For the first time in a long time, the Big Top was absolutely silent, the Buggy Pirates (plus one) hanging onto every word coming out of their Transponder Snail's mouth. Well, that, and sneaking nervous glances towards their captain, who was pacing the deck like a caged tiger. Every so often, he would pause, look into the distance, and mutter to himself before continuing to wear a groove in the deck. It was almost as spooky as the SBS, and though their captain didn't abuse his crew nearly as often these days, no one wanted to provoke his temper.
"…Well, it's official. For all of Baron Omatsuri's…shall we say, 'advanced age', the resort does seem to be everything promised. I'm seeing pools, I'm seeing gourmet drinks… heck, here's XXX relaxing by a pool with a gourmet drink! Where'd you get that particular delicacy, XXX?"
"Muchigoro provided it. Apparently, it's a custom of the island for him to serve our every command for losing the game. Unfortunately, he seems to be a little drunk presently."
"YOU WOULDN'T have anything to do with that, would you?" Soundbite asked dryly.
"Oh, come now, would I do that?"
"Obvious answer is obvious," Cross chuckled. "Anyway, where's everyone else?"
"Chopper wandered off to explore a while ago, and Lassoo wandered off in search of the quietest and most comfortable place he could find to relax, citing something about the 'servants making his skin crawl'. Vivi is enjoying the royal treatment in the spa with Carue watching over her, Luffy ran off after someone with a toothbrush mustache who was throwing stones at him, and Conis has apparently lost track of her fox, and is searching for her. Also… not that I'm complaining, Soundbite, but you're being rather quiet."
"HUH? Oh, yeah… sorry," Soundbite apologized with a wince. "I... everything's kind of BLURRY RIGHT NOW…"
"…Cross, I don't think Soundbite is well." Even through the blurring, the concern in the mystery crewmate's voice was obvious.
"I FEEL FINE!" Soundbite barked indignantly before shifting his glance to the side. "It's just my powers feel… screwy. I…I'm still trying TO FIND BOSS AND THE TDWS…"
"See? No need to worry about it, he's fine. He'll be back to his normal self in no time. Anyway, gotta go; enjoy your lounging, XXX."
"Since when is Cross that dim?" Alvida muttered to herself. "His partner feels strange and yet he brushes it off like it's nothing?"
"Not to mention that lack of concern for the dugongs," Cabaji commented. "After all of those lines from earlier on friendship and unity, that's not even remotely in character for him."
"Ah… yeah, if you say so…" Soundbite ultimately agreed, if somewhat uncertainly. "OH, HEY, XXX, BEFORE we go, you're SURE YOU haven't seen CHOPPER ANYWHERE?"
"Hm? Not since he wandered off, no. Why do you ask?"
"… No reason."
A vocal equivalent of a shrug. "If you say so. I may go out for a bit myself later; Muchigoro told me of a species of flower that only grows on this island, the Lily Carnation."
"What's that, a cross-breed between—?" Mohji started to ask.
"WHAT?! WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?!"
Everyone present looked back at Buggy and recoiled; the clown looked absolutely horrified. The next second, he leaped for the receiver and began dialling.
"What are you doing, Buggy?" Alvida asked, honest concern in her voice.
"WHAT THE FLASHY HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING? I'M CALLING THE SBS!"
"C-Captain?" Cabaji asked hesitantly.
"I've been to that island before, Cabaji…" Buggy grimly bit out. "I've tried to forget that day ever happened, and I've been denying it this entire time. I thought that first name was just a coincidence. I prayed, but that second name, that name…" The Clown Pirate shuddered in horror. "I need to call the Straw Hats and warn them! Warn them that that Island is nothing more than a trap, one of the most dangerous traps in all of the Grand Line! A trap so vile, so utterly horrific that it put me off of the Grand Line and forced me to settle for the fucking East Blue!"
"And you want to call the Straw Hats and warn them about that because…?"
Buggy pinned Alvida with a glare so intense that she actually took a step back. "Because as I escaped from that hell, I made the mistake of looking back. I saw what that… that place did to my crewmates, and it has haunted my nightmares, the nightmares of a man who's seen everything the Grand Line has to offer, ever since. What I saw…" Buggy grit his teeth, an audible grinding noise issuing out as he threw a haunted stare at the snail. "I may be a right flashy bastard, but I'd like to imagine that I still have some semblance of a soul. No one deserves that hell. Not even the Straw Hats."
-o-
"Ah, there you are, Vivi! Enjoying the royal treatment, your majesty?"
"Quite so, Mister Jeremiah," came Vivi's voice, unusually imperialistic. "Their XXX Island masque is making me feel truly alive. Perhaps you should sample it; it's herbal and made from the local flowers. Whether you do or not, I've really missed this. I haven't had a good royal spa treatment since before I left home."
"Same hewe. These guys know how tah tweat a duck as good as Alabasta did!"
"Hey, Pops…" Kohza slowly glanced at his commander-in-chief with a wary expression. "Correct me if I'm wrong… but I do remember Vivi hating spa treatments to high heaven and Carue being right there with her, right?"
"Yes, but that was two years ago. Considering the fax—ahem, mah, mah, MAH! Considering the fact that they spent two years undercover as assassins and had to leave the country immediately after their labours bore fruit, I don't find it strange that either of them would want to take advantage of it when the chance is presented to them," Igaram replied before Cobra could. "I know that I certainly did."
"That's plausible, Igaram, but what I find strange is that she said that her masque came from local flowers when they established that the only flower that they've seen is the talking one on the Baron's shoulder," Chaka noted with an uncomfortable frown.
"Well, the results may be good, but I'm not sure the way you look right now is worth it," Cross said cheekily. "I don't think the green and gray really match your hair."
"The process might be ugly, Mister Jeremiah, but I assure you that the results will be worth it…"
"And she would know that how, exactly?" Pell wondered.
"Well, Miss Monday talked her into trying one out. And… it took her about two months to forgive me for screaming when I saw them."
"Who, the assassin or Vivi?"
"Yes."
"I sure hope so; OTHERWISE, YOU'LL HAVE LESS dignity THAN NAMI!" Soundbite cackled eagerly. "HOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEE—!"
"Watch your tongue, Soundbite," Vivi cut him off, her tone suddenly as hard as granite. "Or else."
"HAHA—HURK!? WHAT THE FUCK, VIVI!?"
"What the hell!?" Kohza jerked forward, staring at the snail in shock and horror, his expression mirrored throughout the royal master bedroom. "W-What—was that Vivi!?"
"There is no way in the world that my daughter would be so harsh over anything so trivial!" Cobra barked harshly before turning towards his Captain of the Guard with a disturbed expression. "Or… is there, Igaram?"
"I-I don't believe so, your majesty," Igaram stammered. "Even in her persona as Miss Wednesday, even when she had to act cold and cruel, she was never even remotely that… that glacial. T-This shift in her attitude, I-I-I can't—ahem, mah, mah, MAH!—can't even begin to explain it!"
Meanwhile, one voice on the other end of the connection was disturbingly undisturbed by the princess's coldness. "Well! There's more proof that you should never come between a woman and her beauty!" Cross said cheerfully. "Well, we've got to be going, more crewmates to see, after all. Enjoy the spa!"
"That I will, Mister Jeremiah," Vivi sighed in contentment. "That I will…"
"Take aww the time you need, Cwoss, aww the time you need. Meanwhiwe, ah'll be enjoying theshe dewicious apewitifs!"
"Well, alright, then! See you!" And with that, Cross apparently left the room, but the conversation was clearly not over.
"Uh, Cross?" Soundbite spoke up through gritted teeth. "I HATE TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE, BUT EITHER Vivi really loves her spa treatments… OR she's lost it!"
"What, you mean how she reacted? Pff, that's probably just how she acts when she really gets to unwind," Cross scoffed dismissively. "Come on, Soundbite, you're making a big deal out of nothing again! Remember that time you thought that salesman was part of the Snail Illuminati?"
"I STILL HOLD THAT THAT MOLLUSK WAS SPEAKING IN CODE!"
"What does it say about the Straw Hats that the term 'Snail Illuminati' doesn't even faze me?" Chaka asked dryly.
"Nothing we didn't know already," Pell replied just as dryly. "And… considering the spa treatment and the fact that this is Soundbite we're talking about, perhaps Vivi's reaction is reasonable."
Suddenly, the clatter of sandals and talons running on tile erupted over the connection.
"Get back hewe, would ya!? Wait up!"
"HELP! GIANT DUCK, GIANT DUCK!"
There was a brief moment of silence as the ruckus faded into the distance before Cross chuckled in amusement. "Well, it seems that when he really wants to, that duck is capable of living up to his species' name." There was a moment of silence. "What? Come on, Soundbite, that was funny!"
"EH?" Soundbite turned an inquisitive eye towards, presumably, Cross. His other was preoccupied with swinging back and forth nervously. "Uh, yeah, sure, W-WHATEVER YOU SAY, HAHA."
The Alabastans, meanwhile, were fully aware of the discrepancy that Soundbite had merely suspected.
"Carue… left Vivi alone?" Igaram breathed in disbelief. "For food?"
"Alright, that's it," Cobra growled, snapping up from where he'd been sitting. "Something is visibly rotten in the city of Mariejois, and I mean beyond the usual decay. Call Sabo at once and let him know that I need to speak with Dragon immediately."
-o-
"Now then, where to next, where to ne—Oh, hey, Conis! Eesh, you look freaked. What's wrong?"
"Oh, hello, Cross. Howlit—er, I mean, Lassoo wandered out an hour or two ago, saying that he needed some air, and that the staff were kind of creeping him out. Then, when he didn't come back, Su told me that she was going to go looking for him. But she hasn't come back either. Soundbite, can you hear her?"
"AH… ergh, damn it… I'm sorry, CONIS; my hearing is messed up, FUZZIER THAN SU AFTER A BATH."
"Eh, don't worry, Conis, Lassoo probably just fell asleep, and I bet Su is just enjoying the chance to explore an exotic location without the spectre of certain death looming overhead."
"Cross, can you please try to be at least a little more serious here? Soundbite can't hear anything, and some of our crew is missing!"
"SHE HAS a point, dude! LOOK, I WANTED A VACATION AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, BUT THIS ISLAND HAS FELT OFF since we landed! And with everything that's been HAPPENING—!"
"Oh, psh, is that all?" Cross scoffed nonchalantly. "Come off it, do you really think I haven't noticed the weird vibes this place is giving off? I can be thick, but I'm not Luffy thick. It's obvious that this place is weird, but it can't be anything worse than a glorified Davy Back Fight, so really there's nothing to worry about!"
"But if this is another trap like back on Long Ring Long, doesn't that make it doubly important that we break out of it as soon as possible before we're irreversibly snared!?" Conis demanded.
"Why should we? The benefits of getting into it are currently outdoing the costs by a pretty hefty margin, and by broadcasting this, my show'll get tons of viewers! Plus, there's no risk of losing one of our crew forever this time, right?"
"Speak for yourself…"
"Eh?"
"N-NOTHING!"
"If you say so."
"You know, it's obvious that he wants to be heard, that's no surprise, but when did he care this much about increasing his viewer were?" Paulie wondered.
"I'm more worried about how callous and oblivious he's being," Iceburg said with a frown. "His crewmates are acting abnormally, and yet he's just treating it like some harmless game. He only does that when it's only him in danger, or he has things under control, neither of which appears to be the case here. The only reason I can think of would be if something was blatantly wrong with him, and if so, it appears to have extended to the rest of the crew as well."
"Which… is bad," Kaku summarized flatly.
The chief of Galley-La nodded solemnly. "Very, very bad."
"Anyway, if there's nothing else, let's just go meet the others outside," Cross continued in an entirely too casual tone. "Easy money says that the others are getting impatient, and besides, Su and Lassoo are bound to show up for dinner, right?"
"Mmmph… well, that's a good point…" Conis conceded, though by her tone she clearly disagreed. "Alright, which way is it, exactly?"
As the broadcast devolved back into simple walking and idle conversation, Kalifa cracked open the back door, looking distinctly ill at ease. Kaku, Lucci, and Blueno noticed and surreptitiously moved out the door to join their comrade.
"What's the matter?" Kaku muttered as he maintained a subtle watch on their erstwhile colleagues.
The female agent shook her head as she shuffled the papers she was practically strangling. "I've searched records thoroughly, I've asked everyone I can, I've even…" She hazarded a glance at where the rest of the company was before dropping her voice. "Called Enies for intelligence on this Baron Omatsuri."
"And?" Blueno asked.
"The most recent records of anyone with that name are of a pirate crew known as the Red Arrow Pirates. They sailed the seas for decades, but then disappeared without a trace." She looked at each of her comrades in turn, a panicked glint behind her glasses. "The issue with that particular identification is that the date they disappeared was two years before Roger's execution."
-o-
"Hey, everyone, how's it going?" Cross asked cheerily.
"Read the mood, asshole," snarled several voices, of a quality that made the listeners stiffen in unwilling anticipation. It was best compared to a barrel of chlorine trifluoride hovering over a glacier; frigid, but one push away from a superheated and incredibly toxic explosion. Soundbite whimpered audibly.
"Wow, I haven't seen a mood that bad since—"
Drake cut himself off at the twin glares Jonathan and Jessica were giving him. "Since never! Never seen any mood that bad, nope!" he hastily amended, cold sweat cascading down his temples.
"Ooh, tough crowd," Cross drawled, albeit with a hint of mischief in his voice. But not his usual mischief; rather than being playful and fun, this tone was more… dark. Cruel, even. "Why so serious, guys? What, are we not having fun here? I know that I sure am, and hopefully, my viewers are too! Uh… where's Chopper?"
"Oh, he told Robin he'd be back soon, so he should—"
"There's no way in hell that I can have any kind of 'fun' with this big-mouthed long-nosed traitor even remotely nearby," Nami growled venomously.
"Damn it, what did I even do, Nami?!" Usopp plaintively demanded.
"You know damn well, you bastard," the navigator hissed.
"No! I don't! And yeah, I know my parents never married, but that bastard line is uncalled for!"
"What did you do to Nami-swan, Usopp? She wouldn't lie," Sanji snarled.
"Idiot cook, she lies all the time if it'll get her another beri," Zoro growled back, black hatred colouring his voice.
"SAY THAT AGAIN, SHITTY MOSSHEAD!" Sanji roared.
"She. Lies. All. The—"
"GUYS, KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!"
"The snail's right, this is just sad."
"Thank you, Cross," Conis sighed in relief.
"Seriously, can't you two come up with some new material?" Cross complained in what appeared to be all sincerity. "I mean, 'Cook' and 'Mosshead' have been done to death, why not do something original, eh?"
"STOP HELPING, CROSS!" Conis promptly pleaded.
"Eesh, you try and lend a hand, and all you get in return is—"
"MISTER JEREMIAH!"
"GAH! What, Vivi—whoa, hello, fashion horror show, there appears to be something on your—"
"The Baron cut my spa treatment short because of the dinner party that he's about to throw for us. I was enjoying myself more than I have for the last two years!"
"The new recruits won't be happy to hear that," Drake muttered.
Jonathan did not reply, too focused on what was coming out of his snail's mouth. The intent stare on his face had discouraged anyone from interrupting him.
"Well, you can hardly blame me for his scheduling and policies," Cross waved her off indifferently.
"I'm not, that would be unfair," Vivi reassured him before her entire expression swapped to apoplectic fury. "I'm blaming you because it's your fault that I can't take my sweet time enjoying a spa treatment back in Alabasta, WHERE I'D BE TREATED PROPERLY LIKE THE ROYALTY I AM!"
There was a moment of tense, frigid silence, filled only with harsh, rapid breathing.
Ultimately, however, the silence was broken with a single smug phrase.
"Don't you mean 'was'?"
And down went the barrel.
"DAMN IT, CROSS!" Conis cried out.
And from there, the situation only worsened, ultimately dominating the SBS. It was almost as though Cross had forgotten that the microphone was on. That, or he just didn't care who heard the strife that was afflicting the crew. The blurred voice that they knew to be Nico Robin seemed to be the only one still calm, trying to ask Luffy to calm them down. Before the captain could make any headway, however, the sound of drums rang out.
"Okay, did Cross get his brain replaced while no one was looking?" Holger incredulously demanded. "Ever since day one of the SBS, he's been almost as pissed off about Princess Vivi's situation as the princess herself! This isn't a personality shift, this is a complete transplant!"
"It makes about as much sense as anything else that's been going on right now," Cormac replied with a grimace.
"Quiet," Jonathan snapped. Both officers promptly shut up, and all present in the room quieted as the Vice Admiral began pushing around pieces on his chessboard.
Sadly, the reality of the situation was brought back to the fore by the mocking voice of the island's master.
"Now, now, now, what's with all of this arguing? I thought that a crew as united as yours would go along well?" Baron Omatsuri drawled.
"Oh, spare us the wisecracks," Zoro shot back venomously.
"Yeah, so we're going through a rough patch, big whoop." The nonchalant shrug in Cross's voice was plain to hear, as was the newfound darkness in Omatsuri's chuckle.
"As you wish. I will now entertain you all with a private dinner party!"
Henrick glanced around nervously as the sound of shifting water sounded out. "I'm not the only one who's disturbed by just how evil this guy suddenly sounds, right?"
"Is it sudden, or is he just no longer bothering to put on a ruse?" Holger asked right back.
"Well, is there no end to the surprises on this island?" Cross whistled in awe. "It would appear that even this seemingly innocuous pond is capable of turning into—"
"I present to you the outdoor iron-griddle restaurant!"
"—yes, that. Omatsuri's chef is standing on the griddle, which is now on fire, wearing skates that seem to be made out of lard and carrying a pair of… what are those, pizza paddles?"
"They're spatulas, actually, custom-made for my head chef, Kotetsu!" Omatsuri stated.
"Got it."
"I can only pray, pray that they'll be able to get over whatever problems are making them act like this long enough to have a good meal," Jessica pleaded, more to herself than anyone.
[That's assuming that they haven't drugged the food,] Isaiah cut in, writing out the same words on the notepad he had before him. Jessica grimaced as she saw it.
"Drugs… or something stronger," Jonathan muttered.
"What was that, Commander?" Henrick asked hesitantly.
Jonathan positioned the last piece on his board before resting his head in his hands. "Of the present Straw Hats, the only ones that are not acting extremely out of character are the captain, Soundbite, Nico Robin, and Conis. In short, the ones unaffected are the ones that are not normal humans, with 'normal' being relative."
"But isn't Cross's physiology abnormal, too?" Drake questioned.
[YES, BUT HE'S DIFFERENT IN THAT HE'S SOMEHOW LESS POWERFUL THAN THE REST OF THE CREW! ERGO, IT'S AS THOUGH HE'S BEING HIT BY A SEA KING!] Terry furiously squawked and slashed into a notepad.
"And now whole carts of food are being tossed into the air and diced up long before they hit the grill. And now comes the shuffling around."
"This is actually pretty impressive…" Conis mused absentmindedly.
"Yeah, but it's a slippery slope, Conis," Cross warned. "It's a good performance, but if any food's wasted, then the whole spectacle is pointless."
"Well, either way, it looks yummy!" Luffy cried out.
"Yes, it does—oh, what's this? Oh, my, Sanji's just jumped onto the grill."
"Luffy… I'm about to make you a shitty meal 100 times better than what this fatass is making!" Sanji declared. "I'll put on a show for you all that none of you will ever forget!"
"Heh. I don't have any ingredients for you to use," came an unfamiliar voice that could only be Kotetsu.
"Then I'll just… TAKE YOURS!"
"Well, this promises to be exciting!... Though our audience seems to be missing a member. Hey, did anyone see where Vivi went?"
"I think she said something about 'going to find that damn duck' before stalking off," Usopp provided.
"Eh, her loss. 'Sides, her harping was starting to get really irritating."
"Wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense," Jessica said.
"What? I thought we'd already established that a lot of the crew is acting way out of—"
"Not that, Holger," Jessica cut in. "I'm referring to the fact that aside from the princess with her spa treatment and the duck with the food platter, none of the Straw Hats have eaten up to this point, so they couldn't have been drugged through any gastronomic means. So how could whatever's been making them go insane have gotten into their systems?!"
"Well! Looks like we have a cooking duel on our hands, ladies and gentlemen! The two of them are staring each other down… and they're off! They're rushing towards the ingredients, and they've both seized a sizable portion to work with, though Kotetsu managed to get away with more of it."
"But that's the only explanation!" Cormac started to protest, then trailed off thoughtfully. "Unless… w-what if it's airborne or something? Like a toxin or a gas or—?"
SLAM!
The Marines jumped almost a foot off the air and stared at their commanding officer in shock.
Jonathan was scowling grimly, driving the black queen so hard into the board that both it and the desk beneath were starting to crack.
"Pollen," he spat. "It's the flower."
-o-
"And now we see the differentiation in approach between the two chefs!" Cross announced proudly, at least a hint of his old self entering his voice. "Kotetsu is mixing his portion in with a large helping of noodles, while Sanji has prepared a thick and rich broth for the food to marinate in… and what's this? Oh, I was wrong, it's not broth. It's batter! He's making a pancake!"
"Pancakes for dinner? The brat must have lost his mind out there on the high seas!" Patty chortled for a second before he was cut off by a dope slap courtesy of Carne.
"Less backseat-cooking, more real-life cooking! This marathon might be insane, but it's still managing to whip up a massive dinner rush!" the shorter chef barked. "Besides, pancakes are great for dinner!"
"Where, Podunk, South Blue?"
"I'll have you know that Podunk was a respectable community, and that—!"
THWACK-WHACK!
"OW!" the belligerent chefs chorused as they clutched their skulls.
"If you can't keep up the pace while listening, then I will fry this snail myself, you hear me?" Zeff growled as he loomed behind the two, the snail flinching in fear. "Now come on!" He slid two dozen plates of beautifully designed food before them. "Order up!" The head chef then turned his attention to the snail as he got back to work. After all, he could do this in his sleep, quite literally.
"Go, Sanji! You're looking great! Do your best!" Nami cheered.
"Keep it up, Sanji! Go, go, go!" Usopp concurred.
A moment later, however, both voices fell silent.
"Oh, dear, it seems that our navigator and sniper are still angry with each other. What a pity," Cross remarked, the dark humour returning full force.
"Cross, can't you do something about them? S-Something to actually help them? Now Nami's just walking away to sit next to that fish keeper, and Usopp's wandering into the forest," Conis said worriedly.
"Oh, don't worry so much, Conis. They'll get over it with a little time alone. And honestly, it's sort of cute watching them fight."
"C-Cute?" Conis repeated in disbelief. "Cross—!"
"OYSTER SAUCE!"
"Oh, hold that thought!" Cross said.
"SEAWEED FLAKES!"
"Looks like Kotetsu is finishing up his dish!"
"And with a dash of red, pickled ginger, my XXX Island yakisoba will be complete! Bon appetit!"
"Sounds like they made an awesome dish!" Patty commented as he returned to his station.
"Yeah, too bad Sanji's going to upstage him without a sweat!" Carne cackled eagerly.
Zeff smirked slightly, lowering his peg-leg from its pre-whack position.
"Well, well, that's quite the appealing pasta dish—wait, what the hell—whoa!"
"Thanks for the ingredients!" Sanji called out.
"… One of these days, I'm going to have to ask just how thoroughly that old man trained him. Viewers, Sanji just gathered up all of that pasta, meat and all, with a giant pair of chopsticks, rolled it into a ball, and tossed it into the air. And now… he's flipping that pancake of his up and on top of it?"
"Super-thick sauce! A layer of mayonnaise. Aaand… as the veil-like bonito flakes dance in the air, my modan yaki is complete." The drumbeats stopped. "That's how it's done!"
"Go, Sanji, go! Looks like Kotetsu wasn't expecting to be outdone… ooh, and he just fell onto his hands and knees in disbelief, on the griddle. That's going to leave a mark."
"Sweet Conis, did you see my demonstration of cooking skills?" Sanji purred.
"Y-Yes, that was… very impressive," Conis said uncertainly, her discomfort plainly audible.
"Alright, how about serving up some of that—um. Alright, Luffy has reached a new low in table manners; he literally just dove into the food like it was a swimming pool. I'm not sure how I feel about eating that now…"
"FOR ONCE, I'm not sure I want any either," Soundbite muttered.
"I believe I've lost my appetite, too," Conis queasily agreed.
"Hey, Zoro, wake up! The food is ready!" Luffy called.
"Food? Oh, good, I'm starving."
"You think it's out of character for Sanji to try feeding Zoro food that their captain dove into?"
"No, that seems about par for the course."
"Patty, Carne, as entertaining as this is, do I need to remind you that we have—"
"You were asleep, so you can go hungry."
"Huh?"
"Anyone who doesn't cheer for me doesn't have the right to eat."
CRASH!
The cookware in Zeff's hands fell to the ground and shattered as he gaped at the Transponder Snail in stunned horror.
"O-OWNER ZEFF!"
"Sanji… he would never say that. Not in a thousand years, not if his life depended on it, not if every woman in the world begged him to say it," Zeff breathed, sinking to his knees in shock.
"Something's not right here, something's really not right!" Patty growled furiously.
Apparently, the chefs of the Baratie weren't the only ones to share this opinion.
-o-
"HAVE YOU LOST—MMPH!?" Soundbite's panicked protests were suddenly silenced without warning.
"Be quiet, you little pest, before I bash your teeth in!"
"What. The damn. Hell," Smoker grit out slowly, his cigars very swiftly burning down to nubs.
"D-Did Cross just—?!" Tashigi stammered in near-panic, unable to believe her ears.
"M-Mmph!?" Soundbite mumbled out with just as much incredulity.
"Come on, dumbass, don't you realize it yet? I don't know what the heck's going on here, but I do know that it's dramatic straight out the wazoo! The messier this gets, the more viewers I'll get, so don't ruin this for me, got it!?"
"B-BUT, but—!"
"Now shut up, we're missing some prime material here."
"He's out of his fucking mind," Smoker numbly summarized.
"H-He has to have a reason—!" Tashigi started to stammer, only to be interrupted by a sound coming over the Transponder Snail's connection.
"Cli-cli-click, click-click-click, cli-cli-click, cli-cli-click, click-click-click, cli-cli-click."
It took the ensign a moment to decipher what she was hearing, but once she did she paled in horror. "That's an SOS…" she breathed, barely able to believe what she was saying. "S-Soundbite's using his teeth to send an SOS. He-He's scared for his life… Scared of Cross…"
SLAM!
Tashigi nearly jumped clear out of her seat as Smoker slammed his fist onto the table.
"Enough is enough," he growled viciously. "Damn secrecy and damn the rest of MI4. We're ending this shitshow now. Call the snail, with any luck, he'll have the presence of mind to blur our voices."
Nodding frantically, Tashigi swept up the Transponder Snail's mic and tapped in the long-since memorized number—
!́̀͡-̴͏̡̛M͟͟҉͠Y̸̕͢͠͞ ̡̕F̴̕Ų̷̴̀N̡҉̷̸͠ ̵̧͞M҉͏̧͞Y͏̛͠͠͡ ̨͞T͘҉̛͢O͢͞Ý̡S̢̀̀͢͝ ̴̷̢̧͜M̨͘Y̷͝ ͜͜F̴͡O̸͏̢Ǫ̨͡͠͏D͘͡ ҉̴̸͠G̶O̶̶҉͘ ͞͏Ą̵̀̕Ẃ̛͘͠Ą̷̛͠Ý̵̨̛-̸̢͡!̴̡̕͜͠
Only to shriek and fumble the Snail's mic when a roar/shriek/blast of unholy sound tore its way from the poor Snail's mouth; it promptly fainted into unconsciousness, foam bubbling out of its mouth the instant its task was completed.
The two Marines stared at the Snail in horror for a moment before chorusing a singular thought.
"Shit."
-o-
"Come on, captain, think! You know the names, you know you know them, and he's even given us some descriptions, too!"
"Muchigoro, the loach-human with the giant pet goldfish!"
"Gappa, the young gunner who looks like a kappa!"
"The Four Wise Men, or Three Men and one Woman!"
"Kotetsu, the theatrical chef, built like a freakin' ox!"
"Come on, is any of this ringing a bell!?"
"Aaaaargh, yes, they're ringing plenty!" Shanks snarled as he paced back and forth, his hand desperately hammering against his forehead. "But none of it is actually making any sense! I recognize the names, I know details about them, like how Kerojii can drink like a fiend or how Muchigoro can't hold his alcohol worth shit—!"
"Focus!" Benn barked.
"But none of it has any context!" Shanks flung his arm up in desperation. "I don't know how I know them, I don't know where I know them from…"
"… Alright, now things are getting a bit weird; every single one of the candles for the party just went out at the same time… and looking more closely, it seems that our crew has been brought down to six."
"S-Seven—"
"We'll compromise at six and a quarter, now shh. This is turning… interesting."
Soundbite whimpered. "V-Viewers? C-CROSS CAN'T hear me SAYING THIS…BUT HE'S lost his mind… I'm scared…"
Shanks snarled and raked his fingers through his hair. "But damn it all, I need to find out why I get a sickening feeling of wrongness in my gut every time the baron talks! Before this gets any worse than it already is!"
"And what's this?"
"AAAAAAHHHH!"
"GEEZE, you stupid snail, why—whoa, Muchigoro… OK, so that reaction was understandable. They really take the plant motif seriously here; he's turned purple and shrivelled up like a dried reed," Cross whistled in awe.
"H-He was rambling about A STORM—"
Cross cut him off with a malevolent grin. "And meanwhile, the rest of our crew is arguing about what to do next."
"I told you to keep an eye on them!" Sanji barked.
"They aren't kids! I can't keep tabs on them all day long!" Zoro shot back.
"Five of our crew disappeared, and nobody noticed?"
"I-I noticed! I-I-I tried to SAY SOMETHING, BUT—!"
"But why are we just now noticing?!" Nami demanded.
"Because none of you are listening!" Conis pleaded. "Please, stop arguing, we need to—!"
"Luffy…" Conis choked at the sheer icy malice dripping from Sanji's words. "What are you going to do? You're the one who got us into this."
"Sanji—" Nami started.
"You're the one who decided to come to this island!"
"Stop it! This isn't the time!" Nami protested, though it seemed halfhearted.
"AGH! What is it?! How can I not remember—?!"
THWACK! THUD!
All of the Red-Haired Pirates gaped, while the world's greatest swordsman inspected Yoru's hilt and began plucking away the few red hairs that had stuck to it.
"Less subtlety than I prefer, but when all else fails…" Mihawk grunted.
Shanks slowly got back to his feet, his face somewhere between a grimace and a smirk. "Screw subtle, that actually worked! I remember now: Baron Omatsuri was Captain 'Red Baron' Omatsuri, captain of the Red Arrow Pirates! I met them once while I was still sailing with Captain Roger! We met them a couple of years before we reached Laugh Tale, we had a great party, we parted ways on good terms and—!" Shanks' jubilant expression promptly froze before turning ashen. "And… And they got caught in the mother of all storms… a storm so violent… it picked up their ship and flung it clean over the Red Line, back into Paradise… there… There were no survivors…"
"Well, it seems that reports—" Mihawk began.
"—Of their death was greatly exaggerated," most of the Red-Hair Pirates intoned together.
"Story of my life…" Shanks grumbled with a roll of his eyes before grinning viciously. "Well, either way, it doesn't matter! Now that we have a name, we can call Luffy and—!"
"That's what started all of this… Luffy, this is your fault."
"SANJI!" Conis shrieked in offence. The fact that she was the only one who protested was telling in the extreme.
And just like that, everything froze, pirates and Warlords alike staring at the snail in varying degrees of mute shock, the small degree of humour that they had fading away like a candle flame in the ocean.
"Whoa. Borderline mutinous behaviour from our chef," Cross purred. "Be sure to take it all in, folks. This is some prime quality drama."
"Tell me this is just a NIGHTMARE. SOMEONE, wake me up! THEY'RE ALL COMPLETELY NUTS!"
"I'm afraid…" Mihawk grimaced. "It would appear that in this case, this is an instance of what is commonly known as 'too little, too late'."
-o-
"The dinner party is over! The Ordeal of Hell will now resume!" Omatsuri's voice suddenly barked. All signs of his previous good cheer were gone, and only frigid, malicious apathy remained. "Everyone, take your positions. DJ, come forth!"
"Good evening 'pu. I'm DJ Gappa. " Pleasure to meet you, 'pu,'" came a familiar voice.
"Damn, it's this bastard again," Marco scowled grimly, his attitude mirrored by the rest of his brothers, who were listening to the SBS. "He's the one who kick-started this entire mess in the first place!"
"Don't be too hasty there, Marco," Whitebeard rumbled as he levelled a hard stare at the snail. "This hell didn't start with that young man. He might have planted the seeds of whatever's wrong with Cross, but as a whole?" The half-giant shook his head with a sigh. "I'm afraid that the Straw Hats were ensnared in whatever trap is present on that island the moment they set foot on its shores."
Marco's scowl deepened, but for the life of him, he couldn't refute his pop's words.
"Oh, hey, there's Gappa again," Cross sneered eagerly. "Looks like it's finally time for the last Ordeal, but Zoro and Sanji seem more concerned about our crewmates that wandered off. Eh, I suppose they do have a point: after all, more crewmates, more participants to enjoy the… wait a minute." Cross trailed off as he cocked an eyebrow. "Hey, Gappa, are you wearing Usopp's hat?"
The Whitebeards glanced nervously at one another as they processed the turn of events.
"How long ago did Signore Sniper leave?" Vista asked quietly.
"Ten minutes, fifteen tops," Jozu provided with a grimace.
The ramifications of that estimate were left unsaid, though they were clear to all.
"What?! Hey, that IS Usopp's hat!" Sanji barked, which was followed by the sound of something coming unstuck.
"Ah! Give it back 'pu!"
"You bastard… What did you do to Usopp?!" Zoro growled menacingly, which prompted the sound of retreating footsteps.
"D-Don't worry. Your friends are still on the island 'pu. If you want to see them, try and find them 'pu."
"Ah, so that's where everyone is. I should have suspected it," Cross stated casually, not so much as a hint of concern for his comrades present in his voice. "Well, looks like the kid gloves have finally come off, and it's time for the big beatdown. The sign for the next 'ordeal' is rising up behind the good Baron, and personally, I can't wait to see what he has planned."
"You will learn of the fate of your comrades after the next ordeal," Omatsuri stated.
"Don't give us that crap! Give them back!" Sanji ordered.
"The ordeal comes first," Omatsuri repeated.
"Is this guy serious!?" Namur grunted incredulously.
"Don't screw with us! Those guys come first!" Zoro said.
"The ordeal will come first!" Omatsuri yelled, madness and determination suddenly blazing in his voice.
Edward Newgate clenched his jaw as he processed the raw amount of emotion that had been packed into that phrase. "I think he's more serious than you can possibly imagine…"
"Well, the Baron is quite insistent about this… and it looks like Zoro and Sanji aren't going to stick around to play his game. HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS—? Ahhh, man, fewer players, fewer fun," Cross sighed dejectedly, petulant disappointment colouring his voice. "Tsk, well, that's too bad. Alright, let's see what the rules are this time…"
There was an electronic hum of neon igniting, gasps of horror from Soundbite and Conis—
"Дерьмо!"
"Oh, my God…"
—and the sound of a hundred flintlock rifles cocking in unison.
"Ah, it's a shooting game."
It was as though the Whitebeard Pirates, all New World veterans, had suddenly been dunked in ice water.
"Oh, yeah…" 12th Division Commander Haruta realized. "That Gappa guy… he… he said he was a gunner…"
"There are no rules in this ordeal," the Baron announced. There was no pomp or circumstance in his voice, or even emotion at all, for that matter. Merely grim determination. "My 100 sharpshooters will hunt you. If you believe you can escape them, you can search for your crewmates or do whatever you wish."
Jozu shook his head in disbelief. "This… This isn't an ordeal, this is a fucking execution!"
"No, this is the truth of that island when you strip away its façade," Marco grimly corrected. "Everything before was just trappings and distractions. Now… Now all that's left is its rotten core."
Everything was silent for a moment, then… "High stakes. Sounds like fun!" Cross snickered in a near-demented manner that had Soundbite whimpering.
"'E's not gonna snap out of this any time soon, is 'e?" 7th Division Commander Rakuyo sighed in resignation.
"I sincerely hope so, matters are disturbing enough already…" Vista muttered, miserably massaging his face.
"Luffy, what do we do?… Luffy?… LUFFY!" Nami screamed.
"Captain, please! Do something!" Conis pleaded. "Cross, don't just stand there! Help me!"
"Who do you think's going down first, people?" Cross rambled on, ignoring the pleas of his friends. "My bets are on the rookie. After all, she's still soft. Chopper's got a natural disadvantage, of course—"
"Cross, what is wrong with you!? Please, we need help! Why is no one listening to me!?"
"SOMEONE fucking HELP! IT'S OMATSURI ISLAND! OMATSURI ISLAND! I DON'T CARE WHO COMES AT THIS POINT, HEEEEELP!"
"You may begin!" Omatsuri called out.
The Moby Dick began to shudder as Whitebeard's hold on his temper finally cracked and his powers asserted themselves, waves rising on what had moments ago been a glass-calm sea.
"I may not be able to sink that island from here," he growled, his children inching away from him as his Haki started laying low even the strongest of their number. "But I am very tempted to try."
-o-
"I-I'm going off by myself!" Nami hissed before the sound of her running came across the speaker.
"Nami, wait! Nami, NAMI! Nononono—L-Luffy, I'm so, so sorry, but… AGH! Cross, come on, we have to run!" Conis cried frantically.
"What, and miss the beatdown? Are you out of your ditzy airhead mind?! I wouldn't miss this for the w—HEY! LET GO OF ME!"
"If I have to drag you out of here to make sure you don't get gunned down because you're too preoccupied to run, then that's what I'll do! Luffy's immune to bullets; he can take care of himself. WE ARE NOT! What kind of a show will it be if we all die?!" Conis yelled.
"Better than what we're listening to right now," Gin spat as he fingered the hilts of his tonfa, an action he'd been undertaking since Sanji's blasphemous statement. "Damn it, I was involved in some depraved undertakings while I worked with Krieg, sure, but this? This just takes the cake." He cast a sidelong look at Miss Valentine. "At a guess, I'd say this is like heaven to you?"
The ex-assassin shook her head slowly, her countenance a highly visible green. "I…I'm a sadist on the best of days, but this… I wouldn't wish this on even the worst of my enemies…" she gurgled, obviously fighting to keep her lunch down.
Mr. 5 shook his head with a scowl. "I might be somewhat heartless, but even I know that this shit isn't right…" He glanced at Bartolomeo. "Boss, what do you thi—Boss?"
'Black Bart' Bartolomeo, infamous pirate straight out of the East Blue and wanted by the Marines for a bounty just shy of 100 Million Berries, was slumped on his hands and knees and biting into the collar of his shirt in an effort to restrain his sobs. "Da-Dab id!" he managed to choke out through his tears. "Dey're geddig ribbed abart at da seabs! Dis iz dorture, pure dorture!"
Mr. 5 cocked an eyebrow before starting to turn his head. "I can't understand Jack through all that snot. Think you can translate, Api—oh, come on!" He slapped a hand to his forehead when he caught sight of the pre-adolescent and her pet dragon, who were in practically the same position. "You don't even know them personally!"
"N-No," Apis shook her head in agreement. "B-But we came r-r-really close, you know!? I-If they'd just left Loguetown a little sooner, I-I'd have probably been saved by them instead of the captain!"
Mr. 5 opened his mouth for a biting remark, but the long pause in the audio, punctuated only by the sounds of running, distant gunshots, and Soundbite's muffled whimpering, was finally broken by Cross speaking.
"I am… conflicted," he muttered, before restarting his commentary. "Hmm… alright, so we're running for our lives… possibly trying to find our crewmates in the meantime… but hey, even if it's not the beatdown, this is still good entertainment, right? And it sounds like the shooters are pretty close by now. HEY, GUYS, WE'RE OVER HERE!"
"ARE YOU CRAZY?!" Conis screamed.
"What? Are you saying it wouldn't be a good show if we got caught and you had to try fighting them off to save our lives? Action, suspense, violence, explosions… now, that's entertainment!"
"HE'S LOST IT worst than the rest of the CREW!" Soundbite finally burst out, presumably aloud. "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
"Watch it, you little jackass, or else I'll rip your fucking tongue—!"
Without warning, a meaty THWACK and a pained "GAH!" sounded out over the connection.
"Agh, my nose, what the f—! HEY! WHAT THE HELL!?"
"I'm so sorry, Cross, I'm so sorry, I'll come back for you, I swear, I swear…" Conis babbled frantically, tears obvious in her voice.
"HEY! GET BACK HERE, BITCH! THAT'S MY AUDIENCE! GIVE ME BACK MY AUDIENCE!"
"Shut up! RUN faster!"
Cross' indignant voice faded into the distance, and the next few minutes were nothing but running and ragged panting, occasionally punctuated by the sound of gunshots in the distance.
Silence reigned on the Cannibal as its crew desperately attempted to come to terms with just what the hell had just happened.
"… So." Goldenweek finally broke the silence, her stoic demeanour still somewhat in place apart from a sheen of cold sweat on her brow. "That just happened."
"…Bastard…"
"Huh?" The painter glanced at her captain in confusion.
"BASTARD!" Bartolomeo repeated, slamming his fist into the Cannibal's railing, a good chunk of which collapsed under the force of the massive barrier that had snapped up around Black Bart's fist.
The crew reeled and stared at their captain in shock.
"B-Boss…" Gin started to stammer out.
"Bad enough that he somehow turned a maverick like Cross into a raving lunatic, bad enough that he abused the bonds of one of the greatest pirate crews to sail the Blue Seas since the Roger Pirates, bad enough that he's a complete and total fucking monster on his own," Bartolomeo spat acridly before ramping himself up into a froth. "But I draw the FUCKING line at reducing the great Monkey D. Luffy to being unable to do anything AS HIS CREW FALLS APART AROUND HIM!"
"The captain's right!"/"That bastard needs to burn!"/"Come on, Straw Hat, snap out of it!"/"Get your crew back!"/"Should we set a course for Omatsuri Island?" agreed the former mafia thugs that had followed Bartolomeo into piracy.
Gin glanced around at his relatively new crewmates before allowing himself a grim smile. "Well, it looks like the crew has spoken… and I can't exactly say that I'm dissatisfied with the decision."
Mr. 5 flicked his nose with a snort. "Ditto."
"Right!" Bartolomeo pumped his fist. "We'll make that Baron wish he never tried hurting the Straw Hats! Everyone set sail for Omatsuri Island!"
Apis and Goldenweek exchanged flat looks as the rest of the Barto Club roared in agreement before Apis surreptitiously coughed into her fist. "And… which way would that be, exactly?"
The mood promptly fractured as the crew turned their heads to stare at the underage girls.
Goldenweek and Apis gave each other another pair of flat looks. "Morons, the lot of them," Apis declared.
"They'd sink in a week without us," Goldenweek declared before pointing at the snail. "May I suggest that we keep listening in hopes of getting a hint? I suspect it won't be the most enjoyable of endeavours, but it's certainly better than sailing blind in the Grand Line."
The crew glanced at one another before slowly and sheepishly sounding out their agreements.
"Good," Goldenweek nodded before settling down in front of the snail. "Now shut up and pay attention."
On the other end of the line, the Straw Hat's gunner was panting heavily as she ran for her and Soundbite's lives. "We… We have to keep going—AGH!" Conis choked out, followed by what sounded like her tripping. "Owww… Sorry, Soundbite."
"PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOUR ANKLE didn't break! I refuse to die BY STEREOTYPE!"
"Ah… no, n-no, I'm fine. It just shocked me is a—wait. Wait, this bit of ground, it feels like…" Then came the sound of metallic hinges moving. "A secret passage?!"
"I THOUGHT I was hearing echoes!"
"Where do you think it goes?"
The Transponder Snail winced as a gunshot rang out far too close for comfort. "WHO CARES!?"
"Right, sorry!"
"Hmph. I was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't have a stupidly perfect escape route show up right when they needed it most," Mr. 5 drawled.
"And you're saying that they don't deserve a Hail Mary at this moment?" Miss Valentine demanded.
"…Point."
There was the sound of Conis sliding into the hole, and the pair were almost home free, but as the hinges started to close…
BOOM! "AAAHHHHHH!"
A gunshot, followed by a familiar voice screaming.
"CROSS!" Soundbite and Conis exclaimed. There was silence for a few moments, and then the sound of something shifting.
"Wha—CONIS, what are you—?"
"He may be out of his mind, but he's still our friend and crewmate. I'm going to see if I can find him. You should be safe here, Soundbite. I'll be back."
The snail was teary-eyed, but it nodded nonetheless.
"Good. I'll—"
Her voice was abruptly stopped by a panicked rustling of claws on stonework, a panicked cry and then…
KER-CHOW! "AH!"
A bullet's report, followed by a cry of pain. But it wasn't Conis' voice. The voice of the one who was shot then came across the line again as a whimper, followed by a kicking sound and a yelp of pain.
"Su," Conis breathed numbly.
"Those hunters must have used her for target practice," Apis grit out.
A few seconds of silence as that sank in, and then…
"…Alright. That's it," Conis said, her voice lifeless.
"C-Conis—CONIS, NO! DON'T GO ANGRY, DON'T GO ANGRY!"
The sound of a bazooka cocking came across the connection.
"Everything burns."
What followed next was a screech of rusty hinges, a heavy slamming sound, a series of muffled explosions, and, amidst all of it, the sound of Soundbite sobbing uncontrollably.
"How… How could this happen? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FRIENDS?!" he wailed.
Silence reigned on the deck as the crew stared at the snail in numb shock. At least, until Miss Goldenweek slowly raised her hand.
"…I realize that this probably isn't the time," the painter started quietly. "But I'd just like to say for the record that Crocodile is probably loving the hell out of this."
-o-
"I'm surprised that you're not, as some of my more crass underlings would put it, 'loving the hell out of this', considering that the Straw Hats are the reason you're here in the first place," Magellan rumbled quizzically, his Hydras swaying high above him and perfectly poised to smite or incapacitate anyone who got too unruly, depending on their degree of importance to the World Government.
"I really don't care about that," intoned the only person in all of the Eternal Hell who had not been yelling his head off or otherwise making a racket or riot at the broadcast going on. Oddly, however, he seemed irritated. "Honestly, considering how that outrageous rookie crew has only been getting more outrageous as time goes by, I'm more inclined to hope that they win than lose."
"Oh?" Magellan glanced at him in surprise. "And why would that be?"
Crocodile scoffed as he picked up the shot glass of alcohol the warden had placed just within the bars of his cell and downed it in a single gulp, barely even grimacing as the rancid taste of vinegar hit his palate. After all, it was already leagues better than the usual food he was served. "Because so far, the brat has yet to be truly beaten. So long as Straw Hat remains undefeated, my defeat can be interpreted not as my fault, but rather due to bad luck and a bad opponent." The ex-Warlord scowled viciously. "If someone beats the brat, then that all goes away."
Magellan raised his eyebrows. "An interesting mindset… and one that I suppose that I can understand."
The warden and the prisoner ended their conversation as they received a reprieve from Soundbite's wailing, which had been continuing on for the last several minutes, in the form of another voice coming across.
"Ergh… will you… Hurry up and quit your bellyaching, slimeball? You're… giving me tinnitus…"
"I'm with the puffball on this one, Soundbite. Usually, you're a lot more badass than this. If you're this miserable, then we really must be screwed."
Soundbite hiccupped and gasped in shock. "S-SU!? LASSOO!? Y-You're alive!"
"Of—ergh!" Su's voice cut off in an agonized wince. "Of course we are… Lassoo managed to save me from those maniacs while Conis… Conis…" The cloud fox trailed off into light sobbing, prompting Lassoo to take up the slack.
"I grabbed Su and ran into a tunnel that was unearthed while Conis was breaking everything she could. I didn't see what happened to her, but…" The dog-gun cut himself off with a shake of his head. "Not important because we'll save her later. For now, how come you didn't already know that I'd saved Su?"
Soundbite sniffed as he replied. "M-MY POWERS HAVE BEEN ON THE fritz ever since we got here. MINOR AT FIRST, NEGLIGIBLE given my range, BUT NOW… NOW I'M AS DEAF AS A MOLE."
"Watch it."
"IS NOW EVEN REMOTELY THE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT!?"
Lassoo winced and shook his head with a grimace. "You of all animals should understand using snark as a coping mechanism."
"I-I-I-I…Y-Yeah. A-Anyway… WHAT DO WE DO NOW? I MIGHT BE BLIND, BUT I CAN TELL THAT EVERYONE'S… everyone's gone…"
"…tseheheh…" Su chuckled weakly. "It's… a good thing you're not Cross, slimestain…"
"WHAT!?"
"No, she's right," Lassoo huffed. "Because you're not Cross, that statement of yours wasn't a guaranteed truth. Now, come on." There was a slight scuffle of movement. "Let's get moving."
"Wait! Don't forget the transceiver!"
"I think we have… more important things to worry about… than your damn show, Soundbite…"
"YEAH! LIKE MAKING SURE NO ONE COMES TO THIS HELLHOLE without as many details as possible!"
The mammals were silent for a moment before Lassoo sighed in defeat. "I thought I told you it was a good thing you're not always right…" he muttered before there was another scuffle. "Now, let's get going."
The three talking animals walked on in silence for the next minute or so, making their way through what sounded like a veritable labyrinth of tunnels and caverns. Soon enough, however, the largest of the trio paused and sniffed at the air. "Wait a second…"
"Don't tell me…" Su winced. "The baron's goons?"
"No, they smell like… well, you know. No, this person smells like toothpaste and mustache gel."
"I am so glad I'm not a Zoan," Magellan muttered.
"I'll drink to that," Crocodile agreed as he held his shot glass up and shook it slightly.
"Yeah, yeah, I get the message…"
"Eh? Did I just hear somethi—WAH!" an older man's voice suddenly yelped in shock.
"Who are you and why should I not turn you into fucking brisket?" Lassoo snarled viciously
"Eh—? W-Wait, WAIT, LASSOO, WAIT, I RECOGNIZE HIM!" Soundbite hastily spoke up. "HE… He's the OLD MAN FROM BEFORE! TH-THE ONE WHO GOT ALL HOPEFUL AFTER WE won the GOLDFISH contest!"
"Wha—? How could you—no, never mind," the old man promptly pivoted. "The explanation is 'Devil Fruit', that's all I need to know."
"Someone who's actually smart enough to realize that, go figure," Crocodile deadpanned.
"Hmph. Well, whatever and whoever you all are, I'm glad to see you somehow managed to escape the massacre. Here, why don't you come with me? I saved your captain from the Baron; I'll take you to him."
"LUFFY'S SAFE?!" all three of the animals roared.
"I… actually didn't catch his name, but if you mean the stubborn boy in the straw hat, then yes, that's him. It was a close thing, but he somehow managed to escape the Baron's onslaught, so I snuck him into my base of operations. Follow me, it's this way."
"I wonder how he survived long enough to build a base of operations," Crocodile mused. "A feat like that is as impressive as there being a secret base in a place like this—ERK!" The ex-Warlord's muscles suddenly locked up and were set ablaze without warning.
Magellan scowled at the prisoner as he rolled another minute blob of venom between his fingers. "Watch your tongue, inmate, lest my next shot rot it out of you."
"Grgrggghhh…" Crocodile snarled out murderously.
-o-
Sengoku would never admit it, but seeing the state Garp was in when he barged into the office again, his students and Akainu behind him, made him wish that he was putting on his usual show of laughing at the SBS. Or, at least, that the SBS was putting on its normal laughter-provoking performance instead of the horror show that was currently being shown the world over.
"Call an assembly, Sengoku," Garp growled out without so much as a hint of preamble.
"What did you find out, Garp?" Sengoku asked, though given Garp's seriousness, the question was probably just a formality.
"Luffy!"/"Captain!"/"Luffy!"
Before Garp could speak, he was interrupted by a trio of voices crying out, as well as a single pained and tired one groaning as its owner came to again.
"What the—Soundbite?! Su, Lassoo, you guys are safe too! That's great! Ah, wait, where am I? Where are we? And where's everyone else!?"
"Welcome to my secret base!" came the old man's jovial voice. "It's been so long since I had guests. Do you like goat's milk?"
A goat was heard bleating on the other end of the broadcast, to which Gruffy raised his head and bleated as well.
"Goats," Akainu muttered. "Why does it have to be goats…"
"It's a perfectly sensible choice for a pet," Sengoku retorted.
"I beg to diff—!"
"That's a point I'm entirely willing to defend, Sakazuki." The last words were said with a flash of golden aura.
"… Withdrawn," Sakazuki ultimately whispered, which managed to elicit a slight smirk from Garp, even in spite of the situation.
"Hey, slimeball, you're not going to bother translating?"
"My head's ringing from KEEPING YOU TWO comprehensible. I'M NOT GONNA RALPH FOR THE SAKE of a total stranger!"
"Guys, what's going on? Who is this guy?"
"Oh, I'm sorry that I didn't introduce myself. My name is Brief, Captain of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates."
The entire room gave the snail a flat look.
"And I thought that the Alvida Pirates had a stupid name…" Coby muttered.
Akainu snapped a glare at the Petty Officer as he amped up the temperature in the room. "And you aren't down in the Archives digging up anything we have on him and his crew… why, exactly?"
The space Coby was occupying promptly vacated itself.
"That's what I thought."
"I'm actually in the middle of recruiting right now, but your captain turned down my invitation to join me. Maybe you feel differently?"
"Why are we UNDERGROUND?" Soundbite asked, ignoring the question entirely.
"Come on, at least acknowledge the request!" Brief protested weakly before sighing in defeat. "Ergh, never mind… anyways, to answer your question, we're underground because it's the only place safe from those lunatics up above. I've dug trapdoors and tunnels all over the island so that I can escape from the Baron's vile clutches whenever I need to. I'm impressed that you found one."
"Actually, we didn't so much find it as ONE OF OUR CREWMATES TRIPPED OVER IT."
There was a brief silence, followed by an exasperated chuckle. "Well, your crew certainly isn't short on dumb luck."
"No, no, we're not," Lassoo deadpanned. "And going back a bit, from what you said about the Baron's clutches, I'm guessing you have experience with the bastard. Care to share?"
There was another pause, this one much tenser, and then Brief's sigh came from the other end, followed by footsteps.
"This is my crew," Brief said, presumably holding out a picture.
"BACK!" Coby gasped as he used shave to get back into the room, panting heavily as he held up a folder for his superiors to see. "Toothbrush Mustache Pirates, captain-only bounty of ฿35 million, got it for basically wandering into a restricted nature preserve and causing a commotion when he tried to collect samples from the local wildlife. They were an exploration-only crew about a decade ago. Their membership numbered upwards of three dozen!"
"That's almost twice as big as Straw Hat's crew," Helmeppo noted.
"They all have the same snot under their noses," Luffy remarked.
"…They also had a very distinctive look," Coby finished lamely.
"IT'S A TOOTHBRUSH MUSTACHE!" Brief snapped.
"So, the Hitler-stache BELONGS TO a good guy," Soundbite muttered.
"What was that, snail?" Brief asked irritably.
"I SAID, where are they?" the snail asked without missing a beat.
"…I'm alone now," Brief sighed, as much to himself as Soundbite (and by extension, the world). "I'm currently the only member of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates still alive."
An uncomfortable silence fell before Brief spoke again.
"I still remember it clearly. The day the Baron attacked my precious crew. The day my friends were swallowed by that gigantic monster—"
"MONSTER?!" chorused the three animals.
"Didn't I warn you that the Baron destroys crews?"
"He's going to kill them?!" Luffy roared.
"The first step is already done; the Baron and his crew are well-practiced in sowing discord and hate among even the closest friends. I can only imagine that he works his mysterious powers into it."
"Of course they're under a spell," Garp growled as he kneaded his forehead. "Why wouldn't my idiot grandson's crew be under a damn spell!?" He promptly snapped a finger and glared at his now-frozen apprentices. "Not a word outside this office or I'll put you on shit duty until you earn your coats, and even then."
Coby and Helmeppo promptly snapped into shaky salutes. "Y-Y-YES, VICE ADMIRAL, SIR!"
Sengoku's lip twitched slightly at the display.
"The Baron told me something. He said, 'When I see a crew of friends like yours, anger fills my chest. I want to separate you. I want you to experience the same kind of pain I have.'"
"The same pain?" Luffy repeated.
"I don't know what his true intentions are, but—"
"B-B-BRIEF? Wh-what KIND OF monster ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
"…All this time, and finally someone actually asks? Well, if you choose to fight, you should know this… but it's quite the disturbing situation."
"TELL US!"
The Fleet Admiral stared at the snail for a second longer before schooling his expression into a thoroughly disapproving scowl. "Aside from your familial ties and the… rather disturbing goings-on being broadcast, Garp, what exactly makes you think that this is worth calling an assemblage over?"
Garp scowled back as he slammed the archive records he had in his hand onto the poor, abused desk. "Baron Omatsuri. Captain of the Red Arrow Pirates, a crew that was last heard from twenty-four years ago. They were a New-World grade crew who rubbed shoulders with the likes of Whitebeard and Roger back in the day, though I doubt that mustached bastard actually remembers him."
Sengoku eyed the pile curiously before glancing at Garp. "It seems like you had a hard time recalling him as well."
Garp snatched up a paper and shoved it in his superior's face. "That's because they were thought to be dead after a Category 10 hypercane threw them and their ship over the Red Line! Nobody should have been able to survive something like that!"
"Well, clearly they did!" Sengoku scoffed.
Garp's eyes narrowed menacingly. "See, that's the thing. I ran into them once back in the day, got a look at their crew. And considering how long it's been since that day…" Garp's scowl deepened. "I actually don't think that anyone survived but Omatsuri."
The strange statement brought Sengoku up short. "What are you—?"
"The Lily Carnation is a man-eating plant; the Baron calls it 'the flower of death and rebirth'."
All sound in the office absolutely died at Brief's words.
Brief continued in a lifeless tone. "It resembles a stem more than anything else, an enormous construct bigger than a warship at the top of the island, and it's there that the Baron gathers the pirates he and his crew hunt down. It… It uses tendrils… to absorb them into the stem, and… and…" The pirate… the ex-pirate choked off into sobs.
There was a brief moment of silence before Su suddenly choked in horror. "Oh… Oh, God, no…" She glanced down, presumably at Lassoo. "Y-You don't think that—?"
"I have seen messed up shit, I have smelled messed up shit, and I have done messed up shit…" Lassoo breathed before shaking his head. "Never anything like this. Not on this scale."
"Eh?" Luffy looked around at his non-human crewmates in confusion. "What are you guys talking about?"
"N-N-Now I get it," Soundbite breathed softly, apparently not having heard Luffy. "Something about ALL OF THOSE SPROUT HEADS felt OFF. LIKE they were THERE but not there."
"What?" asked Brief and Luffy.
"The pain he felt… THE FLOWER OF DEATH AND REBIRTH… AND MUCHIGORO'S SHRIVELING!" The snail's expression slowly twisted in horror. "Fake… It's all FAKE! T-THIS ISLAND, ITS INHABITANTS, THEY'RE ILLUSIONS THE BARON IS USING TO STAVE OFF REALITY! PLANTS made to look like PEOPLE! AND OTHER PIRATES ARE THE FUEL THAT KEEPS IT GOING!"
The silence in Sengoku's office following that particular revelation was absolutely stunning.
"Permission to faint on the spot, sir?" Coby whispered with a slight gurgle to his voice.
"Ditto…" Helmeppo nodded slightly in agreement.
"Granted," Akainu grunted.
The East Bluers neither hesitated nor waited to comply.
Garp slowly tore his gaze away from the snail to stare at his superior officer. "Well?" he asked frigidly.
Sengoku met his gaze for a minute before looking up at Akainu. "Send word to Kizaru and Aokiji that they are to meet with us in Conference Room B3." He stood up and started marching towards his office door.
"We're going to need as many Golden Transponder Snails as we can get our hands on."