"LAND HO!"
I was knocked from the book I'd been burying myself in by Luffy and Usopp's strident lecturing of Robin on the proper way to notify the crew that she'd seen an island. I took a second to get my bearings before smiling, standing up and picking up Soundbite. However, while I appeared calm on the outside, I was the exact opposite on the inside, and had been for a while now.
My smile, fond though it was, belied the grim anticipation I felt; sure, it was nice to finally be near land, but the implications of our destination… those I couldn't shake.
Our course was still unchangeably headed for an island infiltrated by no less than half of CP9. With any luck, Robin would be fully onboard once we arrived, so that we'd be able to start the inevitable conflict on our terms rather than theirs. But if she wasn't… then we were in for one hell of a brawl.
Still, at least we had one advantage: until Robin arrived on Water 7, CP9's incognito members would continue to go about their days as though nothing were happening. Hence, with the global timeline 'paused' as it were, we had a resource on our hands we hadn't had in a long time: quite literally, time.
Time to train, time to prepare, and most importantly of all, time to plan.
But I forced myself to push that issue away as I walked out onto the deck and gazed through the fog around us; pressing though the CP9 saga was, the memory of the remnants of the Fanged Toad Pirates and their sinking into the sea—which, I have to be honest, I couldn't regret; as disheartened as they were, if their first thought was to try robbing us, they weren't worth the effort to mourn—reminded me that we had to deal with the Foxy Pirates first.
I tented my fingers on the balcony as I considered our oncoming foes. For all that Foxy was something of a joke character, the truth was undeniable: he'd compensated for his own weakness by getting the Davy Back Fight down to an art. In a direct fight, he was pathetic, but when he managed to get his way… well, simply put, he had managed to survive long enough on the Grand Line to accumulate nearly 500 members for his crew, including fishmen and giants. No matter how you looked at it, Foxy was as paradoxically threatening as he was utterly pathetic.
"CROSS!"
I jumped in surprise as I was knocked clean out of my thoughts by Nami's voice before glancing to the side, where both she and Zoro were staring at me in equal parts worry and impatience. "Sorry, my thoughts were a mile away. What is it?"
"I asked if there's anything to worry about on this island," Nami replied before glancing at the island. "Though going by how you didn't answer me for a full minute, I'd call that question already answered."
I grimaced slightly before starting to tap the side of my head. "Eh… kind of. There are no indigenous threats; the local civilization isn't even around, for that matter. All that lives here are a bunch of abnormally tall or long animals, something about growing longer due to leisurely lifestyles or whatever. They're all laid back, so even the carnivores are barely even a threat. I suspect that this is the most peaceful island we'll find in the Grand Line."
"I'm hearing that 'but' like Soundbite's shouting it, Cross," Zoro deadpanned.
I stopped tapping and started pressing my finger against my temple. "But it's a prelude. We're going to be meeting some people here. There'll be a group who'll be an annoying but decently tough fight…" I scowled as I dug my finger into my forehead. "And after all that, there'll be one who will stomp us into the ground."
Zoro and Nami tensed for a moment before Nami forced herself to relax marginally as she looked back at the shoreline. "Eh, I'm sure Luffy and the guys will be able to beat him."
"Don't count on it," I scowled grimly. "Picture a calmer, more world-savvy Enel, minus the natural advantage that one of our crew had against him."
Zoro tapped his finger on the butt of Wado Ichimonji, not seeming to notice he was doing it. "Then how are we supposed to get out of this one alive?"
"Pure luck and Luffy's guts…" I shook my head grimly. "After the guy effortlessly incapacitates Luffy."
That got the two to stiffen in naked terror, while drawing a different reaction from a third observer.
"It would appear that the third time fighting a Logia isn't the charm for our captain," remarked Robin in a would-be calm voice as she walked up on us out of nowhere.
It was a testament to my nerves that I didn't jump, instead biting my lip as I hoped to high heaven that she wouldn't ask the million Beri question. If I hesitated, chances were high that she'd guess the reason for it. Thankfully, however, she chose to keep her peace.
"Not in this case, it isn't…" I shook my head solemnly before clapping my hands. "But in any case, that will have to wait. That annoying group I mentioned does present a threat, but only if we let them gain momentum. Hopefully it won't come to that, but if it does…" I sighed and waved my hand dismissively. "Well, I suppose we'll just have to burn that bridge when we come to it. For now, brace yourselves; the fourth leg of our journey starts now, and it's going to be one of the hardest parts we face this side of the Red Line."
That got them on their guard, sending Nami stalking off towards Usopp and Conis, presumably to check on the progress they'd made on our weapons, while Robin and Zoro stayed by me and watched as the island approached.
"…Fourth leg of our journey? How do you figure that, Cross?" Zoro asked.
"Eh, it's just the way I saw it," I shrugged. "The first leg was from when Luffy set out to when you guys left the East Blue, the second was from the start of the Grand Line to Alabasta, and the third was from the end of Alabasta until now. Some legs are longer than others, but all are significant in some way, shape or form."
"And how many of those do you know about, Cross?" Robin needled.
I looked upwards and spoke wordlessly to myself as I counted down on my fingers. Alright, let's see, the arcs were East Blue, Alabasta, Skypiea, Water 7/Enies, Thriller Bark, Marineford, Fishman Island, Punk Hazard and Dressrosa, though those last two were practically one and the same under the Pirate Alliance. Either way, it all totalled up to… "Eight, or thereabouts. My knowledge stops right as we start getting into what will undoubtedly be the biggest shitstorm the world has seen in the last 700 years."
"Naturally," Robin said dryly.
"Hey, what do you want from me?" I shrugged. "I'm only human."
"Allegedly, anyway," Zoro scoffed.
I rolled my eyes and turned away in favour of observing Long Ring Long Land. As we arrived, I could see that it was, well… a plain-looking island. That is, the island was covered in grass and dotted with tall trees, and so it looked plain… because it was a plain.
… Moving on. The Kiddy Trio shot overboard, as did Vivi and Carue. Everyone else stayed behind for one reason or another.
"Lassoo! Wanna go fox-hunting?" I called.
"Hey!" Su interrupted, an angry scowl on her face. "That's insulting to my heritage as a BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Both Lassoo, Soundbite, and I blinked as Su suddenly and without warning descended into a fit of laughter.
"Uh, Su?" I began.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA…! Oh, man, I nearly made it through that with a straight face," the cloud fox finally trailed off. "Nah, we foxes are all snarky little shits, and we know it. Go on with whatever it was you were doing."
I shrugged and turned back to Lassoo. "So, about that invitation…"
The dog-gun's response was to eagerly bound up next to me and leap at my back, morphing into his gun-mode in mid-air and latching into the harness that Usopp had made for me a few days ago when I'd finally managed to start hefting Lassoo without strain.
"HURF!"
'Or, well,' I corrected mentally as I strained under Lassoo's full weight. 'Almost without strain…' Freaking hell, even a full ton lighter and he still risked crushing me flat.
"You'd think having literally nothing but muscle would make this easier, instead of setting me back by weeks," I remarked through gritted teeth.
"Look at it this way: at least you're actually capable of walking," Su commented airily from where she was perched on the Merry's railing. "That's more than most anyone who went through anything even remotely similar to what you did can say."
"… You have no idea just how accurate that statement is, Su," I deadpanned. I then turned back to my fellow officers. "Pass this on to everyone who stays behind: the group I mentioned will be here soon, but the captain is already on the island." I grimaced as I put my foot on the Merry's railing. "Hopefully, I can take him down before he can get Luffy to accept his challenge."
"Challenge?" Nami asked in confusion. "What challenge?"
I turned an eye towards the fog, and grimaced as I caught sight of a dark shadow just starting to loom. "The Davy Back Fight," I said sourly. "Ask Robin or Sanji to tell you what it is. Trust me, whatever they tell you, these guys have made it ten times worse."
And with that parting comment, I leapt to the shore and started jogging after our captain, doctor, sniper, and duck-mounted diplomat as fast as my legs allowed.
---
"Good day, young man."
"Winston Churchill," I divined, giving the daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaschund a respectful nod as I passed him by.
"Yeah, I guess that accent's kinda UNMISTAKABLE," Soundbite admitted. "ALRIGHT, HOW ABOUT… this?"
"Oh, 'scuse me," I apologized as I ducked under the elongated mass of a particularly large animal.
"Not a problem," the animal rumbled.
"Hm…" I tapped my chin. "Robin Williams? No, that doesn't make sense…" I glanced back at the animal as I tried to puzzle it out before finally managing to catch sight of its horns. "Oh! A buuuuuuuuuuuullmoooooooooooose. Teddy Roosevelt then?"
"CORRECTAMUNDO!" Soundbite proclaimed.
"Good job compensating for a lack of an actual voice to go by."
"Thanks, I'm quite proud of it. NOW… OH! OH! This should be GOOD!"
"G'day, mate," a wide-snouted aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalligator greeted me quietly as he stalked after the buuuuuuuuuuuullmoooooooooooose.
I instantly jerked to a halt and snapped my fist up. "HOLD IT!" I barked, causing everyone around me to freeze. "A moment of silence for the Hunter…"
Soundbite, the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeptile and I all bowed our heads reverentially for a second…
"Aaaand moving on." I dropped my fist and resumed tracking Carue's thankfully distinctive footprints. "And for the record, Soundbite? That was an elongated alligator; he was called Crocodile Hunter."
"Eh, I went in KNOWING IT WAS A gamble."
I shrugged. As I continued following the footprints, I actually took the moment to appreciate the land. A sea of grass that seemed to stretch on for miles and miles… even the bizarre trees, stretched out like reflections from a funhouse mirror, couldn't impede the amazing scope of the situation. I mean, I had experienced farmlands like this a few times back home, but nothing like this. Honestly, it was all just… just—
"LOOK OUT BELOW!"
"LOOK OUT ABOVE!"
"Wha—?" I had barely enough time to glance up in confusion—
WHAM!
When I was suddenly pasted by a very heavy and, frankly, very smelly projectile.
I took a second to lie on the ground as I tried to process what the hell had just happened when said projectile suddenly sat up and started scratching the back of its head.
"Ah, back on solid ground at last…" Tonjit sighed in relief before shifting around. "Huh, it's softer than I remember."
"…I take it all back…" I growled out. "This place is a freaking tinderbox, and all I need is a match so that I can watch it burn." I blinked as a thought occurred to me. "Holy crap, this must be how Nami feels pretty much all the time…"
"Cross!" Vivi called out as she and the rest of our unofficial away team crowded around me. "Are you alright?"
"Holy crap, the bamboo genie came out and crushed Cross!" Luffy exclaimed.
"A genie?" asked Chopper.
"Yeah! It's the thing that appears after you break the bamboo and—WHEGH!"
I glared at my captain as I forced him to hold his tongue—or rather, as I held it for him. "He's no genie, Luffy, and that wasn't… quite bamboo?" I glanced down at the stilts. Seriously, how the hell had he managed—? I hastily shook my head as I got myself back on track. "Anyway, what you just broke was the world's biggest pair of stilts, and this was the guy who was standing on top. For all I know, he may very well live in that house and be the owner of that horse. Now, if you'll excuse me…" I slowly tilted back…
THUD!
And landed in the thankfully soft grass, although Lassoo being beneath me was marginally uncomfortable. "I'm just gonna lie here for a bit until my limbs stop aching…" I groaned.
"Uh… are you alright, Cross?" Vivi asked, leaning over me with a worried look.
"Cah'mon, Vivi," Carue huffed as he grabbed the back of Vivi's collar and yanked her away.
"He'll be fine, wet's just get outta hewe befowe whatevah madness he's gawt comin' catches up to him."
Tonjit, meanwhile, was blinking slowly before suddenly gasping and staring at me in shock. "Wait, young man, did you just say that there was a horse by that house over there?"
"…yes?" I asked slowly, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
"Huh…" Tonjit slowly redirected his gaze at the house. "You know, I used to have a house and a horse…" He stared for a second longer before tilting his head. "What an odd coincidence…"
I slapped my hand to my face with a groan. "For the love of—! Eh, to hell with it. Who the hell'll ever believe him? HEY, SHELLY!"
A minute later, I was watching Tonjit ride around happily on his old companion with a somewhat bemused expression. "So…" I glanced at Soundbite. "Your reasoning?"
"EH, what can I SAY?" Soundbite shrugged as much as he could. "OLD, MATERNALLY and kind? Who else but McGonagall?"
"Heh, fair enough…" I watched the two of them for a few more seconds and had to admit that it was a beautiful sight, even considering that he had fallen on me. And not one that I wanted to see interrupted the hard way, that was for sure. "Are Foxy and his goons nearby yet?"
"Chica AND BONNIE?" Soundbite asked cheekily.
"…That's more accurate than I'd like to admit. Still though?"
"Eeehhh…" Soundbite swivelled his eyestalks. "Yeeaaah, there they IS THAT A GUN!?"
"Yeah, that's them," I scowled grimly. "Alright, Soundbite, blow their brains out."
One second's pause, then Soundbite's eyes widened in horror. "WAX! How did they ALREADY KNOW!?"
I didn't spare any thought to answering the question, instead scrambling to a kneel and twisting my harness so that Lassoo was perched on my shoulder. "Which way are they!?"
"TWENTY DEGREES WIDDERSHINS!"
I gave the gastropod an acrid scowl. "Does it look like we're riding on four elephants and a freaking turtle!?"
"AH…" Soundbite flinched self-consciously. "MAKE THAT starboard?"
I jerked Lassoo's barrel to the side.
"FIRE!"
"CANI-PLASTER!" I roared as I pulled Lassoo's trigger.
BOOM! SPLAT!
"AGH! PTOOH! WHAT ZE HECK!"
I breathed a sigh of relief before dropping Lassoo down so that he could morph into his hybrid form while I stood up fully and stalked towards the tar-soaked trio. Thankfully, going by the fact that Tonjit was looking over at us in confusion atop a yet-uninjured Shelly, it looked like I had actually managed to beat them to the shot. Well, that was step one taken care of. Now, to keep them from actually managing to challenge Luffy.
I plastered the most murderous expression on my face as I could manage as I stalked up to them, cocking Lassoo menacingly. "That was Cani-Plaster," I announced. "Unless you three want to see how well that particular attack synergizes with Cani-Palm—"
Lassoo's body promptly clicked, and he breathed out a tongue of fire, courtesy of the Flame Dial Usopp had recently finished installing in one of his chambers.
"—I suggest that you all back the heck off!"
Lassoo capped it all off with a savage growl, which I was gratified to see made the opposing crew flinch back.
"Hey, what was that for, Cross?!" Vivi demanded, approaching me rapidly on Duckback, Chopper in Walk Point alongside her and Luffy and Usopp close behind them.
"INDEED!" the split-headed pirate snarled in a heavy Italian accent as he struggled to wipe the tar off. "What ze hell did I do to deserve this!?"
"YOU MEAN BESIDES THE FACT that you were about to SHOOT SHELLY!?" Soundbite snarled viciously.
"He was what!?" Chopper roared as he snapped into his Heavy Point and loomed over the suddenly fearful slow-man, only for the much bigger gorilla-man Hamburg to square off and butt heads with him.
"Stay away from the boss, furball," he growled, more serious than I thought was possible from him.
"Who are these guys, Cross?" Usopp asked, nervously fingering his slingshot.
"Who am I?!" Foxy demanded incredulously. "You actually don't recognize me?"
"It's probably just the tar, boss," Porche consoled him. Foxy nodded to that and then straightened.
"Well, in that case, I suppose I'll introduce myself!" he said with a smug pose. "I am Foxy the Silver Fox, ฿24 million bounty, Captain of the Foxy Pirates! I am the man who always gets what he wants!"
I slowly lessened my glare in favour of a disbelieving look. "Only ฿24 million, in the Grand Line? Eesh, and I thought you were pathetic before."
Foxy promptly collapsed into a teary heap, a stormcloud-like air of depression hovering over him. "Pathetic?" he moaned.
"Pupupupu!" Hamburg hunched over with a snicker.
"QUIT IT, HAMBURG!" Porche snarled at him before patting her captain's shoulder comfortingly. "Aw, c'mon, Boss, it's not that bad! I mean, he has heard of you before, right?"
Foxy started to perk up—
"God knows I wish I didn't."
Until I threw in my own two cents.
"I WILL LODGE MY BATON IN YOUR INTESTINAL TRACT!" the Foxy Pirates' diva promised.
"Why were you trying to shoot Shelly?" Luffy cut in with a frown before I could respond.
Unfortunately, that question managed to snap Foxy out of his funk, prompting him to leap to his feet and jab his thumb at himself as he gave the definition of a shit-eating grin. "Because I felt like it, of course," he drawled. "I don't care about such a worthless horse. I was just going to shoot it for fun."
I felt my eye twitch at the sheer wrongness of that statement. "Permission to cleanse the world of this scum, Captain?" I growled, prompting Lassoo to snarl out some flames again.
"H-Hold it right there, Straw Hat Pirates!" Foxy barked.
"Wha—? How do you know who we are?" Luffy demanded.
I pinched the bridge of my nose with my free hand. "The SBS, Luffy. It'd be more of a surprise if they didn't know who we were."
"Oooooh, alright," Luffy nodded in understanding.
"And what right do you have to call us scum, anyway?" Porche demanded. "You're pirates just as much as we are. This is just what pirates do!"
I would have gotten pissed at that particular statement if my blood didn't suddenly freeze on account of the feeling of raw, primal terror that Luffy's sudden rage elicited. "SAY THAT AGAIN!" he bellowed as he took a menacing step forward.
"HOLD IT, STRAWHAT!" Foxy snapped his hand up, temporarily forestalling Luffy's advance. "We're not here to fight! Rather…" The splithead dove his hands into his pocket, and when he withdrew them, he was clutching a trio of coins with one, while the other tossed a pistol at Luffy. "WE ARE HERE TO CHALLENGE YOU TO A THREE-ROUND DAVY BACK FIGHT!"
All the anger in Luffy seemed to deflate out of him, replaced by confusion, while Usopp, Vivi and Carue's expressions slowly began to contort in realization and horror. "A Davy—?"
"There are pirates who still play that in the Grand Line!?" Vivi gasped in horror.
"CWAP!" Carue squawked in agreement.
"DON'T DO IT, LUFFY!" Usopp begged desperately. "IF WE PLAY THAT GAME, THEN WE COULD LOSE OUR FRIENDS!"
"He's right, Luffy, this game—!" I started to cut in.
"Will there be a Captain's Fight?" Luffy asked, all traces of his usual good cheer completely gone as he pinned Foxy with a vicious glare.
I froze as the question caught me completely flat-footed. "Wai—What!?" I yelped in confusion.
"But of course." Foxy's sneer widened significantly. "After all, it's only traditional."
Luffy promptly aimed the pistol skyward. "Then I'm in."
"Nonono, Luffy, wai—!"
"Then let the Davy Back Fight," Foxy barked victoriously as he whipped out his own pistol and mirrored Luffy. "COMMENCE!"
BANG!
My heart dropped as both he and Luffy discharged their pistols, thus irreversibly sealing our fates. The horror lasted only for a moment before I took the appropriate course of action, Vivi and Usopp both mirroring my movements.
"YOU IDIOT!" we yelled, slamming our fists into his head with enough force to bury it in the ground. I then grasped my fist with my other hand as it processed the pain as though I had punched iron rather than rubber.
"Gah… Usopp, what's the status on my new armour?" I grit out.
"You know, I was going to have it finished in a day, but I think I'll make it my top priority in light of this," Usopp grumbled as Luffy tried to unstick his head.
"Fehfehfehfehfeh!" Foxy cackled. "This should bolster our crew quite nicely, I'd say."
"Don't count on it, split-head," I growled, causing Foxy to sink back into depression. At that moment, Luffy freed his head and looked at our expressions.
"What is it, you guys?" he asked obliviously.
I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. "Soundbite? Gastro-Scramble."
"Roger roger," he returned before static filled the air. The next instant, I began tearing into Luffy.
"YOU COMPLETE IDIOT! WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP TO LISTEN TO WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY?! DAVY BACK FIGHTS FORCE CAPTAINS TO GAMBLE THEIR CREWS! EVERY GAME WE LOSE, ONE OF OUR CREWMATES GETS STOLEN!" I roared.
Luffy frowned up at me. "Yeah, I already knew that."
"YOU—!" I started to snarl before freezing as I processed his words. "Wait, you what!?"
"I know what a Davy Back Fight is," Luffy repeated casually. "Shanks told me about 'em back in my hometown. There are some bits I don't remember that well, but I know what it's all about."
My rage was subdued for the moment as part of my mind blanked, trying desperately to process what I was hearing. "But-But in the story—!?"
"Weeell…" Luffy scratched the side of his head with a smile. "You keep saying I should use my brain more, so I've been trying to do that. One of the things I've been doing is trying to remember anything Gramps and Shanks told me about the Grand Line."
My jaw dropped open as a wave of horror crashed down over me, but then I froze as I felt a number of murderous gazes drilling into me. I hastily swung around and waved my hands at my very pissed-off crewmates. "Hey, hey, hey, don't blame me! How could I have possibly seen this coming?! In what possible way could I have predicted that a smarter Luffy would have been a worse Luffy!?"
"You mean besides EVERY MARY-SUE FIC ever?" Soundbite muttered sarcastically.
"That is a literary issue, not a realistic one!" I hissed back, then turned my attention back to Luffy. "Anyway, you really misjudged things this time! Think about it, Luffy: Foxy knew who we were, he's been listening to the SBS, so he knows what you're capable of, and yet he willingly challenged us, even in spite of the fact that you specifically asked for a direct fight with him! Do you know why he'd do that?"
Luffy blinked in confusion. "Ah… because he's an idiot?"
"That's a given, but no," I growled darkly. "He challenged us because he's got more up his sleeves than mere brawn. Luffy, the Foxy Pirates are tricksters. They've mastered the Davy Back Fight and come up with a million and one different ways of forcibly tipping the odds in their own favour. This isn't a battle we can win with might, but rather with wits, and they have way more practice at it than we do!"
Vivi paled in horror. "T-That's really not a good thing, Luffy! Baroque Works used to pull the exact same thing in order to forcibly gain recruits!" She cast a wary glance at a patiently waiting Foxy. "And if these guys have even more practice at it…"
"So, you see, Luffy," I growled darkly. "You've managed to hold us above a barrel here, which only begs one question: what the hell made you think it was even remotely worth it to accept his challenge?"
Luffy stared up at us silently for a moment before bowing his head and tilting his hat down over his eyes. "… Because I remember that Shanks said that the Davy Back Fight usually ends with a fight between the captains of the two crews…"
Luffy suddenly glanced up, and the look in his eyes… well, any protests that I had died then and there. "And I want to kick that bastard's ass for pretending to be a pirate!"
We stared at him, the fire in his eyes blazing for a few more seconds before he grinned. "Besides, you guys are my crew! I know you can handle it!" he said cheerfully.
I sighed, unable to keep myself from smiling. "One compliment, and he has us hook, line, and sinker," I groused.
"Yep," chorused everyone else.
"Alright…" I scratched my head for a moment before glancing at Luffy. "Captain, permission to tell the crew what to expect? I mean, one slip-up here, and the consequences are worse than death."
"Huh? Uh… OK, Cross, go ahead," Luffy conceded with a frown. "But don't tell me anything about split-head unless you really think I have to know it."
"Nah, you'll find out the only dangerous thing he has up his sleeve long before you fight him," I waved him off. I then directed a glare at Foxy, who was staring at us with clear impatience at being unable to hear our conversation. "For now… let's get back to the Merry and get this shitshow started. We've got some planning to take care of." I then tensed as a horrific realization hit me like a rock. "And… a storm to weather."
---
When we returned to the Merry, I had explained the situation, and with the fact that they knew about the Davy Back Fight and the fact that Foxy's crew was worse, it went without saying that Nami subsequently raged at Luffy. And by 'raged', I mean 'whipped up a miniature Category 5 Typhoon on the coast of Long Ring Long Island from scratch'… though thankfully, she'd withheld her unholy wrath until after I'd finished explaining the ins and outs of the ordeal we were in for.
And that had not been an easy conversation to have. Needless to say, Zoro and Sanji being told that they had to work together caused no end of frustration, but the potential threat of losing one of the ladies or, as in canon, Chopper was enough for them to agree to work together from the game's start to its end. As for the Donut Race, Nami staying onboard was non-negotiable due to the Long Cape's whirlpools, but as for the rest of the crew, I had a few ideas she was rather more amenable to.
Which brought me to the present, where I was standing beside Itomimizu of the Foxy Pirates on the central stage, he and Foxy both eagerly allowing me to join in emceeing the proceedings. Proceedings which were currently being delayed because of the, to reiterate, miniature typhoon that was going to town on the captain of my crew. And may I just add that she was using her Clima-Tact before it could be called more than Semi-Perfect?
"You know, your SBS really doesn't do justice to how scary that woman is," my fellow announcer murmured fearfully.
"You think that this is bad?" I scoffed. "Please, you're watching from the sideline. Trust me, she's a lot worse when she's bearing down on you directly."
Itomimizu started to nod before hastily dropping to the ground as a ballistic Luffy tore through the space where his torso had been a moment earlier. "…I'll take your word for it," he whimpered.
"Finally!" Foxy barked, grabbing Luffy and standing him up properly. "Geeze, how do you lunatics get anything done!?"
"Very patiently," I sneered.
"Hmph," the fox-themed pirate snorted before waving his hand. "Well, my patience is at an end. Let's get this show on the road!"
I gave Luffy a pleading look. "Do I have to?"
"Shishishi! Heck yeah!" Luffy said, grinning like a… well, a D. "This is gonna be fun! No reason the world should miss out, right?"
I rolled my eyes, my mouth a thin line. "Right, 'fun'. That's one word for it…" Nevertheless, despite my attitude, I jerked the transceiver mike out of its cradle and started ticking down fingers. "Alright, in five, four, three, two and we are live!" I promptly flipped my mood, making it much cheerier. "Hello, world! Once again, it's that special time! Time for me—!"
"TO START THE SBS!"
"GAH!" I leapt almost three feet off the ground at the sudden amplified voice before spinning around to catch sight of Itomimizu and his own snail snickering behind me.
"I've always wanted to do that!" the big-mouthed announcer laughed.
I ground my teeth as I clawed my hand down my face. "Why does the world seem determined to stop me from starting the SBS?!" I demanded.
"WHY does the world seem DETERMINED to stop me from STOPPING CROSS FROM STARTING THE SBS?!" Soundbite barked with as much heat.
"Honestly? Because it's fun!" he grinned carelessly.
I glared at him for a second before blowing out an exasperated sigh. "Viewers, allow me to introduce you to my fellow emcee for this broadcast. Uh, how do you say your name again?"
"Itomimizu," he said tiredly, clearly having had to correct that multiple times. "Announcer and commentator for the Foxy Pirates. Hello, world! I'm honored to say that this is the largest audience I've ever had the chance to speak to!" He capped it off with a bow.
"And why does he have this chance? Because of a deplorable and utterly unwarranted offence on the part of the Foxy Pirates' Captain, Foxy the Silver Fox—" I cast a glower at the split-head, to which he responded with a sneer. "—our captain has accepted the challenge of a three-round Davy Back Fight. For those unaware, this is a game designed for pirates and by pirates to strengthen their crews. Three basic rules apply: after each round, the winning crew's captain gets to select one member from the opposing crew to join theirs, or else take their Jolly Roger, and while this might not seem so bad, one must remember that the Jolly Roger is the pride of a ship: if it is lost, then that symbol may never be flown again. And finally, any lost crewmates or flags can be reclaimed only through a Davy Back Fight or through some form of exorbitant circumstances, though those are few and far between.
"I should clarify right now that our captain accepted this for two reasons: to get back at Foxy for the aforementioned offence, and because he has complete faith in his crew—
"THAT'S US!" Soundbite piped up.
"—to get through these challenges. And, well…" I let myself smile. "How could we object to a show of faith like that?" I promptly dropped my smile into a scowl. "Though honestly, I really wish he'd just chosen to beat the split-head's face in then and there." I was gratified to see that my comment sent Foxy spiralling to his knees in misery. "This game is still a hell of a risk, and because we're staking our pride on it, that means that if we get taken, either we stick with these bastards until the end or we butt out of the pirate life forever, and I don't know which is worse! I mean, c'mon!" I waved my hand desperately. "Who the hell thought that this game was a good idea anyway!?"
"I'D LIKE to know that—Dot dot dot dot!—too! OOH, LUCKY US! WE'RE GETTING AN ANSWER NOW!"
"Or maybe it's just someone calling in to insult us. Either way, you're live on the SBS!"
"Gurararara, glad to be here," boomed a chuckle on the other end that I instantly recognized. My entire body froze up, and I noticed that a significant portion of onlookers—Zoro, Sanji, and Robin included—seemed petrified in shock.
"Now, then, let me educate you, brat," the voice on the other end stated. "The Back Fight was started so that the stronger pirates in the world could bolster their crews without active bloodshed, and it's been in use for decades, even before Roger got his crown. And nowadays, Linlin and Kaido tend to use it in place of open warfare, both so as to avoid ripping the New World to shreds and so that neither of them is left vulnerable for the Marines and Warlords. Of course, considering the sheer scales of their operations, they stake whole crews at a time instead of just one person. Personally, I'd rather die than risk losing one of my sons, no matter how confident I am in their capabilities, and that Red-Haired brat is the same. But even though I don't play it, I can appreciate an alternative to just blowing each other's brains out. Got it?"
"…Yeah, that… that makes sense," I croaked weakly, only just managing to get my voice to work.
"Gurarararara! I thought you were bolder than this, brat. You didn't hesitate to provoke a Warlord, or to insult my alcohol tolerance. What happened to all that bravado?"
My gut slowly began to boil as a manic grin spread across my face. "Fine, then. You want bravado, old man? How's thi—MMPH!" I was cut off by a disembodied hand clamping over my mouth.
A glance at Robin showed her mouthing 'I will end you' with the utmost sincerity.
"Mmph…" I grumbled for a second before nodding, prompting her to release me. "Tsk. Apparently, my crewmates don't appreciate the value of impressing someone like you. Well, if nothing else, let me say this: thanks for what you did for…" I trailed off, unable to find a way to say it without giving too much away. "Look, you're a smart man, and I'm sure he never shut up about the lovable moron, so I trust you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, he was in a dark place, and you gave him something he was looking for his entire life, and I…" I glanced at Luffy, who promptly smiled and nodded eagerly. "And we really appreciate it."
"Gurararara. It's my pleasure, I assure you. By the way, I have a message for you as well. Or at least, to be delivered through your broadcast."
I started to utter my agreement before freezing as a thought struck me, followed by another scowl. At this rate, I was going to have frown lines at thirty. "Considering how this broadcast is truly global, I'm certain that he would never miss it for the world? Better make that two messages."
"…feh, who the hell says you aren't smart, brat. Alright, then… First, to my idiot wayward son… it doesn't matter to me what you do or when you come back, only that you do so alive." He let it hang there, and Luffy's grin could have split his face. Then the man on the other end spoke again. "And you."
Shudders came from the entire crowd; that one word carried the message perfectly clearly. A few seconds of perfect silence followed.
"Well, I've said enough. But one more thing: Monkey D. Luffy. I heard once that the chances of you accepting an invitation to become one of my sons were as likely as me swearing off alcohol. Why would that be?"
"Shishishi! That's easy: because I can't have a captain! After all, being the King of the Pirates means being on top!" he declared with perfect certainty.
I allowed a goofy grin to spread over my face for a second. Man, it didn't matter how many times he said it, but that wave of fact just never ever got old.
"…GURARARARARA!" the man talking through the snail bellowed. "Cheeky brat… but if you didn't have enough conviction to say it to me, much less the rest of the world, then you may as well have just given up now." He grinned. "See you in the New World."
"See you there, old man!" Luffy chortled. Then, as Soundbite let out a 'KA-LICK!', the most interesting caller the SBS had had to date disconnected.
"… I chose the right man to follow as my captain," Zoro said with a bestial grin.
"I both agree and vehemently beg to differ, Roronoa," Robin breathed numbly.
"… I never thought I'd see the day where I'd agree with Mosshead over Robin-chwan, but here it is," Sanji said, swiftly incinerating a cigarette to calm his nerves.
Foxy, for his part, was doing his best impression of an ice sculpture: pale as a ghost and completely unmoving. I smirked smugly before speaking loudly and clearly. "What's the matter, Foxy? Do you not have enough conviction to outright challenge Edward 'How the heck is he not a D.' Newgate? Or, as the world better knows him… Whitebeard?"
Every single member of the crews that had not realized who was speaking then reacted accordingly. Several members fainted, some going as far as foaming at the mouth, others settled for letting their jaws drop to the ground in shock, and the vast majority belted out particularly boisterous 'WHAT!'s.
Conis, for her part, looked at a yet-shellshocked Nami. "Is he meant to be important?"
Nami snapped her gaze to Conis in shock. "How do you not—!?" She cut herself off with a slap to her forehead. "Right, cultural segregation. Whitebeard is one of the four most powerful people on the planet; he is to us what Enel was to you."
That got Conis to pale in terror, while Su sniffed carelessly. "He didn't seem that impressive."
"Care to repeat that, furball?"
"AGH!" Su yowled as she latched herself onto Conis's shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Mister Whitebeard, sir, please don't—huh?" She cut herself off before snarling and glaring daggers at a cackling Soundbite. "OH, SCREW YOU, SLIMEBALL!"
"SCREW YOU, FURBALL, that was funny!" Soundbite howled. I would have voiced my agreement with the gastropod, but I was too busy pounding the ground, laughing my own head off.
"Hey, split-head! Hellooooo?" Luffy said, waving his hand in the petrified fox's face. He remained unresponsive.
Slowly getting to my feet, I sighed, securing my headphones over my ears. "Foxy seems to have been literally stunned with shock. Well, only one thing for it, then; we can't keep everyone waiting for too long. Ladies and gentlemen of the world, I would recommend covering your ears. This is gonna hurt."
I waited for all of one second before pressing the button.
BWAAAAAAAAAH!
I snickered at the chorus of agonized cries that arose in response to the blare. "I love this thing…"
"WE KNOW!" the whole of the crowd roared furiously.
Despite everyone's indignation, the foghorn had done its job, and Foxy was looking every which way before his eyes settled on me, and he frowned. I, however, spoke before he could. "Now, if you're done playing a statue, can we get this started?" I demanded.
Foxy levelled a glare at me for a minute longer before huffing and folding his arms. "Yes, we've delayed this long enough. Itomimizu!" he called, pronouncing the name flawlessly.
"Aye-aye, Captain!" The big-mouth snapped up a salute before addressing the mic I was holding. "Alright! The captains will now vow to the three articles of defeat! First, any crewmates claimed by the game may only be reclaimed through the game." He gave me a pointed look, which I responded to by sticking out my tongue in a very mature manner. "Second, once a crewmate has been claimed, they must immediately swear their allegiance to their new captain! And third, a stolen flag may never be displayed again unless reclaimed through the game! Those who disobey these rules will forevermore be viewed as disgraces to piracy, and will be sentenced to Davy Jones' locker for all eternity! And considering the size of our audience this time, that really means something! So!" He shot a grin at our captains. "Do you so swear by these articles?"
Foxy grinned confidently. "I swear."
I gave Luffy a final pleading look. Luffy, in turn, gave me a cocky thumbs-up before shooting his fist in the air. "I swear!"
I sighed in defeat as Foxy's crew cheered victoriously before shrugging and grinning in a bittersweet manner. "Well, in for a beri, in for them all. Might as well go whole hog!" I dug around in my pocket for a second before drawing out three ฿1 coins and holding them up for all to see. "As in accordance with tradition, I hereby dedicate these coins, and thus this three coin game—" I flung my arm out, tossing the coins into the churning surf. "—TO DAVY JONES! LET THE DAVY BACK FIGHT COMMENCE!"
"That's the spirit, Cross!" Luffy grinned. I sighed, smiling, before walking back to the rest of our crew with Luffy.
"Why, exactly, do you deem it a good idea to throw money away?" Nami asked as soon as I was in earshot, glowering at me.
"Why, exactly, do you deem it worth noting that I threw away ฿3 when we have a couple billion on the Merry?" I countered.
She grimaced for a few more seconds before sighing in defeat. "Point taken." She then proceeded to cave Luffy's face in once more for good measure before storming off. The rest of the crew locked eyes with me before nodding and walking off, pointedly in any direction but towards Nami.
As I walked, I smirked; Foxy may have had every dirty trick in the book up his sleeve to push the rules to the breaking point, but a bit of warning on my part was all that the crew needed to combat the worst of it. I wasn't above suspicion that they might do things differently than they had in the story, but the three games were the same, and that was enough. For all that I dreaded this, I knew that we would win.
It was with those cheery thoughts that I walked towards Itomimizu, who was preparing to mount his bird. "Say, can he support both of us?"
"Hmm? Oh! Um… can you, Chuchun?"
The bird nodded. "Chi—should be able to—huh?!" He whipped his wings to his beak with a squawk.
I raised an eyebrow at Soundbite. "Al Roker?"
"He's helping to REPORT, right?"
I shrugged. "Eh, fair enough. Well, Chuchun, I hope you enjoy being able to speak for the duration of this game."
The bird looked like his birthday had come early. "Thanks, guys! I'll never eat a snail again!"
"You have no idea how much of a relief that is…" the snail at Itomimizu's side muttered.
"Transponder Snails don't count, and you know it, Chubby!"
"HEY!" Soundbite barked.
"Actually, that is what I call him," Itomimizu confirmed.
"And I do tend to pig out on the pudding," Chubby admitted.
"Withdrawn… for now."
"Well, anyway!" Chuchun flapped his wings. "If there's nothing else to discuss, then let's get to it!"
Soundbite and I grinned in synch as I mounted Chuchun, taking care that Soundbite and my bag were secure before the bird took to the sky.
And I have to admit, I lost a lot of my anxiety for the next few minutes while circling around, waiting for the Donut Race to begin. I mean, I was flying, for crying out loud, in a way that actually let me take in the sights below without zooming past them! Seeing the world from this high up? It was enough to make me consider—and I mean seriously consider, given the resources we had on hand—asking Usopp to try building a jetpack.
Ultimately, however, I decided that it would be best to shelve the idea. While Usopp's inventing streak so far had been holding up pretty well, I didn't want to risk falling into that 1% error rate. And besides, we'd be meeting up with someone a lot more capable of developing that particular innovation sooner rather than later.
Alas, however, my enjoyment came to an abrupt end as Itomimizu began speaking again. "Alright, everyone! Round One of the Davy Back Fight is the obstacle boat race around the island, known as the Donut Race! Both teams have received two oars and three barrels with which to construct their vessels. The materials are identical and have been inspected by both crews, so each boat's performance is guaranteed to depend entirely on the teams' skills and their shipwrights! The teams and their boats are ready and waiting at the starting line, so let's introduce them!"
"Right," I nodded in agreement. "On the Straw Hat Pirates' team, we have our navigator Nami, mistress of all things weather-based; one of our five ship's guards, Raphey, the sai-wielding Kung Fu Dugong lad-ette; and our gunner Conis, the bazooka-wielder from the sky! And their boat's name is… the Barrel Tigress!"
"GIRL POWER!" Raphey cheered, pumping her fist in the air as she balanced on the lip of her vessel.
"I'd feel a lot more confident if this thing didn't feel like it was about to come apart under us…" Nami muttered darkly as she rapped her fist on a seam in the boat.
"Sorry, but Usopp and I only had a few minutes to set this up, and my father and I only rarely worked on Wavers, so it was new territory for me," Conis apologized from the back of the boat, which was mostly occupied by the Flame Bazooka she was carrying.
"And on the Foxy Pirates' team," Itomimizu continued. "Is our crew's diva and co-first-mate, Porche! Accompanying her are Capote the billfish fishman and Monda the star shark! Their ship is the Cutie Wagon!"
Porche responded to the resulting cheers by blowing kisses to the crowd and waving eagerly, while Monda and Capote flexed and grandstanded proudly.
"Personally, I might call it unfair that they've got a fishman and a shark on their team, but considering that we've got an amphibian on ours? Yeah, no room to complain."
"NOT TO MENTION an angel AND a demon!" Soundbite put in.
"I WILL GUT YOU, SNAIL!" Nami roared up at us.
"HA! All's fair in love, war, and Davy Back Fights, so long as it doesn't go outside the rules!" my fellow announcer said cheerfully. "And on that note, with both ships at the starting line, let me state just what those rules are! All you need to do is circle the island once; the first ship to make it back to the starting line wins! Beyond that, anything goes; guns, swords, cannons, and all other weapons are allowed! If you don't like it, then you shouldn't be pirates!" He then tossed a pair of objects down towards the ships. "Here! Use these Eternal Poses so you don't get lost!"
Porche and Nami caught the poses easily, and both vessels prepared to go, with Raphey standing ready on the prow of the Barrel Tigress and Monda eagerly swishing his tail in place.
"And if you're wondering just why they'll need those Poses when they just need to circle the island, you'll find out in a moment," I provided with a smirk. "But for now, it's time to start! Racers! On your marks!"
"Get set…" Itomimizu said, raising a pistol.
"Gastro-Scramble," I breathed with a smirk that Soundbite mirrored precisely.
"DONUT!"
The pistol fired, and it echoed everywhere beneath… except to the Foxy Pirates waiting on the coastline with weapons at the ready. Before they knew what hit them, the majority of our crew fell on them like a ton of bricks, beating them all bloody before they could fire so much as a shot.
However, just because the Foxy's were out of commission didn't mean that all projectiles were left unfired.
The second the pistol shot rang out, Raphey leapt at the Cutie Wagon like a bat out of hell, flinging a sai at Monda's harness. "SPEAR OF ST. GEORGE!"
Porche recoiled in terror as the weapon neatly severed the tow rope tying the shark to her vessel. "What the—!?"
"EAT SHELL, YOU TRAP-JAWED—!" THWACK! "GAH!" Raphey's battle cry was cut short as she was tackled out of the air before she could successfully make contact with the terrified star shark.
"Nice try, little dugong," Capote sneered at the patch of bubbles that marked where he'd swatted Raphey into the water. "But this is the Grand Line, not the backwater estuary you grew up in. You might be big stuff back home, but out here, you're no—"
"WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY!?"
CRACK!
"GAH!" Capote was slammed off of his crew's vessel by Raphey, rocketing out of the water directly beneath him and slamming her armoured skull into his far less well-protected nose.
The pink-bandanna'd dugong snorted darkly as she wrenched her sai out of the wood of the Cutie Wagon. "Talk is cheap, needlenose." She held her weapons at the ready. "Come at me."
A moment of silence, two…
SPLASH!
Then Raphey only just barely managed to catch a point-blank punch from the enraged fishman with her sais.
The dugong struggled to hold Capote at bay for a second before snapping a look back at the Tigress. "GO! THIS BASTARD'S MINE!" And with that, the aquatic martial artists dove beneath the waves and continued their clash out of sight in their natural domain.
"Conis!" Nami barked at the gunner.
Conis's nervous demeanour promptly evaporated. In one smooth motion, she hoisted her bazooka off her back, lowered the muzzle to the edge of the waterline and pulled the triggers. The gas came out first, and then—
WHOOSH!
A jet of blue flame rocketed the Barrel Tigress down the coast.
Foxy stared numbly after them for a second before pulling out a megaphone and roaring at his crew's representative. "PORCHE! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME AND GET A MOVE ON ALREADY! IF WE LOSE THIS, I'M SLICING YOUR COSMETIC BUDGET IN HALF!"
The stunned baton-wielder promptly snapped out of her funk with an enraged howl. "NOBODY JEOPARDIZES MY BEAUTY!" She promptly flung a chain-linked bit at Monda, who grabbed it out of the air. "DOUBLETIME, MONDA, NOW!"
The shark snorted in agreement and promptly started tearing through the surf, somehow managing to keep an easy pace with the Barrel Tigress.
"Aaaaand they're off!" I crowed, the effect amplified with Soundbite's assistance. "The shark-towed Cutie Wagon and the bazooka-powered Barrel Tigress are tearing off down the coast, although both vessels are a man down due to Raphey and Capote getting into an aqua-Martial Arts brawl right at the starting line!"
"Yeeesss…" Itomimizu drew the word out slowly as he glanced at me. "That start was really something. It's almost as if you constructed that team knowing who we'd have on ours."
"Yeah, how could that ever happen?" I drawled impishly. "I mean, it's not like we could have been listening in on your strategy meetings. Oh, wait!"
"All's fair in love, war, and Davy Back Fights!" Soundbite echoed with a cackle.
"Well, can't argue with that!" Itomimizu waved us off. "Anyway, the two teams are neck and neck! Both of them are moving faster than I've ever seen for the Donut Race; they're already a quarter of the way around the island!"
"As it stands, the Barrel Tigress is ahead… but somehow the Cutie Wagon is keeping pace!?" I blinked in shock as I took in the nonsensical sight before me. "The heck? How is a relatively small shark keeping pace with a boat powered by an outboard-thruster!?"
The wide-mouthed announcer snickered at my reaction. "Yeah, Monda might be small, but his species is known by another name: shooting star sharks! They're some of the fastest sharks in the ocean, and without Capote's weight to hold him back, he's really showing his stuff!
"Well… I can't say that I'm not impressed," I reluctantly admitted.
And indeed, it was quite the impressive race. Within mere minutes, both barrel boats had reached the halfway point and were heading into the whirlpools.
"Incredible!" Itomimizu cheered. "This is one of the most intense Donut Races I've ever seen! Already, the contestants have reached the halfway point and are heading into the whirlpools of the Long Coral Reef! They'll need to be extra careful navigating it, because the currents formed by that reef can be treacherous!"
I glanced at my fellow announcer. "You guys have been scoping out the playing field, huh?"
"But of course!" Chuchun nodded. "You should know more about gathering as much information as possible before a confrontation than anyone!"
"Eh, good point, good point," I conceded, tilting my head before smirking at the new developments going on below. "In fact, I think that that particular principle is coming into play right about now."
"Huh?" Itomimizu looked down at the race in confusion, then gasped in shock. "A shocking development! The Barrel Tigress's propulsion has just cut out, allowing the Cutie Wagon to pass them and enter the Reef! Perhaps they're having some mechanical issues?" His grin then redoubled… somehow. "And it looks like their troubles are only beginning! Here comes our Boss, Foxy the Silver Fox, no doubt bearing a genius plan through which to give us an edge!"
"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that~!" I sang casually. I then blinked in surprise as I paid better attention to the captain of the Foxy Pirates. Or rather, his steed. "Though, wow, now that I think about it, that Hamburg guy he's riding on is seriously moving. Is… Is he even human?"
"That's the multi-million berry question on our crew!" Itomimizu proclaimed before continuing in a normal tone. "No, seriously, that's how big the ship's pool is, we have literally no idea, and neither the Boss nor Porche are answering, and they're the only ones who know! You want in? The buy-in's only a few hundred beri."
"I'll take that action!" Soundbite snickered.
"Let's put a pin in that for now," I interrupted as I kept my gaze focused down below. "Because, quite honestly? It would appear that you and your crew have bigger concerns to worry about." I let a shark-like grin slide over my face. "Liiike the fact that the Cutie Wagon just shot out of the Reef like a cork from a bottle, meanwhile the Barrel Tigress is once again firing on all cylinders?"
"WHAT!?" Ito and his bird squawked simultaneously as they stared downwards, where indeed Porche and Monda were trying to enter the reef, and failing miserably. Meanwhile, Conis's Flame Bazooka had flared back up and propelled the Barrel Tigress into a different section of the Reef. Of course, Foxy chose that exact instant to attempt to interfere by firing an impressively powerful smoke bomb… which wound up doing precisely jack squat.
"W-What in the world!?" Itomimizu stammered as he watched the Tigress exit the cloud and effortlessly circumvent the towers of coral. "Somehow, the Strawhats' team is managing to sail through the Coral Reef without even a hint of trouble! How is this possible!?"
"Hehehe," I chuckled smugly as I stroked a nonexistent beard. "It appears that I must apologize, Itomimizu, for it would seem that my earlier comments were, shall we say, misleading? When the race started, I classified Nami as merely a mistress of weather, when in fact that statement is categorically untrue." I jabbed my finger at the sky in a triumphant manner. "Rather, our dear money-grubbing demon Nami is the absolute ruler of all things related to navigation as a whole, be they heaven, earth or sea! It would take more than a mere collection of currents to put her off her game!"
"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Nami cheered from below, aided by Soundbite.
Itomimizu's gaping jaw flapped uselessly for several seconds, with quiet gurgling noises coming from his mouth. However, he managed to rally rather swiftly. "Well, while your navigator is admittedly impressive, I'm afraid that her skills can only go so far! After all, it'll take more than mere wits to overcome an obstacle as daunting and deep as the Long Ring Whirlpool!"
And indeed, the Barrel Tigress was now rocketing towards the yawning (not to mention oddly shaped; seriously, the animals being laid back is one thing, but nature itself!?) abyss of the titanic whirlpool.
I, however, refused to lose even a trace of my smugness, instead shaking my head as I tsked pitifully. "Oh, Ito, Ito, Ito… have you not listened to a single broadcast of my show? Intellect is far from the leading aspect of our crew! Rather…" I held up a finger. "Our main area of expertise lies in the field of practical insanity, or! In more common parlance…" My grin widened eagerly. "Applied. Bullshit."
BOOM!
And with that, the water behind the Barrel Tigress exploded, launching it clear over not only the Long Ring Whirlpool, but the barrier of the Long Ring Cape that lay behind it as well.
I snickered as I dusted my hands off, enjoying the absolutely poleaxed expression Itomimizu was wearing at seeing the Impact Dial's result. "And that is what sets us head and shoulders above other pirate crews. For you viewers at home, I am proud to announce that the Barrel Tigress has managed to achieve a most momentous lead via the application of a little Sky Island party favour. For the sake of future combat, I won't go into details, but suffice to say that it managed to launch our crewmates past not only the whirlpool that lay ahead of them, but a rather obtrusive cape as well! Major kudos to Conis for the rather impressive maneuver!"
Soundbite started to nod in agreement before freezing, a shocked look painting his face. "Ah… actually… that wasn't CONIS."
"Huh?" I looked at him in surprise. "Really? But then who…" I trailed off as realization came to me. "Wait, but wouldn't that mean—? You can't be serious!"
"LISTEN FOR YOURSELF! Though for the record, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED."
I hastily slipped my headphones on, and not a moment too soon, either.
"SON OF A—!"
---
"Hey, cut it out, Nojiko, what are you doing?" Chabo demanded indignantly, trying to squirm out of the blue-haired woman's grasp. The said woman had her hands clamped over the boy's ears, ignoring his demands in favour of grimacing at the fact that her sister was currently swearing her dirty mouth off to the entire. Freaking. World. Well, at least Soundbite was censoring the worst of it… sort of.
"—BLUE-HORNED MOTHER—HONK!—ING BARNACLE-BRED PIECE OF—HEE-HAW!—WRAPPED IN A PILE OF STEAMING—DING!—AND REEKING OF SEA KING—YO-DEL-AY-HEE-HOO!—"
"Damn it, and Dr. Nako just said that Genzo's blood pressure got back in the green…" Nojiko groaned.
Just once, just once, could her dear sister think of their poor old foster father before she acted!?