow me," she said shortly, covering the tray and quickly walking out of the kitchen.
Sanji hesitated for the briefest of moments before shooting Luffy a hasty grin. "Why don't you stay here and…" The cook had to fight to keep from spitting up blood as he spoke the next lines. "Taste all the dishes, brother."
The width of Luffy's grin was matched by every other face in the kitchen going white. "Sure thing! Sounds like fun!" And before they could stop him, the rubber-man blurred towards the array of already finished dishes.
Sanji silently offered a few apologies to food in general before rushing to catch up with the base's head chef. The two walked in silence for a minute or two before finally reaching the doors of their destination.
He entered alongside Jessica, and took in the sight of Jonathan: white outfit, short red hair and beard, and large eyebrows and moustache that were so dark red that they were almost black. He had a relaxed look about him.
"BEAR GLOVE!"
"Is that the only thing you can say?"
He also had the two South Birds on his shoulders, and looking a little more closely, that relaxed air was notably brittle.
"Ah, Jessica, what's this? Two meals?"
"Mister Marley here challenged me, matching his cooking skills against mine. You will be determining the winner as you taste the dish," Jessica replied, fully calm; after all, as long as her husband liked her food better, she couldn't be upset. She and Sanji placed the covered dishes onto the desk, and removed the covers.
"The Shepherd's Repast for your enjoyment, Commander Jonathan," Sanji said smoothly.
The Vice Admiral's eyebrows rose as he took in the dishes before him. One looked as unappetizing as ever, but the other… despite the fact that the ingredients were the same, it actually looked appetizing. Then he realized the issue in his current situation. It was glaringly obvious who made which dish, meaning he was either going to choose the one that was obviously better, or the one that was obviously his wife's. At least the damnable South Birds were silent.
In an effort to fend off that choice, he gathered a generous spoonful of Jessica's dish, including the broccoli. As he put it into his mouth, it took every bit of control he had to suppress his gag reflex. He loved his wife and he adored her cooking, he really did, but it just seemed like whatever vegetables she touched gained an almost supernatural hatred for his palate. Nevertheless, he managed to swallow painfully and continue on to the rest of the thankfully edible meal.
He directed an only semi-forced grin at his wife. "Delicious as always, dear."
Jessica shot her nose up at Sanji with a contented sniff, which elicited a somewhat conflicted sigh from the disguised pirate. Processing that, Jonathan turned to the more visually appetizing meal. Hiding a grimace, he spooned up another generous helping of vegetables and put it into his mouth. His eyes widened; it was undoubtedly broccoli and carrots that he was eating. But the steaming on them was different, and the spices and bits of cheese on it made it more much more palatable. In fact, it was delicious. He forced down the urge to get another spoonful, turning his utensil towards the meat instead. The vegetables were obviously better, but surely Jessica couldn't be outdone on her lamb chop?
Surely she could, he reflected, as the meat melted in his mouth like filet mignon. Jessica's had been wonderful, but this… this was perfect. Jonathan swallowed, now legitimately nervous.
The two cooks analyzed the Vice Admiral intently, eagerly gauging his facial expressions.
"Well?" Jessica asked with absolute confidence. "Who's better?"
It took every bit of willpower Jonathan had to freeze his facial muscles, so that he had the time he needed to ponder what answer he would give. On the one hand, he could just take the easy road and say that Jessica was the better cook. An obvious solution that would save him a lot of trouble in the future… but on the other hand, it would also be a lie. To lie like that would be a dire insult to the possible Marley brother standing before him, and the fact that he had just tasted broccoli that he wanted to eat again was a strong point in favor of him telling the truth, so he wouldn't suffer again.
'I have to choose between good food and Jessica not being mad. Whether this man is a pirate or not, it would be wonderful to have this dish… but then again, I have to live with Jessica. It seems that I'll simply have to—'
Without even a hint of warning whatsoever, the doors to the office were busted down, allowing one salivating Monkey D. Luffy to enter the room. "Hey Sanji, they ran out of dishes to taste in the kitchen! Can I have the great stuff I'm smelling in here?"
After a moment's pause, Jonathan responded by slowly pushing both plates forward. "All yours, Captain Luffy."
"Thanks!" Luffy nodded his thanks before rushing forwards and starting to pig out on the dishes.
For a few seconds, the only noise that could be heard was the sound of Luffy chowing down at speeds that put buzzsaws to shame, until finally a disembodied sigh wafted through the air. "I tried. I really, really, really tried."
"Don't even worry about it, Cross…" Sanji sighed out a cloud of smoke as he weathered the infernal glare Jessica was trying to melt his brains with. "This isn't even remotely your fault."
"Huh? What's wrong, guys?" Luffy asked, still chowing down on the contents of the two plates.
"Allow me to introduce myself: I am Vice Admiral Jonathan, base commander of Navarone," Jonathan said with a small smile.
"Oh, cool," Luffy said.
"… Three, two, one…"
Luffy's eyes suddenly widened to comical levels, and his mouth dropped open. "You're the guy in charge? The guy that Cross is so scared of?"
"Luffy? Consider the last person you met who had the rank of 'Vice Admiral' and tell me that I shouldn't be scared," Cross said dryly.
"Oh?" Jonathan blinked in surprise. "He's met a Vice Admiral before? Who?"
"Think very hard about his family name."
Jonathan needed only to think for a moment before opening his mouth in an 'ah' of understanding.
The pirate and Marine stared at each other in silence for a few seconds…
Until Jonathan grinned and broke the silence with a "Boo."
Luffy's reaction was actually… underwhelming, as he merely chuckled and continued eating. "I screwed up, huh? Sorry, guys!"
Several loud thuds that, judging from Jessica and Sanji's reactions, signified face-faults echoed across the connection.
"YOU THINK THAT FIXES ANYTHING!?" a chorus of enraged voices roared.
"How is this utter moron the captain?" Jessica wondered.
"I can't honestly say I'm surprised considering what Cross said," Jonathan chuckled before slowly starting to stand up. "Now then, if you'd kindly finish eating…"
"Uh, uh, uh…" Cross stammered uncontrollably as he fumbled for something, anything to say before finally coming to a panicked conclusion. "Uh, HEY! B-before we move to the inevitable fight, d-don't you still have a decision to make, Jonathan?"
"Oh, I'm sure that can wait until these two are in the brig," the Vice Admiral said smoothly.
"Actually, dear, I do think putting them away can wait long enough for you to say which dish you liked better," Jessica replied coolly.
Silence for a few moments, and then Cross chuckled.
"A lover's spat, hmm?" Something in the pirate's words made Jonathan's blood run cold. A feeling that only intensified at what he said next. "Say, Jessica, quick question, what's the meal that you made for this contest?"
"The Shepherd's Repast, or put simply, lamb chop and mixed vegetables. Why?" Jessica questioned without ever taking her eyes off of the pirates.
"Well, then, everyone, I'd say that that's positive proof that Sanji is the better chef. After all, I saw that same dish in Jonathan's garbage bin last night."
It was as though the room had been hit by a blizzard with how still and cold the atmosphere became. Then the two most skilled chefs on base slowly turned, glaring daggers at a paling Jonathan.
"You threw away the meal I made for you?" Jessica asked quietly.
"You dare to not only waste food, but food that this wonderful lady made for you, pouring her heart and soul into it?" Sanji growled, his fists steaming.
Jonathan began to sweat, his hands held in front of him. "N-Now, now, let's not be hasty—"
"Sanji, we'll have to continue this later. Right now, I need to kill my husband," Jessica said, giving the pirate chef a beatific smile.
"Oh, believe me, I understand, Lady Jessica," Sanji replied smoothly. "But may I suggest making him empty his bin and finish your lovely meal first? After all, we both know that you can't waste food."
"No, you certainly can't. Excellent suggestion."
"…Well played, Cross…" Jonathan mumbled.
"Jonathan, remember what I said earlier? Well, this is gloating. No, actually, this is gloating. Hey, Jessica, did you also know that he has a tendency to give the meals you spend so much time preparing to anyone who comes by to get out of eating them, and then order them to tell you that it was delicious?"
Jonathan was now white as a ghost, which was all the confirmation the listeners needed. Jessica's resulting tone was as calm as a hurricane's eye. "Thank you for telling me that, Cross. Anything else to say?"
"Why, hello, miss," Isaiah smoothly interrupted as he landed in front of her, his wings spread wide. "Look to your man. Back at me. Now back to your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me, but with a good workover with, say," Isaiah held one of his talons out, which was carrying a hefty looking frying pan, "a Nine Cast Iron, he could be honest like me."
Jessica blinked in surprise before smiling beatifically and accepting the cooking utensil. "Another excellent suggestion, thank you." She then directed her gaze at Jonathan, and her smiling face morphed into something straight out of a nightmare.
"Yes, Isaiah, thank you, that's perfect. Take note, Jonathan, of weak spot number one: lying to your wife. I trust you'll never make that mistake again. Now, Luffy, Sanji? As our crew's tactician, I'd say that now is the appropriate time for what we in the business call a 'strategic withdrawal'. Or, to put it simply… BOOK IT!"
"Kick him a few times for me, Lady Jessica," Sanji requested before, dragging Luffy behind him, he hightailed it out of the room. A crowd of angry-looking chefs met him outside.
"Jessica just found out that Jonathan threw away a meal she made for him!" Sanji shouted in a convincingly panicked tone. Every Marine in earshot paled in utter terror for all of three seconds. After that, the kitchen, dining room, and hallway went from crowded to 100% abandoned.
"Shishishi! Man, these guys are fast!" Luffy chuckled.
Sanji, for his part, was snapping his head left and right frantically. "Which way, Cross?"
"This way!"
"Right!" Luffy promptly started running down a corridor.
"HOW STUPID ARE YOU!?"
"Whoops, sorry!" the captain said as he pulled a 180.
Sanji groaned miserably as he ran to keep up with his captain. "Why, oh, why does someone with that thick of a skull have to be that charismatic!?"
"Would we really follow him if he wasn't Luffy?"
The resultant silence and the smiles implied therein were answer enough. The moment didn't last long, however.
"Uh, Cross? Are you there?"
"Wha—Conis? Are you—what's going on? Are you still in the infirmary?"
-o-
"No, I'm not," she grunted in response, cursing under her breath as her uncooperative legs banged into another bucket. "I'm currently in a broom closet… somewhere."
"Third corridor, fifth subsection, Gamma Quadrant."
Conis and Su exchanged looks of surprise. "Damn, slimeball," the cloud fox whistled.
"I have been listening to more CHATTER THAN I CARE TO REMEMBER. I THINK I KNOW THIS PLACE BETTER THAN most of the soldiers who live here!"
"Which is going to come in handy for getting out of here. But that aside, why did you wander off and what are you doing?"
"Staying on a cot in the medical wing seemed like a good way to get caught. I'm currently trying to change into a Marine uniform… and trying to get used to what the land is like down here."
"She's acting like even more of a klutz now than Pagaya," Su chuckled.
"Su—AGH!"
CRASH!
Conis waited for cleaning products to stop falling around her before lifting the edge of the bucket that was on her head with a sigh. "…Alright, I'll admit that I can't argue with that."
"What do you mean you're trying to get used to the land?" Usopp asked curiously.
The Skypiean rapped her knuckles on the ground with a huff. "It appears that the Blue Sea's islands are a lot more stationary than those of the White-White Sea."
"Wha—? What do you mean, the islands up there stay still too, don't they?" Nami asked.
"Of course they don't," Conis waved a hand casually as she started pulling herself to her feet using the nearby shelves. "They don't drift, no, but they're still floating on the Cumuloregalis. I didn't have any problems on the Merry because all Skypieans get used to dealing with the minute swaying as they grow up; at this point, my sea legs are making my sense of balance over-compensate for an imbalance that's no longer present."
"Ugh… well, at least you're not drunk on oxygen anymore. So, what are you planning right now?"
Conis slowly staggered her way over to a nearby coat hanger and took a Marine cap off of it, replacing her beret with the headwear and situating it in such a manner that her hair-antennae were hidden. "For now, I'm going to try my luck blending in as a janitor. Maybe walking on slick surfaces will help me keep my balance better."
"Plus I imagine a mop can double as an excusable crutch, huh?" Cross questioned.
"That too," Conis nodded in acknowledgement as she slid on the rest of the janitor's uniform. "And I have to say, I like the way this uniform feels, very different from the outfits on Angel Island. Now, where—ah, that'll work. Su, you'll need to hide in here." The cloud fox looked at the duffle bag Conis was holding, and then looked at her erstwhile master, a look that Conis returned.
"Su, they know that I have a Cloud Fox with me and they know we're in the base, so," she started raising her hand towards a metal can on a shelf. "Unless you'd prefer to adopt a more locally traditional look—"
One blur of white later and the bag was zipped shut. "Knock my head against anything and there'll be hell to pay," came Su's muffled voice.
"I'll be as careful as I can be, Su," Conis assured her, picking up a bucket and mop before walking out the door. Two steps later, she was groaning facedown into the floor.
"Somehow, that doesn't reassure me," Su moaned.
-o-
The atmosphere in the Vice Admiral's office was… uncomfortable. Jonathan was eating a platter of vegetables, mostly broccoli, which had been liberated from his bin and cleaned, while nursing some large lumps on his skull. Meanwhile, his wife stood behind him with a very calm look on her face, and a large skillet in her hands. A bemused Drake, Henrick, and Cormac looked on as Jonathan finished his meal down to the last morsel on the plate before looking up at Jessica. And, of course, the two South Birds were back to being smug.
"I'm sorry, Jessica. The truth is that I really do love your cooking, but I've never been able to stomach the broccoli," Jonathan said apologetically. Jessica's lips tightened, as did her grip on the skillet, before she sighed.
"…Upsetting though that is, the fact that you never said anything is even worse," she said, emphasizing the last bit. "I was aware that you were less than partial to the broccoli and vegetables in general, but had you made it known that you disliked them to the extent that you would prefer throwing them away, I would have been willing to put in the necessary effort to change that. Did you think I couldn't take criticism on my food from someone who knows what they're talking about?"
Jonathan sighed. "Well, you do tend to be rather… sensitive about your cooking."
Jessica scoffed. "I'm not denying that I would have been upset, but preparing food to satisfy the clientele is my job. Just be more honest in the future, and I'll do whatever I have to so that your meals are both healthy and palatable."
Jonathan nodded appreciatively. "I won't let it happen again, Jessica. Complete honesty from now on."
"I do so love when a couple makes up like this," Terry said at a normal volume.
"As do I," Isaiah agreed.
"Good. Then you can start now: which dish did you like better?"
Jonathan stiffened briefly, but shook his head. "Sanji's. I had to resist the urge to take another bite of the broccoli, and that lamb chop was so tender and delicious…"
"Hmph," Jessica glowered before storming to the door. "Well, it seems I need to improve on my skills, then. I'll start by attempting to duplicate his dish. Meanwhile, I'll leave you to your meeting."
She opened the door and walked out of the office before looking back.
"Oh, and Jonathan? I think your posture has improved today."
As Jessica closed the door, the three officers in the room couldn't suppress snickers, while the two South Birds both posed even more smugly. That lasted all of ten seconds before Jonathan leveled a glare at them.
"If you're quite finished… what is the progress on apprehending the Straw Hat Pirates?"
"N-none yet, sir," Henrick replied.
Jonathan tapped his fingers together. "Gentlemen, I like to think that I am usually a thoroughly reasonable man. Slow to anger, quick with a joke. However…" The Vice Admiral tapped a finger against a rather impressive goose-egg that was growing on his temple. "After being set upon by my own wife, I find that a large percentage of my patience has been exhausted." The glare intensified, causing all three of his subordinates to flinch. "Locate and apprehend them before I lose the rest of it."
"SIR, YES, SIR!" the Marines snapped into a salute.
"Dismissed."
The Vice Admiral was silent as he watched his men file out of his office before heaving a weary sigh. "You are proving to be a most… unique adversary, Mister Cross." He picked up a bishop from the chessboard on his desk and looked it over. "Are you sure I couldn't tempt you to play a game or two?"
"Sorry," Cross's clearly grinning voice apologized. "But I only know the absolute basics and I've never won a game. You'd stomp me in ten moves or less."
"Hmph." Jonathan set the piece down on a new square. "What a shame…" He stared at the board impassively for a few seconds before leaning forward and tenting his fingers on his desk. "So, tell me. What are your thoughts on Navarone?"
"Well, weak spot number two is one we've found out rather personally: those patrols you send out? The fact that some of the weakest members of our crew have managed to disable more than we can count is proof that they're more ambush bait than anything. Either you up the quality or up the quantity, but right now they're not that effective, even if their routes are."
"Hmm, a fair point," Jonathan conceded with a sigh. "So, what is their current status?"
"Thoroughly humiliated but fine," Cross replied. "Like I said, we're not trying to kill anyone. Besides that, the only immediate issue that comes to mind is already resolved. I'm honestly surprised that you didn't have more faith in your wife."
"Clearly, Cross, you've never had to deal with an angry significant other. But you're correct, that was…" Jonathan winced as a throb of pain echoed through his skull. "A mistake on my part."
"Heh. So, yeah, not finding all that many weaknesses so far… but then again, this is the quiet stage of the game."
"Well, we'll have to see if the game progresses beyond that. Out of curiosity, however, what happened to the real Marley brothers?"
"Suffice to say that they're… indisposed, not far from the docks," said the mystery crewmate.
"But feel free to let them free and lead them to the kitchen. After all, Jessica could use the excuse to blow off some steam on a pair of men so incompetent in the kitchen that peeling potatoes results in a bucket of scraps."
That made Jonathan grin. "Thank you for that advice, Cross."
"My pleasure. Now, for the next stage, a key part of showing how strong the base is will come from showing how strong the brig is. After all, succeeding in pulling off a jailbreak would be… uh, Boss, you wanna finish that?"
"Gladly, Cross," a voice that Jonathan could only assume to be one of the dugong's piped in. "Ahem… to exfiltrate one's allies from unjust imprisonment in a nigh inescapable detention facility… is that not a truly bold Man's Romance!?"
"GO, BOSS, GO!" a quartet of eager voices concurred.
"Oh, and before I forget, Vice Admiral," Boss continued in a more even tone. "If you want that net trick to work, see about shoring up the bottom of the bay itself. It's way too easy to dig through."
"'Easy', he says, psh…"
The Vice Admiral couldn't help but chuckle at the enthusiasm. "My, my, it sounds like you have quite the characters on your crew."
"Vice Admiral, allow me to be completely and utterly frank with you," Cross said with the utmost seriousness. "Compared to a lot of other crews out there in the world? I guarantee you that we are tame and sane."
"Before I attempt to contradict that statement, you do realize that in order to to break someone out of the brig, someone has to be in the brig first, right?"
Jonathan allowed himself a contented grin at the beautiful silence that followed.
"… Hold that thought, Jonathan."
-o-
"OK, so I've got two preferred choices here," I said, tapping my fingers together sheepishly. "I think our best options would be either Zoro or Usopp. What say you guys, either of you game?"
"Denied," chorused two flat voices.
"That's what I was afraid you'd say…" I hung my head with a weary sigh.
"I regret to say that Miss Navigator and I are both undercover, so we're unavailable for that," Robin said smugly.
"Regret nothing, sucks to be you guys!" Nami cackled.
"Witch."
"WATCH YOUR BLASPHEMOUS MOUTH, MARIMO!"
"You can kick his ass later, Sanji!" I snapped. "Right now, we need to prioritize figuring out who gets captured, someway, somehow, right goddamn now!"
"Oh, oh, I'LL DO IT!" Soundbite waved his eyestalks eagerly. "Am-stram-gram-gr—WHAT THE HELL!?"
"Huh?" I looked at the snail when he suddenly barked in panic. "What's u—?"
I was promptly cut off by Vivi's voice.
"Hello. Lieutenant Commander Drake, I presume?"
-o-
"Who—?" the Marine started to ask as he turned around before tensing as he identified the individual who'd tapped his shoulder.
Vivi smiled beatifically and waved. "Hello, I'm Princess Nefertari Vivi, a.k.a. 'Corsair Princess' Nefertari Vivi, negotiator of the Straw Hat Pirates, wanted for the price of ฿55 Million. I believe you've been looking for me?"
"Ah…" Drake hesitated as he tried to get his mind's gears to grind properly.
"Oh!" Vivi snapped her fingers in realization. "I almost forgot!"
THWACK!
"GYERGH!"
The princess retracted her knee from between the Lieutenant Commander's legs, allowing him to collapse in agony.
Vivi knelt down over him, smile still in place. "That was for accusing one of my dearest friends for having anything to do with the bastards who tried to rip my nation apart." She then clapped her hands and stood up with a bright smile. "Now, then!" She held her wrists out to the shell-shocked soldiers who'd been accompanying the Commander, causing them to flinch back in terror. "If one of you fine gentlemen would be so kind as to take me into custody, I'd very much appreciate it."
-o-
I gaped at Soundbite in awe as I tried to process what the hell had just happened. "Well… that's one way to do it."
"Pacifist my fluffy tail!" Su snorted.
"I blame you animals for the corruption of my sweet princess!" Sanji moaned.
"Said da' cook who can bweak ian with his feet…" Carue muttered.
"Iron? Oh, no, that's not right. Sure, he can dent iron, but breaking it? That honor belongs to the swordsmen," said one of the dugongs, almost certainly Leo.
"Ah, shadd—WA-AA-AA-AGH!" Carue's muttering suddenly swapped to an avian squawk of panic.
"Do not resist arrest, duck," Drake said sternly… before groaning. "Arresting a giant duck… why did it have to be the Straw Hats?"
I couldn't help but laugh at that. And a few panicked squawks and reassurances from Vivi later, the two of them were being quietly escorted to the brig. "Alright, everyone, once Vivi's in place, we can organize the jailbreak pla—"
"PRIORITY ONE!" Soundbite suddenly squawked before adopting a calm visage and a calm smile.
"Excuse me, I'm Marine Inspector Major Shepherd, and this is my escort. I believe that Jonathan is expecting me?" came Robin's voice.
"Wha—A-ah, of course, ma'am," Drake's voice said. "I'll lead you to Jonathan's office. Men, escort these two to the brig."
I winced slightly. "You two had better play your cards right, or you'll be joining Vivi."
"That sounds reasonable, thank you," Robin said.
-o-
"Ah, Marine Inspector Major Shepherd, I've been expecting you. And who is this?" Jonathan asked calmly.
"Captain Bellemere, sir," Nami said tightly. "I'm here as the Inspector's escort."
"Oh?" Jonathan blinked in surprise as he looked Nami over. "I was unaware that the Inspector even had an escort."
"I prefer to keep my participation in these inspections as incognito as possible," Nami explained, keeping her voice cool and neutral all the while. "It gives shoddy bases less time to prepare so that we get the honest image from the get-go."
"Are you accusing G-8 of being incompetent?!" Drake demanded.
"She never said that," Robin replied with a raised hand. "Though I'm afraid that that doesn't change the facts of this investigation. The general sentiment at HQ is that, due to the lack of activity in the waters surrounding this base, the budget for the maintenance of Navarone is considered, quite frankly, to be something of a boondoggle."
Nami raised her eyebrows quizzically at the choice of words, but shrugged it off as Jonathan replied.
"I am aware of that, Inspector, but I think you'll find that a lack of action does not represent a lack of preparedness." He stood up and moved towards a corner of the room. "In fact, I've recently acquired enough liquid capital to ensure that Navarone will remain up and running for the next decade."
Nami and Robin followed his gaze, and the instant that the shimmering treasure caught her eye—
"THERE'S NO CHANCE IN HELL THAT YOU'RE DOING THAT WITH MY TREASURE!"
Silence greeted that shout for a second before Nami's mouth clicked shut in a pained grimace.
"I thought so. After all, you may have Bellemere's attitude, but I'd recognize that woman anywhere, and you're not her," Jonathan remarked, catching Nami off guard.
"You… you knew my mother?" Nami asked quietly.
Jonathan looked back at her in honest shock. "Your mother? Interesting. Yes, she was quite the strong Marine. Never took nonsense from anyone, always did things her own way, but she was nonetheless extremely formidable. We trained together, she was a good friend of mine, but then she led her squad on a dangerous mission in the East Blue against a criminal group. We were under the impression that there were no survivors," Jonathan finished solemnly.
Nami bowed her head. "Bellemere… she was close to death, but she found my older sister and I on the battlefield. She took us in and raised us as her daughters. We were poor, but we were a family…" Rage and sorrow mixed on her face. "Until Arlong came. She fought hard, she even had him dead to rights, but… in the end…" Nami hugged herself tightly. "She sacrificed herself to save us."
Jonathan bowed his head respectfully. "A hero to the very end. I'm sorry for your loss."
"I, for one, am disappointed." Drake crossed his arms with a scowl. "For someone with a retired Marine as a parent to wind up a pirate… you should be ashamed for so flagrantly dishonoring her memory."
It was a credit to the man's courage that he didn't even so much as flinch in response to the face-melting glare Nami pinned him with.
"Lieutenant Commander Drake."
But no amount of courage could prevent him from snapping to attention when Jonathan's harsh tone cracked the air like a whip.
Cold sweat ran down the officer's face as he felt the Vice Admiral's glare bore into him. "The only person in this room who should be ashamed is you, Drake. Apologize to the young lady."
"But, sir—!"
"Now."
Drake swallowed heavily before bending into a bow. "P-Please accept my apologies for my earlier rudeness, ma'am, I spoke without thinking."
Nami maintained her glare on Drake before letting out a harsh scoff. "Don't let it happen again." She then glanced back at Jonathan for a second before sighing. "Well, this is the definition of ironic. I meet a Marine that actually knew my mother, and it's in a situation where I was supposed to keep a low profile. This could have gone so much better, in more ways than one."
"The first step is admitting that you have a problem," Cross stated innocently.
"I will let Chopper give me therapy when you agree to do the same for your addiction to adrenaline," Nami said, crossing her arms.
"NEVER!"
"Then it would seem that we are at an impasse."
Jonathan chuckled at the exchange before coughing and readopting his half-bored, half-serious expression. "I regret this as well, Nami. Under better circumstances, I wouldn't mind sharing a few stories about Bellemere over drinks. I do hope you understand, this is simply business."
Nami frowned, but nodded nonetheless. "Yes, I do understand that." She paused, a malevolent smile coming over her face. "And on that note, there is a significant bright side to you figuring it out…"
"Um, what are you—?" Jonathan asked nervously.
"You see, respectable Marine though you've proven that you are, you're still the man that invaded my private space and stole my precious treasure," she said, reminding Jonathan so much of an angry Jessica that he found himself instinctively freezing up as she approached him. "I had to restrain myself from hurting you to keep my cover intact, you understand that, right? But now that you know the truth, I'm perfectly free to do THIS!"
CRUNCH!
The few Marines gathered winced in sympathy, except for Drake. He, along with Robin, was smirking.
"Ow…" Jonathan winced as he fiddled with his broken nose. "Alright… I'm man enough to admit that I had that coming."
"You think that's all I'm going to do to you?"
Jonathan paled in terror when Nami jerked him by his collar so that he was staring straight into her positively evil grin.
"Let me assure you, Mister Vice Admiral… we've only just begun."
"Ah, D-Drake?"
"… Honestly, sir? It's my professional opinion that we can hold off on arresting her until she's finished," Drake mused. "For the safety of our men, you understand."
"Drake, you traitor," Jonathan whimpered.
"It's nothing personal, sir, I assure you." Drake slowly let a predatory grin slip across his face. "Actually… it really is. Consider this catharsis for all the years of smartassery you've subjected me to."
"Besides," Isaiah cut in. "You know what they say about women scorned. Your subordinate is showing very good sense in not getting in her way." He paused in thought. "In fact, perhaps we should leave and not expose our manly visages to such… cruelty."
"GOODBYE!" Terry yelled in agreement, flapping outside of the office alongside his companion and positioning themselves so that the didn't have to look into the office.
"Thank you very much, Lieutenant Commander Drake, Isaiah, Terry," Nami purred before snapping a leer at the Vice Admiral. "Now then, Jonathan, if you would kindly?" The navigator swung her fist back. "Grit your teeth."
-o-
All activity in the kitchen slowly came to a halt as the unmistakable sound of their commander being assaulted echoed around them. Jessica wasn't even able to reprimand them, caught up as she was in listening to it.
"I WORKED MY FINGERS TO THE BONE TO INTOXICATE THAT SNAKE SO I COULD SALVAGE ALL OF THAT GOLD, AFTER WATCHING AN AMOUNT AS BIG AS THIS FORTRESS LITERALLY FLY AWAY! HOW DARE YOU STEAL IT FROM ME?!"
"… Well, I suppose I don't need to be angry at him anymore. This is punishment enough," Jessica mused.
-o-
On the surface of the base's bay, five dugongs were cringing in sympathy and horror in response to the beatdown they heard.
"…Boys? I've decided that I don't need to raise my disciplinary measures, as I have absolutely no chance of being as good at punishment as she is."
The four younger dugongs all sighed in relief.
"So, I'll just have to make sure that if any of you do something too stupid, she takes care of the discipline."
The martial artist amphibian cocked an eyebrow as his students flopped onto their backs, foam bubbling from their mouths.
"Note to self: focus on training their wills from now on."
-o-
"Urp… oh—hurk—I'm sorry about this—blugh—Doctor Chopper," moaned Kobato around the bile with which she was filling the infirmary's toilet.
"Don't worry about it, Doctor Kobato," Chopper sighed in resignation, the audio of Nami's rage echoing in both of their ears as he held Kobato steady. "Believe me, this is an entirely normal reaction to hearing this."
"Oh, that's—ough—good to hear."
-o-
Elsewhere in the base, two of the Straw Hats were doing a very good job at epitomizing the crew's standard insanity. How? Because in response to Nami's rage, the chef was having mood swings—
"NAMI-SWAN IS SO GORGEOUS WHEN SHE'S ANGRY—but this time, I think the rage is just too much—BUT SHE'S SO WONDERFULLY BRUTAL—but is it too much? I'm scared—BUT IT'S STILL NAMI-SWAN!"
—and Luffy was rolling on the ground laughing his rubber head off in response to Sanji's antics. No Marines were around, but if they were, odds were that they would be far too bemused to do anything about them.
-o-
"The witch really has been holding out on us," Zoro muttered, currently in the middle of a large metal slab with the G-8 logo embedded in it, on one side of which was a large stone spire and the other was what appeared to be the open ocean.
"Huh. Looks like the lake here is bigger than I thought," he remarked before walking on.
-o-
Jonathan was a Vice Admiral, renowned for being extremely formidable in battle, capable of taking down an army singlehandedly.
Jonathan was a genius, capable of outsmarting one of the most ruthless, powerful, and fanatical Marines in the Corps and treated any challenge as though it were a simple game of chess.
Jonathan was currently nursing enough injuries from a rookie pirate—who wasn't even the captain!—that nobody was likely to believe either of those.
And meanwhile, Nami was standing over him, huffing and puffing at him with an expression that was just now ceasing to be demonic. "Now, with that done… MY GOLD!"
The non-Marine shed her coat and sped over to the pile of gold in the room, hugging and kissing it as if it were her lost child.
"Oh, my dearly beloved gold! Did the mean Marines damage you at all? Don't worry, Mommy's here now, I'll take good—"
THWACK!
"Ugh…" Nami moaned as a chop to her neck knocked her out, laying her out flat at the feet of a grimacing Inspector.
"That was very quickly becoming disturbing. Please get her out of here," Robin said sourly.
Drake shivered slightly at the inspector's expression before nodding in agreement. "Understood." He popped a salute off at Jonathan. "By your leave, sir!" And with that, he foisted Nami onto his shoulder and marched out of the office.
Once the door was shut, Jonathan gave 'Inspector Shepherd' a bland look. "Well, now, that was certainly harsh. To your own crewmate, no less?"
Robin sighed fondly as she slid her glasses off and graced the Vice Admiral with a light smile. "Miss…" Robin paused for a moment before her smile became more… natural. "Nami is like a little sister to me, and while her antics and habits can be amusing at times, there are also moments when she needs to be restrained to a certain degree, if only for the sake of her own dignity."
"Heh, I believe I might know the sentiment," Jonathan nodded in agreement. "I respect and care for my men like none other, but they do so love to make fools of themselves at times. I can only imagine where they'd be without me."
"I do believe that I know how you feel, Mister Vice Admiral."
"Hey, I resent those implications!" Cross protested.
"Don't you MEAN RESEMBLE?" Soundbite cackled.
"Ah, shut it. But, ah… moving on… Jonathan, if you've already made Robin, then why isn't she in seastone cuffs? Not that I'm complaining… much…"
"And I thought we were getting along so well…" Robin mock-pouted.
"You almost let me get dissected within 24 hours of you joining the crew."
"And here I thought that time was supposed to heal all wounds."
"For the sake of my marriage, I hope it does…" Jonathan muttered before raising his voice. "And to answer your question, Cross, while you might be willing to cheat without mercy—"
"Pi~rate~!"
"I am still a man of my word. While I myself might have managed to identify Nico Robin, none of my subordinates did, and there are still several hours to go before I can directly accelerate your captures. Until then, her identity is safe with me. But out of morbid curiosity… what happened to the real Shepherd?"
When Cross told him, Jonathan laughed. When Soundbite told him how many grunts had discovered the inspector, Jonathan fell off his chair.
"Oh, thank you, thank you, I needed that," Jonathan chuckled as he wiped a tear from his eye. "Well, I suppose you should be going, but before you do, if I might make one request?"
"Oh?" Robin gave the Vice Admiral a curious look. "And that would be?"
Jonathan slid his chessboard to the middle of his desk with a pleading look. "One game? Please?"
Robin paused contemplatively. "Well…"
"Oh, go on and enjoy yourself," Cross prompted in a careless tone. "I'll need time to plan this out anyways and get everyone in place, so you've got time to spare. Oh, and Jonathan? If it's not clear already, allow me to point out weak spot number three. I mean, it's perfectly understandable, but freezing up when confronted with angry women is not conducive to long-term survival, not least because of how many female pirate captains there are out there."
"Noted, Cross," Jonathan said dryly, though he actually did note something down on a piece of paper at his desk before concentrating on the board. "Now then, white to you, Miss Robin."
Robin grinned, a hint of competitive menace entering her expression as she began to play. "The middle of a life-or-death situation, and I find myself playing a friendly game of chess with the person responsible for every bit of danger in that situation." She slowly shook her head in awe. "I can't deny it anymore. I love being a Straw Hat Pirate."