I woke up a short while later to a recently-returned Chopper's smelling salts, and after hasty assurances that I wouldn't be having a (entirely warranted, in my opinion) panic attack, he set about checking on our still-healing crewmates while Merry observed the also-returned Sanji's experiments with eager glee. Credit where it was due, in spite of the utterly inedible ingredients he'd been forced to procure, the presentation and even the smell almost made me want to try it.
…Yeah, Luffy'd be stealing it at least once, no doubt about it. I'd have to keep my Vision Dial handy, because there was no way in hell I was missing the one chance I might get to immortalize either Luffy blowing chunks or Chopper pumping his stomach.
Anyway, once I was back on my feet—and after I dealt with the existential crisis of not having any money ever again in the foreseeable future—I got to work on the next item on my inordinately packed agenda: that is to say, contacting our other allies.
I had no delusions; the next time I spoke to MI6, I'd be telling them everything there was to tell about me, so it would be best to bring everyone in on it so that I wouldn't have to tell it again. It should have been a straightforward endeavour, really: get in, tell them to be on the lookout for a conference call with all of our allies in the next few days, move on with my life. Simple, no?
But of course, I was a Straw Hat, so simple things were rarely even close to easy for me. As such, both occurrences found me surprised with the developments that ensued. The first of these surprises came about when I first came into contact with Foxy…
-o-
"Oh? So, we're finally going to find out exactly how you know so much? Well, I'm certainly looking forward to that," Foxy grinned eagerly. "But if I may, I'd like to make a recommendation for another addition to the little Zodiac of the Damned we've been setting up."
"Zodiac of the—? Huh… that's actually a pretty good name, I think I'll steal it. Anyway, you are our recruiter, so I'll consider whoever you have in mind. Ah, who would that be, exactly?"
"Oh, I think you might know him," Foxy smirked as he waved the person at his side forward. "Care to speak up?"
"Apapapa! You know I don't! Heyo, Cross, bet you weren't expecting to hear from me so soon, eh?"
"The hell—!? A-Apoo? You—but—he—how—?"
"Oh, how I love being able to make him speechless," Foxy chuckled as he cradled his chin in a semi-cool stance.
"I think that's a universally shared opinion; it is pretty amusing," Apoo snickered as he mirrored the other captain's pose.
"Mergrgr… how much does he know, exactly?" Cross managed at last.
Foxy's charisma shattered fantastically as a heavy sweatdrop dripped from his brow. "He… figured out that I was Luffy's subordinate pretty early on, the same time I figured out that you and he were friends rather than rivals," he awkwardly admitted. "I haven't told him much beyond the fact that you and I share a sizeable number of contacts, but he was willing to keep my secret, and I figured that since you two are on good terms anyway, why not?"
The snail fell silent and slowly looked at the soon-to-be Supernova. "Apoo, I'm willing to trust you with this, but as your friend, I have to warn you: this is going to be both a massive undertaking and a perilous one. We're talking about more than just sharing contacts; if you get in on this, then you're in for the long haul. If that's fine with you—"
"Causing more trouble on the magnitude of what you and your crewmates have been pulling off over the course of your entire career?" Apoo snickered and shook his head. "Sign me up for this haul, it sounds like fun."
"…Well, Vivi certainly hit the nail on the head about your tribe, didn't she? Alright, then, you had your warning. We'll decide on your code name at the main meeting."
"I can only imagine that half of them will be thrilled to count you among our number," Foxy chuckled as he wrung his hands eagerly.
That brought the Long-Arm up short, prompting him to blink in confusion. "Wait, how many others are part of this?" he asked curiously.
"Weeeeell, for starters," Cross grinned eagerly. "I myself go by Ophiuchus. Foxy's code name is Goat. We also have one by the name of Rooster, whom I'll be calling after this, and I've recently recruited one other crew who we'll be introducing to this endeavour and giving their codename at the same time as you. Besides that, we've got six officers in the Marine Corps going by the Western Zodiac: Cancer, Pisces, Capricorn, Scorpio, and Sagittarius. I know there's one more, but because they've decided to screw with me, I know neither that officer's identity nor the codename they've elected to go by."
Cross's mouth twisted into a smirk. "Though going by my crew's luck, I have my suspicions for the former. And of course, aside from Pisces and possibly the newest officer, all of them have their own respective subordinates and crews that are also part of this."
"…Impressive," Apoo breathed as his eyes widened in shock. "Well. Definitely count me in now."
"Alright. Fair warning, though: once you've found out my secret, there's going to be no chance of turning back, and trust me, this particular rabbit hole goes way deeper than our previous arrangement. Foxy, I'll leave the general explaining to you. I need to let Rooster know about this."
"Very well. Goat out." And with that, Foxy pressed his finger into the snail's speaker cradle.
Apoo cocked his eyebrow at the trickster Captain. "So… how deep does this rabbit hole go, exactly?"
"Feh feh feh feh," Foxy chuckled grimly, shaking his head as he strolled over to the door of the cabin and cracked it open. "Hamburg! A full cask of our finest rum, on the double!" He then turned a weary smile on his suddenly nervous compatriot. "We're gonna need to get hammered for this."
-o-
After that particular surprise, I then moved on to Bartolomeo, hoping for a relatively saner conversation.
But of course…
-o-
"Puru puru puru puru—KA-LICK!"
"Rooster."
"Ophiuchus, and allow me leap straight to the point!" Cross barked. "If Pisces is to be even remotely believed, then I'm having a hard time choosing where the hell to start. So you tell me, who would you prefer to explain first, huh? The freaking Admiral or the freaking Warlord!?"
"Hehahahaha!" Bartolomeo cackled. "Eh, let's start with the Mad Dog! Not much of a story there, to be honest! All I did was punch out a Celestial Dra—"
BAM! CRASH!
"I'll keep saying it until you get it right, you shark-toothed bastard!" Gin snarled at his captain as he worked to yank his head out of the wall his first mate had punched it into. "I knocked him out! Why can't you just be satisfied with personally taunting the Five Elder Stars?!"
Bartolomeo yanked his head out of the woodwork and rounded on his subordinate with a scowl of his own. "Go choke on a cannonball, deadeye!" he bit out, flashing a sizeable middle finger with his barriers before turning back to the snail. "But anyway, yeah, not that big a deal. I just wanted to help you guys out, draw some heat off a' you, ya know? I'm sure you woulda done the same for me!"
Cross gaped silently at him for a second before chuckling softly, his mouth set in a wry grin. "Yeaaah, you're not wrong there, Barty. Credit where it's due, though, I knew you had big brass ones before, but this…" The pirate nodded gratefully. "Thanks, Bartolomeo. That took guts. You're a hell of a pirate and a damn good friend."
There was a moment of silence, during which the Transponder Snail grimaced uncomfortably.
"He's paralyzed from sheer joy, isn't he?"
Mr. 5, Gin and Miss Goldenweek shook their heads in silent denial.
"Huh… dancing a jig a little ways away?"
More head-shaking.
"…" The snail's expression fell as flat as a board. "He's bowing and worshipping before a shrine of what few bounty posters we have?"
"I'd love to call you conceited, Cross…" Mr. 5 drawled, before kneading the bridge of his nose with a groan. "But all of those are typical things he does. In this case, however…" The ex-bounty hunter cocked an eyebrow as he watched Apis idly pop bubbles coming from their captain's mouth. "He's fainted from sheer euphoria and foaming."
The snail sighed. "Ooof course he is. Well, that won't do, will it? Time for a wake-up call."
The assembled crewmates stiffened fearfully before scrambling for the snail—!
BWAAAAAAAAAH!
—and reeling back in agony when it belted out an ear-rendingly loud honk before they could stop it.
"GYAGH!" Bartolomeo yelped, clutching his ears as he shot up.
"I love this thing," Cross snickered.
"WE KNOW!" the top brass of the Barto Club and Soundbite roared.
"Oh, good, Barty's awake. Get your head in the game, man, we're not done yet. And for the record?" Cross grimaced uncomfortably. "The hero-worship is starting to get a little bit creepy, so if you could curb your enthusiasm even a bit…?"
"That's about as likely as Crocodile allying with your captain, you damn all-luck magnet," Miss Valentine groused from the corner of the room she was slumped in. "Just let it go, it could be worse."
"Right, then, who vetoed the Luffy figurehead?"
That got shocked looks from everyone.
"How the hell did you know that?" Gin demanded.
"Pfheheheh," Cross chuckled grimly. "Trust me, you guys are lucky. Any other day, I'd bullshit you all, but in all honesty, Barty'll be learning the truth soon enough at a not-so-little get-together I've got planned in a few days' time. But that's in the future. For now, we still have the matter of Boa 'World's Most Beautiful and Second-Deadliest Woman' Hancock. I don't know how the hell you guys are navigating the Calm Belt, but considering how she can do it with ease, how did you manage to avoid her?"
"Who said they avoided us?"
The snail's eyestalks snapped to attention as the sumo-like Kuja Pirate who'd remained silent until then chose to speak up.
"…Going by the voice, the sheer authority and the relative age, I'm guessing…" the snail's eyestalks swivelled around in order to cock inquisitively. "Boa Marigold, youngest of the three Gorgon Sisters?"
"As impressive as ever, Jeremiah Cross," Marigold replied evenly. "In case you were curious about my presence here, suffice to say that your words have had a significant impact on my oldest sister; we've become quite the fans of your SBS, and when we learned that Bartolomeo was not only a mutual fan but also allied with you, Hancock elected to falsify a report of failure while I remained here to await your inevitable contact. We were very interested in speaking with you."
Cross blinked in surprise before beaming triumphantly. "Hancock actually likes my show? That's great! I suspected she'd either be keeping an ear open for my work or banning it wholesale because of my gender. Lemme guess, Nyon didn't stop blaring it in the palace until she finally gave up?"
Marigold smirked momentarily before frowning. "As… amusing as that would have been, no. Suffice to say that one of your… earlier broadcasts caught our attention, and we've been listening intently ever since."
The expression on the snail snapped from smug to solemn so suddenly that the serpent-sumo stiffened. Cross had proven himself to be well-informed, but was it possible that he could know—?
"This might not be my place," Cross said, snapping her out of her thoughts. "And even wholly insensitive and maybe even more than a bit frightening, but I feel like I must offer what condolences I can. What you went through…" The pirate shook his head morosely. "The fact that any of you are functioning at all is a miracle. I can't even begin to apologize on behalf of… hell, pretty much the entire human race for the sins you were unjustly forced to suffer."
"…I am now acutely aware of two facts about you, Jeremiah Cross," Marigold stated in a thoroughly shaken voice. "There is no chance that you are allied with the World Government…"
SMASH!
The Barto Club Pirates staggered back in shock when Boa Marigold suddenly snapped into her hybrid form and encircled the terrified Transponder Snail, baring her fangs mere inches from its face.
"And there is nothing that I can be utterly certain that you do not know," she snarled. "Regardless of how IMPOSSIBLE IT SHOULD BE FOR YOU TO KNOW IT!"
In spite of its shivering, the snail's eyestalks remained steady and firm before slowly bowing sadly. "…For whatever it's worth, I haven't told anyone else. Not even Soundbite knows the details."
"Speaking of Soundbite!" The snail's eyes then snapped up with an indignant glare. "Drop the fangs, would ya!? THIS SHIT IS MURDER ON MY MOUTH!"
Silence fell for the longest seconds of the Barto Club's lives as they looked between the shivering snail and the haunted expression of one of the most fearsome pirates on the seas. Then, at last, the King Cobra hybrid shrank down to her normal (though admittedly still very tall) size.
"My apologies," she said quietly.
"Same to you," Cross shook his head regretfully. "I shouldn't have brought up your past like that. It was an impulsive move and…" He shook his head again. "Anyway, in what is simultaneously a desperate bid to change the subject and a return to business, may I offer you an invitation to the get-together I mentioned earlier, Boa Marigold? I assure you, you'll find our discussions to be quite… pertinent."
Marigold froze, taking a moment to process the implications, before shaking her head with a defeated sigh. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we can't truly support your crew—"
"—for fear of the World Government revoking Hancock's title and making Amazon Lily fair game, right?" Cross finished with a grimace. "Yeah, that would be a concern, wouldn't it?"
"Does that even matter?" Bartolomeo spoke up with honest confusion. "I mean, anonymity is what the whole code name system is for, right?"
"That's its intention, yes, but it's not infallible," Miss Goldenweek shrugged dismissively. "While everyone involved in this… undertaking, for lack of a better word, is at risk should their identities be compromised, Hancock's status means that the threat to her is aggravated. She's already taking a monumental risk by letting us go."
"Amazon Lily…" Miss Valentine mused as she eyed Marigold. "Going by the name and the composition of your crew, that's a literal name, right? Only women, nobody else?" She shrugged with a sigh when Marigold nodded in confirmation. "Well, there you have it. Without the immunity the Pirate Empress's position offers, chances are that the World Nobles would get the Marines to rip the entire island apart so that they could split the…" She shivered in disgust. "Spoils between themselves. And last time I checked, we don't have the manpower or resources to prevent that."
"Not yet, we don't, anyway…" Cross practically snarled.
Another pause as that sank in. Then Marigold spoke once more.
"I will consent to at least attending the meeting, so that my sisters and I can have a bead on the situation. But I make no promises beyond that," she said firmly.
"I don't ask for any beyond one," Cross assured her. "Keep everything you hear at the meeting a secret. You can tell your sisters and Elder Nyon if they want to know, obviously, but nobody else. If this gets out, heads won't roll because there won't be any heads left."
The warrior nodded firmly. "I expected nothing less."
"Right then. Well, I think that covers everything I needed to…" Cross trailed off as a thought apparently occurred to him, before a smile slowly slid across his face. "Actually, one more recommendation, Marigold, which I'd pass on to Hancock when you have the time: try out the floating restaurant called Takoyaki 8. Consider it as much a recommendation from me… as it is from her fellow Warlord, the Knight of the Sea Jinbe."
Marigold's eyes widened, and a tentative smile spread across her face as well. "I see. I'll take your recommendation under consideration, Jeremiah Cross. Good luck to you and yours."
"Same to you, Boa Marigold. See ya 'round, Barty! KA-LICK!"
Once the snail fell back asleep, the good cheer hung around for a second before the atmosphere plummeted into uncomfortable silence.
"Sooo…" Bartolomeo coughed as he side-eyed Marigold. "What the heck do we do until that big call he was talkin' about happens?"
There was another silence until Apis held up a deck of cards.
"Anybody up for a game of strip poker?" she beamed innocently. Then she paused in confusion as everyone stared at her in utter shock, looking at Miss Goldenweek in askance. "Did I do that wrong? I said it how you told me to."
"Nope," Miss Goldenweek smirked ever so slightly as she bit into a rice cracker. "You did that exactly right."
-o-
And all of that brought me to the present, the afternoon on the second day following Enies Lobby, where everything seemed to be going fine, with everyone sans Zoro, Vivi, Robin and the Dugongs trickling back into the backup headquarters and nothing outside of the crew's normal circumstances going on. Heck, even I was finding the time to relax.
And then in walked Kokoro and her family, with Yokozuna moving to the window after trying to force his way in through the door.
Yeah… as it turned out, the day was only getting started.
-o-
"Well! It's great to see you all back on your feet again! Honestly, sleeping for a full day? You had us all worried there! Buuut then again, I guess that after what you all went through, that's only natural!" Kokoro smirked as she caught sight of all the food on a nearby table getting sucked away at a breakneck pace. "It's also good to see that the king is back on his feet!"
"Ooooh, I wouldn't quite say that…" I muttered as I turned the page on the book I was reading, keeping an eye on Soundbite's snoring shell all the while.
"Eh?" Kokoro blinked at me in confusion. "The heck do ya mean? He's clearly moving!"
"Take a look at his face, Granny," Lassoo yawned languidly.
"What are ya…" Kokoro slowly trailed off as she processed the clear and present nose-bubble Luffy was snoring out. "…He's asleep?"
"Luffy learned how after Alabasta because he never wanted to miss that many meals after a fight again," Sanji sighed in defeat as he placed yet another platter of food in the rubber-man's reach. "Credit where it's due, at least it's keeping him busy."
"And it's actually aiding in Luffy's recovery as well…" Chopper mused from his own bed, where he was splitting his attention between a number of papers arrayed before him that he was alternating between writing on and poring over. "After all, he's ingesting a good amount of nutrients for his body that his metabolism is putting to good use, all while getting the rest he needs. It's certainly better than merely strapping him down and waiting, which would undoubtedly result in a longer resting period."
Kokoro stared warily at Chopper before sending me a nervous look, and I responded with a helpless shrug. "He hasn't actually done anything yet other than work, so…"
Chimney, meanwhile, had ambled up to Chopper and was looking at his papers with wide-eyed eagerness. "Whatcha workin' on, Mister Reindeer?"
"I'm—argh, wait a second…" Chopper leaned back from the papers, groaning as he rubbed his eyes. "Four minutes, thirty-six seconds. Marginal, but progress is progress. Anyway, to answer your question…" The human-Zoan waved his hoof over the papers. "Over the course of my fight with Kumadori, I managed to pump him for information on the biofeedback he was utilizing. Now, granted, there are some…" He spun his hoof helplessly as he tried to come up with the words. "Translation errors, due to the excessive usage of metaphors and whatnot used to describe it, but I still managed to get some valuable information, which I transcribed, interpreted, and am now extrapolating upon using my own research."
"Oooooh…" Chimney nodded slowly. "So, why ya doin' it?"
"Because," Chopper grinned eagerly as he leaned forward, a glimmer appearing in his eyes, yes, but this one was entirely natural and healthy. "I think I'm approaching a breakthrough. Using what I have and what's been given to me, I truly believe that I can compose a treatise that extrapolates upon methods through which Zoan-users like myself can deliberately manipulate the… polymorphic… nature of…" The human-reindeer slowly trailed off before pinching the bridge of his nose. "You don't understand even a word of what I'm talking about, do you?"
"No, no, I do, I do!" Chimney smiled and nodded eagerly. "You're doing mystery research, right?"
THUNK!
"Not another one…" the reindeer moaned as he repeatedly thunked his forehead against his bed's backboard.
Chimney blinked in confusion before hiding her giggle behind her hands. "Mister Reindeer is funny!"
"Yeah, he's a real funny guy!" Gonbe snickered in agreement.
Kokoro looked just a tad befuddled at the interplay between the two relative youngsters before sweeping her attention over the rest of the room. "And what about the rest of—gack!" The station mistress flinched back in shock when her gaze alighted on Nami, who was slumped over a table, sulking morosely, the air around her dark and gloomy. Literally, on account of the rain cloud that was hanging above her and drizzling its contents all over her. "What's her problem?!"
"Oh, no problem…" she sighed listlessly as she drew circles on the wood with her finger. "I've simply come to the realization that life isn't worth living, that's all. I'm just waiting for the world to… waste away."
"Ah…" Kokoro hesitated, grasping for something to say.
"There, there…" Conis sighed as she leaned over from where she and Usopp were tinkering on the same table, an umbrella over their heads, to rub Nami's back before shooting a grimace at Kokoro. "She's been like this for a while now."
"Ah, I see…" Kokoro nodded in understanding. "I guess it must just be sinking in how big her bounty's gonna be, huh?"
Nami let out a pitiful moan at that.
"Nooot quite," Usopp muttered, not looking up from the shotgun he was scrutinizing.
"Eh?"
"See, to be more specific?" Su smirked as she peered over Conis's shoulder. "She's been like this ever since Sodom and Gomorrah took Franky out for St. Poplar."
Nami moaned again, even louder.
Kokoro was silent for a bit before a massive sweatdrop hung from her head. "Waaaait a second… are you telling me she's like this because—!?"
"He took my mone-e-eeeey…" our navigator wept miserably. "Sooo much mone-e-eeeey…"
Kokoro stared at her for a moment longer before breaking out in cackling. "Nagagagaga! I've lived on the Grand Line my entire life, and you guys still manage to surprise me, every hour on the hour! Forget warning you guys about the Florian Triangle, somebody should warn the Triangle about you!"
"Personally, I'd still like to hear whatever warnings you can offer, Granny Kokoro."
"Welcawm back, Vivi!" Carue waved from his bed.
"Oh, hey!" I glanced up over my book as I heard the door open. "Did the shipping go—woah!" I reeled back in shock at what I saw.
As expected, Vivi and Robin had just returned, safe and sound, and as I'd suspected, Robin was bearing the brunt of the load, both on a variety of arms and by literally having the rest walk along behind her. That was all perfectly normal.
What wasn't expected, however, was the sight of Robin using one of her arms to hold what appeared to be a cut of raw salmon over her eye.
"The heck's with you?" I queried incredulously. "Did fish become the new black when I wasn't looking?"
"I'll alert MILAN…" Soundbite muttered in his sleep.
"No, fashion hasn't become quite that eccentric yet," Robin chuckled sardonically before drawing the fish away, revealing a very impressive black eye. "It's just that salmon serves as an acceptable substitute when a rib-eye isn't immediately available."
"Robin-chwan!" Sanji cried in horror, sprinting over and hastily relieving her of her burdens. "What happened!? Who did this to you!? I'LL FRY THEM INTO BRISKET!" He capped the rant off by all but bursting into flames.
"Ooooh, I wouldn't worry about that," Vivi huffed darkly as she crossed her arms and glared at our archaeologist. "Honestly? I'd say that she deserved it!"
"Eh?" Sanji stared at the princess in shock. "What makes you say that, milady?"
"Her personal point of view, if I had to guess," Robin chuckled, sounding more amused than anything.
There was a moment of silence as we all processed both that statement and the way Vivi was looking everywhere but at Robin with a distinctly blushing face, and then…
"EEEEEH!?" Sanji reeled in shock, his jaw all but crashing to the ground.
"Oh, my…" Conis gasped demurely.
"Tseeheehee! Woo, you go, girl!" Su cheered. "Princesses gone wild!"
Lassoo cracked his eye open with a snort. "Why the hell's everyone so surprised? We all knew that this was gonna happen sooner or later."
"Maybe so," I conceded with a nod. "But still, this is a bit out of the blue! The heck brought this on?"
Apparently that was too much for Vivi, going by how her eye twitched and she rounded on Robin, stabbing an accusing finger at her. "You want to know why I did it!?" she snarled. "Easy! Somebody thought that it would be hilarious to give me a heart attack by up and ditching me in the middle of a crowded street without warning!"
There was yet another resounding silence before I cast a flat look at Robin. "Seriously?" I deadpanned only semi-incredulously.
Robin chuckled unapologetically as she returned the salmon to her eye. "I decided to try and cultivate my sense of humour. Is that so wrong?"
"I would suggest you start from scratch with a new one," Vivi bit out acridly. "Because this one's rotten." She then turned around and made to walk back to her designated bed before freezing as she caught sight of Nami's continued sulking. She stared for a long second before directing a long-suffering look at me. "Dare I even ask?"
"Eh," I grunted, waving my hand side-to-side. "A bit of it is dread over her bounty, but for the most part? Post-partum depression from the loss of her beloved hoard."
"I was fine when it was for Merry's sake…" Nami sobbed miserably. "But now… 500 Million, just gone…"
Vivi stared at her again before pinching her nose with a sigh. "It's well past noon, and it's still too early for this shit. Cross, would you—?" She cut herself off with a shake of her head. "Get me a drink, please."
I huffed in aggravation as I shut my book and got up from my bed. "Come on, princess," I berated her as I walked over to the fridge and withdrew a spare bottle of Cola. "You've been with us for months now, you should know how to do this for yourself. Or at least!" I twisted the cap off the bottle as I snapped my finger up. "Get your 'knight in shining armour' to do it for you, seeing as he loves it so much. But me?" I shook my head as I handed the bottle off to her. "I'm not doing it. At least try and learn to be a little independent, you know?"
Vivi smiled beatifically as she accepted the bottle from me. "Thank you, Cross, I'll take your words into consideration."
I nodded in satisfaction. At least, until she actually started drinking, at which point the whole situation and everyone's snickering registered with me. I glanced down at my hand incredulously before returning my wide-eyed look to Vivi. "Son of a bitch!" I barked, which got everyone actually laughing. "Will you stop doing that!? That got old after the third bout of rhyming this morning!"
"What can I say?" Vivi shrugged innocently. "Practice makes perfect!"
"And I can attest to the fact that she's had practice," Robin concurred with a smirk as she indicated her eye. "How else do you think she actually managed to land a hit on me?"
"Freaking Jedi mind trick bullshittery…" I grumbled out as I stomped back to my bed.
"Ah, that's better," Vivi sighed in satisfaction as she set down the bottle, eyeing our despondent navigator. "And now for her…" She sidled up to her and gently laid her hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Nami? I realize that you're really sad, but maybe you could try looking on the bright side of things?"
"What bright side…" Nami mumbled noncommittally.
"Weeell," Vivi drew the word out slowly. "I was personally thinking of our new carrying capacity? After all, besides the fact that the gold is going to our new ship, our new home, it's also going to be a much bigger ship. Meaning that the next time we come across something like that pillar on Skypiea—"
Nami's head immediately spun around to look at me with wide, watery eyes, of the type seen on puppies, cats, and little children trying to get a flamethrower for Christmas. "Will we come across something like that, Cross?" she whispered in awe.
I surreptitiously glanced away as my last request to Wiper shot through my mind. "There is a… decent chance of it?" I hedged in a neutral enough tone.
"Which means," Vivi picked back up. "That's when we come into that much gold—!"
"WE'RE GONNA BE LOADED!"
"GAH!" Vivi yelped in panic when she suddenly found herself being pirouetted around the room by an ecstatically exuberant Nami.
"We're gonna be rich rich rich, richer than rich, the richiest of aaaaaall~!" Nami sang as she spun Vivi alongside her, dancing to and fro as she dragged Vivi through an impromptu ballet number.
"Wow, a picture-perfect underarm turn," Usopp muttered blandly as we observed the spectacle.
That got a cocked eyebrow from Lassoo. "How the heck would you, of all people, know what that looks like?"
"Has someone got a ladyfriend waiting for them back home?" Su teased, prompting Usopp to flush and shove himself back into his work.
Meanwhile, Nami finished up with a final chorus of "Siiilver and gold, siiilver and gold, silver and gold gold GOLD!", upon which she finally tossed Vivi out into a final spin before devolving into Beri-eyed non-stop murmuring about being rich.
The princess, for her part, seemed like she had swallowed her weight in booze if the spirals her eyes had become and the way she was staggering around were anything to go by.
"Nooo, Daddy, I don't wanna learn ballet, Kohza would never let me hear the end of it," she slurred.
"But Miss Wednesday, we've already arranged Mr. 2 to teach you," Robin objected, visibly fighting laughter.
"Ugrgrr, tell him he can have Mr. 8, he likes crossdress—hold still."
Credit where it was due, Robin managed to sidestep Vivi's dizzied punch before it could slam into her nose, but the coolness of her act was swiftly ruined by her body locking up mid-motion, causing her to overbalance and faceplant. Aaand that was my breaking point.
"Pffhahahahaha!" I plopped back on my bed as I clutched my gut from laughing. "Ohohoh man! I just don't see how this day could get any better! Pfhahah—!"
"Ah, 'scuse me…" Yokozuna waved his arm through the window in an effort to get our attention. "I just have a question I would like to ask. I thought Merry was supposed to be staying with you, yes? Is she not in there with you?"
"—hahah—erk!" I choked myself off as I realized just what was coming.
SLAM!
"WELL AT LEAST SOMEONE'S HAVING A GOOD DAY!"
"Uh-oh," muttered most everyone in the room as a very familiar and very angry girl-ship limped into the room on her crutches, a storm of furious emotions swirling around her petite form.
That served to shake Vivi out of the rest of her dizziness, and she shot a concerned look Merry's way. "Wha—!? Merry, what's wrong!?"
The question caused Merry to freeze in her tracks. "What's… wrong?" she whispered slowly.
Once again, most of us flinched at the reaction.
"Heyah we go again…" Carue groaned miserably as he tensed in anticipation.
"What's wrong!? What's WRONG?!" the transmogrified caravel howled as she rounded on Vivi and flailed one of her crutches in her face. "EVERYTHING IS WRONG! I'm a rock in water, a cripple on land, and useless all around! I ate that fruit so that I wouldn't die, but instead all I've managed to do is land myself in my own personal hell!"
Vivi blinked in shock, too taken aback to react properly. "Ah—?"
Not even waiting for an answer, Merry swung her crutch out as she continued ranting. "What's the point of my being able to stay with you all if I can't even do anything? I wanted to go on adventures with you all, not lag behind and end up needing protection from whatever happens! This isn't life! This isn't living! Why me, why me, why meee…" Merry trailed off into incoherent muttering and ranting as she started pacing back and forth in place.
Robin took the opportunity to get back to her feet and slide up close to me. "Care to explain?" she muttered.
"We managed to get Merry walking properly a few hours ago," Sanji leaned over and whispered back. "But right around then, I think the true weight of her transition finally hit her."
"Personally, I'm sure she'd be able to handle it relatively fine under normal circumstances," I hissed. "But if I had to guess, I'd say that the emotional instability of her prepubescent body isn't meshing well with the stress. Simply put, her stress and emotions have been periodically bursting out into wild tantrums like this one!"
"I see…" Robin mused as she tracked Merry as she shuffled about. "So, she rants and rages for a bit, and then she calms down?"
I winced and shook my head grimly. "Noooot quite. See, during these episodes? Merry's been cycling through a little psychological phenomenon you might be familiar with, known as the Five Stages of Grief. First there's Denial—"
"This can't be happening to me," Merry muttered fervently as she paced back and forth in place. "This isn't happening, not to me, not to me! I'm a good ship, I'm a good person, I refuse to believe it, I-I refuse!"
"Second is Anger."
"This is fucking bullshit! RAAAAGH!" Merry suddenly howled in outrage. "THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR, DAMN IT ALL! I JUST WANTED TO FUCKING LIVE! IS THAT SERIOUSLY SO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK FOR!?"
"Third is Bargaining."
"Ple-e-ease!" Merry flopped herself onto the nearest bed and started weeping almost comical streams of tears. "I'll do anything you want! I swear, I'll feed the homeless, I'll be nice to kids, I'll clean up my act wholesale, just fi-i-ix meeeee!"
"Fourth is Depression."
"WAAAAAAAAAH!"
"And finally, Accept—GRK!" I was cut off by a pair of hands suddenly grabbing my collar and yanking me down so that I was face-to-face with a thoroughly incensed tyke.
"YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOU RAGING BASTARD!" she spat murderously. "YOU DID THIS TO ME!"
"Though sometimes," Su snickered from behind her paw. "She also cycles right back around to anger!"
"Get! Her! Off!" I gagged fearfully.
"R-Right!" Conis yelped frantically, hastily darting forward and grabbing Merry off of me. "Merry, I'm so sorry about how things are right now, but please calm down! You're—!"
"CALM THIS!" THWACK!
"—GUGH!" Conis wheezed as a flailing heel swung into her gut and knocked the wind out of her, only just managing to keep her hold on the girl-ship. "Owowow… could someone help me please!?"
"Hm…" Chopper hummed thoughtfully without looking up from his work. "A sharp decrease in oxygen intake could serve to stabilize her mood."
Conis snapped her gaze up to Chopper with an offended gasp. "I am not putting Merry in a chokehold—GYEEP!" She stiffened abruptly when the caravel suddenly sank its teeth into her forearm and started gnawing. "…No matter how tempted I might be," she finished through gritted teeth.
Chopper slowly looked over the paper he was holding in order to give the angel a flat look. "Or you could simply make use of a paper bag," he droned.
The gunner had the good graces to blush in embarrassment. "Ah…"
"Here, allow me," Robin offered as she crossed her arms.
A secondary pair of arms grew from Conis' shoulders and made to grab at Merry's head, prompting Merry to snap her jaws at them, only for a tertiary pair that had hidden themselves behind Conis' back to whip out and cover Merry's mouth with a paper bag before she could react.
Merry kept struggling and fighting in the grip of our angel for a bit, but eventually her flailing subsided as the rate at which the bag was inflating and constricting slowed down. Once she stilled herself, Robin removed the bag, and Conis relaxed her grip as she looked down at her.
"Better?" she asked.
"Hah… hoo… yeah… I-I'm good, I'm good," Merry nodded wearily, prompting Conis to smile and drop her to the floor. "Sorry about doing that… again." She hung her head apologetically as she scratched the back of her skull. "I'm still shaken up, is all, not thinking straight. But, ah… I-I think I'm fine now, really! I'm pretty sure I got most of it out of me, and I don't think it should happen again!"
Merry then adopted an eager grin as she started limping towards the door as fast as her crutches could carry her. "I'm just gonna go and take a dip to cool off and—!"
"NO!" we all roared as one, Usopp even going so far as to Shave behind her, grab her hood and dig his heels into the woodwork.
"But—!" she started to protest.
"NO!"
"Dumbass!" Su concurred, laughing.
Robin cocked an eyebrow at the display before slowly leaning towards me. "Just how many times has she—?"
"Five…" I ground out. "In the past three hours."
"I just wanna swiiiim…" Merry wept childishly.
"Ah… actually, now that I think about it…" Usopp mused as he scratched his chin thoughtfully, then reached into his bag. "I might have an idea."
"REALLY!?" Merry squealed ecstatically, stars shining in her eyes.
"Wait for it…" Nami muttered under her breath.
"You can swim—"
"THANK YOU, USOPP! I LOVE YOU I LOVE Y—"
Usopp removed an inflatable ring with a very familiar sheep's head bobbing on the front. "As long as you wear this."
Merry froze so fast that I swear I heard the air shatter around us.
Unfortunately for him, however, our sniper didn't notice Merry's reaction and instead smiled eagerly. "Well, what do you think? Did I get the face right?"
"And in three, two, one…" I counted down beneath my breath.
"What do I think!?"
THWACK!
"YEOW!"
"Lift off, we have lift off."
"I THINK I WOULDN'T USE THAT THING IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!" Merry snapped, chasing Usopp around the room as she wailed on him with her crutches.
"And the humour is back," I snickered amidst everyone either laughing quietly or all-out howling with laughter.
And so the routine went on…
"FWEEEET!"
"GAH!"
"YEOW!"
"SONNUVA BITCH!"
Until a shrill-as-all-hell ear-piercing whistle caused us all to flinch and whip our hands to our ears. Except for Luffy, of course, who kept eating obliviously on without missing a beat.
"What the hell—?!" Lassoo bit out painfully as he rubbed his ears.
"Glad to see you're all having fun…"
"Eh?" I blinked in surprise before turning my attention to my bedside table, where a familiar pair of eyestalks had poked out of their shell. "Oh, hey, Soundbite."
"HEY YOURSELF," he scowled as he slid from his shell and swept his eyestalks over us. "Sorry to break up the mood, I love seeing LONGNOSE GET HIS ASS BEAT AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY—!"
"Chug a salt shaker!" Usopp cursed acridly as he hopped around on his less injured foot.
"—BUT UNFORTUNATELY, FUN TIME IS OVER." Soundbite snapped his gaze to a wall. "Look alive, boys and girls; we've got company, and they're flying gull, white and blue."
Suffice to say that the mood died after that little proclamation, and was instead swiftly replaced by the occupants of the room scrambling for their weapons and/or to get into battle positions with a combination of panic and desperation.
"HOLD EVERYTHING!" I shouted.
All movement froze, and I took the opportunity to snatch up Soundbite and hold him in my palm. "Is there a guy with kukri knives near the front?"
Soundbite's expression fell flat. "I'M GOOD, not psychic, DINGUS."
I winced as I realized that he had a point. "Fair enough, let's try that again. Is there a guy near the front who seems outwardly calm, inwardly excited?"
"NOW THAT is feasible. Uno momento, por favor." He concentrated for only a second before blinking in surprise. "Uh… huh, yeah, he… is? WAIT, WHY DOES HE SOUND—?"
"Good," I nodded firmly, pacing over to the table where I'd left my effects. "I know just what to do about this, then."
Everyone watched in anticipation as I donned my greaves and arranged my gauntlets on top of the table, as well as my transceiver… and then I grinned eagerly as I withdrew my transceiver's mic and started counting down in my head. "Time for another broadcast!"
WHAM!
The group face-fault was very satisfying.
"Crooooooss…" Sanji ground out slowly as he started to climb to his feet, the air starting to shimmer from sheer heat around him.
"Are you already going back on your promise?" Usopp demanded.
"Hey, what can I say?" I shrugged casually, even as I approached what I judged to be a good distance from the wall Soundbite had indicated. "I consider this to fall in the 'harmless' category, especially when you take into account that not only is there no malice in this little incursion, but I've got the perfect shield up and ready in case he decides to get impolite!"
"Huh?" Vivi frowned in confusion. "Wait, what do you mean by—?"
"Hell-oooo people of the world!" I cut Vivi off once my countdown hit zero, and I approximated that I had enough viewers. "It's been far too long, and I'm ever so glad to be back on the air after recovering from the freaking hellish ordeal my friends and I just went through! I'm Jeremiah Cross, and with me, as always, is my partner in crime—"
"THAT WOULD BE ME, SOUNDBITE!"
"Here to bring you another marvellous edition of—"
"The SBS, starting now!" Lassoo woofed, his tongue lolling out as he panted eagerly. "I think I see why Soundbite does that now! That shtick is fun!"
I cast a glare at the mutt that was more amused than annoyed. "And for once, ladies and gentlemen, I have no time to be angry at being interrupted—"
"SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!"
"—because today we have a special guest joining us here on the SBS!" I spun my arms before pointing both fingers at the appropriate wall. "All the way from Marine Headquarters, he uses mountains as sandbags, he almost had us at Enies, and he's the bane of pirates everywhere!"
Vivi paled in horror as the Beri dropped for her. "Oh, dear sweet Anubis, no," she breathed in horror.
"Don't tell me…" Sanji whimpered at almost the same time as his cigarette dropped from his mouth.
"He's also renowned as the rival of the King, the blunter of the Don, and the second of the Buddha!" I continued emphatically.
Everyone else swiftly paled as well as they realized who I was describing, and they fearfully backed away from the wall as a result.
Robin, in particular, was having a unique reaction, apparently caught between bowel-dropping terror, fond exasperation, and more than a little amusement. "Honestly," she chuckled even as she kept a white-knuckled grip on her hat. "I just don't know what I was expecting."
"Pirates and Marines the world over," I wound up for the grand finale, keeping a close eye on Soundbite for the appropriate timing cues. "Please put your hands together foooor…"
SMASH!
I shut my eyes in an instinctual flinch as the wall imploded, showering us all with dust and debris, before stabbing my finger at the figure visible through the dust. "Gaaaaaarp the Heroooooooooh what the fuck are you wearing!?" I hastily swapped my words around as I actually managed to catch sight of Garp and, to reiterate, what the fuck he was wearing.
To clarify, 'what the fuck he was wearing' consisted of the following items: a Hawaiian floral-print shirt, decorated with palm trees, waves, and bikini-clad tiki dancers. Solid blue board shorts that I was thanking my lucky stars were not a Speedo. A battered straw hat that looked like it had been sitting in a closet under a pile of other crap for twenty years. The tackiest pair of black aviator sunglasses I had ever seen. Straw fucking sandals! And to slap a bow on the whole thing, he even had a stripe of white sunblock on his nose right above his shit-eating grin!
Speaking as a native Floridian, I could say with complete and utter certainty that Vice-Admiral Monkey D. Garp looked like the absolute tackiest, most stereotypical beach tourist I had ever seen in my life.
And just to rub it in, he was not a unique case. Behind Garp, just barely visible through the settling dust, I could see a distinctly uncomfortable Coby and Helmeppo dressed in almost exactly the same style, the 'almost' coming from Helmeppo keeping his… actually, admittedly cool shades. And then, of course, behind them was an entire battalion of Marines in variations on the exact same outfit, still in tight parade formation with their rifles on their shoulders!
Hell, even Garp's second in command, ah… damn it, what was his name… bah, you know, the cool-looking motherfucker with the fedora? Even he was midway to the look, because while he was still wearing his officer's jacket and fedora, beneath it he also had on a floral-print shirt, and the fedora he was wearing was made out of straw!
Now, honestly, shocking as this all was, I'd like to think I could have handled it all in stride… until Garp raised a coconut shell with a straw and a slice of lime sticking out of it to his mouth, nay, his smirk, so that he could take a sip, at which point I decided that I'd had enough.
"Vice Admiral Garp…" I started slowly as I tried to kickstart my brain back into gear. "Why in the name of hell-if-I-know are you dressed like you're on oh shitbiscuits you're on vacation, aren't you?" I finished in a rush as realization hit me like the Puffing Tom.
Robin blinked in confusion at my statement before shaking her head in exasperation. "Cross, I know that your guesses are usually accurate to an almost uncanny degree, but even by your standards that is just—!"
"BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Garp cut her off when he threw his head back and roared with laughter. "Yup, Jonny-boy definitely has the right of it: for every bit that you're stupid insane, you're also stupid smart, Cross!" He puffed his chest out as he jabbed his thumb at himself. "Of course I'm on vacation! Because if I weren't, how else would I be able to visit my adorable grandson while you're around without the rest of the World Government getting on my ass for not doing my job, hm?"
I blinked in surprise as I followed that logic before nodding in acknowledgement. "That's… actually pretty damn smart. The get-up is way tacky, but fair enough."
"BWAHAHA!" Garp jutted his chin out with a bark. "High praise, coming from you!"
Robin's eyes twitched as she slowly looked between the two of us before taking off her hat. "One moment, please."
THWACK!
She then shoved her hat back on as the arm that had dope-slapped her dissolved. "Carry on."
Her reaction wasn't the only incredulous one amongst the crew.
"…I don't know what I was expecting… but this is decidedly not it," Vivi managed through her dropped jaw.
"Ditto…" Carue quacked numbly.
"How exactly is anyone supposed to react to something like this?" Chopper asked with honest curiosity.
"Personally, I'm wondering about what we should be more concerned about: him being here, that there's a Marine as crazy as him, or Cross not expecting this?" Su swallowed fearfully. "We're in uncharted waters now…"
Conis started to nod in agreement before freezing as she realized something. "Wait… did he just say that he's here… to visit his grandson?"
That brought the rest of my crewmates up short, several of them repeating the word in shock. "'Grandson'!?"
Soundbite's eyes shot wide as he was struck dead-on by realization. "OOOH…"
Garp's grin widened as he slowly stepped into the room. "Yup, that's exactly right. My grandson is on your crew, and I'm here to pay him a long-overdue visit. And now that I'm here, it's time for said grandson…" Garp's grin widened as he drew his fist back.
SMASH!
"OOOOW!"
"TO STOP STUFFING HIS FACE AND WAKE THE HELL UP!"
And delivered an absolutely devastating haymaker to Luffy, punching him clean through the table and causing our newly awakened captain to roll on the floor in agony.
"OWOWOWOOOOOW!" Luffy cried as he clutched his forehead. "IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HUUURTS!"
"HeeheeheehoohoohooHAHAHA! I SEE THE RESEMBLANCE!" Soundbite cackled eagerly.
"I know, right?" I muttered with a shudder. Reading about it was one thing, but actually seeing the legitimately strongest person I knew get taken down with a single punch?
I hid my grin behind my gauntlet. This… This was going to be so much fun.
As usual, my crewmates didn't quite agree with my sentiments.
"AAAAH! WHAT THE HELL!?" Usopp shrieked in terror. "T-T-THAT ACTUALLY HURT LUFFY!?"
"But I thought that Luffy was supposed to be immune to blunt force trauma!" Nami cursed as she gripped her staff, her Eisen Tempo curling defensively around her.
"I know!" Chopper squealed in a dementedly eager tone. "Isn't it iiiinteres—!"
THWACK!
"OW!… thanks, Conis."
"You're welcome, though…" Conis swallowed heavily as she gripped the rifle she was clutching. "I wonder if I shouldn't have let you stay that way."
"Could it be—?" Vivi whipped her hand to her mouth with a gasp of realization.
Noticing Garp starting to puff himself up, I hastily snapped my fingers and pointed at him. "And your next line is," I grinned eagerly as I reconfirmed exactly what I'd read so long ago. "'There's no defence against a Fist of Love.'"
"There's no defence against a Fist of Love," Garp unintentionally echoed before he actually processed what I'd said. Then he blinked and glanced at me as I crossed my arms behind my head, a grin stretching my face.
"Oooohh, I've been hurting for an opportunity to pull that bit off for so long," I sighed blissfully.
"You only wish you could be AS GOOD AS JOSEPH!" Soundbite chortled. "BUT THAT WAS A GOOD TRY NONETHELESS!"
"Tsk," Garp raised his arms in a shrug as he shook his head in defeat. "Said it before, I'll say it again: crazy little—!"
"GYAAAAGH!" Garp was cut off by Luffy screaming in terror as he actually caught sight of him and started pointing a shaking finger at the object of his fear. "G-G-G-G—!"
The Vice Admiral was swift to regain his composure as he responded with a smirk, taking hold of his shades and drawing himself up to his full height. "Aww, what's wrong, Luffy?" he asked as he thumbed his glasses onto his forehead, allowing him to smile at Luffy in full. "Didn't you miss your beloved old Grandpa?"
"GRANDPA!?" everyone else squawked in shock.
For my part, I chose to hide an ear-to-ear grin behind my fist. "If I had to guess, I'd say he'd hoped you'd fossilized by now," I muttered under my breath.
"Cocky little shit, say what?"
I blinked in confusion. "Wha—?"
THWACK!
I came to about two minutes later, when someone grabbed the back of my collar and yanked me out of the… floorboards? Yes, it appears I'd been punched through the floorboards. Well shit.
"Hold still," muttered a voice that I recognized as Chopper's, and I registered a hoof reaching towards my face.
"Eh? What are you—?"
My question was rudely interrupted by our doctor grabbing something in front of my face and yankingohsonofa—!
"—FUCK!" I howled, jerking up as I clutched my face. "What the blue blazes was that for?!"
"Splinter," Chopper deadpanned as he held up a solid inch of wood. I stiffened in shock as I processed what I was seeing, and I gingerly raised my finger to poke at a small puncture wound six millimetres from my left eye.
"Meep."
"Wow, he really is fragile," I heard Garp mutter.
My eye twitched slightly at the comment before I shook my head with a groan and pushed myself into a sitting position. "Ugh… how much did I miss?"
"Oh, nothing much," Robin hummed as she slid up next to me and plopped my hat back on my head. "He hit Luffy a few more times, bemoaned him not being a Marine, explained the balance of the Three Great Powers, the Four Emperors, elaborated that Luffy's hat came from Red-Haired Shanks…" She cocked a disbelieving eyebrow at me. "Any particular reason why you elected not to share that tidbit?"
"Too much fun, never came up, he was going to tell you anyway. Pick a number and toss a die," I groused sourly as I poked at the lump growing from my skull. Christ on a pikestaff, that bastard hit like a freight train! Probably literally! "Eurgh… well, at least I didn't miss any of the fun parts. But… if that's all he's said, then… shouldn't Zoro be back by now?"
Of course, that was precisely when the sounds of an all-out brawl erupted from the back of the horde of Marines Garp had brought with him.
"Damn," Soundbite whistled in awe. "Even concussed, YOU'VE GOT THAT down to a science!"
"Mad skills, brah," I deadpanned as I flashed a shaka symbol. In all honesty, I was more focused on observing the two quote-unquote 'rookies' Garp had brought with him. I really wanted to see what these two were capable of.
"Hm? Ah, right, your swordsman. Your… first mate, isn't he?" Garp grinned as he looked over his shoulder at these men getting plowed down. "Good timing, I was just looking for somebody I could use as a test. Hey, you two."
The Master Chief Petty Officer and Chief Petty Officer snapped to attention. "Sir!"
"Chances are you're gonna lose badly, but even so…" He flashed them a winning smile as he popped a thumbs-up. "At least try and last two seconds, alright? One second each!"
And that caused the Master Chief Petty Officer and Chief Petty Officer to slump in despair. "Yes, sir…"
Still, credit where it was due, in spite of their reluctance, the pair didn't even hesitate to face Zoro when he became visible in the crowd and charge him as one.
CR-CR-CR-CRACK!
However, for all that their valour was well and good, they only made it about halfway when they were forced to come to a screeching halt as a rain of bullets broke up the ground a few inches in front of them.
Before they could react further, Coby's hand shot up, snatching the handle of a kunai with the point two inches from his forehead and then seamlessly flowing into a series of blocks that deflected the rest. Helmeppo, meanwhile, had drawn his kukri and was using them to hold off what appeared to be a buzzsaw the size of his torso with a red cable leading out of it and off to somewhere that was grinding into his blades with abandon.
Zoro stopped as well, observing the clash for a moment before glaring to the side. "Care to explain why you're stealing my fight?"
"You seem to be forgetting, first mate."
Boss blinked into visibility in front of Zoro as he came out of his Sha—Rip Current, and moments later three of his four students appeared out of nowhere to flank him as well; Mikey spun his pistols as he reloaded them, Donny held a trio of kunai between the 'fingers' of one flipper while the other held his staff across his shoulders, and Raphey jerked back on the end of the red cable she was holding, withdrawing the disc of death that was assaulting Helmeppo and catching it, revealing it to be a massive shuriken almost as large as her that she sheathed on her back.
"Our position on this crew," Boss snorted as he tapped off the ashes on the end of his cigarette. "Is as the ship's guards. At the end of the day, we are the very bottom of the pecking order. If the enemy can't get past us? Then they're just not worth your trouble."
Coby and Helmeppo glanced at one another with uncertainty for a moment, but they swiftly fell into battle-ready positions…
"Please, try it."
Before stiffening as Leo poked his swords into the small of their backs.
"No, really, I'm serious," Leo goaded them eagerly. "I am honestly curious about how you two actually think you can beat us, and I've been itching for a nice and curbstompy fight for a while now. So, if you could do me a favour and give me a reason to kick your asses? I would be most appreciative."
The Chief Petty Officers visibly hesitated…
"BWAHAHAHAHA!"
Before snapping their heads around to look back at their teacher as he started laughing.
"HAHAHA… eheh… heh…" Garp trailed off into chuckles as he wiped his eyes. "Ahhhh… good stuff, that. Yeah, sorry you two, but if you actually value your hides, you had better not fight."
"V-Vice Admiral?!" they asked incredulously.
"Yeah, I'm with them; mind running that by us again?" Mikey asked with a cock of his head. "You mean to tell us that you're actually smart enough to know when to fold them?"
Garp grinned darkly in response. "Not like I actually have much choice, you know? These brats are good and all, sure…" his grin widened as he directed his gaze at Boss. "But they haven't been around nearly long enough to have a hope of taking on the second generation of apprentices to come from the strongest Dugong in the New World, much less the sole member of the first generation himself."
A single second of silence followed those words before Boss's cigar snapped between his fingers, though, going by the way he was blankly staring at Garp, I don't think he honestly even noticed.
"You… know my master?" Boss finally managed to breathe.
"BWAHAHA!" Garp barked as he scratched his finger beneath his nose. "Know him? I take a day off to have a scrap with him at least three times a year, and each time is as good as the last! Though, eh…" he glanced away with a scowl. "The fact that the damn bastard doesn't tend to hang around in any one place for that long makes tracking him down time and time again a damn nightmare."
Boss blinked slowly at the statement before slowly turning to look towards the horizon. "…knew the old bastard was still alive. I damn well knew it…" he muttered quietly.
"Ah… hang on, Boss' master?" Usopp asked in interest. "Who are we talking about here?"
"Sifu Dugong," Raphey breathed in awe. "We'll tell you the details later, but for now, suffice to say he's the strongest dugong in our species' history!"
"Last rumour I heard?" Mikey piped up. "He can kill a Sea King with one punch!"
"Now that's a bald-faced lie!" Garp sniffed indignantly… before popping up a trio of fingers. "Last time I saw that old bag of bones, he was strong enough to take down three Sea Kings at once, easy. If you're going to spread rumours, at least make sure they're accurate."
There was a resounding silence in response to that proclamation, during which Coby and Helmeppo exchanged a frantic look, following which…
"PLEASE SPARE MY WORTHLESS LIFE!"
"Hahaha! Wow, Luffy! It looks like you've really gathered an incredible crew!"
One of them collapsed to their knees, begging for their life, while the other scratched behind their head as they laughed happily.
Three guesses on who did and said what.
"Huh? Why're you talking about me like you know me? Although… you do look sort of familiar…" Luffy frowned and bowed his head in what I had no doubt was intense thought. And then, to the utter shock of all, he snapped his head up with a gasp as he pounded his fist in his palm. "Wait, now I remember who you are!"
"Eh?" I blinked in shock before leaning forward in curiosity, more than a few of the onlookers joining me. Was… Was this really happening? Had our captain, Monkey D. Luffy, one of the densest people in existence, actually managed to grow a brain!?
The rubber man in question pointed at the eager pink-haired Marine with a triumphant grin. "You're Natsu Dragneel."
WHAM!
Yeeeaaah, no.
Of course, Garp, Coby, and Helmeppo all face-faulted, as would be the natural reaction. But me? I actually felt my skull bleeding from how hard I hit my head, and going by the sound of grinding enamel coming from my shoulder, I wasn't alone.
However, I only maintained that position for a moment before unholy RAGE flooded my mind, and I forced myself to my feet so that Soundbite and I could vent our frustration. A process I started off by bringing my fist down on my Captain's head as hard as I could.
Of course, once he started twitching and trying to pull his head out of the floorboards, indicating that he was still alive (which was fortunate and unfortunate in equal measure), we decided to vent vocally rather than physically.
"RIGHT Genre, WRONG UNIVERSE, MORON!" Soundbite howled viciously.
"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT YOUR STUPIDITY LITERALLY TRANSCENDS TIME AND SPACE?!" I roared with all that my lungs were capable of.
"Uh, heh, I wouldn't be too surprised if it did," Coby chuckled, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly as he righted himself and crouched before my struggling captain. "But, ah, still… Luffy, it's me, Coby. You know, from the East Blue?"
"EH!?" Luffy barked as he wrenched his head from the floor with a single jerk, blinking at the Marine in question in awe. "Wimpy Coby!? No way! The last time I saw Coby, he was—!"
I tuned out the conversation as I turned on my heel and walked back into the house, massaging my flaming temples as I tried to calm myself down. Honestly, most of the time, Luffy's stupidity was hilarious, really, it was, but that!? There are limits, damn it all! Standards!
I was drawn from my blackened thoughts by a slight tug on my pant leg, a glance down revealing it to be none other than Raphey, smirking up at me.
"Idiocy isn't quite so funny when it's concentrated like that, is it now?" she taunted.
I ground my teeth as I reigned in my temper before finally snorting out a heavy breath. "No," I growled. "No, it is not. Usually, it's funny. Breaking the laws of reality? That's something else entirely. In small doses it's fine, but concentrated like that…" I cast a meaningful glance to the side. "How do you deal with it?"
Raphey followed my gaze and promptly adopted a grimace. "Well, I'll admit it's not easy…"
"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TWO LOOKING AT ME WHEN YOU SAY THAT?!" Mikey cried indignantly. "I'M NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS HIM, NUH-UH, NO WAY IN HELL, THAT'S JUST NOT—!"
CRACK!
"—owie…" he whimpered into the wall his face had been buried in.
"But as you can see," Raphey chuckled as she blew the smoke off her flipper. "I handle it pretty handily, thank you very much."
I contemplated that for a moment before electing to shift the discussion with as subtle a cough as I could manage. "So! A… what, 'fuuma' shuriken, I think it was, and kunai, huh? I guess you've all got long range covered now."
"Meh, more like mid-ranged, but I'm not complaining," Raphey grinned as she unslung her wheel of death and started spinning it around a flipper as though it couldn't decapitate someone with ease. "This beast's a monster to handle, but the training I've had with Vivi gives me a good idea of how to work chain weaponry. Anybody tries anything up close, they get the sai, and if they try anything from far off?" She halted her spinning and jabbed one of the shuriken's blades dead ahead with a smirk. "They get this baby!"
"Unfortunately, not all of us are being as lucky…" Donny groused as he examined his staff. "I've found the kunai knife to be an agreeable weapon, true, but as it is I'm carrying them all around in my shell, and that's neither comfortable nor practical." He glanced up at me with a cocked eyebrow. "I only hope my memory is good enough that I can replicate whatever mechanism that Foxy Pirate used in her baton."
I pegged on to what he was implying easily enough and flashed him an 'a-ok' sign. "I'm sure that you'll figure it out with time, don't worry."
"Hmph. Infidels."
"Eh?" I blinked at Leo in surprise, shocked to see him leaning against the wall with a scowl. "The heck are you talking about?"
"You heard me, didn't you?" Leo glared at me defiantly. "Come on. In case you haven't noticed, we're known as Kung-Fu dugongs. Martial arts, armed or unarmed, are our specialty! We beat our enemies up close and personal, not from a distance like a dirty coward! There is no honour, no glory in—!"
"Eh, don't pay him any mind," Mikey scoffed casually as he dug a finger in the approximate location of his ear. "He's just salty because he hasn't figured out how to use those cool flying slashes Zoro uses yet, and he can't channel Typhoon Lash down them either, which he hasn't figured out yet, for that matter."
"NEITHER HAVE YOU AND NOT FOR A LACK OF TRYING, EITHER!" the katana-wielder exploded furiously. "AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT, DAMN IT! NO MATTER HOW MUCH I PUT INTO MY SWORDS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH ZORO OR BOSS PUSHES ME, I CAN'T… make… them…"
He suddenly trailed off, slowly looking over his shoulder at his own swords, then at Zoro's, and then up at me. "Cross… is it even possible to accomplish the flying slash with normal swords, or do they have to be Legendary Swords, like Zoro's trio?"
I opened my mouth to respond, then frowned as I ran over the swordsmen that I knew had used flying slashes. "Come to think of it, I… don't think I've ever heard of any normal blades sending flying slashes without Devil Fruit enhancements? Though…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully. "I'm sure that a world-class swordsman like Mihawk or someone could, but…"
Leo set his jaw tightly as he reached up to grip one of his katana's hilts. "In that case… there's just nothing for it, is there? These two have served me faithfully over the years, but if I'm going to hone my style any further…" He shook his head in defeat. "I officially need an upgrade."
I winced sympathetically at the poor dugong's plight, but before I could say anything on the matter, a familiar finger tapping me on my shoulder drew my attention away.
"Pardon the interruption, Cross," Robin said politely. "But if you don't mind, would you kindly elaborate on the relationship between Luffy, Zoro and those two?" She nodded her head at where the four in question (three, really, seeing as Helmeppo was sobbing pitifully over being forgotten) were talking. "I can only imagine that the tale surrounding them must be at least marginally fascinating."
I considered the question for a moment before shrugging, though before I said jack, I made sure to cover my transceiver's mouthpiece. After all, it wouldn't do to go spreading around that Coby was an ex-pirate, however unwilling.
"Not that much of a story to tell. Coby was an unwilling cabin boy for the Alvida Pirates, and Helmeppo was the spoiled brat of a corrupt-to-the-core Marine Captain in the East Blue."
Robin hid a chuckle behind her hand. "And then Luffy arrived and removed both of them with his fists, I'm guessing?"
I smiled back in turn. "Yeah, that is how most stories involving Luffy usually go, isn't it? Anyway, that was about seven months or so ago, when Luffy first set out. A while after that, the two were… let's say 'lucky' enough to catch Garp's attention, and he decided to personally train them. And believe you me when I say that for all he's a devil, he's also damn effective, because if you'd seen those two as they were then, you'd have a hard time recognizing them."
Nami took a moment to make sure my hand was still covering the mic before quietly asking, "So, if I had to guess, you're planning on—?"
"—eard you met your father in Loguetown."
Nami's question died in a choked gasp at the same time the blood evacuated my face. Damn it all, of all the milestones to forget, I forget this!?
I suffered a minor panic attack as I considered what the fuck to do. I couldn't very well hang up, because if I did, then Garp would be left hanging high and dry for why he didn't return to Marineford with us in tow, and for all that he could be a bastard at times, I didn't want to see the old man suffer for visiting his grandson! And a fat lot of good Gastro-Scramble would do with Soundbite, all but guaranteed to flip out as much as everyone else! As for muffling the transceiver, while that was all well and good for quiet conversations, absolutely nothing about what was about to happen would be quiet.
…Not remotely quiet. Why the hell didn't I think of that in the first place?
"Fair warning," I muttered absently as I slid my headphones on with one hand and started reaching for a very specific button with the other. "This is going to be loud."
Robin immediately clamped half a dozen hands over her ears, while everyone else blinked at me in confusion before stiffening in utter horror. Some tried to make a move at me…
But too late.
"Your father's name is…"