"SOUNDBITE, WILL YOU CUT IT OUT WITH THE ORCHESTRA?!" I snapped as I clung to the side of the vessel for dear life, on account of Joey speeding along the canals of Water 7 way faster than what was probably legal. The reason for my ire was that Soundbite had decided on a very upbeat brass and string instrumental for chase music.
"NO WAY! THOSE OUTFITS—WAGH!—MAKE IT PERFECT!" the snail snapped back, clinging onto my jacket with all the strength his jaws could muster as a bullet grazed his shell.
"Yeah, well, word to the—WISE!" I held up one of my gauntlets to block another bullet. "—The Blues Brothers never went on the offensive! And besides that, I seriously doubt that these bastards have even heard of them!" I gripped before blinking as a thought hit me. "Actually, on that note, why are they dressed like—THAT?"
"Looks ta' me like they're impersonatin' Worl' Gummint' officials!" Joey offered, turning his head to look over his shoulder, showing no visible worry at seeing me fending off bullets or any problems navigating the canals. "People do it all the TIME!" He took a sharp left that resulted in the Unluckies momentarily heading the wrong way. "—when trying to kill one another, keeps bystanders from interferin'!"
"Seriously?" Soundbite asked in confusion. "HOW THE HECK does that work!?"
"Sheer reputation," Lassoo growled as he glared daggers at the pursuing animals. "In any other clothing, someone would try to help us, or at least stop the gun-toting maniacs, but so long as they're wearing suits—" He paused long enough to spit a Cani-Slick in the water and another Cani-Blast at the sky, neither of which helped with how fast the damn pests were moving. "—nobody even blinks twice! It's a common assassin's tactic. After all, who in their right mind would be stupid enough to interfere with World Government business?" He filled his jaws with the tar of Cani-Plaster before firing out a ball of the stuff along with a blaze of Cani-Palm, sending a very potent fireball at 13. That done, he huffed and turned around with a roll of his eyes. "Excluding the present company, of course."
"Yeah, well—gnn!" I cut myself off with a bit-out grunt as I ducked under a bullet that had come way too close to giving me a third eye. Behind me, 13 shot out of the water and flipped through the air over Lassoo's fireball before pulling off an Olympic-level swan dive back into the canal.
It was at that point that my temper flared a bit, and I slowly climbed to my feet, precariously balancing myself in the shaky vessel. "Alright, that's it. I hate a lot of things in life, but right now, there are three in particular that I really despise." I took a shaky step towards the back of the boat. "I hate the World Government." I shot my other foot up so that it was firmly planted on the rear wall of the vessel. "I hate Illinois Nazis, and most of all?"
I snapped my hand to the side with my grip open, a grip that Lassoo promptly filled by leaping up and swapping to his gun-form. I balanced the dog-gun on my shoulder and took aim, although the suitcase of cash hanging off my wrist put me a bit off-balance. "I fucking hate furry jackass bastards who can't get a fucking CLUE! CANI-CANNON BARRAGE!"
The shaky nature of my footing very nearly resulted in me being knocked clean on my ass by Lassoo's recoil as he belted out a full salvo of his signature projectiles, but I powered through it and attempted to direct the projectiles so that they would take out at least one of our pursuers.
Sadly, however, our efforts were rendered all for naught when 13 suddenly blasted out of the water, got his footing on a windowsill, and then leapt up to grab Friday's talons. The buzzard, in turn, flared her wings out so as to both kill her speed and climb high into the air, falling out of range of the explosions in a matter of moments.
I clicked my tongue in annoyance as I watched them fall back. "Well, that's inconvenient."
Lassoo snorted derisively as he shifted back into his hybrid mode on my shoulder. "Those two might be creeps, but they were high in the Baroque Works food chain for a damn good reason."
"Yeh, well, they're gone now!" Joey shrugged as he slowed his pace and turned out into a larger, more crowded mainstream canal. A few of the civilians milling about recoiled fearfully and gave me a wide berth at the sight of the cannon I was toting, but other than that, everyone acted as though it were business as usual. "So, youse ready to head back toward Franky House then?"
I started to reply before pausing as a thought struck me. "Actually… yeah, now that I think about it, Franky should be able to handle them, heading to the House would probably be for the best…" I grimaced as I started scanning the skies. "But don't think for a second that these bastards are done yet. A few measly explosions aren't going to drive them off."
Joey snickered as he swerved through the canal's traffic, up one of the river-ramps and onto the rooftop routes. "Yeh, well, even if they do come back, it won't matter much. After all, in case you didn' notice, Water 7's half pirate town! Sure, sure, the Galley-La boys help keep the peace, and so do the Franky Family, to an extent, but there'll always be that underbelly! We yagaras're considah'd rookies until we get inta at least one high-speed chase! We're pretty jaded when it comes tah violence."
SMASH! SPA-LASH!
Friday chose that time to suddenly dive-bomb us, dropping Mr. 13 onto a passing Yagara in the process.
With a ridiculously minimal amount of effort, Mr. 13 dislodged the Bull's former passengers into the water and then snapped a pistol—a revolver, to be specific—to the back of the Yagara's head. He then proceeded to jab the other revolver he was clutching towards us, leaving no doubts as to his intentions.
"Huh. I was wonderin' when we'd see da month's first gunpoint jacking. Poor Flippah, dat's no way tah lose a bettin' pool," Joey remarked in a casual, if slightly strained voice.
"Joey," I grit out uncomfortably.
"Eh, don' worry aboud it," Joey said dismissively. "Flippah's an old vet at these kinda stunts, that rats in foah a nasty surprise."
As if on cue, the Yagara in question spun his body on an axis, dunking 13 and his saddle in the water in one swift move.
Sadly, however, 13 wasn't affected in the least.
THWACK!
Worse yet, going by the way the otter had pistol-whipped his hostage mount, all it had done was severely piss him off.
I swallowed heavily as the captive Yagara Bull started closing the distance between us. I really hated it when this damn bastard demonstrated that he was actually smart; now I couldn't try blasting him with Lassoo unless I wanted to risk harming the Yagara as well, not to mention the rest of the civilians around us. "Still think that this is your average Wednesday afternoon?"
Joey grit his teeth as he put on speed and started accelerating down the skyway. "What I think is dat I'm pissed off 'cause one of my friends has got a frickin' psycho-assassin stickin' to his back like glue!" He glanced backwards, his mouth a grim line, as the other Yagara started to catch up with us. "And I'm also a bit nervous because Flippah's as fast in the water as I am! Hope you're ready for a scrape!"
I groaned miserably as I shifted Lassoo so that he was hanging on my back and flexed my fingers in readiness. "And me without my freaking baton…" I groused miserably.
All too soon, Flippah drew up alongside us, at which point he swerved to the right and slammed his flank into my ride. "Sorry, Joey!" he apologized through grit teeth. "But you know how it is: when your life's on the line!"
"Do what ya gotta do, I know, I know," Joey nodded with a sidelong glare. "And I only got one thing ta say in response!" Joey swerved out and promptly rammed right back into Flippah, butting heads with the opposing Yagara. "Right back atcha, bub!"
While the two Bulls shoved against one another, I was treated to the sight of 13 leering viciously as he cocked back the hammer on his second gun, aiming it straight at my center mass.
I didn't have time to think, time to even react properly, all I could do was snap my arm up in an instinctive act of defence…
BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG!
And then blinked in surprise as the unloading of the gun's entire cylinder did absolutely nothing. The sentiment was one that Mr. 13 mirrored perfectly, even going so far as to intently examine his gun.
For my part, I looked down at my torso in an attempt to find out what the hell had happened, and in the process, I inadvertently got my answer.
Once I had it, though, I grinned savagely as I jerked my arm up and caught the handle of the very heavy, very bulletproof briefcase that was chained to me. "Isn't it amazing what kind of protection ฿100 Million can buy?" I taunted as I fell into a ready stance.
13 swiftly recovered, scowling viciously as he snapped his gun back into his jacket and whipped out a trio of knives that he held between his paw's fingers like metal claws.
I grimaced as I held up the briefcase. "Nami's gonna kill me…" I muttered.
And with that, we were at it. Mr. 13 swung his knives at me, I blocked with the briefcase—and just as I was winding up to swing back, Joey and Flippah promptly swerved away from each other.
"Ah, hey, what are you—!" I began before another Yagara bull shot past us. "Ah, right, live traffic. Carry on!"
"Same 'ta you!" Flippah and Joey snarled as they slammed back into one another, clearly getting into it.
It was weird seeing the two Yagara Bulls fighting. They were holding back some; after all, I knew they could bite, and they sure weren't doing that. Instead, they were slamming their muscular necks against each other. It was bizarre, and also rather dangerous, seeing as both Mr. 13 and I spent half our time avoiding getting brained by their flailing heads.
The other half? Mr. 13 was failing to get past the briefcase as I blocked him, and I was trying and failing to hit him as he ducked and squirmed around my blows like a greased lamprey while keeping his gun trained on Flippah, all the while. It was really quite frustrating, especially since Joey screwed up my swing more than once, and the damn otter was only barely handicapped as he tried to keep up with Flippah.
The two bulls only split apart again to avoid an oncoming Yagara bus—yes, that's apparently a thing, I shouldn't be surprised—and when they came towards each other, they were on a clear collision course, their heads reared back to strike. This was it. No janking, no shakes, no chance for our mounts to screw up our aim. Hell, the charge even helped us by adding momentum.
The two bulls sped closer and closer as Mr. 13 tensed his legs, and I wound up a swing. Finally, they were less than six feet from each other, and I began my swing even as Joey and Flippah swung their necks and the otter leapt towards me—and was promptly batted out of the sky, following which he bounced off of the skyway's railing and fell out of sight.
All of us promptly stilled as we blinked after him in surprise.
"That was easy," Soundbite summarized in a casual tone.
"A bit anti-climactic, if you ask me," Flippah shrugged, almost in disappointment.
"Oh, don't worry, we're not done yet," Lassoo provided from where he was hanging on my back.
"Yeh?" Joey looked back at us in confusion. "How come?"
"Second verse, only slightly flipped from the first." Lassoo angled a flat look over my shoulder at the Bull. "Where's Miss Friday?"
Both my eyes and Soundbite's shot wide in shock as we slowly exchanged terrified looks. "Uh…" we hedged uncomfortably.
We received an answer in the form of a mechanical whirring noise above us. One look was enough to confirm that not only had Friday caught up with us again, but she was toting a—
I blinked as I processed just what she was holding. "Is… Is that a hand-crank operated rotary gun?"
"Guess she musta found a weapon smuggler's stash," Joey provided weakly. "Go figure, huh?"
I swallowed heavily as I slowly brought my arm around my back to grip Lassoo. "Any chance that I can shoot her down before she gets it up to speed?"
Friday grinned malevolently as she shifted one of her talons so that it was pressing a trigger on the weapon's handle, her other leg still spinning the crank as fast as it would go.
"Guess not!" Soundbite yelped.
"MOVE!" I yelled, acting on instinct and leaping out of Joey's saddle and over the edge of the skyway—
RATATATATATAT!
—just as Friday opened fire and started peppering the space I'd occupied moments before with lead.
For the briefest of moments, I soared with the grace of a majestic eagle.
SMASH!
Then I smashed through something with all the grace of Luffy.
I took a second to get my head on straight, but once I did, I was able to realize that I was sitting on what had once been a very beautiful pile of rugs in what had once been a very well-organized market stall.
I also realized that a double-barreled shotgun was being stuck in my face, courtesy of the noticeably peeved owner of said stall.
Maintaining my calm, I dug my briefcase out of the wreckage of the stall's roof, clicked it open and removed a wad of berries, which I held out to the owner. "For your troubles."
The shotgun promptly vanished as the man beamed and accepted the cash. "Thank you very much for your patronage, sir. Would you like the rugs delivered to your ship?"
"Oh, absolutely," I nodded with a grin. "But, ah, at a later date, right now we're in the process of swapping ships, and I have an assassin to deal with, so if you'll please excuse me!" And with that cheerfully polite remark, I shot out of the stall like a bat out of hell and took stock of my surroundings.
And a corner of my mind promptly began cursing the Unluckies for not giving me more of a chance to stare in awe at the marketplace I found myself in. Food stalls here, (well-armoured) porcelain stalls there, a little bit of everything everywhere else, and it was all packed with people.
Though thankfully, it wasn't so packed that I wasn't able to react when Soundbite suddenly sucked in a breath.
"Move!"
I obeyed him and jerked to the side, ducking into a stall just as a fast and long shadow tore through across the street.
I panted for a second as I got my breath back before pausing as a thought occurred to me. I then snapped my fingers in front of Soundbite and pointed at the skyway above us before speaking. "Joey, you alright?"
I sighed in relief when the Brooklyn accent sounded out. "Yeh, don't worry, Flippah and I got out alright. We dove when that bee-yotch opened fiyah. But you bettah believe that we ah pissed! Look, kid, you're in da Huron Bazaar, right?"
"Ah…" I glanced at Soundbite for confirmation, and he nodded. "Yeah, why?"
"Good! Look, it's a big and confusin' place, but if you can find your way to da water, den I can arrange some transportation for ya to da Franky House!"
I blinked in surprise before grinning gratefully. "Really? That's great! Where do you want me to head for?"
"Don' worry aboud findin' us, just get to the water and we'll find you!"
Now that really surprised me. "Seriously? You sure?"
"Absolutely!" Joey proclaimed confidently. "After all, you made a friend of the Union, and the Union don't forget its friends no matter what, capiche?"
"Ah, what do you—?"
"INCOMING!"
I barely had enough time to spin around and snap up my gauntlet as Mr. 13 burst through one of the walls of the stall I was in, his blade halting as it stabbed into my armoured glove.
"Impact, jackass!" I snarled as I flexed my knuckles.
THWACK!
The sound of 13's nose crunching as he was blown back the way he'd come was immensely satisfying.
Sadly, as enjoyable as that sound was, the whirring sound that echoed above me made it evident that I'd overstayed my welcome. Honestly, the bullets that tore after me as I ran like hell only served to add insult to injury, though thankfully, the bazaar-goers had already started running when Friday had come into firing range.
My little run was not fun, on account of how I had a multitude of obstacles to maneuver around: stalls selling various wares that were rarely left intact when I passed them, individuals who were either brave or stupid enough to still be out and about shopping in spite of the clear hell that was following me, and more than a few carts being used to transport goods, either left abandoned in the middle of their owners' panic…
I groaned as I caught sight of the mass of logs and vegetables rolling across my path.
Or, of course, their owners could still be moving them. Damn the Grand Line's skewing of survival instincts!
Acting on instinct, I pumped my legs and leapt onto the table of a nearby stall, from which I managed to spring onto the wood of the cart, and from there clear over the cart itself.
I landed in a roll and came up crouching and facing Friday with Lassoo drawn on my shoulder, aimed right at her weapon. "Cani-Plaster!" I barked.
A ball of tar shot out of Lassoo's metallic maw at cannonball-like speeds and splattered against the buzzard's oversized weapon, sending a cascade of viscous liquid splattering both within the weapon itself and over Friday as well.
The avian assassin hacked and spat as she flapped her wings in a panic, and in the midst of her panic, she just so happened to press the trigger of said weapon. The trigger activated the rotary gun's trigger mechanism, obviously…
BOOM! "SQUAWK!"
Which in turn ignited the tar and caused both Friday and her weapon to go down in a nice and glorious fireball, even going so far as to land on the cart I'd managed to leap over.
However, as loud as the explosion was, it wasn't loud enough to overshadow what came next.
"MY CABBAGES!"
My eye twitched furiously as I put Lassoo back on my back. "Please tell me that was you, Soundbite…" I groaned.
"What a glorious world we LIVE IN!" Soundbite sang gleefully. "By the way, ON YOUR THREE."
I promptly spun on my heel and lashed my arm out, smashing Mr. 13 dead-on with my briefcase and sending him careening into a nearby stall.
"HA!" I jumped and pumped my fist victoriously. "HOME RUN, JACKASS! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?"
"A lot, I'd imagine."
"Eh?" I blinked over my shoulder at Lassoo.
"That was a weapons vendor," he explained flatly.
"EH?"
13 chose that moment to leap back into sight, sporting both a shotgun that was larger than he was and a truly vicious grin.
I ground my teeth as I glared bloody murder at the aquatic rat. "I will eat you, you little—!"
BANG!
"GAH!" I yelped, hastily leaping behind the counter of the stall nearest me. Thankfully, the counter itself was made of metal, so the next blast of buckshot ricocheted rather than perforating me.
I panted and shifted around as I tried to get my breath back, and I jumped when my shoulder knocked into a bottle behind me in the process. "What the—? What is this place?"
"EH…" Soundbite's eyes swivelled for a moment as he took in our surroundings. "Looks like a stir-fry STATION!"
A quick glance around confirmed his assumption: ingredients, dishes, cooking utensils, even a grill with a—!
The THUNK! of 13 leaping onto the counter above me prompted me to shoot to my feet. I jerked my arm up—!
KLANG! SPLASH!
"WAAAAAAGH!"
And promptly revelled in 13's tortured scream as I splashed a wok-full of sizzling grease on him. Still, knowing just how much sheer punishment these bastards could take, I wasn't even close to willing to let things lie there. As such, I snapped a bright red bottle of something out from under the counter and shoved its nozzle in his jaws.
I grinned devilishly as his flailing became as much panicked as it was pained. "Icy revenge is nice, but know that some like it spicy, shitstain!" And with that, I throttled the bottle, flooded his mouth with the stuff—!
"WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
And promptly ducked under the tongue of flame that he all but vomited before running off in a blind panic.
I patted down a scant few embers that had ignited on my cap before grinning as I spun the bottle in my hand. "I guess that it's true what they say! If you can't take the heat—!"
C-CLICK!
I was cut off by the sound of a gun cocking behind me, prompting my spine to snap ramrod straight in terror.
"I'll have what he's having," Friday rasped.
I gulped audibly, steeling my nerves before scowling over my shoulder. "All you had to do was ask!" And with that, I spun around and sprayed a bottle at the buzzard's beak.
Friday opened her beak and accepted the stream of condiments with an eager grin… for all of three seconds before doubling over and retching in disgust. "W-What the—!?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting the sriracha like your little buddy?" I leered as I dangled the beige bottle I was holding before her eyes. "Yeah, we just ran out, so I settled for using horseradish instead. I didn't offend your delicate, capsaicin-proof palate, did I?"
Friday huffed and wheezed as she raised her head and glared bloody murder at me through her tears. "I-I'm going to—!"
"Enjoy your main course? Coming right UP!" I snarled out the last word as I whipped out a spare wok and rammed it over her skull. "And of course, let's not forget dessert!" I rammed Soundbite onto the metal of the pan. "Snail fondue."
"I'm all about DAT BASS!"
"GWAGH!" Friday reeled and stumbled away in agony on account of the pain in her skull vibrating like a bell.
Satisfied with the state of disarray the pair of assassins were in, I booked it right out of the marketplace as fast as I possibly could and beelined for the closest waterway I could find. I'd just managed to run up onto a bridge—
"DUCK!"
When I was forced to fling myself to the ground in order to avoid yet another talons-first buzz from Friday, albeit a very shaky one.
"Don't these guys ever give up?" I growled as I shot to my feet and broke into a sprint, eyeing Miss Friday as she looped around for another pass.
"Apparently no—PINEAPPLE!"
"What? Pineapple? What do you—gah!?" I choked off in horror as I caught sight of the thing flying at my head.
Y'know those cartoon bombs? Black metal sphere with a burning fuse at the top? Yeah, I had a split second to blink at one sailing through the air, courtesy of a sunglasses-clad otter, before reacting. And the worst part? He threw it at me from further down the bridge. How the hell he'd managed to get in front of me without my noticing, I had no idea.
"Ugh, this is a terrible idea…" I groaned before throwing myself off the bridge and onto a tied-up gondola floating in the canal. The bomb went off with a loud bang, shattering the bridge and sending chunks of stone into the canal, though thankfully none actually hit me. However, I had no time to celebrate as Friday swooped in for another pass, this time only missing Soundbite and my shoulder by a matter of inches as I jerked to the side.
"If you stand still, you'll be shredded!" Soundbite yelped. "DUCK! WEAVE! RUN!"
"Yeah, slight problem with that," I muttered as I glanced at the sidewalk, where Mr. 13 was waiting and grinning as he tossed another bomb up and down. "And where the hell did he pull that thing from, anyway?! He's only wearing a damn suit!"
"Crocodile didn't only hire those two pests because they have skulls of wrought iron," Lassoo growled. "And also, if the normal way out is closed, then I suggest taking another route."
One glance ahead confirmed that the dog-hybrid had the right idea. Thankfully, we'd landed in the middle of a boat storage area, where there were enough tied-up hulls stretching down the waterway to form a makeshift artificial bridge.
I gritted my teeth and cracked my neck back and forth uncomfortably. Jumping for my life while wearing armour and toting both a small cannon and a little under a hundred million beris in cash. Fun.
The flash of a shadow swooping over me again prompted me to finally move, and I hopped over to the next boat down as the vulture sped through where I'd been moments earlier. The process was repeated for three more boats before I saw another bomb fly over my head.
"What's he—?" I started to mutter before being cut off by the bomb exploding—right under the next boat. Which was now sinking by the stern.
Letting out a frustrated groan, a quick glance around confirmed that 13 was still following me on the shore and that Friday was still flying overhead.
"Damn, furry bastards!" I snarled as I jumped onto the yet-visible prow of the sinking boat, which, naturally, only made it sink faster. I needed to move fast to the next boat, and my panic wasn't helping. Nor was Friday actually clipping my shoulder as I barely dodged in time.
Still, shaky though my landing was, I managed to make it to the next boat, and for whatever reason, the Unluckies weren't doing anything, so I had room to breathe for a bit. Which, in turn, allowed me to notice that 13 was hanging back on the dock with a shit-eating grin on his face.
"Well, that's not a good sign…" I muttered to myself as I tried to puzzle out what their tactic was.
"Uh, Cross?" Soundbite asked, a hint of fear in his voice.
"Not now, Soundbite," I replied as I waved my hand dismissively, my thoughts occupied with more pressing matters. What was that otter up to?
"Cross, seriously."
"Soundbite, unless we're headed straight for a waterfall or something—"
"WE ARE!" Lassoo howled fearfully.
I blinked, then stiffened as I noticed that yes, the scenery around us was moving, and yes, that was because the boat we were on was moving too. Dreading what I would see, I glanced behind us. My eyes widened as I realized that the mooring post the boat had been connected to had a combat knife buried in it, that the mooring line was cleanly severed and that we were slowly drifting towards an abrupt drop IN THE FUCKING CANAL, SHIT!
"Fucking bastards!" I barked, frantically looking around for some way to avert this. "Damn it, damn it, damn it, is there an anchor? An oar? Anything?!"
"Just me."
And with that, Miss Friday's beak jabbed me in the small of my back and pushed us forward and off the edge.
Amidst the stream of cursing coming from my mouth and the vulture recipes that Soundbite was belting out, I braced myself for a very wet landing…
CRASH! "…eep," I squeaked in pain when I instead smashed into something very hard in a… shall we say, compromising position.
"Hey, youse boys alive back there?" the Yagara Bull I'd somehow landed on asked in concern.
"…lemme get back to you on that," I squeaked from my impromptu splits on the seat-back of said Yagara's saddle, the middle rammed between my legs until I tipped to the side and collapsed. "Soundbite? Do me a favour and take note of this: I need to ask Usopp to build a cup for me the instant we see him again."
"And I should give up this COMEDY, WHY?" Soundbite cackled.
I snarled viciously as I started to right myself. "Because otherwise, I'll dunk you in saltwater every time this happens from now on!"
I took an immense amount of satisfaction in Soundbite's terrified expression. "YOU WOULDN'T!" he cried.
"Try me; I'm sure you-know-who would love a two-for-one," I bit out before finally managing to focus all of my attention on the Yagara whose back I was on. "Does that answer your question?" I asked dryly, before blinking in surprise as I realized that holy crap, I'd landed on a Yagara Bull. "And, ah, who are you?"
"Eheh, sorry 'bout da rough landin', bub," the Yagara winced with a sympathetic snicker. "And anyways, names ain't important! Just know dat I'm wid da Union! Now hang on tight!" He looked up with a grimace as Friday wheeled around overhead. "Dese bozos ain't gonna letcha go just yet, so gettin' ya ta where ya need ta go is gonna be tricky!"
"Yeah, well—!" The flash of a shadow over me prompted me to look up. I bit out a curse and rammed my fist onto the side of the saddle as 13 dove towards us. "SCREW GENTLE, GO ROUGH, MOVE MOVE MOVE!"
"YOUSE GOT IT!" the Bull roared as he went from zero to sixty in no time at all, tearing down the canal in a blur of foam with 13 somehow managing to stay right on our tail.
"Are you really no faster than a freaking otter?" I grit out. In any other situation, I'd try to be kinder, but right now, 13 was just starting to tick me off.
"Normal ottahs, easily. Dat guy ain't normal…" He glanced over his shoulder with a grimace. "But he suah as heck ain't local eithah, so it all evens out. Fah now, let's see him keep up in da boondock labyrinth!"
So saying, the Yagara turned a corner towards a wide branching series of water-paths. He kept taking forks in the road, as fast as he could manage it, and each time resulted in Mr. 13 taking just a little longer to keep up. After a few minutes, 13 fell out of sight, and the Yagara abruptly turned in an entirely different direction and stopped at a low-level sidewalk.
"Head across da plaza, hang a right, and don't stop until ya hit da end of da' block!" the Yagara ordered.
"Eh?!" I blinked in confusion. "But this isn't where we're headed!"
The Yagara made to answer, then flinched as the sound of splintering wood sounded out a fair distance away. "Do you wanna get there before that water-rat catches you or not!?"
"I'd listen to THE BULL if I were you!" Soundbite pleaded.
"Alright, I'm going!" I said as I leapt out and started sprinting as he'd ordered. Seconds later, there was a splash and the sound of someone running behind me, but I didn't look back as I made a beeline for the corner. A right turn and a few feet later, I found myself waiting at the corner, looking around in panic… before another Yagara Bull suddenly pulled up out of nowhere.
"I'm wid da Union, get on!" he said, his tone conveying no room for hesitation or argument. Neither did the sound of 13 catching up to me, either, for that matter, which really moved me to leap onto the Bull's back and hang on for dear life as he tore off.
"Not as talkative as the other bulls," I muttered.
"Some of us prefah to concentrate on dah job," the bull muttered back, matching his words as he focused on making tracks in the water. He jetted around for a few more canals before stopping by a landing without warning. "Run ovah to da next street, get to da centah of the bridge and den jump. Youse got thirty seconds."
This time, I didn't even hesitate to jump out and book it, charging down the street and easily locating the bridge that spanned the canal. The fact that I couldn't hear Friday or 13 behind me was a good sign, but knowing those two, I seriously doubted I was safe. As such, I didn't hesitate to climb on the bridge's railing and throw myself over.
One second I was falling towards the (relatively) rushing water, and the next found me landing not-so-gracefully on the back of yet another Yagara Bull's gondola.
"Let me guess, you're with the Union?" I reasoned.
"Precisely," the Yagara pronounced without slowing down. "I'm da last in da chain, you'll be as close to Big Bros Sod and Gom's house as we can get youse once I getcha there." It paused before shooting a glare over its shoulder. "Also, though I appreciate bein' able ta talk, I'm a lady."
I jabbed my finger at Soundbite with a flat glare. "Blame him."
"What!? HELL NO, blame Canada!"
"This isn't South Park, and I don't respect your 'authoritay', now fix it!" I snapped.
Soundbite had the good conscience to flinch slightly. "Ah, right. HOW'S THIS?"
The Yagara hummed contemplatively. "One and two, test test…" she grinned victoriously. "Yeah, this'll work! Thanks! Ah, and check it out!" She pulled up alongside the mouth of a relatively grimy alley in a rather rundown part of town. "Here yah ah! Just head on outta town and yah should be there, yah can't miss Franky House if'n yah tried!"
"Got it, thanks!" I said thankfully, waving at her as I climbed out. "And, just out of curiosity, what the heck is the Union and how powerful is it anyway?"
The Yagara donned a cocky grin. "Tha Union's short for the Yagara Bull's Workah Union, and for how powahful we ah, well…" Her grin widened by several molars. "Don't ask questions yah can't handle tha answah to." And with that, she sped off and turned out of sight.
I watched after her for a second before shrugging and turning to start walking down the alleyway. "So… seeing as we can't hear the pesky pair coming after us like bats out of hell anymore, you guys think we might have lost them?"
FWUMP!
"Not a chance in hell."
With an expression that was more incredulous and exasperated than terrified, I turned around to stare at where the Unluckies had landed behind me. They were thoroughly dishevelled and clearly exhausted, but that hardly made them any less threatening than they had been at the start of this, in spite of all I'd done to them.
"Okay, seriously," I demanded in shock. "What damned circle of hell did Crocodile drag you two monsters out of!?"
"Kuraigana Island," Friday deadpanned.
"Freaking Humandrills…" 13 scowled.
I paused as I processed that before allowing my face to fall into a neutral expression. "…Yeah, that tracks. Ah, and by the way?" I tapped the side of my head. "Your sunglasses are askew." I stuck my palm out at them. "Gastro-Flash." And then there was light.
"YEARGH!"
I turned tail and ran as the pair reeled and clutched their eyes in agony. It only took me a minute to run past the edge of town and onto the meagre wasteland that encircled the city proper, with the unique and eccentric Franky House laid out before me. It was at that point that a roar/squawk of fury sounded out behind me, prompting me to run even faster. Thankfully, the scrabble of talons on stonework meant that Friday was probably too exhausted to fly anymore, but that sure the hell didn't mean that I was willing to stop for even a moment. My muscles burned like all hell, but soon enough I managed to reach the doors of the House and shoulder my way inside without stopping.
Once inside, I didn't even pause for an instant as I barreled my way past the shocked members of the Franky Family. I dodged to the side in order to avoid someone grabbing me, baseball-slid under the legs of one of their no doubt part-giant members, and at one point I even went so far as to spring onto a poker table they'd set up and use it as a springboard from which I could leap across the heads of at least three more members.
Finally, I reached the raised dais at the back of the house where there were two couches set up opposite one another, and without missing a beat, I vaulted over its backrest and landed in the seat across from none other than Franky, a.k.a. Cutty Flam, a.k.a. the boss of Water 7's underworld, a.k.a. our future shipwright. "Hi, there!" I chirped in a perfectly casual tone. "Franky, right? My name's Jeremiah Cross, of the Straw Hat Pirates! Maybe you've heard of me? Nice to meetcha!" I grabbed his hand and shook it for a second before noticing what he was holding in his other hand. "Oh, is that Cola? I haven't had any in forever! Mind if I have some? Thanks!" I didn't even wait for a response as I snatched the bottle from his hand and started draining it mercilessly.
Franky blinked in shock as I chugged the bottle he'd just been holding. "Wait, what the—?"
I finished the bottle off with a relieved sigh, followed by a gut-rattling belch. "Ahhh, now that hit the spot! Thanks for that. I ran here from halfway across the city, so I am parched! Anyway, sorry for barging in like this, but it was really important that I meet with you so that I could offer you the business deal of a lifetime!" I eagerly held my wrist up and pointed at the briefcase I was hauling. "Trust me, it'll be way worth your while!"
An instant later, the Unluckies filled the sides of the sofa beside me, shoving their guns against my temple with more than a little force.
My smile became rather fixed as I tried very hard not to move. "But, ah, first, before we get down to business, do you think you could help get rid of my little friends?" I winced as they pressed their weapons even harder. "Pretty please?"
Franky took in the situation for a second before grunting and starting to stand up. "Alright, you two, I don't know what your issue with him is, but let him—"
BA-BANG!
I flinched as the Unluckies shot Franky in the chest without even looking at him, knocking him back and bowling over both him and his sofa. They then proceeded to cock the secondary barrels on their pistols and re-aim them at me, all without missing a beat.
I swallowed heavily as I eyed my assailants before pausing as a thought struck me. "… Alright, I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth here, but I just have to know: why haven't you done it yet?"
The Unluckies tilted their heads in the slightest indications of confusion.
"Why haven't you shot me?" I clarified. "You've had me at gunpoint several times now, and it would only take a single second to send a bullet ripping through my skull. So why? Why haven't you killed me yet?"
The two of them exchanged looks for the briefest of seconds…
"Tsss…"
Before hissing out a sharp breath between their teeth…
"TSHAHAHAHA!"
And throwing their heads back and cackling in dark and malevolent humour.
Well, if I didn't think that these assholes were evil before…
"Tshahaha, ha, haaa…" 13 wound down to a light chuckle and shook his head as he wiped a finger beneath his eye. "Ah, man… we seriously overestimated you, Cross, we really did. The way you talked earlier, we thought you knew something of hatred, that you had a clue…"
"But if you even have to ask, then you really must have no idea of what hatred is like after all," Miss Friday shook her head in amusement. "You have no idea what it's like to truly despise someone, to hate their very existence with every fibre of your being that you can muster."
"Because you see," 13 picked up with a vicious grin as he ground his weapon against my skull. "That's what we feel for you. You're no longer a mere vendetta, no longer a grudge; you're the object of our hatred. We despise you, Jeremiah Cross, you and that snail of yours. We hate you on a conceptual level that we didn't think was possible until now. There are… truly no words that can be used to define the depths of our emotions."
"But as undefinable as our emotions are, one thing is undeniable." Friday's talons gouged into the sofa cushion, and her grip on her own gun shook slightly. "Taking your life in an instant, with a single bullet? That fate… is just too merciful. We just… we can't let it sit there, you see? We can't let you die that… that kindly. No, Jeremiah Cross, you won't die here, and not today either. You'll die at our safehouse, a long time from now. You will die alone, you will die in agony, and above all? You will die slowly, after we have performed every physically possible act of torture we can conceive or learn of. Do. You. Understand?"
I swallowed heavily as I swapped my gaze between the two utter psychopaths I was trapped between before slowly raising a finger. "Ah… I-I see… then, i-if I may ask you one more question?"
13 bared his fangs as he brought his face close to mine. "The last one you'll get before Friday rips your tongue out and eats it."
"Right…" I was forced to re-steel my nerves due to that particular image before managing to force a cocky grin in place. "Well, I just wanted to know if you were planning on doing all that you have lined up for me before or after the cyborg you ticked off kicks your asses."
Friday and 13 paused and visibly blinked in confusion. "Cy-what-now?" they chorused.
"Cyborg," I explained casually. "You know, half human, half machine. Something sort of like Mr. 1? Usually, they're pure sci-fi, but there are a few examples out and about in the world today. Like, say…" I widened my grin as I looked up at the figure looming before us. "The SUPER! Boss of Water 7's underground?"
"Sup."
CLENCH!
It was at that point that two massive hands reached down and crushed the Unluckies' guns, as well as the limbs gripping them.
"GYAGH!" the animal-assassins cried in agony as Franky lifted them both up by their limbs and held them before his infuriated face.
"You two pests think that you can break into my house, shoot me without even a second thought, and then threaten someone's life like that without there being any consequences?" he growled. "I don't think so. And you—" He snapped his glare down to me, killing my nascent grin where it stood. "You intrude upon my home, shove past my boys, force me to meet with you, drink my Cola, and you actually think that I'll work for you?"
I swallowed heavily before plastering an only slightly shaky grin on my face. "For my crew, to be specific." I brought my briefcase onto my lap and clicked it open, showing off the contents. "And for a rather exorbitant commission at that."
Franky's expression remained set in stone for what felt like an eternity before a massive grin split his face. "Ice-for-Brains owes me a whole bundle of cash," he announced in a jovial tone. "You Strawhats are just as insane in real life as you make yourselves out to be on your show!"
"SIR! YOU OFFEND US!" Soundbite cried out in a faux-insulted tone before grinning maniacally. "OUR INSANITY delves deeper than any mortal mind can possibly IMAGINE."
"I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit," Zambai cut in.
"Deeper than even THAT!" Soundbite asserted.
Franky chuckled. "Well, I'm definitely looking forward to talking business with you guys." His expression then took on a hint of sadism as he held up the still-struggling Unluckies, causing them to stiffen in terror. "Lemme just deal with these pests first." And with that, he strode to the front of his dais and held the pair out for the rest of the Franky Family to see. "Boys? Do me a favor and educate these two on etiquette while I address our guest."
And with that, he flung the pair out into the crowd and walked back to the couch, summarily ignoring the sound of brawling and screaming that arose behind him.
"Now, then, it seems that we already know each other: Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite of the Straw Hat Pirates, founders and hosts of the SBS—"
"And Franky, ship dismantler and the head of Water 7's underworld, the most SUPER guy I'll ever have the pleasure of meeting?" I finished, grinning ear to ear.
"Looks like you're not the only one whose reputation precedes them," Franky said, grinning just as wide. "So, let's cut to the chase. First of all… what's with the Government otter and the vulture? I mean…" The cyborg shrugged casually. "Besides, those bastards no doubt want your head on a spear anyway."
"Not Government, just wearing suits in order to coast off the rep," I said, waving my hand dismissively. "They used to work for Crocodile, but after we took him down, Soundbite and I… paid them visits in prison as payback for attacking us during that particular fiasco. We…" I scratched my neck sheepishly. "May have escalated matters, which made them decide to kill us. This is the second time we've met them since we left Alabasta, and probably not the last."
"Huh…" Franky scratched his chin as he gazed over my shoulder at the mob behind us. "Ya know, I could do you a favour and put them on a spit. It wouldn't be any trouble, really."
"Nah, nah, it's fine, no need to go that far," I replied, shaking my head. "Just give them a beating and toss them… pretty much anywhere, really."
"Don't be an idiot, Cross."
I blinked and looked over my shoulder in surprise. "Lassoo?"
The Zoan-weapon growled and shifted on my back before pushing himself off so that he could roll to the ground, morphing to his full dog form as he did so. He glared up at me as he sat on his rump. "You heard me, Cross, I said don't be an idiot," he repeated. "You heard those two monsters, they're not going to give up trying to kill you any time soon. You can shake them or send them away, but they will be back. Better to kill them now and be done with it, once and for all."
I frowned at my weapon and shook my head in denial. "No, Lassoo. I've gotten this far without killing, I'm not about to stop now. I know that they'll be back, that's a given, but I'll handle them then as I handled them now."
"But next time you might not get anywhere near as lucky!" Lassoo snarled, his hackles raised in annoyance. "Next time they might lose their patience, next time they might hurt someone else!" He paused, panting, before backing down with a sympathetic look. "Look… Cross, if you don't want to kill them, that's fine, just let me do it! I've done it before, more times than I can count, there wouldn't be—"
"Wouldn't be any blood on my hands? Wrong. Inaction to stop a death like this would be as bad as doing it with my own two hands," I countered.
"FOR THE LOVE OF YOU-KNOW-WHO, CROSS, IT'S A water-rat and a feather-rat, BOTH OF WHICH WANT TO TORTURE US TO DEATH! Why are you showing THEM mercy?!" Soundbite snapped indignantly.
I shot a glare at him and opened my mouth to say something heated before hastily snapping my jaws shut and snorting out an aggravated breath. I took a second to get my thoughts together before grimacing and holding up my hands defensively. "I-I know, I know, but… look, I'm not naïve, alright? I know that I've been lucky in not having to kill so far, I know that one day I'm going to get into a situation where…" I looked down at my hands, almost imagining the blood there. "Where it'll be kill or no kill with no exit, no third option, but…" I shook my head in an effort to discard the thoughts. "But it's not going to be today, it's not going to be in cold blood, and above all else?"
My demeanour sharpened as I shot a vicious glare over my shoulder at the mob behind us. "I'm not going to let it be those two. I'm not going to give them the 'honour' of finally making me break. They can hate me, and they can hunt me as much as they want, but at the end of the day?" I shook my head in disgust as I looked ahead. "I'm not going to let them make me like them. I'm not going to sink to their level, because the fact of the matter is that while they might be monsters, they're monsters motivated by hate, and that means that they just. Aren't. Worth it."
Lassoo and Soundbite stared at me, borderline awestruck expressions on their faces.
"C-Cross, I—!" Lassoo started to breathe.
And whatever he was about to say was then lost to the wind as the moment shattered to pieces. Said shattering resulted from the very, very undignified sound of a literally tough-as-nails cyborg bawling his eyes out.
"Seriously!? You are that hair-trigger!?" I squawked in disbelief.
"Sh-Shaddup, I'm not crying, you're crying!" wept the very clearly crying Franky.
"The hell I am!"
"Cross, I thought you said he was going to hit it off with Boss right away, not Chopper," Lassoo deadpanned.
"You haven't seen him SUPER yet," I muttered under my breath before sliding my headphones on. "Oh, and fair warning? I'm going to snap him out of it the fastest way I know how, so cover your ears."
Soundbite and Lassoo's expressions morphed into ones of panic as I slid my hand into my bag. "DON'T YOU DARE—"
BWAAAAAAAAAH!
The entirety of the Franky House reacted as the foghorn blared out. And seeing their faces, I couldn't help but chuckle. "I love this thing."
"WE KNOW!" everyone roared back.
"Geeze, that stupid horn is even louder in person," Franky grumbled as he dug his fingers in his ears. "Alright, moving on. Boys? Break them up, tie them up, and stick them in storage on the Puffing Tom." He looked at me in askance. "I can respect you not wanting them dead, but do you want me to make sure they can't come after you again?"
I turned to frown at the pair thoughtfully for a second before shrugging. "Yeah, go ahead, my conscience can live with that."
"Perfect! Hey, boys!" Franky belted out, getting his guy's attention. "Don't kill 'em, but make sure to clip their wings and claws before you leave 'em. Oh!" He snapped his fingers as a thought hit him. "And they're a pretty close team, so keep them apart."
"Got it, Big Bro," Zambai saluted. "Destroyers, you're with me."
"Got it, Zambai," the part-giants chorused, gathering the twitching, groaning animals and binding them before heading out. As the door closed, the rest of the house looked at Franky, who made a careless gesture that signalled them to return to business as usual. With that, Franky sat back on his couch and grinned invitingly.
"So, Jeremiah Cross, what do the biggest smartasses in the world of pirates want with me?"
I made to respond—
SLAM! "JEREMIAH CROSS!"
—and was promptly cut off by the unmistakable sound of a door being kicked off its hinges, accompanied by the unmistakably furious voice of one Nefertari Vivi.
I stiffened in terror as I felt visual daggers slam into the back of my head, and I gave Franky a desperate look. "For the love of all that's holy, please tell me that this place has a bolthole."
Franky shook his head with a tsk. "Sorry, buddy, but it wouldn't do you any good. This chick looks like she's ready to move heaven and earth to rip your head off."
I winced, stood up and turned around as I mentally prepared any kind of excuse I could muster to keep my head attached to my neck… and was promptly brought up short when I actually caught sight of her. More specifically…
"What the hell—did you change your clothes!?"
Rather than the white, blue-dotted sundress that she'd been wearing on the Merry, Vivi was currently clad in a beige suit-and-skirt combo and a scarlet tie. It was a bit plain, true, but it put off an air of pure professionalism.
"Aheheh, sorry, Cross," Conis apologized in a sheepish tone as she followed the steaming Princess through the collapsed door. She'd also changed her outfit so that she was wearing a professional-looking dark blue long coat, cyan khakis, and a white turtleneck, along with her white beret and the goggles hanging around her neck.
"What possible reason could there have been to go clothes shopping while I was fighting for my life!?" I demanded indignantly.
"Simple." Boss snorted out a cloud of smoke as he waddled into sight, wearing a pair of mirrored aviator sunglasses and a flak jacket. "She said that there was no way in hell that those two bastards would be able to crush someone as resilient as you."
"Ya gotta admit, she wath wight, wight?" Carue chuckled, having changed into a charcoal-grey cap and one of those white-collar things with a matching scarlet tie.
"Of course she was!" Su snickered from Conis's shoulder. The fox was… actually as naked as usual. Don't really know what I was expecting.
I opened my mouth to protest, and settled for looking away as I coughed into my fist. "Well, when you put it like that…"
"This…"
I stiffened as Vivi suddenly hissed viciously and started stalking forward, like some massive storm front encroaching on the horizon.
"This actually is going to be a thing with you, isn't it?" Vivi snarled viciously. "This is going to be a thing that happens every time we land on an island, and you go out for a damn walk, isn't it? A thing that happens without fail and with increasing intensity!?"
I struggled to get my mental gears to grind as I backed away from her in terror. "A-Alright, Vivi, alright, l-let's just calm down and—!" I was cut off by backing into Franky's sofa, which gave Vivi the time she needed to hop onto the dais and loom over me. "L-Look, just what exactly did I do to deserve you being furious at me this time!? I-If it's the property damage, did you honestly expect me to be able to fight off the Unluckies in a metropolis like this without some collateral damage?"
"Some collateral damage," Vivi repeated in a tone of icy calm. "Some collateral damage. Yes, Cross, I expected some collateral damage. I always expect some collateral damage from our crew, and I've especially come to expect it from you. But even in spite of that… I find myself with a question."
I swallowed meekly. "A… A question?"
"A question," she repeated, her tone dripping with vitriol as she grabbed my collar and started dragging me back to the entryway of the house. "A question I find myself asking for the third time since I met this crew. A question I never even conceived of asking before I had the misfortune of meeting you. And that question… is thus."
She grabbed the back of my head and forced me forward, so that I was staring out the doorway without obstruction.
"WHY IN THE NAME OF HORUS, ANUBIS, RA, AND EVERY LAST GOD IN THE ALABASTAN PANTHEON, IS THE CITY ON FIRE!?"
"What the hell are yooooooooh holy shit the city is on fire," I trailed off numbly.
And indeed, the city was on fire. A great big chunk of it, too, smoke and flames and everything.
I stared numbly at the conflagration for a second before turning a carefully neutral expression at Vivi. "… Would you buy that it was in self-defence?"
THWACK!
"GYARGH!" I squawked, clutching my very broken nose in agony. "DAB IT, NOD AGAIN!"
"ROT IN HELL!" Vivi roared without looking back as she marched into the house.
I took a moment to collect my thoughts before following her. How the hell had this happened?! At Nanohana, I'd had a pissed-off Fire Logia chasing me. At Mock Town—which, by the way, was mostly made of wood—I'd set off a massive free-for-all in the middle of a pirate town. But here? I couldn't think of anything that might have set off a fire like that! I mean, maybe that food stall I'd used to spice up the Unluckies, but that was—!
… Dammit, that was it, wasn't? Open flames, hot oil… perfect for starting up a blaze and letting it get out of control.
"Whoob—"
"Hang on a sec," Boss grunted as he waddled up to me, jumped up—
CRACK!
"ARGH!" I clamped my hand over my nose in agony as it was righted. "Ow… ergh, thanks."
"Not a problem," the dugong waved me off casually.
"Anyway… yeah, whoops. Sorry, that was definitely my fault."
"Eh… not all of it, really."
"Huh?" I looked back in confusion to see Franky standing behind me and looking over my shoulder. "What are you talking about?"
He pointed out the leftmost region of the fire. "See that blaze over there? Yeah, that's mine. From five years back, actually."
"What," I repeated flatly.
"Heh, yeah…" The cyborg scratched the back of his head. "I was, ah, kinda experimenting with trying to create a stable power source and, well… one thing led to another…"
"Stable enough that it kept a fire burning for five years," Vivi repeated, this time with disbelief in place of anger. "Five years."
"Eeyah…" Franky blushed in embarrassment. "Really should have thought twice about trying to dig out an old coal mine I heard rumours about."
"You're lucky," I stated. "I remember back home reading somewhere about a coal fire that started three hundred years ago and is still going."
Franky and Vivi gaped at me, along with several others within earshot. Then the princess coughed and shook her head slightly. "Er, anyway, we're getting off topic," she said, extending her hand to Franky. "I am Nefertari Vivi, negotiator of the Straw Hat Pirates. I believe it's safe to assume that you're Franky, boss of the Franky Family?"
Franky opened his mouth to reply, but then shut it as a grin slid over his face. "Hold that thought." Before any of us could act, he ran back to his dais while the rest of his Family scrambled around doing something or other and—wait, why were they lowering a sheet over—? Were those drums!?
The penny dropped when a spotlight shone behind the curtain, outlining a trio of silhouettes: Franky and two square-haired women who began dancing without warning.
"Hey, guys!" Franky crowed eagerly. "Did you just say my name!?"
"Hell yeah!" the members of the Franky Family cheered eagerly.
"What on earth…?" Vivi gaped in disbelief.
"NO CLUE WHAT, but I just know THAT IT'S FUNK-AY!" Soundbite whooped as he bobbed his head to the beat.
I chuckled in amusement as I patted Vivi's shoulder. "Welcome to Franky House, Princess."
"Yeow, yeow, yeow, yeow!" Franky howled as he and the sisters pumped their legs before moving their arms into a square-like position. "Come on, everybody, no need to be shy! Say my name!"
"BIG BRO FRANKY!" The whole of the house shook from the force of the roar.
"WOO, GO POMPADOUR-BOY! SHAKE YO' MONEY MAKER!"
"Su!"
"Oh, c'mon, Conis, you were thinking it too!"
"Well…"
"Ahh, nothing more satisfying than a supportive audience!" Franky said before grabbing the bottom of the sheet, ripping it away and dancing even more energetically. "I'm Water 7's number one SUPAH! guy, the face of the underworld, and you know why! The man with the plan, the power and fame, and people everywhere call out my name! Wow!"
Franky and the sisters knelt down and started pounding their fists on the ground with a building hum. "MmmmmMMMMM!" The mob-boss and his backup dancers snapped up in a pose, arms held together in the air. "FRANKY!"
BOMF!
Aaaand there was the ending with the smoke bomb.
"Soundbite? Appropriate applause, please," I grinned.
Grinning, the snail promptly added to the already abundant applause with noise comparable to that of a live concert.
While the rest of the family cheered, I took the time to grin down at Lassoo. "Still think he and Boss aren't a match made in heaven?"
"I… might have jumped the cannon…" Lassoo coughed in his paw.
In the aftermath, I took note that yes, Franky was currently being flanked by his seconds-in-command, the yellow-clad Mozu, and the pink-clad Kiwi—who was currently posing in a pink bath robe?
THWACK!
I winced sympathetically as she suddenly laid Franky out flat.
"Sis!" Mozu reeled in shock.
"Be happy I didn't give you one too!" Kiwi warned before rounding on their boss. "And you! Next time, don't call me when I'm in the damn shower!"
"Ugh… ow… damn it, how do you make that hurt when I'm made of metal!? And sorry, Kiwi, but would you expect me not to show off for the Straw Hats?" Franky asked as he got back on his feet, rubbing the back of his head in equal parts sheepishness and pain.
"I don't care if they're Tom himself back from the dead!" I winced and noticed Franky hiding the same reaction. "Do it again, and I'll aim lower. Got it?"
"Alright, alright, eesh." Franky waved her off and watched as she walked back into the house, her sister swiftly following after her, before sighing grimly. "Really shoulda given that more thought…" He swiftly recovered and puffed his chest out proudly as he jabbed his thumb at himself. "Anyway, yeah! I'm Franky, big bro and boss of the Franky Family! Welcome, Straw Hats! Now then, boys…" His grin became somewhat bestial as he fell back on his sofa, arms and legs spread wide, taking up more room. "How about you get us and our guests some refreshments while we talk?"
And just like that, as the Franky Family started milling around and set about their various tasks, Vivi's demeanour shifted; her shock and hesitation washed away, replaced by cold, hard determination. "Conis, Carue, stay behind the couch. Cross, Boss, you're sitting next to me. I realize this might be a relaxed setting, but let's at least try to act halfway professional."
I shrugged and stood a little bit straighter. "You've got a point here, milady. Lead the way."
The princess nodded confidently and strode forward, Boss alongside her left flank, while Carue stood behind her. Conis moved to stand beside Carue while I sank onto the couch to Vivi's right.
Franky cocked an eyebrow at the formal display before smirking and raising one of his arms. Within moments, one of his boys was present, dropping a pair of large brown-filled bottles on the coffee table before disappearing back into the crowd.
"Hope you don't mind, Cola," the cyborg chuckled as he picked up one of the bottles and prepared to knock it back. "So long as you're in my house, it's the only drink you can get. But of course, if the princess can't handle it—!"
Without ever breaking her neutral expression, Vivi snatched up her full bottle of Cola, threw her head back and utterly drained it. What had to be nearly two litres of soda vanished in a matter of seconds, following which Vivi gently replaced the bottle on the coffee table and… nothing. No matter how long we waited, what we were all waiting for just didn't come.
Vivi, for her part, smiled beatifically. "Brawnson's. A very nice choice. I prefer St. Dobrynac's myself, but I suppose my palate might be a bit overly spoiled there, sooo…" She waved her hand dismissively.
Franky stared at her in shock for a moment before sighing heavily and placing his bottle down in defeat. "Well, I sure as heck can't top that." He leaned forward, his hands on his knees as he eyed our diplomat. "Alright, let's cut the posturing crap and get down to business: what do guys like you want with guys like me and mine?"
Vivi's artificial cheer drained away into grim solemnity. "As you no doubt already know, roughly two months ago, we travelled up to the sky island known as Skypiea, which is where we recruited our gunner—" She nodded her head back at Conis, who smiled and waved pleasantly. "And where our third mate…" She hesitated slightly as she glanced at me.
I chuckled grimly as I raised my hand. "Where I got my limbs turned into grilled mozzarella, no need to pussyfoot around."
Franky shuddered sympathetically. "Yeah, I don't think anyone missed that little shitshow. Ice-for-Brains had his Galley-La chumps handing out lozenges for snails with sore throats all across the city." He tilted his head in confusion. "But what's that got to do with me? Going by how Cross moved earlier, I doubt he needs me to make him any new limbs."
That caught Vivi off guard. "Make him new—?"
Franky glanced at me, to which I responded with a grin and a shrug. "I'm more knowledgeable than the rest of my crew, and I like letting them learn non-crucial stuff for themselves. But since it's out of the bag…"
"Oh, yeah, sure. Check it out!" And without further ado, he grabbed his right wrist and yanked his forearm in half. While the rest of my crewmates recoiled in shock, I whistled in awe and leaned forward to give the separation a closer look. Besides his arm being hollow inside, less than an inch of Franky's epidermis—no, of an epidermis-like facsimile—was wrapped around the metal of the limb. Overall, it was damn impressive.
"What on earth!?" Vivi breathed in shock.
"Even I know that that's not normal," Conis gasped.
"What the heck are you!?" Su demanded.
"I'm a cyborg, of course!" Franky proclaimed proudly as he refastened his limb. "This body you're looking at is known as Battle Franky 36, my thirty-sixth custom creation! I went through my own level of hell that wrecked my body something fierce and rebuilt myself from the ground up. Pretty sweet, huh?"
"To be clear, you made this badass monument to all things manly yourself?" Boss clarified as he gestured at Franky.
"Eeyup!" Franky chirped, popping a firm thumbs-up.
"…I am intrigued," Boss finally admitted, stroking his chin.
A cough sounded out from Vivi's direction, drawing attention back to her. "Well, now I see why Cross wanted your expertise." I grinned in response to her glance in my direction. "But I think we might have gotten off-topic. Anyway, to clarify why I brought that particular ordeal up…" She sighed and hung her head. "Cross… wasn't the only one of us crippled in the fighting."
"Seriously?" Franky sat up in shock. "But I don't remember—?"
"We… didn't find out until today," Vivi clarified. "During an altercation with one of Eneru's priests before the war proper, our comrade was thrown just the wrong way and…" She bowed her head, forcing her voice to remain steady. "And her… her keel cracked."
It took a few seconds for that to sink in. When it did, however, Franky's expression was equal parts awed and horrified as he leaned back in his seat. "…Your ship? The… The Going Merry, right?" His eyes widened in shock. "And… And you said you only found out today? She's been sailing with a snapped keel for—?" Apparently, our expressions were enough, going by how he slapped a hand to his forehead. "Holy shit…"
"Precisely…" I nodded gravely. "We… We'd love to fix her somehow, we really would, but—!"
"Not possible," Franky interrupted, shaking his head in denial. "For a ship to sail for even a week with a snapped keel is a miracle, but two months is utterly unheard of. The damage that your ship's infrastructure must have suffered since then…" He gave us all a sad look. "This goes so far beyond just her keel now. I'm sorry, but you'd need to replace almost every other part of her hull from the keel out to fix her. I don't doubt that she's strong, she'd have to be, but… Water 7's her grave now."
We all flinched and lapsed into miserable silence as the harsh reality of our situation washed over us again. I thought I had already exhausted my grief. I was wrong; I had to try hard not to start crying again. There was a respectful moment of silence before Franky spoke again, more softly. "So, if you came to someone like me with this, then… I'm guessing you want me to handle her… end?"
Boss recovered first, shaking his head as he bit down on his cigar. "Ah… no, not… exactly. Merry's our ship and our responsibility; we can give her a dignified end on our own. No, we're not here concerning an ending. We're here about a new beginning."
"Eh?"
"Mister Franky." Vivi drew herself to attention as she pinned Franky with a gaze practically shining in its intensity. "We are here on behalf of the Straw Hat Pirates in order to commission the construction of our new ship by yours truly."
The cyborg immediately fell into a more guarded expression. "Wait, you're asking me to make you a new ship? Because that's Galley-La's forte, my reputation is as a ship dismantler. Why would you think that it'd be a good idea to come to me for this?"
"Because as you yourself have so aptly demonstrated, you're one of, if not the best engineer on this side of the Grand Line, surpassed only by Doctor Vegapunk himself," I cut in. "You literally built yourself from the ground up. Any ship made by you would be a work of absolute perfection."
"Eh? Doctor who?" Franky asked in confusion.
"YES!" Soundbite started to cackle…
SMACK! "AGH!"
Until I forced him back into his shell, anyway. "Not the time, Soundbite."
"Killjoy…"
"…Alwight, moving on fow the sake of sanity?" Carue suggested.
"Agreed," Franky said, his eyes narrowing as he looked over us. "Because I've still got questions. I'll admit that you'll be hard-pressed to find a better engineer than me, even in Galley-La, but that still doesn't connect to ship-building, so how the hell did you know to ask me to do this for you?"
"You were actually recommended to us as the best person to ask," Conis provided.
Franky was silent for a second before slowly rising to his feet and looming over us, his expression shadowed but not doing anything to hide his flinty glare. "Who. Told you. To ask for me?" he demanded, his voice promising nothing but pain if he didn't like the answer.
It was a true credit to Vivi that she didn't even flinch before the display, instead favouring Franky with a cool stare. "It was the station-mistress of Switch Station, one Granny Kokoro," she replied, producing and holding out the letter from said station-mistress as though it were yesterday's to-do list written on the back of last year's receipt.
Franky's expression changed again, from barely concealed murderous rage to equally barely hidden shock and then just as swiftly to deliberate neutrality. Without giving anything away, the cyborg took the letter and opened it. He raised his eyebrows as he read the message, and then sank back into his seat in wide-eyed shock as he reached the finish. A few seconds later, he slowly folded up the message and replaced it in the envelope before locking eyes with each of us.
"You spoke… to a Klabautermann? She… She came out in plain sight when you asked?" he breathed.
One and all, we grimaced anew and struggled to hold back our tears as the memory came back to us.
"…I wasn't expecting that." Franky bowed his head with a quiet sigh, tearing up again. "For a ship to love their crew that much… to keep going past her own limits, and to show that much emotion to you… IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER HEARD!" he declared, bawling his eyes out again.
My eye twitched as he sobbed miserably. "Ah… not that we don't appreciate your support, but if we could get back on topic, please—?" I requested as my hand drifted down to my bag.
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" everyone else in the house roared furiously.
"Alright, alright, no need to yell!" I snickered as I snapped my hands up.
"Starting to see why the Government wants your head…" Franky grumbled as he wiped his eyes and got his composure back. "Alright, so, Granny sent you to me, huh… look, let's be clear here: what exactly are you looking for from me?"
My smile faded, and I glanced at Vivi for confirmation, to which she responded with a nod, prompting Boss and I to place our briefcases on the coffee table. "We came to you, Franky, because besides being a genius in the field of engineering, you also have extensive connections in the black market. We'd like to hire you to build us a ship worthy of a new Pirate King, one to rival the Oro Jackson itself." I kindly ignored the slight twitch in Franky's eye at that. "Of course, for this endeavour to be accomplished, a necessary component would be wood from the Jewel Tree Adam."
Boss and I clicked our cases open, and Franky's jaw all but hit the ground as we showed off the amount of wealth we were hauling. "What we have here is ฿500 million in gold and cash. Should you accept, we'd like you to use it to buy what you need for our ship, but before that…" I scrunched my eyes shut, struggling to fend off the image of the fire and snow. "Before that, we want you to at least try scouring the market for any chance, no matter how remote, that we can keep Merry with us. We've all accepted that we have to move on and let her go, but…"
I gave him a truly desperate look. "I… back on Skypiea, I talked to Merry, and I promised her, promised her that I would do anything that I could to save her. I… I know now that she lied to me when she said that she would be fine, that she still had a chance, but…" I shook my head. "But damn it, I'm a member of the Strawhat Pirates, and I wouldn't be worthy of our flag if I didn't do every last thing I possibly could to keep a promise. And at this point… at this point, the black market connections are that very last thing. So if there's some way Merry can stay with us… Then we'll take it in a second."
Franky stared silently at me for a few seconds before exhaling. "I promise you, Cross, if there's anything that can help her, I'll get it. Saving the Merry after all I've heard about her would be worth more than twice this money."
I managed a weak, grateful smile, but it faded as Franky folded his arms and continued. "But, in the event that I can't find anything… The going rate for Adam wood is currently about ฿200 million a shipment, and extra materials shouldn't cost more than that. You're offering me more than enough for the supplies for your new ship, but my question is, how much of this is for your ship, and how much do I get to keep? And before you say anything!" He snapped his hand up to forestall any protests. "I still have my family to take care of, and the going has been rough lately, what with the Marines coming around more often to get their ships from Galley-La. I'll still help you, that's decided, but I just wanna hammer out the details, is all."
I took a second to process that before snapping my case shut—which Boss mirrored—and sitting back with a nod to Vivi. "You're up, Princess."
Vivi sat up straighter as she locked eyes with Franky. "How much of it do you want to take?"
Franky folded his arms. "As I said, with my connections, it'll take about ฿200 million to buy enough Adam wood to build you the ship of your dreams; any other odds and ends I can get from what's already on this island. So, straight up, I'd like the remaining ฿300 million."
"Unacceptable," Vivi declared without hesitation. "฿25 million, at most."
"T-Twenty-five—!? You must be kidding!" Franky scoffed as he slammed a hand on the coffee table. "No freaking way! I have fifty-five people and two King Bulls in my family, they're as big as Sea Kings! Twenty-five wouldn't last more than three days! ฿275 million!"
"฿50 million, we still need to live with Nami," Vivi retorted.
Franky winced sympathetically at that. "Alright, that's fair…" His expression became set in stone a moment later. "But my sympathy only goes so far. ฿200 million, final offer."
"฿75 million."
Franky's expression didn't shift. "200 million," he repeated firmly.
A flash of worry shot across Vivi's face. "I… 100 million, final offer."
The cyborg slowly crossed his arms over his chest, not even so much as a muscle twitching. "Two. Hundred. Million."
Vivi and I exchanged panicked glances, and for good reason. What the heck were we supposed to do!? Franky wasn't budging, but we both knew that if we came out of this with less than two-thirds of Nami's money, our lives would be utterly forfeit. Unless we come up with something fast!
"Ahem."
We snapped our attention over to Boss. The dugong was sporting a supremely serious expression.
"If you don't mind," he announced gruffly. "I'll do the job you brought me here to do."
And without further ado, he ripped the cuff attaching him to our gold clean off his arm, removed his flak jacket, folded it onto the sofa, and hopped onto the coffee table.
"Whad da heck…?" Carue muttered, scratching his head in confusion.
Franky, for his part, didn't even flinch. He just kept staring dead ahead with stony impassivity. The expression was mirrored muscle for muscle by Boss. Then, slowly, Boss began bending over, stretching his flippers down and out and stretching out his shoul…ders…
"…Is he…" I started slowly, completely and utterly incapable of believing what I was seeing. "Is he… flexing?"
"…Yes," Soundbite nodded in awe. "Yes, he IS."
And indeed he was. Boss was flexing his body in one of the most iconic bodybuilding poses known to man, his muscles bulging to the absolute maximum that his relatively diminutive musculature allowed. Franky merely raised an eyebrow at the display while the rest of us looked at Boss in confusion and awe… though mostly confusion.
Vivi leaned over and whispered, "Uh… Cross, any idea what this is in aid of?" into my ear.
"Not a clue, but we did bring him here because he can relate to Franky. Let's just trust him and see where it goes for now," I whispered back. "I mean, he is our crewmate, so—!"
CRACK!
"—eh?" I started as a sound, much like the sound of cracking glass. "What the heck—?"
CRA-CRA-CRACK!
Su gasped in shock as a rapid staccato of cracks sounded out before shakily pointing her paw out. "L-Look! His shell!"
We all looked at where the fox was pointing, and then my eyes shot wide as I saw that Boss's turtle shell had a whole spider web of cracks running through it.
"Boss, be careful!" Conis warned desperately. "Your shell, it's starting to—!"
SMASH!
Conis's voice—and everyone else's in the Franky House, for that matter—died in her throat as the dugong's shell shattered, fragments of it flying in every which way you can imagine.
But that wasn't what really shocked us.
What shocked us all into silence… was what was underneath his shell.
Muscle. Pure, hulking slabs of muscle. Somehow, against all forms of logic, beneath Boss's shell, he was completely and utterly ripped. I had seen Zoro's muscles more times than I care to admit, thanks to our far-too-numerous training sessions, and by God, that man had absolutely nothing on the beast before me. It was like staring at a few-feet-tall Olympic-grade weightlifter prepped for a bodybuilding competition.
For the longest time, nobody dared to move as Boss posed. Finally, however, all while maintaining his stony expression, Franky stood to his feet, looming over us again, and then… drew his forearms together as he mirrored Boss's pose?!
Vivi's jaw promptly dropped. "You have got to be shitting me."
RRRRRIP!
"…Appawently not," Carue said through his gaping beak as Franky's Hawaiian shirt practically exploded off of his taut physique.
They were… posing at one another. There was no other word for it. They were just flat-out flexing and posing at one another, their muscles rippling and their expressions utterly determined as they squared off against one another. Muscle against muscle, buff against buff. A battle of two forces of raw flesh and will, clashing against one another.
This confrontation was… it-it was… it was… I honestly don't know what the hell it was. A melee of mental fortitude, maybe? A brawl of brawn? All I knew was that as I stared at the display before me, this exhibition of pure manliness, I was… moved.
Honestly, I think I felt something new within myself. A shift or a change or… or…
…wait a second…
I pulled my collar out and looked down at my chest in disbelief. "Holy shit, my chest hair is growing."
Conis and Vivi both stared at me for a moment before turning their attention back to the bodybuilders. They maintained their stances for a few seconds more. Then, all at once, they moved—
SLAM!
—and the next thing I knew, after a thunderclap of flesh-on-flesh… they were clasping hands, staring in each other's eyes with what could only be described as mutual adoration.
"฿100 million it is. Pleasure doing business with you," Franky announced.
"Indeed, brother, indeed," Boss nodded in solemn agreement.
SLAM!
Far from being relieved or happy, Vivi moaned miserably as she ground her forehead into the coffee table. "I spent over half my life learning the fine, fine, fine art of diplomacy…" she lamented. "And he succeeds where I was utterly failing with mere flexing…" She turned her head on its side, displaying twin streams of tears trailing down her face and an utterly shattered smile. "This officially tears it. Even with everything I know, even despite being born in it, I'm never going to stop being surprised at what the Grand Line throws at me."
"There, there…" Conis breathed soothingly as she leaned over the couch to rub the traumatized Princess's back. "Better this outcome than having to go back and tell Nami that we gave him 40%."
Vivi's only response was a pained whimper.
It took me a second to get my jaw moving again. "…Well, this is still something to remember, eh, Soundbite?"
Silence.
"Uh, Soundbite?" I looked at Soundbite curiously, only to find that the snail was gnawing on his lower lip in what appeared to be a desperate attempt to stay silent. I opened my mouth to ask again, but then, all at once, he snapped his mouth open and bellowed out in an announcer's voice.
"BOSS USED SHELL SMASH! IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!"
"SUPER!" Franky bellowed as he slammed his forearms above his head before blinking in confusion. "Eh? Wait, what just happened?"
I blinked as I processed what he'd just said, and then I levelled a flat look at the snail as he panted with a relieved smile. "That was just killing you, wasn't it?" I deadpanned.
"You have NO IDEA!" Soundbite groaned.
"Speaking of…" Su cocked an eyebrow as she looked Boss over. "Didn't that… I dunno, hurt?"
Boss glanced up at her before blinking as he realized that he was naked, covering up the embarrassment with a deep cough. "Ah… no, no, it did not. Apropos of nothing, could someone please hand me my jacket? It's… It's chilly in here."
We all stared blankly at him for a moment before hanging our heads with simultaneous groans.
"Pride: the ultimate steroid," Su muttered knowingly.
"Agreed…" the rest of us chorused.