"Are you insane, Cross?!" Bartolomeo yelped.
Apis opened her mouth—
"Rhetorical question, dammit!" Bartolomeo snapped, prompting the dragon keeper to close her mouth and look away with an innocent smile. "Alright, Cross has to know he's bringing the wrath of the Marines on his head for this." He turned around, looking to the two lower-grade ex-Baroque Works agents on board. "How much of a response are we looking at here? Five battleships? Ten?"
Miss Valentine, deathly pale, took a moment to compose herself before answering. "For this sort of situation? When the Marines and the World Government as a whole are taking a shot straight to the dead center of their reputations?" She gulped audibly, sweat dotting her brow. "Try all of them."
Bartolomeo clicked his tongue and began pacing back and forth on the deck. "And with all the Admirals, too. Dammit. I don't think Cross is going to bullshit his way out of this one. Not on his own." His pacing continued for a few more minutes as he stewed in thought before abruptly turning his gaze on Apis again. "Apis, you can talk to animals, right?"
Apis' expression fell flat as she jabbed a finger at the dragon she was riding, with Lindy adopting a flat look of his own in turn.
"Right, stupid question. What I meant to ask was if you can talk to a Transponder Snail from a distance, without seeing it? Tell it to keep its trap shut for… what, a few minutes?"
"Ah…" Apis hesitated as she glanced at the crew's snail with a searching expression before looking back at her captain, her mouth drawn in a thin line. "Maybe? I could give it a shot with Kula's help, I think, but as for the orders bit… I can give orders, sure, but whether they listen or not isn't really up to me." She ran her fingers through her companion's hair in a manner that was more meant to calm herself than the dragon. "I've gotten lucky with Lindy because we have a past…"
"It'll have to do," Bartolomeo sighed. "Call Capricorn, I need one last piece of information."
"What are you planning, Captain?" Gin said out of the corner of his mouth, eyeing his superior as Apis got their snail's attention and started talking to it.
"Something insane, guaranteed to triple all of our bounties if it works and kill us if it doesn't," Bartolomeo muttered as he gnawed on his thumb. "And I'm not sure it's even going to work. You'll probably figure it out once I call Capricorn, anyway." He then shot his first mate a savage grin. "Easiest way of puttin' it, though? If the Straw Hats are takin' a page from the Emperors, then we're taking a page from them."
Gin opened his mouth to respond—
KA-LICK!
"Capricorn."
"Rooster," Bartolomeo replied. "I'm twenty kilometres south-southeast of the Tub Current between Marineford and Enies Lobby. Where's the nearest Celestial Dragon vessel?"
For a moment, there was silence. Then Hina answered, Gin hastily shushing the rest of the poleaxed crew around him.
"A Celestial Dragon vessel?! Rooster, what in the world are you—?!"
"You're listening to the SBS, you know exactly what I'm planning to do," Bartolomeo practically snarled. "This is the only way I can think of to draw off a large enough force to matter." A shaky grin spread across his face. "Besides, I'm not just charging blindly into this. I have a plan."
"… Forgive me if that doesn't fill me with much confidence." There was an explosive sigh on the line, followed by rustling cloth. "Annoyed, Hina is very annoyed because she definitely has a migraine, and it's only a little after midnight… But fine. As it so happens, there's a Celestial Dragon pleasure yacht near your location. Just park yourself outside the edge of the current, and you'll have them."
"Thanks. Rooster out." And with that, Bartolomeo put the phone back in its cradle, then turned around and waited for the inevitable explosion.
He was not disappointed.
"Captain, are you insane—!"
"I hate the Celestial Dragons as much as the next guy, but—"
"There is a point at which you can imitate the Straw Hats too much, and this has clearly passed it!"
"That'll bring an Admiral down on our—!"
"Quiet!" Gin roared.
The crew shut up, looking expectantly at Gin.
"Why don't we let the captain explain before we all decide to mutiny out of self-preservation?" he suggested. Well, 'suggested' inasmuch as any man tapping a ball of metal the size of a bowling ball in his palm can 'suggest', anyway.
"Thanks," Bartolomeo muttered to his first mate as the grumbling died down.
"Don't thank me yet," Gin snapped as he swung his tonfa around to point at his captain. "I already served under a suicidally insane captain once in my life, and I nearly paid for it with my life; I won't make that same mistake again. If you don't have a damn good plan, I'll be first in line to kick your ass."
"Duly noted." Bartolomeo took a deep breath, firmed his features, and took a step forward. "Yes, I am planning exactly what you all think I am! Yes, that will bring an Admiral down on our heads! But!" A finger snapped up, pre-empting any sort of protest. "Right now, the Straw Hats are minutes away from having probably the greatest force the Marines have ever assembled dropping on theirs! If we can draw off five battleships and an Admiral on a wild goose chase, then maybe we can even the odds just enough for the Straw Hats to use their patented brand of bullshit to escape!"
"And how do you plan to turn it into a wild goose chase, huh?" Mr. 5 shouted.
Bartolomeo grinned a grin that had way too many teeth for comfort. "Well, let me tell you."
-o-
"So, let me see if I've got this straight," Paulie reflected as he bashed an arrangement of Marines and agents with his Figure-Of-Eight Knot. "Two days ago, I thought that Kaku and Lucci being government agents was nonsense, CP9 was a myth, and charging Enies Lobby on a rescue/revenge mission was something that nobody in the world was crazy enough to do." He sighed as he absently flung a string of Pipe-Hitch Knives through the assembled army, tripping up a full contingent of the soldiers even as he nonchalantly ducked under a swing from an agent and rammed his forearm into the man's throat. "Then along came the Straw Hat Pirates. I don't think I need to say any more than that."
"Yeah, that just about covers it, doesn't it?" Kashi laughed as he swung his axe down into the side of a building, the ensuing collapse simultaneously robbing our enemies of yet another potential assault platform and blocking off an alleyway that they could try and flank us from. "I see why our captains liked them so much!"
"Heh, I agree!" Oimo cackled as he wound his club back and batted a mortar shell out of the air, utterly ignoring the explosion that erupted as a result. "Makes sense too! They've been on Little Garden for the past hundred years; they missed the start of this new age! Heck…" The giant paused in shock. "Wow, they even missed Roger. That's…" He scratched the side of his head thoughtfully, even as Marine bullets washed over him like summer rain. "Actually kinda sad."
"Eh, don't worry about it," I chuckled as I dodged a swing from an agent coming at me with a pair of brass knuckles before lunging forward to jab my baton into his throat. I then flipped it in my grip and electrified it as I jabbed it into the small of his back once he doubled over. "At least they managed to meet his successor! I mean…" I hefted Lassoo and aimed him into the crowd, blasting out a half-dozen bombs over the front lines and sowing a nice amount of chaos as a result. "That's gotta count for something, right?"
"I know that meeting Luffy sure changed my life for the weird, that's for sure!" Usopp chuckled, taking a knee in order to get a better angle with his Kabuto and no doubt take down yet another wannabe with a rifle who had the audacity to call themselves a sniper in his presence.
"Damn straight!" I nodded as I blocked a Marine's sword with Lassoo's bulk, before pocketing my baton and jabbing a gauntlet full of Impact into the soldier's gut. I then glanced over at Soundbite. "By the way, apropos of nothing, mind providing a sitrep?"
"Current headcount is reaching near a thousand! ABOUT HALF of whatever soldiers are still conscious ARE RUNNING AWAY, spouting such lines as 'I didn't sign up for this' and 'We can't even slow them down!' And my personal favourite, 'If the Straw Hats manage to get away with this, I'll take it as confirmation that faith in the Marines is as ill-founded as Cross says!'" The snail cheered.
I gaped at him in awe. "They did not say that."
"OH YES THEY DID!"
"Sounds like you're actually managing to get through to some people!" Zambai called over to me as he took down a squad that had been going for Sodom and Gomorrah, who were giving the Marines and agents an appropriate level of hell.
"But anyways, AS FOR OUR VANGUARD…" His smile dropped into a scowl. "I can follow Luffy's trail, and he downed A COUPLE THOUSAND ON HIS OWN, BUT RIGHT NOW, HE'S OUT OF MY RANGE."
I considered that for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Meh, that's fi—GAH!" I yelped as I ducked under some jackass who'd just tried to shoot me! "HEY, WATCH IT, I'M FIGHTIN' OVER HERE!" I roared at the bastard before scowling and returning fire with a trio of baseball bombs. "Ass. Anyway, where—? Oh, right!" I bounced the heel of my palm off my head. "It's Luffy. He'll be fine."
-o-
"Whoa… what the heck? How do they get across?" Luffy wondered as he stared down into the gap over the abyss below Enies proper. He then pounded a fist into his palm. "Oh, right, Cross said there's a drawbridge. I think that I could probably Rocket over…" Then he grimaced as he crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side. "But I bet they have tons of other cheap tricks and stuff that Cross knows about, but I don't think that would make me get lost. So, now I have to wait for everyone else to catch up? Aw, man…" He hung his head with a groan. "That sucks…"
He maintained his position for a few minutes before looking up and glancing around curiously as some of his rubbery neurons chose to fire. "Hey, wait… why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?"
"Air Door."
The rubber man scowled darkly and angled his hat down over his eyes before glancing back at the interloper, who was suddenly standing behind him. "Oh, yeah. I need to kick your ass first."
"There seem to be some discrepancies between the report and the actual situation," Blueno intoned, ignoring the death glare Luffy was pinning him with. "To be honest, it did seem more than a little suspicious. For anyone to believe that someone like you could ever only take down just five soldiers…" He shook his head with a sigh. "Well, I suppose that fear is as good a motivation for denial as any."
The rubber man snorted darkly as he turned to face Blueno. "So, bull-head guy. Are you here to stop me?" Luffy asked, momentarily glancing back at his pipe before putting his fists up.
Blueno scoffed, somewhat insulted. "Please. You're the fool here, Monkey D. Luffy, not me. Your reputation through the SBS precedes you, and though I never expected to say this to any criminal, I admit that neither I nor many of my comrades are strong enough to defeat you. Basically, I can't do anything against you."
Luffy blinked in surprise as he marginally relaxed from his stance. "Eh? Really? So… are you just going to let us go?"
The bull-headed Pol agent's gaze somehow became even flatter. "No."
"Oh…" Luffy blinked in confusion. "So, then…?"
"What I can do," he said as he slowly cracked his neck back and forth. "Is give my chief a more complete status report than what he received earlier. After all, unlike you, we don't need to fight you to accomplish our goals. All we need to do is get Nico Robin past the Gates of Justice."
Luffy felt a twinge of panic rise within himself as he remembered Cross's words. However, rather than reacting with panic like most people, Luffy reacted how he'd almost always reacted to fear: with more anger. "Do you really think I'm going to let you get away and steal Robin?!" he growled as he slowly reached over his back and clutched his pipe.
Blueno allowed a mocking smirk to quirk his lips. "What I think," he drawled as he reached his arm out and cracked a portion of the air open. "Is that you can't stop me?"
"You wanna bet?!" Luffy demanded, spreading his legs apart and crouching down, preparing to pump his calves—
SLAM!
Only for a metric ton of something to slam onto the roof and obscure Luffy's line.
Luffy winced in confusion as he snapped his arm up to guard himself from the dust cloud that the mass's meteoric entrance had kicked up. A tsking sound caught his attention, and he lowered his arm enough to catch sight of a large gray wolf with a large scar over its left eye, a black Fu Manchu mustache, long hair in a queue, and a black jacket and tie that covered very little of its chest, standing where Blueno had been.
Or, more specifically, standing on where Blueno had been. And on Blueno, too, for that matter.
"Tsk tsk tsk," the wolf tutted in a condescending tone of voice as he shook his claw in Blueno's face. "Sorry, Blueno, I know that we've only just met again after five years, buuut the fact is that there's no chance that I'm gonna let you do that."
"Ergh…" Blueno coughed up a mouthful of blood as he struggled to try and work himself out from under the wolf-Zoan's foot. "Jabra… you… What the hell do you think you're doing…?"
In an instant, a wave of sadness and regret swept over the wolf's muzzle. "It was many years ago when I was young, on an island far away—!"
"WILL YOU CUT YOUR DAMN BULLSHIT ALREADY, YOU FLEA-BITTEN—GUH!" Blueno's furious roar was cut off by a massive furry palm slamming his head into the rooftop. Said palm then closed into a fist around Blueno's head and lifted him into the air, in spite of how much he tried to struggle and flail,
"You want the truth, you two-bit one-trick pony?" Jabra snarled as he held his comrade close to his muzzle. "Fine, here it is: If you tell Spandam about what's going on, odds are that that spineless coward will order us to fall back and regroup. He'll take Nico Robin to the Gates, and he'll take Lucci with him so that when Straw Hat inevitably charges after him, he's who he fights, while we are left mopping up the scraps."
Jabra marginally loosened his grip on Blueno's head before strengthening it, causing his fellow agent to jerk in pain. "Fuck. That. Fuck Nico Robin, fuck the World Government, fuck that spineless piece of subhuman slime we call a chief, fuck the mission you all fucked up, fuck the power rankings, and above all else?" Jabra drew his hackles back into a blood-hungry snarl. "Fuck Lucci. This brat is mine. I've wanted my ten rounds with him since that Back Fight, and I'll be damned if I let Lucci have them instead. I want a hunt that can fucking fight back, and I am fucking getting it! So, stay the hell—!" The massive Zoan wound his arm back and uncoiled in a single smooth motion, sending Blueno crashing into the parapet lining the roof. "OUT OF MY WAY!"
The Door-Man coughed up a mouthful of blood as he tried to pull himself up, only to collapse as his body gave up the ghost and plunged him into sweet oblivion.
The wolf-man snorted in satisfaction before cracking his head back and forth and shooting a cocky grin at the other conscious person on the roof. "So. Straw Hat Luffy. Nice to meet you. The name's Jabra of CP9, and what you see here is the result of the Mutt-Mutt Fruit, Model: Wolf." His cocky grin grew to savage proportions as he spread his arms and flexed his muscles in anticipation. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for a chance to fight you."
Luffy didn't move from where he'd been standing throughout the entire conversation, his hat tilted down to mask his expression.
Jabra twitched irritably, his smirk fading back to a more casual habitual scowl. "Hey! Are you paying attention?"
"He was your friend."
Jabra's ear flicked in confusion as he heard a faint growl. "What the—?" His ears then folded against his scalp when Luffy suddenly looked up at him and glared.
A decade back, Vice Admiral Garp, AKA 'Garp the Hero', had personally come by the Tower of Justice to tear CP9 a new one for a particularly civilian-casualty-heavy mission.
That had been the last time Lucci had ever willingly disobeyed orders in any way, shape or form.
Jabra had known that Straw Hat could drop the idiotic smile in favour of rage with the right incentive; he'd been counting on it. But he sure as hell hadn't counted on the glare he was seeing now mirroring the same intensity he'd seen in that monster that the Marines had labelled a Vice Admiral.
Luffy ground his teeth as he had just managed to restrain himself. "That guy," he reiterated with a voice full of unholy wrath. "Was your friend. He was your friend. And you hurt him." Pure hellfire flared in Straw Hat's eyes. "Just so that you could have a chance to fight me?"
Jabra swallowed heavily and prepared to open his mouth. He prepared to rebut the pirate's assumption with an explanation about how this sort of thing was par for the course for Pol agents, how Blueno's injuries were comparatively minor and that he'd be fine in a couple of hours, how there would be no lasting hard feelings in the end…
And then he reconsidered. He remembered the Back Fight, he remembered the psyche profile the agents had been given on Straw Hat… and with more adrenaline than blood in his veins, he donned his smirk yet again. "And so what if I did?" he rumbled in a pompous tone. "That pathetic weakling. He spent the last five years as a bartender, and all for what, to fail at the eleventh hour? Heheheh… HAHAHAHAHA!" He threw his head back and roared with mocking laughter. "Hell, I bet he doesn't even remember how to fight anymore! He's pathetic! Useless! A disgrace to Cipher Pol No. 9!"
He kept laughing uproariously for a minute before trailing off into wheezes and chuckles. He wiped some tears out of his eyes before casting a mocking smirk at the pirate. "What the hell does it matter to you?"
His amusement then proceeded to die a painful death as he became acutely aware of the horrendous mistake he'd just made. Before, the most infamous rookie of this generation had mirrored Garp. Now? The old man paled in comparison to the glare he was faced with now.
And this feeling only redoubled when the pirate dropped into a crouch, knees bent, his right fist cracking the roof beneath him, and his left out to his side, holding a somehow menacing pipe out and at the ready.
"GEAR," Straw Hat Luffy rumbled savagely. "SECOND."
'I just fucked up.'
Those were the last thoughts to run through Jabra's head before his field of vision was filled with fists, and he was forced to start fighting for his life.
-o-
"And even if he isn't, then he will be after he gets his teeth on some meat," I shrugged casually as I held a Marine in a nice and tight chokehold. "Also, remind me, how long am I supposed to hold him for after he stops moving, three seconds or five?" That comment got the guy flailing even harder.
"Three, I think!" Kiwi called as she retreated from a Marine who was going a little nutso with his sword.
"And for the record," Mozu continued as she got behind the Marine in question and cut him down to size. "I'll never understand how Straw Hat's body treats meat like a miracle cure-all!"
"That's one of—! Oh, for the love of God, how long can you hold your damn breath!? Screw it." I slammed my fist into the back of the bastard's head, thankfully knocking him out and allowing me to drop him. "Anyway, where was I…"
"How Luffy's carnivore metabolism is one of THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD? Though I'm confused as to IT COUNTS AS MANMADE OR NATUR—INCOMING MORTAR!"
"HOLY!" I yelped in a panic as I dove into the dirt and narrowly avoided being blasted to smithereens. I spent a second staring into the ground with my hands clasped over the back of my head before looking up with a dark scowl. "Right, that's enough of this bullshit. Soundbite, connect me to the cavalry so that we can shove a horseshoe up these bastards' asses."
"GIMME A second!"
I shoved myself to my feet and retreated back from the front lines of the fight, allowing the Franky Family to fill my space as I got myself some breathing room and pressed one of my headphones' speakers to my ear.
"This is Snailmail calling Rocketman, Snailmail calling Rocketman, COME IN, Rocketman!"
"Rocketman is requesting you stop acting like the assless dumbass you are, Soundbite," Nami growled irritably.
"C'mon, baby, show me some love! I'M BURNIN' OUT A FUSE up here alone!"
"Oi!" I barked, shooting a glare at the snail out of the corner of my eye.
"Eh… mostly ALONE, ANYWAYS?" Soundbite chuckled sheepishly.
"Are you just calling to screw around or—?"
"We've managed to clear out a section for the Rocketman," I cut in. "Kokoro, the landing zone is free and clear, let him loose and bring it in!"
"Wait, Cross, you never told us what you mean by 'landing zone'!" Vivi cut in, a rather large hint of desperate panic in her voice.
"You do recall that there are no brakes on that train you're riding, right?" I grinned sadistically. "And those fences around the entrance are part sea prism stone, so they're gonna bend before Zoro, not break. Buckle up, this is gonna hurt."
"NOT A CHANCE IN—!" Nami screamed desperately.
"NAGAGAGAGA!" Kokoro cackled over Nami's enraged shout. "I suppose it's only fate, isn't it? This bronco was made for you guys! EVERYONE HOLD ON TIGHT, NAGAGAGAGA!"
"Don't even think about it you old—EAGH!" Vivi's own protests were cut off by what I could only presume was a sudden burst of acceleration.
I spared a moment to laugh about Nami's apparent panic before throwing out a Soundbite-enhanced whistle, garnering the attention of the Franky Family fighting around me. "EVERYONE CLEAR SOME SPACE, WE GOT INCOMING REINFORCEMENTS!"
While the 'humans' of our crew had the good sense to comply and clear a space, Kashi made the most unwise choice of pausing in the middle of the island's main street and glancing back at me in confusion. "Eh? Reinforcements? Really? Where are th—?"
WOOOOOOT!
"What the—!?"
Kashi had just enough time to look up in shock…
CRUNCH!
Before Rocketman plowed straight into the middle of his face, bounced off, and skidded down the street.
I eyed the upended trainwreck for a second before looking over Kashi's insensate and groaning form. "We didn't just lose one of our major big-hitters, did we?" I called up to Oimo.
The club-wielding giant waved his hand with a scoff. "Are you kiddin'? Kashi's taken more headshots than most of our old crew combined! He'll be fine!" He then proceeded to cover his mouth as he snickered in amusement. "Though… I don't think a lot of giants are gonna think that being the first giant to be hit in the face by a sea-train is all that 'honourable'!"
"'Crew you, Oimo…" Kashi blearily groaned.
"Told you so!"
"Moving past the stupidly high resiliency of giants," Lulu piped up as he shoved a spike of hair protruding from his chest flat and caused a new one to pop from the top of his skull. "Are you sure that your friends are alright? After all, that was a pretty hard landing, and the Marines are starting to swarm the train."
I levelled a flat look at the shipwright. "Have you been paying any attention to the SBS? I give it all of five seconds before that swarm gets swatted."
"FOUR, THREE, TWO—!" Soundbite crowd.
KA-BOOM!
My grin went from ear to ear as the side of Rocket Man's car blew itself out, blasting away all of the Marines nearby and allowing a full host of utter demons to storm out and start laying waste to the ranks of our enemies. "Ah, I love my crewmates."
Paulie swallowed heavily and wiped away the sudden layer of cold sweat he'd acquired as he watched my crewmates inflict more damage on the army of Marines in the course of three minutes than we all had in the past ten. "…In case it hasn't been said enough? So glad that we're fighting with you monsters instead of against. I don't think Water 7 or Galley-La would have survived if we were on opposite sides."
"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Soundbite cackled in agreement.
I started to snicker anew at the irony, before freezing in abject terror as I felt a wave of what could only be described as pure existential dread sweep over me. I promptly adopted a 'deer in the headlights' maneuver as I caught sight of Carue stalking towards me, Nami and Vivi both on his back and an aura of rage and murder around them; I honestly wasn't sure if I was hallucinating, if it was actually visible, or if Nami was just generating thunderclouds for effect.
"N-Now, guys, look—" I backed up desperately as the two dismounted and started approaching me.
"Cross…" Vivi began, before shrugging with a sheepish smile. "I admit my fault: that was actually kind of fun."
I blinked in surprise and more than a little confusion before freezing in horrified realization. Horror that became nothing short of utter terror when a fist suddenly grabbed my throat and brought me face to face with the visage of the Angel of Death.
See, that aura of rage I'd seen earlier? It wasn't the aura of two women who wanted my head.
It was all from one Nami who really, really wanted my head on a spike.
"N-N-Nami, d-don't you think you're overreacting? L-L-Luffy does stuff like this all the time, and you're n-never this mad at hi—ERK!" I was cut off by her squeezing my throat shut.
"You let me ride on that death trap for your own amusement, Cross," Nami cut me off in a voice of icy calm. "Luffy is an idiot. A lovable idiot that I trust with my life. He doesn't think things through, and we have to put up with the consequences, and I accepted that when I joined this crew for good."
I struggled to keep conscious as her grip tightened. "Myergh…"
"You, on the other hand, are not only one of the smarter members of the crew, but know enough to let us steer the hell clear of catastrophes like this." Our Navigator held up a segment of her Clima-Tact and slammed her thumb into a hidden button, prompting it to light up with a crackle of lightning. "So. I'm going to give you ten seconds to give me three good reasons why I shouldn't obliterate all the progress Chopper made on getting rid of your trauma, and make Eneru look like a case of static discharge."
Her grip slackened enough that I could begin gasping out answers. "First, I knew you wouldn't die from something like that. Second, your alternative choices were coming to the front lines when I left or going with Luffy when he left, and third…" I pointed to the side, where a growing crowd of Marines was approaching and actually positioning themselves into a firing line. Whoa, that was a lot of guns! "You have plenty of other targets to take out your anger on?" I punctuated the statement with a panicky grin.
Nami processed my words with a still-enraged expression for several moments, her gaze thankfully directed at the Marines, before the aura changed direction and she let me drop onto my ass.
"I'll deal with you once we're back on Water 7," she bit out as she marched towards the Marines, assembling her Clima-Tact piece by piece as she went. "But for now…"
She finished assembling the staff and started spinning it at her side, a milky white outline appearing on the outside of the blue blur.
"These boys are mine."
The Marines chose that moment to open fire, blasting out a barrage of musket fire at us that would have no doubt incapacitated or killed at least a dozen of our number.
At least, were it not for Nami snarling and swinging her Clima-Tact forward with a furious bellow. "EISEN TEMPO!"
A barrage of foamy white surged from her staff as a result of the motion, writhing and flowing for a second before coalescing into an earthbound cloud-like barrier between the Marines and us. However, as cloud-like as the barrier appeared, the fact that we weren't reduced to swiss cheese by a hail of gunfire indicated that they'd failed to break through it.
Nami held her position for a scant second before allowing herself a grin. She then swung her arm out, causing the cloud barrier to surge out in turn and shove over two dozen Marines off their feet. A sweep to the side and the fallen Marines were sent tumbling into a massive pile, clearing the way for the clouds to surge forward again and start lashing out at the Marines behind them. The clouds in question attacked like a poor man's Smoker, growing and lashing out at who or whatsoever it chose that came near it and then flailing about in a thoroughly ruthless manner.
But that wasn't the most disturbing part of the display. The disturbing part was the wielder of the cloud herself. Nami's growing grin and the way she was swooping and twirling her staff around her body with increasing style and complexity were reminiscent of a demonic orchestra conductor… or a witch.
Of course, Soundbite was helping to reinforce the latter image with a stupidly familiar song:
"Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble~"
"Yeah," I nodded in equal parts wariness and awe. "And by the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way co—ACK!"
Nami remained gleeful a full minute into her performance before pausing and allowing her expression to darken as she caught sight of what few Marines were still standing begin to turn tail and run. "Oh, no no no nooooo…" Nami crooned sadistically, a roaring fury igniting behind her eyes as she swung her staff around her body and caused a new aura of clouds to coalesce around her. "You think that after all that you've done to our crew… after all you've done to my friends…" She chuckled mirthlessly for a second, and then the clouds darkened and started to rumble as she scowled. "No. No, you bastards don't get to run away!"
With that, she swung her Clima-Tact behind her and conjured a pillar of thunderclouds. The pillar angled itself like a scorpion's tail as it faced the Marines, and with a jerk of the staff, the pillar split itself in half lengthwise, opening up an empty space within which lightning crackled and danced.
Nami slowly cracked her neck back and forth in preparation. Then, in one deft move, she jabbed her staff forward to point at the retreating Marines.
"Lightning Bolt Tempo."
And just like that, the cloud snapped forward, and the wrath of the heavens themselves was unleashed upon those poor, unfortunate souls. I swear that I actually managed to see outlines of their skeletons once or twice, but for obvious reasons, I wasn't able to appreciate the sight quite as much as I would have liked… to which Nami remained perfectly oblivious. She took in the sight of the charbroiled Marines for a few seconds before squealing and jumping in a clear display of joy as she hugged her staff like it was the Hope Diamond or her newborn. Either or, really.
"Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! This thing is so utterly, totally and completely awesome and it's all mine mine mine and I am never ever ever letting it go ever because I loooove it like I've never loved anything since Bellemere and Nojiko and the crew and I love you for giving it to me, Cross, thank you so so so much!" she squealed and sang euphorically. She then spun around and snapped a finger to point at me. "But don't think that means I've forgiven you yet either, you inconsiderate bastard!"
"No effing kidding, woman!" I choked as I grappled with the freaking Eisen Hand that was holding me a foot off the ground as it WRUNG MY NECK!
"Nami!" Vivi demanded as she yanked on the white hand's fingers, an effort that was completely and utterly ineffectual on account of how the damn thing was as solid as iron! "I've been mad at Cross plenty of times, but this is going too far! Let him go!"
"Wha—!?" Nami snapped her gaze to her staff in shock before shaking her head desperately. "B-B-But I'm not doing this! Or, well, I-I-I don't think I am?!"
It was at that point that a portion of the arm strangling me split off and started punching me in my freaking face! "I—OW!—SORELY—OW!—BEG—OW!—TO DIFFER—OWOWOW!"
"I-I-I don't—!" Nami shook her head desperately.
"Maybe becaushe of you'we deep psychowogicaw connecshion with meteowology, yoah subconscioush mind, yoah 'Id', ish ushing the Eishen Cwoud as an outwet to intewact with the physhical wowld and enact yoah wepwessed fwustations with Cwoss?"
We all paused and snapped an incredulous look at the speaker.
"Whad?" Carue gave us all a flat look. "I wead some a' Choppah's books when I've got nothing else tah do, shue me."
"Riiiight…" Nami drawled before glancing at her Clima-Tact. "So… how do I…?"
"Wemove the outwet, I guesh," the duck shrugged helplessly.
"Ah…?"
"DROP THE DAMN STAFF!" Vivi, Soundbite and I roared, though I more squawked than anything.
"R-Right!" Nami yelped as she forced her fingers open and dropped her Clima-Tact. She then slapped her palms together in front of her face in apology. "I-I'm so sorry about that, Cross, I'd never go this far, I swear!"
"Then why the HECK ARE YOU still doing it?!"
"Wha—GAH!" Nami yelped in shock when she noticed that her palms weren't together, due to the fact that her other hand was still holding the staff. Or so it seemed through my rapidly blurring vision.
Our navigator promptly snapped her grip open and dropped the Clima-Tact again… and then reeled back again as she noticed that her other hand had snatched up the staff. The process repeated itself almost half a dozen times as Nami tried to rid herself of her weapon in vain. Ultimately, Nami drew her arm back and desperately flung the Clima-Tact away, going so far as to watch as the metal rod clattered down the street.
She turned around and pumped her fist in victory before staring at the staff clutched in her fist with equal parts exasperation and terror. "I think that I might have a serious problem…" she whispered numbly.
"YOU THINK!?" Vivi and Carue screeched. I would have joined them, were it not for the fact that I wasn't taking in enough breath to do more than gasp at this point.
"Oh, for the love of—THAT'S IT!" Soundbite barked indignantly, sliding his way onto the mass of clouds, crushing my throat. "I'M TAKING MATTERS into my own TEETH! GASTRO-BLAST!"
The clouds promptly blasted apart and dropped me on my ass, allowing me to suck air down my abused throat. "Gah...that was way too close!" I gasped.
Nami promptly snapped out of it and grabbed her own wrist, visibly concentrating on her fingers as she brought her Eisen Cloud to heel so that it was merely hovering around her body like some kind of meteorological halo. "Sorry about that, Cross," she apologized with a sheepish grin. "Good thing I didn't activate the lightning, right?"
I showed her just how little I appreciated my good fortune with a roadkill-flat glare. "You're getting therapy from Chopper," I ground out.
She promptly hung her head with a sob. "Aye-aye, sir…"
Nodding firmly, I turned my attention back towards the rest of the crew, who had taken the liberty of subduing anyone who still fought back. Interestingly, there were at least a dozen of them who were kneeling on the ground, weapons gone, hands raised in surrender, who looked unharmed.
I got to my feet and made a beeline for those soldiers. "Lemme guess," I piped up with a cocked eyebrow. "You guys all got wise to the fact that there's no chance in hell that you're going to stop us, and you decided to take the easy route?"
Most of them nodded, some in shame, some in fear. One, however, looked up with a defiant expression. "I have no illusions about us being able to defeat your crew. But Cipher Pol No. 9 is a different story, and they're waiting for you in the Tower of Justice. We'll see if you're still confident when you start fighting against them."
His tone was firm, but not condescending; it was clear that he was speaking from his faith in the organization he followed. So I almost felt bad about what I was about to do next. Spot the keyword in that sentence.
"Really, now?" I crouched down so that I could look the soldier in the eye. "Well then, Marine, here's a question for you: did you happen to see CP9 when they returned to base?"
"No, but if you're going to spew some nonsense about defeating them before they even got here—"
"Oh, no, nothing like that… though not for lack of trying, I assure you, they just managed to run away like the cowardly bitches they are before we could stop them. But!" I snapped a finger up when the soldier started to open his mouth. "That's off-topic. Tell me, Marine: do you know how many CP9 Agents were meant to be on the Puffing Tom upon its return to base?"
The Marine jutted his chin out proudly. "Five. Add the three already here, and that makes eight agents ready and willing to put you pirate scum to death."
My grin widened at the words and only got wider as I slowly turned my head to regard the soldier's neighbour, who'd suddenly gone pale. "I think your friend might have something to say about that, Marine."
The defiant soldier glanced at his neighbour and jerked in shock. "What the—? Jenkins, what's—?"
"F-Four…"
"Huh?"
The panicked soldier slowly turned his head to give the other Marine a terrified look. "I-I-I saw the Cipher Pol return… a-and there were o-only four agents with them! N-Nero was missing!"
And just like that, the defiance bled out of the soldier, and he, too, paled in horror. "Y-You mean—!?"
I pressed my advantage by grabbing his collar and bringing him face-to-face with me. "My Paramecia Captain has made a habit of eating Logias for breakfast, Marine," I whispered malevolently. "What the hell do you think he's going to do to a Zoan?"
The Marine stammered and shivered where he was sitting. I opened my mouth to say something further—
"Leave 'em alone, Cross."
And promptly snapped a look over my shoulder as someone slapped me on it. "Do I have to?" I whined.
"But of course!" Soundbite snickered before switching to using my voice. "After all, it's cruel and unusual to torture poor, defenceless pests like them. Save it for the poor, defenceless ASSASSINS!"
"Aww, that's too bad…" I grabbed the defiant Marine's cheek and tugged on it. "After all, they're so cute when they're terrifi—OWOWOW," I yelped in agony when a vice grabbed my ear and started yanking me along.
"Save your unholy skills at mental torture for the ones who deserve it, Cross," Vivi rolled her eyes with a sigh as she dragged me behind her.
"Owowowow, yes, yes, fine, alright, I will! Just let me go, damn it!" I hollered as I staggered after her.
"Dot dot dot dot! Huh? A CALL at a time like this?" Soundbite said, unperturbed by my current predicament. He shrugged as Vivi finally released me, allowing me to stand up and rub my ear in an effort to assuage the pain. "AH, WELL. GO FOR THE SBS!"
"Kak kak kak," chuckled a very familiar, very old and, at the moment, very annoying voice. "Seems like they haven't been easing up on you at all. Thanks a lot for the constant proof of how effective my medicine is, Cross! I've been able to triple my prices thanks to you!"
My eye twitched viciously as I fought to keep myself under control. "Shouldn't you be off extorting someone half your age, you old bat? Like, oh, I don't know, Whitebeard?" I snarled.
"KAK KAK KAK KAK! Please, as if that brat is anywhere close to—!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, you're breaking up, buh-bye!" I yelped as I hastily chopped a hand across my throat, prompting Soundbite to drop the connection with no small amount of cackling of his own.
"Oh, was that Doctorine?" Chopper asked eagerly as Vivi and I walked up to where the rest of the crew was assembling.
"Yeah, it was," I grumbled as I adjusted my slightly-askew cap. "Sorry I didn't let you two chat, but I've already ticked off the Whitebeard Pirates once in my life, I won't risk repeating the feat even by proxy."
In unison, every single one of our allies outside of the crew sagged in relief, prompting me to glare at them in irritation. "Do you really think I'm that stupid?"
"Considering the fact that we're in the middle of an invasion of Enies Lobby that you're broadcasting to the entire world?" Kashi groused as he rubbed his slightly crumpled nose. "Yes, it's good to see that you're not completely insane."
I rolled my eyes before returning my attention to our current situation and scanning around the area. The only Marines and agents conscious were the ones that had surrendered, and there were unconscious ones by the hundreds, almost as far as I could see. Considering how long we had been talking without being interrupted, I had figured as much, but it was nonetheless surprising that the elites hadn't been called out yet. Sure, some of these guys may have had enough sense to know they couldn't beat us, but I didn't expect everyone to just lie down and rely on CP9 to handle us.
"Soundbite, can you hear anyone nearby?"
The snail concentrated and then grimaced. "Damn, they're running out of my range FAST. BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE PLANNING ON SETTING UP DEFENSIVE LINES en route to the courthouse!"
"They're trying something that almost has half a chance of working instead of charging us directly?" I asked incredulously.
"Eh, the Government may be arrogant, but they're not stupid," Oimo shrugged. "Back before we started working here, the protocol was that if there was an overwhelming attack from pirates, the plan would be to fall back, set up defensive lines and wait for reinforcements from HQ. I guess it was just a contingency plan in case one of the Emperors decided to attack."
I sighed; of course they'd have something planned for this, why wouldn't they when they knew that there were pirates who could conceivably charge Enies Lobby and have a non-zero chance of winning?
"Alright, let me think…" I muttered as I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. "They're expecting us to charge the courthouse, and we are; there's no way around that. We'll need to catch them off-guard somehow…" I glanced back at the King Bulls for a second before nodding firmly. "Alright, if we try smashing through full-force, all we'll do is run straight into a wall of steel and bodies. Would that stop us? Probably not, but it would be more than a bit painful for those involved. While I appreciate the dedication of our allies, I'd rather do this as painlessly as possible. So!" I clapped my hands together firmly. "We're going to do something somewhat inadvisable and split up!"
"BUT you never split the party!" Soundbite yelped in an affronted tone.
"I don't see anything wrong with it," Zoro shrugged.
"You would get so lost that you'd end up back in Alabasta!" Raphey snapped as she jabbed a flipper at him before grinning. "Sorry, been waiting to use that one."
"Cross, I'm sure that most of us are capable of taking care of ourselves on the way there," Lulu said. "But what do you have in mind for the end of this?"
"YEAH!" Tilestone added loudly. "WE'LL STILL BE FIGHTING THAT AMBUSH ANYWAY, NO MATTER WHAT WE DO, SO WHY IS SPLITTING UP BETTER?"
"Simple," I nodded as I addressed the bulky shipwright. "The purpose of this endeavour is to make dealing with that ambush a little more manageable. You, Galley-La men, the Franky Family, and the giants will go down Main Street and at the forefront of the Marines' sight. Meanwhile, we—" I spun my fingers around at my crewmates. "Will split up into teams and go down this place's backstreets, raising as much of a ruckus as we possibly can. While you guys will certainly draw a lot of attention on account of the size factor—" I jerked my head at the Giants and the King Bulls. "We are the main actors of this show, and so they'll be forced to split both their attention and manpower in order to cover us both. And that's crucial to our success right now."
I gestured around at the piles of unconscious soldiers. "Quantity is the only advantage that these mooks have against us; we may have quality on our side, but we're still facing down a genuine army, despite Luffy taking a him-sized bite out of them, and if we let them mine that advantage too much… well, remember that this is a time-based mission. The second that Spandam realizes he's in over his head, he'll start moving Robin towards the Gates of Justice, and if she gets there, we've lost. This is the best option we have where we both save time and come out of things relatively unscathed." I scanned over all the participants. "So… any complaints?"
None were forthcoming. Some of them looked nervous, but all nodded in acceptance nonetheless.
"Alright, then," Zambai and Paulie said in unison. They glanced at each other before Paulie continued. "It's the reason you need us here anyway. We'll meet up with you at the courthouse."
"Right. And again, watch out for mortar cannons, the Jurymen, and the—"
"Incoming!" Soundbite suddenly barked up. "Ton of them, coming in hot, HEAVY AND FAST!"
"—dogs," I finished. "Looks like Baskerville managed to get back on the ball and send them out."
"Give me five seconds with them," Zoro grunted as he turned towards the street, rolling his shoulders.
"Psh," Sanji scoffed indignantly as he lit up a new cigarette. "Give me one."
"Hold it!"
Two-thirds of the Monster Trio weren't the only ones to look at me in surprise.
"Ah, Cross—?" Conis started in confusion.
"I was actually hoping for this to happen," I said, forestalling any protests with a raised hand before glancing at my shoulder. "Soundbite, I have a request."
My snail leered malevolently. "If you can hum it and I can fake it."
I cracked my neck back and forth as I stared down the street, where blurs of movement were fast approaching. "Cry havoc and coerce the dogs of war."
Soundbite nodded in agreement. "Yes, sir. AH, AND Lassoo, Su?"
The dog-gun, whom I'd let down a minute back, and the cloud-fox looked at him warily. "Yeah?"
Soundbite's smile became downright evil. "Cover your ears."
The canines hastily slammed their paws over their ears—
FWEEEEEEEET!
Right before Soundbite let out an ear-shattering whistle.
The sheer volume of the whistle was enough to cause those humans with unprotected ears to flinch…
"OWOWOWOWOW!"
But the reaction was far more prominent in the small army of dogs that collapsed into a pile-up of writhing and agonized bodies, too distracted by their pain to even react to their riders trying to rouse them.
Vivi gaped in awe at the display before her. "Holy…" she breathed numbly.
"But wait, there's more!" I grinned menacingly before cocking my head at Soundbite. "Lay down the law, little buddy."
"Gladly," Soundbite smirked before belting out a massive, attention-drawing whistle and adopting the Voice of God. "LISTEN UP, MONGRELS! AS OF TEN SECONDS AGO, YOU ALL WORK FOR ME! I AM THE ALPHA, YOU ARE THE OMEGA! ANY PROTESTS, ANY REBELLIONS, ANYTHING LESS THAN COMPLETE AND UTTER SUBMISSION, WILL BE MET WITH IMMEDIATE AGONY. GOT IT?"
There was a moment of stunned confusion as the wolves muttered amongst themselves and some of the savvier riders tried to unlatch themselves from their mounts. All of a sudden, one of the foremost wolves managed to work itself to its feet and snarl at us.
"Listen here, you slimy little—!"
FWEEEEET!
"YEARGH!" The wolf collapsed into a flailing mess, clawing at his ears in agony as the rest of the wolves shrank away in terror.
"ANY OTHER TAKERS?" Soundbite drawled with a flat tone and look. He then re-donned his usual smirk when the rest of the hounds shrank back and bowed their heads fearfully. "THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. Now, then… your marching orders are simple…" An evil glint entered Soundbite's gaze. "Regarding every last Marine and World Government soldier on this island: RIP AND TEAR… UNTIL IT IS DONE."
For a moment, a brief moment, the hounds merely looked blankly at Soundbite. And then, one and all, the same bloodthirsty grin played over their faces. I heard more than a few mutters of "Sorry, Boss Jabra", but soon enough, the wolves turned tail and darted down the street and into sidelong alleyways, dragging their helpless riders along with them.
I grinned confidently as I turned around and dusted my hands off. "And that's that."
While most of our allies were staring after the wolves and at me in horrified shock, a lot of my crewmates were just straight-up jaded.
"You do realize that you are a legitimate monster, right, Cross?" Su asked with a cocked eyebrow.
"And damn proud of it, considering where I started from and who I'm directing it all towards," I smirked back. "Now, then, what say we divvy things up, hm?"
"I call dibs on going with Oimo and Kashi!" Usopp spoke up hastily, in a tone that contained, admirably enough, marginally more eagerness than fear.
"I'll second that notion, though we'll be fighting street-level!" Boss thumped a fist to his chest. "Your strategy's as good as any, but someone's gotta hold the line and damn if we're not gonna be a part of it! Right, boys!?"
"HELL YEAH!" the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad pumped their fists in agreement.
"Who else…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully before adopting an impish grin as I started to glance towards our resident Monsters.
"What does it matter?" Zoro grumbled. "Wherever we are, nobody's going to put up a good fight until we get to the Tower. I think I'll just walk straight there."
"For once, I agree with the Mosshead," Sanji added with an indifferent shrug.
"Then in that case, maybe you two can take the time to team—GRK!" I froze in terror and stared at the blade and leg hovering within inches of my face. "OK, OK, I won't speak mad—er, that kind of madness, just no more physical therapy!"
"Ah, Sanji!" Vivi hastily piped up. "Considering just how… treacherous this endeavour will be, would you mind acting as my escort alongside Carue?"
"AT ONCE, MY DEAREST PRINCESS!" Sanji called out as he spun over to her.
"Yo, Mosshead!" Su had the courtesy to yap up. "Your swords versus my girl's guns. Want to see who can get the higher headcount?"
"What!?" Conis yelped in shock.
Zoro, for his part, leered eagerly as he rested his arm on his swords' hilts. "Sounds like fun to me."
"Now, wait just a second—!"
"Loser swabs Merry's deck for a month."
"Fine by me, puffball."
"Stop making bets without my say-so!" the gunner wailed, flailing her arms frantically.
Su's very mature response was to stick out her tongue.
I blinked at the sudden turn of events, but then shrugged and turned towards the remaining crew. "So, Nami, Chopper, you two with me?"
"No complaints here," Chopper piped up, while Nami simply nodded.
"Right, then, let's get going. Godspeed, everyone."
And with that, we all split up and headed off. Chopper and Nami followed me down an alleyway and into a nearby side street.
"So, Cross," Chopper spoke up hesitantly. "Coming with you is all well and good, but are you sure that we can handle ourselves against that many Marines? I mean…" He fingered the bandoliers of vials he had strapped across his chest. "I only have so much ammunition, even if I can make more on the fly…"
"And in case you hadn't noticed…" Nami held up the hand holding her Clima-Tact, prompting the clouds flowing around her to form into a hand and wave… for all of a second before lunging at me, at which point she grabbed her own wrist and hastily brought them back under control. "I'm still trying to keep this little doo-dad under control here! Is this really the best of ideas?"
"Absolutely!" I confidently assured them. "In fact, I even have a plan! Ah, but first!" I hastily snapped a finger up. "Apropos of nothing, Soundbite… Are there any mortar emplacements within your range at the moment?"
Nami and Chopper paled for every bit that Soundbite and Lassoo grinned.
-o-
"Puru puru puru puru, Puru puru—KA-LICK!"
"Hello?"
"C-Commodore Smoker, Captain Hina! This is Master Chief Petty Officer Coby calling in from Marineford HQ! I apologize for calling at such a late hour, b-but I have new orders for you from Fleet Admiral Sengoku himself! As of this moment, you have been reassigned from running patrols in Mid-Paradise! You are to gather your crew and present yourselves at Enies Lobby ASAP!"
The two Marines exchanged carefully sculpted looks for a moment, the name of the officer ringing familiar to them as one of Cross' recommendations, before Smoker regarded the snail with a sigh. "Apologies, Master Chief Petty Officer, but you've caught us at a bad time."
"W-Wha—!?" Coby started to squawk in a panic…
"EXCUSE ME?!"
Before the snail suddenly roared indignantly, its apoplectic expression took on a golden sheen in the process. For a moment, the two Marines flinched back; upsetting Sengoku was on the brink of suicidal… but then, with what they were doing, so were they.
"YOU HAD BETTER HAVE THE BEST EXCUSE OF YOUR CAREERS FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO REPORT IN HERE, OR ELSE I'LL HAVE YOU ASSIGNED TO SCRUBBING THE OUTSIDE OF IMPEL DOWN FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE CAREERS!" the hellish Buddha roared.
Hina shivered in horror as she tried to get her nerve back. "Terrified, Hina is very, very terrified…" she whispered to herself before steeling her back. "Our sincerest apologies, Fleet Admiral, but we've beached Smoker's ship and my fleet for a routine cleaning of their hulls."
"We began the cleaning process an hour ago," Smoker picked up as he procedurally ashed his cigar. "And the un-beaching process will take too long. By the time we reach the Judicial Island, I'm sure that the action will be over and we'll be left with half-cleaned ships that we'll have to re-beach." The Smoke-Man cocked his eyebrow. "What sounds like a better use of our time to you, Fleet Admiral?"
There was a pause as the snail ground its teeth to dust before the glow died away and the Fleet Admiral managed to speak in a slightly calmer voice. Or at least, rather than speaking with unconcealed murderous rage, his voice held badly-concealed murderous rage. "Move up your plans, finish cleaning your ships as fast as your hands can manage, and set sail to receive further orders. Am. I. Understood?"
"Yes, sir," the officers saluted swiftly.
The connection cut out a second later, and Hina allowed a smirk to grow on her face as she sank back into the lawn chair she was seated in, stretching her arms above her head with a few grateful skeletal pops as she allowed the rays of Tenedores Island's eternal sunset to wash over her. "You know, it took more control than I care to admit not to say 'How could we have known that the Straw Hats were going to try assaulting Enies Lobby?'"
Smoker sighed as he sank back into his own chair, but the corners of his mouth twitched upward nonetheless as he held up a glass of vividly colored alcohol to his old friend. "Here's to the Straw Hats kicking the World Government's teeth in, and Rooster potentially kicking a World Noble's teeth in if I understood him properly. Here's hoping that they survive."
"Kan. Pai," Hina enunciated calmly, clinking her own glass against Smoker's and taking a drink before glancing over her shoulder. "Well, you heard the man! We need to have enough progress done on our ships to fit our timelines! Hop to it, and make sure not to miss so much as a spot!"
"AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!" the Marine soldiers currently working on the undersides of nine of the dozen battleships shouted back with no small amount of venom.
"Grnrghrghghhh…" Jango growled beneath his breath as he furiously scrubbed the brush he was wielding against a particularly resilient patch of barnacles. "Would someone mind explaining to me why we're working ourselves to the bone when the whole point of this little ruse is for us to drag our damn heels!?"
"According to Commodore Smoker," Tashigi bit out as she maneuvered Shigure around the snapping jaws of several still-living meter-large barnacles in order to stab them through their shells, her tone clearly saying that she wanted to replace the word 'Commodore' with something far less endearing. "Just because we're putting up a false pretense is no reason for our work ethic to suffer. Of course, seeing as both he and Hina are Captain-grade and higher, apparently their work ethic has already been proven!" The last word was emphasized with the decapitation of yet another bottom-feeding pest.
"That, and the fact that we have every reason to avoid any more suspicious behaviour than we have to," Fullbody grumbled as he shook his aching knuckles out. "Though personally? I think that those two can take their precious 'work ethic' and shove it up their—!"
"Problems, you three?"
"SIR, NO SIR!" the Marine Officers barked in barely concealed terror.
"Good," Smoker huffed as he relaxed in his lawn chair before directing a look at the Transponder Snail. "Now, try and keep it down. We're about to return to some primetime entertainment."
As he turned back to the SBS, he reflected on the fact that he was actually considering a pirate radio to be primetime entertainment. A year ago, he would have hung up without a second thought, deeming any pirate a criminal not worth listening to.
Now, however…
Smoker grinned viciously as the sounds of all-out warfare erupted from the mouth of the snail.
Now he could think of no better pastime than to hear the World Government get its teeth kicked in.
"Give 'em hell, Straw Hats…" he muttered beneath his breath.
-o-
"Ship sighted, captain!"
"Alright, good!" Bartolomeo called up to the lookout. "Apis, are you ready for this?"
The young girl glanced down at the snoozing Transponder Snail in her lap before taking a deep breath and nodding decisively, her fingers still buried in her companion's mane. "As ready as I'll ever be."
Bartolomeo nodded back and waited, Apis's eyes shut in concentration. The ship crept closer and closer, completely unaware of the nearby pirate ship. Finally, Apis' eyes opened, and Bartolomeo jerked his hand down. "Alright. Fire!"
The cannons on board the Cannibal fired towards the oncoming yacht. It was one of those newfangled steamships capable of moving without sail power. Of course, considering the expense and fragility of the steam engines, only a Celestial Dragon could afford one, and even by their standards, it was a clear vanity project. More importantly, it lacked sails so it could look pretty, and was propelled by a pair of large paddle boxes on the sides of the ship.
All of which meant that when a half-dozen cannonballs smashed into the paddle box and reduced it to so many splinters, the ship was completely dead in the water. Bad design, that, but what else could one expect from a vanity project yacht, designed by Nobles for Nobles?
"They're sending the distress signal, captain," Apis reported, her eyes scrunched up in concentration as she clutched Kula's shell, the snail in question half-awake and blinking blearily. "I'm trying to talk to their snail now."
"Pull us alongside!" Bartolomeo barked. "Valentine, you're up!"
The lemon-clad woman immediately jumped off the mainmast, floating over to the yacht… at which point she went to her full 10,000 kilograms and smashed into the ship, buckling the sides and throwing shattered planks into the air. With the onboard security's response thoroughly FUBAR, the helmsman had no problem bringing the Cannibal a hundred yards off the yacht's side.
Stepping up to the railing, Bartolomeo crossed his arms in his usual pose, a shimmering barrier crossing the gap between the two ships in a nice, even platform. "Alright, go go go!" he barked.
"Wait!"
The ex-mafia boss glanced back at Apis. "What?"
"I've got the snail!" she reported. "He'll cut off the distress signal, but only if we bring him with us." She scowled darkly. "Apparently, the Celestial Dragons treat Transponder Snails as well as they do anyone else. On a very related note, I'll take five minutes with whoever's on that ship when you're done with them."
"Noted. And you heard that, Gin?" Bartolomeo confirmed.
The ex-Krieg pirate nodded before joining the stream of pirates heading over towards the Celestial Dragons' ship. Bartolomeo himself waited a few more minutes before hopping onto the barrier and running across.
He found a scene of complete and utter pandemonium. True, the Celestial Dragons had, of course, brought a security detail, and in spite of the fact that they rarely if ever saw any action due to no one in the world being stupid enough to attack the World Nobles, they were relatively decent, too. But against his pirates, in the dead of night? They were outnumbered and outmatched. Whether they had been shot, stabbed, slashed, crushed, or blown up, the majority were scattered, unmoving, over the shattered deck.
BANG!
Bartolomeo sighed as a bullet pinged off the barrier he'd reflexively thrown up. He turned around to look at a rotund, mustachioed man holding a smoking pistol and wearing a bubble helmet, way-too-tight briefs, and little else. A young, equally scantily-clad slave girl was held in the Celestial Dragon's other arm, her gaze tight with fear.
"Aw, geeze, man," Bartolomeo groaned, snapping a hand up to cover his eyes. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get rid of memories like this? This barrier can block a lot of shit, but psycho-whosits torture isn't a part of it!"
"Psychological," Mr. 5 provided as he dug out more ammunition from his nostrils.
"Yeah, that."
"How dare you, assaulting my ship like this!" the Celestial Dragon roared back. "I'll give you one chance. Submit to being my slaves, or be tossed into the deepest, darkest depths of Impel Down!"
Gin answered for them all by punching him in the face, shattering his helmet and dropping him like a sack of potatoes.
"Aw, c'mon, Gin, I wanted to do that!" Bartolomeo whined. "Plus, I'm the captain, I got first dibs!"
"I stopped putting my captains on pedestals after my last crew," the tired-eyed man scoffed as he rolled his shoulder. "Anyway, you can kick him in the ribs for all I care. I've got my pound of flesh."
"Still, though, it's the principle of the damn matter!"
Mr. 5 sighed as Bartolomeo and Gin got into another squabble, and carefully took the slave girl, standing petrified next to the downed World Noble, by the shoulders. "Did he really think he could take us?" the former agent drawled, more to himself than her. "I suppose it doesn't matter. Now, let's see if I remember how to pick this kind of lock…"
"Kyaaaa!"
All eyes turned to the hole in the deck as a screaming and flailing Miss Valentine was launched out of it by a mountain of a man dressed in a black suit and sunglasses, a Marine overcoat with Captain's insignia on top and a massive silver halberd in his hands.
"Pirate scum," he rumbled, winding up a swing at Bartolomeo. The halberd promptly shattered upon the barrier, and the Captain only had time to widen his eyes before Gin and Bartolomeo negligently lashed their respective tonfa and force fields at him, slamming him into the water, and not missing a beat in their argument.
"—And do you know how much fun it is to feel the cartilage breaking under your bare hands?!" their captain demanded. "I think you do! And that just makes it worse!"
"Nggnn…"
"Shut up, you!" Bartolomeo barked, stamping down on the groaning World Noble's face. "You don't get an opinion!"
"Those two are monsters," Mr. 5 muttered as the lock finally clicked under his hands. "There we go, you're free to—"
"LOOK OUT BELOW!"
"—what the—?"
CRASH!
"Owww, that never gets any better…" Miss Valentine griped as she rubbed her ass before holding up the torn, battered skeleton of her parasol before her eyes. "But also totally not my fault! Will you look at this?! The damn bastard shredded my umbrella!" She reached up, and then growled as she found something missing. "And I lost my hat, too! Someone tell me where that bastard is so I can get Mr. 5 to kick his ass!"
"I'll get right on that…"
The female assassin blinked and looked around in confusion for a second before turning her gaze downwards to observe the thoroughly stunned Mr. 5 she was sitting on. "Oh. Uh… oops?"
"Captain and Gin knocked him into the drink, anyway," Apis said as she floated over on Lindy's back. "Please tell me one of you idiots got the Transponder Snail?"
"Right here, Miss Apis," one of the crew members reported, holding out the snail in question.
"Good job," she said, taking the snail and stroking its neck. "Now, where is that World Noble—hurk!" She cut herself off when her eyes fell on the rotund, near-nude form of the man in question. "Ooookay, never mind. I wouldn't make Lindy touch that bastard with a ten-foot pole."
The juvenile Millennial Dragon in question warbled out a sickened groan of agreement.
"—And that's why you're the biggest jackass I've ever met, and that's saying—!"
"Hold that thought." Bartolomeo cut his first mate off with a pair of crossed fingers and a barrier, ignoring him as he pounded on the invulnerable wall in favour of addressing Apis's presence. "You ready for the next step, pintsize?"
"Anything besides looking at that man again," the young girl muttered, before glancing up into the sky. "Now, where are… There you are." The Devil Fruit user waved her hand up at the sky, in response to which a seagull floated down from where it had been circling the ocean, letting out a caw of annoyance.
"Yes, yes, I know," the girl sighed, rolling her eyes and pulling out a slice of bread that she tossed to the seagull. "Feel any better?"
The gull's cawing suddenly took on a much more pleasant-sounding tone.
"Yeah, that's what I thought," Apis rolled her eyes with a scoff. "Okay, Captain, we just need to follow the gull."
"You heard her, boys!" Bartolomeo barked. "Let's get out of here before a Marine Admiral shows up!"