BWAAAAAAAAAH!
'Pros and cons of the SBS and its host,' the Most Wanted Man in the World idly mused as he dug a finger in his ear. 'Pro: one of the greatest allies to the cause I've ever seen, and an incredibly inspiring individual besides. Con: he's giving me tinnitus.' Dragon weighed the options for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Hmm, a small price to pay."
His reaction was easily the most subdued among the command center, with everyone else lying flat and groaning as they clutched their ears.
And Cross, of course, was just chuckling.
"I love this thing so much."
"WE KNOW!" the nerve center of the Revolutionaries roared alongside the majority of the world.
However, not all of the world was content to leave matters at that.
"You little brat…" Garp growled venomously. "Maybe I should show you my own brand of Love again and see if that example manages to beat the stupid out of you, hm?!"
Cross's eyes widened in terror for a moment before he hastily adopted a heavy scowl. "Before you start that little demonstration of yours, may I remind you of the sheer magnitude of what you were about to say? If you'd think about it just a little, just a tiny bit, I think you'd find that it's not a good idea to spill that secret to everyone who's here. Especially since, in case you've forgotten, the SBS is still running. Do you really think that that's something to blab to the whole freaking world?"
There was a brief moment of confusion, on account of the past minute of the SBS having been muffled, and then the crew's doctor, Chopper, posed an innocent question: "Is Luffy's dad really that big a deal?"
While the control room burst into not-so-quiet mutters, the snail snorted and shook its head. "The absolute biggest deal, Chopper. If you thought the Government wanted our heads now, you should see how badly they'll want them if this little tidbit gets out. And not just them, either!"
Dragon had to fight very hard to keep from stiffening at those words, and even then, he couldn't keep the shock off his face. 'There's no doubt now, he knows. Not only that, but Garp was about to—!?' Dragon's expression promptly fell flat. 'No, of course he was about to, that comes as no surprise whatsoever. But still…' The original Revolutionary observed the Transponder Snail with restrained wonder. 'How could he possibly know that?'
Meanwhile, the rest of the command room was equally active, if louder.
"Is Luffy's father that important a guy?" Koala asked her old comrade curiously.
Sabo could only reply with a numb shake of his head. "This is the first I've heard of Luffy having a dad at all. Not even he knows who he is!"
The snail had adopted a surprised look for several seconds following Cross's question. Then, he grinned and chuckled. "Bah, I guess I shouldn't really be surprised that you know, eh? Especially after everything else you've blabbed about. Hell, it'd be weirder if you didn't! But… heh, yeah, I guess you're right."
Dragon breathed a subtle sigh of relief at those words. For all that he allowed his son his independence, he did actually care for him, and he knew how much harder his journey would be if his heritage ever became public.
As such, he thanked his lucky stars that, for once, Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp had chosen to actually use his brain.
"After all," Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp forged on with a solemn nod. "It wouldn't be very smart to tell the whole world that Luffy's father is Monkey D. Dragon, the Revolutionary."
The entirety of Baltigo… nay, the whole world froze upon hearing those words.
And while everyone was frozen, Transponder Snails around the world twitched as they gaped in awe. "…And yet, you tell them anyway," Cross ground out in horrified incredulity.
There was a moment of silence before the snails blinked in realization and started chuckling sheepishly. "Ah… yeah, guess I screwed up there, huh? Whoops, my bad."
Within the command post of the Revolutionaries in the secret kingdom of Baltigo, Monkey D. Dragon, the Revolutionary and Most Wanted Man in the World, slapped a hand to his face with a groan. "God damn it, Dad."
Apparently, Cross was of the same opinion, if the way he suddenly set his jaw was anything to go by. "You there, with the hat. Could you do me a favour? Take this and whack him for me, would you? Trust me, his head'll break before it does."
"Well, I'll be glad to test that."
"Eh?" Garp blinked in surprise. "Wait, wha—?"
CLANG!
"YEOOOOW!"
"Well, I'll be, it works. What's it made of?"
"Common materials enhanced to perfection by a GODLIKE ENTI—WAGH!"
"Shut it, you little—GRK! Ah… b-believe me, t-they call Vegapunk all kinds of crazy things out in the East Blue. But for now…" Cross adopted a grim expression. "Before anyone properly freaks out, I have a few words I'd like to share. They are as follows…"
"Well, this should be good," Dragon drawled sardonically.
"Folks, you heard it here, proof positive. Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, Hero of the Marines, the man reputed for being one of Gold Roger's most formidable rivals, has done the impossible: he's actually managed to prove himself dumber than Monkey D. Luffy. How he is still breathing, let alone chemically viable, is a mystery that haunts scientists the world over. His very existence is a divide-by-zero paradox that should have, by all rational thought, destroyed the universe threefold by now. The Great Old Ones have resigned their posts as bringers of insanity, as he has now rendered them redundant. God is dead because he killed himself out of shame for ever having allowed—OWOWOW! Withdrawn, withdrawn! Urgh… whatever. Anyway, I could keep going on and on, but I know that it would never touch upon the true extent of his impossible existence."
In spite of himself, Dragon smirked. That was refreshing to hear.
"Aaaand that's all I wanted to say. Please feel free to react in an appropriate manner and make my foghorn seem like birdsong by comparison."
And so the world proceeded to do just that.
-o-
"STRAW HAT IS DRAGON'S SON!?"
Sodom and Gomorrah flinched as the force of their boss's shout caused their trailer to leap out of the water.
"THAT MAN ACTUALLY HAD A SON?!" Kiwi loudly agreed.
"WAIT, DOES THAT MEAN THAT GARP 'THE HERO' IS DRAGON'S FATHER?!" Mozu demanded.
"THIS IS TOTALLY INSANE!" the trio finished as one.
[They're actually surprised by all of this?] Sodom asked his brother.
[Honestly, they seriously should have seen something like this coming,] Gomorrah snorted in agreement.
-o-
"Oh, dear, I was afraid of this…" Bentham sighed heavily as he waved a towel over Ivankov's insensate (and massive) face. "As if the knowledge of Straw Hat being Garp's grandson weren't pressing enough, this new development's sent our dear ruler over the edge." He glanced over his shoulder fretfully. "How're those 20ccs of cosmotini coming?"
"Hey, don't rush me!" the current bartender protested. "This is a very delicate and involved—!"
"Ivankov!" Inazuma cried out as she (at the moment) rushed into Newkama Land's central area. "We just found—eh?" She skidded to a halt and blinked at the scene before her in confusion. "What happened here?"
"Oh, a tragedy is what happened, an utter tragedy!" the newest citizen of the okama haven wept dramatically as he spun in place. "Our glorious queen among kings was overwhelmed by the news of Straw Hat being Dragon's son, and he—!"
"Is totally faking it so that he can get at some extra alcohol past his ration because he has complete and utter control over his body's hormones, and as such literally cannot faint," Inazuma finished flatly.
"AHEM!" Ivankov coughed as he shot to his feet and snapped his fist to his mouth. "You, ah, wanted to tell me something, Inazuma?"
"OH, GREAT MIRACLE-WORKER IVANKOV, HOW COULD YOU!?" Bentham sobbed in betrayal.
The scissor-human cocked an eyebrow at the overly dramatic—even by Okama standards—display before grinning at Ivankov. "We were patrolling the floors when we found a guest. I am fairly certain that you will be very interested in them."
Ivankov blinked in surprise before returning the smile. "Oh, really? Do tell."
-o-
Meanwhile, back in Baltigo, the reaction to the announcement was perhaps the most… unique of all.
"WOOHOO!" Koala shrieked joyously as she literally danced around the control center, sweeping up anyone she could grab into a series of erratic spins and twirls. "I'M RICH! RICH RICH RICH RIIIICH!"
Dragon's eye twitched minutely as he watched the extra-species martial artist cavort about, casting a sidelong look at his Chief of Staff. "Dare I even ask?" he deadpanned.
"Ahhh…" Sabo rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "She… may or may not have placed one or two bets that may or may not have just paid out a rather substantial amount?"
"I'M GONNA TAKE A VACATION AND BUY A WEEK FROM HEAVEN IN PUCCI!" Koala whooped as she started moonwalking on a table, a bib securely fastened around her neck. "SO! MUCH! LOBSTER!"
"…You're donating half of your winnings to the cause," Dragon finally said.
"Doesn't matter, because I still have enough left~!" Koala sang cheerfully, not even missing a beat as she kept her dance routine going.
That brought the Revolutionary up short. "She really won that much?"
"A… lot of people were curious about you, chief. Sorry," Hack admitted.
Dragon blinked as he processed that before narrowing his eyes suspiciously. "What were those bets on, exactly?"
Koala froze in place.
"I'm-gonna-go-collect-my-winnings-and-pack-bye!"
Before shooting out of the control room in a blur.
Sabo sighed as he observed the smoke trail his partner had left, slapping a hand to his face. "Simply put, she won the trifecta," he mumbled wearily. "That Luffy was your son, that you were Garp's son, and that, ah…" He glanced away with a sheepish blush. "That you're—?"
"THE HELL DO YOU MEAN IT DOESN'T COUNT!?"
SMASH!
The Revolutionaries jumped in shock when one of the control center's walls suddenly imploded on account of one of their comrades being thrown through it. Said comrade only had a second to recover before he found his collar grabbed, and he was dragged face-to-face with a very irate martial artist.
"Get this through your sea-prism-stone-thick skull, you moron!" Koala bit out menacingly. "Sabo is Luffy's brother. Blood can go hang for all I care, that means that Dragon is his dad too, meaning that you damn well lost! Now pay up, or I will put you through the floor!"
The Revolutionary was swift to dig out a wad of cash and toss it at Koala, which prompted her to drop him and start thumbing through the bundle with a contented smile.
"Pleasure doing business with you~!" she sang as she turned right back around and walked out the very hole she'd caused.
A heavy silence hung in the room until Sabo coughed uncomfortably. "Ah, look, sir—!"
"Sabo, Koala just collected her rightly-won earnings that resulted from her good luck," Dragon interrupted him in a neutral tone. "Do you wish for her to give you the same treatment?"
"Ah…no, sir?" Sabo shook his head slowly.
"Then let's leave matters at that."
Sabo hesitated for a bare moment before snapping into a salute, a smile barely restrained. "Y-Yes, sir!"
Dragon nodded proudly before readopting his neutral expression and glancing to the side at the now-muttering Transponder Snail.
'But still, all joking aside, this is the final straw. It's time that I arranged a meeting with Cross. A personal meeting.'
The Revolutionary started to turn and walk away…
"Ergh… well, hell, if it's already out in the open like this… bah, at least there's nothing stopping me from being proud of my captain being the son of one of the greatest heroes in the world!"
Before he and everyone else in the room froze, Dragon, in particular, was paralyzed by the sudden resurgence of a pounding in his skull that he hadn't felt in years.
'Correction: I'll meet with Cross if he actually survives the day,' he groaned internally.
-o-
Everyone in my line of sight was doing their best imitation of a statue, save for the sweat coming down all of their brows. And for good reason, too: the only person not utterly paralyzed with terror was the very cause of that terror himself. Suffice to say that Garp the Hero's expression was quickly darkening, and if the growl that was starting to rumble forth from his throat was anything to go by, that was only the tip of the iceberg.
It should be noted, however, that it was only those I could see who were freezing up. Me myself? Weeeell… my adrenaline had just kicked into the biggest high I'd felt since the flight to the White Sea, so naturally I had an ear-to-ear grin on my face. "Pffheeheeheeeeee…" I whispered euphorically.
"OH GOD, I'm attached to a suicidal idiot…" Soundbite whimpered through his stricken smile and tears.
"You knew that going into the Grand Line and don't you dare pretend otherwise," I hissed back.
"What…"
My spine snapped ramrod straight when Garp's voice suddenly shook the air, and I was acutely aware of him turning to loom over me even from halfway across the room. I shivered as he marched up to me and only seemed to grow bigger still. Sweet heck, if the man didn't actually have Haki, then he damn well knew how to fake it!
"The hell," the goliath before me snarled. "DID YOU JUST SAY?"
"Uhh…" I hedged nervously, glancing around as I centred my thoughts. In the process, I just so happened to catch sight of Nami and Robin, who both had their arms crossed and were shaking their heads frantically.
Well, there was really only one thing I could do, seeing that.
"Weeellll…" I slowly drawled as a massive grin spread across my face.
Nami slapped a hand to her face, while Robin whipped out and started writing on a notepad that had the words 'The Death of Jeremiah Cross' scrawled on the top of the first page.
I cocked my eyebrow at that particular development before refocusing my grin at Garp. "To answer your question," I continued in a nonchalant tone, even as enough energy for ten Shaves thrummed within me. "It's simple, really: he's leading a fight against a tyrannical force of oppression that's dominating the entire world, so what else could he be? Honestly, now, you should be proud of him. After all…" I grinned innocently as I crossed my arms behind the back of my head. "He is doing the Marines' rightful job. Right?"
Garp ground his teeth as he slowly and audibly cracked his knuckles. "You have one chance to take that back."
I snorted in response, spreading my arms wide, invitingly. "Buddy, in case you've forgotten, I enjoy the rush of adrenaline terror affords me. So, please, feel free to do your damn worst."
"OH GOD I POO'D…" Soundbite wheezed, his eyes blank from fear.
"WISH GRANTED!" Garp rumbled, drawing his fist back in preparation.
For a bare moment, I actually felt a sliver of doubt.
"M-Mistah Gawp?"
And then everyone froze again, only this time it was on account of a distinctly small, timid, and positively heartwrenching voice. All attention turned towards the source—
…I thought I had long since grown immune to the whole 'puppy-dog-eyes' bit thanks to Soundbite utterly ruining it within the first week of me knowing him, but Merry proceeded to prove me wrong. I mean, seriously! Small, adorable, and on crutches, with massive watery eyes and a quivering lower lip? You'd have to be utterly lacking in heart not to be affected, as evidenced by Garp visibly faltering.
"A-Awe you going to hurt my big bwother?" Merry whimpered sorrowfully.
"A-A-Ah, I-I, ah, t-t-that is to say…" the Vice Admiral hedged fretfully, glancing to and fro in search of a response.
"P-P-Pwease don't hurt Cwoss…" Merry hiccupped, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. "H-H-He's one of my b-bestest fwiends in the whole world, a-a-and he saved my w-w-wife! P-Pwease, d-don't…" She bowed her head as she began to cry softly.
"W-Well, I-I, uh…" Garp flinched back.
"Vice Admiral, how could you!"
I managed—somehow!—to wrench my attention away from the scene in front of me to catch sight of Coby glaring daggers at the Vice Admiral, who, I should note, massively outweighed him. And outranked him. And out-everything'd him.
"Making an innocent young girl cry?" the Master Chief Petty Officer fumed. "You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"B-But she—! A-And I—!" Garp scrambled to get his words together.
"You dirty bastard!" Helmeppo accused fervently.
"What kind of a man are you, huh!?" a random Marine piped up.
"Disgusting, simply disgusting!"
"Yeah, now I'm definitely not naming my son after you!"
"N-N-Now hold on a minute, a-a-all of you—"
I have to admit, to this day, I have seen few sights funnier than that of Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, Hero of the Marines, flailing about desperately as his own men lambasted him. But still, even through my (barely concealed) amusement, I couldn't help feeling that something was… off about this whole affair.
Before I could put much thought into it, however…
"Disgraceful," Garp's fedora-wearing compatriot huffed.
For whatever reason, that was what rebooted Garp's brain, prompting him to turn on his men and draw himself up to his full height. "Now, see here, you young whippersnappers! I—!"
It all happened in an instant.
One second, Merry's head was bowed, and she was sobbing her eyes out; the next, it snapped up, and her gaze locked on dead ahead, a pair of utterly evil golden stars glinting in her eyes. She spared a second to glance at Soundbite and slash a finger across her throat before she shoved her crutches into the ground, effectively flinging Merry forward.
And then…
CHOMP!
…the world just seemed to… well, stop turning as once anew everyone froze.
"Ooooh myyyy gooood…" I dragged out incredulously.
"Well, now…" Robin breathed.
"Oh, for fuck's sakes…" Nami moaned, dropping her hands to her face.
"What the…!?" Coby and Helmeppo gaped in shock.
"PFFF…" Soundbite snorted, very visibly holding himself back from cackling. "T-T-TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, FOLKS, sorry!" The second he finished that last word, he burst out howling. "HOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEEhahahahaaaaaa!"
Garp sloooowly glanced over his shoulder, shock written across his face. "W-What the—?"
Merry's grin widened around the mouthful of his ass she'd bitten into. "Gr't yer t'th."
And then she redoubled the strength of her bite, and things got…
"YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH!"
Interesting.
Years in the future, Monkey D. Garp would still swear up and down to anyone and everyone who would listen that the scars on his ass came from either a bear trap, a snapping turtle or a juvenile Sea King that someone had left on his office chair, either as a practical joke, as part of an assassination plot, or on account of his forgetting that he'd left it there the day before.
And years in the future, nobody would believe him on account of the Marine witnesses present spreading the true story like wildfire in spite of how much he threatened and pleaded with them afterwards.
Said true story being that a little girl had sunk her teeth into his ass like a freaking cobra and absolutely refused to let go, no matter how much he howled and ran around frantically, arms flailing with all the dignity of a cat in a water-soaked sack in a room full of rocking chairs. And, quite honestly, there was only one way I, or hell, anyone could react to it.
"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" I cackled, falling onto the ground, pounding the floorboards with my fists. "TH-THIS IS COMEDY GO-HO-HO-HOLD! PFFHAHAHAHAAAA!"
"SHISHISHISHISHI!" Luffy howled alongside me, rolling about as he clutched his gut. "THIS IS GREAT! GO MERRY! SHISHISHISHI!"
"S-S-Someone get a picture of this! It'll be worth millions!" Nami shrieked, clutching Sanji in a desperate bid to keep herself upright. Sanji, for once, didn't fly into a Love Hurricane due to being too occupied with supporting himself on Nami.
"I-I'm trying!" Conis wheezed, her arm spasming furiously as she tried to hold her Vision Dial properly and stay upright. "B-B-But I'm laughing too h-hard! I c-c-can't keep a s-steady hand!"
"TSEEHEEHEEHEE!" Su, meanwhile, had no such restrictions and was flailing about on her back as she kept laughing.
In fact, most of the room was on the floor; the only ones upright were Zoro, Boss, and Robin, and they were either slumped over or on their knees. Even among the Marines, nobody was composed enough to be bothered to help their boss; Coby and Helmeppo were laughing themselves to tears, the grunts were accumulating grass stains, and the cool guy—Bogard, that's the name I knew him by—Bogard was hiding his face with his fedora, the shaking of his shoulders betraying the fact that he was trying with every fiber of his being not to burst out laughing himself.
Overall, it was… yeah, it was just straight-up hilarious.
At least five minutes passed before I managed to get enough of my mental facilities flaring to wonder what would happen when Garp finally got it in his head to get her off. The thought that came to mind brought with it a solution that would put an end to the conflict in a most beautiful way.
As such, I forced myself to my feet, staggered over to the flailing Garp, and grabbed Merry's torso. I tried to yank her off, but she barely even budged a bit. Still, not to be denied, I lifted my foot, planted it on Garp's backside and shoved as hard as I could. It was a hell of a struggle, but eventually I managed to yank her free!
RIIIIP!
Though it wasn't from any weakness on Merry's part.
Garp blinked slowly and sighed in relief as he realized the absence of pain in his hindquarters before stiffening as he also felt a breeze pass between his legs. "Oooooh sonnuva—!" He snapped his gaze around and stared in horror at the sight of his shorts hanging from Merry's grinning jaws. "Alright, brat, you listen, and you listen good. Whatever the hell you're thinking about doing, you stop thinking about it right the hell—!"
Merry sucked the shorts down in a single gulp before adopting a shameless grin. "Tasty!"
Garp's eyes twitched even as his jaw, as well as that of every other Marine and Luffy, dropped in shock.
I blinked numbly as I processed the… let's say 'interesting' developments that had just occurred before glancing down at Merry, my eyebrow cocked in confusion. "…Wasn't your figurehead supposed to be a sheep?"
"Baaaaah-ah-ah-ah!" Merry bleated unabashedly in response.
"Fair 'nuff," I conceded.
"HEEHEEHEEHOOHOOHOOHAHAHAAAAAA!" Soundbite howled. "I THINK I SEE some of me in her! Hahahahaaaa!"
"You… little…!" Garp grit out as he strangled the air before him. "What the hell is your problem!? Where the hell did all of that cutesy crap from before go!?"
Merry silently stared at him for a second before bowing her head, her hood ensuring that all that was visible was the corner of a light smirk. "Ha… hahahaaaa…"
And then, out of the blue—!
"MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Merry flung her head back and started cackling like a madwoman. "YE FOOLISH MARINE SOPS! YE REALLY DIDN'T GET THE MEMO DID YE!? WELL, ALLOW ME TO MAKE MATTERS UTTERLY CLEAR FOR YE!"
And with that, Merry grabbed the sides of her jacket and jerked it—
I paled in realization. "Ahhh, shit, we forgot to take our flag when we got off you, didn't we?"
The grin Merry shot at me matched that of the Jolly Roger emblazoned on the t-shirt she was wearing tooth for tooth. "I assure ye, I consider it to be a most fortuitous mistake. Now, if ye'll excuse me—DO YE GET THE PICTURE NOW, YE LANDLUBBER FOOLS!?" she shouted, returning to cackling at Garp and his men. "I MIGHT APPEAR TO BE A CUTE AND INNOCENT CARAVEL ON THE OUTSIDE, SURE, BUT IN ME KEEL AND SOUL?" She thumped a fist to her chest. "AH'LL EVER AND ALWAYS BE NOTHIN' LESS THAN A ROUGH-AND-TUMBLE, GROG-SWILLIN' MARINE-SINKIN' BUCCANEER, THROUGH AND THROUGH, AND DON'T YE EVER FORGET IT!"
I stared at Merry in open-mouthed awe as she finished her tirade and crossed her arms with a triumphant smirk, and I reacted in the only appropriate way I knew.
I smiled contentedly as I patted her head. "I am so proud of you, Merry. So proud."
"She's already taunting the Marines like a pro…" Usopp sobbed into his arm. "T-They grow up so fast!"
"To see the next generation do you proud!" Boss sobbed right along with him as he pumped his fist in the air. "A MAN'S ROMANCE AT ITS FINEST!"
"GO, BOSS, GO!" the TDWS concurred.
"You little…" Garp snarled out murderously, veins popping out on his forehead as he slowly cracked his knuckles. "Well, if you're seriously so intent on being a pirate, then I'm only happy to—!"
"Ah-Ah-AH!~" Soundbite sang with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. "REMEMBER, GARP: we were having 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' during this entire bit; YOU START JACK, I DROP THE SCRAMBLE, AND ALL THE REST OF THE WORLD will hear is YOU pummeling poor, innocent Merry and her big brother."
"The snail's right, Garp," I smirked confidently. "Hurt us now, and you will enjoy what I would like to call a 'Reverse Celestial Dragon' reaction. I.E., civilians rise up to lynch you. Care to try it?"
"…You've earned your place as the tactician of this crew, Jeremiah Cross," Garp nodded with begrudging respect. Merry and I exchanged victorious grins before freezing as he pinned us both with murderous glares. "And you've both earned a spot on my shitlist. Mark my words, there will be consequences."
"Leave my crew alone, Gramps!" Luffy protested before shrinking in on himself when Garp turned his glare at him. It only lasted for a moment, however, before Luffy set his face in stone. His legs were trembling like Usopp's, but he stood strong in the face of his grandfather's anger. "You can hit me all you want… but I won't forgive anyone who hurts my friends," he growled.
I had only a moment to appreciate him quoting Shanks again before Garp reared back his fist, clearly preparing to hit his grandson—
SHINK! "And family or not, I don't take threats to my captain lightly."
Only to pause as Zoro, Wado and Kitetsu in hand, moved to stand beside Luffy. Garp raised a brow.
"The mosshead has a point," Sanji conceded, moving to Luffy's opposite side. I hastily glanced at Lassoo and nodded at him, prompting him to snap into his hybrid form and snarl menacingly even as he and I moved along with the rest of the crew to stand beside the Monster Trio.
"After all, a captain's duty may be to his crew—" Boss continued, the TDWS flanking him proudly.
"But a crew's duty is to their captain," Nami finished as she and Usopp both readied their weapons.
"It should be obvious by now, Vice Admiral Garp," Vivi said coolly, a Lion Cutter spinning in her hands. "If you threaten one of the Straw Hat Pirates, you threaten all of the Straw Hat Pirates."
Garp took in the sight of us all standing together. Sanji, Chopper, and Robin all glared at him in challenge, while the rest of the crew had their weapons in hand to match their glares. And Luffy? His expression hadn't faltered, and his trembling had stopped dead.
Merry took it all in for a second before adopting a massive fond smile. "I love this crew…" she whispered joyously.
After a few seconds, Garp lowered his arm with a put-upon sigh—and I think a mutter of 'damn déjà-vu'? Either way, a bittersweet grin came over his face. "Well, if nothing else good came of this, I'm glad my stupid grandson has found companions who care about him that much." He turned away and folded his arms with a huff. "Eh, whatever. I'm on vacation right now anyway, so I'm under no obligation to try catching you. Do whatever the hell you want, however utterly foolish it might be."
I heaved a sigh of relief before snapping my head up with an eager grin as inspiration suddenly slugged me. "Weeell, if that's the case, seeing as you're not busy and all, think you could spare the time to outline a method or three on how to train some techniques? Like, oh, off the top of my head… Haki or—?"
"Not on your life, ass," Garp snorted as he dug a pinkie up his nose.
I shot a desperate look at Vivi, and she shot a long-suffering look at the ceiling before smiling beatifically. "Oh, come now, Vice Admiral, don't be like that. Please tell us everything you know about Haki?" Vivi asked politely.
Garp paused for a moment, and for that moment, I thought it had worked.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
I found myself brutally disabused of that notion when he started laughing his head off.
"HAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHaaaa!" Garp finally wound down, wheezing as he pressed his hand to his face before glancing at us from under his fingers. "Really, Cross is one thing, the world knows he's completely insane, but I'd expect the rest of you to know how completely absurd the concept of me answering to a will as weak as that is."
Vivi paled in shock. "W-Wait, you—?"
"Noticed that you just tried to enforce your Sovereign's Will on me?" Garp scoffed with a wave of his hand. "Psh! Of course I did! After all…" He shot a smirk over his shoulder. "You're not one of the very few people to whom I answer!"
I prepared to throw in the towel, but then a thought flitted through my mind, and I hastily pasted a defeated scowl on my face. "Ah, but of course! Vivi's will was in no way a match for your own! She could never get you to do what she said properly, I should have known!" I proclaimed melodramatically.
"Feh, moron," Garp scoffed as he dug his finger in his ear. "You know as well as I do that willpower is only half the battle when it comes to the Sovereign's Will subset of Conqueror's Haki! The other half of it is respect! After all, Conquerors get people to kneel before them through a sheer flood of willpower. Sovereigns, on the other hand, like your princess friend, play on the natural aura of leadership they exude to get people to bow and obey before them. Different personalities and ways of ruling, different results. But, eh." He waved his hand dismissively. "You already knew all that."
"Or at least, we know it now!" Su snickered behind her paw. "Thanks a lot for the tidbits, gramps! Tseeheeheeheeeee!"
Garp froze in a spot as the blood drained from his face before he wheeled around and started strangling the air… again. "Yoooou…"
"And we are back!" I said, stopping the Vice Admiral in his place as I rolled my finger at Soundbite. "Sorry about that, loyal viewers, but… well, let's just say that the good Vice Admiral may have had a bout of narcolepsy, which may have resulted in the unfortunate and untimely demise of his pants. So, following the trouser malfunction that the world will never know of, we stand here with Vice Admiral Garp now perfectly composed, but without suitable bottom garments. So…" I glanced downward with a cocked brow. "Fire hydrant-print boxers, eh?"
Garp promptly flushed brick red, though whether it was from outrage or being reminded that he was still sans pants, I couldn't even begin to tell.
"Points for being innovative, at least." My grin widened tauntingly. "Oooor not, seeing as the figurehead of your ship is a dog. Do I sense a theme here?"
At that point, everyone within earshot lost it again.
-o-
The raucous laughter coming from the Transponder Snail was only matched by the raucous laughter coming from two long-suffering, aged citizens.
"BAHAHAHAHA! Ohohoh, I've wanted to hear that old bastard get his for decades! This has been coming for a long time!" Dadan crowed as she pounded on the makeshift bar she'd set up in her hideout.
"WAHAHAHA! I'm right there with you, bandit! I'll never object to the SBS again, this justifies everything!" Woop Slap cackled.
Makino cocked an eyebrow at the display before leaning towards Dogra and Magra. "Is this the happiest you've ever seen?"
"By far," the bandits nodded in sage agreement.
"Well, in that case, this calls for something special!" the kindly bartender proclaimed enthusiastically, walking over to a corner of the bar and withdrawing an unopened bottle. "I was saving this bottle of Wano Rice Wine that Shanks left me for a good time, and this seems as good an occasion as any to open it!"
"AGREED!" Woop Slap and Dadan proclaimed eagerly.
As the laughter redoubled, Makino filled a few glasses, passed them around and raised one for herself. "To the Straw Hat Pirates, who never cease to amaze and inspire!"
"Cheers!"
-o-
Garp fumed and hissed indignantly for a moment before slumping over with a defeated sigh. "Oh, for the love of—enough, enough! Luffy, your crew is utterly exhausting, and I give up. BUT!" he barked as he drew himself up and slid his shades back over his eyes. "I'm not going to let that get me down! I'm still in a beautiful and thriving city, and I'm still on the first vacation I've had in years! So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and enjoy myself, and nothing anyone can say is going to change my—!"
"Puru puru puru puru!"
"Call on the direct line from Marineford for you, Vice Admiral," Bogard deadpanned as he withdrew a Transponder Snail from his coat.
Garp stiffened fearfully, knocking his glasses askew in the process. "As I was saying, I'm going right back to my ship and setting off for Marineford right as soon as my men are finished with their shore leave!" he bit out hastily, spinning on his heel and striding out of the building as fast as his feet could take him. Then he paused just outside and turned back around, his arms crossed and his head bowed.
"But still… I suppose that while I have this opportunity… so long as my voice has even half a chance of reaching my idiot son… Then this just has to be said."
Everyone fell silent in anticipation of what Garp could possibly want to say.
"GET A JOB!"
WHAM!
Honestly, now, it was my fault, well and truly. I really should have known better than to expect anything even remotely different from someone like a damn Monkey. Still, as it was, at least I was starting to gain a tolerance to headaches from hitting my head against the floor so much. I was also starting to taste copper, though I'm fairly certain that was supposed to be a bad thing.
"Eh…?" I slowly raised my hand as I lifted my head. "Did you not hear that little speech I made earlier? About him freeing the world from tyranny and all that?"
Garp's response was to snort out a load of steam. "THAT'S A HOBBY!"
"Oooof course," I groaned as I hung my head in defeat. "What the hell was I thinking?"
"Well, that's it, then," Garp spun on his heel and legitimately booked it, the Marines outside hastily moving out of his path. "SAFE TRAVELS!"
We all stared silently after him before Luffy grinned at Coby. "So! What's new with you?"
I hastily elbowed Nami as I once again covered the mic. "I'll direct their conversation and pump him for as much intel as I can get if you'll record it all," I hissed subtly.
The CHA-CHING! I practically heard her spine snap straight as all I needed in answer. Heck, maybe this could even make paying off my newly acquired debt semi-plausi—!
"STRAW HATS! STRAW HATS!"
'What did I do to deserve this?' I groaned inwardly as I turned towards the frantic and dishevelled Galley-La worker who was running up towards the hole in the house. "Before you say anything!" I cut him off with a raised hand. "I already know what you're here about, and it's being handled."
"YOU—wait, what? So you already know about the crazy elephant in your crew's storage locker?"
"Yes, we've already dealt with the Mari—" I froze as his words sank in, and all eyes turned towards him. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
"Eh, just that there's a crazy elephant in your crew's storage locker," the worker shrugged indifferently. "But hey, if you've already got that handled—!"
"Sir, sir," I interrupted him again. "I'd just like to remind you that I've been on the Grand Line for several months now, so I think that it says a lot about just how utterly confused I am when I say WHAT!?"
-o-
"…You have got to be kidding me…" I muttered incredulously as the Galley-La worker and I leaned around the corner of the door to my crew's storage locker, peering inside. "Out of the literal dozens of discarded swords on that godforsaken bridge that I could have grabbed, I chose the one with the elephant Zoan in it!?"
"BAROOOOOOH!"
"Apparently yes," Soundbite deadpanned, following Funkfreed with his eyes as he reared up on his hind legs, trunk flailing about as he fought off the half-dozen dockworkers that were trying to subdue him. "And for the record, HE HASN'T SAID JACK YET, HE'S JUST BEEN YELLING INCOHERENTLY."
"Congratulations, Cross," Lassoo chuffed flatly as he ground a paw into his forehead. "Your luck has officially hit an all-time low."
I grimaced as I found myself unable to refute that statement before morphing it into a scowl. "That may be so, but you're forgetting one particular aspect of the luck of the Straw Hats: when our luck bites us in the ass, we turn it right the hell around and make it work for us!" And with that, I walked out from around the doorframe and strode into the warehouse. "Come on, guys."
Lassoo briefly eyed the rampaging elephant-sword before swallowing audibly. "Ah… can we vote on this, or—?"
"Lassoo!"
The dog-cannon flinched and followed me with a defeated whimper. Nodding, I turned in the general direction of the elephant and marched up to about a few meters away from him, waving off the shipwrights trying to subdue him in the process. "Hey, Timmy Trumpet!" I called out, spreading my arms invitingly. "Remember me?"
The white behemoth swung his head towards me, his narrowed eyes snapping wide with outrage.
"BAROOOOOOOOOOOOH!"
The Zoan-weapon turned his mass towards me, his trunk reverting to a massive blade as he prepared to mow me down…
"HOLD IT!"
Only to stall in place when I snapped my hand up.
"Listen," I calmly prompted. "I can imagine just how totally pissed off you are, and honestly, going by the craters you're sporting there—" I gestured at the talon-prints indented in Funkfreed's brow. "You have every right to be. But all I ask is for a few minutes of your time, alright? If you're not satisfied by the time I'm done talking…" My expression fell flat as I jerked my thumb at Lassoo. "Then you can take it up with him."
"GRRRRRRR!"
Lassoo drew his hackles back in a vicious snarl, flames roiling between his jaws.
Funkfreed eyed his fellow animal-weapon, his expression unreadable, before allowing his trunk to relax back into flesh with a dark snort.
"Glad to hear it," I said, crossing my arms. "Now, then, while you've got a legitimate grievance about the dents you've taken to the skull…" I snapped my finger up and pointed it at him. "I think that that's the only legitimate grievance you have right now!"
"Eh?!" Soundbite, Lassoo and the dockworkers around me yelped incredulously, matching Funkfreed's own dumbstruck look.
"Well, yeah!" I forged on. "After all, it was thanks to our crew invading Enies that you saw the first piece of action you've undoubtedly experienced in… what, a year? A decade? Your entire life? Because, come on, let's face facts here! You were Spandam's sword, and Spandam was a lot of things: a bastard, a degenerate, the list goes on and on, but two things he was above all else? He was a weakling and a coward! That means that he never, ever got into fights if he could help it, and you were a superfluous accessory at best. And can you honestly tell me that I'm wrong?"
The elephant snorted and jerked his head forward in defiance, but after a second of me glaring him down, he looked away, and I heard a mumbled sound come from his mouth.
"One for one," Soundbite confirmed. "Apparently, he was more pet than WEAPON."
"Eesh, poor bastard…" Lassoo flinched sympathetically.
"My thoughts exactly," I nodded. "Now, look, Funkfreed… what I want you to do for me is I want you to confirm your life up until now with whatever you remember of the Bridge of Hesitation. You remember how I grabbed you, right? I was actually using you for once in your life, how you finally got to fulfill your life's purpose?"
The sword glanced side to side fretfully for a moment before letting out a positive-sounding bray.
"That's what I hoped. Now, look, you're at a crossroads right now." I popped up a finger. "On the one hand, you can stay loyal to the Marines; fight me, possibly fight my crew, inevitably get your ass whipped, and we'll let Garp take you back to the Corps. Maybe they'll destroy you so they can reacquire your fruit; more likely, they'll transfer you to another officer for their own use. Whether they'd be better or worse than Spandam, I couldn't tell you. No matter what, though, it'd be a gamble. Personally?" I popped up my second finger and then pointed it at myself. "I'd take the second option, the guaranteed satisfaction option, of coming with me, and letting me be your wielder."
"WHAT!?" everyone squawked incredulously, even Funkfreed reeling back in shock.
"Well, yeah!" I said, throwing my arms out. "Come on, think about it! You know how utterly insane my life is, how nuts my crew's lives are! And me, personally, I get in fights all the damn time! And, well…" I flexed my gauntlets demonstratively. "As good as these babies are, I do enjoy having a guaranteed backup weapon on me. My old baton was good, but, well… it's gone now. And, I'll admit, I'm not a swordsman, that is a fact, and for a while I'd be pulling a Spandam by relying on your powers… but…"
I clenched my fists. "But I'm willing to try. I'm willing to learn. I'm willing to match whatever effort you put in, step for step. You do right by me by supporting me, and I'll do right by you by not only helping you use your abilities to the fullest, but by giving you the best damn fights any sword on these seas has ever known!" I held my hand out to him invitingly. "Whaddaya say… friend?"
Funkfreed brayed and trumpeted hesitantly, glancing to and fro as he debated with himself.
"Ah… hey. Funkfreed, right?"
The elephant-blade blinked in surprise as Lassoo padded forward, his head cocked to the side.
"Listen…" The dog-gun glanced to the side sheepishly as he rubbed his shoulder. "I'm… sorry for my earlier reaction, alright? That was… not nice. But I've stood where you are now, and if you want my advice?" He affixed Funkfreed with a firm gaze. "If you turn him down, you'll be making the worst mistake of your life. This pirate…" Lassoo shot a smirk over his shoulder at me. "He's as nutty as they come, insane even, but he's more than a good wielder, he's a good friend. And if he wants you as his sword? Then friend, you should consider yourself to be the luckiest damn blade on the six seas… just like how I'm the luckiest damn gun."
I sniffed gratefully as I fought to hold my tears back before kneeling down and scratching Lassoo's chin. "Good dog," I whispered happily.
"Hweehweehwee!" Lassoo laughed as he planted a slobber-laden lick on my face. "Best friend!"
Funkfreed kept his head bowed as he thought things over. Then, at last, a determined glint came into his eye.
"Alright…" he whispered before raising his head and voice confidently as he extended his trunk. "Alright, I'm in! Put 'er the—!"
SMASH!
He cut himself off as both he and the rest of us faceplanted hard enough to shake the floor. But above the din of the titanic impact, a single, very familiar noise sounded out.
"HAHAHAHOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEE!" Soundbite howled ecstatically. "Oh joyous day, OH JOYOUS DA-A-AY!"
"YOU ARE FUCKING SHAMELESS, SLIMESTAIN!" I spat viciously as I hauled my face up from the ground. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO EVERY ANIMAL HAVING THEIR OWN DAMN VOICE!?"
"SCREW THAT!" Soundbite cackled in my face in response. "This was a golden opportunity, no way in hell was I LETTING SOMETHING LIKE MORAL INTEGRITY STAND IN THE WAY OF THE HOLY TRIFECTA!"
"HE IS A GOD-DAMN ELEPHANT!" I snarled as I jabbed my finger at said elephant in the room. "WHERE IN THE HELL DO YOU GET MOUSE FROM THAT!?"
"I get it from 'I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS!'" the snail replied with a smirk. "And I don't give a damn if the demons Disney calls its lawyers REACH ACROSS THE DIMENSIONAL BARRIER TO SLAP MY SMILE OFF MY FACE WITH COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT, the voice stays!"
"I WILL FUCKING EAT YOU!"
"What did I just get myself into…?" Funkfreed wept into the ground.
"No takebacksies, we're stuck on this mad ride together…" Lassoo chuffed sympathetically.
"Ugh…" I groaned as I got back on my feet. "Screw it, I know better than to try and change his mind, so let's just get back to the crew." I held my hand out to him. "If you wouldn't mind?"
"Ah, right, gimme a sec…" Funkfreed nodded hastily, placing his trunk to the ground and shifting to his sword-form, leaving an ornate blade planted upright in the stonework.
I blinked in surprise at the display before grabbing Funkfreed's hilt and drawing him from the ground, weighing him in my hand a bit before turning to the nearest Galley-La worker. "Alright, first things first: Did he actually crush anything important?"
"Ah… nah, nah, nothing like that," the shipwright assured me. "He knocked a few things over, sure, but everything looks to be alright."
I heaved a sigh of relief. "Perfect. If Nami found out that my new sword actually managed to crush her mother's trees…" I shivered in horror. "Yeah, no. I want to be able to sleep at night. Alright, alright, one more question before I go…" I pointed at Funkfreed. "Got any spare sheaths lying around that are close to a size him?"