"Huh? What the—? Hey, guys!"
"What is it, Luffy?"
"Check it out, I found a bottle in the water, and there's something inside it!"
"Really? Cool! What is it?"
"Here, lemme see! Huh, looks like a map, a letter, and… an Eternal Pose? Wonder how they managed that. Hey, Leo, mind cutting it open?"
SHINK!
"Thanks!"
"Wow, it is a map of an island! Weird name though, anyone recognize it?"
"Not me."
"Nope."
"Never heard of it."
"What about the letter that came with it?"
"Here, let me, I'll read it. Alright, let's see. Here's what it says:
If you are a pirate among pirates…
Among pirates…
Among pirates…
Then gather your steadfast crew of companions…
And set sail for our island.
The name of the island is…
OMATSURI ISLAND."
"Wow, this place sounds like fun!"
"Yeah, it does… any opinions on it, Cross?"
"Hmm... I'll be honest, I think I might have? But I can't quite… Ah, no, wait a second! Yeah, now I remember! I saw a poster for—ah… for, for… for an event! Yeah, an event about the place! Never actually saw it, so I've got no clue what to expect, but the poster itself looked pretty cheery! Flowers everywhere, bright and colourful; probably nothing on the island itself to worry about. In my opinion? I'd say that this could turn out to be the most relaxing vacation of our lives."
"Well, in all fairness, OMATSURI DOES MEAN FESTIVAL!"
"It all sounds too good! It's a trap, I know it!"
"Well, now, hold on, let's withhold judgment for a bit, hm? Does that letter say anything else?"
"Ah… yeah, it does, let me read the rest. 'Omatsuri Island is the Grand Line's only pleasure island resort. As its name implies, every day is a festival. You will also enjoy our many spas and beauty salons.'"
"Oooh… it has been a while since I've had a nice… anything in that line of treatment…"
"'Your nightlife will be filled with beauties from around the world and a selection of fine beverages.'"
"Beauties? It must be a wonderful island!"
"'Dinner will be a full course of exquisite cuisines.'"
"Hmph… I suppose my interest is a little piqued…"
"'Our wildlife preserve features all the amazing sights that nature can provide.'"
"Oh, now that sounds inviting, don't you think, Su?"
"After a Marine Base and a godforsaken prairie? Either I get a nice and wild locale, or I get pissy!"
"'Our dojo is home to many retired masters of weapons that are always up for a new challenge.'"
"Hmph! An excellent opportunity! Is not clashing with those who have already learned all that the weapons have to teach them, the better to improve one's own craft… a Man's Romance?"
"GO, BOSS, GO!"
"This sounds perfect!"
"It's a trap, I tell you!"
"Oh, who cares if it's a trap? Worst comes to worst, we kick their teeth in, loot their treasure rooms and come away even richer! For however much that's worth, anyway, considering all the gold we're hauling!"
"We'll make room… but no need to assume the worst!"
"And why not? When have things ever not gone horribly wrong?"
"Ya know, he hath a pwetty good point, thewe…"
"Captain, what do you think?…Luffy?…HEY, LUFFY, ARE YOU LISTENING?!"
"…Read the first part again."
"Huh? Oh, okay…'If you are a pirate among pirates among pirates among pirates, then gather your steadfast crew of companions and set sail for our island.'"
"Alright! I've decided. We head for Omatsuri Island! The reason, of course, is that we're pirates!"
"Tsk, should have seen that coming…"
"Do you really have no commentary, Mis—Cross?"
"Hm? Oh, nah, I've only heard the name of the place in passing, I don't know anything about it. We must have just gotten lucky! Personally, I'm with the captain! I mean, sure, this thing screams honeypot and pirate flytrap out the wailing wazoo, but who the heck cares? We're the Straw Hat Pirates! I mean…
.
.
.
What's the worst that could happen?"
-o-
It was as peaceful a day as there ever was in the hidden city of Zou, built on the back of the perpetually wandering titanic elephant Zunisha. The inhabitants, the Mink Tribe, were fearsome warriors, yet kind and gentle to any who they knew as friends. Yet aside from bonds forged long ago, it was rare for them to have more acquaintance with any outside of their wandering island than the occasional Mink that left, to end up either joining another's crew… or face the hellish reality of slavery. 700,000 beri for a Mink. Perhaps that's one reason why they engaged in such isolation, and the race as a whole had little to no contact with the outside world.
Or at least, that was the case, until…
"Don don don don!"
"Hold everything! It's time for the SBS!" barked Duke Inuarashi. All of the Minks followed his example, moving towards the well-secured canopy where their seldom-used Transponder Snail dwelled, safe from the salt water of Zunisha's daily baths. An agile rabbit-like Mink moved into the chamber where the snail dwelled, and after removing the receiver, all present quieted to listen.
Indeed, the first day that Zou had heard their Transponder Snail making such a sound, it drew the attention of nearly everyone on the island, whether day-dwelling or night-dwelling; the only ones who had the number of their snail would only call in the event of something bad. 'Bad' in this case means something along the lines of being in the middle of a losing war. It brought no small amount of relief and confusion when the Minks instead heard the voice of a pirate that they had never heard of, but the tale spun on that very first broadcast drew feelings of empathy from everyone who heard it, and since then, they had never missed a broadcast. The messages it broadcast, whether thrilling, horrifying, comedic, or just flat-out strange, were the first things in years that could make the two Dukes of the island stay awake and tolerate each other simultaneously.
"And five, and six, and seven, and eight… hmm-hmm-hmm… alright, that'll do it. Hello, everyone! Jeremiah Cross here, and welcome back to the SBS!"
Silence fell immediately on both ends.
"…Huh. Hey, Soundbite, not that I'm complaining, but shouldn't you have interrupted me?"
"Yeah, I SHOULD'VE… but this island THREW ME FOR A LOOP."
"What do you mean?"
"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT IT, BUT... I DUNNO, something just sounds… off. GOOD OR BAD, I don't… this place is weird."
"This is troubling…" Duke Nekomamushi murmured as Cross gave the vocal equivalent of a shrug.
"Well, I guess that's not too unexpected. You see, gentle viewers—and combative ones—we were sailing on our merry way to the next island, when a strange invitation came to us, inviting us to a resort, the name of which we will not reveal presently for the sake of our own safety. Now, of course, we suspect it's a trap, but we're confident we can fight it off if it is. And if not… well, then consider this broadcast an advertisement for the glory of this island."
"What's a resort?" Carrot asked.
"I'll, ah, tell you when you're older, Carrot," Wanda hedged uncomfortably.
"…Wanda?"
"…Yes, Carrot?"
"You don't know what it is either, do you?"
Wanda sighed and slumped forward. "No…"
Her depression was promptly forgotten in favour of trying to chase down the adolescent Mink the second she started laughing her fluffy cottontail-ed ass off.
-o-
"And here I thought he couldn't get any more annoying, but now he turns himself into a salesman," drawled a man in a feathery pink jacket, staring at the snail.
"Behehehehe! Still, Doffy, if he's right, it could be good for business!" a man clad in a cloak pointed out.
Donquixote Doflamingo grinned. "Good point, Trebol."
"Buuut, right now we're sort of wondering if it was just a prank. I mean, the advertisement had a lot of flowers on the map, and I'm not seeing a single one of those, let alone any sign of civilization. Which is weird, considering how jungles usually have flowers. Believe me, I've had enough experience to know. Still, it sounds like drumbeats are coming from deeper in the island, so here we are wandering through untamed foliage. Not the most exciting thing in the world, even for us."
"You don't say," Diamante said dryly.
"I do say, I just did."
All four in the room jumped.
"… And here's hoping that someone in the world actually said 'You don't say' in response to that."
Pica facepalmed, Diamante growled, and Trebol and Doflamingo both chuckled.
"OK, that was funny," Doflamingo admitted.
"Wait a minute… is that—? …WOW."
"Beauty salons and spas~!" crooned the navigator's voice.
"Exotic beauties~!" came the chef's voice.
"Exquisite cuisines~!" cried the doctor's voice.
"Amazing sights~!" chorused the gunner and her pet.
"Challenging fights!" called the quintet of guards.
"Wow, they've got everything," Pica squeaked.
"This is everything we'd hoped for!" several voices said in unison.
"Fuffuffuffuffu… this should be interesting," Doflamingo smirked.
-o-
Drumbeats echoed out of the speakers of the snail, and then came Sanji's voice again. "Ah, the ladies~!" he sang. "Come into my arms, my finely selected beauties—WHAT THE HELL?!"
"Transvestites!"
"And they have leaves growing out of their heads!"
"Shurororororo! Better luck next time, loverboy!" cackled a horned scientist with a robe that looked to be made of gas. "But leaves sprouting from their heads? That's interesting—"
KERBLOOEY!
His musings came to an abrupt end as he snapped his attention back to his experiment, which had boiled over, burst the vessel it was in, and was now eroding the desk. Caesar initially seemed furious before looking thoughtful. "Hmm… so, doing that gives it more corrosive properties, interesting…"
-o-
"Alright, so it looks like they weren't falsely advertising. This is definitely a high-end resort. Yet to be seen if we'll actually get to go inside… Ah, this must be the master of the island. You don't see people ride in on elephants very often."
"Yeah, why is that? That'd be cool!" Garp remarked.
"I TOLD YOU TO STOP LISTENING TO… oh, whatever, just pass me the damn crackers…" Sengoku sighed, shaking his head. "Trying to stop you just isn't worth the damn headache."
"…Aaand it seems like plant decor is the thing here; everyone else has leaves on their head, and this guy has a flower on his shoulder. A… smiling flower, at that. Swear to God, Grand Line gets weirder every day…"
"The only flower we've seen thus far…" the garbled voice of the Straw Hats' mystery crewmate mused.
"Huh? Oh… well, now that you mention it, I can't see any in the town either…"
"A local custom to denote rank, maybe?" Vivi proposed.
"Hm…"
"Pirates!"
Garp's head snapped up, an uncharacteristically serious frown on his face as he listened to the new voice that had bellowed out. "What the—?"
"Courageous pirates who traverse the Grand Line!"
"Oh, yes, yes! Yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!" came Luffy's excited voice.
Sengoku braced for yet another outburst from Garp for his grandson's antics and was thus deeply surprised when Garp offered no reaction apart from a steely frown.
"I congratulate you on making it to XXX Island! My name is Baron Omatsuri!"
"Baron Omatsuri?" the Straw Hats chorused.
"Why do I get the feeling he's not an actual baron…" Sengoku started to roll his eyes before blinking in confusion when Garp got up and headed towards the door. "Huh? Where are you going?"
"The Archives…" the Hero of the Marines grumbled out. "Get Coby and Helmeppo down there as well. I need to check something."
-o-
"Yes! I am your host, the master of this island!"
"IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!" several of the Straw Hats sang.
"This sounds like quite the interesting island re-mi-fa-so~! If the next Reverie goes well, we will have to remember it ti-la-so~!" sang Prince Ryuboshi.
"And maybe even if things don't go well, mambo~!" Prince Manboshi twirled in agreement.
"You have had a long and perilous journey. Please enjoy your well-deserved rest!"
"IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!" the Straw Hats sang again.
"Ah, is this normal?" Conis asked in confusion.
"For us? Yes. For the rest of the Blue Seas…" Cross trailed off in a snicker.
"You may enjoy yourself to your heart's content!"
"IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!"
"But before you do," Omatsuri continued, his tone making it clear he was no longer smiling. "You must undertake… the Ordeal of Hell!"
There was a moment of stunned silence before the sound of Cross chuckling came over the line. "Now this, though? This is just plain typical, both for us and the world in general!"
"I'm sorry I asked…"
"Of course it was a trap after all," Prince Fukaboshi grumbled.
"Now, now, son," King Neptune rumbled. "I think it's natural that a resort that invites pirates would require some form of effort, jamon. Earn your relaxation by passing a test, jamon."
"I… suppose you may have a point, Father," Fukaboshi eventually conceded.
"Besides, la-ti-do~!" Ryuboshi spun contentedly. "They're the Straw Hats! It's not like there's any test in the world that could hamper them fa-mi-re-do~!"
Fukaboshi chuckled and nodded slowly in agreement. "That too is true, yes..."
He then glanced down and away once the attention was off him, a degree of nervousness entering his expression. 'And yet…' he mused silently. 'Knowing this, why do I still feel uneasy…'
-o-
"Uh… I have a question!" came the navigator's voice.
"What is it?" Omatsuri asked.
"The note said something about spas and beauty salons…"
"Spas?" Omatsuri repeated, confusion obvious in his voice.
"It would appear that I'm not the only Rip-Off artist in Paradise after all!" Shakky chuckled in amusement.
"Hm? Ah, yes, that's nice, dear…"
"Beauties from all over the world with a selection of fine beverages…" Sanji said tentatively.
"Beverages?" Omatsuri parroted, with the same tone of confusion.
"He hasn't heard of beverages?" Shakky deadpanned.
"I suppose so, dear…"
"What about the exquisite cuisine?" Chopper posed.
"There'd better be something to eat…" Lassoo growled.
"Exquisite cuisine… exquisite…?"
"Okay, I'm starting to think that this guy is less a Rip-Off and more senile," Shakky flatly stated.
"If you say so, dear."
That was too much for the bartender, and she snapped her attention over to her grievously distracted husband, who was seated at a table in the dining area proper, well away from her and the Transponder Snail. "Alright, I'll bite. What's got you so enraptured? Usually, I can't pry you away from an SBS show with anything less than Haki and a crowbar!"
"Hm?" Raleigh blinked in confusion, glancing up from whatever it was he was looking at for the first time since the broadcast began. "Ah, well…"
Deciding that enough was enough, Shakky rose from her barstool, strode over to his side to look over his shoulder, and promptly blinked in confusion. "Your bounty scrapbook?" she questioned, fingering the numerous pages of laminated posters.
Raleigh frowned before nodding in agreement, returning his attention to the numerous faces and identities archived before him. "Yes… something about this baron. I need to confirm, but… call it a feeling."
Shakky glanced between him and the book for a moment before freezing as she noticed a detail she'd overlooked before. "Wait, these pages—!"
"Now you see why I'm so concerned," the Dark King nodded solemnly.
-o-
"I suppose you haven't heard of retired master combatants or amazing wildlife either," Cross snarked.
"Master combatants? Look no further than my comrades, young man! And we do have a few examples of interesting wildlife… which you may observe should you pass the Ordeal of Hell!"
"…I'm not the only one who's underwhelmed, right?" Raphey eventually asked.
"No," three other voices chorused in agreement.
"So much for an actual challenge…" Boss groused.
"Well, at least there's something for me. Sorry, everyone…"
"There's plenty of Vearth to play on, so personally? I'm not!" Su laughed.
"Well, if only for dear Conis and Su, I suppose we can stay…" Sanji trailed off.
"Hey, old man! What's the Ordeal of Hell?" Luffy piped up.
"The Ordeal of Hell is a test of strength! Countless many have failed to endure the task and fled barefoot from the island!" Omatsuri responded. "If you do not have absolute trust in your crewmates, you would be well-advised to leave this island."
"Sounds like Nami's in no danger, then," Hachi mused as he pushed around several pieces of octopus on his grill.
"You really think so, Hachi?" Caimie asked as she floated alongside Takoyaki 8.
"If it's a trial of trust? Then of course! No crew is more tightly-knit than the Straw Hats!" The octopus fishman hid a wince as his collection of faded scars burned beneath his shirt. "I learned that the hard way…"
"That sounds great! Don't be stupid, we accept your challenge!"
"Luffy!" Nami scolded. "We don't need to do this, there are all sorts of other places we can go for interesting wildlife for Conis! And there's nothing for the rest of us! We have no good reason to participate!"
"I know we don't have to, but I want to. Besides, whatever it is, you guys can handle it; I trust all of you!" Luffy said cheerfully.
"Heh. Just like the DAVY BACK FIGHT. OUR CAPTAIN is such A SWEET TALKER when HE WANTS TO BE!"
Hachi, Camie, and Pappug couldn't help but smile as one by one, the Straw Hats consented to undergo the challenge together.
"So, you will all participate, then! Very well! Prepare the Ordeal of Hell!" Omatsuri commanded.
-o-
"Wh-WHOA! OK, listeners, I'm wondering just how much of a ripoff this is, because the entire freaking landscape is shifting around into an arena! I can't imagine how much work it was to make the whole island transform on command, but I'll be damned if this loony guy spared any expense!"
"Now, I will tell you what the Ordeal entails. The Ordeal is…" Omatsuri paused for dramatic effect, followed by the sound of something large and mechanical rising, and the unmistakable sounds of fireworks, applause, and cheers.
"That big sign there… 'Kingyo-Sukui'?" Cross read.
"That means 'Goldfish-Catching," Soundbite deadpanned.
"Excuse me for not being able to read romanized Kanji!"
"…What," the Mysterious Four chorused.
"What a rip-off; not even children would consider that hell!" Hildon complained as he shuffled around and refilled everyone's wine glasses… or mugs, as Absalom preferred.
"Speak for yourself…" Absalom growled as he flexed his fingers, drawing an affronted sputter from Doctor Hogback.
"For the love of—! For the last time, Absalom, if you want fine motor skills, then I need to remove some layers of flesh from your hands! Otherwise, there's just no room for the appropriate nerve-endings!"
"And give up my biological cestuses?! Dream on, you damn butcher!"
"Ya know, nowmally I'd considah this tah be a total shoo-in, buuuut…"
"After the Davy Back Fight, you expect fangs in every gift horse we get?" Cross deadpanned.
"Eeeeeyup."
"UH…GUYS?"
"Aaaaand there's the other shoe. Yes, Soundbite?"
"I THINK I KNOW THE HELL HE'S REFERRING TO."
"The rules for goldfish catching are simple! The team that catches the largest goldfish in three minutes wins! By the way," he added, clearly smirking. "This paper dissolves easily in water."
"Hmph, so there's a trick after all. Still, I don't see how goldfish catching can be hellish if that's the only trick," Perona remarked.
"And now, allow me to introduce you to my valued confidant, who shall be your opponent! Go forth, Muchigoro!"
The audience erupted in cheers as the sound of someone apparently doing their best impression of Usopp heading into a fight approached.
"Yo! I'm Muchigoro!" came a voice that once again made the listeners think of Usopp.
"Kishishishishi," Moria chuckled. "Another challenge being hosted by a trickster! I almost feel nostalgic. Always nice to sample the works of a fellow artiste!"
"What did he say?" Zoro muttered.
"Mudskipper, I think," Usopp replied.
"He looks more like an eel to me," Nami remarked.
"Maybe he's a loach."
"Flounder, I'm guessing."
"No, I bet he's just an idiot."
"That's also a POSSIBILITY!"
"NO! MY NAME IS MUCHIGORO! Baron Omatsuri's first mate, Muchigoro!"
"Huh. I guess that this battle's going to be really fishy."
"Your sense of humour remains as transparent as you are, Absalom! Fosfosfosfosfos!"
-o-
"Hold on, did he just call himself 'first mate'?" a pretty, violet-haired young woman asked sharply.
"He did, didn't he? So, they're some sort of crew… it doesn't necessarily mean pirates, but it's worth considering," responded her husband, a blonde-haired man with blue eyeshadow.
"Hmm… now that you mention it…"
"Papa?"
"I didn't consider it before, but in the context of piracy… that name, 'Omatsuri'… yes, I do believe that it rings a bell. Bring me my black book, let me see if I have their flag," remarked an obese man, lying on a most unconventional couch.
"Yes, Papa," the two replied immediately.
"Now, which one of you will compete?"
"Oh! Here, here, here, here, here! Me, me, me, me, me!" Luffy insisted with all the composure of a child in a sweet shop… or meat shop, as the case may be.
"Hold on, Luffy," came Usopp's voice, uncharacteristically confident. "Let me handle that Muchigoro or Sushigoro or whatever his name is."
"Oh, but weren't you too busy quaking in your boots a second ago?" Cross asked snidely.
"He got a confidence boost after learning that it was goldfish-catching," Sanji explained in a dry tone.
"Brindo, Campacino, what are you betting on for the Ordeal?" asked a young girl with violet hair, the woman's sister.
"HMM! My wager is that they will win… without using nets!"
"And I say they will win… within the final five seconds!"
"You two know those could happen at the same time, right?" Papa huffed with a sigh.
-o-
"Alright! The Straw Hats' SUPER sniper is stepping up!" Franky cheered as he struck a pose atop his couch.
"You'll regret being my opponent, Muchigoro. You'll be facing the man who was known as the Master of Goldfish-Catching… me!"
"Master?" Chopper asked, awestruck.
"Master?" Conis asked, curious.
"Master?" Su repeated wearily.
"Master?" Muchigoro asked, horrified.
"Master!" Usopp confirmed proudly.
"Wow, sounds like he really is a master!" Mozu cheered.
"Really?" Chopper asked, awestruck.
"Really?" Conis asked, curious.
"Really?" Su repeated wearily.
"Really?" Muchigoro asked, horrified.
"Yes, really!" Usopp confirmed proudly.
"Is he really…?" Kiwi asked in a much more skeptical tone.
"Awesome!" Chopper praised.
"That's awesome!" Conis said sweetly.
"You're awesome!" Muchigoro said, awestruck.
"I'm awesome!" Usopp declared.
"He's SUPER! Awesome!" Franky declared, posing.
"Go, Usopp!" Zambai cheered.
"Another victory in the making for the Straw Hats!" Tamagon cheered.
"If he's telling the truth," Kiev muttered.
"Ah—Say, it's not a lie this time, right?" Chopper asked, worriedly.
"What? You're lying?" Conis yelped.
"Of course he's lying," Su deadpanned.
"Please tell me you're lying!" Muchigoro pleaded.
"There's no way someone as SUPER! as him would lie!" Franky emphatically denied.
"…I lied," Usopp confirmed smugly.
"SAY WHAT!?" Mozu yelped, the majority of the Franky House face-faulting in shock.
"Then again, Cross did say a while back that he has a tendency for tall tales…" Franky mused.
"Of course…" came the sound of a face-paw.
"I knew it!" a thoroughly manic voice roared.
"Shit, he tricked me!" Muchigoro grumbled to himself.
"See, I knew he was an idiot," Sanji deadpanned.
"Which one?" Cross asked just as flatly.
"Which one indeed…" Kiwi sighed as she eyed her still-stunned sister.
"Muchigoro, don't let them build up momentum!" the baron's voice barked
"Ah, sorry, Baron!" Muchigoro promptly apologized.
"Hmph!" Omatsuri snorted. "Now that that foolishness is over and done with, we shall now begin! Ready—"
"Go!" the Baron was suddenly cut off by a high-pitched and squeaky voice.
Franky blinked at the Transponder Snail in surprise. "Huh? Who the heck was that?"
"…Soundbite?"
"Yeah?"
"Did that flower just talk?"
"… Yeah."
"A talking flower," Zambai groaned. "After learning that someone like Big Bro Franky existed, I really didn't think that the Grand Line could possibly get any crazier. Then the SBS shows up and starts talking about a hidden city of octopi and sky islands. But I thought that was as far as the craziness would go, I really, really did. Looks like I was wrong."
"… Well, great, now I'm getting Undertale flashbacks."
"Tell me about it…" Soundbite muttered before adopting a pensive look that was translated to the Transponder Snail. "DO I LOOK that stupid TOO?"
"Oh, of course not. You're much worse."
CHOMP!
"YEOWCH!"
"Did Cross really not expect that to happen?" Kiev deadpanned.
"Honestly?" Mozu chuckled. "Considering how close those two are, I doubt he even cared."
-o-
"Ergh, slimy little—! Alright, everybody, the contest is underway, and… nobody seems to be doing anything…?"
"INCOMING!"
A sound of a lot of water being displaced came through from the other end of the call, the Transponder Snail's face betraying his shock and terror.
"Oh, my, what's happening now?" Porche asked with wide-eyed shock.
"At a guess, they're playing the game on a scale only Big Pan would normally be viable for," Silver Fox Foxy deadpanned.
"You think so?"
"Fehfehfeh, it's what I'd do in that position!" Foxy cackled as he stroked his tissue-peppered chin.
Porche raised an eyebrow as she looked over her boss's face. "How's that goatee coming?"
"Pupupu!" Hamburg interrupted with his ill-hidden snickering. "He's been having a hard time maneuvering his razor around his chin, pupupu!"
"NO COMMENTARY FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY!" Foxy roared in annoyance.
"Wh-Wh-What is that?!"
"That's my pet goldfish, Sweet Rosario."
"HA! Called it!" Foxy crowed smugly, his annoyance forgotten.
"You're brilliant, Boss!"
"Still don't have a goatee though, pupu—!"
"I GET IT, NO NEED TO RUB IT IN, DAMN IT!"
"…Well, there's the catch, folks; Rosario is about as big as the Going Merry, so—"
"So, a normal splash from him MAKES more than a few RIPPLES! TO BE EXACT, INCOMING TIDAL WAVE!"
"Wha—? SHIT! CARUE, I NEED A LIFT!"
"What? What's the wowwy? Goldfish don't live in salt watah," the duck squawked.
"THAT'S NOT A GOLDFISH, THAT'S A GOLDFISH-SHAPED SEA KING! NOW GIVE ME A DAMN LIFT BEFORE—!" SPLOOSH! "ACKPFT! Agh, now that's just perf—! Nonono, wait, Soundbite, don't—!"
"HURK!"
"…and that's gonna stain. Fucking perfect."
"Ha! You see that? Their stomachs and wills are as weak as rice paper! Laugh at them, Muchigoro! They are nothing but feeble cowards!" Omatsuri cackled.
"HAHAHA! Indeed, my Baron! After all, sweet Rosario is a good boy who would never do anything bad!" Muchigoro insisted.
"My slimy—cough—ASS HE WOULDN'T!" Soundbite coughed.
"And HOW exactly are we supposed to catch THAT?!" Vivi demanded.
"Use the bucket, of course," Omatsuri said smugly.
"What buck—?"
There was another loud splash of water.
"…never mind."
"OK, viewers, so it appears that the Baron did give us both buckets big enough for Rosario to fit in, but the question remains: how are we supposed to get that giant helping of sushi to go in the bucket in the first place?" Cross wondered.
"Something tells me that their sniper won't be quite so eager anymore…" Porche mused.
"Nami, I'm passing to you. A-After all, the Eisen Dial should be enough for this, right?" Usopp asked timidly.
"Called it."
"Wait, what? USOPP!… Oh, fine, I'll do it if I have to."
Something came across the line that could only be described as something metallic coughing, followed by the unmistakable sound of a fist striking a skull.
"OW! WHAT THE HELL, WITCH!?"
"I TOLD YOU HOW TO FIX THE PRESSURE CHAMBER ALREADY, WHAT PART DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!"
"THE PART WHERE YOU EXPECT ME TO FIND TIME TO DO IT WHEN I'M JUGGLING THREE OTHER PROJECTS!"
"You son of a—! We will have words later, I promise you. For now, though… Zoro, I'm passing to you."
"Wha—Me?! Ugh, fine." There was the sound of a sword sliding out of its sheath.
"Hold up, Mosshead! If you tried to go it alone, you'd be swallowed whole!"
"Like hell, shit cook! I'll fillet this thing in ten seconds—!"
"NO SWORDS IN GOLDFISH CATCHING!" Omatsuri yelled.
"WHAT?" Zoro roared back.
"See? Davy Back Fight all over again, now you're doubly useless!"
"JUST SHUT UP AND HIT THE DAMN FISH, YOU IDIOTS!" Nami roared.
"Right away, Nami-swan!"/"Don't need to tell me twice, witch."
There was the sudden meaty THWACK of leather striking flesh, followed by a roar of bestial pain.
"Alright, so Sanji and Zoro seem to be juggling Rosario in the air right now… and once again Zoro has demonstrated how much damage he can cause with just his freaking sheath, eesh. Ah, and here comes Luffy, trying to use the net that we're supposed to use, which is about as big as Soundbite. He's stretching out… Omatsuri and Muchigoro appear to be reacting to seeing his Devil Fruit powers, so I take it that they really don't listen to the SBS… aaand the net broke. HEY, BARON! How are we supposed to catch anything with this net, let alone that giant goldfish?"
"You're not. Muchigoro, show them!"
"You have to catch Sweet Rosario with THIS!"
"Ugh, should have seen this coming; mudskipper-face just pulled a net over ten times his size from out of… somewhere. Sanji was right, it's the Davy Back Fight all over again, only I'm starting to think that Foxy was more pleasant!"
"Hey!" Porche yelped in an affronted tone.
"We're not publicly allies, remember?" Foxy informed the 'brains' of his first mates.
"…I knew that."
"Pupupu! She forgot, pupu—!"
"CRAM IT UP YOUR LONG-JOHNS, BUNS-FOR-BRAINS!"
"Not so fun being on the other end, is it, now?"
"Grrgrgrrrgh…"
"Anyway… HEY, BARON! Why the hell does he get the bigger net while we just get these pathetic things?"
"Hmmm?" the Baron hummed curiously. "I don't remember saying you had to use that net; I only said that the paper dissolves easily in water. Well? Do you remember?"
"Wow. Even I'm not that bad," Foxy remarked in equal parts awe and disgust.
-o-
The two humanoid residents of Little Garden had ensured that the Baroque Works agents left their snail behind when they left and had not missed a single SBS broadcast despite their fights. One such duel was going on right now, but as was often the case, the content of the broadcast made them both pause to pay more attention.
In this case, their reasons were different; the Red Ogre was shaking his head in disgust while the Blue Ogre had his forehead scrunched up and his eyes squinting as though he were thinking hard about something.
"Disgraceful, simply disgraceful," Broggy huffed grimly, head bowed in dismay. "As if that farce of a Back Fight weren't bad enough, now we have fools such as this baron refusing to meet his opponents in honourable combat! It's abominable! It's grievous!" He crashed his fist on the ground with a snarl. "AND WORST OF ALL, IT'S DISAPPOINTING!"
"Mmhmm, yes, you're right…" Dorry muttered noncommittally, arms crossed and a scowl marring his face as he bowed his head in thought.
"Alright, you wanna rules-lawyer? Let's rules-lawyer," Cross decided. "You said no swords? Fine, no swords. Conis, blast that thing."
"Roger-roger. Huh? That wasn't me…"
"…Soundbite? We need to talk about your situational timing."
"Heheheheh!"
"One minute left! You have one minute left!" came the voice of the Baron's flower. Dorry's scowl deepened at the voice, and he started muttering under his breath
"If I may, Cross, I believe I have an easier solution."
"The fish is falling straight towards Muchigoro's net! What the heck do you—OH. OK, hold off on that, Conis… and Muchigoro tosses it straight towards his bucket… aaand thanks to a clever usage of Devil Fruit powers, Rosario bounces straight out of the bucket and is now FALLING DIRECTLY TOWARDS US DAMMIT XXX!"
"My apologies, Cross, I haven't had much experience with that kind of technique in the past."
"COLD FUCKING COMFORT WHEN WE'RE ABOUT TO BE CRUSHED!"
"I GOT IT, I GOT IT!"
The pitter-patter of feet running came a moment later, followed by a loud FWUMP! And then more incredulous roars from the crowd. And in the middle of it all, Dorry was still grumbling to himself about something he'd forgotten. Broggy eyed him curiously but ultimately shrugged it off.
"Whoa-hoh, nice one! And a dramatic move from Chopper has redirected Rosario aaaand HE'S IN! THE AQUATIC BASTARD IS IN OUR BUCKET!"
"Five, four, three, two, one! Game over! Game over! The Straw Hats win!" the flower cheered, causing Dorry to actively bite his thumb.
"Damn straight, you Proto-Flowey piss-ant!"
"HAHA!" Broggy barked joyously. "A most righteous and honourable victory! Nothing but the best from the Straw Hats!" He then tilted his head to the side. "Though I find Cross's choice of insults… somewhat questionable, at best."
"NICE PLAY, Chopper! … Chopper? HE'S ABOUT to fall IN THE WATER!"
"I'll get him… aaand there goes Luffy, too. Eesh, sometimes this job… Boys?" Boss called out tiredly.
"On it, Boss!" a quartet of voices chorused.
"Ugh, damn it, damn it, damn it…" Dorry grumbled, knocking his fist against his forehead.
"Ergh," Broggy rolled his eyes with a sigh. "What on Elbaf's blessed soil is crawling through your head now, Dorry?"
"That's just the problem!" The Blue Ogre flung his hands up in frustration. "There's something about that flower of the Baron's that is stirring memories in my head, but for the life of me, they refuse to take form! It's like trying to catch the fog with your bare hands!" He promptly jabbed a finger at Broggy with a glare. "And don't mention the cotton-candy fog we encountered in the New World, because that doesn't count!"
Broggy coughed into his fist and looked away sheepishly. "Wouldn't ever dream of it…" He then gave Dorry a concerned look. "Still, any way that I can help?"
"That'd require me having somewhere to start in the first place!" Dorry shook his head morosely. He then clenched his eyes shut as he started pounding his fists against his temples. "Come on already, get out, get out—!"
It would be the last time he made the mistake of letting his guard down like that, as Broggy took the opportunity to sucker-punch him. With a boulder.
"AGH!" the Blue Ogre grunted in pain, rubbing the area of impact. Then his eyes snapped open, and he punched the air with a joyous cackle.
"NOW I REMEMBER! A small, smiling, talking flower perched on someone's shoulder and surrounded by a mass of people with plant sprouts on their heads! It's straight from the tale of Ivad's Trials against Tailog the Treasonous!"
"Congratulations, comrade!" Broggy crowed as he clapped his hand on his old friend's shoulder… and promptly shared a look of horror with him.
"THE STRAW HATS ARE WHERE?!"
Any onlookers to Little Garden would see a large flock of pterodactyls flying out of the trees in response to the two giants' bellowing.
-o-
The next few minutes were purely the Straw Hats celebrating and chastising the Hammers on their crew, with the Baron and his first mate—and pretty much the entire native audience as well—brooding in the background. It all came to an abrupt end when the Baron spoke up again.
"WAIT! This contest is not yet finished! You must now undertake the next ordeal! How dare you make my Muchigoro cry!"
"Hey, come on, Baron. He lost fair and square."
"Yes, there's no need to be so—"
"SILENCE! The matter is settled! You will do as I say!"
"Am I the only one who's absolutely relishing the irony of the Straw Hats meeting two groups of pirates who play rigged games in a row after what they did here?" Drake asked with a grim smile.
"No, Drake, you most certainly are not," Jonathan muttered in reply, not taking his eyes off the snail. "Though the Straw Hats are certainly putting up as much of a fight as we could expect, I can't deny that I'm hoping to see some proof against Cross's claim."
In truth, he had been considering Cross' offer alongside Jessica over the last few weeks, but Straw Hat's display against the Foxy Pirates, his unconquerable will, had significantly weighted his opinion; if Straw Hat had that kind of will and Cross, for all his rabble-rousing, had him as a superior and took pride in bowing to him, it may well be that they would reach their goal, and that would leave no doubt that choosing their side would be the safer choice in order to survive the inevitable tidal wave that would accompany the feat.
He nodded to himself; he had considered it long enough. If Straw Hat showed another example of will as he had during the Davy Back Fight, he would accept Cross's bargain. But it was yet to be seen if this strange Baron would actually be capable of driving him to it.
"OK, am I the only one who thinks this guy's taking the whole 'sore loser' thing a little too far?" Su muttered acridly. "Seriously, he's whining more than Conis when—MMPH!"
"Stop. Using. My childhood. As material!" Conis demanded furiously.
"MMPH, PTOOIE! What do you mean by 'your childhood'!? I grew up with you!"
"Then use some of your own stories!"
"Ironically enough, I'm nowhere near as interesting as you."
[I didn't have long to get to know Su, but for any fox, this seems to be par for the course,] Isaiah squawked in a deep and cool tone.
[WHAT HE SAID!] Terry contributed, earning a quelling look from Jonathan; the Vice Admiral may not have been able to understand him except through the very silent written word, but that didn't make his POWERFUL! voice any quieter.
"Another ordeal? Sounds like fun!" Luffy said.
"It appears that Luffy shares Cross' definition of that particular word," Jonathan remarked. "It's going to get them into trouble someday."
"Oh, joy, LUFFY'S ON BOARD already," Soundbite drawled, before the snail snapped to attention, glancing in another direction.
"What's wrong, Soundbite?" Cross asked.
"We're being watched."
"Maybe 'today' rather than 'someday', sir," Drake added.
-o-
"Who is it?"
"Older man… sounds… hopeful? THAT'S ALL I GOT."
"Hopeful? What's he saying?"
"Nothing, but I've HEARD THIS breath and HEARTBEAT pattern from Vivi AND Conis in the past. HE'S TRAPPED, and HE'S JUST SEEN a ray of light."
The Transponder Snail's expression became pointedly blank. "… Yeah, that would be just typical, wouldn't it?"
The fighter's quarters under Dressrosa's famed Corrida Colosseum were alive with activity as the gladiators, crowded around the old and rather wheezy Transponder Snail someone had dug out of storage, exchanged bets and what little money they had with Rebecca. After all, not only did she not gamble—and certainly not for lack of trying on her comrades' parts—she was one of the only ones who could handle the numbers and even estimate the odds.
"฿100 says that Straw Hat clears the next Ordeal!"
"฿200 on someone else clearing it instead!"
"฿500 on Nami snapping and burning the whole island down! I'm feeling lucky."
"Oh, going for the long shot," Rebecca remarked, taking the money and marking down all the bets.
"Hmm… alright, we'll see if anything comes of that. For now… this is just between us, right?"
"YEAH?"
"Good, let's keep it that way. I don't want to set Nami off without reason."
Rebecca smiled apologetically as a chorus of groans, laughs, and jeers rang out through the cages, one of the gladiators snapping out the whip he was carrying.
"Anyways, viewers, it would seem that Nami is exercising her authority as second mate. Back to the Merry we go, apparently… uh, Boss, are you coming?"
"Eh… go on ahead, Cross," Boss called back. "I saw something in the water that I want to check on with the boys. We'll catch up with you when we get through here, shouldn't take too long, a few minutes at most."
"You heard him, Cross, let's get out of here!" Nami snapped.
"Alright, alright… uh, Zoro, any chance of vetoing her?" Cross asked.
"If that's any example of the so-called 'Ordeals of Hell,' then no, I'd rather get back to the ship," Zoro replied dryly.
"฿1000 says that they don't leave yet!"
Rebecca snapped her hand away from the crumpled bill with a smile. "I'm sorry, this bank does not accept sucker's bets."
Her smile widened as she enjoyed the bout of laughter the comment elicited. Every ray of light was needed in this dreary pit, and she was truly grateful towards the Straw Hats for bringing any measure of merriment to the cages of Corrida Colosseum, however brief they might have been.
With any luck, they would continue to do so for a long time to come.
-o-
"Well, loyal viewers, it seems that we're right back to stumbling through the woods, and for what must be the first time ever, Nami's navigational skills aren't serving us very well."
"What!? Big Sis Nami getting lost in any way, shape or form? Something's gotta be seriously wrong because I'd sooner believe that Sea Kings can fly!" Johnny breathed incredulously.
"Personally, I'm more worried about how Big Sis is gonna react to a statement like that!" Yosaku joked.
THWACK!
"OUCH!"
"I don't see you doing any better, jackass!"
"Called it!"
"And besides, you have no right to be snide! Shouldn't Soundbite be able to point us in the right direction?"
"…Huh. Now that you mention it…"
"I… THINK the sea is that way? DON'T QUOTE ME, THOUGH."
"Well, that's a lot less confident than usual," Yosaku noted.
"Yeah, usually that snail'd be practically boasting his prowess to the heavens," Johnny frowned as he nodded in agreement. "Now he just sounds confused? What's up with that?"
"Something he ate, maybe?"
"Eh, maybe…" Johnny shrugged, though he was clearly unconvinced.
"ARGH!" Nami's outraged scream indicated that she hadn't noticed anything off-color about her comrade. "This map is useless! I swear, it seems like the island is changing on us!"
"W-Wait a minute… do you think that maybe it actually is? I mean, after the way that arena showed up…" Vivi trailed off.
"…Yeeeaaaah, THAT'D EXPLAIN A LOT."
"…You don't really think that islands can change on the fly, do you?" Johnny asked his partner uneasily.
A pregnant pause, followed by Nami's screech of vicious rage.
"Looks like Big Sis Nami sure thinks they can," Yosaku divined, a large drop of sweat running down the back of his head.
"BARON! IF YOU'RE WATCHING US, GET THE HELL OUT HERE!"
"I'm right over here," came a distant voice. There was a sound of many footfalls and shifting vegetation, and then—
"I've been expecting you!" came the Baron's jovial voice.
"STOP SCREWING WITH US AND LET US LEAVE!"
"Why? You've only just come here, and the Ordeals have just begun! All you need to do is pass them, and you'll have everything else you need. In fact, only four of you need to participate in this Ordeal; the rest of you are free to enjoy the island's hospitality."
The sound of grumbling filtered through the speaker. "And how many more ordeals are there after this?"
"You will be finished by the end of the day," Omatsuri said smoothly.
"… Fine, we'll play your game."
"WOO-HOO!" Luffy cheered.
"Looks like Big Bro Luffy gets his way after all," Johnny chuckled.
"Yep! And all 'cause he got lost again," Yosaku nodded sagely before clapping his hands together. "Well, anyway, as fun as listening to Big Bro Zoro's adventures is, we really should get moving. Come on, this way!" He started walking down a fork in the road.
"Wha—HEY, WAIT A SECOND!" Johnny leaped off the rock he was sitting on as he stared after his friend. "Where the hell do you think you're going, Yosaku!?"
"Uh, to the next town?" Yosaku intoned slowly, staring at his partner as though he were an idiot. "It's this way, c'mon!"
"The hell it is! The next town is this way!" Johnny snapped, jabbing his finger down a different fork in the road.
"Are you out of your mind!? That's not even close to the right way! It's this way!"
"No, it's this way!"
"No, it's this way!"
-o-
"The Ordeal of Hell, Part 2," Omatsuri sneered. "Ladies and gentlemen, the next ordeal will be…"
"Will be?" the Straw Hats asked.
The sound of fabric moving, like curtains being pulled back, came across the speakers.
"…What does that say? 'Quoits'?"
"That's French. It means 'ring toss," came the mystery crewmate's voice.
"Ring toss?" chorused many Straw Hats.
"I know French, and I didn't know that," Cross deadpanned.
"The brat knows French? Wouldn't have expected that! Nope! Not a bit!" Miss Merry Christmas snorted, sweeping the decks of the Spiders Café. "Wouldn't have expected Goldenweek, 5, and Valentine to leave us, either! I wanted to spend my golden years in quiet retirement, not keeping this rundown place spic and spotless!"
"If I've said it once, Miss Merry Christmas, I've said it a hundred times: you can leave if you want to, I'll just hire more capable employees," Paula, the former Miss Doublefinger, said dismissively as she wiped down the mug she was holding. "But I wonder how much more opportunity you'd have to show off that dress to everyone if you do."
The mole-woman spun around to glower at Paula, her white princess dress spinning along with her. She glanced down at the hem with a shaky scowl before sighing angrily and getting back to sweeping. "Damn you."
"And that's why I was Mr. 1's partner, and not you," Paula grinned cheekily.
Meanwhile, Baron Omatsuri began explaining the rules of the game. "Each team has two boats with two people aboard each boat. The first team to ensnare all of their opponents in rings wins!"
"Ah, something that actually sounds like a challenging game. Maybe we won't—"
"SHUT UP, Cross," Soundbite advised.
"Thank you, Soundbite."
"HEY!… Alright, fair enough."
"Still, it doesn't sound like anything more combative than the last one. Count me out, I'm gonna go take a nap," groused Lassoo's voice.
"Ohhhhhhh—"
"Now, let me introduce my confidants, the Four Wise Men! The leader, Kerojii!"
"—heeeeeeeeeey—" Mr. 4 continued, amidst the applause from the Baron's audience.
"The main striker, Keroshot!"
"—iiiiiiiiiiiit's—"
"The repairman extraordinaire, Kerodeek!"
"—Laaaaaaaaaaaassoooooooooooo."
"And the youngest and only female, Keroko!"
"Why can't you try being a little faster, you moron? You showed that you could be as fast as you wanted back in those dungeons," Christmas grumbled as the applause finished.
"Iiiiiiiit maaaaaaaaakes myyyyyyyyyy heeeeeaaaaaaaad huuuuuuuurt…" 4 shrugged indifferently.
"Well, while one shouldn't judge capabilities based on appearances, I have to wonder how capable these guys are; not only are they no bigger than my head—"
"PHRASING!" Soundbite chortled.
"…No bigger than a normal person's head," Cross growled, eliciting snickers from the ex-Baroque Works agents. "They all appear to be elderly. On the other hand, when has something as trivial as age slowed down anyone's capabilities? I remember meeting a nice young lady on our journey who was 139, and she was scarily proficient in fighting." He paused. "You know what, strike that. She was just flat-out SCARY, period. And I'm very, very glad that she's several hundred miles away right now…"
He trailed off, and a few seconds later, the snail frowned. "That's weird, I was expecting her to call to chew me out. Lord knows it's happened before…"
"Heh, too bad, I would have paid big money to see the brat get taken down a peg or two!" Merry Christmas chortled.
-o-
Meanwhile, in the castle that was once the seat of the now-defunct Drum Kingdom, President Dalton of the Cherry Blossom Kingdom took a second to gather his courage before poking his head into the good (HA!) doctor's office. "Doctor Kureha—?"
TH-TH-THUNK!
"BEAT IT, BRAT, I'M BUSY!" Kureha snarled viciously.
Dalton took a second to count his lucky stars that she'd decided to aim her scalpels a little to the left before entering. "I was just listening to the SBS on my Baby Snail and was wondering why you didn't call in? It just seemed like the kind of thing you'd respond to, is all—?"
"WHAT THE HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M TRYING TO DO, YOU OX-BRAINED BUFFOON!?" the elderly doctor roared, marching up to him and holding her very panicked Transponder Snail up to the president's face by its eyestalks. "THE DAMN CALL ISN'T GOING THROUGH!"
Dalton blinked in confusion. "W-Wait, what?"
Doctor Kureha roared in frustration as she spun around and flung the snail at her desk, where it thankfully landed upright, albeit with its eyes spinning. "Of course, I tried to call that cocky brat! I wanted to give him a piece of my damn mind and make him sweat!" She stalked up to the still-dizzied Transponder Snail and snatched up its mic before jabbing in a number. "But all I'm getting is THIS!"
The second she finished entering the number, the snail's eyestalks snapped to attention, and it grit its teeth as it let out a staticky-ticking noise.
Dalton stared at the snail in confusion, too busy trying to wrap his head around what he was hearing to pay more than passing attention to the trash talk that the 'Four Wise Men' were inflicting on the Straw Hats. "What—? Can it not connect for some reason? I've never heard of this happening before."
"And neither have I!" Kureha flung her hands up in frustration, marching back and forth like a caged tiger. "I can't understand it! We're receiving his signal crystal clear, but something is blocking us from contacting him! If he had found a way to make it so I couldn't call in, he wouldn't have acted confused; he would have sang it to the angels and demons and gloated over it for all the world to hear! And besides, he'd never block me from calling, not when—ugh…anyway—"
"You're just worried about Chopper, aren't you?"
Kureha hesitated for a second—a scant second—before scoffing and waving him off. "Psh, as if! They can cook him up in sherry and serve him with an apple in his mouth for all I care! No, I'm agitated because I don't know why the call is getting through, and I don't like not knowing things! Ooooh, but I'm going to find out, alright, I'm going to find out!"
The Transponder Snail cut the failed call with a sigh of relief, only to shriek silently in terror and leave a not-inconsiderable stain on Kureha's desk when she slammed her hands around it and loomed menacingly over the poor gastropod.
"One way or another!"
-o-
"Alright, everyone, for your entertainment, I'll be spectating the ordeal and reporting what happens," Cross announced following the end of a brief pause in the transmission. "While most of the crew is going out and about in order to actually enjoy everything the resort has to offer, it looks like the teams of Usopp and Nami, and Zoro and Sanji will be taking on Omatsuri's Four Wise Men."
Iceburg cocked an eyebrow with an uncertain look. "Is… that really the best of moves?"
"Eh." Paulie waved his hand dismissively as he accepted a tray of drinks from Blueno and started passing them out to his colleagues. "Who knows, there's probably some story or other behind it. You know how the Straw Hats are: insane to a fault."
"If anyone else is wondering why they think this arrangement is a good idea, you're not alone," Cross deadpanned. "Believe me, I tried to build a better team, but we're still having a hard time pinning down where the Dugongs are. The Wise Men managed to provoke Nami into volunteering, Sanji insisted after that, and it was all downhill from there."
"Called it."
"Still, though, you'd think they'd take things more seriously, given that they're dealing with an 'Ordeal of Hell," Peeply Lulu mused as he stroked the extra spike of hair coming out of the side of his mustache.
"CONSIDERING HOW THE STRAW HATS WON THE FIRST ONE, I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT THERE!" Tilestone roared.
"I mean, sure, it's not all bad, we've got two of our heavy-hitters on the field, and they're unstoppable when they work together, but there needs to be something serious on the line for them to be able to work together. Sanji doesn't care much, save for helping Nami, and Zoro doesn't give a damn either way… Seriously, how did this happen?!"
"An enigma most worthy, CROSS, but I've got a better question: WHERE THE HELL DID THIS CITY COME FROM?!"
"Oh? A city?" Blueno wondered.
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard the snail right: A city, sprung from absolutely nowhere as if risen from the ground itself. I can only imagine that Baron Omatsuri has turned this entire island into a machine under his control, because I can't fathom any other way that Nami could get lost on the way out of the jungle or how the hell he could have a racecourse inspired by the island metropolis known as Water 7." He paused. "On that note, while I have it in mind, a big salute to the Galley-La Company, home to the finest shipwrights in the world!"
"Well, that's nice of him," Kaku remarked. "It's an accepted fact, true, but it's not often you hear so openly."
"Indeed," Iceburg agreed, frowning thoughtfully. "But what sort of expertise must this Omatsuri have to perform that kind of conversion? And for what purpose?"
"Perhaps he makes a mint off of swindling pirate crews in a manner similar to that Foxy fellow the Straw Hats recently ran into," Lulu proposed as he absentmindedly pushed the spike in the hair over his lip into submission… causing it to protrude from his eyebrows.
"Still, as fantastic as this undertaking must have been, I have to say, it's kind of unbelievable how he did it! I mean, eesh, this place is packed! There's gotta be hundreds of people here!"
"Actually, CROSS, that's something ELSE weird that I've NOTICED. BESIDES that one guy from EARLIER, THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE anyone else besides the staff AT THIS so-called—"
"Hey, whatcha up to 'pu?"
"GAH! Who the—?" Cross yelped in shock before blinking in surprise. "Wow, I'm surprised. I've just met a real-life kappa."
"Gappa! My name is DJ Gappa 'pu! Sheesh, every single time 'pu…"
"Uh, sorry, the shell and… plate that you're wearing… kind of threw me off. I take it that you're one of Baron Omatsuri's comrades, then?"
"Yes. I'm the Chief Gunner and Sniper 'pu. But I also join Muchigoro in being the MC of parties 'pu. Anyway, what are you doing talking to yourself?"
"Huh, so another front-man like Cross, then?" Kaku questioned. "I guess they're going to have a lot to talk about."
With the rest of the Galley-La Corporation paying their full attention to the snail, only Rob Lucci noticed Kalifa quietly slipping out of the room. Noticing his stare, she mouthed 'making calls' before closing the door behind her.
-o-
"Mama, what's a kappa?"
"Ah… I'll tell you later, Rika," the girl's mother surreptitiously coughed into her fist in order to hide her smile. "For now, just know that I think that Cross made a somewhat unkind joke based on that young man's choice of attire."
"Why am I… ah. Going by how you all have been acting thus far, I take it that you don't have any Transponder Snails on this island?" Cross asked.
"Nope. There aren't many animals on the island to begin with 'pu."
"Yeah, I actually noticed that. NOT EVEN ANY BUGS. WHAT'S UP WITH THA—?"
"So, are you crazy or somethin' 'pu?" Gappa interrupted without missing a beat.
"WHAT!?" Cross squawked in shock.
"Are you nutso and talkin' to the voices in your head 'pu? Cause if you are, that's cool, 'cause sometimes the Wise Men—!"
"I am NOT nuts!… Or at least, not that kind of nuts," Cross revised. "I'm doing a radio show; I'm using this transceiver here to broadcast what I'm saying to every other Transponder Snail in the world. The current view count is…" A few metallic clicks came over the connection, and then the snail grinned. "Our highest yet, coming just shy of ten million snails! Hot damn, this has gotta be our most popular show yet! Screw cutting this off anytime soon, we're going on a day-long marathon!"
"My, my, it looks like I may be keeping the doors open late tonight," Ririka chuckled.
"And I get to stay up late, too?" Rika asked hopefully.
"Yes, but you'll still need to do your homework while listening."
"Awwww!"
"What do you have to complain about, Rika?" one of the Marines in the bar scoffed incredulously. "All you have to do is some math problems, we Marines are the ones suffering here!"
"Captain Ripper gives us all double-duty for listening to the normal broadcast. I can only imagine what he'll do now that it's going to be going on for hours…" another soldier lamented.
Gappa, meanwhile, was far more energetic. "Wow, seriously!? You mean that the whole world can hear what we're saying right now pu?!"
"Absolutely! Here, got anything you wanna say?"
"Hm… I dunno 'pu, it's hard to—!" Gappa's voice suddenly cut off, and his transmitted expression became curiously neutral.
"Hm?" Ririka blinked in surprise before waving her hand in front of the snail's face. "Do you think it's broken or—?"
"Actually!"
"EEP!" the bartender jerked back in shock. Without any warning whatsoever, the snail had adopted a very… twisted demeanour. The smile it was sporting was just a little too wide, its eyes were a little too bright, and the way it was giggling slightly was just—! In essence, it looked like the speaker was the resident of an insane asylum… or worse, an insane asylum resident's idea of what a normal smile was like.
"I know what I wanna say!" the snail chirped in a voice that sounded right, yet set off all the alarm bells in the viewers' heads. Perhaps it was that faint hint of artificiality audible even through the snail's speakers. "To the people of the world! I'd like to invite as many of you as possible to come down to our island! Once you get here, you may enjoy yourselves to your heart's content! Then, when we're done having fun, you can all take part in a big, delicious feast." The smile widened significantly, to the point where it just didn't seem humanly possible. "Doesn't that sound like fun?"
And then, without any warning, the snail returned to the same dopey expression it'd used before. "How was that 'pu?"
"Impressive!" Cross complimented with a grin. "I bet you'll be seeing plenty more visitors real soon!"
The patrons of the bar gaped at the snail in utter horror.
"What the hell was that?" one of the Marines sputtered numbly.
Ririka swallowed heavily before casting a glance at her daughter. "R-Rika—"
"Uh… I-I think I'm gonna finish my homework in my room…" was all the sheet-white and trembling girl was able to get out before grabbing her books and running up the stairs as fast as she could.
"Hey, hold on a sec," Soundbite piped up curiously. "Did your voice just CHANGE OR—?"
"Hey, what the hell!?" Cross suddenly demanded. "Our viewership just nosedived by several hundred thousand! Come on, I unwittingly broadcast my own torture and get more viewers than ever before, but one little advertisement and people go running for the hills!"
"Gee, I wonder why," one of the bar patrons muttered under his breath as he started chugging his mug, an action that was repeated throughout the bar.
-o-
"What the hell is wrong with that daft bastard!?" Helmeppo demanded as he sifted through the filing cabinet he'd been assigned. "I know he's clinically insane, that's a given considering his hobby, but why the hell wasn't he affected by that horror show we just saw?!"
"I'm with you there, Helmeppo…" Coby nodded absently as he searched through his own cabinet. "I know that I'd be freaking out if someone acted that way in front of me."
"The most likely reason he isn't reacting is that he doesn't even realize that what just happened needed a reaction to begin with…"
The rookie Marines exchanged confused glances before looking over at the desk where their commanding officer was poring over paper after paper. "Sir?" they chorused in confusion.
Garp snorted darkly as he rubbed his chin in thought. "Transponder Snails only show the face of the speaker. And going by how that kid reacted… I think that chances are what Cross saw and what the world saw are entirely different."
Coby swallowed heavily as sweat started to build on his brow. "W-What are you trying to say, sir?"
Garp slammed the papers he was holding onto the table with a growl and pinned his student with a glare. "I'm saying that you need to find those damn reports on the double! NOW, DAMN IT!"
"YES, SIR!" Coby and Helmeppo saluted fearfully, redoubling their efforts to comb through the archives.
"Still, though, if that many people stayed on, you must have an impressive reputation 'pu." Gappa spoke up, his voice filled with awe.
"I'd like to imagine so, yes," Cross nodded with a smile. "It's hard to really say, seeing as we only get callers once in a while and we haven't yet reached a big city that's heard of us, but with any luck, we'll get a good reaction once we get there. For now, though, the numbers speak for themselves. And a good thing too, considering the topics I speak about."
"Only because Sengoku hasn't ordered someone who's guaranteed not to fail to pursue the Straw Hats yet," growled a furious voice. Coby and Helmeppo froze, and Garp spared the newcomer in the archives a glance.
"What are you doing here, mutt?" Garp asked nonchalantly.
"The tower wasn't shaking from your usual laughter during the pirate's show, and Sengoku said you were here when I came to see if he'd actually managed to silence you this time," Akainu replied emotionlessly.
"What do you mean 'pu?"
"Well, I put out a lot of material that could be called controversial, but really, it's just me exposing secrets that corrupt people would rather I not say. I'm spreading the truth, and showing a lot of the world what goes on that they don't see," Cross explained. "It's my hope that I'm managing to make a positive difference in the world, you know?"
"Wow, pu. You must be really, really important 'pu!"
"Eh? Well, sure, I mean I hope so but—!"
"No, really 'pu!" Gappa repeated firmly. "After all, you stand up to the World Government every day, not caring about your life in the least, all for the sake of others 'pu? That's awesome! It's like you're… you're a superhero 'pu!"
The admiral grimaced as the guest on the other end continued heaping on praise. "I'm curious against my will as to why you're spending your time digging through old records."
Garp cleared away the papers from his desk with an angry wave of his hand and stood up. "Because Baron Omatsuri's name and voice both sound vaguely familiar to me."
Akainu stared flatly at his lower-ranked superior. "Is this another one of your jokes?"
"USE YOUR HEAD, MUTT!" Garp roared as he slammed his fist onto the desk, causing Coby and Helmeppo to fumble the papers they held. "HIS VOICE IS VAGUELY FAMILIAR TO ME! WHICH MEANS THAT I RECOGNIZE IT FROM MY GLORY DAYS! MY GLORY DAYS! DO YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING HERE, DO YOU COMPREHEND THE SCALE!?"
Coby and Helmeppo would never forget that moment, as it was the first time that they ever saw the fearsome Admiral Akainu come to a realization of something panic-worthy.
"…I'll lend you a hand, then," the admiral said quietly.
Garp snorted darkly before returning to his papers. "Glad to hear it. Now grab a cabinet and find anything you can on that bastard Omatsuri, double-time."
Coby and Helmeppo shivered as they watched one of the three greatest soldiers in the world acquiesce without a word of protest before returning to their own tasks.
"You really are great 'pu! What was your name, again?"
"Jeremiah Cross, and this is Soundbite."
"Good to meet you both 'pu. Here, follow me, I'll show you to the best place to watch all the action 'pu!"
"Hey, thanks, Gappa!"
"Not a problem, Cross. But, well, one thing 'pu? Earlier, when you were talking about your show, you acted like it was no big deal 'pu."
"Well… come on, let's be honest here: it's only one show. I'm doing my best, and I have some expectations, but I try to keep them sane. That way, I can be pleasantly surprised, you know?"
"Sure as hell doesn't MEAN HE'S MODEST, THOUGH!"
"Quiet, you."
"Well, either way, you're doing a great thing 'pu! And that means you should take more pride in what you're doing 'pu. Being pleasantly surprised is one thing, but you shouldn't set your opinion of yourself lower than it should be 'pu. Maybe try boasting or something, just so long as you show some pride 'pu! It's not healthy not to acknowledge your talents 'pu!"
"…Alright, I'll consider it," Cross conceded.
"Still, in the end, it doesn't really matter," Akainu muttered, more to himself than anyone. "Because if you really are right, then Jeremiah Cross might be out of our hair sooner than I ever could have hoped."
-o-
[…pwah…] Cowboy sighed as he finished draining the bottle he'd yanked out of his saddlebag. [So. All in favour of forgetting about that scary-beyond-all-reason non sequitur for the sake of our sanity and paying attention to the race?]
[Aye!] agreed the five ducks and camel alongside him.
[Good. Now cram it and listen.]
"OK, everyone, the race is underway! From this perspective, I can see a lot more of the racecourse! Our group seems to be ahead of the Four Wise Men… no, wait, in both cases, the other boats are pulling ahead now! Customized boats for Omatsuri's crew, naturally…"
"Not really 'pu. True, they're designed so the geezers can drive them 'pu. But the boats have equal seafaring skills; the drivers control the navigation, and the currents will do the rest 'pu."
[Are there really currents that strong in the world?] Eyelashes asked in surprise.
[A few, yes,] Hikoichi nodded sagely. [The first example I can think of is Reverse Mountain, probably the strongest currents in the world. But it's no surprise that more exist along the sanctuary of insanity called the Grand Line.]
"Huh? Oh, now that you mention it, they do seem to be neck-and-neck now—wait a second, what's that? Keroko is using a grill they have onboard the boat to create a smokescreen? …Actually, that's kind of clever, I'll have to remember that one. Alright, they're clear of the smokescreen, and now—whoa, that's not good, Keroko's throwing burning charcoal at them!"
[It's as I always say!] Bourbon Jr. snickered as he toasted his bottle of BBQ sauce to the rest of the group. [Never underestimate the power of barbeque!] And with that, he threw his beak back and started chugging the bottle.
Kentauros eyed his comrade warily. [I will never know how the hell he manages to drink that shit straight.]
[I don't even want to know…] Ivan X rumbled with a grimace.
"That's NOTHING! Look at KEROSHOT!"
"What, what's he—MISSILE LAUNCHERS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HOW IS THAT FAIR?!"
[Am I the only one flashing back to that time Captain tried that special saddle that Cobra brought back from the last Reverie?]
[Why he thought anything that Vegapunk made would have been normal is beyond me…]
"Besides the rules that detail the winner, anything goes in the Ordeal of Hell's pu. You figured that out yourself in the last Ordeal 'pu."
"Still, isn't this weighted a little too much in Omatsuri's favour?"
"Your swordsman and chef are strong. And there are emergency kits in the other boat to help the other two 'pu."
"They may be strong, yeah, but—NOW IT'S A MACHINE GUN?!"
"Yeah, those geezers are resourceful 'pu."
[There's resourceful and then there's flat-out insane,] Cowboy declared with a sweatdrop.
"AND Zoro and Sanji are getting along as well as they NORMALLY DO. NOT GOOD!" Soundbite remarked.
"Alright, how about we turn our attention to the other boat…" Cross trailed off before heaving a weary sigh. "…which is currently on fire."
"And not in a good way 'pu."
"And not in—DAMN IT!"/"And not in—DAMN IT!"
[Wow, that little sucker actually managed to beat them to the punch. Impressive!] Bourbon Jr. whistled.
"You two really are good at this 'pu. I've just been doing it for longer 'pu."
"Wait, what?! How old are—?!"
"Oh, it looks like they found the rescue kits 'pu."
[Oh, that's good! Maybe now things'll be more even!] Stomp squawked eagerly.
"That's great!…or not."
[…I didn't say nuthin'...] the rookie duck groaned, shrinking under the acrid glares his superiors pinned him with.
"Tsk, Nami's got freaking coffee mugs for all the good it's doing her, while Usopp—WHAT THE—!?"
"Up, up, AND AWAY!"
"Not the time, Soundbite! And you!"
"Who, me 'pu?"
"Yes, 'you-poo'!"
"DON'T MOCK ME!"
The ducks and camel recoiled as the dopey teen on the other end suddenly exploded in anger.
[That was freaky…] Stomp whimpered.
[Shaddup—!] Kentauros started to yell.
[He has a point, you know,] Cowboy cut in coolly, though it didn't hide the slight quiver in his voice.
[Ah…] The helmeted duck flinched and coughed into his wing. [Ahem. Sorry, force of habit.]
-o-
"Come on, come on, come oooon…" Apoo hissed as he dug around in the mechanism installed in the shell of one of his snails. "Aaaaalmoooost—!"
"I'LL DAMN WELL MOCK YOU IF I WANT, YOU'RE STACKING THE DECK WORSE THAN MOST CASINOS!"
"GAH!" Apoo yelped, reflexively jerking his hyper-dexterous arm at the outburst, causing over half a dozen wires to cross in the shell, which caused a cascade of short circuits, which in turn caused the snail to vomit up a cloud of acrid smoke with a pained wheeze before collapsing in on itself, X-d out eyes hanging limply from their stalks.
"Nonono—DAMN IT!" the long-armed pirate snarled as he slammed his fist on the desk. "That was my last Galaga-Sinbad-7-Blade model transponder! The strongest model on the whole freaking market!" He snapped his head around to glare at the rest of the snails on the shelves of his cabin. "What about the rest of you? Any luck getting through?"
The dozen-plus snails arrayed on the walls exchanged glances before shaking their heads in unison.
"Damn it…" Apoo ground the heel of his palm into his forehead with a frustrated growl. "What the hell is going on…" Left with no other option, he settled in and resigned himself to listening to his new friend's broadcast, unable to ignore the sense of dread steadily mounting in his gut.
"THAT'S—! Grgh…" Gappa grit out, obviously fighting to wrestle his temper into submission. "That's why the invitation says 'pirates among pirates among pirates among pirates' pu! Don't you justify any cheating you do by reminding people what you are 'pu!?"
"I… wish… I had a valid comeback to that…" Cross finally admitted.
Apoo frowned. "Wait a minute, I know he was just introduced to the SBS. How does he know that line?"
Apparently, Soundbite was mirroring his thought process. "HEY, WAIT, how did you—?"
"Oh, hey, looks like your navigator's noticed that your sniper's missing 'pu!"
Apoo's frown deepened into a suspicious scowl. "Changing the subject again…"
Unfortunately, this time around, Soundbite wasn't quite as savvy as the pirate. "EH—? OHOHOHOH, SHE'S—!" The snail's chortling suddenly choked off. "… Actually, she looks kind of HURT…"
"Aaand there goes the boat. Nami's ringed up and out of the game. Christ on a pikestaff, we're gonna need to act fast to keep her from biting Usopp's head off once he lands…"
"Well, don't do it right away 'pu! I bet it'll be hilarious 'pu!"
"Yeah, maybe so, but—!"
"But what 'pu?"
"But… uh… hm… well…" Cross's protests gradually trailed off into confused muttering. "I-I suppose… A little bit of reaming couldn't hurt…"
Apoo immediately sat up, staring at the snail in shock. "The hell—!?"
"Huh? Cross, you sure? I MEAN, I like LONG-NOSE'S PAIN AS MUCH AS THE NEXT JACKASS, BUT—!"
"Hey, looks like something's wrong with your cook and swordsman 'pu!"
"Huh? Ohhh boy, looks like my plate-headed friend here is right. Re-focusing on the race, we go back to two of our top fighters who are at once the best and worst team the Straw Hats can produce, short of either the whole crew or Soundbite and myself."
"UH… Y-YEAH! … Wait, which one are we?"
"Take a wild guess. Anyway, looks like their quota for working together has run out, they're focusing more on each other than on their competitors, who are drawing nearer with—"
Suddenly, a chorus of singing metal rang out across the world.
"…Good swordplay 'pu."
"No kidding," Cross snickered proudly. "Well, those two are dead in the water now, but Zoro and Sanji will have to turn back a—WHAT THE?!"
"5 seconds and the ship is NOT ONLY FIXED but turned into a WATER-PLANE? That's the term, right?"
"Eh, I don't think it can fly, but the design is—"
There was suddenly a flurry of harsh and firm impacts.
"…no longer appreciable."
"Even our chef's feet aren't that strong 'pu."
"Freaking unbelievable… Well, at least it's gone down—SON OF A BITCH!"
"OK, cheating enemies, THOUGH THEY ARE, THAT'S FREAKING AWESOME! THAT DRILL IS THE DRILL THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!"
"NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE TIME, SOUND—"
Amidst the renewed symphony of swords and strikes, Apoo gained a thoughtful expression. "Pierce the heavens… I'll have to remember that one."
-o-
"…huh. Uh, never mind, viewers. Talk about anticlimactic; Zoro and Sanji literally dismantled the boat, and the rings are tossed. And meanwhile, Usopp's still in the sky, and Nami is hanging on a rope; Keroko's been snagged, but Kerojii… is challenging both Zoro and Sanji at once."
"Why do they fight so much anyway 'pu? Aren't you supposed to be crewmates 'pu?"
"Eh, it's a grand confluence of conflicting neuroses and psychoses, but while they might fight each other from time to time, they can pull their own, especially when they can stomach working together. And either way, they've always got each other's backs. We all do, really. I doubt you'll find many closer crews on the sea!"
"That form of relationship sounds veeeeery familiar, yoyoi!" Kumadori proclaimed as he struck a pose. "Whether pirates or government, it would appear that in the end we are aaaaaaall one and the sa—!" THWACK! "YOWOWOIII!" The kabuki-faced assassin slumped to his knees, clutching a nascent lump on his skull.
"Will you do me a favour and shut the hell up already!?" Jabra snarled as he shrank back from his hybrid form. "It's freaking impossible to listen to anything over your damn racket! AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU!"
That last was directed at Fukuro, who was rifling through a Rolodex he was holding in his palm. Fukuro glanced back at Jabra, but rather than throw out one of his usual reminders, he just sighed and went back to looking. "This is business, chapapa. Kalifa called and asked me to do some research on the Baron."
Jabra growled lightly under his breath for a moment as he weighed the pros and cons of trying to get at his much more… evasive comrade, but ultimately elected to turn back to the show, doing his idle best to ignore the so-called 'Silent Owl.'
"Then why are they being so haphazard 'pu?" Gappa asked with childish innocence.
"Oh, dear! It sounds as though these steadfast comrades may be—!"
"WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY, DAMN IT!?" Jabra roared.
"EEP!"
"Haphazard? What do you—oh, that's what. So... apparently, Kerojii is actively trying to make them attack each other, hopping between their heads and the ends of the boat, trying to get in their way with each other…aaand there goes Sanji, Zoro only barely managed to dodge. And by dodge, I mean pushing Sanji in the way."
"Honour among thieves," Soundbite muttered, albeit with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.
Jabra frowned in confusion. "That's weird…"
Fukuro cocked an eyebrow absentmindedly. "Eh? How so? Pirates betray pirates every day."
"Most pirates, yeah, but as much as the World Government denies it, we've been steadily shown proof positive that the Straw Hats aren't normal pirates. They wouldn't normally do something like this." Jabra rubbed his thumb over his braided beard. "Ergh, something's not right here…" He promptly snapped his fingers at Fukuro. "When you get that intel for Kalifa, share it with me as well."
The Silent Owl snapped a thumbs-up as he swapped out the Rolodex for a new one. "Got it."
"Yeah, that kind of reaction is a surprise, even coming from those two. But hey," It was evident that Cross had just shrugged. "I guess tempers are high. But geeze, that old geezer is nimble… uh-oh. Crap, Zoro's vulnerable!"
"We're gonna win 'pu!"
"USOPP POUND!" Soundbite suddenly barked out in the voice of the crew's sniper.
"…Or not 'pu. Wow, was that unlucky."
"Ha! Death and a giant hammer from above from our sniper! One well-tossed ring… and it's over! Two for two, the Straw Hat Pirates win!"
"YOYOI, VICTORY! VICTORY!" Kumadori danced around, cheering at the top of his lungs. Jabra didn't object this time, too distracted eyeing Fukuro's suddenly intensified focus on one of his cards.
"…Well, congratulations. I'd recommend you head back to the rest of your crew, we'll send those four along 'pu. Those fireworks don't come out often; it seems that the Baron will be holding a dinner party to celebrate your victories 'pu. I hope you enjoy it. After you've eaten, you'll face me in the final Ordeal of Hell 'pu."
"Oh, just one more?"
"Yes. Pass the final Ordeal, and you can enjoy all that the master of this island has to offer his guests 'pu."
"Fine by me! Well, I'll see you then, Gappa!… Uh, Soundbite? Something on your mind?"
"EH? Ah… nothing, nothing, I JUST THOUGHT… I'm fine, I THINK THE FIREWORKS SCREWED ME UP a bit is all."
"Well, if you say so."
"Is it just me, or did that sound very particularly ominous to anyone else, yoyoi?" Kumadori glanced at his comrades warily.
"Eh, what's the worst that could happen? Glorified goldfish catching and glorified ring-tossing, I don't think this baron's that big of a threat to the likes of them," Jabra waved his hand dismissively, although the tension in his body language said otherwise.
After a minute of no reply, he looked up to see Fukuro dialling on another snail, a look of unease on his face. "You find something?"
The team's resident gossip hound snapped a card up for Jabra to see.
The wolf-man gave the punchcard a once-over—
"SHIT!"
Before snatching the card out of Fukuro's hand and shaving the hell out of the room, making tracks for Spandam's office.
Kumadori swapped his confused gaze between the door and his rotund friend before crossing his arms with a huff. "Well, now I just feel left out, yoyoi~…"