"—AND IT WILL BE BY FAR THE MOST DELICIOUS AND SATISFYING SALAD THAT I WILL EVER EAT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!"
"…so glad that I can't be sued for all of this," I breathed as I finally unlatched my earphones from my head. "So glad."
"HAMBURG, GET UP!"
I cast my eyes downwards and found that Hamburg was currently incapable of acting as a steed on account of how he was too busy rolling on the ground, laughing his head off as a result of what had just happened. Further application of Soundbite's skills revealed that he wasn't alone; back at the fairgrounds, almost a third of the Foxy Pirates were laughing, as were Mikey and Su, if nobody else on our crew.
"Nami-swan is so beautiful when she's incoherently furious!" Sanji cried over the uproar that we could hear via the Transponder Snails set up over there.
I rolled my eyes, practically capable of hearing the inevitable jab from Zoro as I directed my attention back to the Tigress. "Alright, now, Nami, if you're quite done, would you care to explain why the hell you did that? You knew about the recoil from that thing!"
"Trust me, that's the last time I'm ever doing it, that's for damn sure, or at least the last time I grab one after the Dugongs have gotten through using it for target practice," Nami fumed for a second before sighing, a lot of the rage in her voice fading away. "But, to answer your question, Cross… I just wanted to pull my weight a bit more. Yeah, I'm proud of my navigational abilities and all that, but Raphey's still fighting that Fishman and Conis is using her Bazooka, so compared to that, doing what I do every day doesn't feel like much. I just… wanted to make a bit more of an impact, is all."
"Well, you certainly made an impact on the Foxy Pirates," Su offered. "And the water… and your arm."
"You do still have a full range of motion, right?" Chopper tacked in nervously.
"Ergh, it hurts like hellfire, but yeah…"
"Well, at least that's something," Chopper sighed in relief before becoming more serious. "Still, don't scare me like that! I tried one of those things out myself in my Heavy Point, and I can tell you now that without some serious muscle development, you run the risk of muscular and skeletal damage, and all for nothing!"
"Yeah, Nami, you do more than enough on the crew!" Luffy concurred eagerly. "You keep us floating and going the right way, remember?"
"And you've wrangled the idiots of this crew more times than I can count," Vivi added.
"To add to that one, if what you feel every day is anything like what I felt when Tonjit fell on me, trust me, that you haven't tried to light the ocean on fire by now is quite a feat."
There was a very long, very uncomfortable pause on Nami's end.
"Uh… You haven't tried to light the ocean on fire… right?"
"Aheh… let's move on, shall we?"
"Riiiight…" I trailed off for a second before shaking my head and smiling warmly. "Anyway, the point is that you contribute more than enough to this crew, and you are a key part of the Strawhat Pirates. If you feel like you want to do more, then that's your prerogative. Just don't do it at the expense of your health, for all of our sakes, alright?"
"…Yeah, alright," Nami finally admitted in a voice that plainly indicated a smile. "By the way, why hasn't Sanji said anything?"
"The love cook finally reached the point of passing out from sheer joy," Zoro deadpanned.
"…I honestly don't know what I expected," Nami deadpanned.
"Ah, excuse me?" Itomimizu cut in. "As heartwarming and hilarious as all of this is, I'd like to remind you that we are still in the middle of a race here! And it seems that the Cutie Wagon is starting to catch up!"
"What?!" I snapped my attention down to the coast of the island again, where indeed the Cutie Wagon was slowly but surely fording through the Reef's intricate current system, the riptides failing to faze Monda in the least. "But how the… hell… wait a second…" I dug a spyglass out of my bag and held it to my eye. I then proceeded to bite back a curse when I caught sight of the muzzle latched over the now-ballistic shark's nose. "That mask is full of pure chum, isn't it?"
"Precisely!" Ito nodded in agreement. "It's a special tactic we came up with in order to force Monda into a feeding frenzy and give us a major boost of speed! It's actually quite a rare thing for us to use it, you Strawhats should be honoured!"
I ground my teeth for a second before pausing as a thought hit me. "Heeey, wait a second… aren't you guys at all worried about the fact that you're essentially broadcasting all of your cheating to the world?"
The wide-mouth just smirked confidently. "Forewarned might be forearmed, but we're too strong and too wily for any amount of preparation to stop us! Pirate crews can come at us all they want, knowing as much as they can, they'll still lose!"
I processed that for a bit before surreptitiously covering the transceiver's mic. "Foxy told you to say that so that now you're practically guaranteed to get crews flocking to you for Back Fights who all think they stand a chance while only knowing a fraction of your arsenal, didn't he?"
Itomimizu's smile somehow managed to widen. "Say what you will about the Boss, but you have to admit, when it comes to pure, dirty, low-down trickery, he's utterly unmatched! Truly, he's a pirate's pirate!"
"Well, at least he's persistent in quantity…" I uttered under my breath before uncovering the mic. "Anyway, back to the race! Nami, Conis, you need to get a move on!"
"Sorry, needed a second to change my Bazooka's Dials!" Conis apologized. "Alright, we're back on!" And with that, the Barrel Tigress's thruster roared to life again and started rocketing our team down the coast, all while the Cutie Wagon rounded around the tip of the Long Cape.
All too soon, the two vessels wound up in a deadlock once again, with the Tigress staying firmly in the lead but the Cutie Wagon steadfastly refusing to lose any ground.
And through it all, Hamburg managed to keep pace with the two vessels, bearing Foxy on his back without any trouble. In fact, he even managed to overtake the Tigress, keeping well ahead of our crew's team while Foxy raised his arm and oh shit!
"Slow-Slow—!"
"Ah-ah-ah-IT WOULD APPEAR THAT CAPTAIN SPLIT-HEAD IS TRYING SOMETHING!" I bellowed desperately.
Foxy promptly collapsed in despair. "S-Split-he—ARGH!" Which proved to be an ill-advised move, seeing as he promptly lost his balance and fell beneath Hamburg, got tangled up in the larger figure's limbs, and they both fell into an uncontrolled tumble.
"BOSS!" Itomimizu shrieked in panic.
"PFHAHAHA!" I laughed in equal parts amusement and relief. "Oh, wow, I wish you could have seen that, viewers, because that little spectacle we just witnessed, it is one for the blooper reels! PFHAHAHA!"
"Why, you—you did that on purpose, didn't you?!" Ito yelled in outrage. "Have you no heart!?"
"ONCE AGAIN, all's fair in love, war, and Davy Back Fights!"
"STOP USING MY OWN WORDS AGAINST ME!"
"Why? YOU SAID that all's fair in love, war—"
"GAH!" Ito yanked his hat down in outrage before nearly giving me mood whiplash by snapping back to cheerful as he pointed back below. "Oh, it looks like the two ships have finally stopped their stalemate, and the Cutie Wagon is pulling ahead!"
I quickly looked back down and saw that, unfortunately, he was right; the berserk shark was pulling up to the Tigress due to Conis' bazooka emitting smoke rather than flame. Looking more closely, I could see the problem.
"Ugh… looks like Porche has somehow managed to clog the Flame Bazooka's air intake with what look like metal flowers!"
"That's Porche's Flower Shuriken move!" Itomimizu announced proudly. "As elegant and deadly as she is beautiful! Truly befitting of the diva of our crew! And now it looks like the Cutie Wagon is—!"
Conis promptly rammed the bazooka's end against the lip of her vessel. It caused the wood to crack a bit, sure, but it also dislodged the metal flowers from the weapon, allowing her to reignite the vessel's thruster and resume forward momentum.
"Tied with the Barrel Tigress!" I cut in hastily, leaning forward in an attempt to get a better look. "Both vessels are literally neck-and-neck! It's a deadlock, folks, and neither party appears to be intent on letting the other change that anytime soon!"
Ito started to nod before gasping when the Barrel Tigress suddenly swung right, slamming the majority of its bulk into the Cutie Wagon. "Well, it looks like the Strawhats are determined to break it! Your navigator is going in for some CQC with Porche! Such brutality, is she even a woman!? Maybe I should ask her to show me proof that she is!" He paused and paled. "WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?!"
Soundbite roared with laughter…
ZAP! "SQUARK!"
Before yelping in terror when a bolt of lightning came within an inch of zapping us all.
"WOULD YOU BASTARDS CARE TO REPEAT THAT!?"
"Didn't think that through, didja?" I snarled at Soundbite as I tried to unclench my arms from around Chuchun's neck.
"EE-nope!" he replied from the safety of his shivering shell.
Meanwhile, far below us, Nami and Porche were going at one another with gusto, Clima-Tact clashing against a no doubt thoroughly reinforced baton in what was, quite frankly, a stunning demonstration of both skill and acrobatics.
"Well, that aside, it is an impressive catfight that's happening between the Foxy Pirates' diva and the Straw Hat Pirates' second mate!" I commented. "A baton strike blocked here, a staff strike parried there, shurikens and lightning—"
"VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME!" Soundbite chimed in.
"Galileo—GAH!" I shot a glare at Soundbite, who only cackled madly. "Grgh… anyway, back to the fi—" I cut myself off with a choked gurgle at a new development, which Itomimizu eagerly capitalized on.
"Well, well! A well-aimed strike to Conis' right temple from Porche's baton has sent the Strawhat's gunner for a loop and disabled their engine, meaning that they're now falling behind while the Cutie Wagon is proceeding undeterred!"
"BUT it looks like Conis is recovering quickly!" I cut in, watching as Conis righted herself with a slightly dizzy shake of her head before resuming her position. "And just like that, the bazooka's gunning again, and the Cutie Wagon is quickly losing her lead!"
Porche clearly didn't like that, judging from the murderous look in her eyes as Nami spun her Clima-Tact, clearly ready to go another round of Whack-a-Fox. But as they neared each other, Porche's eyes widened, and then she smirked before jerking at the bit in Monda's mouth, steering him away. Nami blinked in confusion, but then snapped her head towards the shore, where Foxy and Hamburg had caught up, the former poised to fire again. This time, with Itomimizu watching me, I didn't say a word, but the fact that I was grinning like a lunatic clearly unnerved him.
"In case you're wondering about why I'm grinning…" I started slowly. "I'd just like to remind you. Talking strategy while Soundbite and I are anywhere nearby?"
"Slow-Slow Beam!" Foxy shouted from below, sending wave after wave of the unnatural particles at our crewmates.
"It's a good way to end your plans before they even start," I finished, Soundbite's grin matching mine in wideness and maliciousness. Then I turned my attention back to the mic. "Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that Foxy the Silver Fox is attempting to use his Devil Fruit powers against the Barrel Tigress: the Slow-Slow Fruit, enabling him to fire a beam that slows down anything it hits! Unfortunately for him, we happen to have its weakness handy!"
Nami's grin was no less wide than mine as, with the beams approaching, she picked something up from the floor of the barrel and held it in front of her: a mirror. And as the beams reflected, I looked at Foxy to see his reaction, and—
… OK, it wasn't Enel-grade, that was impossible to top. Still, Foxy's expression at seeing that we had the counter for his Devil Fruit powers was still a freaking hilarious close second. With the beams reflected harmlessly away, the two vessels tore down the final stretch of the coast towards the rapidly approaching finish line. The Cutie Wagon's swerve had served to cut their lead down enough so that the Tigress was right on their tail, and even from way on high, I could see that Monda was starting to tire. Inch after inch, the Wagon lost ground, and inch after inch, the Tigress took it, pulling ahead more and more.
Without warning, the Tigress suddenly jerked to a halt, almost flinging Conis and Nami from the ship. The pair exchanged panicked looks as the Cutie Wagon tore ahead, but even though Conis regained her balance and doubled the intensity of her Flame Bazooka, the ship just wasn't moving forward. It was as if the water was… fighting against them shit when had that bastard started shooting?!
"Guys, the be—MMPH!"
"Look, I'll be honest," Itomimizu growled, one hand clenched over my mouth while his arm encircled my neck. "I like you, you're a great guy with a great sense of humour and an even better sense of dramatic timing, but for now, I'm going to need you to shut up!"
"LET GO of my partner!" Soundbite snapped.
"Not until we wi—ghrk!"
I bashed my elbow into his face, regretting for the umpteenth time that my armour wasn't ready yet as the pain jabbed through my arm. But he kept a firm grip on my jaw, so I kept flinging, and he started hitting back.
…Brawling in midair on the back of a giant bird. Somehow, I wasn't even remotely surprised. But, thankfully, I finally managed to free my mouth and bellow out, "THE WATER! THE BEAMS WORK ON THE WAT—MMPH!" I was then cut off by Itomimizu shoving his forearm in my mouth, but by that point, the damage was thankfully done.
"Lassoo, Cani-Cannon!" Soundbite barked out in my voice.
During my struggle with my co-announcer, I managed to catch sight of an explosion in the fairground, followed by a blur of white that headed straight at Foxy…
CRACK!
Only for it to be batted away thanks to Hamburg moving faster than any being his size had the right to, drawing a metal club and striking the projectile in the space of a second.
The next few seconds were something of a blur as Ito and I both brawled and did our best to balance on Chuchun's back, the damn thing doing its best to sway the fight in its partner's favor however it could manage—
"POP-FLY! INCOMING!"
Before Soundbite let out a panicked yelp and snapped into his shell, prompting the three of us to freeze as we processed what he had said. Then we processed the sight of a baseball coming up right next to us. In the air.
"Uh-oh…" the giga-bird whimpered in terror.
"I don't say this often…" I groaned. "But this… this bites."
"Heh, title dro—!"
BOOM!
Normally, I wouldn't wake up any time soon after getting hit by a blast like that, but thankfully, I had several factors on my side.
Namely, a metric ton of wind blasting in my face as I dropped at terminal velocity and a loud-mouthed snail wailing in my ear.
When I did finally come to, however, it was to the sight of the ground coming at me really, really, really, really FAST OH SHIT FUCK!
"LUFFY!" I screamed as I flailed desperately.
I was half a second away from belly-flopping onto the green grass when my vision suddenly filled with rubber and a red vest. "GUM-GUM BALLOON!"
I struggled uncomfortably for a second before Luffy's distended belly recoiled, bouncing me back up into the air for a scant moment during which I flailed desperately. On the plus side, I didn't belly-flop onto the grass.
On the minus, that was because I landed on my head.
I lay groaning on the ground for a second before slowly cracking an eye open to stare at Zoro, who was standing over me and looking at me curiously. "Did we win?" I asked in a dizzy tone of voice.
An uproar of cheers from the fairground answered that question for me.
"…shit."
---
A minute later, found the two crews assembled on opposite sides of an unspoken line, an uneasy truce having been set for the moment so we could provide medical aid to our injured crewmembers. And damn, did we need it.
"Well, that wasn't particularly fun…" I groused as I craned my neck back and forth, doing my best to massage my throbbing spine. "And I wasn't even a part of the freaking race!"
"Yeah, well, I promise you that it wasn't any more fun at ground zero, either," Nami hissed as she held an icepack to a lump that was starting to form on her skull.
"Agreed…" Conis nodded, inasmuch as she could with Chopper slowly wrapping a bandage around her head.
"By the way, I was kind of busy flying around the island and then falling so I missed it, but how's Raphey doing?" I asked.
"Well…"
"LET ME AT 'IM! LET ME AT 'IM!"
I glanced back to see the dugong in question attempting to charge towards the Foxy's, more specifically at the giant-fishman hybrid Big Pan, who was holding an equally-struggling Capote in his hands. I say 'attempting' because the other three students were hanging off of her, doing their best to hold her back.
"That's the concussion talking, Raphey, don't listen to it!" Mikey pleaded.
"I DON'T CARE! I'M GONNA CAVE THAT—!"
All of a sudden, she jerked before slumping forward, revealing a syringe sticking out of her neck and a grumpy-looking Chopper behind her.
"Good thing I restocked on sedatives back at G-8," he muttered. "It looks like I'm going to be needing a lot of it."
"You think we could borrow some of that?" Porche called over to us. "We'd do the same for our guy, but as you can see…" She glanced warily up at her struggling crewmate. "Our docs think he might be starting to build a tolerance."
"Eh…" Chopper rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Have you considered a… 'manual override'?" He made air quotations with his hooves.
"Are you nuts?!" one of the Foxy doctors (who did not look the part) demanded incredulously. "That could give him a serious concussion!"
"Rebuttal!" Chopper jabbed his hoof up. "He's a fishman."
The doctor made to respond, but trailed off thoughtfully instead. After a second, he nodded in acceptance. "Good point." He then waved up at the hybrid. "Hey, Big Pan! One Monster Burger, stat!"
The large fellow blinked stupidly down at the doctor for a moment before grinning and nodding in understanding. He then proceeded to raise one of his hands off of Capote—
SLAM! "GAH!"
Before clapping it down on him full force, reducing his fellow fishman to an insensate mess.
I cocked my head to the side. "…How long did it take him to learn that?"
Porche grimaced and kneaded the bridge of her nose. "Longer than any of us are willing to admit…"
I chuckled slightly at that comment before pausing as I noticed Sanji and Zoro doing the same. "The hell are you two laughing at? You're fighting him next round!" That got them to sober up pretty fast.
That… and a particularly unwelcome voice.
"Well, I think that's been quite long enough!"
Most of our crew and I scowled darkly as Foxy marched out of the throngs of his own men, leering at us maliciously.
"You can't delay any longer," he announced smugly. "It's time."
"INDEED!" Itomimizu belted out in agreement, popping up next to his captain with his own snail at the ready, looking as though he'd come straight off the set of a mummy movie. Turns out that even a rapidly-readied fireman's trampoline won't do you much good when you hit it at a little under terminal velocity. "As we've won the Donut Race, it is now our right to choose a member of your crew! They're all yours, Boss!"
I grimaced and slowly walked to stand behind Chopper, bracing myself for the inevitable.
Foxy's smirk doubled in size as he stepped forward and slowly raised a hand to point at us. "It took some thinking, but I've already made my decision! The one I choose… is you!"
I laid a comforting hand on Chopper's hat, causing him to glance upwards with fearful eyes. "Sorry, little buddy. Just stay strong and—"
"The ship's tactician, Jeremiah Cross!"
"—we'll get you back soo—WHAT THE FUCK!?" I swapped to a panicked bellow as I stared at Foxy in confusion.
"What!?" Nami and Vivi chorused in horror.
"OH, SHIT!" Soundbite yelped.
Foxy smirked in a vulpine manner, crossing his arms imperiously. "You screwed me over a lot during that race, Cross. I both respect and abhor that. So now, not only are you no longer a thorn in my side, you're going to be one in all of my enemies! Fehfehfehfehfeh!"
"Phrasing, captain!" Porche interjected, while Hamburg barely managed to cover his snickering.
Foxy grimaced before rallying. "Now, c'mon." He gestured for me to come forward. "I've already shown you more courtesy than I do most by not having you dragged over. Gather your pets and come accept your defeat with dignity."
And just like that, several pieces clicked into place for me, and I dug my fingers into my palm in an effort to keep my cool. "…No," I said coldly.
That response got Foxy and Zoro glaring at me.
"Cross…" Zoro started testily.
"You dare disrespect ze laws of the Davy Back Fight!?" Foxy demanded.
"On the contrary!" I called back, pumping steel into my voice. I then removed Soundbite from my shoulder, placed him on Chopper's hat, and dropped my bag and Lassoo's strap to the ground. "The only one who's disobeying them here is you, Boss." I grit out the last word as though it were a curse, and quite honestly, it might as well have been.
"Huh!?" Foxy jerked in confusion. "What ze hell are you talking about!?"
"Simple," I gestured at the shell-shocked Devil Fruit-using animals who were staring at me. "Soundbite and Lassoo are my partners, not my pets, and as my partner, Soundbite has an equal stake in the SBS. If you want to control the SBS or get your hands on Soundbite or Lassoo, then you'll have to win again and call their names, but right now? You don't get any three-for-ones or do-overs." I jabbed my thumb at my chest. "You called for me, and you got me. Take it, or give me an honourable discharge so that I can go back."
Foxy ground his teeth as he realized that he'd been played. "The dugongs and dog are one thing, but a snail being a genuine crewmate!? Bah!" He ultimately flung his hand up dismissively, though I could still see his jaw twitching with repressed anger. "It is of no matter, we'll just have to win the next game, too! And in the meantime…" He pointed at me firmly. "I stand by my choice! By the laws of the game, you are now my crewmate!"
"Joy," I drawled. And so, without further ado, I started marching towards the crowd of masked pirates.
"What the hell are you doing, Cross?!" Vivi demanded incredulously, drawing me up short.
"Y-Yeah, Cross!" Mikey concurred. "This isn't like you! How come you aren't ranting or raving o-o-or ripping into these bastards like you always do!?"
"Why aren't you doing anything!?" Chopper cried, obviously fighting back tears. "Y-You're being taken away from us! Y-You're being stolen! D-Don't you c-care at all!?"
I rolled my eyes as I folded my arms behind my head. "Nope. Not even a bit."
"What!?" Conis gasped in shock.
"Cross—!" Nami started.
"Geeze, you guys…" I groaned as I dug a finger into my ear. "Look, you're all making a big deal out of absolutely nothing. I mean, come on, it's not like I'm leaving forever, you know?"
"What?!" over half of the Strawhats cried in confusion.
"WHAT!?" Foxy bellowed in outrage.
"Well, yeah?" I said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I mean, come on. I'm gonna be on their crew for, what, an hour or two, maybe less? Then you guys are gonna stomp whoever the hell they send at you for Round Two into the ground in, like, ten seconds and then I'll be a Strawhat again. Come on, guys." I spread my hands helplessly. "It isn't that hard."
"Shishishi, yeah, guys!" Luffy scratched his finger beneath his nose, having been one of the only members of the crew who hadn't reacted negatively to my nonchalance. "You're all acting kinda stupid, you know?"
"Hypocritical though that would normally be coming from his mouth, he does have a point this time; considering that Luffy's fighting split-head one-on-one and Boss, Mosshead and I are taking on the next game, there's not much chance of us losing again," Sanji shrugged.
"And besides," Boss said gruffly as he bit down on a cigar and ignited it with a single click of his flint. "So we lose once, so what? It'll just make our inevitable victory all the sweeter. And for the record, that's not a Man's Romance." He blew out a cloud of smoke as he stared down the Foxy's. "That's a damn fact."
A loud, audible gulp seemed to come from every member of the Foxy's.
"Well, anyway, I gotta be goin' for now. See you." I waved goodbye over my shoulder as I walked over to Foxy and popped off a careless, two-fingered salute and as sarcastically honest a grin as I could manage. "Hi, I'm Jeremiah Cross, your new tactician. Please take good care of me."
Foxy glared at me for a second before twitching his mouth into a wry grin. "You're not going to make this easy, are you?" he asked blandly.
"Oh, no no no…" I shook my head solemnly. "Nothing like that, nothing like that at all." I allowed a glint of defiance to enter my expression. "I'm going to be gone long before you can even conceive of labelling me as 'difficult'."
The Silver Fox's grin widened into one of malevolent amusement for a second before snapping his fingers. "Porche."
"Yes, Boss?" the diva asked.
"Take Cross back to the Sexy Foxy, get him dressed and get him a bunk. Ah, and…" He stopped her when she started to walk towards the ship, his gaze never leaving me. "Make it a good bunk, at that. After all, we want our newest recruit to be nice and… comfortable."
She stared at Foxy for a moment before grinning and nodding in understanding. "You got it, Boss." She then gestured at me to follow her, and I did so without question, following her to the titanic beast that this crew called a ship.
"Just for the record," I spoke up as we walked. "I get that the mask thing is a part of the dress code, but you're really going to have to pull out all the stops if you're going to put one on me."
---
"…Alright, I'll admit it," I mused as I fingered the mask over my face. "I am impressed. This does not look half-bad."
"You honestly think we got this many crewmates without figuring out how to make the uniforms work for everyone?" Porche giggled.
I shrugged in acceptance as I took in my appearance; temporary though I had absolutely no doubt that it was, I had to admit that if it was necessary, I could damn well get used to it. I honestly never thought that I'd be caught dead wearing a hoodie with fox ears of all things, much less a mask sewn into the hood, but there I was wearing a dark gray one with orange highlights and a pair of track pants to match. Honestly, I think the most impressive bit was how they'd managed to work it so that I could still keep my cap on, even in spite of the mask.
Once I was done with my inspection, I gave Porche a satisfied nod. "Very nice, I think I'll hang on to it when I go back to the Strawhats."
Without warning, Porche's good mood evaporated into a childish pout. "You don't have to be so eager about returning to your friends, you know. After all, you don't need to worry about being split up. The Boss isn't going to stop playing the Back Fight with your crew until we have you all, so all you need to do is wait, and you'll all be back together again."
"You're only half-right, Porche," I said casually. "The odds of your crew winning the next game are very slim, but not zero. But the odds of your captain managing to beat mine? Well…" I shrugged casually. "Compare their reactions to talking to the strongest man in the world, and tell me that you don't believe my captain is the better one."
I smirked at her as her pout deepened into something like anger. "Let me put it to you this way: the sole reason I exist in this world—the reason I came into this world in the first place, this world of piracy—is so that I could sail under the flag of Monkey D. Luffy, who is Gold Roger's successor. And nothing, short of death, will stop me from getting back to him."
Porche's anger faltered, and she stared at me with wide eyes for a few seconds. "… Nobody else has ever been that bold," she muttered in awe. Then her demeanour switched again to something… I dunno, it just seemed woah she was close!
"But, you know, you should try opening your mind to the possibilities. You never know what you could be missing out on," she crooned, rubbing up against me, and that was a hand, hell no!
I backed away as far as I could and fumbled for my baton before realizing that Usopp still had it, prompting me to switch tactics. "Oookay… quick question: are you truly dedicated to the pirate life? To the point of putting your life on the line?"
Porche blinked at me before smiling. "Of course I am. Hamburg and I joined the Boss of our own free will; we knew and know what this life's risks are."
"Good, perfect, glad to hear that, I really am, because that means you have no right to complain about the following statement." I grabbed her collar and yanked her close, so that she could not mistake the deadly expression on my face. "Try that shit with me again, and I will ram that icepick you call a nose right back into your brain."
Porche immediately stiffened, blinking at me in surprise before adopting a neutral and entirely unafraid expression and crossing her arms. "Huh. So, you actually are a decent human being."
It took me a second to fully process what she was saying, but once I did, I let my face fall blank as I released her and stepped back. "And you actually have a brain in your head, and this was most likely a test you do on all new recruits."
We stared flatly at each other for a moment before I extended my hand. "Truce?"
"Truce." She shook my hand in agreement before pointing her thumb over her shoulder. "Come on, I'll show you to the bunk section you'll be sleeping in. East Blue, right?"
"Eh," I waved my hand side to side as I followed her. "Mind if I check out your library if you have one instead? I won't be staying long, so I wanna get some reading in before Round Two starts… When does that start, anyway?"
"Two-hour intermission so that everyone can unwind and have some fun," Porche promptly answered with a grin. "We love our Back Fights. And sure, it's this way." She turned down a corridor. "Though fair warning, this means that there's a good chance your old crew will take the good bunks once they join."
"You wish~," I sang casually.
A minute of navigating the ship's insanely circuitous corridors later, she let me into a highly impressive library. Not Sunny standards, no, but definitely impressive nonetheless.
"Damn…" I whistled in awe as I took in the shelves of books. "Whatever the hell you're paying your shipwrights, it's nowhere near enough."
"Yeah, yeah…" Porche muttered from the doorway before heaving a sigh. "Alright, Cross, look, I really don't think I should be doing this considering how deep in denial you are, but there's a… policy we Foxy Pirates have you should be aware of."
"Huh?" I glanced back at her in confusion. "You mean besides the masks?"
She rolled her eyes. "Yes, besides the masks." She then held up a finger. "All new crewmates get one chance to cheat."
Now that brought me up short. "Come again?"
"One. Chance. To cheat," Porche slowly repeated. "You have the option, in this Back Fight and this Back Fight alone, to try and sabotage our crew as we proceed to defeat your old one. If you try and pull anything at any other point, then it will be considered mutiny, and you will suffer the consequences, but today?" She raised one finger to emphasize it. "You get one free pass."
I blinked several times as I processed that. "…Foxy actually allows that?"
Porche huffed as she turned away. "The Boss," she said, emphasizing the title. "Isn't a sadist. This is a mercy he gives new recruits. One last glimmer of hope, one last chance to leave." She waved her hand casually. "Of course, it's never actually worked because we're just that good, but it's the thought that counts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to reload my baton. I'll get you when it's time for Round Two."
"See you then," I returned politely. With that, we parted, she heading to another part of the ship and me browsing the shelves and taking in what the Foxy Pirates had to offer. It looked like he had a few good minds on his crew from what I saw: plenty of medical and history books, blueprints for the ship, even a few good fantasy novels I'd have to see if I could borrow.
I had browsed over pretty much every section in the library before one book in particular caught my eye: one with the Foxy Pirates' Jolly Roger on the front. One glance at the inside of the cover confirmed my suspicions: it was the crew's logbook.
I glanced around for a second before shrugging and flipping the book open. After all, what harm could a little bit of background knowledge do? I'd probably just read about their origins for a minute or two and then move on.
Thirty minutes later, I was thoroughly engrossed in the book, intently absorbing every detail I could manage.
I didn't even look up as a finger tapped my shoulder. "Hey, Cross, any clue where I can find the reference books?"
I absentmindedly raised a finger and pointed to the left. "That way, I think. I saw an index thataways if it helps."
"That works. Thanks, Cross."
"Anytime, Nami."
Ten seconds later, I glanced up from the book with a mutter of "The hell…?" but a quick glance around showed me to be completely alone, so I shrugged and returned to my reading.
An hour later, I closed the book and set it down, my eyes wide and my mind awhirl as I connected the dots I'd found in that book with what I myself knew. The picture that it all depicted, about this crew, about the Davy Back Fights… this… this changed everything.
Or, well, maybe not everything, but it sure as hell gave me something to think about.
Those thoughts were then interrupted by the sound of the library's door opening. "Round Two's starting, come on!" Porche called.
"Ah," I glanced at the logbook for a second before heading towards her voice. "C-Coming!"
---
I surreptitiously ghosted through the rowdy crowd of pirates as I made my way towards the Groggy Ring, dodging through the writhing throng of the crowd as I tried to make myself as inconspicuous as possible. As I went, I subtly swiped a number of clothing articles from the more inebriated and distracted members of the Foxy Pirates. A scarf here, a trenchcoat there, a pair of oversized boots from… somewhere, though the smell really guaranteed that I didn't want to know, and finally a rather elaborate mask that was most likely for show that a vendor was handing out.
Once I had what I needed, I made a beeline for the nearest alleyway between stalls I could find. I took a second to glance around and confirm that I was completely alone before donning the clothes I'd collected over my hoodie, in a manner that I really hoped would obscure my identity from anyone who saw me. Thankfully, the size of the crew and the fact that they were a Grand Line crew, at that, maximized the odds that my plan would succeed.
With the disguise in place, I emerged and walked back towards the ring, looking around until, grinning, I spotted the Foxy Pirates' referee. I planned to make good use of that one free cheat I had, and so I approached him.
"Soundbite, if you're listening, I need you to disguise my voice," I muttered under my breath. "And don't worry, I won't get in trouble if I get caught, just do it."
"Done," came a whisper in my ear.
"Hello, hello, hello," I muttered in a deep bass voice before nodding firmly. "Thanks."
"SEE YOU soon, PARTNER."
"With any luck. Hey, ref!" I growled out, clapping my hand on his shoulder. "Don't turn around and listen. Boss told me to pass a message on to you, incognitus-like: when the order for a Groggy Burger comes up, use the red card."
"Wha—? Are you nuts!?" the masked referee hissed out of the corner of his mouth.
"Hey, man, I think it's nuts too. I'm just following orders," I grumbled. "All he said was that he wants the Straw Hats to think that we're playing fair. Put them in a false sense of security, get that monster of a Captain to drop his guard. They came too close to winning the last game; we need to keep everyone guessing if we don't want them to win. Got it?"
The ref ground his teeth for a second before nodding slowly. "Alright… Alright, I'll do it. But if this blows up, I'm telling him that it was your idea, got it?"
"Hey, I get it," I shrugged casually. "Sea King eat Sea King world, we all do what we gotta do to survive. All I'm doin' is relayin' the boss's orders, a'right?"
"Ergh… yeah, alright."
"Perfect. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a date with a litre o' grog." And with that, I slid back into the crowd, dropping my disguise piece by piece as I went.
If I had things my way, I'd then be standing by my crew as an added show of defiance. But, as it stood, I had no doubt that Foxy would be watching me like a hawk so that he could stop my one free cheat before it got out of hand. So, with resignation, I elected to stand by the man. I was just glad I knew what I did now; otherwise, I don't think I would have been able to stand it.
"Ah, good, you're here," Foxy said as I walked up, not taking his eyes off my crew. "Enjoy the tour of your new ship?"
I shrugged indifferently. "Eh, it was alright. Personally, I'm kinda iffy on the name, and I can only imagine that the boobytraps are an absolute nightmare to navigate, so honestly?" I shot him a cheeky grin. "I'm eager to get back to the Merry. I will be keeping the clothes, though."
Foxy snorted and shook his head. "Don't get your hopes up, Cross."
I tipped the brim of my hat down in response. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch, Captain."
Foxy scowled briefly before looking at Itomimizu and waving his hand.
The wide-mouth apparently took that as a sign to start and climbed up to the top of a hastily constructed tower. I blinked before noticing that Chuchun was currently wrapped up in bandages, with Chopper conspicuously close by. I couldn't help but snicker at the sight.
"Aaaaalright, ladies and gentlemen! The wait is over, it's time for Round Two of the Davy Back Fight, the Groggy Ring! Now presenting the lineup for this match's teams! On the Straw Hat Pirates' team: First Mate 'Pirate Hunter' Roronoa Zoro! The lady-loving chef of iron, Sanji! And the leader of the ship's guard force, Boss Dugong!"
Looking at the trio, Sanji and Boss were both posing for the audience, while Zoro was rolling his eyes but staying silent.
"And, on the Foxy Pirates' team, the legendary Groggy Monsters! The leader, co-first mate and heavy-hitter, Hamburg! The bulky 'Tackle Machine', Pickles! And the fishman-giant hybrid, Big Pan!"
The trio basked in the attention they received as they marched onto the field, posing and grandstanding confidently.
"Now, for the game's rules! Each team must have one player acting as the ball…"
At that point, I stopped listening; the rules were nothing more than a review for me. Instead, I observed Pickles and Big Pan for a second before looking curiously at Foxy. "Where the heck did you get the bigger two, anyway? I won't ask about Hamburg because if there's a pool, it means that if you know, then you're not talking, but them…" I waved my hand in their vague direction. "Just curious, is all."
Foxy blinked in surprise, but shrugged and began to answer. "Eh, it's no big secret for those two. Pickles joined after one of my first wins against the Full-Frontal Assault Pirates. Real nasty bunch, led by a berserker with an Elephant Zoan. He was actually lucky, because we got word that they were annihilated by Marines about a month or two later. He was rough around the edges at first, and his Giant's blood—that's where his size comes from, you see—didn't help matters, but he and Hamburg eventually bonded, and he's been a big help in the Ring ever since. But as for Big Pan, well…" His expression darkened. "You've established yourself as rather world-savvy; would the name 'Sabaody Archipelago' say enough for you?"
I promptly fought to suppress my gag reflex as my eyes shot to the hybrid's hands. "Enough to know that those gloves aren't covering his wrists for nothing."
"Mmph," Foxy grunted in agreement. "He cost me a pretty penny, but I don't regret it." His gaze slowly drifted over his shoulder so that he was looking back at his men. "I never do."
Porche leaned around her boss and pointed an accusing finger at me. "And he means that whether they agree to join or not, so don't get any ideas!"
I held up my hands in defence. "Fair enough, fair enough."
"And that's the game!" Ito capped off confidently.
"Ah, finally!" Foxy leered eagerly. "Now then, just be patient. With any luck, you'll be much more comfortable once you have your snail back. And I'll even do you the favour of removing that misplaced label for him so that you can both go back if your captain pulls off a miracle and beats me! Though really, that notion is simply preposterous! Fehfehfehfeh!"
Aaand my respect for him hit rock bottom again.
"Now then," Itomimizu continued eagerly. "We are only moments away from the beginning of the Second Round! All we're waiting for now is the whistle, and—!"
WHOOSH!
"GAH!" Itomimizu cut himself off with a panicked yelp when he was suddenly buffeted by an intense wind that came out of absolutely nowhere. And he was far from the only one affected; all at once, a massive windstorm swept over the playing field, throwing everyone off-balance.
We barely had time to process that before the wind brought with it an unexpected byproduct: an absolutely massive—and for some reason, pink—fog that shrouded the entire playing field. I was barely able to discern my mummified hand in front of my face, and the tumult around me gave the impression that everyone else was having equal difficulty.
Then the wind began to blow again… wait, no. It wasn't forceful; this time, it was just flat-out loud. Howling and… roaring… wait a second…
"Soundbite?" I whispered beneath my breath.
"Did you really think we would TAKE THIS SHIT LYING DOWN?" an indignant medley of voices scoffed in my ear. "THEY WANT TO PLAY DIRTY, that's their problem. BUT WHEN THEY TAKE ONE OF OURS… we fight BLOODY. OBSERVE."
And with that, as fast as the fog swept over the field, it dispersed just as swiftly, unveiling a scene that could only be described as absolute carnage. Hamburg had been beaten akin to his namesake, Pickles looked to have been put through a blender, and Big Pan looked as though… well, frankly, he looked as though the Monster Trio had ganged up on him, with a few Sea Kings having enthusiastically joined the fun for good measure. Simply put, the Groggy Monsters were out cold while Zoro, Sanji, and Boss were all standing tall, completely and utterly unscathed and looking as nonchalant as cats lazing in a sunbeam. Or at least, as nonchalant as they could be while they were covered head to toe in blood spatter.
Which was actually pretty disturbingly nonchalant, now that I thought about it.
For a moment, there was complete silence; everyone on the Foxy Pirates, myself included, just gaped at the development as we tried to come to grips with what the hell had just happened. About a minute later, Foxy recovered enough to speak… or rather, roar and point at Luffy.
"FOUL! You cheated!"
"Eh? No, we didn't," Luffy stated as he cleaned his ear, his voice bland and bored as though he were saying the sky were blue.
"Yes, you did!"
"No, we didn't," Luffy replied in the same bored tone.
"I'M LOOKING AT IT RIGHT—!"
"Ah, excuse me, Mister Fox?"
"WHAT!?" Foxy yelled as he snapped his gaze to the person who'd spoken up.
Vivi, for her part, was entirely unfazed by the captain's fuming demeanour, smiling pleasantly without a care in the world. "I'm sorry for interrupting, Mr. Fox, but you see, I'm afraid that there's simply no means through which to determine the identity of your team's assailants. After all…" The princess waved her hand in the air. "That fog obscured everything, and that wind was so frightfully loud, I'm afraid that there just weren't any witnesses whatsoever."
The split-headed pirate sputtered indignantly for a second before stamping his foot. "But you're the ones who caused the fog in the first place!"
Vivi blinked and pointed at herself with a look of innocent confusion. "Me?"
"HER, DAMN IT!" Foxy snapped his finger up to point at Nami, who was whistling innocently as she swung her hips back and forth. "SHE CAN CONTROL THE WEATHER, WE'VE ALL SEEN IT!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that that's just not possible," Vivi lamented in a tone I swear was honestly apologetic.
"EVERYBODY SAW HER FORM A FREAKING TYPHOON EARLIER!"
"Oh, yes, yes, that's true, that's true…" Vivi raised her hands placatingly. "But you see, as adept as Nami is with her Clima-Tact, she still has her limits. Currently, all she is capable of are minor cantrips like lightning or that storm earlier. While I suppose our navigator could have hypothetically conjured that wind we felt, I'm afraid that that level of fog is simply out of her grasp. And if Nami didn't do it, then…"
Vivi shook her head with a helpless shrug. "Well, I'm afraid I just don't know what to tell you, Mr. Fox. What else do you propose? That someone, what, magically conjured up a bank of fog from nowhere in the space of mere seconds?" Vivi chuckled daintily into her fist. "Why, how positively absurd."
As Foxy spluttered, his attention entirely on the main mass of our crew, I noticed Chopper digging in his bag behind one of the fair tents. He was working hastily, so hastily that a smoking test tube suddenly fell out of his bag without warning. He promptly made to grab for the vial before it could touch the ground, but flailed his hoof with a pained expression the second he touched it, sending the glass container flying. Thankfully, Carue had noticed the incident and was there waiting when the tube arrived, and managed to grab it with a wing… at which point he promptly started flailing his wings and playing a game of hot potato with himself as he hopped from foot to foot.
"What the heck…?" I muttered under my breath.
"CHOPPER calls it Cherry Blossom Haze," Soundbite softly explained. "PERSONALLY, I would have GONE WITH Hazy Shade of Winter, but eh, WHAT CAN I say? HE'S GOT A THEME, and I WON'T BEGRUDGE hi—BWAHAHAHAhoohoohooHEEHEEHEE!"
I blinked in confusion when Soundbite suddenly trailed off into raucous laughter before looking back at Carue. Oddly enough, the vial he was juggling was long gone, and he was standing at attention, gaze locked dead ahead, and his wings folded at his side. For some reason there was cold sweat starting to collect on his brow, but for the life of me I couldn't tell what was—wait, was that smoke coming out of his nos—?
FWOMP!
I hastily clamped my hands over my mouth to muffle my snorting laughter. And it was hard when I was staring at a Carue that was bloated up into a balloon, smoky fog oozing out of his clamped beak and tears streaming down his cheeks. It was all I could do to keep from falling on my knees, and the sight of Carue speeding off out of sight once he got enough wherewithal in his head to do so didn't help. But when a massive geyser of smoke pierced the heavens alongside an avian howl of agony, I just couldn't hold it in anymore.
"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I burst out, falling to the ground laughing.
"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!" roared a red-faced Foxy, looking away from a suddenly panicked Vivi and failing to notice an equally freaked-out Chopper.
"C-C-Carue just ate one of Chopper's Anti-Luffy Spice Bombs by accident!" I lay around, my hysterical laughter. "Y-You should have seen his face! PFFHAHAHAHAHA!"
Chopper's concern melted into thoughtfulness, clearly considering the potential of what I had just said, and Vivi's expression changed into a different sort of concern. "Chopper, can you hurry after him and give him the antidote?" she asked quickly. The reindeer snapped back to reality, nodded, and sped off in his Walk Point. Vivi sighed before turning her attention back to Foxy. "Now, what were you saying, Mister Fox?"
"I WAS SAYING THAT EVEN IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY WITNESSES, IT'S BLATANTLY CLEAR THAT YOUR CREW DID THIS!" Foxy spat.
"Really? How so?" Vivi asked innocently.
"HOW SO? Oh, where to begin?! How about the slash marks—?!"
"You confiscated Zoro's swords before the game began; if anything, that only reinforces the fact that we didn't do it."
Back where she was swaying on her feet, Nami's absolutely innocent whistling amped up a few decibels while Foxy's face grew redder. "Ggh—! And the fact that they aren't harmed at all—?!"
"Says that whatever attacked your crew must have been wise enough not to attack ours."
Foxy's face became downright purple. "FOR THE LOVE OF JONES HIMSELF, THEY'RE COVERED IN BLOOD!" He snapped his finger up when Vivi started to speak. "AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU!"
"Then perhaps you'll hear it from me?" Boss spoke up from where he was still standing, casually pulling a puff from his cigar.
Steam snorted out of Foxy's nose as he glared daggers at the dugong. "I would love to hear your explanation for this."
"It's quite simple, really." Boss took his cigar out of his mouth and casually tapped off the ash. "While the fog obscured the field, we decided to eat some steak, and so we did."
You could hear the crickets chirping in the resounding silence that followed that statement.
"… I'm sorry, I must have heard you wrong. Could you repeat that?" Foxy said in a voice of strained calm.
"We. Ate. Steaks," Boss repeated, slowly and clearly. "To elaborate, under the cover of the fog, we decided to leave the field, we hunted down an animal, we slaughtered it, and then we ate it. Raw. Like men."
Foxy's eye started twitching viciously as he ground his teeth back and forth. "You mean you want to pretend that you hunted an animal in this god-forsaken prairie, ate it, and then returned in a little under five minutes?"
"Yes, yes, I know that it sounds ludicrous, I realize that," Boss waved his hands in a soothing gesture. "But! But, I have a valid explanation that I believe all will find to be both concise and logical."
"And what would that be?" Foxy snarled, sheer contempt dripping from his every word.
"Simplicity itself, my good man," Boss huffed matter-of-factly as he bit back into his cigar. "We're badasses." He promptly raised his flippers into the air, which Zoro and Sanji proceeded to high-five without even looking.
Foxy failed to formulate a reply for that, at which point Vivi tapped him on his shoulder. That caused him to bellow out a furious "WHAT!?"
Vivi blinked and slowly dug a finger through her ear before responding. "Alright, first? Loud, and I live with the loudest snail in the world, so that's really saying something. And second?" She spread her hands helplessly. "I'm afraid that the fact of the matter is that regardless of the details of how your 'Groggy Monsters' got assaulted in such a way, it doesn't really change the outcome."
"Outcome? What outcome!?" Porche demanded incredulously.
Vivi slowly turned her head to smile at the diva, and by smile, I mean a Robin-grade give-Sea-Kings-existential-dread smile. "Why, the fact that you've unequivocally lost the second round of the Davy Back Fight, of course."
The silence that resulted was as loud and boisterous as any Sea King. Heck, it was so quiet that the 'caw caw caw' of a crooooooooooooooooooooooow flying overhead was heard by all.
I glanced upwards at the passing bird. "Huh, so that's actually a thing here."
"What," Foxy hissed, his voice sounding straight-up possessed.
"Well, of course you've lost, Foxy," Vivi said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world as she started digging through her pockets. "It's quite clearly stipulated in the, ergh, rules, damn it, where did I—? Ah-hah!" Vivi finally yanked a piece of paper from her pocket, holding it up in triumph. "There we go! Now then, let's see here…"
Vivi took out a pair of reading glasses I knew for a fact that she didn't need and held them before her eyes as she analyzed the paper. "As dictated in Chapter 1, Section B, Sub-section 24, paragraph 16 of the 7th Edition Official Davy Back Fight Rulebook, and I quote, 'if at any point after the selection of the teams, a member of any given team is rendered unable to participate, said team must continue without that player. Should all members of the team be rendered incapable of participation, then the match is automatically forfeited.'" Vivi primly removed the glasses and shut them with a click. "End quote."
The rapid rustling of paper drew attention over to Itomimizu, who was tearing through the pages of a massive tome in a blind panic. After a few seconds of searching, the wide-mouth stopped on a specific page and began tracing his finger down the paper, frantically muttering to himself before suddenly jerking back with a gasp of shock. "S-SHE'S RIGHT!"
"I KNOW SHE'S RIGHT, YOU MORON, I KNOW THAT BOOK BY HEART!" Foxy roared. "WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS WHERE THE HELL SHE GOT HER HANDS ON A COPY!"
I was forced to bite down on my tongue in order to restrain my laughter when Nami's whistling amped up even louder.
"Those details are irrelevant and immaterial, Mister Fox," Vivi hummed in a tone of voice that was only borderline civil. "All that matters now are the facts of the situation at hand, which are hence: the members of the team you selected are in no state to play. Without any members, you don't have a team. Without a team, you cannot participate in Round Two. And because you cannot participate in Round Two, you forfeit by default. In summary, Mister Fox…"
"YOU LOSE," the Voice of God sounded out with all the intensity of a death knell.
And once again, dead silence fell. But it lasted for all of one second before Foxy fell to his knees, making a sound like a leaking balloon. "… I've been beaten… at cheating… how…?" he mumbled through his depression.
Vivi held her pleasant smile as she knelt before the Captain and slowly lifted his chin so that he was looking at her. "I just wanted to make sure you understood something, Mister Fox," she stated in a kind tone of voice. "This whole time, whether or not we cheated or played fair was entirely irrelevant. Do you know why?" She clapped his shoulder firmly. "Either way, you never stood a snowball's chance in the desert against us."
And with that, Vivi stood up, leaving Foxy to stare ahead in blank-eyed horror as she turned to address the equally paralyzed ref. "Oh, Mister Referee~!" she sing-songed, snapping the man out of his shock. "If you would be so kind as to announce the verdict of this match, I would very much appreciate it."
The ref shuddered fearfully as he snapped his gaze between her and Foxy. "I-I-I, uh, I-I d-don't—!"
Without a hint of warning, Vivi's expression suddenly shifted to a look that screamed nothing short of cold-blooded murder. "NOW."
The ref jumped in terror and flailed for a second as he fumbled with the whistle he'd tossed in his panic before finally managing to grab hold of it with both of his shaking hands—
FWEEEEEEEEEEET!
And announce our crew's unmitigated victory. And at that moment, the Straw Hats erupted in raucous celebration. I took the opportunity to strut over to Itomimizu and snag Chubby's microphone. "And, with the Foxy Pirates beaten at their own game of rules-lawyering, the Straw Hat Pirates steal the victory before the notorious Groggy Monsters can do anything whatsoever! And now, it's time for the Straw Hats to choose which of the Foxy Pirates they want to take for their crew!"
I didn't spare any thought towards what they'd do; maybe if Luffy hadn't remembered what he did from Shanks, they would have considered stealing Foxy to win the last match by default. But as it was, Luffy wouldn't be cheated out of the whole reason he accepted this fight, especially with the added rage of my having gone briefly away, regardless of our well-placed confidence that I'd come back. So, there was really only one thing that they could say.
Buuut that didn't mean I wasn't going to milk this opportunity that I knew I would never get again for all it was worth. "So, who will they choose? The emcee, Itomimizu, has quite a lot of character, and maybe they'd want to take him for his role in costing them the last game! But, by that logic, they might want to choose the fast-swimming Monda, despite their inability to communicate two ways with the shark, or the much more appealing choice of Porche, the deceptively powerful and beautiful first mate! Or, I suppose that I, Jeremiah Cross, could be a good choice."
Both crews were looking at me with equal parts exasperation and amusement as I started whistling nonchalantly. "Buuut, honestly, if I'm not chosen, I suppoooose I could stay here for another—"
"SHUT UP AND COME BACK, CROSS!" Luffy cheered joyously.
"Somebody cut this ugly-ass mask out of my hood right this instant before I rip it out with my bare hands!" I announced as I marched back to my real crew, pushing the hood of my hoodie away from my face. "Leave the ears though, I like 'em."
"I have to admit, I like them too," Su remarked.
"THAT ain't saying MUCH," Soundbite cackled ecstatically.
"Damn straight!" Leo snickered as he unsheathed one of his swords. "Now then, stay very still, Cross…" He then moved his arm so fast it blurred, and the mask dropped away before my eyes.
I waved my hand before my face before sighing in relief. "Ah, now that's much better. Only one thing missing now!" I held my hand up to Conis. "If you would do me the inestimable honour of snailing me, m'lady?"
Conis chuckled lightly at the display. "It would be my honour, Cross." And with that, she tossed Soundbite over to me, and I caught the grinning snail easily before putting him back on my shoulder.
I rolled my shoulder with a contented sigh. "Ah, much better. I was really missing this dead weight!"
"And I was missing MY FAVORITE mobile armchair!" Soundbite snickered with his tongue stuck out.
"Heh. But you know, if I didn't enjoy anything else while I was there, I have to say that the Foxy Pirates have a very interesting library," I said. "On the note of which… Soundbite, Gastro-Amp."
"Gladly!" the snail chirped.
"In light of how clearly shocking this victory was," I drawled. "I propose that we initiate a two-hour break until the preparation for the final round of the Davy Back Fight. Are there any objections?" Nobody replied. "Good, two hours it is then." I moved my hand across my throat, and Soundbite stopped as I clapped my hands. "Now, let's get back to the Merry." I frowned solemnly as I eyed the Foxy's. "We need to do a bit of strategizing with what I found out."
An uneventful period of walking later, aside from Zoro and Sanji gladly resuming their rivalry and brawls, found us gathered around Merry's table with walls of wood and sound blocking out any eavesdroppers. At that point, I turned to the crew. "Alright, first things first: that was genius, you guys. I mean, I already had a cheat lined up, but it wasn't a surefire thing and had a good chance of flopping. You guys pulled off something better than I could before mine even triggered, and for that…" I grinned goofily as I ran my hands through my hair beneath my hat. "Man, this means more to me than you can even imagine."
"Would you believe that it was all Soundbite's idea?" Chopper asked. "I guess some of your skills have rubbed off on him."
I raised my eyebrows and looked at the gastropod, who was grinning proudly. "…OK, are you telling the truth, or is some sort of bet going on that I'll actually buy that right away?"
"Both," several voices groused, fishing around in their pockets for bills and trading them around to several smug onlookers.
"I'M SMART, Cross IS smarter. Even if he DOESN'T ALWAYS ACT LIKE IT!"
"Oh, shut up," I said good-naturedly before turning my attention to Vivi. "And I have to say, that 'frigid Stepford Smiler' act was… was pure awesomeness. First out-haggling Nami, now out-cheating Foxy? I suppose next you're going to out—"
"Cross," Luffy warned.
I raised my hands defensively. "Oh, fine, fine… Well, I guess we should hurry up and get to the serious stuff." I locked eyes with my captain. "Luffy, do you have any ideas in mind for what to do when you win the captain's fight? I mean, the way I saw it, you took their Jolly Roger and gave it to Tonjit, but I'm guessing you don't feel quite so inclined this time around."
Luffy frowned thoughtfully for a second, but in the end, he nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you're right. If that bastard had actually hurt Shelly, then I probably would have, but she's alright now, so…"
"That's what I thought," I nodded solemnly. "Then in that case, if you'll hear me out…" I looked around the room. "I'd like to suggest who we choose as our prize, as well as how we go about it. Now!" I held my hands up hastily. "You're all going to think I'm absolutely nuts and, believe me, I know that it's a nut-house grade crazy idea, but I honestly believe that this will benefit us in the long run."
"You and your long cons and high-stakes gambles," Nami said, rolling her eyes. "I'm honestly impressed that you've managed to make me say that twice now."
"Oh, come on, it can't be crazier than what he's done so far," Zoro said. "What's your idea, Cross?"
Before answering, I slid on my headphones and made sure that they were properly secured, because I sure as heck was going to need them.
Sadly, I… miscalculated somewhat, as ten seconds after I tendered my suggestion, I was struck by a barrage of pure muscle, as opposed to the barrage of sound I'd been expecting.
---
Two hours later, I sank into a sitting position on the figurehead of Foxy's ship with a groan, leaning my back as I tried to relax. Freaking hell, was that not pleasant?
"Hello, Cross," Ito sneered at me with a sidelong glance as he tapped his foot patiently, keeping a distracted eye on the interim fight that was going on a few feet away from us. "Have a fun reunion with your crew?"
"Shut that damn bear trap you call a jaw and hand me that thermos of hot chocolate you're carrying, pencilneck," I growled as I held my hand out to him.
Itomimizu cocked his eyebrow in surprise before shrugging and tossing said thermos to me.
"Ah…" Soundbite spoke up hesitantly as he glanced at the thermos. "Think I could try some of—?"
"Go chug a salt shaker," I deadpanned.
"FAIR NUFF."
I started chugging the nice, scalding cocoa, relishing how the burn of the liquid coursing down my throat obscured the rest of the aches I was suffering from. And, good God, was I suffering.
After I made my (admittedly insane-sounding) proposal, my dear, dear friends and comrades promptly put me through two. Whole. Hours of what could best be described as a gauntlet of anti-brainwashing techniques, impostor trials and forced detoxification. I won't go into the details, for the sake of both my sanity and the sleep of decent folks everywhere, but suffice to say it was almost enough to make me reconsider the whole idea just so that it would come to an end sooner. Thankfully, I managed to pass on the rationalization for my decision before the break time was up, though by then I already felt like a tenderized steak.
One rigged cannon shot, and ten minutes later, the majority of both our crews were situated in the stands the Foxy's had constructed to watch the show go down. I was waiting on the ship's figurehead with a less-than-enthused Itomimizu so that we could make the introductions, while the rest of the crew, sans Usopp, Luffy, and Sanji, were up in the stands, looking forward to the upcoming match. Sanji was occupied with preparing the test I'd had in mind since Alabasta, while Usopp and Luffy were, of course, preparing for the match.
The Foxy Pirates were in a state of anticipation; they'd only barely managed to win the first round, and the second round ended before it started, so they were equal parts determined and nervous as they awaited the start of the final round, the only one that, according to them, they had never lost before. 920 Captain's Duels, 920 victories. Well, it looked like that perfect record was about to come to an end.
At last, Itomimizu took hold of Chubby's mic, having apparently received a signal, and I stood up and did the same with my transceiver.
---
"Don don don don!"
SLAP!
"YEOWCH!" Woop Slap yelped, shaking his hand out with an agonized grimace. "Damn it, Makino, will you please—!"
"No, you listen to me, Mayor!" Makino snapped as she waved the ladle she was holding at him. "I might respect you, but this is my bar, and Bluey is my snail, so it is my decision, and this broadcast, however controversial it might be, is the most reliable source for information on Luffy's journey in the world. So, no, Woop Slap, I will not hang it up." She crossed her arms. "And why are you strident about not listening, anyway? The World Government's reaction? Need I remind you that those bastards are the self-same people who killed Ace and Luffy's brother!?"
"And they'll do the same to us if we needlessly antagonize them!" Woop Slap snarled, slamming his cane on the bar to punctuate the point.
Makino's glare wavered for a second before she steeled herself and turned to her Transponder Snail. "That's a chance I'm willing to take." And with that, she turned around and picked up the receiver, already a ways into the broadcast.
"—apologize for the sudden cut off, but there were complications beyond our control. You see, after we last left off, we did, in fact, barely lose to the Foxy Pirates on the Donut Race. As a result, one of ours was lost to the Foxy Pirates. More specifically…" The snail grimaced. "I was briefly part of their crew."
"Hmph. The rubber brat was too cocky and paid the consequences."
THWACK!
"Ow!" Woop Slap yelped and raised his hands defensively as the ladle raised again for another strike. "Alright, alright!"
"But! Thankfully enough, via a total freak accident that no one could have predicted—" A distinct grumbling sound came over the connection, not sounding like Cross. "The second round, known as the Groggy Ring, was over before it began, resulting in my return to my rightful place at my crew's side. And so, we now come to the real event, the main reason that our captain accepted this most dangerous game in the first place: the Captains' Duel."
Woop Slap was clearly struggling not to drop another snide remark, if the constipated grimace on his face was anything to go by. Luckily, another one of the bar's patrons did it for him.
"Aw, c'mon, Luffy! His face can't have been ugly enough to risk a crewmate to bash it in!"
Makino frowned but found herself unable to offer a rationalization for it.
"Now, as for those of you wondering why Luffy elected to take on this challenge, rather than simply bashing his face in right then and there? Well, as we've stated before, we don't kill our opponents… or at least, not in body. We beat them at their own game, on their own turf, and leave them alive to watch everything they have crumble around them. In short, Luffy accepted this challenge so that he could bring Foxy's world crashing down around his ears."
"FAT CHANCE OF THAT!" came the outraged voice of Itomimizu. "Our captain has played this game nine hundred and twenty times, and won every single one of them!"
"Oh, yeah?" Cross drawled. "Well, this will be Luffy's first and hopefully only Captain's Duel ever, and I guarantee you that he won't lose."
"How about a toast to our champion?" Makino suggested over Itomimizu's incensed growling.
Woop Slap glowered, but accepted a glass with a sigh. "Fine. I might hate his career choice, but I certainly won't mind him beating up another pirate," he reluctantly admitted.
Makino started refilling glasses as Ito got his wits back about him. "Well, either way, it looks like it's time for the fight to begin! First, entering from the left ear—!"
"Don't ask," Cross deadpanned.
"The man with a million plans! The champion of cheating! The undisputed king of the Davy Back Fight! The undefeated victor of 920 duels! Weighing in at 24 Million, our captain and beloved boss, Foxy the Silver Fox!"
A chorus of cheers and cries of adulation rang out, all to the tune of what sounded like an entire brass band and topped by a confident "FEH FEH FEH FEH!"
"Top that," Ito scoffed cheekily.
"Gladly. Now, then… Entering from the right ear…" Cross proclaimed as an energetic song started playing. "Hailing from the East Blue, one of the most unique men alive! The Rubber-Brained Brawler, the Behemoth who always bounces back, the man who never follows the plan, the son of a bitch who just doesn't know how or when to quit! Weighing in at a heaping 100 Million, our captain and the future King of the Pirates! MOOOONKEY D. 'STRAW HAT' LUUUUUFFYYYYY!"
"YEEEEEAAAAAAAH!"
An even louder chorus of cheers rang out this time, no doubt generated by the crew's snail, but the bar's patrons and its owner were content to knock back their shots to it nonetheless.
"Wow!" Itomimizu yelped in shock. "It would appear that for this fight, Straw Hat Luffy has decided to don an afro that's larger than life, and looks like it's got the personality to match!"
The bar patrons promptly spat out their drinks at that statement and the image it conjured, though for various reasons.
Woop Slap, for example, was furiously waving his cane in the air. "DAMN IT, LUFFY, CAN'T YOU GO TEN SECONDS WITHOUT EMBARRASSING THIS HUMBLE VILLAGE!? SHAME! SHAME ON YOUR WHOLE FAMILY! SOMEONE MAKE A NOTE OF THIS!"
Makino, meanwhile, didn't discipline the mayor for his words because she was too busy pounding the bar, roaring with laughter, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks.
---
Vivi blinked slowly as she took in the spectacle before her, her expression carefully blank. "It's like watching Luffy eat…" she quietly breathed. "I know that it's horrific on a deep and basic level…" She slowly tilted her head to the side, her face never changing. "But I just can't bring myself to look away."
"So…" Conis asked, glancing between her friends as she pointed at her captain and his new head of hair. "I take it that this is not normal on the Blue Seas?"
"It ish fow us, anyways…" Carue quacked as he munched down on wingful after wingful of popcorn.
"... I'm okay with this," Nami simply stated.
Zoro looked at her in surprise. "Seriously? Because these seem like the kind of antics that would set you off."
"About a month or so ago?" The navigator shrugged indifferently. "Maybe so. But after all we've been through? No, no, I'm… quite simply numb to it. Especially something as relatively tame as this."
Zoro looked unconvinced, but the sound of crying drew their attention, and he dropped it. Navigator and swordsman glanced over to where Boss had been sitting to find him prostrated on the ground, tears streaming down his face.
"B-Boss!" his students cried, gathering around him in concern.
"Are you alright, Boss?!" "What's wrong?" "Are you hurt?" "I-Is this another Romance!?"
"No… No, my students, that object is no mere Romance…" the senior dugong breathed as he shook his head, tears glistening in his eyes. "What you see before you…" Boss suddenly shot to his tail, arms spread wide before the world. "WHAT YOU SEE IS NOTHING LESS THAN A MAN'S MIRACLE! A HEAVENSENT SIGN INTENDED TO DO NOUGHT ELSE BUT TO BRING TO THE WORLD THE GOOD MESSAGE OF TESTOSTERONE AND ABSOLUTELY RIPPED ABS!"
"OH, BOSS!" the TDWS wept, flippers clasped together.
Boss then proceeded to point a 'finger' into the air. "AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I TOO SHALL DON THE AFRO, FOR GREAT MANLI—!"
THWACK!
"AND THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE FUCKING LINE!" Nami raged, her Clima-Tact still smoking from being cracked over the now-insensate Dugong's skull.
"BOSS, NO!" his students wept anew, this time out of misery.
Nami huffed and sat back in her seat, fuming silently as Luffy posed and grandstanded before she heaved a sigh of defeat. She was silent for a moment before smiling coyly and glancing to her left. "Well, everyone else might have gone mad, but at least you're still sane, right, Sanji? … Sanji?" Nami turned to the cook in concern when she saw that he was hunched forward and shivering violently. "Sanji, are you alri—?"
"SO FUNKY!" the cook roared with a distinct accent as he shot to his feet without warning, fists raised to the heavens. "I CAN FEEL HIS JIVE LIGHTIN' A FIRE IN MY SOUL!"
"OH, COME ON!" Nami roared furiously.
"AMEN, BROTHER SANJI!" Cross roared from the Sexy Foxy in the exact same accent, where he was clearly pointing at Sanji.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" the navigator roared at their tactician furiously, knowing full well that he could hear her.
"FEEL THE FUNK BLAZE THROUGH YOU LIKE A GREAT INFERNO, LIFTING YOUR SPIRITS EVER HIGHER, SO THAT YOUR SOULS MIGHT REACH THE GREAT HEAVENS!" Cross proclaimed, grinning like an absolute madman. "PRAISE BE TO THE AFRO! PRAISE BE TO THE JIVE! PRAISE BE TO THE FUNK, THE RHYTHM AND THE RHYME! CAN A BROTHER GET A HALLELUJAH?"
"HALLELUJAH!" Soundbite concurred through his ecstatic cackling, the words accompanied by a blare of brass.
"Don't believe me, just watch!"
The beat continued, with most of the audience bobbing their heads to the music.
"HALLELUJAH!" Soundbite belted out again.
"HALLELUJAH!" the crowd roared, Boss' voice rising above all others.
"Yeah, you go, gatemouth!" Su waved her tail eagerly. "Jive with the groove, stick it to the man, show your hep chops!" She then blinked in confusion. "I have no idea what the hell I just said."
Back in the stands, Nami, face inscrutable, slowly eased her hand over to the loudly cheering Sanji, and then slipped it into his pocket. She was just lifting his lighter when a hand blossomed from Sanji's side and gently pushed it back in. "Nooooo," Robin hummed in a kind tone without so much as looking at Nami.
"But it would feel sooo good…" Nami whined childishly.
"I know, sweetie, I know."
---
"Don't turn around. Don't turn around. Don't turn around, don't you dare turn around," Hina muttered feverishly to herself.
She was determinedly focusing her attention on anything but the raucous cheering behind her, dancing along to the beat from the snail. Jango and Fullbody were expected. The rest of her crew, she supposed, she should have expected to crack sooner or later. But she had higher standards. She was more professional than this. She would not look at the party that was going on behind her, despite how tempted she was to do so. She would not allow herself to move to the music, despite how very tempted she was to do so. She would not—
"HALLELUJAH!" roared the snail.
"HALLELUJAH!" she echoed along with the rest of the people on board. She instantly clapped a hand to her mouth in shock. She held it there for a few seconds before her eyes narrowed.
"…Damn you, Cross, Smoker is never going to let me hear the end of this," she ground out. And then, bidding farewell to her sanity, she turned around and let the funk sweep her away.
---
Around her eleventh pizza, eighth burger, and sixteenth bowl of noodles of the day, Jewelry Bonney of the Bonney Pirates was struggling to keep from choking. The amount of food was no problem for her; she could eat twice her weight within an hour with a good supply and not slow down a bit. No, the problem came from the snail that she was currently listening to. How?
Because though her appetite refused to be sated, she simply could not hold back her laughter at what was happening with the Straw Hat Pirates. Only they could pull off something as ridiculous as this, only them.
"Hahaha, ahhh man, I am going to catch such hell for that once this is over and done with…" Cross snickered, no doubt wiping a tear out of his eye. "Well, that was fun, but I think we've delayed enough! Gentlemen, or whatever the hell is appropriate in this instance—man, I have wanted to say this for a long time. Soundbite, appropriate echoing effects, please?"
"Go for it, MISTER BUFFER!"
"LLLLET'S GET READY TO RRRRUMBLLLLLLLLE!"
Bonney had to redouble her efforts not to choke as she moved the massive ham on the table to get it in a better position. She pulled the roast pig closer, too.
---
Itomimizu stared at me in awe. "…Alright, wow. That was perfect. I need to use that one from now on."
"Good luck getting the R and L right without Soundbite," I snickered.
The Foxy announcer wilted for a moment before rallying and resuming his commentary. "Alright! All seconds out of the ring!" As Usopp and the other Foxy Pirates exited and we boarded the revitalized Chuchun, he recapped the rules of the fight while I whispered some last-minute advice to my captain. No way of knowing how much he'd listen, but we'd have to wait and see.
"Davy Back Fight! Final Round! Foxy the Silver Fox! Versus! Straw Hat Luffy! The clash between two captains, the fates of their crews are in their hands!" Itomimizu concluded. I exchanged glances and then grinned with him and Soundbite.
"Let the game… Begin!" the three of us chorused.