~o~
"Alright, here's how things are going to hash out," I said as I held up a single finger. "Team 1, a.k.a. 'Gatecrasher', will be the ones who walk in the front door, pretending to fall for the island's tricks, and when we get deep enough into the heart of it, sabotage. That team will consist of Conis, Su, Robin, Usopp, Lassoo, Soundbite, and myself. And before you say anything, Funkfreed," I added, holding up a reassuring hand to the elephant, "the only reason I won't have you with me is that I have something special in mind for you. You won't be acting as a sword, but you will definitely be right in the thick of the action."
"Works for me!" the elephant saluted with his trunk.
"Incidentally, Cross, I'm curious about something," Brook interjected. "One weapon that merged with a Zoan Devil Fruit is interesting, but two seems to be a pattern, and considering your secret… are you making a habit of collecting them?"
I blinked as the weapons in question looked at me in askance, and I shrugged. "Not intentionally, shit just lines up like that. Though I am happy with the results. And they were the only two Zoan weapons I can remember, so—" I frowned as a certain monstrous slime salamander came to mind. "…Strike that, there was one other, but 'weapon' doesn't begin to describe it, and I'm pretty certain that even 'properly sapient' is a stretch. Aaaand that's a long way off besides… Anyway, as I was saying, I don't think I can make a habit of it, so no."
Brook nodded, and I shifted back to what I was saying before. "Anyway, getting back on topic… First of all, Merry, now's the time to forego surprise in favour of strategy; what have we got in the Soldier Dock System?"
A slight air of disappointment brushed across Merry's face, but it was only for a second before she withdrew a pair of blueprints from her coat and laid them out. "Channel 1 is the Mini-Moby Motorboat, designed for covert ops or shopping trips. Carrying capacity is five fully grown humans plus baggage. And Channel 2 is the Gator Glider airboat. The giant fan engine sacrifices subtlety for speed, but it's big enough to load eight fully grown humans plus baggage."
"Perfect. Team 1 will take the Mini-Moby, then we'll head for the island's moat and meet up with their scout, which should lead us straight to the mansion in the middle of the island that the Mysterious Four use as their base. And once we're there…"
I slowly turned to look at our doctor. "Chopper, I'm going to guess that you can tell us all about one Doctor Hogback, right?"
"Doctor Hogback!?" our doctor squealed ecstatically, stars practically sparkling in his eyes. "Of course I can! He's the Vegapunk of medical science, the absolute most brilliant surgeon the whole world over! He's saved countless lives that many others thought were completely forfeited! A bona fide genius without par, admired by all doctors bar none! But…" Chopper tilted his head to the side curiously. "One day, he just disappeared, without any warning whatsoever. People have been wondering where he's been for years… unless…"
Chopper gasped deeply, and I felt a brief flare of hope in my chest… only for a renewed round of sparkling to dash my hopes to nothing. "Do you know where Doctor Hogback is, Cross? Can I meet him, can I, can I?"
"Ah…" I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably, looking anywhere but at those too-innocent eyes of his. Going by the way that everyone else—even Luffy—was exchanging uneasy looks, they'd put the pieces together, too. Unfortunately, none of the traitors decided to relieve me of the burden of breaking our poor reindeer's hearts.
"Chopper… you remember that the Shadow-Shadow fruit works by animating cadavers with stolen shadows, right?" I asked quietly.
"Uh…" The sparkle died in Chopper's eyes in favour of confusion as he slowly nodded. "Yeah? Why, what does that matter?"
"It matters…" I dragged the words out painfully. "Because while the shadows can animate the bodies, they still need said bodies to actually work. They need working joints, connected tendons… basically, they need bodies that are dead, but in proper physical condition nonetheless."
Chopper frowned in confusion. "But… dead bodies decompose. They'd be unsuitable for… for anything!"
"Unless…" I sighed despondently, resigning myself to what I was about to do. "The person my team is targeting was to fix them up; retrofit them with new bones, new muscles, new everything… until they were better in death than they ever were in life."
Chopper 'ah'd and started to nod in agreement before his entire body froze, horrified realization obvious in his eyes. There was a tense silence as he just… stared at me.
"…you're—" he whispered softly, struggling to finish his sentence.
"Wrong?" I asked back, just as softly. "How? Lying? Why?"
Chopper's jaw silently opened and shut until he swallowed heavily. "…why?" he parroted with a croak.
I grimaced at what I was about to say. "Hogback… was proud of his skills as a surgeon, but he was only ever in it for money. All the patients who came to him for his miraculous skills he saw as annoyances, and he looked down on any doctors who actually enjoyed helping others. Moria… he got him on board by letting him resurrect a dead actress he had a crush on. That civilian maid who lost her shadow… she's the one who has it. She's his…" I tried to find a term that didn't sound utterly horrible, but… "Let's go with 'personal assistant'."
Silence fell for a full minute as Chopper bowed his head, his body shuddering and shivering uncontrollably. Then, without warning, Chopper raised his head, and I recoiled at the glowing cyan pits that his eyes had become.
"Calm down, Cross, I'm in full control this time," Chopper stated, though his tone made everyone shiver. "I should thank you, actually. After all, you've just shown me what's needed to tame the irrational part of my genius: focusing the entirety of my psychosis on a singular target."
"Is… that so…" Merry got out uncomfortably.
"Hogback…" Chopper muttered like a reindeer possessed, apparently ignoring us. "I looked up to him… I respected him… I admired him…" Chopper's hooves clenched, and his eyes blazed with unholy fury. "AND I WANT TEN MINUTES ALONE WITH HIM."
I shuddered slightly at the pure murder in his voice, but I managed to steel my nerve enough to respond. "You'll get as long as you want, Chopper," I assured him. "Exact whatever pounds of flesh you want. Just let my team grab him and get him to spill his guts to the world first. He's the weakest of the Mysterious Four, but he still has all the knowledge of the godforsaken place in his head. So long as I can get him talking to the world, then they'll all be screwed to hell and back. After that, his fat ass is all yours. Does that sound good to you?"
Chopper kept trembling for a bit, his nostrils flaring with snorts of impotent rage, and then he slumped forward with a defeated sigh, the shadows seeming to melt away from his face and leaving him just looking… drained.
The Zoan-reindeer took a few more calming breaths before looking up, his eyes pleading. "Cross… I-I just… I have to know. Did he… ever really succeed in resurrecting the dead? Was it all… just a lie?"
I slowly closed my eyes as I recalled a specific moment in the arc.
"…In the final showdown against him, you appealed to Cindry, trying to stir her memories. Logic says it shouldn't have worked, that there should have been nothing and nobody in her, but…" A wistful smile crossed my face. "For an instant… her heart beat again. She smiled as she did a thousand times before when she was alive, like she'd never done in death… and she found peace."
I stared off at nothing for a second before morosely focusing on Chopper. "Maybe there is a way to permanently fend off the Reaper, Chopper, maybe there is—!"
"But that's not it," he ground out immediately, his gaze as cold as steel. "What you described… that's not true life. It's not medicine. I'll keep looking for the solution the right way."
I nodded with some relief and turned to regard the rest of the crew. "Anyway, the short version is that Team 1 will be responsible for meeting Hogback, capturing him, interrogating him, and then putting him out of commission so that he can't assume control of the zombies. Any objections?"
None were forthcoming.
"Perfect. Now, moving on to Team 2…" I grimaced uncomfortably. "Your task will be both more dangerous and more difficult."
~o~
"Well, this is certainly a hospitable welcome," Su deadpanned as she sat in the carriage's empty driver seat, staring at the equally vacant spot where the 'horses' had been.
"Mrgh, it's certainly standard fare for these parts…" I scratched my chin thoughtfully as I eyeballed the gate standing between us and the impressively large manor that stood in the distance. "Though… I don't get why he pulled it. I could have sworn that he only did it in the story because Nami, Chopper and, well…" I nodded at Usopp, who responded with a flat leer. "All chickened out because of that sideshow we rode by earlier."
"Now that doesn't make much sense," Robin hummed to herself. "After all, I didn't think that those zombies we saw earlier were all that frightening. Why, I'd even say they were quite cute."
"Um, Robin?" Conis scratched the back of her head with an uncomfortable grin. "Please don't take this the wrong way, but… that's because your mind is a very dark, scary, and wrong place. No offence."
Robin blinked at her in honest confusion. "Why would I take offense from that?"
A sweatdrop hung from Conis' brow. "Very, very wrong."
"Personally?" Lassoo panted as he licked his chops unabashedly. "All those aged meats just made me hungry."
"You're just wrong in so many ways, full-stop," Su stated flatly.
"If we could get back on topic, please?" Usopp whimpered fearfully.
"It's Cross's fault!" Soundbite sang.
"Blow it out of your shell," I deadpanned.
"Actually, I'M NOT KIDDING!" my snail leered impishly. "HILDY FLEW OFF cackling to himself over making Jeremiah Cross piss his pants IN TERROR!"
"…oh," I chuckled apologetically. "Ah… whoops? W-Well, if that's all the flighty bastard wants, then I say we get out of here fast, before—!"
CRACK!
We all stiffened fearfully as the sound of the earth splitting open rang out like shattered glass, punctuated by a faint but slowly rising groaning.
"…crap," Usopp whimpered fearfully, leading us all in slowly turning to face the source of the unholy noise.
There was a second or two of stillness as the ground cracked and shuddered, but before long, with a singular heave of movement, I got my first look at the living dead.
My first reaction upon seeing the zombies was to flinch away. Not in terror, mind you; their overall demeanour and superior numbers were rather concerning, sure, but my prior knowledge meant they weren't that scary. Rather, it was on account of a situation much similar to the first (and only, thus far) time I met a fishman: The dark and dismal devil lay in the unshown details.
And the detail of this day was that while Hogback was good, rotting flesh was still rotting. I hadn't seen it before in the horsemen or the denizens of the woods because of the fog and gloom being thicker there, but now? What I was being confronted with wasn't an array of the undead you'd find in normal anime or cartoons, but rather a full-blown horde that had just clawed its way off the set of The Walking Dead! Missing tracts of skin and flesh, distorted and gaunt features, discoloured musculature… and those were just the ones who still looked human. Others just looked… mismatched; too-large limbs, too-small heads, and everything in between.
And there was an army of these things on the island, with these guys the absolute least of their ranks?! I woefully resigned myself to the fact that we were in for a loooong day… Or night, I guess? Ergh, the sooner we get out of this damn fog…
Robin and Conis both snapped into ready positions, Robin crossing her arms and Conis grabbing at the grip of her Blaze Bazooka, only to pause uncertainly. "Ah…" they chorused.
"Yeah, not much we can do against an army of the undead!" I snapped. "Right now, there's only one thing we can do!"
"YEAH!" Soundbite cackled. "And you know what that is?!"
"Run like hell!?" Usopp choked in terror.
"Ye—!" I started to concur.
"NOPE!" Soundbite cut me off with a roar of laughter. "ROCK LIKE HECK!"
"Wait, wha—?" I stiffened as realization hit me upside the head with a crowbar. "Oh, nonono—!"
I tried to dissuade the little shit, I really, really did, but barely a second later all anyone or I could do was flinch and pause at the sound of wolves howling in the distance. Wolves that were almost immediately accompanied by a very familiar synth riff.
"IT'S CLOSE TO MIIIIIDNIGHT
SOMETHING EVIL'S LURKING IN THE DARK!"
"Oi vey…" I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "Soundbite, your taste is officially deader than disco."
"WAIT UNTIL I Rick Roll your wake!" Soundbite chortled without missing so much as a single riff.
"Another off-colour reference, I take it?" Robin asked dryly as she warily eyed the yet-paused horde of the undead.
"Eh…" I waved my hand in a non-committal manner. "Not so much 'off-colour' as 'supremely cheesy'…" I pegged my snail with a glare. "And also at the worst possible time."
"If not now, THEN FREAKING WHEN!?" Soundbite sniffed.
"Preferably at some point when I'm far, far away from here and we're not all in danger of being torn apart!" Usopp snapped irritably.
"NYEH!" Soundbite responded by sticking his tongue out in a very mature manner.
"Ugh," I rolled my eyes in… more exasperation than disgust, really. It wasn't like this was that bad in the grand scheme of things. "Well, at least you've somehow managed to baffle the zombies with your bullshit. Once they snap out of it, though—!"
"Ah… Cross?"
"Hm?" I glanced at Su curiously.
"I… don't think that that's going to be much of a problem," she stated.
"What are… you…?" I trailed off as I looked back at the zombies.
"YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND HOPE THAT THIS IS JUST IMAGINATION!"
I… really didn't want to believe what my eyes were telling me at the moment, but it wasn't like I really had a choice: I couldn't even begin to deny that the cadavers seemed to be all but sniffing the air as the song built to a crescendo.
'Could they?' I wondered. 'Nah, they can't be. That would be too much. It's just not—!'
"What are they doing?" Lassoo asked as the zombies started to move.
"They appear to be… getting into positions…" Conis summarized weakly.
And indeed, it appeared the zombies were shuffling around, slowly starting to form ranks… and… assemble into a triangle. Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
"DARKNESS FALLS ACROSS THE LAND
THE MIDNIGHT HOUR IS CLOSE AT HAND!"
"Uh… Should we be worried?" Robin asked me quietly as the zombies all stared silently at us.
"Eeeheeheeheeeeee!" Soundbite giggled eagerly, clearly relishing how what had started out as a mere off-colour reference was spiralling beyond anything he could have predicted.
I wanted to respond in a more coherent manner, but the song switching up to Vincent-freaking-Price had killed any chance of that. After all, that meant…
Yup. The instant the voiceover ended (and, good God, having Vincent Price do a voiceover for real life was absolutely chilling), the synth picked up again, and the zombies began marching in step with the beat, twitching their heads to the right. Then they swung their arms out, shifting to the side and outright headbanging, their legs showing far more dexterity than they really should have. And then they started shuffling, swaying, and stepping towards us.
It was right as they did a jumping jack and a slide move when Soundbite began cackling at a level that Price himself would have been proud of. "THIS. IS. PERFECT! HAHAHA! BETTER THAN I could have ever possibly conceived! Ohhh, I love-love-LOVE the Grand Line!"
I felt my hands and legs twitch as the zombies did the classic claw-handed sway. "It certainly is a… unique location."
"I gotta admit," Su whistled with no small amount of awe. "For a bunch of stiffs missing half their asses, these guys can shake what little they have left."
"It's like a Sea King attack…" Usopp muttered as he stared through his fingers. "So horrifying… but you can't look away."
"For the record, if you need a solid surface?" Soundbite whistled in faux innocence. "THE CARRIAGE IS EVER-READY FOR YOUR SKULL!"
I was still for a moment as I watched the still-boogying zombies before slowly turning my head to direct a blank stare at my partner. "And… why would I want to do that?" I asked flatly.
"…eh?" the snail blinked in confusion.
"Well, c'mon, like I said earlier: it's not the universe screwing with me, just you," I stated in a still-casual manner. "These zombies are dancing? I kinda remember them doing this in the story, and them knowing this song and dance… is actually quite humorous. Awe-inspiring even."
"That's all well and good, Cross," Robin muttered subtly as she kept an eye on the display. "But if they're distracted, shouldn't we be going?"
I slowly turned my blank stare on her. "Why?" I asked, my tone still under lock and key. "They're not doing anything harmful, and giving the others more time to get in position only helps us."
"I… see…" she nodded hesitantly. "So… we're just going to stand here and watch these… meat-puppets dance?"
"Well," I jerked my head to the side. "You're going to watch them dance. I am going to be doing… something else."
Robin blinked in surprise. "And… that would be…?"
"Robin," I said as I started to work my arms out of my jacket and fold it up, placing a more-and-more eager Soundbite on top of the bundle. "We are currently in the presence of real live zombies dancing to the song 'Thriller' by Michael Jackson. This performance is one of the most iconic performances in my world, even though it was first performed nearly thirty years ago. There is only one thing I can do in this situation."
I shoved my jacket and partner into her arms. "Hold my snail."
As the zombies stomped around to face away from us, I joined in, moving in tandem.
"FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT!" I belted out as I and the mass of zombies stomped back. Right after the "EIGHT!" I whirled around, the entire crowd following me. And there it was.
"'CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER!"
"THRILLER NIGHT!"
It's amazing how easy it was to lead a pack of zombies in a professionally made dance routine. The zombies knew what they were doing, obviously, but I'd never done anything like this before, and to pull them off flawlessly?
Okay, not flawlessly. I got my feet tangled up once or twice on slide shuffles, and the spins always left me a bit disoriented afterward, but I was doing way better than I had any right to. But I had two things working in my favour. As I said, the zombies knew what they were doing, and if I got lost, I could quickly catch up. More importantly, though? That song. That song.
"YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE INSIDE A"
"KILLER"
"THRILLER"
"AH!"
All I needed to do was let the song take over. That's all. Somehow, my body knew what moves to make. The mistakes I mentioned earlier were mistakes of execution, not of ignorance. King of fucking Pop indeed.
Finally, one last spin after another stomp backwards put me facing my team again, somewhat hunched over, one arm held in front of me, with the zombies crouched all around. At that point, there was really only one thing to say.
"EAT YOUR HEART OUT, JACKSON!" I belted out.
The original repetitive synth riffs sounded out again, Vincent Price doing his trademark evil laugh in the background, and I was all set to shuffle forward, crowd of zombies at my back and wide-eyed crewmates in front…
"GYAGH!"
When I was interrupted by a vicegrip clamping down onto my left ear and nearly tearing it clean off my head with a harsh yank, the music cutting out to the sound of a record scratch.
"You will ever and always find new ways to top yourself, brother mine," Robin grit out as she dragged me towards the blatantly haunted mansion that loomed over us, the zombies behind us too stunned by the development and the sudden stop of the music to do much more than stare.
"I wouldn't—AGH!—expect you of all people to stop—YEOW!—me from having a nice bit—OWOWOW!—of macabre fun, sister dear," I accused as I struggled to keep pace with her.
"There's a fine line between 'fun' and 'overkill,' especially in a situation like this," she replied.
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS OVERKILL! There is only 'DEAD' and 'NOT DEAD ENOUGH! HEEHEE—HURK!" Soundbite was cut off by a newly materialized hand grabbing his tongue.
"I usually handle my many and varied affairs with an open hand," Robin flatly informed him. "But I will become the first person in the world to willingly punch a snail if I have to. Understood?"
"…aheheh…" Soundbite chuckled warily as I took him back and put him back on my shoulder. "Too far, I TAKE IT?"
"Liiiittle bit," Lassoo pinched the toes of his paw together as he trotted alongside us.
"If it's any consolation?" Conis chuckled sheepishly as she and Usopp scrambled to keep up with our archaeologist. "I thought that you were quite good."
"Thank—ergh!—you," I said, around the hand, twisting my ear.
"Uhhh…" one of the zombies piped up uneasily, slowly raising its hand. "So…"
That turned out to be a mistake on his part, because it prompted Robin to release my ear and wheel around, shooting a positively lethal glare at the horde that caused them to flinch as one. "We are going ahead to the mansion now."
She narrowed her eyes and slowly crossed her arms over her chest. "Unless any of you would like to stand in our way?"
Almost in unison, the zombies all dove forward… right into the ground, burying their heads and shoulders and leaving their rotting forms sticking up in a grove of bodies.
Robin took a moment before turning around, her anger gone and nary a hint of bemusement betraying the cool satisfaction she displayed. "Good. Now, shall we?" She didn't wait for an answer before resuming her stride.
We were all quick to scramble after her, none of us willing to fall too far behind and risk drawing her wrath.
"She used to be your enemy!?" Conis hissed out of the corner of her mouth with nigh hysterical incredulity.
"Trust me, we liked that particular relationship as much as you'd possibly expect!" I hissed back.
"This really is a horror-house island…" Usopp whimpered miserably as he yanked his hat as far down as he could.
From there on, we continued down the fog-laden path in silence, slowly but steadily approaching the impressive (in scale, if nothing else) manor, nothing stirring from air or ground to disturb our progress. As such, we reached the front doors without any trouble. Or, well, front-archway, but same difference.
I let out a low whistle as we walked into the shadowy tunnel. Gothic house of nightmares or not, I couldn't deny that it had a certain air of unmistakable majesty to it.
I hid a smirk behind my fist. It was gonna be fun to put this place to the—! Heheheh, too close. Don't wanna spoil anything juuuust yet.
Of course, the mystique was kinda ruined by the old well situated next to the door that was being illuminated by a spotlight.
The well's rope started to creak, presumably from Cindry being pulled up by whatever mechanism she was currently hanging from, and I was patiently waiting for her to appear…
"I hear with my little ear, a STIFF hanging in a well!"
When Soundbite decided to pipe up and be… well, Soundbite.
"GAAAH!" Hogback shrieked as he slammed the mansion door open, staring at us in naked terror. "H-H-HOW DID YOU KNOW!?"
"Soundbite!" I hissed incredulously.
"Whaaat?" he whined with an ear-to-ear grin. "I can tell that whoever's in the well is wound up tighter than a PERCUSSION BAND. WHY CAN'T I CALL HER A STIFF?"
Hogback and I both twitched (me more discreetly than him) before allowing ourselves to heave sighs of relief.
"Oh, so that's all he meant…" Hogback muttered beneath his breath.
"You're an ass…" I hissed at Soundbite.
"This should not be a surprise to you," he sneered back, completely unrepentant.
Anyway, after a second, Hogback managed to compose himself and adjusted his facemask a bit before pointing his nose in the air. "A-A-Anyways! Welcome, Straw Hat Pirates, to my humble abode!" He spread his hands out in a grandiose manner. "Please allow me to introduce myself! I am-!"
"The world-famous man renowned as a 'genius', Doctor Hogback," Robin blithely interrupted him.
Hogback's head bounced as a weight slammed down around his neck. "—geh…"
"Master of medicine, specialist of specialties, most prominently renowned for being a surgeon extraordinaire," our archaeologist continued. "And of course, he's also known as the greatest doctor in the world."
"Ah, no, wait…" Hogback's hands twitched slightly as he tried to reach out to Robin. "That-That's my introduction, y-you can't just—!"
"Though in my opinion?" Robin forged on, waving her hand in a so-so manner. "I'd say that he's only the second greatest."
"EH!?" Hogback squawked indignantly as he snapped his spine straight. "Second best!? That is totally and utterly preposterous! Who could possibly surpass a genius such as I?!"
"Hm?" Robin blinked in a manner I could tell was fake, but I seriously doubted Hogback thought she was anything but genuine. "Why, Doctor Vegapunk, of course. After all, he is the smartest man in the world, is he not?"
"VEGAPUNK IS NOTHING BUT A TWO-BIT, HACKSHOP GREASE-MONKEY OF A—GRGGHH…!" Hogback trailed off into incoherent snarling, his hands strangling the air. This continued for several seconds before he descended into tired huffing. "Give me… a moment…" he wheezed. He then stepped back inside the manor and slid behind the yet-closed half of the doors, out of sight but not so far that we couldn't hear him ranting and snarling under his breath.
I cocked an eyebrow at the display before leaning towards Robin. "Well played."
"You may have a natural talent for invective, but I have plenty of experience on my own," Robin chuckled behind a loose fist. "I imagine that he'll be too flustered to analyze any further manipulations on your part."
"Which will be very—!" I snapped my mouth shut when a profusely sweating Hogback stepped back into sight.
"I… apologize for that little display just now," he choked out bitterly. "I… I acknowledge that you are perfectly entitled to your personal opinions. B-But anyway, I believe we are off-track." He straightened his back with what little dignity he had left. "Yes, I am Doctor Hogback, and this is my manor. And you all are the Straw Hat Pirates, correct?"
"We're a few of them, yeah," I nodded in confirmation. "We went on ahead to check this place out, but our friends are all back on the Sunny waiting to phone back in. Which is…" I made a show of grimacing uncomfortably. "Turning out to be a problem."
"I'd say the fog's playing merry hell WITH ME, but I'd prefer Merry TO THIS!" Soundbite gagged, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.
I withheld a grin as I saw a glint shine in Hogback's glasses. "Is that so? Well, that's just awful, truly awful! Is there anything I can… oh, I know!" He stepped aside and gestured inwards. "Here, why don't you all step inside and enjoy a hot meal on my behalf? And while you're doing that, I'll send my manservant to inform your crew that you're waiting here."
"Are you sure? We wouldn't want you to trouble yourself—!" Conis began in a convincingly demure voice.
"FOSFOSFOSFOS!" Hogback cut her off as he threw his head back and laughed. "Trouble to welcome the most famous, infamous, and entertaining pirates of this generation? Quite the contrary, it's an honour. And besides…" His smile took on an acidic overtone. "My manservant could use the exercise. I swear, all he does is laze around all day, packing on the pounds without a care in the—!"
I tensed up furiously when Hogback suddenly flinched and cut himself off, plastering an apologetic smile on his face as he started to casually rub the back of his head. "I-I-I'm sorry, I got ahead of myself again. I really shouldn't speak ill of those who… aren't present." Even behind his thick glasses, his glance to the side was unmistakable.
I swallowed heavily as I processed the implications of this development. "Soundbite!?" I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.
"His heart only JUST beat, AND HE'S BARELY BREATHING!" Soundbite hissed back in a freaked-out tone. "HELL, EVEN HIS body's voice is saying 'not here, not here' over and over! I ONLY NOTICED WHEN I COULDN'T DENY THE FACTS ANY LONGER!"
My jaw twitched a bit as I mulled that over, and then I swallowed and stretched a twitchy grin over my face. "Well, either way, thank you very much for the offer, Doctor. I imagine that our own doctor, Chopper, will be overjoyed to hear about your presence here." I let my grin perk up a bit with sadistic humour. "He dug out an old article about your work earlier today, you see. For the past few hours, you've been all he can talk about."
Well, at least one of those sentences was true.
"FOSFOSFOS! Well, isn't that just grand!" Hogback cackled. "I look forward to entertaining all of your friends and treating you all to each and every last one of the countless splendours that Thriller Bark has to offer! But for now…" He stepped aside and swung his arms inward. "I shall settle for simply entertaining you. Right this way!"
And with that, we all made to file through the door, but we came to a halt when Robin jerked to a stop.
"Robin?" I questioned.
"…Perhaps this island is haunted, because it felt like something just grabbed my… backside." Robin bit out.
I felt a cold sense of calm come over me as I heard that, and my suspicions were only confirmed when Hogback discreetly slapped his hand to his face. That… that just reinforced what I was feeling. "Let's hope that it is just the haunting," I said darkly. "Because if anyone really was stupid enough to do that, then I would have no choice but to find whoever was responsible and utterly. Fucking. Destroy them."
The uncomfortable silence that arose as a result of my 'idle musings' lasted for a second before it was broken by the distinctly not subtle sound of hastily retreating footfalls from somewhere nearby.
"…just have to love the spooky environment here, hm?" Hogback hummed in a tone of forced calm. "I find that the tricks it plays on one's mind are quite refreshing! Now come along, come along, we should be going!"
"Nice bluff," Usopp muttered nervously as he started walking again, glancing over his shoulder as he went.
"Who the hell's bluffing?" I growled back.
We entered the manor in silence, at least, until we were interrupted.
"Doctor Hogback," a disinterested voice echoed from the well. "Should I still come up?"
My frigid rage lightened up a bit at the sight of Hogback starting to squabble with the well, balancing over the edge as he shouted at the zombie within. My mood lightened even further as I considered matters up to this point.
Our aspect of the plan was going roughly 99% as well as I'd hoped, and in this case, that was more than enough.
Here's hoping that the second team was having just as much luck. Especially considering their target.
~o~
"Team 2, a.k.a. 'Honey Pot', will be the guard force that remains here on the Sunny," I said as I pointed down at the deck. "Their objective will be to deal with the fourth and final member of the Mysterious Four, who will inevitably swing by while we're all away."
There was a wave of confusion before Merry raised her hand. "And… how exactly is dealing with an enemy on our home turf more difficult or dangerous than traipsing straight into enemy territory?" she asked.
I crossed my arms and scowled. "Because while Spandam is a scumbag unmatched by anyone short of a World Noble, Absalom is a close second who actually has the brawn to back up his inner bile."
I took in the rest of the crew's incredulous and disgusted looks before starting to tick off on my fingers. "In straight-up combat ability, Absalom is probably the strongest fighter on Thriller Bark. He's the only one who doesn't need Devil Fruit-based trickery to win, and the fact that he's an ability user anyway only heightens his threat level. He's been willingly subjected to countless surgeries under Hogback, giving him skin as thick as an elephant's (present company excluded) for extreme durability as well as a few hundred pounds of gorilla and bear muscle for crazy strength, and not only does he—to reiterate—have a Devil Fruit, he's wily in manipulating it, so while he can come off as an idiot at times, he can be smart when it counts. Oh, and by the by, that Devil Fruit I just mentioned? It's known as the Clear-Clear Fruit."
The tip of Sanji's cigarette burst into flames. "What," he snarled darkly.
I nodded regretfully at him before continuing. "For those of you who are unaware? The Clear-Clear Fruit grants the power of invisibility to both the user and anything that they're touching, which Absalom usually uses in conjunction with a pair of wrist-mounted bazookas."
Boss ground his teeth in grim thought. "So, basically, not only is there going to be a juggernaut of ruthless strength and implacable resilience on board, but he's an invisible juggernaut too?!"
"And it's somehow accentuated by what he's like on the inside…" Funkfreed breathed, his eyes wide in sickened realization. "I've been with Spandam for… pretty much my entire life, so you know I speak from experience when I ask how anyone not a Noble could come close!"
I scowled murderously as several… images flashed through my head. "By being a pervert… actually, no," I corrected myself at the incredulous looks I was getting. "That's not really accurate. He's not a pervert…" My hands slowly curled into shaking fists. "He's a predator."
Conis gasped, her and Vivi's eyes widening in horror, while Raphey, Robin, and Nami's faces contorted murderously.
"Care to elaborate on that?" the navigator growled.
"Yeah, because I'm pretty sure I'm missing something here," an obliviously confused Merry added. "What do predators and perverts have to do with each other?"
"…Go figure, she does still have some innocence," Leo muttered.
"Well, I mean, I know about…" The ship-girl made a circle with one hand and jabbed her index finger in, pulling it back and forth. "But not the whole 'predator' thing."
I grimaced at Merry's comment, but deadpanned, "If I told you guys what I saw him do in the story, Nami's subconscious would electrocute everyone, and I'm pretty sure Sanji would blow the roof off of the pavilion."
"Cross, I built that thing SUPER! tough. A million beris says it'll hold up," Franky scoffed as Nami grudgingly handed Conis her Clima-Tact.
I shrugged and not-so-discreetly moved as far away from Nami as I could. "He molested Robin onboard while invisible, spied on Nami in the bath, molested her there, and eventually kidnapped her, put her in a chemical-coma, and then had her fitted in a wedding dress and attempted to marry her while she was still knocked out."
BOOM! CLATTER!
"Oh, that's what you meant by predator," Merry nodded, before her face twisted into a murderous snarl. "Can I punch him in the coconuts? I'd really like to punch him in the coconuts. Repeatedly."
"That can be arranged. Also, I win, Franky," I deadpanned as I watched Boss and Zoro wrestle a flaming demon to the lawn, only just managing to keep him from smashing our entry ticket to the Land of the Un-Living wide open before we were ready. Above him, a blazing hole smouldered in the pavilion's roof, which was just elevated and crooked enough to show that it had been blown off.
"Shave off a million beris from my debt, Nami," I added, looking back at the navigator who (along with Raphey) was currently making the same attempt to break open the barrel despite being bound in place by several disembodied arms.
"I'll add ten million more if your plan doesn't involve me pulling a Nimbus Tempo on that patchwork bastard," she snarled murderously.
"…that can also be arranged, but it may not do him much damage on its own," I warned.
"What about twenty in a row?"
"…more plausible," I admitted. "So, any further questions before I tell you all what I have in mind?"
"Just the one," Merry sighed, staring at the broken pavilion with regret. "When is Franky ever going to learn not to challenge you on shit like this?"
"Since when have you known me to be that smart…" Franky grumbled back.
~o~
Alongside the main entrance of Thriller Bark, a long and tall set of stairs stretched down to a pier. A pier that was very close to a gigantic spider's web. The web's creator was nowhere nearby, as far as anyone looking on could tell, which was good news for the Thousand Sunny, which was stuck in it by the side. Indeed, aside from the immobilization, the ship seemed rather tranquil.
Or so it seemed, until the grass deck suddenly compressed, first in one spot, then another, both in the shape of footprints but with nobody visible. And at the very next moment, every last one of the ship's timbers trembled and groaned, as though the Sunny itself was growling with fury.
The grassy imprints suddenly halted in place, shuffling about a bit like a person looking around before resuming their path across the lawn.
The footprints started to stride towards the doors to Sunny's sleeping quarters, then, abruptly, halted in place and slowly turned around in a direction facing Sunny's deckhouse.
The deckhouse, whose top was currently emitting a large amount of steam, mind you.
The imprints started moving across the grass again, this time towards the Sunnys aft and this time twice as fast as before. The imprints halted once they reached the steps to the upper deck, and were replaced by every other step groaning loudly under some unseen pressure as it ascended two at a time.
When the sourceless footprints stilled, they were directly before the door to what could only be the ship's bathhouse. Then, slowly, the door inside creaked open, and a quiet snort rang out, as though some predatory beast were tasting at the air.
The sight that the slightly opened door revealed was decidedly not a bathhouse. Books lined the shelves, a large desk topped with a map 80% drawn near the window on the other side, and watertight cases protected all sheets of paper in the room so that nary a speck of moisture could touch their fragile contents. Of course, the ladder on the right side of the room made it clear that the bathhouse was very close by.
There was just the slight issue of the giant, armour-clad duck sitting at the bottom of the ladder. 'Slight' being, for once, an appropriate adjective given the quiet snores coming from his mostly motionless body.
There was a brief moment of contemplative silence before the duck was half-shoved, half-nudged aside, and the soft sound of boots and hands on a ladder sounded out a moment later. The boards that composed the room's walls seemed to snarl as they creaked and groaned, echoing the ladder's own creaking as it rose toward the ceiling.
Finally, the creaking stopped, and the hatch at the top of the ladder was inched open, the gap between it and the door slowly widening before creaking shut just as slowly. The room the trapdoor opened into was filled to the brim with steam, and the vapours slowly but surely coiled around a space in the air that was shaped like a human, but was most distinctly anything but.
The humanoid creature's muzzle turned back and forth as it contemplated its shrouded surroundings, its head lingering as it saw a doorway into a much wider room. It subtly glided over to it, and a pair of large heart-shaped protrusions came out from its eyes, and its tongue lolled from its maw as it gazed inside, beholding what lay within.
Or at least, somewhat beholding it, due to the fact that the steam was hiding any exact details from him…
"Mmm… that feels so good…"
But really, the silhouette of a woman with long hair getting her back rubbed by a woman with shorter hair (and they were women, men didn't have hips like that) didn't need that many extra details.
"But of course it does…" the short-haired woman crooned as she rested her chin on her counterpart's shoulder. "After all, you have all this stress pent up inside, it's not good for you~."
"Well, then… think you can help me…" The long-haired figure's head slowly turned to the side. "Relieve some of this tension?"
"Certainly~"
The nonexistent figure's breathing accelerated, his heart jackhammering in his chest. This… This was just too good to be even remotely true. It was only that eentsy-weentsy hint of sneaking suspicion that held the figure back, his long-honed senses staying his base insti—!
Suddenly, something fell from the long-haired woman's grasp.
"Whoops, I dropped the soap. Pardon me~."
Something in the figure's brain snapped like a dry twig. Prudence could go screw itself, no way in hell was he passing up as golden an opportunity as this!
And so, with barely enough restraint to keep himself from roaring, the figure all but pounced into the fog, arms spread wide as he flew at the women—
CRACK! "GAH!"
—aaand rammed face-first into the far wall of the bathroom.
Absalom hacked and snorted as he clawed his way to his feet, leaning on the wall as he massaged his throbbing snout. "W-What the—?!" he started to wheeze in confusion.
"I believe that the appropriate phrase for this situation," came a serene but smug voice from the doorway. "Would be 'reaping what you have sown'."
Absalom spun around and saw the two women he had thought were bathing, fully clothed and smirking, plus a child he'd never seen before, poking out of a panel in the floor he hadn't noticed, standing in the doorway of the bath, waving at him. Before he could react, they slammed shut the (Absalom's eyes widened as he realized he'd missed it in the steam) metal bulkhead of a door, which then proceeded to seal with a very loud clunk.
The porthole in the bulkhead was then filled with the white-haired child's viciously smirking face. "In case you didn't quite pick up on what's going on?" she taunted through the door. She then rammed her fist against the door…
SKRANG!
Which first caused a pair of very thick steel shutters to slam shut over the once-open windows…
SPLOOSH!
And second—and far more distressingly to Absalom—caused just about every water fixture in the room to blow its top and start spraying out water by the gallon.
Water that with no place left to go, started to very rapidly fill the suddenly too-small room.
Going Merry bared her teeth as Absalom swept his panicked gaze over the room.
"Hold your fucking breath, pervert."