~o~
"Nami, Vivi, Carue, Merry," I started slowly, looking at them all in turn. "You'll be the ones dealing with this monster." I hastily raised my hands when they all recoiled in shock. "If you want out, I completely understand and I'll just have the Monsters ambush him, I just want to try and go for the most… subtle and painless method available to us is all."
The crew exchanged uncomfortable glances, and Sanji started to stalk towards me, fuming like a chimney. Nami, though, halted him with a hand on his chest even as she continued to coolly regard me.
"…Considering what I just asked for, we'll hear your plan out before we decide anything, Cross," Nami stated, though the edge lurking in her voice was unmistakable.
I tugged at my collar on account of the Weather Witch's Eisen-aura darkening to a subtle gray around her, but continued. "OK, so basically, my plan hinges around exploiting the two flaws Absalom has, and only Nami and Vivi can successfully use the first flaw to maximum effectiveness. And as for how they'll be doing it…"
I trailed off uncomfortably as I considered what I was about to say before swallowing heavily. "Alright, look. There's no right way to say this delicately, so I'll have to be blunt, but I swear to both of you, in no way, shape or form will you be in actual, physical danger for even a moment. Got it?"
Our negotiator and navigator exchanged uneasy looks before nodding as one.
I sucked in a stilling breath… and then I whooshed out the only word applicable. "Bait."
I all but panicked at the looks of betrayal that flashed across their faces, and I hastily scrambled to specify. "Or at least! The general forms of your bodies will be the bait, while your actual, corporeal forms will be well away from Absalom!"
Vivi's heartbroken look broke in favour of confusion, but Nami slapped her hand to her face. "Mirage! You could have just opened with Mirage! Damn it, you asshole, you nearly gave me a heart attack!"
I grimaced and nodded in acceptance even as my crewmates all relaxed from the tension that had beset us. "Yeah, you're right, sorry. I was just… really focused on the b-word. But yes, you'll be using a mirage to trick Absalom. And Vivi," I nodded at the princess, "You'll be involved for the dual reasons of your Sovereign's Will probably being of some use in controlling him if anything goes wrong and… well…" I shook my head with a sigh. "Absalom has a hard enough time controlling himself around one woman at a time. So I figure two women at once in a… compromising situation—!"
"His caution goes straight out the window, and he'll charge headfirst into whatever trap we lay out for him, blah blah blah, I get the picture," Vivi finished for me, grimacing. "Don't worry, Cross, I did way worse while I was Miss Wednesday. So long as I stay fully clothed around that monster, I'll do what I need to see him get his comeuppance."
"So, uh… what's my part in this?" Merry asked as she raised her hand with a not unfearful look. "Am… I-I'm not going to be in—?"
"I neither know nor want to know if Absalom is willing to or has ever sunk to those levels of inhumanity, so no, preceded by a hell fucking," I growled, before allowing myself to smirk at her. "But I do have a couple of questions for you, Merry. Concerning good ol' Sunny, actually."
Merry's face morphed into a mask of confusion. "Uh… yeah, sure? Fire away."
"Well, first off…" I pointed up at our deckhouse, whose library I'd spent ample time in. "The bathroom. I'm assuming it's all caulked up to the nines?"
Merry started to reply and froze when a pair of bodiless hands clamped onto her shoulders, shuddering around her spine.
"For her sake?" Robin smiled in a too-serene manner as the fog around her seemed to darken malevolently. "It had better be."
Merry's rictus smile twitched as she tried to force herself to stay still. "Sealed up tighter than Akainu's molten ass, my mast to God! So, ah… please don't kill me?"
The darkness around Robin evaporated as swiftly as her hands. "For now."
I shook my head at our archaeologist's… somewhat teasing tone before continuing. "Anyway… next question, how long would it take for you to replace the bathroom's door with a metal bulkhead that, oh, I dunno… even Luffy would have trouble punching through?"
I grinned as I saw the beginnings of a spark form in Merry's eyes. "Not… that long…"
"And I'm once again assuming that you could install a few armoured covers over the windows—!"
"And then rig the pump to go into overdrive when I say so and flood the place, turning the entire room into a watery grave fit to drown Franken-pervert! BRILLIANT!" Merry cackled in realization, jumping and clapping her hands gleefully at the prospect. "You're an absolute genius, Cross! I'll go get the preparations started right away!" And with that, she popped a trapdoor in the deck and dropped into it, laughing all the way.
I nodded contentedly as I turned back to Nami and Vivi. "You two'll project a mirage of yourselves in a… 'compromising' position into the bathroom once it's been filled to the rafters with steam, and once Absalom leaps in, you'll lock him in and take advantage of his second fatal flaw. The one thing that he can't possibly fight."
"His own powers…" Vivi breathed in realization.
"Hell, that'd even take care of a normal person…" Nami muttered into her knuckle before slowly nodding. "This is a really good plan, Cross!"
"No need to sound so surprised," I grumbled, turning to Carue. "And just for the record, you can contribute by pretending to sleep at the foot of the ladder, help sell that we're lax and off our guard. I know it's not much, but… well, given the situation, it's not like you'll be anywhere else but a room away from Vivi, right?"
"Damn stwaight!" Carue confirmed.
"Perfect!" I said, clapping my hands together. "Alright, I realize this might be hypocritical given what I said earlier, but still, it's worth saying: So long as we follow this plan and line things up right, with any luck we'll be able to remove Absalom of the Graveyard from play without any real trouble."
~o~
"I am so glad that this thing is holding up," Nami sighed in relief, staring through the porthole at the ferocious lion-faced man who was pounding at the steel door, even as the room continued filling with water.
The source of her boundless relief stemmed from the fact that, despite knowing that the door was composed of several inches of strong steel, Absalom was still managing to put dents in the only barrier between him and his escape.
"Agreed," Vivi swallowed, rubbing at her neck fearfully and flinching as yet another dent was slammed into the metal. "He's… enraged. If he gets out, it won't matter if we're female or not; he'll rip us to pieces."
"Well he'ww haf ta get thwough me first!" Carue declared, before recoiling as another punch bent another spot in the door. "Though I weawwy hope it doeshn't come ta that…"
"And it won't, don't worry," Merry assured him, utterly relaxed. "I dug into some of the Wootz steel Franky splurged on to reinforce that door. Even Luffy would take at least five minutes to break through, and this guy doesn't even have two; if my calculations are correct—and considering how they involve Big Bro Sunny, they are—then the water will be reaching his knees in five, four, three, two…"
The ferocity in Absalom's face suddenly faltered, and he grimaced in discomfort, slumping forward to lean against the door. For a few seconds, he looked like he was beaten.
Then he raised his head, murder in his eyes, and he started pounding anew. The dents he caused were significantly shallower than they were before, but they were definitely still there.
Merry's mask of confidence crumbled. "That's… unexpected…"
"Merryyy…" Nami grit out, bringing her Eisen Tempo to bear.
"Uh, uh, uh…" Merry hastily counted her fingers a few times as she muttered to herself before snapping her head up. "Reaching his waist… now!"
Absalom flinched again, his muzzle scrunching up in a sign of clear disgust, and he looked to be barely conscious. But still the pounding kept going, in spite of the fact that there was no clear progress in harming the door anymore.
"Meeeeerryyyyy." Vivi's knuckles turned white as she strangled her Lion Cutter's hilts.
"Oh, screw this asshole!" Merry snarled, hastily knocking a panel on the wall open and wrenching the pipes inside around. "I was going to try and keep the pump in one piece, but it looks like we'll be rebuilding it from scratch! Flooding the place now!"
Absalom's eyes widened in panic as a groaning-shuddering sound rocked the bathroom, but before he could react, the porthole was obscured by a flood of white foam. When the bubbles cleared, Absalom's drowsy face floated in the water for a moment before a slew of bubbles spurted from his mouth, and he sank down and out of sight.
The quartet allowed themselves to sag in relief, the tension draining out of them.
"Thank God…" Nami groaned, wiping the cold sweat from her brow while her clouds fanned her. "Cross wasn't kidding, that bastard was a monster inside and out!"
"Yeah…" Vivi mused, fingering her necklace as she peered into the porthole. "You know… honestly, looking at this? I wonder if it would even be worth it to have Devil Fruit powers. I mean, all of that power, even as a Logia… but then it becomes totally useless as soon as you fall in water. Isn't that… a bit useless?"
"Say dat again wid a stwaight face da next time you see Wuffy, Wobin and Choppah kick majah ass," Carue snickered into his wing.
Vivi considered that before nodding her head. "Yeah, and Crocodile certainly never suffered from that particular weakness much, either. Point taken."
"Well, trust me on this, weaknesses or not?" Merry snickered as she slowly counted down on her fingers. "I, for one, fully appreciate selling my soul to that little shit-tasting devil. Aaaanyway…" She started fiddling with the pipes again. "The room should be full up by now. I'm gonna shut the water down so that the whole place doesn't burst, and then we can let that patchwork punk stew until he's niiiice and dead to the world. Then I'll just drain the place and we can dip into the stash of sea prism cuffs and collars that Enies Lobby and the Accinos so graciously donated to our worthy cause, and—!"
BOOM!
The quartet froze when the whole of the deckhouse suddenly shook and, far more distressingly, the already-abused bulkhead suddenly bulged as though Sanji had taken his heel to it.
"What the hell was that?" Nami whispered numbly.
"Cannonfire…" Vivi breathed back, her pupils having shrunk to pinpricks. "That was cannonfire… h-he's still moving!?"
Merry shook her head in frantic denial. "E-Even if he is, I took those bazookas Cross talked about into account! The door is strong enough to take anything he could physically carry!"
BOOM!
Nami's gut dropped as there was another explosion, and the door bulged even further. "Did you take into account that his musculature is reinforced…" she whispered numbly. "And he can carry firepower that would blow a normal person's arms off?"
Merry paled. "Uh…"
"Owah that he'd onwy hafta knock da dowah halfway off its hinges befowah it'd have to deaw wid da watah pwessure?" Carue whimpered.
Silence reigned as the ship-girl slowly stumbled backwards fearfully. "No… No, I didn't…" she whispered in terror.
In the heart-pounding silence that followed, the click of metal on metal was like a gunshot.
"RU—!" Nami started to scream, shoving as many of her clouds forward as she could.
Sadly, as swift as her iron clouds were…
BOOOOM!
The blast that blew the bulkhead off its hinges and the flood of water that followed were far, far faster. As such, none of the four were ready when the water and the blast struck them, smashing them clean through the opposite window of the deckhouse and launching them out onto the lawn of the deck.
Thankfully, the deck was covered in grass rather than wood, and Nami's subconscious managed to bend the clouds enough to provide something of a cushion. As such, they weren't hurt from the fall or landing. They were, however, left sputtering from the sudden assault of water on their senses. They had just managed to get their breath and balance back when a most unwelcome thing interrupted them.
"Clever little sneaks."
They looked up to see a very wet, very livid patchwork man standing on the railing above them. His jaw was that of a lion, his wild golden hair only reinforcing that image, and the left and right thirds of his torso and his arms from the wrists up were covered in different colours of flesh very obviously stitched on, with a pair of bazookas strapped to his forearms. Most unnerving of all? Though his eyes promised murder, his mouth was curled into a smile.
"I thought I felt something off at first…" Absalom of the Graveyard grumbled, his hackles pulled back in a vicious scowl. "Why am I even surprised that someone like Jeremiah Cross knew about me ahead of time? You should be pleased with yourselves, that's the closest that anyone's ever come to beating me since I joined Moria." He clicked his very sharp teeth together. "But the simple fact is that I'm way out of your league now that you've lost the element of surprise. I'm going to take my sweet time with you three, and when I'm done—"
"Quiet."
Absalom faltered, his tongue catching in his mouth as Vivi glared up at him. Then she smiled sweetly, taking on a rather alluring pose. "Mister Absalom, why don't you just calm down and hold still?"
A choked noise tore from Absalom's throat, the rage evident in his tone at odds with the way his body slumped forward, the energy draining from his stance.
"Good, good," Vivi nodded in a faux-endearing manner, a frigid smile on her face. "Now, just for the record… You said the 'three' of us, but that's not quite correct. For you see… There aren't three of us here."
"HEADS AHP!"
Absalom's eyes darted to the side, just in time—
"SUBSAHNIC!"
For him to catch a faceful of armoured talon moving almost faster than he could tell what hit him.
"KICK!" Carue quacked furiously as he practically leapt off of Absalom's face, transferring the entirety of his velocity to his target and bouncing him off the Sunny's railing before he fell out of sight.
Nami and Vivi both heaved relieved bursts of laughter, slapping their hands in a victorious high-five.
"Uh… guys?"
And then Merry's quivering voice cut through the mood.
"Merry…" Vivi whispered fearfully. "Please tell me you're not about to point out some minor but highly incriminating detail that means we're not done yet, please."
Merry shook her head regretfully, her eyes filled with terror. "Wish I could, but… Carue kicked him overboard, right?"
Nami nodded slowly. "Yeeeaaah… why?"
"Well, then… where's the splash?"
Nami and Vivi both froze as they stared at the ship-girl. "What," they whispered in synch.
"Where's the splash?" she repeated. "If we were done, then wouldn't there be an ocean-shattering splash?"
"Uh…" the older woman exchanged uncertain glances…
"So… you want a splash, you little brat?"
Before they all stiffened as a by-now far too familiar voice growled out, accompanied by a hand clamping onto the edge of the railing.
"I'LL GIVE YOU A SPLASH!" bellowed the positively deranged Absalom, forcefully shoving his torso back into view as he clawed his way back onto the Sunny—
BOOM! "WA-A-A-ACK…"
And then firing one of his bazookas at Carue, causing the unfortunate flash-cooked waterfowl to keel over, out cold and smoking, and leaving the three women alone with the madman. The madman then turned his guns on them. "WHO'S NEXT?!"
But in contrast to the fear that he had been eagerly and viciously expecting, they had prepared themselves to fight before he'd even finished with Carue. Nami had surrounded herself in clouds, Vivi had started spinning her Lion Cutter, and Merry had hitched a rope ride straight to the helm.
As such, Absalom paused near the railing, scanning over his targets: Nami, wrapped up in her Iron Cloud; Merry, halfway across the ship; and Vivi, in striking range and protected by much more flimsy weapons.
"You," Absalom decided, pointing a clawed digit at Vivi. "You're next."
Before the former princess could in any way deny that, Absalom vanished from sight. Vivi pivoted in place, her eyes wide and shooting to every rustle of grass.
'I can't see him!' she mentally wailed. 'How am I supposed to fight him i—right, I'm an idiot.'
"Stop and show yourself!" she barked, and was rewarded by Absalom's faceplanting a few feet behind her. A low thudding whip sound drew her attention to the lines, right as a whole mess of rope and pulleys fell on top of the Franken-bastard.
"Gotcha!" Merry crowed as she yanked the lines up. Absalom was tangled up in as many hooks and snares as she could manage. "Not so tough when you're hanging up in the air, are ya?!"
Absalom's answer was to shoot a snarl and a glare at the helm before jerking his arm, which brought about the click!-BOOM! of the bazooka firing, followed milliseconds later by Vivi just barely ducking under the suddenly visible cannonball.
BOOM!
"AAAAH!"
A cannonball that, unfortunately, landed immediately behind Vivi before exploding, the blast and shrapnel knocking her off her feet and peppering her with metal shards.
"Ooooww…" Vivi groaned into the dirt, her world still a blur of blaze and pain.
"Vivi!" Nami and Merry howled as she went down, the navigator swinging out her Clima-Tact so that two chunks of black, crackling Eisen Cloud were flanking the strung-up Absalom. "Nimbus Tempo!"
Lightning tore through the struggling chimera suspended between the two clouds, releasing a bevy of both electrical crackles and a symphony of sizzling meat. The rope, due to the considerable heat drawn from the metal hooks, gave up the ghost about a minute in, dumping their charbroiled assailant on the grass with another loud thump. The sight of a torrent of smoke curling up from his form was a veritable font of hope for the women.
"D-Did we get him?" Merry wondered as she peeked over the railing of the foredeck.
Seemingly in response, the exact source of the smoke became indistinct as Absalom's body faded from sight.
"Gonna take that as a no," Vivi grunted as she hauled herself to her feet, wincing as she picked out slivers of metal from her arms. "In my experience, Paramecia powers that rely on conscious activation don't persist after their user's lost consciousness in a violent manner."
"So… still kicking, got it," Nami said, spinning up her Clima-Tact again. "Let's fix that."
Eisen Cloud flowed out of Nami's defensive shell, wrapping around their still-smoking opponent, then quickly coalescing into a cross-hatched shell that immediately began turning black.
"Tempest Tempo."
Said crosshatches promptly came alive with lightning, jumping between the lattices to strike and charge every inch of space outlined by the shell. Once again, crackling lightning competed with sizzling on the target, accompanied by a burning smell. Eventually, though, the lightning came to an end, and when Nami withdrew her clouds, all that was left was a black form smoking on the circle of dead grass.
To everyone's surprise and—far more pressingly—horror, that form was not Absalom's body, but instead his bazookas and a pile of ash, bits of blue cloth still visible.
"How—!" Vivi began, but was cut off by an invisible fist slamming into the right side of her torso, reaching under her ribs. She immediately hunched over, groaning loudly in pain as she clutched at where her liver was.
Nami tried to respond to the sudden Absalom on her six, she really did, but with most of her Eisen Cloud still wrapped up where the Tempest Tempo had hit, she was unable to stop an iron-hard grip from grasping her neck and slamming her into the mainmast.
"I crawled," Absalom growled as he faded back into view, somewhat scorched and now shirtless, but still fully functional. "Had to leave my bazookas behind so you wouldn't notice, and that's one more thing I need to pay you bitches back for." Reaching up with his other hand, he brandished his claws. "I'd say it'd be a shame to mess up that pretty face… but I'd be lying."
"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"
"Wha—" Absalom began, before a pair of rainboots slammed into the side of his head and sent him careening into the pavilion's counter. Growling, he shook his head, looked up, and saw Merry let go of the rope she had swung down to land on his torso.
"MERRY… PUNCH!" the ship-girl announced, rearing back a fist and then slamming it into his crotch, the impact shaking the Sunny from keel to crow's nest.
For a moment, there was silence… which a freaked Merry broke first.
"Uh, s-s-shouldn't you be screaming in pain right now?" she nervously asked.
Absalom's lips pulled back into a murderous leer. "You don't think that I chose to look like this for shits and giggles, do you? I've been very thoroughly retrofitted. Among those improvements?"
He snapped his hand up to grab Merry's face, lifted her clean off the ground and then slammed her into the lawn with as much force as he could manage.
"A mental switch," Absalom growled. "For my sense of pain. Looks like something you could really use right now, huh?"
Merry let out a hacking cough, blood spurting from a squashed nose, cut lips, and a nasty scrape on her forehead.
"MERRY!" Vivi and Nami screamed, lashing out at Absalom with clouds and blades respectively, which Absalom was quick to roll out of the way of. Nami hastily ran to cradle Merry, while Vivi interposed herself between them and Absalom, though she was swaying on her feet and barely managing to stay upright.
Still, the Princess tried to take a few swings at the abomination with her Cutters, but she could only growl in frustration as they were easily dodged.
Vivi concentrated for a bit before lashing out again. "Hold still—!"
Before she could finish her command, however, Absalom grabbed the chain of her weapon and gave it a firm tug, nearly taking her off her feet.
"Improvement the second," Absalom snorted, ramming his palm into the side of his head before grabbing the chain with both hands and giving it an almighty yank, dragging Vivi into melee range before she could react.
"No, no, no, stop, stop STOP—!"
THWOCK!
"HURK!" A mouthful of blood forced its way through Vivi's teeth as Absalom buried his fist in almost the same exact spot Sharinguru had not too long ago. Still, even through her renewed haze of pain, she was conscious enough to be aware as the beast-hybrid grabbed the back of her head and forced her to look into his face.
"Detachable eardrums," he growled menacingly. That done, he lashed his arm out and cast Vivi aside like a ragdoll, her uncontrolled tumble terminating when she bodily slammed into the railing, where she lay still with only shuddering breaths to show that she was still kicking.
Absalom turned to face the last of the pirates, who was nowhere to be seen.
"Guess what, asshole?"
Absalom spun around, just catching sight of Nami standing behind him.
THUNK!
"GRK!"
Before staggering back as she rammed the orbless end of a section of her staff into and through a juncture of stitches on his chest.
"You're not the only one who can turn invisible," Nami snarled. "Now, let's see if your insides are as tough as your outsides when dealing with a sudden burst of lightning."
"More specifically!"
Absalom snapped his head around to catch sight of Merry painfully leaning against the mast, giving him a bloody grin.
"The amount of voltage a Thunder Dial gives off when shattered!" she leered, ramming her fist into the mast.
Before Absalom could react, a pulley swung down from the rigging and cracked into the orb at the end of the rod sticking out of his chest.
"Ride the lightning, asshole!" Merry cackled in triumph.
That was the last thing Absalom saw—
ZAP! "YEEEAAARGH!"
Before his world devolved into light and pain.
Merry and Nami both shielded their eyes, the lightning coursing through Absalom lighting up the deck from end to end. It only lasted a few seconds, but at the end of those seconds, the lion-faced man was exhaling smoke, his eyes white as snow and blood oozing out of the cavity in his chest. He keeled forward…
Then, to the women's horror, he ripped out the mangled remains of the Thunder Rod with one hand and rammed the other into his chest, hard enough that they heard a rib break and felt the resultant thump echoing in their own chests. Absalom was swaying on his feet now, but full functionality was clearly fast approaching.
"You… are… dead," he growled breathlessly.
The pair stared at him in slack-jawed awe before Merry clapped her hands together.
"Welp," she stated flatly. "I'm done. Done done done. We did good, we kicked his ass, we even stopped his heart, but I, for one, feel like shit. How about you guys?"
"I am very much regretting the series of decisions that led to this situation…" Vivi wheezed weakly as she stuck her finger in the air.
"Aye don't wike shmewwing dewicioush…" Carue concurred blearily.
"And I just broke my Thunder Dial, so I need to dig out one of my spares before I do any more serious fighting," Nami concluded, moving to slump against the side of the ship. "Guess you beat us, o King of Graveyards."
Despite all of the pain and anger that was coursing through every fibre of his being, Absalom's sheer confusion kept him from moving. This calm, even graceful surrender had him looking between them for some evidence of a bluff, but none of them was moving or attempting to set up any tricks. They were even closing their eyes.
If only because of what happened several minutes earlier, the last time he let his emotions get the better of a twinge of unease, he elected not to charge in blindly. His mind scanned over the situation: the four in front of him meant what they were saying, their actions made that a safe assumption. But even if they knew they had lost, if the SBS was any indication, the Straw Hats still would have kept fighting until the last breath, so how could the fight be—
Absalom stiffened in realization, recalling the exact reason that he'd come onboard the ship in the first place: to scout out the rest of the crew, which Cross said was still waiting onboard. Which could only mean that his quarry had surrendered because—
SLAM! "AAAGH!"
All at once, Absalom went flying backwards as a kick nailed him right in his snout, his much-abused body slamming against the wall of the ship as he completed his train of thought: they had reinforcements waiting.
It took a moment for Absalom's vision to unfuzz, but once it did, his heart stopped again at the sight of the individual looming before him.
The tall, blond, smoke-chuffing individual looming before him.
"You know, I had a whole bit lined up for this: the Bullshit Bistro, all-you-can-eat buffet, the whole nine yards. But after seeing this?" Sanji took a slow, long drag from his cigarette and exhaled it just as slowly… right before searing the whiskers from Absalom's muzzle by bursting into flames. "I'm just going to kick your ass inside-out and be done with you."
~o~
"Hang on a second. I have a question, too."
All eyes turned to Sanji, who was still positively fuming, though apparently not explicitly at me. "Why am I not part of Team 2, Cross?" he tersely demanded.
I raised my hands placatingly at the sharp looks everyone gave me. "Because, to reiterate, Absalom, for all that he's a monster and has little to no leash on his… I'll be unduly polite and say 'libido', he's still smart. If he sees one of our Monster Trio still onboard, there isn't enough tail in the world to make him stick around longer than he has to. And the entire point of this risk we're undertaking—GAH!"
"'WE'!?" Nami snarled murderously, a veritable typhoon roiling around her as she tried to take my ear off, with Vivi tapping her Cutter in her palm right behind her.
"Owowowow, yes, 'we'!" I yelped in outraged agony. "For Roger's sake, if anything happens to you on the plan that I concocted, how the hell much do you think my life will be worth!?"
Nami's storm deflated with a sound akin to a balloon, and Vivi's Lion Cutter vanished behind her back as the two exchanged uncertain looks before Nami released my ear with a sheepish grin. "Aheh… stress from the oncoming ordeal?"
I pinned both of them with a glare and a growl as I massaged my aching ear. "In full cognizance of the demon on my shoulder, I bid both of you to kindly bite me."
"YOU KNOW YOU'VE screwed up when even I give him a pass on using that!" Soundbite snorted.
I maintained my glare on the penitent women for a minute or two longer before continuing. "As I was saying… the point of all this is to make sure that once Absalom comes on board the Sunny, he doesn't get back onto Thriller Bark before it falls. And for that, we need to make sure that there isn't a single loose thread for him to unravel."
Sanji snorted darkly, and shot me a harsh look. "Answer me this, Cross: am I vital anywhere else in your plan? Truly irreplaceable?"
"Well—! …ah…" I started to answer before reconsidering. Well, when he put it that way…
"Because if that's not the case, Cross," Sanji forged on. "Then I'm not setting a foot off this ship. Because unless you can give me a damn good reason, I'm not willing to take the risk that that monster could turn things against even one more woman in the world."
"Uh…" I glanced away uncertainly as I scratched behind my ear.
"Sanji."
Both of us snapped our attention to Vivi with equal incredulity, as much due to her calm authority as the fact that she'd spoken up at all.
"I know you're angry," Vivi assured him in a tone of barely restrained calm. "But I believe it's safe to say that we—" She gestured at the fuming females of the crew. "Are far angrier. If the bath trap does somehow fail, I doubt he'll be able to handle all of our collective skill sets at once."
"With all due respect, dear Vivi? You just said 'doubt," Sanji growled. "And that means that there's still a chance that he could actually seriously hurt you all or worse." Before Vivi could respond, Sanji swept his arms out and addressed the crew. "Can I have a show of hands for anyone on this ship who's willing to take the risk of our friends being left to the mercies of someone like that with no backup plan?"
"…I hate to say it, but I have to agree with the cook, Cross," Zoro admitted after a tense moment. "When you look at our track record, our traps work maybe half the time. And if things land on the 'don't', no offence, but I don't know if I'd bet on these four to win against what you just described. They'd have a good chance, sure," he added nonchalantly in response to a few glares. "But speaking as someone who's actually fought a Warlord's top subordinate before, he has a good chance, too. And I'm not willing to take the risk of letting someone like that loose against our crew."
I… honestly couldn't find it in myself to argue against that. Sooo I didn't. "Alright," I conceded with a slow nod. "But… even so, that doesn't change the fact that you need to stay out of sight. Hell, more than out of sight, out of scent due to his enhancements. One whiff of you and Absalom will pull a runner, and then we'll all be in trouble. You'll need somewhere to hide…"
Sanji's dour mood finally broke in favour of a victorious smirk. "Already got that handled." He then jabbed his thumb off the side. "I'm sure Thriller Bark has derelicts drift in all the time, right?"
I followed the digit to the battered wreck of the Rumbar Pirates' old ship. With its higher sides, it would definitely allow good sight lines from its decks while also concealing Sanji from view. And considering how the old thing reeked to high heaven of mildew, salt and, well, death in general…
I slowly nodded in agreement. "Yeah… Yeah, that oughta do the trick. Alright, you've sold me: go ahead and act as backup if you want, but I hope you'll forgive me for hoping that it doesn't actually come to that."
"Considering how it's our necks on the line?" Nami concurred dryly. "I will second that sentiment with gusto."
"Well, you'll just have to deal with your Prince Charming being an overbearing protector either way," Sanji nodded. "For now, seeing as I doubt you'll need me for much else…"
I felt a chill run down my spine as Sanji smiled with a sadistic glee that should only have ever been directed at a certain giga-giant.
"I'm going to step away for a bit so that I can…" He hissed in a short breath before snarling out the next word. "Practice. Nothing but the finest for our customers here at the Crap Café, you understand."
"Aheheh…" I chuckled uneasily as I leaned back from the semi-demented chef.
"First step of any practice?" Soundbite deadpanned in a nonplussed tone. "NEW MATERIAL. That bit's gotten mouldy."
"Ah…" The menace siphoned out of Sanji as he considered that. "…yeah, fair enough. Anyway, carry on without me." And with that, he turned around and stalked off.
I watched him leap up onto the old derelict before refocusing on the rest of the crew. "Alright, now that that's handled, let's move on to Team 3."
Much later, once we were done with the accursed island that was our next adventure, I would kick myself for not noticing how… wavy Nami had gotten as I said that.
-o-
"Sanji."
The chef spun around suddenly as a stern-looking navigator looked at him, her clouds gray. "Yes, Nami dear? Do you need me back on the Sunny?"
"Not unless you haven't finished the lunchboxes yet," Nami said, shaking her head. "I want you to make me a promise."
"Anything for you, sweet Nami!" the chef sang exuberantly.
"Let us fight."
The chef froze, and Nami moved so that she was directly in front of him, darkening clouds and all, before he could say anything. "You heard what Cross said: if he sees you too soon, he'll run away and spill everything to the rest of Thriller Bark, and that'll spell pandemonium for the rest of us. And knowing you, you'd jump in as soon as he managed to land one hit on us. Which is why I'm here, not just for me, but with Vivi and Merry's support too."
She looked him dead in the eye as she jabbed him in the chest. "Promise us, Sanji: no matter how much we get hurt, no matter what Absalom does to us, do not intervene unless we acknowledge that he's beaten us, that we need your help. Even if he wasn't the worst kind of pervert, we've been training specifically so that we won't need to rely on the stronger members of the crew to be able to survive every opponent we meet, and this is our chance to find out whether it's been enough. Promise us that you'll let us have that chance."
The chef visibly warred with himself, and it took a full minute before he bowed his head with a weak sigh.
"…You have my word, Nami-swan."
The navigator nodded before returning to the ship. She didn't look back, and so she couldn't see as Sanji's expression contorted into a downright ferocious expression.
'Make that another thing to roast that patchwork bastard alive for: putting me in a situation where I might have to endure them screaming.' He sucked in as deep a drag as he dared from his cancer stick before letting the nicotine-laced fumes roil in his lungs. 'At least there's an upside… when I finally get my feet on this bastard, it's going to be all the more satisfying.'
~o~
For the first time in years, Absalom was truly terrified that he was going to die. He had taken enough damage already that the flaming demon before him made him think that the Grim Reaper itself had come for him. Then, like so many other brainless bastards before him, all he knew was pain.
Sanji's kicks flew without mercy, without hesitation, and shrouded in golden flames, his mind running through images as fast as he kicked. It didn't even take a minute before he reared his leg back for the final blow, his mind's eye coming to focus on a single distinct image:
A mask carved out of iron.
"HELL MEMORIES!"
KRACK-BOOM!
Literally white flames streaked behind the ship's intruder as he flew away and crashed far away from the Thousand Sunny. And with that, the hot, hot flames diminished, leaving the huffing but triumphant Sanji dusting off his hands.
"…Impressive," Merry said dumbly, staring through a telescope at the new flaming cavity in the mouth-shaped gate of Thriller Bark, in which Absalom was very deeply embedded and even more clearly unconscious.
"Is… that what you were practicing?" Vivi asked.
Sanji turned to her, for once not flying into love mode, his expression bleak. "…When I was a kid, I found an encyclopedia on the different identified Devil Fruits in the world. It seemed far-fetched, and most of the powers I saw didn't seem worth the curse anyway… except for one. The Clear-Clear Fruit spoke to my very soul. And I decided that if I ever found it, I would embrace the curse. To let my anger burn as hot as I wanted to, all I had to do was focus on how much I could have done if I ever had the power of that fruit."
He looked back in the direction of the gate, and his next words were spoken softly.
"The power to disappear…"
What would have happened next might have been a solemn silence, in which the three of them wondered what Sanji could have meant, had Carue not narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
"You just wanted tah be able tah peep just wike he could, didn't ya?"
And just like that, the atmosphere changed, Sanji stiffening as the three females looked at him. He smiled sheepishly. "N-No, no, I had other ideas. There was so much good that I could—NUDE GIR—!"
THWACK! THUD!
"I swear, he's completely hopeless," Nami groused, shaking her head and grinding the heel of her palm into her forehead as she and the rest of the women present stood over Sanji's insensate form.
"Incorrigible, utterly incorrigible." Vivi lowered her head and shook it with a sigh, her fists planted on her hips.
Merry, meanwhile, grinned from ear-to-ear as she shrugged in a 'what can you do' manner. "Buuut it's not like we'd have any of them any other way, riiight?"
The navigator and princess's dual silences and smiles were more telling than any verbal response they could have given. Nami then turned her smile towards the form of the cook, whose head was steaming but lacking a bump. "Still… Sanji, you saved us. We were… in over our heads—"
"Nami," Vivi interrupted. "This whole affair was an absolute, unmitigated disaster. And to make matters worse, this time we can't even blame it on Cross. This was all on our heads."
"…right…" Nami eventually conceded with a wince. "This was… a disaster… that was our faults…" She then readopted a light smile. "And… you were smart enough to have our backs and be there to pull our asses out of the fire. And that… was not something I would have had a year ago, and I… I really appreciate it. So… thank you. A lot."
"UOOOH, NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji roared energetically, poised on the Sunny's railing as he was wreathed in a whole new kind of fire.
"Wight, then," Carue squawked, wincing as the mere act of speaking aggravated his burns. "If dat's evewything, I move dat we waid Choppah's woom and stawt tweating ouw injuwies befoah phase thwee stawts."
"Seconded," Merry nodded, limping towards the room. "Sanji, give me a hand; I may have Chopper's skillset, but I'm fighting to stay conscious. You'll have to put on the bandages."
"Of course, Merry," Sanji nodded, moving to hold the door open as the four of them filed in.
"So, kind of off topic, but… given Cross' luck, who wants to bet that whatever he's doing is blowing up in his face just as much as this blew up in ours?" Vivi mused.
-o-
"And so the guy slaps the soldier clear across his face," I managed to get out through my laughter. "Puts his foot on the table, and proclaims for the whole bar to hear!" I leap to my feet and sweep my arms out in imitation. "'I, sir, am a Puritan!'"
"FOOOSFOSFOSFOS!" Hogback howled with laughter as he pounded the table, his clearly squashed lungs wheezing desperately. "P-Puritan! A-And after the donkey—! A-And the chandelier and the—! FOSFOSFOSFOS! T-That's a good one! Truly hilarious!"
I snickered as I came down from the high that a successful joke provided. Well, if Hogback wasn't genuinely laughing, then he was putting on a very good act. Buuut going by the slight rosiness in his cheeks (what little I could see under all that grease, anyway), it was not only genuine, but booze-enforced. This served to assure me that our ruse was going perfectly.
Currently, we were all sitting comfortably in the dining room, both sides of the enemy content in their masquerade of friendliness for the sake of defeating the other when the time was right. Of course, the balance was rather firmly in our favor considering that they didn't know that we knew about their trap, or that we had one of our own.
…oooh, good lordy, I only just realized that we'd gotten ourselves into this kind of situation. Eesh. Well, on the bright side, at least the rabbit hole didn't go down too deep.
Aaanyways, getting back on topic… while I was wining and dining Hogback to the best of my abilities (which I'm guessing were pretty good, seeing as he hadn't tried to leave yet and Cindry hadn't commented on how he'd drunk two bottles while my glass was untouched), the rest of my friends were occupied with their own affairs.
Currently, Soundbite had retreated into his shell so as to try and pierce the veil of the fog, Usopp and Lassoo were whiling away the time flicking napkin-footballs across the table at one another (picture perfect field goals every time, of course), Robin was laid out on a plush red velvet fainting couch with her arm draped over her face, claiming she needed a quick nap to recuperate from the island's teeeerrible airs, and Conis and Su were wandering around the border of the room separately, taking in the impressive pieces of art that adorned the room, from paintings to statues to suits of armor to gargoyles. Of course, Cindry had started to get on their case about insisting on poking at every little thing and leaping on every piece of furniture, but she'd dropped it after Conis had said that Skypieans had a more tactile appreciation for art and Su had said she needed the exercise.
These reasons were all, of course, steaming piles of Sea King shite.
In reality, Soundbite and Robin were cooperating to properly map out every last inch of the dining room, acquiring its layout and secret passages, and tagging any zombies that might be hiding in plain sight. Conis was aiding in that endeavour via her prodding, giving away the zombie's locations by prodding them and causing them to twitch—which was a good thing, too, because, as evidenced by the aforementioned various art, compared to the literal half dozen from canon, we were in the middle of a potential ambush. Su was merely waiting for Soundbite and Robin to give her the location of her objective, and Usopp and Lassoo… well, actually, they were whiling away the time, but mark my words, their game of finger football was vital to our success!
Now it was all just a question of—
"Foxhole acquired," Soundbite hissed in my ear.
—check that, looks like go-time was now-time.
"Do it," I hissed right back, though it wasn't Soundbite I was aiming it at.
Completely by coincidence, Conis chose that moment to sidle up next to a suit of armor, leaning in close to examine it before recoiling with an exaggerated gasp. "Oh, dear! It looks like your suit of armour has a dent in it! Oh, but don't worry, it's outwards! I'm fairly certain I can fix it."
"Please don't," Cindry deadpanned, with what I swear was a hint of long-suffering to her voice.
"No, no, really." Conis adopted an ever-so-slightly too-innocent smile as she drew her fist back. "I insist."
And with that, her fist snapped forward—
SKRANG!
—and the armour's chestpiece went flying, the arms and helmet hanging in place for a moment before smashing to the ground. That was intentional. The chestpiece smashing into and bowling over the next suit over, however? That was nothing short of gravy.
"Oops!" Conis gasped dramatically behind her hand, which she was using to hide her wide smile. "Sorry! Don't know my own strength sometimes!"
"I asked you not to." Yeah, now I really wasn't imagining the exasperation in Cindry's voice.
"I thought she was out of the clumsy stage by now," Usopp groaned with all the composure of a master liar.
"Poor fool! She's a woman! They never leave that stage! Fosfosfosfos!" Hogback wheezed; his blood-alcohol levels were likely the reason behind his swaying.
"Very good, sir," Cindry droned before turning to leave the room. "Now, if you'll pardon me, I need to fetch a dustpan."
"Oh no, need to bother yourself, allow me," Robin sighed from her prone position, several arms blossoming on the armour pieces and starting to reassemble them.
"Oh, very nice. You're quite handy to have around."
Everyone paused to stare at Hogback, who was already thunking his forehead against the table. "Damn you, Absalom, you've infected me with your transparent sense of humour…" he grumbled. He then sat up with a groan, kneading his forehead. "Agh, and I'm already starting to get a hangover. We really should see about retiring…"
"Nonsense, sleep is for the weak!" I laughed exuberantly as I hastily refilled his glass. "Here, this'll kill your pain for you! And while you're drinking, I'll tell you all about a bit of fun our crew had a few weeks back involving a chicken, a quesadilla, and a chicken quesadilla."
That got the fat hog's attention, and he leaned in eagerly after taking a pull from his glass. "Oooh, tell me everything!"
In the midst of me regaling Hogback with yet another tale of our crew's antics (thank Drake and Hawkins for giving me a lot of backlog to work with) and Robin noisily redressing the downed suits of armour, a single fact went unnoticed by the inhabitants of the manor.
A member of our party was missing, and, more pressingly, they weren't the cause.
Eh, not like I could blame them. After all, who'd miss a single snarky ball of fur?
-o-
Hidden away in the depths of the network of tunnels and passages that snaked throughout the manor's walls, a pair of spider-mouse hybrids were conversing idly as they awaited the signal to start their gruesome, morally depraved work with equally depraved glee.
"Do you think Master Moria will want any of the animals' shadows? Aside from the Dugongs, they're not really anything special if we take away the Devil Fruit powers," one of the mismatched abominations pondered, tapping its fingers together eagerly as it looked out into the parlour from a well-placed hole. "I mean, Hogback will probably want the doctor as a lab assistant or some such, but apart from that…"
"Honestly, I say it's fifty-fifty," his companion shrugged. "They're not that strong, no, but they're still shadows, and we can never have too many cold bodies. Though…" He adopted a flat look. "Unless I miss my guess, you're asking because you want permission to eat the white rat?"
"It's been so long since I've had fresh meat…" the other zombie moaned, though he was quick to slap his cheeks. "Bah, dreaming won't get me a meal, and we're off topic. Where were we?"
"Well, apart from your intended snack," the second arachnid-rodent rolled his eyes. "We have a total of four targets. Nico Robin's Devil Fruit powers mean she'll be a bit tricky, but I imagine with an ample distraction—!"
"Liiiiike knocking over a suit of armour to get everyone's attention?"
"Yes, yes, like that," the zombie dismissively replied. "With a distraction like that, we'll be able to completely blindside her and take her out before she has… time to… wait a second…" The mouse trailed off into confusion as his brain caught up with what he was hearing. "Since when do female spider-mice exist?"
"Oh, they don't. 'Cause you see…"
Without warning, the zombie was wrenched around by its nose so that it was face-to-face with a snowy, pinch-eyed mask of fury.
"I'm not a mouse," 'Cottontail' Su hissed. That was the last thing the zombie heard before she shoved her paw into his mouth, forcing him to cough up a writhing mass of black a moment later.
The other zombie could only stare in horror as his friend's newly lifeless husk slumped to the floor of the passage. He started to stumble back before freezing as Su snapped her gaze at him.
"And I sure as hell," she hissed, cracking an eye open for emphasis. "Am no rat."
That was all the poor (for a given definition of the word) zombie's nerves could take. It spun on its many heels and… well, it's hard to say what it tried to do; run maybe, or perhaps even scream for its un-life. Honestly, it didn't matter, because whatever it tried to do, it failed to do it before Su was on him like white was on her, cramming her paw through its gap-toothed smile and liberating its unjustly acquired essence before it could issue so much as a peep.
Su took a moment to regain her breath before glancing into the room where her friends were still in. "Snow White to Farmer Jeremiah, this is Snow White calling Farmer Jeremiah. Come in, Farmer Jeremiah."
She grinned impishly as Cross surreptitiously adopted what Soundbite had told her was called the 'Gendo Pose' in order to hide how rigid his smile had become. "This is Farmer Jeremiah, kindly asking you to blow it out of your ass," he bit out in her ear.
Su spared a moment to snicker to herself. "I've cleared the room of mice, and I'll take care of any others that head this way. Soundbite, any idea how many are left?"
"Too many by half. You really think you CAN TAKE THEM ALL?"
"All at once and head-on?" Su snorted sardonically. "Doubtful. But one at a time, in a labyrinth of secret passages with a living noise detector for a… what was it again?"
"GPS."
"Right, that. Well…" Su allowed a downright sadistic grin to slide across her muzzle. "They never caught me in Upper Yard, and they're as hell not gonna catch me down here. Their hodgepodge asses are mine."
"Heh, fair enough. Good luck to you, Snow White."
"Oh, I'm actually not going to be using that anymore. Call me…" Su slid her bandanna up over her muzzle. "Solid Fox."
"…you've been spending entirely too much time with Soundbite."
"Preposterous! ON AN UNRELATED NOTE, one coming from the left."
Su didn't even hesitate to jump straight up into a passage perpendicular to the one she was in. A second later, a spider-mouse ran nose-first into the long, cool corpses of its comrades.
Before it could even gibber, Su dropped onto its abdomen and snagged its neck in a chokehold. "Shhh…" she whispered soothingly, even as she pried its struggling jaws open. "No, no, no tears… only dreams now."
"That. That right there is exactly what I'm talking about—!"
"Whoa, heads-up."
-o-
"Hm?" I glanced briefly at my partner's shell before resuming my casual look forward. "What is it?"
"What it is, is that I JUST GOT CONFIRMATION from teams 2, 3 and 4. PHASE TWO COMPLETE WITH… one or two hiccups, but WE'RE GOOD TO GO." He poked his eyestalks out of his shell and glared at Hogback, who totally missed it on account of how hard he was laughing. "LET'S WASTE THESE DICKS."
I hid the bloodthirsty way I was baring my teeth. "Gladly. But first…" I drifted my hand to my side. "Let's cement our credibility. Say, Doctor!" I piped up. Hogback's head snapped up as I slapped a grin on my face and loudly thunked my transceiver on the table. "What would you say to an interview on the world's most popular—!"
"And only," Robin commented airily.
"—and only," I conceded with a nod. "An interview on the world's most popular and only talk show? I mean, after all…" I waved my hand at him, wearing a forced but hopefully convincing endearing grin. "You are one of the most famous people in the world, and you've been gone for twelve years! I would be remiss to pass up the chance to get an exclusive with you!"
While Hogback's expression rapidly morphed from one of surprise into one of eagerness, I had to hastily hide a smirk at the way Cindry visibly twitched.
"Doctor Hogback, I'm sorry for speaking out of turn, but the hour has grown quite late," Cindry bit out, a hollow tone of urgency underscoring her point. "If you'll kindly excuse yourself, I'll see that our guests are moved to…" I grinned even wider as she glared at me with what could have been scorn had it had even a spark of life to go with it. "Appropriate accommodations."
"Oh, now now, no need for that," Hogback waved her off, bubbling with energy as he kept his eyes latched on my gateway to the world. "Don't be so stuffy, Cindry! It's just one little interview. And besides…" I barely kept my disgust off my face as his drunken stupor was suddenly replaced by a smirk of barely hidden malevolence. "What reason has a genius such as I for holding my anonymity, hmm? Why, in fact…" His smirk widened as he started stroking his chin. "I imagine that if I let the world know where I was, we'd get faaar more visitors here at our humble abode. Doesn't that just sound smashing?"
Cindry's eyelid twitched minutely before she settled back in place, staring dead ahead. "Very good, sir," she droned. I was… actually quite surprised by the response. Thanks to my association with Soundbite, I was a bit more familiar with the nuances of the human voice than most. As such, I was able to hear the long-dead undertones of shame lurking in Cindry's voice. Well, looks like either Cindry actually was present in what remained of herself, or… Margarita, I believe? Was present in more than just her scorn for dinnerware.
Well, whatever it was, it wouldn't matter for much longer.
"Well, glad to hear it!" I bared my teeth at Hogback. "Just gimme oooone second…" I hastily patted myself down for a pen and scribbled something down on a napkin, which I pocketed before grabbing at the box's mic, causing my friends in the room to tense in anticipation. "And let's get this party started!"
-o-
"So, bringing this meeting to order," stated a Marine who looked like he hadn't gotten much sleep over the past couple of weeks. "We'll begin with the status reports."
Rear Admiral Brannew blinked blearily as he shuffled through his papers; he had received his 'promotion' to the recently created Straw Hat Anti-Fallout Task Force the day that the new bounties had been released into the Grand Line, for his 'years of faithful service'. He had come to realize over the past several weeks that, in reality, it was just an excuse so that they could heap more work on his head. He knew he should have checked that bounty-confirmation order with Sengoku; he just knew it.
But he still understood the higher-ups' reasoning: with Jeremiah Cross already responsible for so much damage, they needed as much manpower as they could get to catalogue it. But that didn't make slogging through report after tedious report any more respectable or enjoyable. In fact, it was bad enough that he was finding a lot more comfort in the SBS broadcasts, which by unspoken agreement usually resulted in a pause to listen (and half the time, a bigger headache than he started with).
But either way, he had a meeting to provide answers for.
"According to compiled reports from the Four Blues and Paradise," Brannew sighed wearily. "Latest numbers say that approximately one-third of our bases have been left completely untouched since the Enies Lobby debacle due to the positive reputations that they've garnered in their nearest civilizations, and are in fact reporting a slow but constant growth in volunteer Marines enlisting into the Navy. Admittedly, we've had more than a few reports of…" He glanced to the side, and he coughed into his fist. "Discipline issues with them, particularly in Paradise, but fortunately, the new training grounds in Navarone are fully established and moulding those recruits into proper Marines. In fact, washout rates and discipline issues have halved compared to Blackarm Island's old statistics. Spring Island climates leading to calmer temperaments and all that."
Brannew then allowed himself to sag slightly, an action he would never have taken while performing his duties as a Commodore. "That's the extent of the good news, however. With the number of resignations over the last several weeks, combined with combat losses, we've lost 15% of our forces in the Blues and 20% of our Grand Line forces, and that means the entire Line. 10% of the Blue bases have been overthrown, destroyed, or have defected, along with 8% of the Grand Line bases. A small percentage have even reported that they've ceded their affairs to…" He was silent for a bit before sighing wearily. "Pirate governments."
He waited for the groans that always arose from the news of pirate-islands erecting themselves to die down before continuing. "More problematic than the losses in manpower and bases, though both are severe and will take considerable time to make good, is the loss in warships. Between the attack on Enies Lobby, the actions of the rookies recently dubbed 'Supernovas', the concurrent actions in the New World, and far too many mutinies, the latest numbers say that we've lost thirty-seven of our 258 battleships, with another eleven requiring full rebuilds before they can be made seaworthy again. We have suffered similar loss rates in cruisers and unrated warships, though we haven't been able to account for all of them."
A wave of mutterings, before one officer spoke up. "That… doesn't sound so bad?"
Brannew glared down at the offending officer, annoyed at both the interruption and the ignorance displayed. "Those losses represent a tremendous loss in our ability to directly control the sea. More importantly, Water 7's decidedly hostile independence has cost us a full fifth of our global shipbuilding capacity. While our ability to build battleships has not diminished, thanks to the decision to build them at Government-run shipyards only, this dramatically hurts our construction of smaller warships that are, if anything, even more vital for sea control. Not to mention it costs us a major source of munitions and maritime supplies. I haven't run the numbers yet on how our reduced capacity will affect replacement of all those ships, but suffice to say that my preliminary estimates are grim."
The glare was extended to the rest of the room. "And before anyone suggests simply building more shipyards, I have here…" Reaching down, Brannew grabbed a massive stack of papers and slammed it onto the podium with a satisfying thud. "Every proposal from existing shipbuilders to expand their yards, including our own." Edging out a clipped sheaf from the stack, he gave it a waggle. "This is the proposal from the Government yards. It would take six years." He then tossed it behind him. "It would also cost the Government over ฿10 Billion, all of which would have to come out of the World Nobles' discretionary fund, thanks to that thrice-damned Bege. So that's a non-starter."
The next set comprised almost half the stack. "These are most of the private proposals. They would take anywhere from seven to fifteen years to complete, come with mutually exclusive building rights contracts attached, and we'd need to sign multiple to get the capacity we need. The only point in their favour is that they won't cost us any money we wouldn't be spending anyway." The papers were stacked off to the side.
Reaching down, he pulled out another, thinner sheaf, holding it and its large-font first page up for everyone to see. "Here's the response we received from the Dordon & Sons Shipyards, situated in the New World, when we sent them a contract proposal."
One of the officers squinted at the paper before straightening in his seat, his eyes wide in disbelief. "…ah, sir, is this even anatomically possible?"
"It is if you're a Long-Arm."
"But… there aren't any Long-Arms in the Navy, sir."
Brannew scowled as he crumpled up the paper. "Trust me, they're fully aware of that."
Tossing that proposal with the Government one, Brannew pushed forward the thickest sheaf. "And finally, this is a proposal from Colvos Island to build an entirely new shipyard complex. It would meet most of our capacity needs, and its location in the East Blue means it should be easy to guard. It would take ten years to finish, but under the circumstances, that's a damn good time."
"What's the catch?" one of the officers nervously asked.
"Seeing as you apparently took notes during Cross's lecture, you can expect a raise," Brannew nodded approvingly. "The catch, of course, is that they have only half the money they need. The Government would need to provide the rest."
"And we can't afford that," the officer sighed.
"Exactly. So, before we move on, the floor is open for any possible solutions you may have."
Before anybody was forced to offer a suggestion on how to help stop an entire military's shipbuilding infrastructure from imploding, they all were rescued by a sound the world now knew by heart.
"Don don don don!"
"Hold your thoughts," Brannew sighed as he reached for the receiver. "We'll spare a couple of minutes to see if this is something more demanding of our attention."
The officers nodded and turned their attention towards the snail.
"—seven, eight, nine O'Leary, ten O'Leary, gooot it! Ah, it's wonderful to see such a rapid response. Hello once again, people of the world! Jeremiah Cross, here as always—"
"Accompanied by Soundbite—"
"Personally welcoming you all… to the one and only SBS."
There was a single second of silence in which all of the Marine officers stiffened. Then Brannew broke it with a slam of his palm on the table.
"Meeting adjourned," he stated. "Half of you start transcribing this, the other half prepare the task force for running damage control. I want our battleships ready to sail within the hour."
The Rear Admiral shoved his chair back from the table as he stood up. "The Voices of Anarchy are speaking another island's eulogy, and I want us to be there before there's nothing left of the place but ashes."
The other officers all rushed to obey.
Brannew stared after them for a moment before hanging his head and groaning. "Just another wonderful day in the Grand Line…"