The floating restaurant Takoyaki 8 was currently experiencing its most intense rush in its short time as an active business.
"Hachin, we need more sake!" called a certain mermaid, scrambling about the remarkably cramped restaurant boat.
"And twelve more orders of Takoyaki!" said a certain talking starfish.
"And two hard-boiled eggs!" came a call from one of the patrons in an Italian accent.
"And two hard-boiled eggs!" the starfish added.
A HONK! came from the direction of the patrons.
"Make that three hard-boiled eggs!" Pappug hastily corrected.
"Nyu, I'm going as fast as I can! I only have so many hands!"
"And I can only swim so fast!"
"You have eight hands, and you're the fastest thing under the sea!"
"That's still not enough!" the mermaid and fishman chorused.
And what drew this unprecedented swarm of customers? Quite simple, really: the presence of a few Transponder Snails and the deployment of several floating table-extensions had transformed Takoyaki 8 from a mere stand into the Blue Seas' first floating, mobile sports bar. And today's main attraction? None other than the epic duel between a pirate that most present had never heard of before today and a pirate that anyone within ten miles of a Transponder Snail would have learned of in the last month.
"And they're off! Luffy starts off with his trademark Gum-Gum Pistol, and—" Cross' voice began.
"And with impressive agility, the Boss dodges and paralyzes Straw Hat's outstretched arm with his Slow-Slow Beam!" Itomimizu said eagerly. "It looks like the bigger they are, the harder they fall! The more he extends himself, the harder he'll trip when the beam's effects wear off!"
"Come on, Straw Hat!" called one table.
"Get 'im, trickster!" called another.
And somehow, both of them had followings among the listeners, who were putting away food faster than the kitchen could acquire and cook ingredients.
"More orders!" Pappug exclaimed, slapping the tickets toward the two workers as fast as his short limbs allowed him to. "Four batches of calamari and three batches of cuttlefish!"
"And two hard-boiled eggs!" came the Italian voice again.
"And two hard-boiled eggs!" Pappug repeated.
HONK!
"Make that three hard-boiled eggs!"
"When did our menu expand beyond takoyaki anyway, nyu?!" Hachi demanded, flipping, frying, and flinging so fast that his hair started to flop down over his face.
"When we got so many customers that I couldn't gather all the ingredients we needed fast enough, so I gathered other things instead!" Keimi responded, frantically handing off the ingredients before diving down for more.
"Aaand there it is. Luffy's left lying on the ground, and Foxy's about to fire his beam again. Luffy jumps to avoid it, and—"
"And the Boss pulls off a brilliant bluff, and fires his beam in the air instead! And here comes his signature attack, the Nine-Tailed Rush! The boss pummels his target with blow after blow, and when the thirty seconds are up, every hit goes through at once!"
"Whoa, that power has some serious potential," said one patron.
"It still can't beat a rubber man, blunt blows can't hurt him!" countered another.
"Nyu, Straw Hat may still be in trouble. Trickery is his weak spot," Hachi mused, not pausing in his work even as Keimi resurfaced, the mermaid starting to get a little out of breath.
"Alright, one more order and we've got all the patrons satisfied for now! Eight crab cakes, on the double!" Pappug called.
"And two hard-boiled eggs!"
"And two hard-boiled eggs!"
HONK!
"Make that three hard-boiled eggs!"
…Honk!
"And one duck egg!"
"WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A DUCK EGG OUT HERE?!" Keimi raged.
"Good point. Sir, would a duck-fish egg be an acceptable substitute?"
Ho-Honk!
"Make that one duck-fish egg!"
"Now that's a sane request! Thank you!" Keimi nodded before diving back into the water.
"I'm going to need more employees if this is going to become a regular thing," Hachi moaned, hastening to prepare the dishes for the backed-up kitchen. To his credit, he was making decent progress.
"And Luffy's sent flying off the ship, but now comes the benefit of being made of rubber! Besides the immunity to lightning, that story's already told and hopefully will never come into play again. Now, here he comes, getting back on the deck, and—"
"And falling right into another one of the Boss's traps!"
"…Well, ladies and gentlemen, as much as I hate to say that my fellow commentator is right—"
"HEY!"
"—I'm afraid he is in this case. Luffy just managed to narrowly dodge a bullet, or rather an un-Slow-Slow'd barrage of arrows, as it were. Given how much Foxy is warping this fight in his favour, I'd say that this demonstrates quite clearly the inherent capabilities of Devil Fruits. There are no weak powers, only weak users. Case in point: Foxy has just used his Slow-Slow Fruit to set up a floating minefield of projectiles. Arrows, bombs, cannonballs, daggers, everything from A to Z, and he's the only one that knows how long they'll stay slow."
"It's just our good luck that the arena was our ship where all of those weapons are!"
"Good wuck my feathewed yellow wump!" came Carue's grumbling voice, inciting snickers from most of the listeners, including the employees.
"Got the crabs!" Keimi called out as she resurfaced with a writhing net held over her head. "Alright, now let's get rid of this rush!"
"And two hard-boiled eggs!" called the patron.
"And two hard-boiled eggs!" echoed Pappug.
HONK, HONK, HO-HO-HONK HONK HONK, HO-HO-HONK, HO-HO-HONK HONK HONK, HO-HO-HONK, HO-ONK!
"It's either foggy out, or make that twelve more hard-boiled eggs," Pappug remarked.
Hachi and Keimi groaned as they got back to work.
---
"Eesh, and I thought FOXY'S NARCISSISM WAS BAD BEFORE, BUT BOMBS SHAPED LIKE HIS OWN head? THAT'S JUST—!"
WHAM!
"GAH!" Luffy cried out in pain.
"HOLY SHIT!"
"What the hell!?" Boodle sat up in his seat, staring at the Transponder Snail as it coughed in Luffy's voice, accompanied by a gout of blood. "But Luffy's a rubber man, and the previous punches didn't hurt him at all!"
Chouchou whined in agreement, eyes glued to the snail.
"What the—!?" Cross sputtered in confusion. "Luffy's face looks like a tenderized steak after just one punch when he bounced back from the previous punches without worry! What just happened!?"
"Fehfehfehfeh! That's easy!" Foxy crowed eagerly. "I reinforced my gloves!"
"Reinforced!? Those things look like fucking morningstars!"
"Hey, this is the Grand Line, and I can barely benchpress seventy-five. I need to even the odds somehow! Are you really going to call me out for zat?"
"I sure the hell will when it's my goddamn captain you're evening them against!"
"Feh, so be it. Though to be fair, I'd withhold your hatred for a moment."
"Huh? Why?"
"Because the thirty seconds on the bombs are up, and they're going to do a lot more than tenderize."
KA-BLAM!
The sound of explosions, almost as loud as Cross' foghorn, boomed across the connection, and the snail grit its teeth in anxiety for the duration of the din.
"Luffy? Luffy!? LUUUUFFYYYYY!" Usopp cried out desperately.
"DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, that was 100% NATURAL!"
Then came Itomimizu's supremely smug voice again. "Well, it looks like Straw Hat may have been blown to smithereens! If that's the case, then he loses as soon as one of his body parts leaves the arena! Another victory for our captain—"
"HE'S safe! UP ON the MAST!" Soundbite interrupted.
"WHAT?" Itomimizu roared. "He—He's right! Straw Hat Luffy dodged to the top of the Sexy Foxy's mast! What incredible speed!"
"Don't count on Luffy being a corpse until you actually see him, wide-mouth!" Cross cackled.
"Damn right, you lousy rotten cheaters!" Boodle cheered eagerly. "Show them what's what, Strawhat!"
"Ruff, ruff!" Chouchou barked in agreement, howling his support as loud as he could.
---
In a country that had garnered much international attention over the last several weeks, both good and bad, within the throne room of the royal palace, a very serious war meeting had come to an abrupt, unexpected hiatus when the SBS began. One exchanged look between the royal family and the representative was all that was needed for them to agree.
"You know, while I'm not surprised that the Revolutionary Army has an interest in Jeremiah Cross and his knowledge and activities, it does surprise me that you'd prioritize it over official business," Chaka remarked.
"Especially when the current goings-on don't much affect the world itself," Pell added. "We're certainly not complaining, but we are curious."
The representative chuckled before looking back to the Royal Family. "Well, let's just say that Dragon and I have taken a personal interest in the SBS, and leave it at that. I'm honestly not sure why he hasn't extended the Straw Hats an invitation to join us yet."
"I'm going to tafe—ahem, mah, mah, MAH!—I'm going to take a guess and say that he's hesitant to involve himself in their madness?"
The man chuckled again.
"Fehfehfehfehfeh…"
Before they all turned their attention back to the snail as the all-too-familiar laugh echoed out of it.
"Ooh! Straw Hat may have dodged the first strike, but our Boss is waiting in the smokescreen, ready to strike again! His laughter robs Straw Hat of the opportunity to rest! Where will he strike? How will he strike?"
"There! There's his shadow!" Cross said. "And he's… are you kidding?"
"How did you like that?" Foxy slurred.
"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GOT HURT!" Luffy barked.
"I did not!" Foxy snapped indignantly.
"STOP LYING!"
"… Lying so blatantly that Luffy can see through it? This isn't just pathetic, this is starting to become downright embarrassing," Cross said in a tone as dry as the Sandora desert.
"Pathetic…? Embarrassing…?" Foxy's voice sobbed in a depressed tone.
"I'm feeling embarrassed by this," muttered King Cobra.
"GUM-GUM HOOK!"
A cry of pain from Foxy made the Revolutionary's grin widen.
"I'm going to break your hand so you can't use that beam anymore!"
"Oh, really?"
"Aaand Foxy dives back into the smoke. But Luffy spots him and knocks—what the… is that a cutout?"
"Slow-Slow Beam!"
"Ugh… alright, another point to Foxy; he's got so many cutouts in the smoke that there's no way of knowing where his beam will come from…" Cross was silent for a second before his grin was transmitted around the world. "If only they didn't all have the same split-headed haircut."
"Split-head…?"
"There he is!"
"STOP PICKING ON MY CAPTAIN!" Itomimizu snapped.
"ONLY WHEN HE STOPS PUNCHING MI—oooh, that's another suckerpunch from Luffy! That has gotta hurt!"
"You seem to be enjoying the fact that Luffy is winning quite a bit, Mister Revolutionary," Pell observed.
Said Revolutionary blinked. "…Huh. I honestly hadn't noticed. Maybe the SBS has grown on me more than I thought. But I thought I told you that there's no need to be so formal. Please," the Revolutionary grinned as he swept his top hat off and held it to his chest. "Call me Sabo."
---
"Alright, now I've got you! Stop running and fight me!" Luffy demanded.
"Grgh…" Foxy ground out darkly. "Okay… if you want a fight… THEN I'LL GIVE YOU ONE! Oh, but one quick thing first."
"Huh? What?"
"Would you mind looking up one second?"
"Come on, not even rubber-brain is that stupid!" Su's voice called out.
"Sure thing! What do you want me to look at?"
"Then again, I have been wrong before…"
"Oh, nothing much, Straw Hat…" Foxy sneered. "JUST THE LAST SKY YOU'LL SEE IN YOUR LIFE!"
KLUNK!
"GAH!"
"Looks like the Captain managed to successfully trick Luffy into falling into a trapdoor!" Itomimizu crowed.
"Ah, the humble trapdoor," Cross sighed wistfully. "A true classic in the book of trap-making. Most of the time, there's not a lot of shame in being caught with one."
"This is not one OF THOSE TIMES…" Soundbite groaned.
"Ugh, young people these days," slurred a grizzled, grey-haired man as he swayed back and forth on his stool. "Playing around with all these gimmicks and tomfoolery and tricks and stuff… whatever happened to just clashing fists, swords, or pistols like real men?"
"If it's any consolation, Straw Hat sounds almost as frustrated as you are," the nearby bartender pointed out.
"Urgh… that's some mercy, but even with the motive he has, he still agreed to the game," Rayleigh grumbled, tossing back his empty bottle onto the growing pile and reaching for another. "And besides, I know about the Groggy Ring. The only way he could have ended that early was by playing even dirtier than the foxes." Having acquired a new bottle, the Dark King yanked the cork out with his teeth and promptly knocked back a mouthful. "Good grief. Things used to be so simple, too."
"Even so, is one crew's Davy Back Fight trickery really enough to make you want to drink this much?"
"Check the month," Rayleigh replied.
Frowning as the SBS reported Luffy getting back on the deck with his powers, Shakky did so. She proceeded to stiffen for a moment before giving Raleigh a sympathetic look. "I see. Take care on your trip to Loguetown. And pour one out for me as well."
Rayleigh cracked a sad smile around the bottle's muzzle.
"Aha! Straw Hat takes the captain's bait, and so the fight moves into the ship itself! Now we can't even see what's going on!"
"Maybe not, Ito, but we can still hear it, and that's half of the equation! Right, Soundbite?"
"I AM ZE GREATEST IN Za Warudo!"
---
"Alright, so courtesy of Soundbite's abilities, we'll be broadcasting everything that happens on the ship. Buuut to keep things fair, we won't broadcast what Foxy and Luffy say to each other. I mean, our captain doesn't need trickery to win, really."
"HEEHEEHEEhoohoohoo! BURN!"
"Your faith in your captain is admirable, but we'll see how well he actually does!"
"And here's hoping it's a flashy smackdown with that rubber idiot on the receiving end!" Buggy barked with a pump of his fist. "Go, my brother in flashiness! Pound that rubber-brained bastard's head into the ground!"
"Hmm hmm, yes, best of luck to—hm?" Alvida paused in her chuckling as a thought struck her. "Wait a second… Buggy, you're always quite specific when you write in the logbook, yes?"
"But of course!" The pirate-clown raised his nose in a sniff, unwittingly causing a tsunami on the opposite side of the world in the process. "I might embellish and make things read as slightly flashier than they really were, but I never lie! Believe me…" Buggy's expression became ashen, visible even under his makeup. "The first mate of the first ship I worked on made sure of that…"
"Right…" Alvida cocked her eyebrow at the reaction before continuing. "But anyway, I read your log a while back, and the thought occurs to me… besides stabbing Roronoa and doing some damage to Luffy's hat, did you ever actually manage to land a—" She stopped as she processed the disembodied hand holding a knife mere millimetres in front of her eye.
"Your Smooth-Smooth skin is supposed to protect you from any attacks, be they bladed or blunted," Buggy stated in a tone of frigid calm. "But I'm personally curious as to whether or not it protects your eyes if something is shoved in hard enough, too. So help me, Alvida, if you don't stop provoking me, I'll find out, and you may find yourself looking more like a stereotypical pirate. Am I clear?"
Alvida did not flinch, but neither did she continue to speak. Buggy withdrew the blade with a huff. "And for the record, I did draw blood, and more importantly, I got him to be serious. That's at least more than you ever did."
Buggy took great satisfaction in the ugly scowl that marred Alvida's face.
"Anyway, it would appear that Luffy's still looking for Foxy, and is currently searching the ship's rather impressive gun deck. Ah, but wait! A closed door has indicated Foxy's position!"
"A door on the gun deck, huh?" Ito grinned eagerly. "Then that can only mean the nefarious Spike Hell trap! It looks like Luffy's in quite a bind, because if he rushes in blindly, he'll suffer the consequences of that which lies beyond!"
"Huh? There's a trap beyond the door?" Luffy asked in surprise. "Wow, thanks, wide-mouth!"
"Wait, wha—YOU'RE STILL BROADCASTING WHAT WE'RE SAYING TO THEM!?"
"Yes, ah am, yes ah am!"
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM NOT NEEDING TRICKERY!?"
"Well, first off, I only said that we wouldn't broadcast their voices to each other, and second, while Luffy doesn't need trickery to win, I'm sure as hell not above perpetrating it for his sake! I'm sure that's a concept you're familiar with, no?"
"Grrrghh…"
BOOM!
"Gah! What was tha—? DID HE JUST FIRE A CANNON INSIDE OUR SHIP?!"
"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME, STRAW HAT?!"
"Hey, widemouth said that there was a trap in there, so I just didn't go in!"
"Widemou—? ITOMIMIZU, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I'M GOING TO USE YOU AS A PUNCHING BAG!"
"MEEP!"
"Oh, yeah, now I REMEMBER! HE REMINDS ME OF BEAKER! GEEZE, THAT'S BEEN BOTHERING ME ALL DAY…"
"Well, now that you mention it…"
"I AM NOT A MUPPET!"
"…Well, that's a phrase I never thought I'd hear again," Buggy muttered to himself.
Alvida shot him a bemused look. "What the hell kind of ship did you serve on before going independent?"
"That, my dear, is a secret that I fully intend to take to my grave," Buggy replied, halfway between smug and serious.
"Huh. Wasn't sure you'd know that one," Cross muttered. "Anyway, where were we? Oh, right. Luffy was hunting down Foxy so that he could pound his face in."
"Not for long, he's not," Foxy muttered, along with the sound of a closing door. "Foxy Face Transformation!"
---
"Oh, hello, dear!"
The members of Thriller Bark's locally infamous Mysterious Four stared at the Transponder Snail in a combination of shock and horror as an ear-achingly falsetto voice scratched at their ears.
"What brings you here, hm?" Foxy asked faux-meekly, his voice quite obviously wavering from fatigue. "A-Are you numb? Is it your skull? That's it, isn't it, you're a numbskull?"
"That is both one of the best and worst medical pun-insults that I have heard in all my life," Hogback deadpanned.
"…I'm not sure what's more pathetic, the fact that Foxy thought that would fool anyone, or the fact that it apparently has if he's actually still using it," Absalom muttered, and then frowned deeper as the sound of a door closing and footfalls came across the connection. "And there we are, Straw Hats leaving, more testament to his sheer—"
"OH, WAIT! That face…"
"Oh? Is there hope for Straw Hat yet?" Moria wondered aloud.
"HEY! ARE YOU HIS SISTER?"
"Apparently not," Hogback sighed.
"Well, well, it would seem that Foxy's utterly pathetic ploy has actually managed to work! How any mask, especially one that horrific, could possibly hide that amount of ugliness, utterly boggles the mind!"
The sound of someone slumping to their knees, along with a heavy metallic clunk, was clearly transmitted. "I wish I were a sea slug…" a pathetic voice whimpered.
"…Perona, when did you expand your range that much?" Absalom asked the bemused Ghost Princess.
"I didn't. He's just got the lowest self-esteem I've ever heard of," she said dryly.
A sudden THWACK cracked over the connection, causing the snail to wince. "OW! WATCH IT, ITO!"
"WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!?" the opposing commentator snarled back. "BOSS, YOU'RE NOT UGLY! YOU'RE WONDERFUL! YOUR WHOLE CREW IS BEHIND YOU!"
"Fehfehfehfeh!" Foxy piped up smugly. "But of course I am! None are greater than Silver Fox Foxy!"
A heavy sweatdrop hung from Perona's head. "Make that the most delicate self-esteem I've ever heard of."
"Wait a second… YOU'RE FOXY, AREN'T YOU!?" Luffy suddenly roared.
"… Whoops," Foxy and Ito chorused, before a series of rapid footfalls and doors opening came across the connection. Finally, it stopped.
"I'm gonna kick your—"
"W-WAIT, WAIT! C-Can you at least wait long enough for me to take my pain medication?" Foxy hastily begged.
Luffy's grumble was audible, but he didn't deny him. And a few seconds later, there was the sound of a bottle opening…
SPROING! "AH, what the—?"
"SLOW-SLOW BEAM, DINGUS!"
"… Soundbite? I think I recognized that sound. Please tell me that I didn't. PLEASE tell me that Foxy didn't just outsmart Luffy with literally the oldest trick in the book."
"I wish I could, Cross. I REALLY WISH I could," Soundbite moaned. "He fell for the PAPER SNAKES IN A BOTTLE!"
"Luffy, you complete fucking moron."
"Fehfehfehfehfeh! That's the one trick I've kept that's never worked before; it was just too much of a classic to discard! I honestly didn't think I'd ever use it as more than a party favour!" Foxy cackled. "Now then, in return for all the pain you've dealt me… NINE-TAILED RUSH!"
"AAAAAAAARGH!" Luffy slowly cried out in pain as yet another round of impacts rang out.
Absalom winced and rubbed his jaw sympathetically. "I have an inch of leather protecting me, and even I think that hurts..."
"Kishishishi!" Moriah snickered grimly as he bared his fangs. "It just goes to show: never underestimate the tricksters! Represent, Foxy! Kishishishi!"
Finally, the barrage halted, and Foxy was left panting and wheezing. "Eesh… that took it out of me… never had to do so many Rushes in succession... credit to you, Straw Hat, you're one of the toughest fights I've had in years. But now… we move to something horrible." The sound of mechanical grinding, followed by the echoey howl of wind. "Ah, but of course, it's not alive. After all, that would be against the rules. I presume the snail can attest to that, no?"
"Soundbite?"
"It might not be alive, BUT SOMETHING'S SURE THE HELL DOWN THERE!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?"
"Your captain is about to find out. Time's up, Straw Hat."
The sound of fists smacking into rubbery flesh rang out anew, and Luffy cried out in both pain and panic for a second before his voice suddenly took on an echoey tone.
---
"Sounds like Straw Hats' in SUPER! trouble now. I wonder what Split-head's gonna do next?" wondered a man in a very revealing outfit.
"I'm wondering what he deems so horrible that he purposely led Straw Hat to it. It must be a powerful weapon," said another man wearing half a pair of unique goggles, his perpetual grin faded in favour of a thoughtful expression.
"Ugh… man, that hurt..." Luffy groaned miserably before blinking in confusion. "Wait… where am I? And where's that dumb fox!?"
"Up here, Straw Hat!" Foxy's voice suddenly called out. "And to answer your first question, you're deep in what I call the belly of the beast! Allow me to introduce you to the pinnacle of over a dozen shipwrights and inventors from all corners of the world collaborating to create the perfect war machine!" A mechanical howl of fury rang out throughout the room. "THE GORILLA PUNCHER #13!"
"Huh… that's actually kinda cool," Luffy whistled. "One question, though."
"What?"
"Is the gorilla head necessary?"
"…Necessary?" Foxy repeated.
"Whatever that thing is, it has a gorilla head?" Mozu asked in a dull tone.
"They built 13 of them?" Kiwi concurred.
"Luffy actually knows a word with that many syllables?" Nami's voice asked in the same tone.
"COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT!" Foxy roared, fury obvious in his voice. "YOU WON'T BE LAUGHING MUCH WHEN I BEAT YOU INTO A PULP! GORILLA PUNCHER #13, DEPLOY!"
A whiffing sound came from the call, followed by Soundbite's confused voice.
"ITO, what exactly is THAT THING?!"
"Ah, I didn't think I'd ever get to answer that question!" Ito said happily. "The Gorilla Puncher #13 is the Boss' ultimate weapon! A 36-foot-tall machine with 25 five-foot-tall boxing gloves attached to the front! They deploy at the boss's orders, firing hard, firing fast, and just outright firing, bursting into flames on impact! What's more, the room it's in has a mirror in the back to reflect the Boss' Slow-Slow Beams, making it nearly impossible to dodge the gloves! And, as the final touch, it's even capable of moving on caterpillar treads!"
"Yeah, at what sounds like A MILLIMETER A MINUTE!"
"Unfortunately, that's because the only way to power the machine is via peddling! As glorious as our boss is, he's not really what you'd call a 'leg man'."
Franky suddenly stiffened, then took out a piece of paper and began sketching on it, his face a mask of concentration.
"What's up, Big Bro?" the Square Sisters asked as they looked over his shoulder.
"Well, you know, all things considered, while I'm SUPER! inclined to root for the Straw Hats..." Franky cracked his neck side to side with an eager grin. "I can't help but feel inspired by that machine. I think I might even go for an upgrade!"
"Yeah, like that wasn't obvious before," cut in Cross's wry tone.
"OKAY, NOW YOU'RE JUST STARTING TO PISS ME OFF, CROSS!" Foxy raged.
"Would you prefer I leave that to Soundbite instead?"
"Ooooooh—!" the snail started to sing eagerly.
"… Withdrawn," Foxy grumbled. "NOW, BACK TO MY WELL-DESERVED VENGEANCE! SLOW-SLOW BEA—!"
SMASH!
"GAH! THE MIRROR! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT COST, YOU BASTARD!?"
"About a tenth of Porche's cosmetic budget?" Chopper cut in.
"WATCH IT, YOU LITTLE—…huh. Actually, that's about right," Porche admitted.
"I just took Nami's usual wardrobe budget and doubled it."
THWACK!
"OW! DAMN IT, I WASN'T EVEN AMPED THAT TIME!"
"STOP GOING THROUGH MY RECEIPTS FOR SCRAP-PAPER, MISTLETOE-BREATH!"
"YOU MEAN HOLLY, AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT!"
"ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY! WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A CAPTAIN'S DUEL HERE!" Foxy roared furiously.
"Oh, fine. We'll let LUFFY get back to POUNDING YOU!"
"Right! GUM-GUM PISTOL!"
The sound of a heavy blow hitting flesh rang out, followed by a cry of pain.
"GAH! That's it, Straw Hat, you're through! Slow-Slow Beam!"
"Whoa! Oh, crap!"
"HA, that fancy footwork won't help you anymore! GORILLA PUNCH SOLID GOLD HITS!
And then, the connection became filled with a symphony of steel hitting flesh and fire burning, followed by a large explosion. A large amount of coughing later…
"Wow, what an intense match!" Cross whistled in awe. "This isn't the hardest fight Luffy's had in his life, but damn if it isn't one of the most cinematic!"
"That's an understatement! This is the closest to up close and personal that I've ever been to a beating from the Gorilla Puncher!" Itomimizu cried out eagerly. "But I'd know that detonation anywhere, and even if I can't see through all of this smoke, I know that there's only one outcome to this! Two forms are emerging, and…"
There was a second of bated breath before cheers erupted… from the Foxy Pirates.
"And the Boss is the only man left standing, while Straw Hat Luffy lies burned on the ground! It looks like the match is over!"
"LUFFY!" over half of the Straw Hats cried out.
"Holy crap…" Zambai breathed as the Franky Family fell silent.
Franky, meanwhile, was just as quiet, his eyes shadowed as he bowed his head, his arms crossed over his chest.
"Well, Straw Hat Luffy put up one hell of a fight, the toughest we've ever seen by far, but it looks like this match is over!"
"Only if you're willing to blatantly disregard the rules, wide-mouth."
"Huh? What the heck are you talking about, Cross?!"
"What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that this fight doesn't end until either a Captain's left the ring or one of them is no longer able to fight, so you better not even think about touching that bell, because we're sure as hell not done yet!"
"But Luffy is—!"
"HE'S UP! LUFFY'S GOTTEN UP!"
"HE WHAT!?"
"HE'S WHAT!?" the Franky Family roared in unison, shaking the Franky House down to its foundations.
"THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Cross roared in approval.
"I-I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M SEEING!" Itomimizu screamed in both shock and terror. "Straw Hat Luffy just took a beating that would kill most any other man alive… AND YET HE'S STILL STANDING AND READY FOR A FIGHT!"
"H-Holy crap..." Zambai stammered out incredulously.
"What the hell is he made of, rubber cement!?" Kiev questioned.
"Nah, it's the afro. That's what's giving him the strength he needs," Tamagon said, nodding sagely.
"So… you got back up," Foxy wheezed, obviously as much on his last legs as Luffy. "Guess there must be something in that afro after all."
There was suddenly a slightly electronic whoosh, followed by Luffy grunting in confusion.
"A lot of good it'll do you, though," Foxy grinned in a smug manner. "I just got you with my Slow-Slow sword. It lets me channel Slowmo photons into a concentrated beam. Less impact area, faster deployment. As it is, your arms and legs are frozen. Now… let's finish this. MEGATON NINE-TAILED RUSH! RUSH! RUSH!"
The previous beatdowns had been brutal, but this… this was just insane. It sounded as though an entire mob of people was wailing on Luffy, wrought metal smashing into rubbery flesh over and over and over again.
Finally, the barrage ended with the sound of a body crashing to the floor.
The connection was filled with the sound of laboured panting before, slowly, a wheezy chuckle started up.
"Fehfehfeh, fehfeh… eh?"
Leather scraped against wood, flesh groaned in protest, and then a second panting breath joined Foxy's.
"S-S-Straw Hat is up again!" Ito shrieked fearfully. "Even after taking so many blows… h-how is this possible!?"
"…Or is it more than just the afro after all?" Tamagon breathed.
"…damn…" Foxy eventually bit out. "Damn, damn, DAMN SNOT-NOSED ROOKIE! SLOW-SLOW BEAM!"
There was a slight grunt of annoyance more than anything…
"TAKE A HINT AND STAY DOWN, DAMN IT! MEGATON NINE-TAILED RUUUUSH!"
And then the barrage came again, sounding even worse than the first, if that was at all possible.
Once again it ended, and once again only one person could be heard panting. "You did well, rookie…You fought hard…" Foxy wheezed heavily. "But this… is the end of the line."
The Franky House was silent as Foxy started to shuffle away.
"Luffy, come on! Get up! Keep fighting!" Usopp called out.
"Get up, Luffy!" yelled Conis.
"YOU CAN DO IT, LUFFY!" cried Chopper.
"SHOW US THE WILLPOWER THAT BEAT THE LIGHTNING-BASTARD!" Su shrieked.
"C'mon, Luffy, get up and pound that fox!" Lassoo snarled.
"It's not over yet, this is not over yet…" Cross growled beneath his breath.
"FIGHT, DAMN IT, FIIIIIIGHT!"
And yet, nothing happened.
"Oh my God…" Mozu whispered.
"D-Did he actually—?" Kiwi started to say—
SLAM!
—before she was interrupted by two massive fists crashing down on both sides of the Transponder Snail.
"GET UP, LUFFY!" Franky roared at the top of his lungs, glaring nails at the snail.
"B-Big bro!?" Zambai stammered in confusion.
"Damn it all, Strawhat, get the hell up!" the cyborg snarled, glaring bloody murder at the snail. "I know that we've never actually met, I know that you can't hear me, and I know that this is SUPER! crazy…" Franky grit his jaw as the ghostly whistle of a sea train roared in his ears. "But damn it, I know for a fact that people like you don't give up easily! You don't get taken down by a beating, you don't buckle under pressure, and you sure as hell don't give up! So get up, damn it! Get up and keep fighting! Get up and pound this bastard's head in!"
"Big bro…" the Franky Family breathed in collective awe. Said awe intensified as a very recognizable sound came across the connection, followed by a weak but firm voice.
"What..." Foxy breathed in dull horror before roaring in both fury and panic. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU!?"
"I won't lose… a single member of my crew… EVEN… IF IT KILLS ME!"
"Ah… ah… UNBELIEVABLE! STRAW HAT LUFFY HAS GOTTEN UP AGAIN!"
"THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! KICK HIS ASS, CAPTAIN!"
"GO, STRAW HAT, GO!" Franky roared, taking his signature pose as he did so.
"GO, STRAW HAT!" the Square Sisters echoed, mirroring Franky's movements.
"LU-FFY! LU-FFY! LU-FFY!" the Franky Family began to chant.
---
Elsewhere on the island of Water 7, one of the top five Galley-La shipwrights had moved to an isolated location to listen to the SBS.
He'd decided that it was a prudent move to seclude himself from his 'coworkers', on account of how the pirate's admittedly admirable determination was starting to have an effect on him.
More specifically, Rob Lucci's self-control was whittling away very swiftly, as evidenced by his starting to tremble and the immense effort it took to keep his expression neutral and his size constant.
He'd been barraged with flaming steel gauntlets and gotten up. He'd been barraged with spiked gauntlets twice, and he'd gotten up twice. And now, after briefly swaying the entire opposing crew in his favour, after the deceptively powerful pirate had struck him with what was supposedly his best shot, a punch at the speed of a cannonball and then the cannonball itself, he was getting up for a fourth time. And the words he spoke next…
"I'm… going to… win!"
Fatigued, but spoken with earthshaking resolve. And at that point, Lucci's control failed him, and his lips moved into a feral and bloodthirsty grin. His blood, his adrenaline, every inch of his body felt like it was on fire, and for all he tried to stay cool and calm, he couldn't deny the primal part of himself that absolutely loved it.
"You… win!?" Foxy spat ferociously. "As if! You're barely staying on your feet! But if you want a fight…" There was a rush of shoes on wood. "THEN I'M HAPPY TO OBLIGE! MEGATON NINE-TAILED—!"
There was a second of panting from Straw Hat, but then there was a hiss of breath. "Gum-Gum!" the pirate snarled out, a metric ton of steel in his voice.
"RUUUUSH!"
"GAAAATLIIIING!"
The noise that followed could only be described as absolute brutality. Two flurries of punches meeting one another head-on, fist against fist, skull against skull, the true totality of strength that both fighters could bring to bear.
"THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED!" Itomimizu called out in awe. "BOTH FIGHTERS ARE GOING ALL OUT, PUTTING EVERY FIBER OF THEIR BEINGS INTO ONE! FINAL! BRAWL!"
"THIS IS THE ULTIMATE SLUGFEST, PEOPLE!" Cross proclaimed in much the same tone, shouting to make himself heard. "FISTS ARE FLYING FASTER THAN THEY HAVE ANY RIGHT TO AND BOTH CONTESTANTS ARE TAKING A POUNDING! LUFFY MIGHT BE ON HIS LAST LEGS, BUT FOXY IS STILL MANAGING TO TAKE A LICKING AND KEEP ON KICKING! THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF A ROYAL RUMBLE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! THIS! IS! CRUNCH TIME!"
The punches continued, but slowed slightly, barely discernible. More obvious was that Foxy's punches were the ones slowing down, more and more of his grunts of pain and less and less of his sharpened punches coming through.
"How… can a dying man… fight so hard!?" Foxy spat, hacking out a glob of blood. "Grggh… Enough… ENOUGH! THIS ENDS NOW! SLOW-SLOW BEA—!"
Without any warning whatsoever, the sound of the brawl died, leaving nothing but absolute silence.
"W-What the—?" Itomimizu breathed numbly. "B-Both fighters are just standing there…"
Murmurs of confusion started to drift over the connection. Then the sound of something hitting the floor.
"Wha—STRAW HAT IS DOWN!?" Itomimizu cried joyously. "STRAW HAT IS DOWN, AND THE BOSS IS STILL STANDING!"
"But Luffy is the only one moving!" Cross cut in, cackling like a cut-rate stage villain.
"Wait, wha—WHAT!?" the Foxy's commentator gasped in shock.
"Daaaaamn yooooouuuuu," Foxy's voice ground out slower than expected.
"H-HE'S RIGHT! THE BOSS IS FROZEN! B-B-BUT HOW!?"
Then came a clinking sound, followed by Soundbite roaring with laughter. "THE MIRROR! LUFFY'S AFRO SNAGGED A PIECE WHEN HE smashed it!"
"HAIL TO THE AFRO, BABY!" Cross concurred.
"This… is… the end…" Luffy ground out.
"Soundbite, care to do the honours?"
"YES, CROSS, I WOULD! Ahem… FINISH HIM!"
A sound of whirling rubber, and Foxy letting out a slow beginning of what was clearly meant to be a scream of terror.
"GUM-GUM… FLAIL!"
WHAM!
The sound of leather connecting with flesh, but nothing more. Luffy's panting became audible, and he started walking away.
"By Jones himself," Itomimizu breathed numbly.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have t-minus fifteen…" Cross breathed reverentially before grinning like a madman. "People of the world, I ask you to join me in the countdown to VICTORY! SAY IT WITH ME NOW, ALL TOGETHER! TWELVE! ELEVEN!"
The edges of the table were suddenly pulped by Lucci's claws due to the intensity of his grip, and saliva dribbled from his slavering jaws as he towered over the now utterly terrified snail. If he'd had any doubts in his mind before about what he would do after this mission was complete, they were well and truly dead now. The second his mission was complete, the second he was free, he would cash in every vacation day he'd been saving up for as long as he'd been alive, every last one of them, all for the express purpose of seeking out Straw Hat Luffy for the fight of his life.
"Ten," the leopard-man growled eagerly.
---
The leather-faced man was giving Enel a run for his money with his expression as he took in the broadcast coming from the snail in Enies Lobby's central office. Two of the other three inhabitants of the room had their jaws dropped as well, but were focused more on the fact that the Carnivorous Zoan had instinctively shifted to his hybrid form, unknowingly replicating the reaction of his rival several knots away.
"Nine," the wolf-man grinned, while his leader trembled as he remembered the geography of the local waters.
---
"EIGHT!" cheered every patron and employee in Takoyaki 8, Hachi being particularly exuberant.
---
"SEVEN, DO-RE-MI-SO!" Ryuboshi and Manboshi twirled in synch, causing their big-yet-younger sister to giggle as a result.
---
Beneath the ocean's surface in a space that most of the world did not know of, a man with a golden hook in place of his left hand smirked in response to the broadcast. He bore no grudge against the rookie that had annihilated his plans, but up until now, every broadcast had only reinforced his opinion of him as a complete and utter moron. But here was the proof that losing to him hadn't been a fluke brought about purely by extreme overconfidence. Here was… vindication.
"Six," Crocodile stated, smirking.
---
"Five," a trenchcoat-wearing man stated reluctantly at his partner's prompting. The young painter and the young dragon tamer nearby chuckled at him, while everyone else, apart from the stoic first mate, was crowing in euphoria, none more than the captain.
---
"FOUR!" cheered a trio of exuberant children who, along with an unusually interested butler, were all clad in afros, much to the butler's mistress's amusement.
---
"THREE!" a past-his-prime Vice Admiral roared in drunken exuberance, joined by his equally sloshed students.
Two of the Marines who were watching the impromptu party were sporting sweatdrops.
"Weren't those two brats drinking grape juice?"
"Yes. Yes, they were."
---
"TWO!" two sons and one daughter of the sea chorused as they pumped their fists victoriously, the daughter's dreadnought of a ship firing a deafening cannonade to punctuate the words.
---
In a country of pure white, a man who was changing the world stood on the balcony of his command center, staring out at the horizon even as his subordinates (those who weren't wearing noise-cancelling headphones as they continued to work, anyway) celebrated within.
Nevertheless, for all that he appeared apathetic, Dragon tilted his head down and grinned a grin that had caused the Elder Stars many a headache.
"One."
---
"ZERO!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs.
THWACK! "GYAGH!"
The effect was instantaneous: Foxy's face caved in as he was sent literally flying, the delayed impact launching him so high into the air that he was level with Ito and I.
I smiled as wide as I could manage as I watched Foxy fly up up up... before reversing momentum and falling down down down…
SPLASH!
And impacting the water.
I watched bubbles drift up from where he'd landed for a second before popping to my feet (which earned me an indignant "Watch it!" from Chuchun in the process) and pumping my fist in the air. "THE WINNER BY RING-OUT AND AN ABSOLUTE ASS-LOAD OF SHEER FUCKING GUTS!" I cried through my smile before pointing down at my captain, who was posing for the crowd. "MONKEY! D.! STRAAAW-HAAAT LUUUFFYYY!"
"YEAAAAAAH!" the rubber man bellowed.
I sighed, grinning widely. "Well, ladies and gentlemen of the world… what you witnessed today? That is the willpower needed if you're going to pledge your life to the pursuit of Gold Roger's throne and the world's greatest treasure. And once we wrap up the rest of this game, we'll get back to the pursuit of that. It'll only get harder from here, but I'm certain that we will overcome anything that this insane world throws at us. So, with our captain vindicated and his vengeance acquired, I think we're gonna end this here. Until next time, this is Jeremiah Cross—"
"And SOUNDBITE!"
"—Of the SBS, signing off!"
I replaced the transceiver before letting out a breath, and turning to Itomimizu again, a tired smile on my face. "A good match?"
The Foxy Pirates' announcer smiled grudgingly. "The best I've ever seen. You and your crew are all right."
"Same to you, wide-mouth!" I grinned before gesturing at the island. "Now then, I'm starting to get airsick, so what say we get back on solid ground?"
"Oh, yeah, sure thi…" Ito trailed off slowly before snapping his eyes wide in horror. "OH NO, THE BOSS!"
"HURRY, SAVE THE BOSS!" Porche cried desperately.
I started to snicker as I watched the Foxy's scramble to the front of the stadium...
"DIVE, CHUCHUN, DIVE!"
Before snapping my eyes wide in panic. "Wait, what?! Nononono—!"
SPLASH!
"ARGHBRBLRGH!" "IT BURNS, IT BURNS!"
---
One long period of resuscitation, medical treatment, and well-employed shipwrighting skills later, the Foxy Pirates were slowly packing up the festival that accompanied the Davy Back Fight, us Straw Hats watching and wrapping up our own treatments.
"Damn it, I wasn't even on the stands…" I muttered around the bandage strip I was holding in my mouth as I wrapped it around my arm and yanked, snapping the bandage from its roll.
"Well, look on the bright side!" Chopper prompted as he scrubbed the salt out of his fur.
"Alright, venison-breath, I'll bite," Su huffed as she squeezed her tail dry. "What bright side?"
Chopper nodded his head at a nearby bucket, whose lip Soundbite had parked himself over and was currently retching into. "Now we know that Soundbite's aversion to salt is entirely psychosomatic, and it only makes him ill instead of outright killing him."
Soundbite raised his eyestalks out of the bucket to glare bloody murder at Chopper. "Cold—HURK!" The snail's eyes went wide with horror as his cheeks bulged, hurriedly shoving his head back in the bucket and retching again. "Ugh… cold FUCKING COMFORT."
"You know, far be it from me to complain about it not being that easy to kill Soundbite, but how does that even make sense?" I wondered.
"Natural selection," Chopper answered with a glint in his eyes. "Transponder Snails have been in use on ships for communications for years. Those with too-weak constitutions and too-mucus-y bodies fried and those who were tough enough survived." Chopper then blinked and paused for a second before continuing. "And for the record, that resistance is against seawater, where the salt's diluted. I'd still recommend avoiding the pure stuff like the plague."
"Noted…" I said, slowly scooting away from the doctor.
"Knock it off," Chopper rolled his eyes dismissively. "I know that I was using the madness voice. I've been trying to get it under control recently! I've actually been making some great progress, too. Watch!" Aaaand there was the spark again. "So long as I keep the partition down for only a minute or so at a time, I can keep my mind sane and under control, so that I concentrate on the task at hand rather than going on a tangent about bio-technological improvement, advanced chemical warfare, vivisection, live TESTING—!"
THWACK!
"OW, DANG IT!… Thanks, Boss."
"Looks like you need more practice," the Dugong dryly stated.
"No, really? I hadn't noticed," Lassoo huffed as he coughed out a few tongues of fire.
"CAN WE GET ON WITH IT?!" Foxy suddenly howled at us.
"Ah, right! Straw Hat still has a decision to make! Who among the Foxy Pirates will he take for his crew?" Itomimizu asked, still on his loudspeaker.
"Yeah, yeah, hold your horses," I said, waving my hand as I jabbed my thumb at a snoring Luffy. "We wanted to wait for Luffy to wake up naturally, but if you insist… Chopper?"
The human-reindeer gave me a salute. "You got it, Cross." He dug a syringe of slightly… moving liquid out of his pack and delicately positioned it over Luffy's chest.
Then he swapped to his Muscle Point and rammed the syringe into Luffy's chest, discharging its contents into him and causing him to jolt before leaping up onto his feet.
"Impwessive bedside mannah," Carue snickered.
"HE LEARNED from the best," Soundbite snarked queasily.
"Get off my back, Luffy's skin might be rubbery, but it's as thick as ox-hide! I need to use as much muscle as possible to get through to him! I'm pretty sure that you must know what that's like."
"Withdrawn," Nami, Vivi and I chorused.
"Whoo! Better than smelling salts!" Luffy roared as he opened his eyes. "Ah! Wait, this isn't Makino's room!"
I opened my mouth and shut it with a click in the same instant. "So many questions. And absolutely none are in any way relevant to the issue at hand." I jabbed my thumb at Foxy's gathered crew. "You won, captain, so now we need to pick one of these mooks to have on our crew."
"Oh, that's easy," Luffy said. "I choose…!"
The Foxy Pirates collectively sucked in a breath, waiting for the verdict that would change one of their lives forever...
"Hold it!"
When Usopp's voice caused them all to face fault at once.
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!?" Foxy demanded.
"Just wait a second!" Usopp shot back before giving Luffy a hesitant look. "Luffy, Cross, I just want you both to know that I trust you two with my life, I really do, but…" He spread his arms helplessly. "This is just insane, even by our standards! Are you really sure that you guys want to do this?"
Luffy looked pensive for a moment, but then grinned. "Don't worry, Usopp, it'll be fine! If they try anything, we can fight them off! Right?"
"…And there's his deadly charisma again," Usopp grumbled.
"And besides," I added in. "Unless you've missed it, I've been on something of a hot streak. A few hiccups, sure, but come on, don't you trust me?"
The sniper gave me a flat look. "You, I have much less confidence in."
I gave him a dry look right back. "Well, fuck you, too." I sighed wearily before spinning my fingers. "Alright, enough chit-chat, let's get this over with. Captain, if you wouldn't mind?"
"Right!" Luffy nodded before pointing into the crowd.
Or rather, pointing at its front. "Foxy!"
For a few seconds, the entirety of the Foxy Pirates froze. Then they erupted in indignant and desperate responses.
"CAPTAIN, NO!"
"THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"
"CROSS, YOU VINDICTIVE BASTARD!" Porche shrieked, a scant few newtons from snapping her baton.
"This isn't funny, this isn't funny, this isn't funny…" Hamburg muttered on repeat.
"OH, THE HUMANITY! OH, THE HUMANITY!" Itomimizu wept into his microphone.
"Ahem?"
"You and Monda lost that court case, Capote, I don't have to say sapient-ity, so back off!"
"Damn."
Foxy, for his part, stood silently for a moment before slowly approaching Luffy with a look of resignation that was slowly turning to peace. "I suppose that if I'm following a captain who can speak to Whitebeard without so much as a flinch, I can't exactly complain," he said. Then he bowed to his new captain. "Let it never be said that I do not respect the code of the Davy Back Fight. I hereby swear my loyalty to the Straw Hat Pirates."
"Perfect." I clasped my hands eagerly. "Now, follow us onto the Merry. We have a lot to talk abou—"
"A-AS ACTING CAPTAIN OF THE FOXY PIRATES!"
All attention snapped over to the mass of Foxy Pirates, where a voice had shrieked out.
Porche's head was bowed as her chest heaved, shivers racking her entire body before she looked up, rage and determination flooding her face as she jabbed a finger at Luffy, "I HEREBY CHALLENGE THE STRAW HAT PIRATES TO A ONE-COIN DAVY BACK FIGHT! W-WE HAVE MORE TO OFFER. IT'S PLAIN TO SEE THAT YOU NEED A SHIPWRIGHT FOR THAT BOAT OF YOURS! IT'S ON ITS LAST LEGS, SO IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO SINK, YOU HAD… better…"
Porche trailed off as she found nineteen murderous glares trained on her. And just like that, her determination faded, and she fell on her knees and began to sob. "W-Who am I kidding? We can't beat them… We'll never get our Boss back…"
"Hey now, let's not jump to conclusions here."
Attention shifted over to me as I casually waved my hand. "I mean, maybe you will and maybe you won't. The situation is… complicated, to say the least."
Foxy narrowed his eyes. "If this is all a ploy for you to 'steal' me only to kick me off the crew, so help me—!"
"No, no, nothing like that," I swiftly assured him before pointing at the Merry. "Just… come with us to the Merry. Bring Porche and…" I trailed off as I eyed the infamous Four-Legged Dasher's girth. "On second thought, leave Hamburg. We need someone to keep the peace anyway. Meanwhile," I looked back at our crew. "We'll be joined by Luffy, Nami, Zoro, Vivi—"
"So, essentially, the brains behind the crew plus one?" Robin hummed innocently.
"Nice way of putting… it…" I glanced back at her. "There's some sort of insult in that question, isn't there?"
Robin just chuckled, and I huffed before turning around and starting to march towards the Merry, snatching Soundbite off of his bucket as I went. "Anyway, while we're doing business, everyone else will keep the peace here until we get back. Now…" I shot a vicious grin at Porche as I passed her. "Shall we go?"
---
A few minutes later, the eight of us were in Merry's kitchen, some seated and some standing, with Sanji's well-prepared platter cart sitting a short distance away.
"OK, first things first, Foxy. Before we get to the serious business, I need your powers to help with something," I stated, bringing over the cart. "Luffy is somehow capable of devouring this entire thing in the time it takes to blink. Fire your beam at him so we can see how he does it in slow motion."
Foxy and Porche both looked at me with expressions that clearly said, 'Are you kidding me?'
"I'm quite serious. Let's just find out how this works, then we can move on to the more important things, alright?"
Foxy shrugged as he aimed his hand at Luffy. "If you say so. Slow-Slow Beam!"
The photons flew out and tagged Luffy. Luffy reached for the cart—
—and the next thing I knew, he was licking his lips in satisfaction, said cart no longer in sight. I blinked and looked around. Zoro, Nami, Vivi, and Soundbite were all looking just as confused as I was, while Foxy and Porche were both astonished.
"You weren't kidding. But… what just—?"
The sound of paper fluttering drew everyone's attention up, and I stiffened as a note came to slap me in the center of my face. The others who knew what it meant stiffened as well, while Foxy and Porche were touching the ground with their jaws.
I grabbed the note, scanned over it, and then my eyes narrowed. "There are things man was never meant to see. The secret behind Luffy's jaws is one of them. Be glad I managed to clock Kronos and grab that little stretch of time from existence, or else you'd have been TPK'd with your brains seeping out of your ears. Do try not to make me go back on what I said about favours again, because you won't be so lucky next time," I read flatly before looking up with a slightly haunted look. "…Let us never speak of this again," I stated calmly.
"Agreed," Zoro, Nami, Vivi, and Soundbite said together. I clapped my hands and turned back to Porche and Foxy, both of whom were looking distinctly ill-at-ease.
"Alright, putting that behind us, let's get down to business. Foxy, I'll be blunt: before we showed up here, neither I nor any of my crewmates would have chosen you or anyone else from your crew to add to ours unless there was absolutely no choice, and even then, we probably would have just dismissed you straightaway. But I spent most of my brief period as one of your subordinates in your ship's library, reading your logbook."
They both suddenly looked much more alert as I started pacing back and forth, a grim smile playing across my face. "Quite an interesting story it told, too. Once upon a time, the Foxy Pirates were just a lowly, average pirate crew from the South Blue. They raided merchant ships, attacked small coastal towns—never did any actual grievous harm, mind you!" I snapped my finger up when I noticed my crewmates starting to glare bloody murder at the increasingly nervous Foxy's. "They only ever looted and pillaged. Not an excuse, but at least they were better than most."
My crewmates subsided… marginally, anyway.
"At any rate, that's the way their story went for a good while." I stopped pacing as I gave Foxy a look. "Until that day." Foxy looked away uncomfortably, obviously recognizing what I was referencing. "That fateful day, when you attacked a cargo ship in spite of the Marine Battleship escorting them. Obviously, as indicated by their continued existence, the Foxy's won, but for some reason, the events of that day cut off shortly after the ships' sighting. The next entry it has is the crew burning water for Reverse Mountain to enter the Grand Line, as though all Seven Warlords were at their heels.
"And ever since then, well…" I spread my arms to indicate the room. "We just lived it. It's been all Davy Back Fights all the time. Sometimes the crew has flights of fancy with people too appealing to pass up, but for the most part, it's the best of the best, and no one and nothing less. The crew has just kept growing since they entered the Grand Line, growing stronger and larger, and yet!" I stabbed my finger into the air. "Counterintuitively, not seeming to have any interest in making a name for yourself beyond what you already have. Heck, even all of the gold and assets that you do manage to get your hands on just go straight to replenishing your supplies, and that to no more than the bare minimum necessary for survival—or at least, what you consider the bare minimum, with all that carnival food—or materials to expand your ship and weaponry."
I folded my arms smugly. "Do you know what that says to me? Do you know what conclusion I drew from that information, that made me risk and endure a very grievous ordeal to convince my crew that we should recruit you?"
Foxy stared at me. Gone was the arrogant, ego-driven blowhard. All that remained was the kind of cold and calculated mind it would take to master the Slow-Slow Fruit into a weapon of destruction. "What do you think happened that day, Jeremiah Cross?" he asked slowly.
I promptly zipped over to him and slammed my palms on the table, leaning over the top in order to look him in the eye. "I think that you found something that day," I hissed. "A logbook, maneuvering orders, a shipping manifesto, only you and your original crewmates know for certain, and quite frankly, the specifics are irrelevant. What matters is the conclusion that that information led you to. You got your hands on a tiny puzzle piece that day that you used to view the much larger picture."
"And… what would this larger picture be, Cross?" Vivi asked hesitantly.
My gaze never left Foxy as I answered. "That the Marines are gearing up for war."
It was like someone threw ice water on my crewmates. Or at least, most of my crewmates. Luffy was, of course, oblivious. I sighed, smirking, and locked eyes with him.
"Let me explain it to you this way, Luffy. Basically, Roger's last act didn't just inspire pirates to take to the Sea… he inspired everyone to come to the Grand Line."
Hoping that I hadn't imagined the spark of understanding I saw in Luffy's eyes, I continued. "Every last person with even a little power in all the Blues, those who listened, packed up, gathered their strength, and flooded into the Grand Line. There are weaklings like Krieg, like Bellamy, yes, but that call also draws in people like Crocodile. People like Zoro, people like Ace, people like you. People with potential. Roger's last words drew in every wanderer, prodigy and powerhouse in the world to a single place, and it's still drawing them. The Grand Line is a powderkeg of pure, barely restrained power, and when it blows, it's going to rock the world to its core. Possibly literally."
From Luffy's awestruck expression and the fact that he didn't automatically call it a 'mystery,' he seemed to have gotten the memo, and I smirked as I turned back to Foxy.
"It's true, Foxy. Ever since the Great Pirate Era began, people have been winding up and up and up, preparing and tensing and waiting, waiting… waiting for the true storm Roger set in motion before he died to strike. And ever since you found that out, you've been doing the only thing you can: accumulating power and waiting for the day when it's time to batten down the hatches, nice and hard. You've been building a power base so that when the storm hits, you'll be able to survive with the power you've stockpiled."
I finished by leaning in close and giving Foxy a conspiratorial grin. "And that's something that you and I have in common."
Foxy and Porche both promptly stiffened in shock. "Wait, what?" the ex-captain blurted out.
"I learned about the storm, too, Foxy," I smirked eagerly. "And ever since I joined this crew, I've been ramping us up just as much. I prompted 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo to enter the Grand Line, and he worships Luffy, which means that he's a very close ally. I inspired the Dugongs of Alabasta to form the Great Kung Fu Fleet. I have numerous contacts in the Marine Corps, and they are high-ranking. I am actively ingratiating our crew with the people of the world, earning the favour of the populace while tearing out the World Government's foundations. I've even sown a seed with Dragon the Revolutionary. And now?" I jabbed a finger in Foxy's chest. "Now you, hopefully, the crowning achievement of my career as the Straw Hat Pirates' PR officer thus far."
Foxy stared at me for a second, and then, without warning, my collar was grabbed, and I was wrenched around so that I was staring at Porche instead, whose expression was carefully controlled. "What are you proposing?" she asked slowly.
I blinked before nodding in understanding. "Ahhh, I see, you're the 'face' of the operation in all aspects. Well, alright, then. If I may sit?" I sat once she released me. "Alright, here's what I propose: dissolve the Foxy Pirates and then reform them under Foxy again, only this time as a subordina—"
"Cross."
I winced as Luffy's voice hit me like a blunt instrument. "Ah, okay… alright, let's try that again: reform as a subdivision of the Strawhat Pirates, kind of like how Whitebeard runs his own crew?" I looked at Luffy for approval, and after a minute of hard thinking (I could almost hear the gears grinding), he nodded in acceptance. With the captain's consent, I looked back at Porche, who was frowning thoughtfully.
"So you want us for our muscle…"
"Incorrect," I promptly denied. "I want to incorporate your efforts into our own by making Foxy the Commander of the Straw Hat Pirates' Recruitment Division. You'd keep doing what you've been doing for the past few years, albeit with a few restrictions, only now you'll be doing it with a bigger group of allies supporting you… not that anyone besides said group will know that. We'll paint you a slightly different Jolly Roger; you'll know that it signifies your alliance, but the rest of the world will think that it's proof of our victory against you, and we allowed you to sail again only flying a flag that proclaimed your greatest loss."
Porche exchanged looks with Foxy before refocusing on me. "You mentioned restrictions?"
"Rule the first," I held up a finger. "No more targeting innocent bystanders to goad people into accepting your challenge. That shit you tried to pull with Shelly was unacceptable. If you want to taunt and goad, that's all fine and dandy, too bad for the poor bastards, but if they're the kind of people you need to aim at civilians to piss them off, then I want you to extend an open hand, and not a closed one with brass knuckles, got it?"
Porche shot a glare over her shoulder. "Told you that that was a stupid plan."
Foxy ground his teeth for a second, but reluctantly nodded in agreement.
"Rule the second," I carried on, holding up a second finger. "Incorporate a Slaughter Rule. If you get over… one half of a crew or so, so many that the other crew can no longer operate, then the rest are allowed to join as well, no questions asked. No more crew-raiding and leaving the rest to rot, and if you need to start constructing a full-blown fleet to support them all, so be it."
Both Foxy and Porche winced at that. "That'll slaughter our budget…" Porche muttered to herself.
"Get a new one or find some alternative income," I bluntly stated. "Anyway, rule the third folds in with the second: no more snatching flags without redrawing them if they have them on their sails. I don't care how happy the ex-Fanged Frogs are now or how dickish their leftovers were; their blood is on your hands, and if you get any more, we won't be happy. And as we've no doubt already displayed…" Soundbite promptly bared his teeth, and Zoro clicked an inch of his blade out of its sheath. "You won't like us when we're anything but happy."
Porche grimaced and exchanged glances with her former captain. Then she looked back at us. "And what happens if I say no?"
"Then that will be when we dismiss Foxy from our crew," Vivi stated.
Both of the Foxy's looked quizzical, and the ex-captain spoke up. "So, let me get this straight. If Porche declines, you let me go, and I get to take command of my crew again. If Porche accepts, I take command of my crew again, but I stay under your restrictions from now on. Either way, nothing really changes?"
"Well, there is one difference," Nami said, smiling in a way that instantly put the two on their guard as she moved towards a corner of the room. "Usopp is the best artist on the crew, he's the one who drew our flag and sail. If you accept, we'll have him draw your new Jolly Roger. Otherwise, we'll leave it to Luffy."
She grinned like the cat that got the canary as she unfolded a specific black cloth from a chest in the room. "Here, we saved Luffy's attempt at drawing our Jolly Roger for future reference. Take a look."
Porche took one look at the cloth and promptly made most residents of Thriller Bark look alive by comparison. "… This is blackmail."
"DID YOU FORGET THE PIRATE GAME we played not ten minutes ago?"
Porche grimaced more, but Foxy…
"Fehfehfeh… FEHFEHFEHFEHFEH!"
Foxy started to laugh.
"FEHFEHFEHFEHFEH! I've spent years upon years honing my skills, and not only do you beat me at my own game three times in a row, but you offer me the ultimate support to advance my goals!" he cackled before pointing a finger at Luffy. "You, sir, are a soft-hearted moron, and you—" He pointed at me. "Are a smug, smart-ass son of a bitch, but I must acknowledge that I'd have to be a fool to pass up a chance like this and risk having you as my enemies down the line. Porche?" Foxy turned his attention to the diva.
"Yes, bo—er…"
"No, that's the right title. As of this moment, you're conceding command of the Foxy Pirates to me, and we're sailing under the flag of the Strawhats. Incognito, but still." He cocked his head slightly. "Do you have a problem with that?"
She snapped into a salute without hesitation, a goofy grin on her lips. "Not a one, boss!"
"Welcome to the crew!" I said, clapping her on the back with a cheeky grin. "Now, how about you take Luffy out and break the news to the rest of the crew? I imagine there'll be some unrest and you'll need all the muscle you can get."
Porche grinned and began to saunter over to Luffy. "Well, then, Captain—" she began in a sultry voice.
"Oh, and by the way? Brain of a five-year-old and a libido to match."
"Damn, I just can't catch a break today," Porche grumbled as she snapped away from Luffy and marched out the door, leaving Luffy blinking in confusion.
"Uh… did I do something wrong?"
"SO MANY ANSWERS, so little time," Soundbite sighed wistfully.
"Just go and guarantee that the Foxy's don't revolt," I rolled my eyes before pausing and giving him a worried look. "To confirm, you're alright with this?"
Luffy blinked at me in honest confusion. "Well, sure, why not? This is all pretty much your thing, and it's not doing anything other than getting us more crewmates, which isn't bad, so I don't see a problem. What about you guys?"
"All I see is a captain who's making way too much sense…" Zoro sighed heavily.
"As long as they keep to the conditions we've set, the benefits should outweigh the costs," Vivi shrugged.
"Hmm… well, as a subdivision, surely you'll be willing to give some monetary support to—" Nami began with a grin at Foxy.
"That," Foxy interrupted firmly. "Is Porche's department. As captain, I have the authority to change it, but she's the treasurer. In any case, don't expect too much; you have less than two dozen mouths to feed, only half of which need clothing, while I have more than 500 crewmates to feed and clothe, and counting!"
"Oh, trust me, I'll take that into consideration," Nami said, though the firmness with which she said it seemed to mollify Foxy. That firmness then faded into a downright lewd grin. "Buuut, a small portion of a large fortune is a large portion for us! Excuse me, I have negotiating—"
"Hold it, Nami."
"What?" she snapped.
"Before we get to that, we should let the rest of our allies know about Foxy," I said, removing Soundbite from my shoulder and the transceiver from my bag. Nami's frustration faded, and she nodded, prompting me to pick up the mic as Luffy followed after Porche. Soundbite needed no prompting to dial, and two rings later…
"Pisces," came the distorted but recognizable voice that I'd been expecting.
"Cancer," came another voice, less expected but equally recognizable.
"Ophiuchus," I stated calmly. "I'm calling in regards to the proposal that Capricorn provided, with another proposed pirate crew to serve as ideal allies."
"Don't tell me, let me guess," Cancer drawled. "You somehow managed to convince that fox to join you?"
"He had to convince the rest of us to go along with it first," Nami said. "And it took a couple of hours for us to convince ourselves that he was actually Cross before we'd listen."
"Almost not worth it," I grumbled before shaking my head and smirking. "Anyway, yes. As far as the rest of the world will know, Luffy chose his Jolly Roger as his prize for winning the Captain's Duel, and we gave him a slightly different new one as a symbol of our victory, so he has every reason to hate us. The truth? Luffy picked Foxy as his crewmate, and after some bargaining, he agreed to become the head of our Recruitment Division, with the rest of his old crew joining wholesale. As such, he'll keep on going with the Davy Back Fights, and he'll be gathering many allies that would ordinarily never consider joining us. He's here now, actually, so why don't you two introduce yourselves?"
"… I suppose we shouldn't even bother arguing, otherwise you'd just pull the 'I've never been wrong yet' card, wouldn't you?"
"Hey, believe me, I wouldn't have planned this before I learned all of the details; even I didn't know everything," I promptly defended. "But what I've seen in the past few hours is enough to tell me that he's got a lot more potential than I thought. He's part of our crew now, he'll keep our secrets."
Cancer was silent for a moment before sighing. "Fine. Soundbite, drop it. Foxy the Silver Fox?"
"Yes?" Foxy asked cautiously.
"I am Commodore 'White Hunter' Smoker, codename Cancer, cofounder of the Marine Corps splinter cell MI4."
"And I'm Ensign Tashigi, codename Pisces, Commodore Smoker's second and another cofounder of MI4."
"I am Ophiuchus, informant of MI4, an organization composed purely of Marines who have decided to act on the injustice that the Corps provides," I explained to a thunderstruck Foxy. "The other two leaders are going under the names Capricorn and Scorpio. Our goal is to destroy the World Government from the ground up to ensure that the injustice dies."
"Capricorn recently came to the conclusion that we could benefit from employing unconventional allies, and I informed Cross of it. So, it looks like you're our first one, Foxy the Silver Fox. Welcome aboard," Tashigi said.
"Please note that if you divulge the identities of those involved and in any way compromise this endeavour, we will hunt you down and we will do things to you that will make all of Impel Down look like San Faldo in comparison, capiche?" I stated.
Foxy was left gaping for a solid minute. Finally, he shook his head. "You inspired a group of Marines to form their own version of the Revolutionary Army. Well, if it wasn't official before, it sure as hell is now: I made the right choice allying with a crew like yours, if only because I'd rather be at your back or your side than under your feet." He then gave me a searching look. "So… does this change what I'm expected to do at all?"
"Passive duties, not active, don't worry. Your job will also be to gauge any Marines you come across, and pass the recommendations on to either Tashigi or us, whether for recruitment or court-martialing," I replied. I then snapped my fingers as a thought struck me. "Also, if you cross paths with the Kung-Fu Fleet or the Barto Club, tell them the truth about what happened; you can trust them."
Foxy nodded solemnly. "Fair enough. So…" He grinned childishly. "Do I get a codename as well?"
"Hmph… It's a good idea, but I think we should limit the Western Zodiac code names to Marines, apart from Cross. And he barely even counts," Smoker said.
"Wait to say that until after my plan to sway an entire island for MI4 fails," I snapped.
"I'm not holding my breath, Cross," Smoker deadpanned.
"And I think he actually meant how Ophiuchus is considered an unofficial member of the Zodiac," Tashigi offered hesitantly.
"That too."
"…I withdraw my comment," I coughed in embarrassment, accepting the dopeslap Vivi offered me with dignity.
"Ah… may I suggest using the Eastern Zodiac instead? The Snake would be fitting, yes?" Foxy offered.
"Mmm… nah, I think Goat suits you better," I grinned.
"WHAT?"
"Well, to be fair, you're not a reptile," Vivi pointed out.
"BUT-BUT-BUT—!"
"Oh, and tell Capricorn to offer 'Rooster' to Barto when she gets the chance," I suggested.
"He's certainly LOUD ENOUGH!" Soundbite chortled.
"I-I-WHY NOT—?"
"You're an expert at underhanded tricks, not a master. Train more, and we'll talk," Zoro grinned.
"YOU—BUT—I—BUT—!"
"Foxy? Friendly recommendation from someone who has had way too much firsthand experience with the Straw Hats: quit while you're ahead and try to salvage what little sanity you have left," Tashigi said.
Foxy looked at the snail, teeth grit, and then sighed in defeat. "… So be it. Goat would have been my second choice, I suppose."
"Alright, that aside, anything else you want to talk to us about, Handbag?"
Silence. Dead silence as all of us stared at the snail as it started to shift about uncomfortably. "I-I-I just wanted to try to pay Cross back for mocking my codename, and-and snakeskin makes good design for—"
"Go to your room, Tashigi. You know what you did wrong," Soundbite said, halfway between disgusted and grinning like a loon.
"Wha—? But—!"
"You heard the snail, Ensign," Smoker growled, and I swear that he was smirking as he said it.
"B-B-But I—!…Y-Yes, Commodore," Tashigi sighed, followed by the sound of footfalls, and a door opening and then closing.
"…Is it always like this?" Foxy asked no one in particular.
"Welcome to the Strawhats!" I grinned as I slung my arm over his shoulder. "And yes, it is too late to get out. Good luck!"
The resulting whimper was very satisfying.
---
To no great surprise, the remainder of the Foxy Pirates had accepted the deal with relative ease. So, after exchanging numbers, all that was left was for us to give them a different Jolly Roger to sail under. The new skull resembled Su's head, and our captain's signature Straw Hat was attached to the scalp by a chain. At Foxy's pleading, however, we wrote out his name on the sail again. As satisfied as they could be, the Foxy Pirates released the Merry and departed, their well-repaired ship sailing away beyond the horizon.
Zoro, Nami, and Robin were more on their guard as they watched the ship sail away, and I, along with them. Maybe we could find some way to dodge Aokiji? Unlikely, but the plains here were wide enough without going back to—
"Hey, kids, congratulations! How about I treat you to some victory cheese?"
Tonjit's house. Damn it.
"Ooh, sure thing, old man! Come on, you guys, let's—"
"Oh, come on, Luffy, that cheese is 10 years old!" I hastily objected, somehow managing to keep the existential dread I felt out of my voice.
"Who cares? VICTORY CHEESE!" Luffy cheered. I hid my dawning horror with a genuine facepalm.
"Guys? Any chance for a veto here?" I requested with the barest hint of desperation.
"Considering how the log hasn't reset yet?" Nami asked flatly as she held her arm up. "None. Besides, while it might not look all that interesting, I still want to take a look at the local geography."
My heart slowly sank further and further as the rest of the crew sounded out their agreements, and I ultimately sighed in defeat as we began walking towards Tonjit's house.
Lassoo trotted up next to me and glanced up with a flat look. "We're heading straight towards a bad situation, aren't we?" My clenched jaw was answer enough. "Great… and the reason why you aren't telling them?"
I shook my head with a sigh. "Because this isn't a coincidence, we've been targeted, and not!" I snapped my finger up to forestall anything he might say. "Because of the SBS, so this isn't on me." I ran my hand down my face with a groan. "Either way, even if we didn't meet him at Tonjit's house, he'd still come after us, and when he did…"
"We'd be fighting him on the Merry and possibly put her in danger," Lassoo finished with a growl. "Let me guess, this isn't a fight that we're going to walk out of easily?"
"If he wasn't such an easygoing bastard, we wouldn't be walking away at all," I growled back. "And as it is, Chopper's probably going to have his hooves full. Be ready with the Plaster-Palm combo."
The dog-gun inclined his head with a low snarl, and we continued on in relative silence.
"Cross?"
Up until the last person I felt comfortable talking to gathered my attention. "Yes, Robin?" I asked quietly.
She silently walked beside me for a moment before subtly glancing at me. "I've asked you this before, but this time I'd like a more precise answer: what do you know about Ohara?"
I mulled over the question, trying to determine how to answer it effectively without giving too much away. "About its history and everyday life? Not much. But I saw everything that happened on the day the island was destroyed…" I debated with myself for a moment before continuing hesitantly. "…and some of the events leading up to it, too."
She stopped walking, and I stopped beside her. She stared at me for a few seconds, and then…
"…How did I not see it before?" she breathed. "I should have realized it in Skypiea, when you told me that the majority of your knowledge is centred around this crew and their lives. You know so much about Ohara because you know my past."
Her eyes seemed to sharpen. "You knew even back in Whiskey Peak. The war, the Poneglyph, Crocodile's betrayal, Luffy saving my life when I wanted to die… You saw it all coming. You knew that I would become a Straw Hat Pirate."
"… Yeah," I confirmed with a sigh as I started walking forward again, Robin keeping pace with me. "But the question is, Robin… have you become one? We've been waiting all of this time for you to finally accept us as your crew, as your friends, and…" I smiled happily as I remembered the past few days. "You're… a lot more accepting at this point than I ever thought you'd be." I gave her a hopeful look. "I… I'll admit, I'm more than ready to tell you the secret behind my knowledge…" I put my hand on her shoulder. "…if you're ready to finally trust us." I nodded my head at the rest of the crew ahead. "All of us."
Her expression was clearly conflicted. She looked around at all of the crew, human and otherwise, and though she flinched as her eyes met Vivi's form, for the most part, she seemed to be convincing herself. She looked back at me, then back at the rest of the crew, and opened her mouth.
But all that came out was a horrified gasp as she froze up in shock and fell to the ground. I stared at her paralyzed form in horror for a mere second before snapping my gaze ahead and confirming that it was in response to a very real threat. Almost unconsciously, I stepped in front of her, and Lassoo moved beside me, growling threateningly at the tall, black-haired, white and blue-clad man standing in front of Tonjit's house, who removed his sleeping mask and looked around at us.
Everyone else was immediately on guard at seeing Robin shaken up as she was, and Vivi and Carue's own panicked expressions did little to help matters. At this moment, all I could do was do my best to protect my friend from one of, if not the single strongest, individuals we would personally meet in Paradise.
"My, my. So, you must be the infamous Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite. You've certainly managed to make some of the most troubling friends, Nico Robin," Admiral Aokiji casually stated.