On any other day, the streets of Enies Lobby would have been a perfect example of the clockwork perfection of the inner workings of the Marines and the World Government: Paperwork filed neatly and precisely, drills practiced to perfection, and an ever-present garrison of soldiers just waiting for an opportunity to fight to uphold the Justice of the World Government!
However, in truth, this was merely the surface of Enies that was presented to the world. In truth, the state of Enies was far less impressive. After fifty years of pirates never managing to so much as scratch the gates that Oimo and Kashi guarded, the soldiers of the Navy and the World Government had started to view Enies Lobby as little more than a vacation posting. Protocols were relaxed, drill schedules dwindled away into nonexistence, and ultimately, the island fell lax.
This laxness bit the Marines in the ass on the day that the Straw Hats attacked, and it bit them hard.
This was evidenced in the panic that was sown amongst the Marines as they desperately scrambled to prepare some form of defensive line in order to face the onslaught of pirates that they just knew was coming their way.
Credit where it was due, it was impressive enough that they'd managed to muster enough coordination to form any kind of line at all, but the endeavor fell apart in the most vital step of all.
"What do you mean you haven't done bayonet drills in ten years?!"
"Mortars! Where are those damn mortars?!"
"You call that a line? My five-year-old could make a better line than that! And does, on the wall, every single day!"
"Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no—!"
That is to say, the execution.
Still, lack of practice aside, the men of Enies were still soldiers, so even if their coordination was lacking, it wasn't as if it was entirely nonexistent. As such, the soldiers were just starting to make some actual headway…
"H-Hey! HEY! PIRATES! I SEE PIRATES COMING!"
When a lookout stationed on a rooftop just had to go ahead and kick the hornet's nest again.
However, before the soldiers could start to panic, one of the officers present in the mob cut through the chatter with a sharp whistle.
"BELAY THAT, SOLDIERS!" he roared as soon as he had the majority's attention. Every Marine present froze, and the officer nodded in satisfaction. "Well. Looks like you, lumps of lard, do have a few scraps of discipline left in you. And as for you…!" he barked up to the lookout. "Marine! How many pirates, and what weapons do they have?"
"Ah…" The lookout peered down the street hesitantly. "I, ah… I see three—!"
"You heard the man! Now, we might be outnumbered three to one, but—!"
"Ah, sir? That's not quite right. We… actually outnumber them."
"Huh? But you said that you saw three hundred of them!"
"No…"
It was at that point that the pirates in question rounded a corner and came into full view.
"I said that there were three, period."
And indeed, much to the surprise and bemusement of the Marines, that's all that there were: One orange-haired woman with a metal staff and a nimbus of clouds floating around her, one short, fur-covered Zoan wearing a top hat with vials strapped across his chest, and one man wearing a baseball cap gripping a large cannon with one hand, a baton with another, and carrying a grinning snail on his shoulder.
Just three pirates, no more, no less.
And yet they managed to terrify all one hundred of the soldiers with the smiles they were sporting.
To be fair, however, the smiles the pirates were sporting were far from normal. Well, no, that wasn't quite true. They seemed normal, at first glance. But a longer look revealed lips drawn just a little too wide, cheek muscles just a little too tense, and far, far too many teeth for comfort. And the eyes, oh, the eyes! Those smiles reached the pirates' eyes, and many a Marine wished they didn't, for the eyes glinted with a mix of sadistic glee, mean-spirited mischief, and plain old-fashioned murderous hate. What their eyes said about those smiles was absolutely not something to contemplate.
In short… the pirates made up for their numerical inferiority by sheer bowel-loosening terror.
Whispers were swiftly born amongst the uneasy ranks of the Marines.
"T-That snail—! T-That's Jeremiah Cross, a-and Soundbite!"
"Oh no, oh no, there's nowhere to hide anymore, oh no, oh no—!"
"Y-Yeah, and that woman! T-That must be their navigator, Nami!"
"That cloud… R-Roronoa must be right, she really is a witch!"
"Don't look her in the eye, lest she take your very soul and make you pay interest to get it back!"
"T-Then that monster with them… i-it's the mad doctor, Chopper!"
"Don't let him take me alive, shoot me if you have to, just don't let him take me alive!"
FWEEEET!
The Marines were shocked into silence when a shrill whistle pierced the air from the direction of the pirates, drawing all of their attention back to them.
"Hello, Marine dipshits!" Jeremiah Cross's grin took on a taunting tone as he mockingly saluted them. "We're on our way to the Tower of Justice to go get our crewmate back! You poor saps all have the misfortune of happening to be in our way, but the fact is that you're not the ones we're here to utterly destroy. So, you all have two options: let us through…" The man's grin widened as his baton suddenly started crackling with electricity. "Or get whipped. What'll it be?"
"W-We're not afraid of you pirates!" stuttered one of the Marines with what little courage he could muster up. "T-There are a hundred of us here now, and our reinforcements will be here in a minute! T-T-There are thousands of us on this island, your lives are forfeit!"
The pirates took a second to glance amongst themselves and exchange grins before starting to chuckle morbidly.
"Reinforcements?" Cross snickered as though he'd just heard a joke.
"Y-Yes!" the Marine reiterated, his stutter belying just how confident he really was.
"Oh, please," Nami scoffed as she shook her head in pity. "Let me share with you one of the things I've learned in my years of hunting treasure: quality is better than quantity… though both is even better…" She trailed off into silence as she stared off into nothing, a slight trail of drool escaping her slack smile. She was quick to recover when Cross whacked the back of her head, though, her smile shifting to sheepish.
"I prefer quantity, myself; after all, you need large sample sizes for true SCIENCE!" Chopper grinned menacingly.
"The point we're trying to make," Cross cut in, smirking as he spun his baton into his pocket. "Is that it just really doesn't matter how many warm bodies you throw at us, because we're going to cut through them anyway to get to our comrade. The best way to put it… well." Cross shrugged helplessly. "Allow me to put my own spin on an oft-rehashed quote: 'Yea, though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we will fear no evil…'"
Cross suddenly shot his hand up and snapped his fingers, prompting a flurry of introductory pipe organ notes to ring out as Nami swung her Clima-Tact in front of her. The Marines recoiled in horror as a mass of impenetrable haze that had been hiding between the buildings of the street surged into the open to loom above the street like the shadow… of…
Several Marines actually did lose control of their bodily functions as they made a most unfortunate leap of logic.
Beneath the shadow of the cloud, the light was angled in just such a manner that it illuminated Cross's smile, expanding it to face-consuming proportions and making him look not like a demon, but a walking, half-decomposed corpse.
"For we are as death itself."
The Marines had all of one second to let the phrase run through their terror-addled minds before a medley of bone-rattlingly loud voices suddenly began roaring.
"FIRST YOU SEE US… THEN YOU DON'T!"
The Marines froze as one and started to pant in terror as the fog suddenly surged past the pirates and consumed them, reducing the world to what they could reach out and touch.
"NOW YOU HEAR US… now you WON'T!"
The company of Marines jumped in shock when an uproar of noise erupted from everywhere around them, so utterly chaotic and maddening that it was impossible to determine where one noise started and another ended. The Marines tried to regain some semblance of normality for one second, two seconds, three…
Then, all of a sudden, dozens of shadows appeared all around them, towering and glaring down at the Marines, the noise and their roars now taking on a hellish rendition of song.
"IT'S OUR SECRET OF SURVIVAL IN A VERY NASTY WORLD!"
One of the ranking officers opened their mouth in an attempt to bark orders over the pirates' din…
"Guess you should have figured out some secrets of your own."
He was promptly silenced by a metal-clad fist crushing into his mouth and laying him out flat.
"NOW YOU FEEL US… NOW YOU CAN'T!"
Overwhelmed, the Marines began frantically firing and slashing at the shadows. Some faded, others turned out to be fellow Marines, and yet others began contorting in the most inhuman of manners. One in particular distended for a brief second before seeming to burst out of the brume, the very clouds snaking out to grab one of the soldiers before flailing him around like a ragdoll, downing almost a dozen more Marines before flinging him into a wall with stone-shattering force.
"ARE WE REAL? PERHAPS WE AREN'T!"
One of the larger shadows suddenly surged forward and rammed dead into the center of the soldiers, massive fists flailing and laying low Marine after Marine without fail. However, the moment the Marines tried to take aim at it, the figure vanished into nowhere. The next second, the Marines were flung into an almighty panic, half on account of the air being ripped apart by numerous explosions erupting from… well, everywhere, the other half on account of their comrades suddenly collapsing to the ground with syringes sticking out of varying parts of their anatomy.
"IT'S OUR SECRET OF SURVIVAL IN A VERY NASTY WORLD! IT'S OUR SECRET OF SURVIVAL IN A VERY NASTY WORLD!"
One particularly skittish soldier gulped. "Is… Is it really such a nasty world?" he squeaked semi-hysterically.
Unfortunately for him, he received an answer in the form of a fist grabbing his collar and jerking him forward so that he was face to face with a pair of viciously grinning faces.
"Oh, yes," the smiles crooned in a tone that was way too calm for the sadistic glee it contained. "A very nasty world." And with that, the larger of the two smiles surged forward and caved the soldier's nose in before dropping him and moving on.
"Nastier than you could ever dream of!"
"From up above!"
Lightning lanced down from above onto the Marines, shattering what little cohesion they had left.
"And from beneath!"
A figure suddenly leaped out of the low-hanging fog, taking only a few seconds of grappling to jerk him down and out of sight, where, in spite of all the madness being broadcast, everyone could hear the sounds of the poor man screaming as his bones shattered.
"Eyes and jaws!"
Unseen by anyone, a diminutive figure measuring at a little under three feet dashed in amongst the legs of the Marines, an almost negligible pair of blades clutched in his hooves that he lashed out, slicing shallow but very precise cuts. The only sign the Marines ever received that he existed was when they suddenly collapsed without warning, their limbs refusing to comply with their desires no matter what they did.
"Claws and teeth!"
The fear factor ramped up another full degree when a dog of all things suddenly leaped out of the low-hanging fog obscuring the ground from sight, leaping onto one of the few officers left standing and dragging him down into the fog in a flailing ball of fear and fangs.
"Ready to attack you, you're a Mook, you'd better run! Don't come fighting with a pirate if you haven't got a gun!"
Devilish cackling filled the air as one of the few remaining Marines attempted to crawl away from the madness, shakily removing a Transponder Snail from his jacket and doing his best to ignore the hellish hymn going on as he fumbled for the button hidden on the shell he knew would cause the snail to start bawling out an SOS. He then regretted the action when the snail started literally bawling in his hands.
"Every creature for survival has to look out for itself! Got no nannies here, or grannies, dear, to look after your health!"
The next line faded out as a chorus of bloodcurdling screams rang out, illusions of what looked like loving, motherly figures surrounding them contorting into nightmares straight out of Lovecraft. "Pickupickupickupickupickup—" the soldier muttered feverishly.
"—AND EVERY CHILD COULD TELL YOU THAT YOU'VE GOT NO BRAINS TO INTERFERE!" bellowed the voices. By now, the snail seemed to be getting nauseous from all of the sweat on the man holding it, who was currently in the process of running for the nearest building. As the voices let out a growing moan, he slammed the door behind him, and mercifully, the other end picked up.
"Lieutenant Sims here, what is your emergency?" drawled a bored voice over the line.
"First you see us… Then you don't…" came the voices from outside, just audible enough to still be terrifying.
"I-I-I-I n-n-need r-reinforcements! H-Help! S-Someone, anyone—"
"Now you hear us… now you won't…" came the whispers again. "It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world!"
The Marine's shuddering redoubled as he stared around in terror. "W-W-We're completely outmatched, we're b-b-being torn apart by the b-boatload, oh no, oh God—!"
"H-Hey, hey! Pull yourself together, Marine!" Lieutenant Sims barked hastily. "Hurry up and talk some sense, damn it!"
"Now you feel us… Now you can't!"
"Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God-oh-God—!"
"DAMN IT, MARINE, WHO THE HELL IS ATTACKING YOU!?"
"Are we real? Perhaps we aren't!"
"DEMONS!" the Marine howled in terror. "T-THEY'RE DEMONS, THEY'RE FUCKING DE—!"
"Demons, eh…"
The Marine trailed off into a terrified gurgle as a metal-clad hand suddenly snagged the back of his skull and held it tight.
"Demons… Pffhahaha… you know, I actually really like that. Yeah… Tony Tony Chopper, Nami, and Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite: the Demon Trio. I really, really like it. It's, shall we say… appropriate?"
The soldier could only whimper as the metal fingers slowly increased their pressure upon his scalp.
"See, on the crew, we already have what we call 'The Monster Trio'. Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji. They're our top three fighters, our monsters. You see them, you immediately know that you're doomed because they can destroy you in a second. They're monsters, they're immediate threats, it's just who they are."
The Marine's whimper devolved into a squeal when a pair of toothy smiles filled his peripheral vision. "Ah, but demons… demons are normal, you see. They walk like normal people, talk like normal people, laugh, cry and love like normal people… Until you piss them off. Until you make them take off their mask and they show you what lies beneath. Because when that happens…"
Cross suddenly reared the Marine's head back—
CRASH!
—and slammed it straight through the nearest table he could find, crushing his head into the floorboards below.
"We give you nothing short of hell itself!" Cross snarled at the yet-active Transponder Snail.
The Snail's response was to roll its eyes up in their sockets and keel over with a whimper.
Cross blinked in surprise before chuckling sheepishly as he scratched the side of his head. "Damn, I think I scared myself a little there," he admitted. However, he then paused in his ministrations and allowed himself yet another grin. "Still, though… the Demon Trio… heheheh… I'll have to run that by them…"
And with that, the Pirate spun on his heel and started walking down the street.
"It's our secret of survival, secret of survival, secret of survival," he sang beneath his breath as he strolled back into the fog, spinning a crackling rod of metal in his fingers as he went. "It's our secret of survival in a very, very, very nasty world…"
"So nasty…" the fog purred in agreement as it swallowed him whole.
-o-
Apoo's eye twitched furiously as he stared at the yet-grinning Transponder Snail. "Apapa… well, if I didn't think it was a dumb idea to try messing with Cross before…"
"Ah, C-Captain, are you sure about this?"
"Eh?" Scratchman Apoo blinked as he was brought back to the there and then before glancing over at the crewmember next to him, who was practically quaking in his boots, and scoffed. "Bah! It's three ships! And the highest-ranking officer is a Commodore! Perfectly manageable." He sent a pointed glance at the Transponder Snail on a table next to him. "Of course, that's if our intelligence is correct."
"Hey, don't underestimate our intelligence skills!" the mask-sporting snail retorted indignantly. "This is accurate as of yesterday, I'd bet Porche's makeup kit on it!"
"Not if you want to remain a man, you won't!"
Apoo rolled his eyes as Foxy and his first mate descended into their third argument of the conversation. "Why did I have to scrape the bottom of the barrel… bah, anyway. Did you at least dig up some information on what the officers are capable of?" he asked in an attempt to get things back on track.
The line was occupied by the sound of scuffling for a few more minutes before the snail re-donned its mask and spoke up again. "Right, right, where's that file… Ah, got it! Task Force Cerberus. They're a rapid response force for this part of the Grand Line, supposed to be able to respond to any disturbance in a matter of hours." He snorted with a grim scowl. "Not surprised Sengoku is recalling them; if he has more than fifteen battleships able to sortie in a few hours' notice at Marineford, I'll eat my own boxing gloves. Anyway, they're led by Commodore Blakely. She's an expert with wires, and recently upgraded from steel to that newfangled Wapometal for more versatility. Very, very dangerous, on the fast track for promotion to Vice Admiral."
The Roar of the Sea's exasperation promptly morphed into wariness. "Apa… and… you know this how, exactly?"
The long arm's gut dropped when the grin on the other end suddenly became one that he had grown to associate with Cross. "Oooh, a few ways. One is that I have quite the extensive crew who don't all wear their masks 24/7 and who write reports upon returning from bar-hopping during shore-leave." Foxy's grin redoubled. "Another is that Blakely has a tendency to be sloppy with her paperwork, and a new friend of mine was kind enough to share his contacts with me recently. Very… feh feh feh, well-placed contacts, shall we say?"
Apoo's wariness snapped straight to full-on dread. "Remind me, what the hell is your bounty again?!"
"FEEEEEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH~!"
"Er, captain? The other two officers?"
"—FEH FEH FE—" The laughter abruptly cut off in favour of a sharp cough. "R-Right, moving on to the two Captains. One of them is Narwhal. Big guy, very strong, wields a supersized bazooka with special ammunition. Oh, and it's also a hammer. Needless to say, he's their primary long-range firepower. Then there's Lazor. He wields a pair of bladed tonfa, and he's quite good with them. Those two are strong for Captains, but, well, they're still Captains. No match for a pair of powerful crews like yourselves."
{You got that damn straight!}
Apoo glanced at the other captain he was sailing with and nodded in acknowledgment. "Captain Dugong agrees with you, Foxy."
"Of course he does! I know what I'm talking about! FEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"
Captain Dugong turned away from the masked Transponder Snail to shoot a flat look at Apoo. {Remind me how you got involved with working with us, again?}
Apoo grimaced and glanced at the cackling snail. "Because I slipped up when I talked to the damn bastard on my way here and he figured out that I'm really friends with Cross." He paused for a second before shrugging and tilting his head side to side. "Aaaand I figured out that he's actually a subordinate of the Straw Hats, so for all that he's arrogant and I'm a bit ticked off that he's not here with us so as to maintain his anonymity, it's not like he's actually that bad of a guy."
"FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH!"
Both Apoo and Captain Dugong glanced at one another with twitching eyebrows as Foxy continued to cackle at his self-proclaimed "genius". Before they could do more than that, though, another Kung Fu Dugong soared out of the water and landed on the deck, before lowering himself into a low bow to Captain Dugong.
[Captain, sir!] the Dugong barked. [We've located Task Force Cerberus, and the Great Kung Fu Galleon and its consorts are in position!]
[Good work!] Captain Dugong replied. [Prep the ships for action and wait for the signal!]
[Aye-aye!] And with that, the dugong bowed again and dove back into the water.
{We're good to go,} Captain Dugong signed to Apoo, followed by a series of numbers. {Is that sufficient for navigation?}
"Should be," was Apoo's reply. "Alright, we have our course! Bearing 308 degrees, maximum sail! Gun crews are to man the cannons!"
"Aye aye, captain!" came the decidedly unenthusiastic reply.
Captain Dugong quirked an eyebrow at that. {Are you sure they'll fight?}
"They'll fight, much as they grumble about me being utterly nutso," Apoo replied with an enthusiastic grin. "Gotta get them used to my stunts somehow, right?"
"FEH FEH FEH FE—Oh, wait, is that—? Feh, heh, what a coincidence, we just spotted our target, too! I'll call you guys back once we're done so that we can meet up and have some drinks! On me, of course, because we're gonna be swimming in Marine alcohol once we finish with this raid! Good luck to you, my friends! FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FE—KA-LICK!"
Captain Dugong and Apoo rolled their eyes as the Transponder Snail clicked off, and the two settled back to keeping an eye on the horizon as the Stay Tuned tacked on the course set. It wasn't long before the sterns of the Marine battleships came into view, under full sail. Sadly, whatever the virtues of the Marine battleships, with their broad, deep, and very heavy hulls, speed was not one of them, and the Stay Tuned was rapidly gaining. The Marines, naturally, noticed this and began to turn around to face them.
"Captain…" one crewmember whined nervously.
"Wait for it…" Apoo muttered.
"Captain!"
"Wait for it…"
By now, all three battleships were broadside to the Stay Tuned, their gun turrets lumbering around to point some very large-calibre cannons at them.
"CAPTAIN!" the crew shouted as one.
"Alright, alright! Bunch of wimps…" Sighing, Apoo put his fingers to his lips and blew, producing a deep, reverberating sound that seemed to vibrate the whole ocean. Then it passed, and for a moment, nothing happened.
Then, out of nowhere, three ships—one old, battered, and wearing its barnacles proudly, and two that would have passed for Marine ships were it not for their new turtleshell-pattern paint jobs—surfaced right underneath the Marine task force's keels, lifting the battleships under the combined force of their surfacing and the muscle power of the Dugongs manning them.
Of course, as physics dictated, what goes up must come down, and the battleships promptly fell off and onto their sides.
"Apapapapapa!" Apoo cackled as Marines began to swarm over the battleships' exposed side, snapping into the first stance of the Double-Joints Martial Arts Style. "Ready for a fight, Cappy?"
Captain Dugong smirked eagerly as he held his flipper out to his side. His first mate was swift to fill the waiting palm with a rod of green steel, a shimmering, curved blade coming out of one side. Captain flexed his flipper around the naginata, spinning it around his form enough times that, were he even marginally less skilled, he'd be sliced to ribbons. Not to mention the railing suddenly acquiring a wood carving of Captain Dugong himself, popping a thumbs up.
"Apapapapapa! Great answer!" Apoo cackled, putting his boot up on the railing. "Now… let's do this!"
And with that, the two Captains leaped over the edge of the ship and straight into battle.
-o-
"…OK, Cross, be honest with me: how long were you planning that horror show back there?" Nami asked at last, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder as we strolled down the street and away from the scene of utmost carnage we'd created not a minute earlier.
I chuckled grimly as I folded my arms behind my head. "Come now, guys, you really think that with literally all of the thousands of inside jokes from my home at my disposal, Soundbite and I haven't planned at least a few dozen instances just like this for scenarios just like these? I thought we'd take advantage of a bad situation and, you know, have a little fun." I tilted my head to grin at them. "You saying you guys didn't have fun, or that you don't like the little badass moniker I came up with for us all?"
Nami glanced away with a slight blush as she scratched her cheek. "…More than my sanity is willing to admit…" she muttered sheepishly.
"For the sake of my Hippocratic Oath, I think I'll refrain from answering," Chopper deadpanned as he stared straight ahead.
"Still say that we should be a QUARTET," Soundbite sniffed in faux indignation.
"Not a chance, our crew is composed of Trios, and that is an immutable fact," I scoffed as I waved my hand casually. "To change that would be to irrevocably warp the fabric of reality itself."
"What about the TDWS?" Chopper pointed out.
"Pre-packaged, doesn't count."
"Still—!"
"Before we can start arguing over semantics," Nami cut in. "Does anyone know how far we are from the courthouse?" Her expression and clouds both darkened as she shot sidelong glares at us. "And any commentary on my position or my abilities will be met with pain, got it? Just tell me when we'll hit the—"
She cut herself off as we turned a corner, revealing the courthouse looming larger than life over a rather impressive courtyard that was currently a scene of one-sided carnage as the rest of our small force demolished the last remnants of the Marine defence force.
"…courthouse. Well, that answers that. Should we join in?"
"Eh, I dunno," I snickered, crossing my gauntlets behind my head. "Personally, I've already had my fill of petty fights for the moment. I'm fine with enjoying what's left of the show."
"Speak for yourself!" Lassoo howled as he leaped off my shoulder and charged into the fray with bloodthirsty eagerness.
Chopper watched the hound go with a slight twitch in his eye. "Our whole crew is just a bundle of neuroses, isn't it?"
"But they're our neurotics, so it all balances out," Nami pointed out with a dry chuckle.
"Anyway, let's start walking; by the time we get over there, they should have finished and reached the front doors," I chuckled, taking my own advice and striding up to the massive structure.
And indeed, the time that we arrived at the doors, carefully picking our way around piles of downed Marines stacked like cordwood, was the same time that the rest of our crewmates reached it.
Of course, the first to greet us was a certain Hurricane of Love spinning up to grab our Navigator's hands.
"NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji cheered exuberantly. "I'm so glad to see that you were victorious in your battles! And might I just say that your clouds make you look as truly angelic as dear Conis herse—!"
THWAP!
"Ow!" Sanji flinched before rubbing the back of his head with a sheepish chuckle. "Ah, sorry, Nami-Swan, I was just so happy to see you again, and—eh?" Sanji cut himself off and stared down in confusion at the arm-like bands of cloud wrapped around him. "Uh…?"
"Grgrggh, stupid damn—!" Nami hissed in an embarrassed tone as she all but strangled her wrist.
"Pfhehehe!" I snickered behind my fist. "I take back what I said before: no need to bother yourself with getting therapy, this is just too much fun!"
THWAP!
"Ow!" I flinched and chuckled anew as I rubbed the spot where the cloud had clocked me over the head. "Though admittedly I'll have to watch what I say around you, but eh, small price to pay."
THWAP-THWAP!
The pair of blows, organic and meteorological alike, only made me laugh harder.
Soundbite, meanwhile, shot a cheeky grin at his fellow shoulder-rider. "HOW'D THE headcount contest turn out?"
"Alas!" Su put the back of her paw to her forehead with an exaggerated sigh. "Alas, my dear companion put up an effort most valiant, but she lost by a matter of dozens! I'm afraid that she'll be swabbing poopdeck for the foreseeable future."
"And I'll be using your stupid fluffy tail to do every inch of it!" Conis growled vehemently, strangling the air as she glared bloody murder at her companion.
"You'll have to catch me fi~irst," Su sang as she swished her tail back and forth.
"Good luck hiding WITH ME ON the case!" Soundbite leered mockingly.
"Oh, I imagine that my task will be much easier once I have myself a little slimy snack." The cloud-fox emphasized her point with a snap of her fangs.
The boisterous gastropod responded with his own chomp. "Bring it on."
"Oh, you know I wi—!"
"Unless the peanut gallery has anything meaningful to add," Zoro thankfully interrupted, causing the animals to flinch and grin self-consciously. "Let's move on before the damn bastards who have been trailing us in the shadows catch up to us. Agreed?" There was a moment of muttered agreement from us all. "Good. Leo, you want in on this?"
"A chance to deface yet more Government property?" Leo grinned eagerly as he spun his katana into a ready position. "Hell yes."
"Hey, hey, hey, hold on a second, you guys," I said hastily, jogging up beside them. "Go ahead and slash the doors, if you must, but leave the pieces in place, alright? I need a second to tell everyone what's up next."
The human and Dugong glanced at one another in confusion for a moment before shrugging indifferently. They then moved, and while the door looked intact, I could definitely feel a stiff breeze coming through it.
"Alright, then, everyone gather up!" I raised my voice, garnering the attention of pirates, shipwrights, King Bull, and thugs alike. "Phase one, the approach, is complete," I announced calmly. "Phase two, commencing ingress, proceeds as follows: we the Straw Hats head inside and towards the roof, where Luffy should be waiting for us, and the rest of you work on pulling the levers, located in the towers of the courthouse, in order to lower the drawbridge while keeping as many mooks as you can from following us, and making sure that they don't stop the bridge from lowering. Though don't sweat it if you can't…" I grinned maliciously. "We'll still have a way in even if the bridge gets stopped. Everyone clear on the plan?"
Once more, everyone nodded in agreement.
"Glad to hear it! Now, then…" I gestured at Lassoo, prompting him to pad over me and leap into the air, allowing me to catch him and point his cannon-form at the door. "If you'll pardon me, I'm going to take this opportunity to say Number 9 on my List Of Things I Want To Say At Least Once In The Right Context™, which I composed after saying number one awhile back! And yes…" I tilted my head with a grin as I narrowed my eye and steadied Lassoo. "You did hear a trademark in that. FIRE!"
KA-BOOM!
I strode through the gaping hole in the courthouse's doors as the smoke and rubble settled, Lassoo balanced on my shoulder, and a shit-eating grin on my face.
"Order in the court," I announced confidently.
"Oy vey…" I heard Nami groan behind me.
"You swiss-cheesy motherfucker!" Soundbite guffawed.
"Hey, it's a quote bucket list for a reason!" I chuckled as I looked through the settling dust.
It took me a minute to get past the fact that there was a large group of mooks looking at me, and the sheer scale of the courthouse; seriously, I'd been in more than a few impressive churches in my time, and damn, but this place was on par with Notre Dame in sheer stature. Then I turned towards the three-headed judge who was standing nearest the front, debating the appropriate course of action with himself. Then, questioning my sanity in every way possible, I proceeded to open my mouth…
"Oh, a princess!" I cried, pointing at the center head.
Soundbite's expression promptly fell into poleaxed confusion. "UHH… are you quite SANE?"
Meanwhile, the central head gained a demure grin. "How sweet of you to notice," he purred.
The next instant, naturally, found the other two heads slamming into him. "DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM, YOU RABBLE-ROUSER!" they roared at me.
Soundbite shifted his look to the cerberus-human. "THE HELL—?"
"Oh, so that's why the Central Freeway is closed for repair, because you keep headbutting it," I called out in a tone of realization.
"Precisely!" the center head said, only to be bashed again.
"SHADDAP!" the two other heads growled before turning to me. "AND THE SAME TO YOU!"
My snail promptly 'ah'd in realization. "Now I get it! THEY'RE ALL INSANE, aren't they?"
"Exactly! Though the one in the middle is easily the worst. I wonder if I can mess with them a little—!" THWACK! "OW!"
"You're taking too long, Cross," Zoro growled as I clutched the back of my skull in agony. "You're the one who keeps telling us that time isn't on our side. Start taking your own advice."
"Ugh, spoilsport," I grumbled as I pinned him with a stinkeye. "Hey, we're coming up on a bit that's as serious as the grave, and I wanted to have a little more fun before we got into it, sue me!"
"GLADLY!" yelled Baskerville and several onlooking soldiers as they drew their weapons.
My eye twitched in annoyance as I remembered where we were and stepped out of the way. "On second thought? Slice 'em up. And when it comes to the big boy, either aim horizontally or go straight down the middle."
"Right," Zoro grunted before adopting a familiar stance. Then the air began to ripple around him and his swords. Any other instance, I'd probably be wondering how the hell he managed to pull this move off.
"Three Sword Style: Charming Demon Sleepless Night…" Zoro's eyes flashed malevolently. "ONI GIRI!"
But right now? I was quite content to watch as the Marines fell like rain, Judge Baskerville included.
"Now," Zoro grunted as he re-sheathed Wado Ichimonji. "Let's get going."
"Lay on, MacDuff," I said, sweeping my arm forward before glancing over my shoulder at Nami. "Or, well, Lady MacDuff as it were."
"Not so fast," growled a trio of voices, and I turned with annoyance but not much surprise to see the three part-giants pushing themselves back up. Their outfit had been reduced to tatters, but they seemed hardly worse for the wear, judging by their glares and steady stances. "Court is in session."
"We plead guilty, and sentence ourselves to breaking out of Impel Down if we lose to CP9, and freedom if we don't," Sanji drawled.
"COURT DISMISSED! BRING IN THE DANCIN' LOBSTERS!" Soundbite cackled.
It was a true testament to the trio's synchronicity that all three of their foreheads erupted with infuriated veins at once.
"You dare to pass judgment in our courtroom?" Bas snarled.
"Such impudence!" Kerville growled around grinding teeth.
"In this sacred house of justice…" 'Princess' rumbled murderously.
In a flash of motion, the trio surged forward at us, swinging their blade down like a guillotine.
"WE ARE THE LAW!" they howled.
I got ready to duck behind Zoro…
KA-BOOM!
But found the motion to be suddenly rendered moot on account of the Judge(s) whipping their blade up to block an incoming cannonball.
"Hey, now…"
Attention shifted over to Zambai as he marched up to the judge with his still-smoking bazooka perched on his shoulder, flanked by the Square Sisters on one side and Galley-La's foremen on the other.
"I realize that we might not be as photogenic as the Straw Hats," Zambai continued as he loaded a new shell in his cannon. "But don't forget that we're in on this party too. We've got our own pride to think about, damn it!" He shot a thumbs up at us with a smirk. "You guys go on ahead and save your crewmate. Just leave this clown to us."
"And by the way, here." Paulie dug an envelope out of his jacket and tossed it to me. "I'd love to stuff this down Lucci's throat myself, but I'm not that delusional. Just make sure that damn bastard gets the message. Clear?"
I grinned and gave the rope-master a two-fingered salute. "You got it. Give 'em hell, good sir!"
"DO YOU REALLY THINK WE'LL LET YOU GET PAST US!?" Baskerville roared as they swung their blade back.
CLANG!
"YOU DON'T GET A SAY IN THE MATTER!" the Square sisters shot back as they blocked the swing in tandem.
"THAT'S RIGHT!" Tilestone bellowed as he pumped his fists in agreement.
"You think we can manage the Tree Nail Lock here?" Lulu asked, hammer and nails at the ready.
"It's sure worth a shot," Paulie replied with a grin as the collective Baskerville dodged another bazooka blast from Zambai.
"Well, looks like they've got this handled," Nami announced with a confident nod. "Come on, let's get moving!"
"Right behind you, Nami-swan!" Sanji spun after her eagerly, with the rest of us dead on her tail. With my eye on Zoro the whole time, we made it to the stairs easily enough. But unfortunately, as we neared the top…
"Guilty. Guilty."
I tensed in terror as an absolutely demented voice hit my ears, and I put my head on a swivel. "Shit, those crazy-ass Jurymen! Soundbite, where are they?!"
"Ah…" Soundbite spun his eyestalks around for a second—
"GUILTY!"
—before snapping them upwards in horror. "ABOVE!"
I looked up along with him, and I very nearly lost my lunch when I caught sight of a huge-ass ball of metal falling towards us from the rafters!
"MIGHT OF DAVID!"
Up until Mikey leaped at Leo and springboarded off of his crossed blades in order to leap up into the air, gripping each of his nunchucks tightly in his flippers, and caught said ball of metal with the freaking chain!
And he wasn't alone. While Mikey leaped at Leo, Donny spring-boarded off of Raphey's sai and rocketed up at an angle, shooting right past the ball—
"HEROD'S WRATH!"
At just the right angle to spin and slam his bo-staff into the ball, sending both it and the vengeance-addled Juryman attached to it plummeting into the courtroom below.
Unfortunately, not only was the musclebound prisoner swift to get back on his feet…
"GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!"
He was swiftly joined by ten others just like him.
"They're coming out of the damn woodwork!" Raphey cursed vehemently.
Leo ground his teeth for a second as he observed the crowd of praetorian-esque soldiers before suddenly leaping over the edge of the staircase. "TEENAGE DUGONG WARRIOR SQUAD, WITH ME!"
"RIGHT!" the rest of the adolescent Dugongs barked as they leaped after him.
"Wait, what the—!? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" Boss roared after his students.
"WE'RE HOLDING THE LINE!" Leo shouted back as he and his teammates fell back to back, doing their best to keep all of their madly grinning opponents in sight. "YOU GUYS GO ON AHEAD, WE'LL KEEP THESE PSYCHOS OFF YOUR TAILS!"
Boss ground his teeth for a second before making the executive decision to snap his ropedart out at his pupils, albeit with the thermal-option deactivated. "THE HELL YOU BASTARDS ARE!"
Mikey's response was to shoot the dart out of the air with a swiftly-drawn pistol. "THE HELL WE AREN'T!" he shouted back as he aimed his pistols about. "THIS IS OUR CHOICE, BOSS! SOMEBODY NEEDS TO WATCH YOUR BACKS, IT MIGHT AS WELL BE US!"
"YOU GO ON AHEAD AND RESCUE ROBIN, WE'VE GOT YOUR SIX!" Donny reassured us with a spin of his staff.
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT US!" Raphey roared as she ground her sai together in a flurry of sparks. "WE'RE THE GUARD FORCE OF THE STRAW HAT PIRATES! IF WE CAN'T HOLD OUR OWN, NO ONE CAN!"
"AND IN THE END," Leo tensed as he held his blades at the ready. "THERE'S ONE IMMUTABLE FACT THAT JUST CAN'T BE IGNORED! TO HOLD THE LINE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY FOR THE SAKE OF ONE'S COMRADES…"
"Oh, here it comes…" Nami groaned as she ground her palm into her forehead. Still, she was smiling just as wide as the rest of us.
The quartet of warriors proceeded to leap at the Jurymen.
"THIS IS A MAN'S DUTY!"
Boss ground his teeth furiously as he watched his students brawl against the behemoths. "You little—! IF YOU BOYS DIE, I WILL PUNCH THE REAPER'S LIGHTS OUT SO THAT I CAN FISH YOU OUT OF HELL, AND PERSONALLY PUT YOU BACK THERE MYSELF!"
"GOOD LUCK, GUYS!" Usopp waved eagerly.
"DON'T FALL BEFORE THE BOYS DO, RAPHEY! GIRL POWER!" Su shouted.
"GO FOR THE GROIN!" Vivi encouraged. Every male in earshot paused long enough to shoot her a glare, the sole exception being Sanji, and even he didn't protest the many, many stink-eyes.
"Anyway, come on!" I waved for everyone to follow me as I continued up the stairs. "They've got this, now it's time that we do our part! And no cutting through the damn ceiling!" I shouted at Zoro.
"Tch…"
"WHY NOT? WHY ARE WE taking the long way to the roof?" Soundbite asked.
"Because if my memory serves me right…" I glanced upwards warily. "Odds are that Luffy is currently fighting Blueno, and we don't want to get in the middle of i—wait, what am I thinking? Can't you hear them?"
Soundbite visibly resisted the urge to somehow facepalm as he narrowed his eyestalks in concentration.
"I HEAR TWO GUYS up there besides the cap'n, and only ONE is conscious. Judging by the breath and heart pattern, BLUENO IS K.O. Currently, Luffy's fighting the other guy. Going by the fur, IT MUST BE THAT WOLF ZOAN YOU MENTIONED."
"JABRA?!" I snapped my head around to stare at Soundbite in shock.
"Yeah… but he sounds almost SCARED—OHHH, THAT'D DO IT!" Soundbite suddenly cackled ecstatically. "LUFFY'S pissed. HE'S ABOUT TO BECOME doggy kibble!"
"Wait, the wolf was mine, right? Who am I going to fight now?" Sanji grumbled.
"My suggestion? Torture Spandam for what he did to Robin," I deadpanned.
Sanji promptly combusted. "That'll work," he snarled in malevolent eagerness.
"Speaking of…" I cast a sidelong glance at Soundbite.
The gastropod's expression promptly soured. "Yeah, I got them. Robin and Franky are hurt…" His scowl morphed into a grimace. "And everything about the bastard gloating in front of them reads SCUM OF THE EARTH."
"Yeah, well—WOAH!" I hissed in panic as I suddenly slammed myself back behind a corner I'd been about to round, narrowly missing a bullet aimed for my head. "Yeah, well, take solace in the fact that we're going to make his life suck very soon. Can you tell me when he looks out his window in a panic?"
"Oh, yeah, easily!"
"Good," I flicked my baton out as I got ready to head out. "Then do that, and then we'll really be able to make that bastard squirm. For now, however?"
I joined my crewmates in charging the hapless defenders.
"GET THEM!"
-o-
"We're a few nautical miles from our destination, Captain!" Apis called down from the crow's nest. She then glanced up at the seagull wheeling away from them with a hesitant look before continuing. "And can I just say that I really don't like this plan? I've been talking to our guide, and according to him, this place's reputation undersells the reality! Birds don't even chance flying over it unless they can enter the stratosphere, and even then they consider it a gamble!"
Bartolomeo menacingly leered up at the Whisper-Girl. "So, basically, what you're saying is that it's a hellish deathtrap that no sane entity, human or otherwise, would ever dare enter no matter what?"
Apis hesitated slightly before exchanging uneasy looks with Lindy and then looking back down at their captain in dread. "Yes?"
Bartolomeo's shark-like grin all but split his face. "Perfect!"
The girl hung her head with a tearful sob. "Why, oh, why couldn't we have been saved by the Straw Hats?" she moaned dismally.
Lindy warbled thoughtfully.
Apis' head promptly jerked as the point hit her dead-on. "Oh, yeah, you're right… they would have been worse, wouldn't they?"
"You got that damn right!" Valentine and 5 called up in acrid tones.
"SHUT IT!" Barto barked at the top of his lungs before nodding at Apis and jabbing a thumb at the crew's newest Transponder Snail. "Alright, brat, get this snail to call the biggest fish it knows and let's get this show on the road!"
Miss Goldenweek cocked an eyebrow in dull interest as she watched the other pre-adolescent on the crew converse with the snail, biting into a rice cracker she was holding before angling her head towards Gin. "Remind me why we're doing this again?"
Gin maintained his own neutral expression as he angled his head towards the painter. "According to the Boss, we're calling the Marines so that we can take credit for attacking that Noble and draw whichever Admiral they send after us on a wild goose chase, which is why we're in these godforsaken waters in the first place."
Goldenweek hummed noncommittally as she sank her teeth into the cracker. "And in reality?"
Gin moaned wearily as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "He wants to taunt the Marines for shits and giggles because he thinks it's fun as hell and because it's what he thinks the Straw Hats would do."
Goldenweek's cracker snapped in half in her mouth. "…You ever wonder how the hell we got into this kind of a situation?"
"Every single day." Gin held his pose for a second before allowing a minor smile to quirk out from behind his hand. "Mind you, that doesn't mean I'd want to be anywhere else."
"Preach it," the diminutive artist drawled as she held up a fist, which Gin met halfway with his own.
"EVERYONE CLAM IT!" Barto suddenly bellowed at the top of his lungs, causing his crew to fall silent as he jabbed a thumb at the vibrating snail resting on a nearby crate. "It's ringing! We should get a connection any sec—!"
He was promptly interrupted by the Snail in question barking out a KA-LICK! and snapping to attention.
Barto turned to face the snail with a grin that was equal parts shit-eating and bloodthirsty, his arms and fingers crossed in front of his chest.
"Helloooooo, Marine Headquarters! This is Black Bart Bartolomeo, calling to—!"
"We know exactly who you are, Black Bart," came a voice that was most decidedly not Fleet Admiral Sengoku—or any Marine officer, for that matter. It was, however, powerful enough to freeze Bartolomeo in place. "And we would like to know how you managed to get hold of this number and why you are calling us."
Bartolomeo hesitated for a moment before steeling his back and transitioning his leer into a scowl. "I stole this snail off the ship of a World Noble whose nose I personally—" The hooligan-turned-pirate shot a warning look at his first mate, cowing him into silence before continuing. "Broke with my bare knuckles. I'm calling you bastards so that I can take credit for the public service I committed, and so that I can lay a message at the feet of the highest fucker on the food chain I can get my hands on."
It was a credit to the speaker that he didn't even twitch an inch as he regarded Bartolomeo by proxy with an expression akin to boredom. "And what would you like to share with us?" it requested.
SLAM!
The crew of the Cannibal jumped in shock as Bartolomeo slammed his hands on either side of the crate to better loom over the snail, his visage absolutely beastly.
"Come and fucking get me, pigs," he spat venomously.
There was a moment of silence, followed by the voice speaking up with only a trace of anger amidst the flat calm. "Well, seeing as you managed to acquire one of the few Transponder Snails in the world with a direct line to us, the Five Elder Stars, I suppose you may very well consider your message as having been received."
Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine, along with several of their crewmates, promptly fainted, whereas Gin had to scramble to simultaneously catch an insensate Apis before she could hit the deck and whack Miss Goldenweek on the back as she inhaled her rice cracker whole and started choking on it.
Bartolomeo's smile, meanwhile, dropped into an expression of utmost horror that indicated that he was only a few seconds away from voiding his bowels. However, said expression remained in place for only five seconds before his grin returned, more bestial than human now.
"Well, while I still have your attention…" he growled. "Do your fucking worst."
The Transponder Snail narrowed its eyes and leaned forward in turn. "Admiral Akainu and five battleships will be with you shortly to do just that."
Bartolomeo opened his mouth to say something else—
"WOAHSHIT!"
When a wave of pure presence suddenly swept over the deck. The barrier-man only just managed to stay conscious and catch himself on the crate he was leaning over as the wave struck him like a sledgehammer. The rest of his crew, however, wasn't even remotely so lucky. Rather, about half of them collapsed on the spot with foam bubbling from their mouths. Not even the snail from which the wave originated was spared, and the connection was cut as it too sank into blissful unconsciousness.
Bartolomeo took a few minutes to regain his senses, upon which he turned towards the only other person on the ship who was not out cold. "I think we got their attention," he said in an attempt at bravado.
"No, really? I wasn't sure. So, what are we going to do now, Captain?" Gin whispered harshly; he had no idea what that was, but neither Krieg nor Straw Hat nor anything that he had experienced since he swore his loyalty to Bartolomeo had been remotely close to that level of intimidation. It was the final confirmation to him that he was insane, if he was opposing anyone capable of doing that through a freaking Transponder Snail call.
"Now?" Bartolomeo asked before adopting an ear-to-ear sharktooth grin. "Now we run."
Gin swallowed heavily before nodding firmly. "I never thought I'd say this about retreating… but that's what I was hoping you'd say." With that, he blew out a sharp whistle and swung his arm in order to garner his conscious crewmates' attention. "ALRIGHT, EVERYONE HOP TO IT! DROP THE SAILS AND GET US MOVING, NOW NOW NOW!
It was slow going; many of those onboard were clearly in no hurry to wake up, and only the elapsed time and sailing managed to counterbalance that enough that they had enough people up and working to sail the Cannibal. The fear of what was coming was a mixed motivator; some of the crew were spurred on to avoid it, while others were too overwhelmed to stay conscious.
Eventually, however, the moment that they were waiting for (read: absolutely dreading) arrived: all at once, the wind ceased moving them forward, and the tide ceased swaying beneath them.
"So, Captain," Miss Goldenweek grit out nervously as she stared over the edge of the Cannibal at the unnaturally placid waters they were floating in. "I'll admit that the Calm Belt is probably the safest place in the world to hide from the small army after our hides; they may be able to somehow slip through with their ships, but that won't keep the Sea Kings from seeing them when they surface to get us. But there's one thing that I—and all of us, for that matter—want to know." She snapped a fearful look at her Captain. "How do you expect us to survive here long enough for Sengoku to get a leash back on the Mad Dog?"
"Hehahahaha!" Bartolomeo threw his head back and roared with laughter as he crossed his arms and fingers. "It's simple, brat! Hell, it's so simple, it's pure brilliance! See, Sea Kings are just like dinosaurs, right? And the thing about dinosaurs is that they won't go after anything that's not moving! So, so long as we don't start paddling or rocking the Cannibal too much and keep quiet for a few days until this whole mess blows over, then we'll be free and clear! Genius, huh?"
For how tense the atmosphere became, they may as well have been experiencing the air deficiency that came from the White Sea.
"And how exactly do you figure that that will work when literally nobody else has ever done that?" Valentine whispered incredulously.
"Because they're always in such a hurry to get out of the Calm Belt, of course! They never stick around long enough to try it!"
Silence reigned anew for a moment until Apis hesitantly raised a hand. "Captain… w-where exactly did you learn about Sea Kings having dynamic vision?"
"Eh?" Bartolomeo blinked at the whisper-girl in confusion. "It's an old sea legend that's been floatin' around docks of Loguetown for years. Why do you ask?"
There was a moment of utter, horrified silence as the entirety of the crew stared at Bartolomeo with a variety of emotions.
Then… the silence was broken by a pop!
In a moment, the crew of the Cannibal was at the ship's railing and staring at the waters of the Calm Belt.
Specifically, they were staring at a spot a few meters away from their ship… where a trail of lone bubbles was slowly drifting to the surface and popping, one after another after another.
"…Captain… permission to speak freely?" Mr. 5 asked in a voice that might have been calm had it not been an octave higher than usual.
Bartolomeo swallowed heavily as a sheen of cold sweat started to shine on his brow. "You know I don't give two shits whether ya do or don't."
"Then in that case…"
Yet another bubble pop!-ed…
And suddenly the ocean erupted with the bubbles of surfacing Sea Kings.
"YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING MORON!"
-o-
'Gold with anger' wasn't usually an appropriate description for unholy wrath. In fact, some might even consider such a description to be utterly ridiculous.
And if anyone in Marineford had failed to see the logic in that phrase before that day, they had it thoroughly hammered home very, very hard as their highest superior fumed in response to the numerous status reports coming to him. It was hard to tell how much of it was due to the situation and how much of it was due to the fact that it was still, to reiterate, the middle of the night.
"Admiral Akainu has departed with five battleships by order of the Five Elder Stars to apprehend 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo for attacking a Celestial Dragon vessel," Vice Admiral Mozambia reported grimly. "Admirals Kizaru and Aokiji, however, remain at the ready."
"As ready as they ever are, anyways…" Sengoku grumbled darkly as he shuffled some papers about.
"Unfortunately, that's not the only crisis we have on our hands. The Emperor 'Red-Haired' Shanks has somehow been goaded into a rampage," Vice Admiral Stainless added with a grimace. "Most of our men on the other side of the Red Line capable of getting here in a timely manner are… no longer capable."
"And unfortunately, those that were still available are now tied up in an entirely new fiasco," Vice Admiral Tsuru sighed wearily as she leaned on her cane. "Apparently, that damn up-and-comer 'pretty boy' Cavendish decided to refresh the world's memory of himself."
"Where does his bounty sit at?" the Fleet Admiral growled.
Tsuru shook her head with a sigh. "I'm afraid that in truth, he himself isn't the issue, but rather the consequences of his actions." She gave her old friend a solemn look. "He raided a tribute ship headed for Totland… right as Big Mom got a craving for precisely what it was carrying. We suspect he might have contracted some form of clairvoyance to help him achieve her current reaction."
Sengoku's shine amped up a few notches. "Said reaction being?"
"Full-on rampage, and not only is Cavendish managing to keep ahead of her, but he seems to be headed for Wano of all places. Doflamingo and Jinbe are trying to intercept her, but I think that it would be prudent to also deploy Kuma just in case, as well as some of Vegapunk's prototypes."
"As for the rest of those damn dogs," Garp growled as he rubbed the bandage wrapped around his face. "Mihawk is incommunicado as usual, Hancock is ignoring us as usual, and according to Moria's subordinates, he has Thriller Bark set on chasing that damn razor-toothed brat Drake and another big-shot rookie named Hawkins around the Triangle, which they are somehow managing to navigate. So, unless you're willing to spring Crocodile for round two—!"
"I'm not."
"Then yeah, we're out of luck where the mutts are concerned." Garp shook his head with a grimace. "And that's not all. Apparently, Hawkins, Drake, and Barty aren't the only rookies active. Unless I miss my guess, the Straw Hats' actions have incited something of a pissing match amongst all of this generation's up-and-comers. Who's on first?"
"Yeah, I got one, lemme see…" the perpetually grinning Vice Admiral Yamakaji grunted as he flipped through a report. "Alright, here we are: well, for starters, we have Jeremiah Cross's rival, 'Roar of the Seas' Apoo. He's leading the On-Air Pirates and some other crew to attack Task Force Cerberus for some ungodly reason. Commodore Blakely's fighting the good fight, sure, but last reports say that her ships were capsized, so…" He shrugged helplessly.
"Next up, we have the Firetank Pirates led by Capone 'Gang' Bege," Vice Admiral Strawberry drawled. "I'm afraid that there's no good way to put this, so I'll come right out with it: An hour ago, the Firetank Pirates managed to successfully infiltrate and raid Fort Lumose. They got away with every beri and every ingot held within."
Sengoku's eye twitched furiously for a moment before he slowly leaned forward to dig his fingers into the much-abused edge of the conference table. "Fort Lumose," he grit out. "Is the repository for all of the Navy's funding in Paradise. You mean to say they made a clean getaway with a quarter of our liquid assets!?"
Strawberry nodded his head solemnly, causing several of his comrades to hastily duck in order to avoid being brained. "I'm afraid so, sir."
"Besides that," Vice Admiral Momonga hummed indifferently as he took the time to polish his Josho Kiryu. "Captain Kid and his men are attempting to make a bloodbath out of Blackarm Island. Attempting is the operative word here; the instructors are putting up a hell of a fight. Though…" He scowled grimly. "Honestly, that's not that much of a good thing, seeing as how it's just making the conflict draw out even longer.
"And of course, to cap it all off," Vice Admiral Onigumo snarled around his cigar in disgust. "I'm sure we're all quite aware of what 'Mad Monk' Urouge did on Kyuka Island."
The assembled officers all shuddered as one. What had happened on that island was… it was just wrong.
Their revulsion was then swept aside and replaced with existential terror when the room lit up like the new dawn.
"Is there any good news?" Sengoku bit out viciously, sounding about ten seconds away from trying to punch someone, and going by how the Vice Admirals were edging away from Garp, they all knew who his most likely target was.
"U-Uh…" The Hero shed buckets of sweat as he furiously racked his brains before grinning desperately. "Still no word on the Glutton or the Surgeon! No news is good news, right?"
Sengoku snorted heavily through his nose, his mouth opening for a blistering tirade—
Until the thunking of a cane garnered his attention. "Calm down, Sengoku," Vice Admiral Tsuru prompted in a bored yet stern tone. "Remember, none of us is as young as we used to be."
The Buddha-man clenched and unclenched his fists for a moment before forcing himself to relax, huffing out a weary sigh that was filled with his tension. "Yes," he admitted solemnly. "Yes, no news is very much good news."
"A-Ah, F-Fleet Admiral? W-We have an incoming d-distress call from G-76."
Then Chief Petty Officer Helmeppo poked an arm holding a tray carrying a Transponder Snail into the room, and suddenly all that tension was right back where it started. And it then proceeded to grow as a very cocky and very un-distressed voice came through the connection.