"Today's show is going to be quite the spectacle," I promised my viewers, eagerness roiling in my gut like a live serpent. "And considering our track record, you know that's saying something. To kick off our line-up, we have an interview with an individual whom I'm told the global scientific and medical community is very interested in." I held my mic out to my eagerly awaiting 'guest'. "Care to introduce yourself?"
"Oooh, yes yes yes, I very much would!" the 'good' doctor declared as he leaned forward into the receiver. "Ah, to imagine that I would be given access to such a wondrous pulpit firsthand, rather than merely calling in! Ah, but enough digression!" He drew himself up to his full height, his chin raised proudly. "People of the world, I am Doctor Huberto P. Hogback! For those of you who are of less, eh…" He took a moment to think about it before shrugging dismissively. "Educated upbringings, I am—" To what little credit he had, Hogback barely even twitched, and he certainly didn't miss a beat. "—one of the most acclaimed doctors the world over! It is an absolute pleasure to be here with you all today!"
I nodded in agreement as he sat back down. Then I slowly rolled my joints in preparation to speak. "To elaborate, for those who are unaware, Doctor Hogback has been secluded from the public eye for the past twelve years. This interview will be his first public appearance in that time, and believe me when I tell you that it is my…" I lapsed into silence for a moment, stretching the corners of my mouth wide, putting every last one of my teeth on display. "Utmost honour to elucidate on just what Doctor Hogback has been working on all this time.
"Ah, but first!" I snapped my finger up, causing the doc to blink in confusion. "We're currently in the middle of having dinner, prepared by the Doctor's lovely maid, one Victoria Cindry. Spectacular food, truly, and I'd dearly love some seconds, but ah…" I donned a sheepish grin. "If I might make a humble request of our esteemed hostess?"
The undead maid-nee-actress graced me with her usual neutral look. "And what would that be, sir?"
I paused before answering, taking a second to glance around and confirm that my crewmates were all ready; the next phase relied on getting this perfect. But seeing as they were all in position, I spared a final glance between Usopp and the female zombie still standing at Hogback's side before opening my mouth.
"Could I have it served?" I said with the utmost casualness. "On a plate?"
As expected, the actress turned to me with her eyes narrowed, opening her mouth to begin a tirade—
—and then slapped a hand to her throat and gagged as she inadvertently swallowed something that flew down her esophagus. Something small, triangular, papery… and chock-full of salt.
In the same moment, Lassoo snapped his head up and spat a pellet of halite straight into the yet-open mouth of the mounted boar head on the wall, which suddenly sprang to life and started gagging as well.
Their writhing didn't last long. Within seconds, Zombies 269 and 400, AKA Buhichuck and Victoria Cindry, both collapsed to the floor as their ill-acquired shadows roiled from their gaping mouths, their second leases on life revoked.
Hogback blinked slowly as he took in what had just occurred. "…Cindry?" he breathed. Then the gears all clicked into place, and he shot to his feet with a pained howl. "CINDR—ARGH!"
The fat hog's scream was cut off by me shooting from my seat and ramming my forearm into his windpipe, pinning him in his chair. Soundbite then leapt into motion. Literally, he jumped off my shoulder and landed squarely on Hogback's bald spot, leering down at the bastard.
"Keep struggling," I snarled tersely. "And your genius brain is as good as jelly."
"Hoo. Hoo. …hoo?" Soundbite's dry-as-plaster laughter trailed off into confusion as he glanced around the room. I joined him and quickly realized what was wrong: we were still in a dining room, not a battlefield. Which, obviously, wasn't right. Seriously, I knew that cutting off the heads of their chain of command in the room would be effective, but this was a bit much.
"Uh… okay, hang on, gimme a second…" I held up a finger as I tried to think of a decent trigger.
"Lemme guess, they're not moving, huh?" Su's impish and disembodied voice chuckled in the air. "Here, broadcast me, I'll light a fire under their asses."
"You're live!" Soundbite promptly informed her.
"Great! Now, then…" She coughed for a second before raising her voice to a yowl. "BRING IT THE HELL ON, YOU PATHETIC PACK OF PATCHWORK PALAVERS!"
That did the trick: in less than a second, the room all but literally leaped to life. Paintings tore out of their frames (or dragged them with them), half the statues and suits of armour in the room leaped off their pedestals, brandishing their weapons, the gargoyles fell from the chandelier, and much to my consternation, the dining table was flipped when the bearskin rug reared up on its flattened paws and roared. That was disappointing, because honestly, plates or no, that was some damn good ravioli.
Ah, well. At least the spectacle that ensued more than made up for my loss.
And what a spectacle indeed. Ah, how best to put it, how best to put it… eh, simplicity holds its own beauty: My crewmates went Matrix on their revenant-asses.
To elaborate, Lassoo, Usopp, and Conis went back-to-back-to-back, arranging themselves in a triangle and blasting out a barrage of shot after salty shot around the room in a scene straight out of the Wachowski Brothers' vivid imaginations. Pellet after pellet of salt struck home with pinpoint accuracy, systematically and efficiently thinning the zombie horde. Gargoyles dropped out of the air, paintings faceplanted, and lifeless suits of armour bowled over their comrades as their heavy frames reverted to little more than ballistic corpses.
All fairness to the zombies, it wasn't like they were just trying to swarm us. Several of them tried to cover their mouths or slam their jaws shut, but Robin, yet to stir from her nonchalantly reclined position, handled their precautions with ease by blooming dozens of arms across the room that then proceeded to either wrench jaws open, rip hands away or tear helmets off, providing clear targets for our artillery experts, and artillery proper where Lassoo was concerned.
At that point, the zombies came to the understandable conclusion that their only hope really was to swarm us, and more annoyingly, that charging headlong at the people shooting them full of salt was perhaps not the best idea. Instead, they charged for the two people not shooting: Robin and me.
Chalk it up as the latest (and last) in a series of poor, un-life choices. More hands sprouting from the floor immediately immobilized the zombies going for Robin (most of them) and wrenched their heads around, so their mouths faced Conis and Lassoo's artillery. Wham, bam, salted.
Several, though, were going for me. Thankfully, in order to get to me, they had to run by Usopp, and if they thought presenting their sides to him would help, well, they clearly hadn't met Usopp. It was an amazing sight: our sniper was firing as fast as he could pull back his Kabuto, and he was curving his shots, and yet each batch of salt went straight down a zombie's gullet.
Only one zombie actually made it into grabbing range: a red-clad female zombie dragging her painting behind her through the remains of the dinner table, knocking some of it towards me and somehow leaping up to grab for my face.
Instead, my hand grabbed her face.
"Impact," I said around my smirk as the zombie flailed. With its usual BANG!, the Impact Dial… blew the entire top half of the zombie's head off.
"Eurgh," I groaned, flailing my gauntlet to try and get some of the gunk off of it before tossing a salt pellet down the thankfully still-intact throat. "Probably should've seen that coming…"
"Also, I FEEL LIKE we're missing something…" Soundbite added thoughtfully.
"GROAAAAR!"
"Right, THAT."
Despite the giant zombie bear rug looming over me, I didn't panic. See, I knew something it didn't. Leaning over, I picked up a little something that had been knocked my way when that painting zombie had come at me.
"Hey, Conis!" I called out, winding back my arm. "Catch!"
The bear rug zombie paused in its attack to watch the salt shaker fly through the air, leaving it wide open when Conis caught, loaded, and fired the shaker from her grenade launcher in one smooth motion. The rug collapsed back into a rug as she put said shaker clean down his maw, accompanied by a shadow wafting up into the sky.
And just like that, the room went silent, the newly freed shadows swirling and roiling about the ceiling in a mass of writhing black before seeming to squeeze their way out through cracks. It felt like a full minute before the silence broke.
"… is that all of them?" Usopp asked uneasily, strangling the shaft of his Kabuto.
"LEMME CHECK!" Soundbite leered eagerly before addressing the room. "BRING OUT YER DEAD!"
There was a moment of silence, and then a painting zombie pinned under a suit of armour's mass weakly raised its arm. "Ah'm not dead ye—!"
"Off the helmet aaaaand—!" I called, tossing out a pellet I was carrying. Said pellet bounced off the headgear I was aiming for as intended and—!
"GRK!"
"Nailed it!" I pumped my fist victoriously.
"YOU KICK A TOUCHDOWN!" Soundbite crowed.
"Yes, yes, all very well and good," Robin sighed as she sat up on her couch, stretching her arms above her head while a different set of limbs grew along the seam of the door and linked grips, effectively sealing the only way out shut. "In other news, I can confirm that the room is secure. No way in, no way out."
"AND NOBODY HEARD jack shit OF WHAT JUST WENT ON EITHER!" Soundbite informed me with a cackle. "We're free and clear!"
"Glad to hear it!" I smirked, flashing them all a thumbs-up.
"What…"
"Hm?" I turned my attention back to Hogback, who was rapidly starting to purple, and not from how hard I was pressing down on his throat.
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE BLEEDING STYX IS GOING ON?!" he… more squeaked than yelled.
I blinked at him before grinning 'pleasantly' and sitting back down in my seat, which Robin had been kind enough to right for me. "Oh, just a little bit of crowd control, that's all. Couldn't have your goons jumping us and interrupting our fun, after all. 'Cause you see, Doctor Hogback…" I spat the name like the insult it was as I leaned my grin on my fist. "We're still going to have that interview, and it is going to be about the work you've been doing while you've been missing… but it's going to be the truth." I jabbed my finger in his face. "The whole truth, the honest truth, the only truth. And sure as heck not the two-bit bullshit you were planning on feeding the world."
And just like that, Hogback's attitude totally reversed, his indignant outrage draining away to pure, bowel-dropping terror. "W-What?" he breathed.
"You heard him, Doctor."
Hogback jumped in his seat and twisted around to stare up at Robin as she leaned on the back of his seat, smiling down at him like a particularly demonic cat that had just bagged itself a rat.
"You're going to tell the world everything," she purred. "About this island, your endeavours here… and more importantly, about the involvement of your master."
Hogback was sweating like a stuck pig now, but I noticed that he was somewhat calmer. I could tell what he was planning, and that certainly wouldn't do, so I subsequently withdrew the napkin that I'd written on beforehand and held it up for him to read.
'Act like I'm holding up a script, and I'll turn Cindry into mulch.'
Hogback choked as he took in the words, his controlled facade crumbling in favour of shivering and gagging on his own tongue as he tried and failed to produce some kind of response. Finally, with what seemed like half his body's water content coating him in sweat, he gave me a pleading stare. "He will kill me," he managed, in a voice an octave above even his usual high tenor.
I chuckled dryly. "Ohhh, you poor degenerate bastard. Haven't you realized yet? He already has."
Hogback tried to form a response to that, but he was too flustered for anything but confused fragments to come out. I casually leaned back in my chair, smirking at him as I gestured around the room.
"Twelve years you've been gone, Hogback," I drawled. "Twelve years, and no one has heard a word from you. And what do you have to show for it, hmm? Who knows where you are, what you've done? Your master may have provided you with the best possible outlet for your talents… but who's hearing about it? How can people praise you for your genius if they think you're dead? You're alone here in the darkness, and if he has his way, that's all you'll ever be. Nobody will ever know about your so-called greatest accomplishments."
The surgeon froze, even his fear stilling as my words sank into his brain. I could see the conflict in his mind, his duty and loyalty to Moria slamming headlong into and buckling before the might of his titanic ego's wrath. When I saw that he was starting to tremble and fiddle with his glasses, I knew it was time to push him over the edge.
"Then again," I sighed with a cock of my head. "There's not really much to praise, is there?"
Hogback's focus snapped back to me so fast I swear he must have given himself whiplash.
I leaned forward with a savage grin on my face, gesturing at my mic. "Go on, Hogback, tell them! Tell the world about what you consider the crowning achievement of your career! The mockery of life you've created!"
And as the lens of Hogback's sunglasses fractured under his fingers, I knew that I had won.
"MOCKERY!?" the depraved physician bellowed as he tore out of his seat, somehow managing to make himself look imposing. "HOW DARE YOU!? I AM THE GREATEST MEDICAL MIND IN ALL THE WORLD! GREATER THAN YOUR MANGY RUG OF A PET, BETTER THAN THAT DRAGON-BRAINED HACK VEGAPUNK, BETTER THAN THAT BUTCHER OF A BRAT TRAFALGAR, OR ANY TWO-BIT BACK ALLEY QUACK WHO EVER SLITHERED OUT OF DRUM ISLAND! I AM… I AM…!"
"SAY IT!" I roared, shooting to my feet and shoving my face in his. "SAY IT, YOU POMPOUS HACK, SAY IT!"
"I AM THE GREATEST DOCTOR WHO EVER LIVED!" he screamed back. "I AM THE DOCTOR THAT CONQUERED DEATH ITSELF!"
-o-
"Yes, you heard me right, I conquered death!" Hogback laughed hysterically. "No… nonono, more than that, I cured death! I revealed it as the worthless disease that it is, and has always been!"
"It is… truly amazing just how far a few choice words can push someone," Marigold breathed as she clenched and unclenched her grip on her naginata. "I have to agree with that Kokoro woman: I am very glad that Cross is on our side."
"Nidhogg only knows what he'd have done to us if he weren't," Sandersonia muttered back, uneasily twisting her hair through her fingers.
"But… But resurrecting the dead?" Marguerite protested, disbelief colouring her voice. "I-I realize that I've been sheltered living on Amazon Lily all my life, but…" She shook her head in denial. "Even by Grand Line standards, even with what you've told me of Devil Fruits, th-this sounds utterly insane!"
"Which is exactly why Cross had to ambush him nyon," Elder Nyon sighed grimly.
Marguerite and the Gorgon Sisters exchanged confused looks at the recently accepted advisor to the Empress of Amazon Lily, a title that here meant Hancock had stopped throwing Elder Nyon out of the windows.
"Care to explain yourself, Granny?" the resident Warlord sniffed imperiously.
…quite as often, at any rate.
The Elder set her jaw with a dismissive tsk. "By starting the interview in his usual informal manner, Cross proved that Hogback's reaction was entirely natural; he proved that this isn't just some stunt. Insane as this might sound, Hogback is saying what he is of his own volition. This…" She shook her head slowly. "Insane though it might be, this is all very, very real."
"Great serpents above and below…" Marguerite breathed numbly.
"I might have been a little better than average in my science class, but my teachers sure as heck managed to cram the scientific method into my skull," Cross continued coolly, venom bubbling just beneath the surface. "So, Doctor Hogback… care to communicate your results and process?"
"Gladly!" Hogback spat back, arrogance packed into his every word. "It's a simple process, really! And it all begins with my master: the lord of the Undead Isle of Thriller Bark, the man long renowned as the 'Umbral Allfather'! The greatest wielder of the Shadow-Shadow Fruit to ever live, Gecko Moria himself!"
Salome suddenly hissed in pain when his mistress's fingers unconsciously crushed his coils beneath their suddenly steely grip.
"…I never did like that pale bastard," Hancock breathed quietly, unaware of how the rest of the women in the room were all on their knees and gasping for air.
-o-
In his home in Bighorn, President Dalton shifted about uncomfortably as his country's surgeon general wrenched a song of tortured glass from the bottle she was strangling.
"Ah, Doctor Kureha, correct me if I'm wrong…" Dalton swallowed hesitantly. "But wasn't Doctor Hogback someone whose skills you acknowledged as equal to yours?"
CRACK!
The bison-human flinched as Kureha's thumb snapped the neck of the bottle clean off.
"Yes," the witch doctor bit out tersely. "He was. I respected him for his abilities as a medical expert and Chopper… Chopper looked up to him as a hero of our practice." She then held out her hand, snatched the cup her Lapahn assistant offered her, and poured a glass, snarling all the while. "But I have the distinct impression that his idealized image of the man has been shattered, and that language of his means that mine isn't far from doing the exact same thing."
Before anything further could be said, Cross piped up. "Devil Fruit involvement," he sighed heavily. "Dunno what else I could have been expecting."
"Fosfosfosfos! Yeeees, the abilities granted by the Devils of the Sea are quite incredible, aren't they?" Hogback all but giggled, his temperament lightening as he delved into a topic of passion. "Ah, but I do believe that this is truly an application of abilities to trump all others! For you see, Master Moria has discovered many ways through which he can manipulate the shade… but his most innovative is to liberate others of their umbral selves!"
Kureha and Dalton both tensed as they parsed the words' meaning.
"He… steals people's shadows…" Dalton breathed.
Kureha ground her teeth as she snapped her fingers, prompting her assistant to dig out a pair of bottles that he handed to both her and the president. "And it somehow ties into this resurrection business. Lovely."
"What you must understand is that shadows are with us our entire lives," Hogback ranted, buried in the depths of his own 'genius'. "Our entire lives are imprinted into them: our personalities, our mindsets, our abilities! They are, in essence, an external copy of our very beings! Astral projections of the soul! And Master Moria, he can coalesce that projection into a corporeal form! On their own, shadows can be implanted into living beings and thus impart the knowledge they've acquired upon the subject, but sooner or later, the subject's actual soul rejects the implanted shadow and forces them out! Ahhh… but what of subjects without souls of their own, hmmm? What of those who are empty inside? When a shadow is implanted into those devoid of the spark of life, that void is filled, and they return to life anew!"
SMASH!
Dalton ignored both the liquor dripping through his fingers and the glass embedded in his palm. "He's stealing shadows…" the normally calm man bit out. "And putting them in corpses."
"That bastard's not resurrecting the dead," Kureha snarled, shooting to her feet, grabbing the snail and punching in the numbers of as many doctors as she knew. "He's animating dead bodies!"
-o-
"You're making zombies," Cross stated, his voice as dry as a desert.
"Pfheh," Hogback scoffed dismissively. "Zombies, revenants, the walking-bloody-dead. Whatever you want to call them, the fact remains that I have accomplished what countless other inferior doctors have utterly failed to do: I've breathed life into the un-living!"
"Fascinating, truly fascinating!" Caesar Clown breathed, furiously scribbling in a notebook as he kept his attention cemented on the snail before him. "Ah, I always knew that Doctor Hogback was utterly brilliant in his field, but to think that his genius could have reached such heights over the years!" He threw his gaseous head back and cackled. "SHURORORORO! This may be my favourite SBS to date!"
"But… hang on a second…" the Straw Hats' gunner spoke up. "We were just assaulted by a host of zombies! And out of all of them, the only one that looked remotely like a human was Cindry, and even she was covered in stitches! But the rest… they were feasibly disguised as hunting trophies, paintings, gargoyles… even the bearskin rug was a zombie! These aren't corpses, they're… Su was right, these are patchwork things!"
"Yet more examples of my unmistakable genius!" Hogback preened. "To merely resurrect individuals into rotting husks would be nothing short of grievous negligence! As such, before Master Moria imparts a new shadow unto a corpse, I perform my due diligence by crafting their bodies into the best states for them to perform their duties! They are truly exemplary samples of creation! Perfection incarnate!"
"Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!" Caesar repeated extravagantly, pen all but tearing the paper as he wrote. "Ah, it's tragic that he doesn't stand a chance against the Straw Hats, but at least in his final moments as an esteemed doctor, he's imparting some fragments of his genius. Fare thee well, Hogback! The world knows thee too much! SHURORORORO!"
-o-
"Wait, their 'duties'?" Cross's gun, Lassoo piped up, a snarl slowly seeping into his voice. "Hang on… Moria… controls shadows and they're living through their shadows… son of a bitch, they're not actually alive, they're just puppets! Slaves to Moria, slaves to you!"
"Feh! You act as though free will is some prerequisite for animation. They walk on their own two feet, they speak their minds, and they even have their own personalities! They are perfectly alive!"
"An existence without the ability to make one's own choices. Living a life you have no choice but to live." Nico Robin's voice dripped with icy contempt. "Trust me, Hogback. I have the authority here to tell you that that is not living."
"Tch," Hogback glanced away with a harsh scoff. "One person's opinion."
"Corroborated by the actions of another," Cross hissed coolly. "I read magazines, Hogback, I've seen pictures, I know the truth. I know who Cindry really was before you got your hands on her."
"You leave her out of this!" Hogback hissed back, his expression a mask of scorn.
"Heeere we go…" Trafalgar Law chuckled grimly, his fingers tapping out a staccato beat on his blade's hilt.
"Eh?" Shachi glanced at his captain in confusion. "What do you mean, boss?"
"Cross is done building him up, now he's actively winding him up," Law smirked. "And once he's done? Hogback's going to blow his shit, and he's going to do it in front of the whole damn world."
The rest of the Heart Pirates all blinked at him in surprise before slowly turning grins ranging from savage to eager on their slightly freaked snail.
"I really love these guys," Penguin chuckled.
-o-
"This has everything to do with her!" Cross snapped back at the doctor. "You stole her corpse from her grave! You forced a shadow into her, made her body move against her will! I saw pictures of her, saw her smile! But while she was still moving, I never saw her smile even once! Has she smiled even once in the past twelve years!?"
"Shut the hell up!" Hogback snarled.
"Like hell!" Nojiko cheered, pumping her fist in the air. "Come on, Cross, you haven't shut up even once in the past few months, no matter how much anyone's tried to make you! Don't stop now!"
"MAKE THAT MONSTER REGRET EVERY INSTANT OF HIS DISGRACEFUL LIFE!" Genzo bellowed in outrage.
"Then what about the shadows, huh?" Conis broke in, her scowl showing her to be angrier than the world had ever seen her. "You yourself said that they're integral parts of our beings! There have to be consequences for stealing them! And these zombies… they have serial numbers on them! And the highest I can see is Cindry's! Four hundred! Four hundred people's shadows, unjustly stolen from them! How many more are there? Who did you take them from!?"
"Criminals, of course!" the 'doctor' scoffed, but the tension in his voice was still steadily mounting. "Master Moria is a Warlord; it's his job to hunt the scum of the seas! We acquire the best skills from criminals such as you! From pirates, from Revolutionaries, from—!"
"But you still need to turn in heads to the Marines, and that means you can't take all their shadows!" Cross growled in interruption. "And if they're not all criminals, then you wouldn't have so many after twelve years. No… no, you're getting more on the side! You're not just stealing shadows from the best criminals, you're stealing them from everyone! You've stolen from the Marines! Hell, you've even stolen from civilians, haven't you, you fat bastard?!"
"THOSE WORTHLESS GNATS SHOULD FEEL HONORED FOR CONTRIBUTING TO MY EVERLASTING MASTERPIECE!"
"Whoa!" Genzo and Nojiko reeled back from their snail as it all but exploded in outrage.
"AND WHAT A MASTERPIECE IT IS!" Hogback continued to rant, on the verge of outright frothing. "I'VE CREATED DOZENS, HUNDREDS OF ZOMBIES OVER THE PAST TWELVE YEARS! DO YOU COMPREHEND WHAT I'M SAYING, YOU SIMPLETON?!"
"Cross's big mouth is the most dangerous weapon in the world," Chabo stated, wincing as he dug a finger in his ear. "In more ways than one."
-o-
"I'VE CREATED AN ARMY! AN ARMY OF SOLDIERS THAT KNOW NO FEAR, THAT KNOW NO PAIN, KNOW NO DEATH! THE SINGLE MIGHTIEST ARMY ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET! MIGHTIER THAN THE EMPERORS, MIGHTIER THAN THE MARINES, AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, MIGHTIER THAN YOU AND THE RAGTAG BAND OF MISFITS YOU CALL A PIRATE CREW! YOUR FATE WAS SEALED THE MOMENT YOU SET FOOT UPON THESE PROFANE SHORES!"
"Maneuvering exercises, everyone! We need to be ready to turn on a dime! Check the sails! Check the rudder! Check to make sure Attachan is looking for Moria's old poster and anything we have on Hogback!"
"Ah, b-but Rear Admiral Brannew, sir!"
"Hm?" The newly promoted bounty officer paused in his barking of orders to glance at his subordinate. "Yes, what is it, Master Chief Petty Officer?"
"W-Well, sir…" the officer stammered. "I realize that what Doctor Hogback has done… is doing is…" He scowled grimly. "Morally repugnant… But the point remains that this task force was established solely to track down the Straw Hat Pirates. We… We don't run maneuvering exercises!"
Brannew was silent for a moment before allowing himself a smirk. "Orders from above our pay grade say different. I just got confirmation from Vice Admiral Garp himself."
"Ah…" The officer blinked in surprise. "W-What? Seriously?"
"Seriously," Brannew nodded, turning his head away in order to hide the vicious smirk that was creeping across his face. "And if anyone comes asking, I have the paperwork to prove it."
'Turnabout is fair play, you old Monkey bastard.' The Rear Admiral then spared a glance at the snail on deck. 'And at least it gives me an excuse to leave the younger Monkey bastard be. That's one island I think I don't mind them burning.'
-o-
"AT THIS POINT, THERE'S ONLY ONE QUESTION THAT REMAINS!" Hogback roared in my face, struggling against the half-dozen arms that were holding him in his seat. "AND THAT QUESTION IS JUST WHAT WE'LL DO TO YOU ONCE WE'VE GROUND YOU INTO THE MUD LIKE THE PATHETIC SWINE YOU REALLY ARE! WHETHER YOU'LL BE FORCED TO COWER IN DARKNESS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WHILE YOUR SHADOW RETURNS MY CINDRY TO ME, OR IF I'LL HAVE THE HONOR OF LAYING YOU DOWN ON MY SLAB SO THAT I CAN RIP OUT YOUR TONGUE AND STUFF IT DOWN THE GULLET OF YOUR PET PEST!"
I blinked slowly, still reeling from the sheer force of the outburst. "…holy shit, dude."
Props to Hogback, I had not seen that rant coming. I mean, I expected a rant, but this? I'd had to both fight back a smirk to keep from giving the game away too early and ensure I didn't have a minor loss of bowel control. Still, we'd already won: he'd dug his own grave and all I'd had to do was hand him a shovel.
Hogback took a minute to catch his breath before glancing around at us, his face twisted in a rictus snarl. "Now, I believe it's time that you met Master Moria. I can only imagine that your assorted shadows and corpses will be among the most valuable new additions… to… our… why are you all looking at me like that?" he trailed off.
"I believe the more accurate question would be what we're looking at," Robin said in a glacial tone. "In my personal opinion, I'd say… scum."
"Tyrant," Conis spat.
"Moron," Lassoo contributed.
"Monster," Usopp bit out.
"Royally screwed?" I offered thoughtfully.
"Dead man walking," concurred—thaaaat wasn't one of us.
We all sloooowly turned our gazes upward to behold the pink-haired gothic Lolita hovering above us, glaring down at Hogback as though he were a particularly repugnant insect.
"Especially," Perona continued, shaking her head in disgust. "Once Master Moria hears about this particularly monumental fuck-up."
"P-P-P-Perona, I-I—" Hogback stammered, his fingers squashing together and cold sweat cascading down his face.
"Shut the hell up, you stupid, insufferable, arrogant little man," the Ghost Princess coldly interrupted. "You've said and done enough already. Until this moment, I never would have believed it was possible for anyone else in the world to have as big a mouth and as apathetic a view to the consequences of their actions as the hosts of the SBS. But you have now proven me wrong."
"W-W-What are you—!?"
"You just told the world what we've been doing, you monumental idiot!" Perona shrieked, shoving her astral face into Hogback's. "Our situation was already bad enough before you started spilling your guts; not only are the Straw Hat Pirates invading Thriller Bark while we're still licking our wounds from Drake and Hawkins, but the Humming Swordsman just came back at the same time as them, meaning that not only is our usual playbook in the toilet, but they know how to defeat our zombies!"
"Salt, by the way!" I announced with a shit-eating grin. "Or even saltwater! Sea prism stone most likely cuts it too! The shadow-corpse bond is tenuous at best, and all it takes is a wee little snap to break it!"
"SHUT UP AND WAIT YOUR TURN, YOU RAGING BASTARD!" she roared over her shoulder before resuming her tirade at the now sweat-soaked surgeon. "As I was saying, we've been played! I've been spending the past half hour chasing that perverted asshat all through the stinkin' forest! Your one saving grace is that the Swordsman was dumb enough to snatch up a Transponder Snail somewhere and stick it in his jacket; otherwise, I wouldn't have heard the SBS! Unfortunately, seeing as I'm still too damn late to the party…"
She spread her arms, and a quintet of smiling Negative Hollows coalesced and started swirling about, cackling in their spectral tones as Perona grinned sadistically. "It falls to me to clean up your mess. Honestly? I think the one bright spot in this whole shitfest is that if you survive what Master Moria does to you once he finds out what you've done, you'll owe me until you're on your own slab. Anyway… you've done a lot of damage… buuut I'd bet that the World Government will be able to pardon it if we hand them the Straw Hat Pirates. Now then, NEGATI—eh?"
Perona cut herself off as she glanced down at her quarry, i.e. us. The reason for her distraction was that we were… kiiinda sorta occupied with other affairs at the moment. Affairs concerning the dining room table and its contents, to be precise.
"Lassoo, stop eating all the ravioli!" Usopp objected.
"Why? I don't see any of you willing to eat food off the floor," the dachshund huffed, continuing to gobble down the dislodged pasta.
"Here, Usopp, there's still some mushrooms over here," Conis offered.
"…Have I really never told you even once over the last couple of months that I hate mushrooms?"
"Is there any vanilla ice cream left?" I asked hopefully, scouring the area.
"To your left, Cross," Robin gestured, her many arms already gathering a cup and a pitcher to pour herself a drink.
"Oh, yeah, thanks! Good thing Cindry didn't have an issue with cartons. Oh, and the salad's still pretty intact, too."
"Yay!" Soundbite cheered. "But, ah… THERE'S NOT ANY SALT IN IT from all that fighting, IS THERE?"
I looked over the leaves, frowning in contemplation. "Nah, I think it's safe. But if you'd rather not take the risk, I can just eat it myself—"
"STOP IGNORING ME, YOU LOUD-MOUTHED SON OF A—!" Perona started to howl with all the rage of a woman possessed! PFHAHAHAHA! Haaaaa, I love how that shit just lines up… anyway, back to work!
"I'd recommend saving your strength, Perona," I interrupted. I then grinned up at her, and despite herself, she seemed nervous at the look on my face. "After all… I don't know how much longer you'll be a fake ghost."
"Wh-Wh-What?" the princess stuttered, her face paling quite nicely.
I widened my grin to sadistic levels. "Did you know," I started tauntingly. "That our whole crew recently acquired bounties? Epithets, too. Our doctor's particularly proud of his." I then made a show of putting my finger to my ear. "'Spark of Genius', Tony Tony Chopper, status report."
"I~ spy~ with my little eye~" Chopper's demented voice sang as it bounced around the room. "A small room within a massive floor filled~ with pillars. And in the bed that's in that room, a gothic Lolita lies, utterly dead to the world. My initial diagnosis?"
Soundbite's grin practically split his face in half, and his eyes shone with cyan insanity.
"This should be… FUN."
I had just enough time to see Perona's face completely drain of colour before she shot through the walls, shrieking like a positively unearthly banshee.
-o-
"—ONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOO!"
Perona capped off her panicked shrieking as she tore into her room like a bat out of hell, slamming herself through and into her body as fast as she could manage. The impact was forceful enough that she actually tumbled backward on her bed, slamming her back into and plastering herself against the headboard. She panted frantically, darting her gaze to and fro to spot any mad-eyed reindeer preparing to do hell-knows-what to her body.
In her mind, Hogback could go hang for all she cared on account of her panic being wholly justified. After all, she was the only female on the island (with a pulse, anyway) whose location was common knowledge to the likes of Hogback and Absalom. That is, a demented death-obsessed (and she suspected necrophiliac, UGH) surgeon doctor and a superhumanly strong and invisible pervert. Her room was the best hidden and most reinforced, to the point that it would take a barrage of explosives to breach it.
So the idea that an enemy psycho-doctor could be looming over her feeble, innocent body and ready to do who knows what to it? The irony was not lost on the Ghost Princess that the whole situation was her worst nightmare come to life.
Or, then again, her adrenaline-addled mind slowly conceded as she looked around and fully took stock of her room, maybe not.
Because as she looked around at her pink-and-plush-filled room, she slowly came to accept that, at first blush, nothing of hers was disturbed. Not a sheet, not a doll, nothing. It was… totally…
"Horohorohoro…" Perona allowed a relieved chuckle to whoosh out of her, the panicked energy draining from her body. For good measure, she pulled up the nearest plushie she could grab and buried her face in its fluffy top hat with an ecstatic giggle. "It was just a trick… oh, thank God it was just a trick… I'm going to make that big-mouthed bastard pay for almost making me piss myself, but oh my God I'm so happy it was just a tri-!"
In that instant, two separate things hit Perona at once.
First, she didn't own any plushies that wore top hats.
And second, a sharp prick in her neck, and a numbing sensation to go with it that killed her nascent panic cold.
"Night-night, princess," taunted Tony Tony Chopper.
As darkness invaded Perona's perception of reality, a final thought managed to run through her head before Morpheus claimed her.
'Why… did it have… to be… the… Straw…?'
-o-
I chuckled grimly as I made a show of examining my armoured fingertips. "Remind me, Soundbite: what was it you said back in Alabasta, when I tricked Miss Friday into thinking that a simple mug was a grenade?"
"That would be, you are DA BLUFF MASTAH!" Soundbite chuckled.
"W-What are you talking about!? What did you just do?" Hogback demanded incredulously. "O-Once she gets her hands on your friend—!"
"Status update, Cross: sedative injected. Perona is dead to the world. Exactly as you planned," Chopper's voice said, causing Hogback to fall into a wordless wheeze.
"I love hearing those words," I nodded before looking back at Hogback. "We couldn't guarantee that the Hollow-Hollow Fruit wouldn't actually turn her into a real ghost, and besides that, we don't like killing, period. Much more reliable to trick her into returning to her corporeal form and then locking her inside her own flesh, ne?"
"Ge-bwuh-vrgrgh…" I think Hoggy's brain was kinda sorta fried by this point. Good thing we had a way of snapping him back to reality!
"Now, then!" I said, eagerly clapping my hands together. "Real quick tangent here… Chopper, Hogback is directly in front of me. Anything that you'd like to say to him?"
Chopper didn't answer at first, and the silence stretched on, to the point where it actually became kinda sorta uncomfortable.
Astoundingly, Hogback actually had the audacity to swallow heavily and speak up. "Ah… t-t-this is Doctor Chopper, yes? D-Doctor Tony Tony Chopper? I-I've listened to segments on the SBS before, I-I-I really must say, y-y-your work on, on handling the short-term effects of c-c-concussions is revolutionary! M-M-Might I offer you some advice, a-a-about—?"
"'I will remember'."
Hogback choked off when Chopper suddenly spoke up, his voice utterly devoid of emotion.
"'That there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug'. That's only a piece of the oath, Hogback. Only a fragment of the oath that you and I both swore, but I feel like it's particularly pertinent in this specific instance."
"I-I, t-t-that's—!" Hogback tried to stammer out.
"That oath is long and winding, and it has a lot of sections and specifics to it… But in the end, it all boils down to three simple words: Do. No. Harm."
That actually got a snarl out of Hogback, bristling like a startled boar. "Oh, and you're innocent of breaching medical ethics, you literal rugrat?" he spat. "I tested out a few of your formulae! Your explosives aren't exactly what I'd call 'traditional medicine', and that alter-ego of yours isn't very conducive to an appropriate 'bedside manner' either!"
"Wrong, Hogback," Chopper frigidly countered. "I didn't forget my oath, I found one that takes precedence: my flag. Out here on the sea, we doctors can't afford to be so lax. We need to put preventing harm to our friends before undoing it. And in the pursuit of that duty, all bets are off; no limits that cannot be crossed, no actions that will not be undertaken."
"…And what is your rationalization for holding anything against me if you believe that?" Hogback demanded. "If rules are to be trampled upon when necessary, what is your argument against what I've done? Why would you not attempt something just as 'monstrous' yourself!?"
For a long moment, Chopper was silent, and I almost worried that he didn't have an answer.
"Because even as I step beyond my oath, I have others to bring me back."
Hogback squealed in terror as Chopper's voice took on a distinct overtone of madness that was nonetheless appropriately chained and shackled.
"Even in my… shall we say, enhanced state, my crewmates, my friends are the one line I refuse to cross," Chopper continued coldly. "And more importantly, they are the ones who bring me back when I do teeter on that precipice. How long has it been, Hogback, since you could say that? Have you ever been able to say that?"
Hogback spluttered indignantly as he tried to formulate a response.
"Do you recognize the best part of being a pirate doctor, Hogback?" Chopper forged on, his frigid calm thawing into blazing outrage with his every word. "I imagine you do, seeing as you've liberally practiced it over the past twelve years, but let me say it anyway: there are no limitations on how we choose to apply our skills. Be it for good or for ill, our knowledge can be utilized as either a tool or a weapon at our own discretion. But where you chose to abuse your skills, where you maliciously broke your oath on the backs of the innocent people you were supposed to help, I FULLY INTEND TO BREAK MY HIPPOCRATIC OATH CLEAN OVER YOUR HEINOUS CRANIUM THE MOMENT I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!" Our doctor finished in an animalistic roar of fury, his sheer hatred so loud and so prominent that it shook the very walls of the room.
We were stuck in stunned silence until I finally got the wherewithal to shoot a deadly grin at the by now half-dead hog, who was currently trembling in his chair. "I've honestly never heard him this pissed before now. In a word?"
"YOU BE SCROOD, dood!" Soundbite cackled ecstatically.
Hogback's jaw worked itself silently for almost a solid minute before he finally raised his head to give me a dead look. "When Master Moria finds out what you've done," he breathed listlessly. "There will be no force on this planet that will be able to save you."
The fact that I could hear how he barely even believed in that statement? Glorious beyond all words.
I put on a show of thinking intently before shooting another soul-crushing smirk his way. "Then we'll just need to make sure that 'Master Moria' doesn't find out about this, won't we?" I put my finger to my ear before he could respond. "Boys, how are we doin'?"
"Just waiting on the guests of honour…" Leo breathed before allowing a grin to slide across his face. "And here they come, and here we go."
-o-
"MASTER!"/"MASTER MORIAAA!"/"IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP, MASTER!"
This was the three-part chorus being caterwauled by the diminutive zombies Nin, Bao and Gyoro as they tore into the quintuple-XL-sized bedroom that the island's master was sleeping away the night in.
"Master, Master!" the blue samurai, Bao, hollered at the top of his lungs as he hopped in place. "We've got guests! It's time for you to wake up! Wake up!"
"Gotta pop the bubble, gotta pop the bubble!" The yellow bucket-head, Gyoro, spun one arm eagerly as he pointed at Gecko Moria's colossal snot-bubble with the other. "Pop it, Nin, pop it!"
"You got it!" the pinkish archer, Nin, nodded eagerly. He unslung his bow, nocked an arrow and drew it back in a second. "C'mon, Master! Time to wake—!"
It was at that exact moment that everything went wrong.
SLAM!
More specifically, it all started when the double doors to the room slammed shut behind the trio, each zombie snapping their head around to look.
"Eh—?"/"Wha—?"/"Hu—?"
That was all the three midgets managed to get out before they were frozen, both by shock and by the cold steel they could feel on both the front and back of their necks.
"Medusa Mitigation," Leo intoned, glaring bloody murder at the undead over his crossed arms. Then, in a single surge of strength, he un-crossed his arms—
SHINK!
And sent the trio's craniums flying.
That was the signal for Donny to fling a trio of kunai at the headless corpses from where he'd been standing behind the second door. The knives flew true, and their salt-coated tips slammed into the throats of the three.
Donny's face broke out into a grin, and he pumped his fist triumphantly as the trio's shadows escaped their corpses like bats out of hell. "Hell yes!" he crowed. "Haha, how's that for bada—!"
TWANG!
"—Urk…"
Donny's victorious exultations turned into a choked gurgle on account of Nin's body suddenly falling slack, loosing the nocked arrow in the process. The arrow was still aimed in the general direction of Moria's snot bubble.
All Leo and Donny could do was stare in horror as the arrow flew up-up-up, hanging at the apex of its arc for what felt like an eternity before gravity took hold and flung it down-down-down, right at the snot bubble—
CLANG! "Sonnuva—!"
And right into a link of the suddenly present chain of Mikey's nunchuk, arresting the arrow's momentum right when its very tip was millimetres away from the dugong's fearfully quivering eye.
Mikey panted furiously for a minute, fighting desperately to get his heart rate under control while also holding the arrow in place and maintaining his Tidal Swim above the Warlord's quivering bubble. Once he was certain that his heart wasn't going to explode, however, the orange-bandanna'd dugong shot a murderous snarl at his fellow students. "And you sons-of-bitches have the gall to call me a fucking idiot!?"
The bo and katana wielders exchanged uneasy looks before shooting their brother-in-training dual thumbs up.
"Nice catch, Mikey!"
"Yeah, great work!"
"STOP COMPLIMENTING ME AND HELP ME GET THE HELL DOWN! I'M STARTING TO LOSE FEELING IN MY DAMN TAIL!"
While Leo hastily jumped up to help the nunchuk-wielder down, Donny carefully began loading the syringes he had been given as he gave the scene before him a contemplative look. "Thank Sebek that this worked; if he hadn't taken our heads off when he woke up, Cross would have for screwing his plan!"
~o~
"Alright, guys, Team 3, a.k.a. 'Needle', will consist of Chopper and the TDWS," I pointed them all out, causing them to straighten in anticipation. "Your assignments will be crucial to Team 1's success. Specifically, you'll be removing Perona and Gecko Moria himself from the equation."
The dugongs paled in horror. "Ah… come again?" Raphey squeaked fearfully.
"Er… Cross?" The boss cut in. "I may have faith in my boys, but even I'd say that expecting them to beat a Warlord with just Chopper for backup would be a suicide mission. No offence, Chopper."
"Considering how I've seen what the last two Warlords we met did to our crew? None taken," Chopper gulped, looking at me. "Please say that you have just as good a reason for trusting that we can handle this as you do with Team 2."
I smiled calmly. "You guys are not going to be attacking them. You're going to be attacking their unconscious bodies."
Their reaction was half relief, half confusion.
I leaned back against the mast as I spread my arms out. "As I said, Perona leaves her body sleeping in her room whenever she goes out on patrol. And similarly, Moria is an absurdly heavy sleeper, to the point where it takes an arrow to his snot bubble (just go with it) to wake him up. You'll be locating both of them while they're K.O., and then guaranteeing that they stay K.O. Got it?"
Team 3 all exchanged looks before nodding in agreement.
"Perfect. Alright, things start off with our new Musician." I indicated our new skeletal crewmate. "Brook will be entrusted with either Pinkie or the Brain, but not just so that he's always in communication with us. He'll also have a running line between him and Soundbite, meaning that once I get the SBS started, Perona's most likely going to abandon Brook in favour of us. But before that happens, you four—" I pointed at the TDWS. "Are you going to sneak into the manor undetected, taking Chopper with you, and locate her body?"
"I… don't need to hurt her, do I?" our doctor asked uncomfortably.
"No…" I said, shaking my head, then raising a finger. "But you're going to do your best to make it sound like you are. Once Perona gets to the dining hall, I'll call you, and you'll put the fear of hell in her so that she shoots back to her body. And once she's back inside?" I slammed my fist into my palm. "You're going to sedate her with the heaviest soporific you've got. So long as her mind's asleep, Perona will be out of commission for the rest of our fight. Got it?"
"Hm…" Chopper scratched his chin in thought before nodding. "Yeah, that works for me."
"Good. Now, for the rest of you…" I said, refocusing on the dugongs. "One of you's going to have to stick with Chopper to deal with the dedicated bear-zombie bodyguard Perona has covering her, but the other three are going to locate Moria and wait in the shadows around him. He's got a dedicated trio of zombies acting as his alarm clock, and I'd bet hard cash that those three are the only ones who ever wake him up. So long as you can take them out without anyone finding out? Moria'll be left to snooze for the entirety of our assault."
Leo and Donny shared shocked looks before giving me a wide-eyed stare.
"That's… a pretty good idea, Cross!" Leo exclaimed.
"Yeah, it's genius!" Donny concurred.
My grin became rigid, and I felt a vein start to pulse on my forehead. "And you two sound so surprised about this. Why, exactly?!"
The pair promptly snapped their heads away, whistling very innocently.
"Hm… hey, wait a second…" Mikey mumbled, his head bowed, before snapping his 'fingers'. "I got an idea! If we're gonna be sneaking up on Moria while he's sleeping really, really deep, why not make sure it's an extra deep sleep by sticking him with some of Chopper's drugs too?" He maintained his victorious stance for a second before flushing furiously at the incredulous looks pinning him. "Why the blue hell are you all looking at me like that!?"
That cued another round of hastily averted gazes and overly innocent whistles.
"Eheh… ah, still, if we're doing this…" Chopper sent me a curious look. "Cross, about how big would you say that Moria is? I need it for the dosage."
"Mmm… 25 feet, maybe? Aaaand I have no idea if he's a huge human or a weird giant or what, sooooo…" I shrugged uncertainly.
Chopper's skin promptly paled beneath his fur. "I'll just… go and prepare the Luffy amount then."
Once the Zoan-reindeer wandered off, I regarded the last of our crew, meaning Luffy, Zoro, Franky, Boss and Funkfreed. "Anyways, you guys are Team 4. And trust me, your job's entirely appropriate for your skillset."
~o~
"'Disciple Purple' reporting in, Cross," Donny informed me. "The three undead alarm clocks have been silenced before they could rouse the Warlord—and credit where it's due, that's thanks to Orange catching the arrow—and the Luffy-grade sedative is applied. I don't know what the hell Moria is, but there's no way he's waking up short of a mortar shell going off in his ear."
"And with confirmation from Team 2, that makes us three for three on the fighters of the Mysterious Four!" I confidently declared. "Thriller Bark has fallen in all but name and army." I then shot a sidelong glance at the Four's barely twitching remainder. "Anything you'd like to say, Hogback?"
For a minute, the man couldn't bring himself to do more than sputter in horror. Then, finally, he looked at me with a pleading expression. "Why are you doing this?" he wheezed. "What did we ever do to you? What… What did we do to deserve this?"
I stared impassively at him for a second before scratching my cheek and chuckling. "What did you do… oooh, where to even start…" I made a show of snapping my fingers in realization. "The beginning. That works. And the beginning here would be a fact Conis pegged onto earlier: Shadows. 'Cause… she's right, see. Shadows are integral to a human being. And losing one, the consequences of it, the symptoms…" I shook my head. "They are deadly. Not immediately, but long-term?"
I was silent for a bit before continuing. "I could tell them to the world… but I won't. Rather…" I pinned Hogback with a cold glare. "I'll let your victims handle that. And yes, you heard me right!" I addressed that at my mic. "Right here, right now, I'm inviting victims of Thriller Bark the world over to share their plight with the world. Just a reminder: the number to call is 432-782-762. Punch it in now… and let the world know how unjustly you've been treated all these years."
The room fell silent for the next thirty seconds. During those thirty seconds, I had complete faith that this part of the plan would work. And at the end of those thirty seconds…
"Dot dot dot dot!"
My faith and hopes were vindicated, while what little hopes Hogback had left crumbled.
"Dot dot dot—KA-LICK! Um, hello?" came a somewhat nervous female voice.
"You're live on the SBS," I said with a smirk. "No filter, then?"
"I-I…" The voice's face faltered briefly before she steeled herself quite admirably. "No… no, absolutely not. I've spent too long hiding in the shadows, a-a-and… and I won't stay silent for even one second longer! My name is Margarita, and I am a maid serving in Egana Manor on Torodana Island in the Grand Line. Ten years ago, the ship I was on was attacked by the Moria Pirates, and that monster, Gecko Moria, he… he stole my shadow. I lost consciousness from it, and I didn't wake up until a few days after, but once I did…" The maid's expression grew grim. "My life was a living hell.
"Cross is right: The effects of losing a shadow are horrific. Going without a shadow is unnatural, and there are many consequences. You can't be seen in mirrors, your image doesn't appear in photographs… but worst of all… without a shadow…" Margarita drew in a shuddering breath before forging on. "After the attack, a friend of mine who was with me, she… she stepped out into the morning sun, and before I knew what was happening, before she could even scream, she…" The maid pinched her eyes shut, her face twisted in misery. "S-She burst into flames… and was gone from this world without a trace!"
There was a moment of tense silence punctuated only by Margarita's pained sobbing, until finally I chose to speak up. "If you want, I can—?"
"No!" she protested, even as more tears shone in her eyes. "They… stole my life from me! I need to see this through! I… I need to tell the world of the hell they forced me into! A hell of shadows, of darkness! For ten years, I haven't been able to step into the light for fear of death! For ten years, all I've known is cold and terror. For ten years… I haven't even been able to see the sun…" She paused, audibly panting, and then her angry facade broke into a wide, tearful smile. "Until today. Until a few scant minutes ago, when I saw my reflection in the mirror. When I chose to stand by a candle, I saw that my shadow had returned! As soon as I realized it, t-the master of the house, he threw a party, a-a-and I can't wait for the dawn, because for the first time in years, I can finally see the sun rise on a new day, and it's all thanks to you!"
"Good for you!" Conis smiled pleasantly.
"Hmm…" Robin, meanwhile, was scratching her chin. "Margarita… you said you're a maid, yes? You wouldn't happen to have a pathological hatred for dishware, would you?"
"…Ah… I got over that a long time ago. Why do you ask?"
"Simply confirming the identity of the zombie who had your shadow," Robin smiled. "She was acting quite psychotic. I imagine you must have been in quite a state back then. I'm glad to hear you've regained some measure of sanity."
"Uh… thank you?"
"Among the first we actually took down, in fact!" I confirmed. "If it's any consolation, either your shadow or what little remained of Cindry's spirit was fighting tooth and nail!"
"Oh, thank you… But concerning Cindry… y-you said her serial number was 400, right? And… and that bastard Hogback, he said… that he'd made even more than that, right?"
"Uh… yes?" Usopp answered.
Margarita's eyes hardened like steel. "…Nobody, not a Marine, not a Revolutionary, not even other pirates deserve the kind of purgatory that I've been forced to endure for the last decade. Straw Hats… please, free them all. Lift Moria's curse. End the evil that is Thriller Bark, once and for all!"
"Mark my words, Margarita: by daybreak, Thriller Bark won't even exist anymore," I stated menacingly, my blood thundering through my veins.
She smiled, tears coming down her face. "Thank you… for everything. KA-LICK!"
"Well, I think that about covers it," I said, preparing to stow my transceiver away again. "If any of you other shadowless would like to add anything more, I'll be broadcasting again for the Straw Hats' traditional victory party in a few hours. Until then, however, we'll be going anonymous. Can't have the Marines ambushing us and all that! But for now… light a candle, pull up a mirror, and wait with bated breath. Because at last, your long night has come to an end!"
And with that triumphant note, I hung up the transceiver and returned it to hanging at my side. I then turned towards Hogback, who was staring at me in horror.
"I know that look," I said with a smirk. "I've seen that look more times than I can count, that's how the hell could you possibly know about that' look. Yeah… after all that, I imagine you would be wondering how we found out about all of this in the first place, huh? Well, it's simple."
I leaned in and put my grin right in Hogback's terrified face. "Did you honestly think?" I whispered. "That the Humming Swordsman returning at this exact point in time, at just the worst possible moment… is a coincidence?"
What little blood Hogback had left evacuated his face. "You… can't be serious…" he choked out.
I couldn't help but chuckle grimly as I stood up and loomed over him. "You took our new musician's shadow, Hogback," I intoned darkly. "You stole everything from him, and he didn't have much left to begin with. And now… we're going to take every little last thing from you."
Yeah, that little revelation was finally too much for Hogback; with a final gargle of horror, he passed out, foam fountaining from his slack maw.
I leaned back in surprise before shooting a bemused look at Robin. "I'm getting better at this, huh?"
"At this point, Cross?" Robin dryly replied. "I wouldn't be surprised if Dragon himself dreaded getting on your bad side."
"…taking that as a compliment!" I said cheerily.
"It was meant as one," she smiled back.
"Ahem?" Lassoo chuffed in an effort to get attention. "If you're done having fun…?"
"Ah, right, right!" I nodded as I got back on track before glancing over at Soundbite. "Alright, let's rumble. Team 4, do you read me?"
"Team 4, 'Smokescreen', in position," came a female voice. "Speaking is Lola, second in command of the Thriller Bark Victim's Association, all of whom are armed and ready for combat. We are awaiting your order, Jeremiah Cross."
"Proceed to Phase 3, and commence Operation 'Nightmare Luffy.'" I turned a demonic grin towards the wall at the front of the mansion. I could practically see them now…
-o-
A veritable army decked out in pitchforks, swords, and torches.
A cyborg with a giant pair of nunchucks made from a pair of trees that were currently burning to charcoal.
A three-headed, six-armed demon with nine swords, wreathed in blue fire.
A shell-clad dugong, spinning a nigh-flaming weapon and swimming in the air through a cloud of smoke he was spewing.
And in the center of them all? A giant, muscular, blue-skinned behemoth, clad in a hockey mask, riding an elephant with a sword for its trunk, with one hand holding an oversized sword and the other holding a pipe that had a mechanized blade strapped to the end. With said blade being on fire.
Such was the sight that met the undead army of Thriller Bark when they emerged before the island's main gate, and such was the sight that sent them all running, in absolute, bowel-dropping terror to get as many reinforcements as inhumanly possible.
-o-
"PFFHAHAHAHA!" I cackled ecstatically, bending over in my mirth. "Ohhh, God, that's hilarious! They'd better damn well get pictures of Franken-Luffy before he lets the shadows out, or I swear I'm going to rip their faces off! PFFHAHAHA!"
"I will admit, Cross," Robin chuckled in amusement. "This aspect of your plan, while simplistic, is quite ingenious. With our friends garnering the entirety of the zombies' attention, bar very few, we're left free to roam about the manor as we please."
"But, ah…" Usopp glanced around the corpse-filled room uncertainly. "Why would we want to do that exactly? You, ah… never really said."
"Usopp's right," Conis nodded in agreement. "Shouldn't we head for the front gate immediately, so that we can help our friends fight?"
I promptly sobered up and adopted a scowl. "Because we're in here for a far more pressing matter. Chopper, you're on your way to Hogback's lab, right?"
"I just helped Raphey finish exorcising Perona's bear, so yes. I expect you'll be taking Hogback there so that I can… deal with him?"
"Soundbite?" I asked my snail. "You find what I asked you to?"
"Yeah, I did…" Soundbite winced fearfully. "WISH I HADN'T, THOUGH… but the lab's in a tower, and that thing ain't. HELL OF DETOUR."
"Hrmph…" I rubbed my chin thoughtfully for a second before snapping my fingers in realization. "What about the base of the tower?"
"Huh?" Soundbite blinked in surprise before grinning sheepishly. "AH… YEAH, I'D SAY THAT THAT SHOULD WORK."
"Great," I said, nodding before looking at our friends. "Guys, get Hogback on his feet and let's get moving. Chopper, we'll meet you at the base of his tower so that we can drop him off."
"And… after that?" Usopp asked uncertainly.
I grinned as I strode to the doors of the room and slowly pushed them open. "We're going to go and terminate the final possible threat remaining on this accursed island once and for all. We're going to go and pay our respects… to Number 900 himself"