Editor's note. This shit was originally posted between Thriller Bark 4 and 5, but it completely destroys the story's pace, so I'm not fucking doing that. :)
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Cross-Brain AN: The following tale takes place after the Ice Hunter arc but before Thriller Bark.
I'll always remember this particular day. No matter how crazy things got, how close we came to dying, how much I got hurt, how much my actions affected things… quite simply, nothing this half of the Red Line could be more memorable than this day.
As per usual with the most extraordinary of our adventures, the day started unusually, but not too remarkably: I woke up earlier than I normally did, early enough that only the earliest of early birds were awake. Even Soundbite was still asleep. I had taken the opportunity to slip down to the kitchen and fix myself a hot cup of cocoa, and then moved to the roof of my radio room to watch the sunrise.
Everything seemed to be perfectly calm, and one of the better mornings I'd had so far. A comfortable perch on the roof, a nice mug of cocoa, a perfect, beautiful view of the sun rising on the morning mists, painting it every colour of the—!
PFFFFT!
"FRACK!" I howled in horror the moment I'd finished spewing my drink, dropping inside my room and running to my desk.
"Mmm, wha…?" Soundbite's eyestalks blearily poked out of his shell as I wrenched the master-board open. "Wha's goin—?!" He choked off as I wrenched my transceiver out of its slot and triggered every pipe on the ship. "SONNUVA—!"
BWAAAAAAAAAH!
Whatever my snail was about to say, it was cut off by my blaring my foghorn throughout every square inch of the Thousand Sunny - which, going by the sudden roaring of Sunny's framework, not even he appreciated.
Soundbite remained in post-flinch tension a few seconds longer before cracking his eye open and letting his eyestalks sag in relief. "Oooooh, thank God it worked. It's official: I LOVE MY AWAKENED ABILITIES!"
"WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN!" the crew roared right back.
"Did I miss the memo? Is it my birthday?" came Usopp's grouchy voice. "Because if it is, I don't find this very damn funny!"
"Ooooh, I don't know," Merry snarled. "Personally, I think I'm gonna be howling with laughter once I start bouncing our third mate's head OFF THE—!"
"CRAM IT, THE FUCKING LOT OF YOU! WE'VE GOT BIGGER FUCKING PROBLEMS THAN YOUR FUCKING BEAUTY SLEEP!"
A stunned silence fell over the ship, which I filled with my desperate panting and wheezing.
"Cross, what's wrong?" Nami asked, both concern and urgency tinging her voice.
Pulling my thoughts together, I swallowed my panic and mustered up what little wits I had left. "Bogey off the port bow," I grit out.
"Alright, let's see what's… eh?" Boss' voice trailed off into confusion. "The heck? Cross, what's wrong with a little morning mist? Heck, I'd say the colours are beautiful… aheh, ya know, in a manly way."
"Wait… oh, God, y-you don't mean… the Rainbow Mist?!" Vivi choked in horror, suddenly sounding very awake.
"The one and only," I confirmed, "And for those of you who don't know it, lemme give the cliff's notes: what's coming down on us is an eldritch temporal clusterfuck, and if we sail into that thing we're liable to wind up on the wrong side of either the last century or the next one. In short…" I drew a deep breath before bellowing at the top of my lungs, "ALL HANDS ON DECK! NOW, DAMN IT, NOW!"
When the sounds of rapid movement came across the connection, I knew that I didn't need to say more. Stashing the transceiver in its bag and putting it and Soundbite over and on my shoulders respectively, I left my room and rode down to the deck, where everyone was rushing into place, Merry even going so far as to hitch a ride on Carue to get to the helm as fast as possible, and Nami looking at the sky and muttering to herself. As the last of our crew filed onto the deck, Nami's… surprisingly calm shout rang out.
"There's an island off the port bow, Merry. Turn the ship ninety degrees south and head for land."
"Aye-aye, turning the ship ninety degrees south and heading for land! Aiming for the cove in the shoreline!" Merry parroted, and Sunny rumbled in agreement as he shifted about. Nami took the opportunity to give me a flat look.
"Cross, were you really in too much of a panic to see that there was an island right there? You could have handled steering Sunny yourself, couldn't you?"
I winced a bit at the reprimand, but I was just as quick to bounce back with a scowl and a jab of my thumb towards the encroaching fog, which I didn't even have to look at to know what it was doing. "Yes, but I'm not sure I could have handled being chased."
"What!?" Nami barked, darting over to the railing and leaning over the edge.
I followed her at a more sedate pace and grimaced as I watched the Mist hang on tight to our ship's tail. "I'm not just worried about this thing because of the time-space fuckery it's got going on, Nami," I solemnly informed her. "I'm worried because I'm almost convinced that that thing is alive, on some level. This isn't a Paradise menace; this is something that's clawed its way clean across the Red Line."
Nami swallowed fearfully, casting a doubtful glance at the sandbanks of the island's cove as we sailed past them. "B-But… if that thing's alive and chasing us, then how the hell are we supposed to escape it!?"
I grinned as Merry drew in Sunny's sails. "By taking advantage of one of the few ironclad rules of the Grand Line. What happens at sea…"
My grin widened as the Rainbow Mist drifted to a lazy halt at the cove's borderline, curling and swirling maddeningly but advancing no further.
"Stays at sea," I nodded in confirmation. "The Rainbow Mist is a purely maritime menace that preys upon vessels at large, and it can even come into port, but it does not make landfall." I shot a victorious smirk at Nami. "Good thing the crew had enough forewarning to get us to safety in time, huh?"
"RESPECT!" Soundbite barked.
Nami sighed in defeat, casting a wary glance at the hostile case of crypto-meteorology that was lurking behind us. "Fine, your excuse of it being an emergency stands for using that stupid horn to wake us all up. So!" She clapped her hands together, drawing attention from the whole crew to me. "Any idea how long we'll have to wait here before that damn stuff shoves off?"
"Yeah!" Mikey piped up in agreement. "We had a Sea King hunt planned for noon!"
"I wanna bust some scale-skulls!" Raphey nodded alongside him.
"Eh…" I frowned as I tried to recall an arc I hadn't been a big fan of in the first place. "From what I remember… well, as I said: on some level, the Mist is alive. Chances are it'll only shove off when it's good and ready to. One time it was only in an island's port for about an hour, but… anywhere from an hour to a day."
"Aww!" Luffy groaned, leaning his head back. "C'mooon! That fog stuff's pretty and all, but I wanna get back to sailing! Can't we just go through it? What's the big deal?"
"You did hear the words 'eldritch temporal clusterfuck', right!?" Usopp demanded incredulously.
"Er… well, besides the fact that I doubt Luffy knows what those first two words mean—" Conis interjected.
"I don't!" Luffy cheerfully confirmed.
"—I'm a bit curious myself about what the danger is," our gunner continued with a helpless shrug. "I mean… getting lost in time? How does that work?"
"I'm not clear on the mechanics of that place myself," Robin answered, her head bowed and her chin in her hand. "But I do know some of the lore of the Mist, thanks to the existence of a series of books concerning it. According to the books, the Rainbow Mist is meant to act as a gateway of some sort, transporting to a mythical 'Land of the Gods' known only as Ape's Concert."
"'Land of the Gods," Su repeated in equal parts eagerness and fear.
"'Land of the Gods'!" Merry giggled ecstatically, all but vibrating in place.
"'Land of the Gods'?" Franky asked doubtfully.
"Land of the Goooods!" Luffy squeed, a massive grin stretching across his face.
"'Davy Jones' Locker', more like," I snorted grimly. "Don't get your hopes up, people: Ape's Concert is nothing more than a dimensionally lost roach motel of a ship's graveyard. That place is a complete and utter—!"
"GOLD MINE!"
"Sonnuvabitch!"/"GAH!" Soundbite and I both yelped when Nami suddenly squealed at ear-shattering levels and sprouted a very luminous pair of beri-eyes.
"Countless derelict ships from all across time, gathered in one spot, with their cargoes intact!" Nami cackled ecstatically, a not-insubstantial line of drool escaping the corner of her lip as she gazed upon the Mist. "Sooooo much gold! Jewels! Pure treasure! I-I-It must be in the millions! The hundreds of millions! The billi—"
"Snap out of it!"
SLAP! "YEOW!" Nami flinched as her own palm slammed into her cheek before shooting a grateful look at our resident princess. "Thanks for that."
"Ooooh, don't thank me yet, because I'm not done saving us from your greed yet!" Vivi huffed, grasping our navigator's shoulders and staring her dead in the eyes. "Nami, I actually met the author of the Rainbow Mist books, and he told me about his experiences in that place! The reason why you don't hear more about the 'Land of the Gods' is that it's a trap! Anyone who enters the place becomes unable to leave it because the space itself keeps them from exiting! Time loses all meaning because people within the Mist neither age nor grow hungry! The timeless years drive people mad, and they either escape through sheer luck like the author or they kill themselves! Trust me, Nami, when I say that there is no reliable way to emerge from Ape's Concert in one piece!"
I bit the inside of my cheek at that. My reaction was on account of the image of a certain tower all but harpooning the Mist coming to mind, but there was no way in hell I was gonna tell—!
"Cross just flinched," Su blithely stated as she examined her paw.
"YOU FURRY LITTLE BI—!" I tried to jump at the fleabag so that I could wring her neck…
"Cross."
"—GAH!"
Buuuut that dream was put on hold when my leg was snatched out of midair and our resident witch used an iron cloud hand to plant me in front of her, a neutral expression on her face.
"Given how much treasure is at stake here, I'll make this easy for you: tell us what you know, and I'll stop compounding the interest on your debt."
"I—w-wait, what was that?" I choked as I processed what she had said.
"I'm not going to decrease it, but I'll stop increasing it from now on if you tell us how we can get in, get the treasure, and get out safely," she repeated.
The crew all looked surprised to varying degrees, but I hardly noticed as I considered it. If there was a cap on the debt, then I actually had a chance of paying it off before I started to sport liver spots. Still… was that worth the risk of whatever could be waiting for us in that fog?
"Just for the record, here's where you currently stand," Nami added, handing me a piece of paper. I took one look at the bottom line before crushing the page in my hands.
"RIGHT! LET'S RAID US A TEMPORAL HELLMOUTH!" I barked, spinning to look at Merry. "We need an anchor to the outside to get back. In the story, a villain used a huge tower to bridge our world with Ape's Concert. But seeing how close the Mist is to the shore, we can probably pull it off with Sunny's anchor chain."
"Wonderful!" Nami said sweetly, turning towards the fox. "Su, you'll get a full percent of whatever we find in there."
"Yes!" Su pumped her paw triumphantly.
"I should've known you didn't do that out of the goodness of your heart," Conis sighed.
"Yeah… you want half of my cut?"
"As I was saying, I love you very much, my darling Su!" Conis squealed as she swept her pet up in a hug.
"Hang on just a second," I piped up.
"Cross, the deal is off if you talk us out of this," Nami warned.
"That depends entirely on how much you're willing to risk, Nami," I said seriously. "Even if we have a way out, the place is still more warped than Kizaru's sense of justice! If we're not careful, we could wind up having brunch with our great-grand-descendants! And yes, I know that none of us have kids, that's the degree to which this place is whacked out of its non-existent mind!"
There was a pause.
"WORTH IT!"
I was not surprised in the least when Nami confirmed our choice. Well, if things still went crazy, they couldn't say I didn't warn them.
And so, with that final decision having been made, we started to ready ourselves to delve into the spatiotemporal abyss that was the Rainbow Mist. I could only hope that things wouldn't get too—!
…aaaaah shit. That's it, I'm doing that seminar on tempting fate, come hell, high water, or every Sea King in the Calm Belt! If only so I don't keep getting mixed up in these situations!
-o-
Mist rose around me in every direction, thick as cotton balls. It made keeping my footing difficult; the wood was wet and slippery. Sounds were muted when there were any to be heard at all. The impaired visibility didn't help things either. Claws dug into my shoulders; Ruatha was not pleased that I kept skidding and sliding across the wrecks. I flicked him on the snout.
"You could always get down and walk by yourself, you know."
"Roh." The claws loosened, although they were replaced by a tail tightening around my arm. I sighed. The dragonet seemed determined to inflict bodily injury upon me; it had ever since we'd come to this eerie place.
"Or better yet, you could've stayed on the ship. I don't need your help for this; Ghin would've been more useful, or even Johnny or Yosaku. I mean, what can you do if I fall in? Whine at me?"
"Vii!" My questions were answered by a wing-slap to the face and a pair of sad blue eyes. I spat out a mouthful of scales- Ruatha must be moulting or something, because he'd been shedding worse than a longhaired cat heading into summer lately.
Actually, in hindsight, a Devil Fruit user going out alone into what seemed like a mess of shipwrecks was probably a bad idea. But the mist had risen up so quickly, too thick for Nami to find a way through the oceanic graveyard… We needed boots on the ground. Or water, as it were. So half the crew had split up and was wandering around in search of a path through the derelict hulks, while the other half stayed with Merry. We'd rolled my dice to see who was in which group; this resulted in possibly the worst available combination, as Luffy, Zoro, and I were all on the away team. But Luffy took off before Nami could demand that we reroll, or even that the explorers be in pairs, which meant that Zoro was now lost and we had two fruit users with no one to rescue us if we fell.
Not that I was going to fall in, bad footing or no.
With Ruatha now pouting and silent, the sound of my footsteps was the only thing to be heard, the hollow thudding of sneakers on wood. And even that was muffled. There was something… off about these mists; the deadened sound was only part of it. Then my hand met my forehead as I remembered- eerie mist, a collection of shipwrecks… Ape's Concert. Tabarnak. Great, just great. Not only did we have to find a physical path through the wrecks, but we also had to figure out how to get back to our own time as well. How were we supposed to do that without a DeLorean?
Plus, weren't we supposed to encounter the Mists after Alabasta, if at all? I groaned and turned my middle finger in the direction of the Fourth Wall. Damn writers and their meddl-!
More footsteps, not mine- I wasn't alone. Heavy and metallic, like someone wearing armour. And they were moving fast. What at first looked like yet another broken figurehead approached through the mist, resolving itself into a young man in dark clothes, much taller than me. I caught a glimpse of blond hair as he raced past. Blinking slowly, I followed him with my gaze until he disappeared into an open door on one of the other wrecks. Huh. Wonder where he was going in such a hurry.
Well, to each his own. I shrugged and got back to figuring out where I was and how to get back to the Merry. Or at least, I tried. Not thirty seconds after Blondie scrambled out of sight, there was a tremendous crashing, splintering noise from the same direction he'd come from. It was followed by a great sucking splash. A shadow fell over the wreck I was standing on.
A wall of silver-blue scales rose above me, a massive body tipped in an angular head. Teeth the size of swords dripped salt water as dark eyes scanned the shipwrecks. Barracuda sea king. Merde. My stomach decided to vacate my body via my knees- right at the same moment the sea king saw me. And decided to go all Finding Nemo prologue on my ass.
"Osti d'épais de marde!" I jumped out of the way as that huge head crashed down where I'd been standing. Getting far enough away used most of the charge I had left from sparring with Ghin last night- not that I could hope to fight something like this alone, regardless. Okay, maybe Blondie had the right idea.
"Hold on, Ruatha! We're using the Sir Robin maneuver."
"Scra?"
As much as I hated running from a fight, it was the only thing to do. This wasn't a real fight anyway; I was prey, not a combatant. I spun on the ball of my foot and took off in the same direction as Blondie had gone. Hopefully, there would be somewhere over there to hide, or a cannon or something. And until I found something like that, discretion was—in this case—the better part of valour.
I didn't expect to see Blondie again; with his longer legs and head start, he should've been well ahead of me, even in the unlikely event that I did end up going in the exact same direction. So you can imagine my surprise when I found him paused on the deck of half a barge. And he must've heard me coming, since he was facing me when I skidded to a stop.
"Nice weather we're having, ain't it? Neverending fog, just gotta love it."
I stared at Blondie, trying to figure out if he was serious. And my crewmates thought I was insane. At least I acknowledged the presence of danger, even if I did end up thumbing my nose at it and jumping in anyway most of the time. "Um… Hello? Earth to tall person? Is the thin air up there shorting out your brain? What in the Nine Hells is a bloody barracuda sea king doing in this part of the Grand Line?"
Blondie's expression mirrored Luffy's 'Are you an idiot?' look with astounding precision. "Hello right back, this is the Grand Line, lady. You know, the stretch of ocean sandwiched between their breeding grounds and packed to the gills with their favourite snack? You can skip a stone and nine times out of ten you'll hit one of them!"
"The tenth just means you missed them!" the snail on his shoulder cackled.
Wait… his snail was… talking? Well, yes, it was a Den-Den Mushi, and they were supposed to talk, but that weird voice mashup sure didn't sound like any call I'd ever heard. I stared at the mollusk. Well, there was only one logical explanation for that. I almost winced at the realization that I now automatically put those supreme avatars of BS in the category of logical explanation. Almost. "…I'm guessing the inverte ate a Devil Fruit?"
Both snail and Blondie rolled their eyes. "Finally! Somebody gets it!" Was it just me, or was Blondie somehow expressing both relief and exasperation at the same time?
Well, that aside… "Alright, back to the original question, and let me rephrase it. What's a Sea King doing in this part of the Grand Line chasing you?!"
Blondie pointed at his snail, which tilted its eyestalks in his direction. "It's his fault!" They then glared at one another. "My fault!? Are you nuts?!"
"YOU JUMPED ON ITS HEAD!"
"That was an honest mistake, I thought it was a rock! You're the shitstain that chose to comment on its body odour when it glared at us!"
"It's a fish, it smells fishy! THAT'S JUST A FACT!"
"But you don't say that to its face!"
"WHAT THE HELL'S WITH the double-standard here!? I've taunted these bastards A THOUSAND TIMES IN THE PAST, and you've never complained before!"
"Those times we were near someone who could kill it dead in a single hit, or at the least, we had our partners nearby, you slimy bastard! Learn some timing!"
"THIS FROM YOU!? THAT'S FUCKING RICH, ASSHOLE!"
This bickering… And a talking snail… This seemed familiar. But I could worry about that later. I used the absolute last of the force I had charged up in a stomp that shook the floor. "Guys, focus! Giant man-eating fish monster trying to eat us; blame later, solution now."
Great, now the tall guy and the snail were looking at me like I was an idiot. "Excuse you, this is a coping mechanism!"
"Yeah! Snark takes the edge off THE IMPENDING DOOM! Helps us function better under pressure!"
"Observe!" Blondie beamed victoriously as he pointed to the side at a… derelict Marine galleon!? "White-hat warship at 3 o'clock! Those things were built to last, so it's a better footing than these wrecks! See, progress!"
"NOW STOP DISTRACTING US AND FREAKING RUN FASTER!"
Normally, I wouldn't have taken orders from a snail, but this one had a point. And a galleon… Very stable and relatively lightly armed, usually with demi-culverins and demi-cannon. I doubted an eight-pound demi-culverin shot would do much to the monster following us, but a demi-cannon shot, thirty-two pounds; that should do the trick. I scrambled after Blondie and his mouthy passenger. Ruatha's claws dug into my shoulders as I vaulted and climbed. Still…
A tilted mast from another ship made a decent way up, though the angle made it more of a ladder than a bridge. It still beat trying to clamber up the side of the ship by hand with our hanger-on chasing after us, though. Plus, it even gave us access to an open port in the galleon's gun deck, so not only did we not have to waste time finding our way through the ship's corridors, but I could also spin on my heel and pin Blondie and his pet with a glare.
"Forgive me for being a little concerned, Monsieur Escargot!" I growled. "From my perspective, being lost in a place like this with a sea king on my ass is a pretty serious problem. So my being unhappy that the only other people I can find are joking about the impending doom is quite understandable!"
Blondie gave me a way too bemused look as he dropped in alongside me before smirking condescendingly. "Your rookieness on the Grand Line is showing quite clearly."
"And look at all the fucks I give." I made a zero with one hand as I swung my head around and searched for gunpowder and ammo. "My crew may be rookies, but we can handle ourselves well enough. Better than that, even: Captain's gonna be king of the pirates someday. Now… We're gonna need eighteen pounds of black powder for every shot. I hope it's still dry enough to use."
The galleon shook; the sea king was ramming it. Every time I passed a portal or gun port, all I could see was silver-blue scales. It didn't take long to find ammunition, at least, even if black powder was still in short supply. I suppose if worst came to worst, I could ask Blondie to beat me up and then use the force to smash the Sea King's face. That might work. Might. I had little confidence in the idea.
"Right. If we don't find any black powder soon, I need you to—!"
After I said that, things got a bit weird because we both spoke at the same time.
"Punch me in the face. The harder, the better."/"Quick, punch my palm, and fast!"
"…eh? Your face? What are you—? Bah, not questioning it, I'm sure you have your reasons, but look, rookie, this is no ordinary gauntlet: I've got a special shell in it known as—!"
"An Impact Dial? Yeah, I know what those do; I basically am an Impact Dial. Among other things." Yep, Blondie was definitely familiar. Where had I heard about a guy with a snail partner and an Impact Dial in his gauntlet? Eh, worry about that later.
There were a few barrels of powder wedged in a corner behind one of the demi-culverins. I yanked one open, but it was wet; practically mud, in fact. Stupid mistake… How long had this stuff been here? Opening the other barrels yielded similar results. Merde…
I stared up at Blondie, trying to get a sense of him as a fighter. Tall, kinda skinny… Not a STR build. Probably INT/CHA from the way he acted. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a bard. Still, shouldn't judge based on appearances alone. Luffy was even smaller, after all. "So… It comes down to a question of who can punch harder. What kinda training you got?"
Blondie gave me another flat look—which I was really starting to want to slap off his face—before holding his palm up. "Would I be using this thing if I could hit harder than it could? Hurry the hell up and hit me!"
"COME ON AND SLAM!" His snail crowed, before flinching fearfully as the ship was suddenly rammed head-on by our pursuer. "BEFORE WE ALL GET JAMMED!"
I rolled my eyes. "As you wish." Deep breath. Ten punches, hard and fast; kiai on ten. "TAI!" Follow up with a snap kick, turn forty-five degrees for a round kick, then finish with a spinning back kick. I landed back in fighting stance.
"Think that'll be enough? Or should I keep going?" The ship rocked to punctuate my words. Teeth like swords ripped the cover off a nearby gunport.
Blondie shot a fearful glance at the teeth, waved his arm out, and nodded firmly. "Compounded with what I'd taken the time to accumulate since the last time I discharged, I'd say so. Though, ah…" I did not like the way cold sweat began to bead on the jackass's brow. "I just realized a flaw with this plan that would have come up no matter who had the energy."
"Flaw…?" How could there be a flaw in the plan- punch each other, smash things in the face, very straightforward. "What kind of flaw? All you need to do is blast that thing in its fugly mug!"
"Yeeeaaah…" Blondie nodded slowly.
WHAM!
Before flinching and scowling as we were rammed again. "And either you or I am supposed to get close enough to touch that ugly face without getting up close and personal with those fangs, how, exactly!?"
I felt the blood drain from my face. "That's… a very good point," I gurgled. "Suggestions before we both get up close and personal with Uncle Davy instead?"
"Uh…" Blondie's eyes scanned over the room desperately, uncertainty obvious as he came up with nothing, nothing, nothi—oh, now that wasn't a look you got when you had nothing.
KEE-RACK!
To reiterate, I seriously hope he didn't have anything!
"What?" I demanded. "Whatever the hell idea you just got, I don't care how dumb it is! What are you thinking?"
Blondie spared me a hesitant glance before nodding with determination and darting across the deck, where he started clawing at the top of an overturned crate. "I'm gonna answer your question with two of my own," he grunted. "Are you familiar with Garp the Hero…"
CLUNK!
He grinned viciously as the crate's lid came off, and a slew of cannonballs rolled across the wood. "And do you know," he intoned menacingly. "Exactly which law of physics relates to the transfer of energy?"
It took me a second to connect the dots, but once they did? I really couldn't help but drop my jaw because holy hell, that was smart. "Newton's Second and you're a genius."
"Don't sound so surprised!" Blondie barked with laughter.
"Sorry. Not used to anyone else around here having high school science." Note to self, bash head on something for being an idiot. Later.
"Heh, tell me about it," Blondie started to chuckle.
KRAAAACK!
Before flinching as our footing shuddered from a titanic impact. "On second thought, tell me later! For now," He hefted a cannonball off the ground and tossed it to me. "Enough chatting."
"LET'S GET SLAMMING!" his snail cackled.
I nodded as I caught the sphere of metal in my hand. "Agreed." I held the cannonball out and away from my shoulder, like an Italian waiter with a pizza tray. "Assume the position."
"Anything for the lovely lady," the smile-happy pirate smirked in agreement, positioning himself next to me, his palm outstretched and hovering next to the munitions. "Now, for maximum impact, the best place to hit would be the innards…"
"Don't fire until you smell the reek of its breath!"
I froze up as I processed both parts of that. "Two things: first, call me a lady again and I'm kicking you in the face, danger or no danger," I glared at him frigidly, before turning a hesitant gaze towards our attacker. "And second, a big problem with that plan is that—!"
WHAM!
I flinched as the wall of white cracked clean through the actual wooden wall. "That thing is the one Sea King in the world that's not actually opening its mouth to attack! Got one more bright idea?"
"Uhhh…?" That did not fill me with confidence, but before I could actually start to worry?
"HEY, BIG GROSS AND SLIMY!"
For once, I was semi-relieved by my comrade-in-struggle's shoulder-bound parasite opening its mouth, seeing as it somehow made our assailant pause in the middle of winding up for its next run.
"Your mama was a barnacle, AND YOUR PAPA WAS A HALF-ROTTED TROUT!"
This really was a day of firsts, because it was also the first time in my life I was grateful for a Sea King's veins suddenly pulsing with outrage. Although… Did Sea Kings feel rage the same way mammals did? Too bad trying to find out would get me killed. How would you find out, anyway? Was there such a thing as Sea King therapy? I'd have to ask one of the mermaids when I met them, or, well, one mermaid in particular—
"HRRAAAAAAAAAH!"
—gotta learn to prioritize better.
Well, Sea Kings seemed to understand English, at any rate. Enormous jaws split open, drool running down each sword-length fang. Cable-like tendons tensed all over the aquatic titan's body as it prepared to leap—!
"IMPACT, YOU SLIMY SON OF A—!"
BLAM!
—only it never actually got the chance to leap, on account of my back-up ramming his palm into the cannonball and essentially slapping it down the Sea King's gut…
KA-BLAM!
It detonated in a plume of fire and smoke. The Sea King's head snapped back; it let out a roar of surprise. Eyes the size of rowboats spun. Silver scales shining, the great beast twisted around and circled out, preparing for another ramming run. A tiny trickle of blood dripped from the corner of its mouth.
Tabarnak. If it came at us again, there was no time for either of us to charge up more force. What could we—? Time to roll an intimidate check. I snatched up another cannonball and started tossing it from hand to hand, a mad grin lighting up my face. "Sesehihihihihi! Foolish Sea King! Are you truly willing to risk our wrath a second time? You shall pay dearly for your transgressions!"
"Indeed!" Going by Blondie's ear-to-ear grin and the way he was holding his palm out towards the not-so-wee beastie, he'd gotten the gist of my idea and was playing along to the hilt. "We have dozens of cannonballs here with us, each ready to give you another world-class case of heartburn-from-hell. So, unless you wanna learn what it's like to get fried from the inside out, I suggest that you turn your fishy tail around and swim away right damn now."
The great beast paused, uncertain.
"Basically?" the Transponder Snail bared his teeth in the most menacing expression I'd ever seen a snail make - and then the air rumbled. "RUN."
That proved to be too much for the Sea King. It turned tail and fled, battered ships rocking in its wake. The turning of said tail also happened to whip up some lovely spray that got me full in the face. I dropped the cannonball and took off my glasses to wipe them clean, sagging back against a wall as I did so. Man, could that Sea King move fast.
There was a tense moment of silence as we waited to make sure the damn kaiju was actually gone. And then…
"Just to confirm, we were both totally speaking out of our asses, yes?" Blondie breathed nervously.
"Straight from the large intestine," I agreed.
"Ah, right. Juuust checking. 'Cause honestly?"
A thud sounded beside me. When I put my glasses back on, Blondie and his snail were on the floor. While the mollusk was—for once—silent, Blondie himself seemed to be shaking with some sort of nervous laughter. Or at least, I thought it was laughter. He ran a hand through his hair as he brought himself back under control.
"Pffffhahahahaha! Oh man, that was a close one! We would've been so screwed!"
"Yeah…" My voice went quiet as I checked to make sure Ruatha was alright. Of course, the little guy hadn't had to do anything but hold onto my shoulder, so he was having a blast. I don't know why I worried. Maybe because this was the third thing in the past week that had tried to eat us? Or maybe higher, if individual velociraptors counted rather than the pack…
Although… At least I'd been able to fight them. The Sea King left me jittery and frustrated. I had half a mind to ask Blondie to spar with me, but considering that scarecrow build of his, I doubted he'd accept. Needed to do something, though. As soon as I was sure Ruatha hadn't been injured, I stood up and started pacing. The dragonet rested his chin on my head and hummed a soothing rhythm.
Eye stalks followed me back and forth. "Barnacle-breath's gone, you know. Someone NEEDS TO CHILL OUT!"
"Forgive me for being a little on edge when that thing was just trying to eat us." Deep breaths; I needed to calm down. I imitated Blondie's earlier actions, taking my hat off to run a hand through my hair. It helped; I still wanted to fight something, but the desire was manageable now. Replacing my hat, I sighed. "Sorry about that. Being away from my crew in a place like this… It leaves me on edge. You know what I'm saying, eh?"
"Nnnnnope."
I shot a dry look at the bastard, who was now grinning unabashedly as he remained prone. "Come again?"
"You heard me," Blondie chuckled without remorse. "I'm confident in the fact that the vast majority of my crew can whoop major ass with three out of four limbs tied behind their backs, so I've got no reason to worry about them. And as for me, I'm a confident, combat-seasoned, badass-asskicking—!"
"BULL-SHIIIIT~!" the snail cut him off in a singsong voice.
"Blow it out of your nonexistent ass~!" Blondie sang right back, without even missing a beat. "Anyways, yeah, no, I'm good. This place is a bit freaky, but apart from that…"
I hummed. "Gonna side with the French food there—"
"Kiss my shell, Indiana, Nobody."
"—I've marked enough English papers to know bullshit when I hear it. And that sounded like prime bull moose shit. If you're a front-line fighter, I'm a Hufflepuff. And it's not that I'm worried about my crew, exactly. They can handle themselves. I just… Something about this place gives me the heebie-jeebies." Plus, I didn't like being alone in strange places at the best of times.
For some reason, Blondie stared at me in confusion for a moment before shrugging and jerking his way up into a sitting position, glancing to the side with a grimace as he scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, alright, I guess you've got a point on that last one. If it weren't for this damn fog, I'd have been able to call for help."
"BUT WITH THE MERRY HELL, this shit's pulling on my senses?" The snail stuck its tongue out in disgust. "No dice, sistah!"
"Damn. So there's no reception, eh?" I patted absentmindedly at the pocket where Samsung lived before fixing my companion's mouthy mollusk with a flat stare. Seriously, where had I heard about this guy before? Something about his Den-Den was really familiar. "And it's Jones, actually. Go ahead and laugh."
"MY PLEAS—GRK!" The snail's ear-to-ear grin was interrupted by his owner grabbing his tongue with what looked to be way too much practice.
My dragonet squawked, indignant at being forgotten. I reached up to scratch his mane. "Oh, yeah. This little ball of scales is my dragon, Ruatha. Although he's more of a baby than a fire-breathing terror."
Ruatha began preening and ruffling his scales proudly…
BZRRRRT!
"GAH!" Before a klaxon suddenly blared right behind me and caused me to jump in shock, and Ruatha to take a flying leap off my shoulder.
"HOOHOOHOOheeheehee!" the mucus-ridden menace cackled unabashedly, even as his owner rolled his eyes in bemusement. "DON'T TRY TO BOGGLE US, you overgrown lizard!"
"A bit harsh, but he does have a point," Blondie sighed with a 'what can you do' shrug. "This is the Grand Line. The lookout for one of our allies has one of you, too, and hers is bigger."
I grabbed my dragon as he went to leap up and maul Blondie- or the snail; I wasn't sure which was his first target. "Down, boy. And at the risk of one of my crewmates appearing out of nowhere and braining me- it isn't size that counts, it's what you do with it." Cue a reflexive flinch and nervous stare, just to make sure Nami wasn't nearby. "For example… Ruatha, if you really care that much- Spit!"
"Chee!" A glob of sticky dragon saliva shot at the snarky snail. Of course, as soon as I gave the command, it occurred to me that this could be a bad idea, but too late. The mollusk started it anyway.
Unfortunately, the effect was entirely nullified by the spineless stain cackling even harder. "I'm a snail, dipshit, I'M SLIMY 24/7! YOU MIGHT AS WELL HOCK SLOP AT A PIG!"
"In a way, he just did," Blondie muttered acridly before shaking his head and pasting an ear-to-ear grin on his face. "Aaaanyways… I dunno how the heck you haven't recognized me by my voice yet, but I might as well introduce myself anyways. 'Voice of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross, bane of the World Government."
He then reached up to his shoulder, plucked his snail off and held it out to me. "And this is my partner in crime, the other 'Voice of Anarchy' and bane of… pretty much anyone with common decency, Soundbite."
"AKA DA GOD A NOIZE!" the snail hollered, emphasizing his point with an air-rending guitar riff - after which he promptly adopted a grimace. "That was not SMART."
Error 404: Brain not found. My mind froze, processing everything that had seemed familiar over the last few minutes. With no one at the controls, my hand automatically reached out to pat the snail- because damn, he may have been a loud, annoying little ball of snark, but he was still above all else a little ball, which thereby made him adorable. And hey, Samsung liked pats, so slimy snail-ness was nothing new to me.
"Gah, nononono, wait, don't—!" Sorry, Cross, my brain doesn't have enough available RAM to understand words right now.
CHOMP!
"…put your fingers… near his mouth, dammit…" Cross groaned, dragging his hand down his face.
I was, however, capable of understanding the fact that a surprisingly sharp set of teeth was suddenly clamped onto my hand. Unfortunately, I didn't register what they were connected to in time, so before I knew what I was doing, I reflexively jerked my hand back to free it… aaaand sent the mouthy mollusk flying as a result. Well, with any luck, he'd stick on the ceiling… which had a hole in it… tabarnak.
"YOU STUPID LITTLE SLIMESTAIN!" Cross roared as he shot to his feet and started dancing back and forth below the hole, arms spread wide. Thankfully, when physics reasserted itself, and the invert that went up came back down, Cross was able to make a successful dive forward and nab him before he could hit the deck.
The so-called 'Voice of Anarchy' sighed in relief as he stood back up and replaced his snail before pinning his companion with a blistering glare. "Soundbite? One of these days, you're going to need to learn how to weigh the risks and benefits of biting someone a hundred times bigger and stronger than you. Especially when we're on footing patchier than Frankenstein's monster!"
"BITE ME," Soundbite rolled his eyes with a scoff, before leering as he tilted his eyes downwards. "Better yet…"
And with that, the snail hopped backwards as much as he could…
CHOMP!
"YEEEEEAAAAARGH!" And I was treated to the sight of Cross running in circles like his ass was on fire… which I imagine was what it felt like considering how hard Soundbite was gnawing on him.
And then everything snapped into place. I facepalmed so hard, I actually got a bit of a charge from it. "This Bites…" I whispered. Osti d'épais de marde…
"THAT'S MY FUCKING LINE!" Cross roared as he tugged at his partner's shell to no great effect.
"I know… Bloody fu- excuse me, one moment." I spun away from Cross in my as-usual-fruitless search for the Fourth Wall. Up went my middle finger, combined with a bras d'honneur, so as to properly express how I felt about this shenanigan. "A crossover? Really?"
Then… "Sesehihihihihihi! Gods above and below! A Crossover… Okay, this is a good one. That pun is worth a crap-tonne of shenanigans." I turned back to Cross and his snail, who'd both paused mid-run and mid-gnaw, respectively, so that they could look at me like- well, like I was crazy. Eh, I was used to that by now.
"So… Hypothetically speaking, if I told you that you were a character in a One Piece SI fanfic, and I was a character in a One Piece SI fanfic, and our writers were apparently getting together for multiverse-warping shenanigans, how would you react?"
Cross and Soundbite both blinked at me in confusion for a moment before Cross calmly yanked his partner from his ass, replaced him on his shoulder… and then turned his eyes skyward and spread his arms wide. "A crossover!? Are you out of your—!? Oh, who the hell am I kidding? You are… well, just know that this shit never works! If we weren't bombing before by dint of being a self-insert in One Piece, we're sure as shit hittin' rock bottom now, jackass!"
…Okay, Johnny and Yosaku were right. Seeing it from this side was freaky. Still, might as well snap him out of it. "Actually—!"
BANG!
Something whizzed through the air, cutting between Cross and me. The noise was followed immediately by the splintering thud of a bullet punching a hole through wood.
Cross summarized the situation best.
-o-
"SNIPER, GET DOWN!" I barked with all the tried and true practice of a gamer as I slammed my back into the nearest wall opposite the bullet hole, my heartbeat going through the roof as I processed what the fuck had just happened.
Not far away, Jones dove behind a cannon and hit the dirt. "Of all the—! Why does it have to be ranged?" She pulled a pistol from somewhere along her belt but made a face at it rather than actually doing anything.
"I don't suppose you're as good with that thing as your namesake?" I called over tentatively.
"Um…" I did not like the way she was glancing upwards. "Let's just put it this way- I am to guns as Zoro is to a GPS. My specialty is unarmed combat."
"Shoot thatta way, MAYBE WE'LL GET LUCKY!" Soundbite snorted as he jerked his eyestalks in the direction of the bullet hole.
"Oh, like you two are much better without your mutt!?"
Soundbite and I exchanged bemused looks and conceded the point with a shrug. "Fair 'nuff…" I mused, before sobering up as I inched towards the cannon's porthole. "Anyway, if you know who I am, you know my position, so if'n you don't mind, I'll be taking point here. The first point of order is to find just where we're being shot at from. Soundbite?"
"READY!" he nodded firmly.
"Alright, then…" I grit my teeth as I clenched and unclenched my fingers in preparation. "This is gonna suuuuck…" And without giving myself enough time to build up any doubt, I swung my arm up—
BANG! SKRANG!
"GAH, SON OF A BITCH!" And roared as I snapped my arm back and clutched my hand to my chest, which, besides ringing like a bell, was absolutely killing me. What calibre was that asshat using, 'fuck-you' millimetres!?
Jones shot me a sympathetic wince. "Need me to get another shot out of them?" she hissed.
"No need, twice was enough," Soundbite informed her darkly. "SHE'S—AND IT IS A SHE—about thirty, thirty-five feet that way… AND GOING BY HOW SHE'S ALMOST FIFTY FEET HIGH, I'D SAY SHE'S MADE A CROW'S NEST INTO A SNIPER'S NEST."
"Oh, did she?" A disturbing grin grew across Jones' face. "We'll see about that." So saying, the small blonde made to bolt out of the portal—
"BWAAAAAH!" "GAH, TABARNAK!"
Until I snapped my fingers and Soundbite forced her to stay in place with a point-blank blare.
"Owowowow…" she massaged her ears, wincing mightily, before glaring at me. "The hell was that for!?"
I responded with a decidedly flat glare. "Jones, clear this up for me: your Devil Fruit has something to do with kinetic energy, obviously, and yet you're hiding from our sniper, whose bullets are only lethal because of kinetic energy. So! Are you or are you not legitimately and confidently Luffy-levels of immune to firearms?"
I got an uncomfortable feeling of deja vu from the way she grinned and rammed her knuckles together. "No idea; never tried it before. But there's gotta be a first time for everything, and I'm still in the mood for a fight."
I took a brief moment to glance heavenwards in exasperation. Someone help me, now I know how my crewmates felt whenever I did something brain-dead. "So, you decided to test that little application of your abilities against a sharpshooter who has pinpoint, split-second accuracy and is aiming to kill?"
"Umm…" Jones' expression crumpled into a sheepish, somewhat ashen look. "Okay, admittedly not my best idea. You got one better?"
"Yeah," I grunted, turning myself around so that I was facing our enemy, even as I readied my other hand. "You get ready to run, while I get ready for round two." So saying, I jabbed my hand out, just like last time. But unlike last time, this go-around…
"GASTRO-FLASH!" "WHA-BAM!"
I flexed my palm and my partner, and I proceeded to blind our assailant's senses. Effectively, too, going by how another shot went off, but the actual impact wasn't anywhere near us.
"GET 'EM!" I roared, darting out from behind my cover and running towards the enemy.
Within a few steps, something small and purple shot past me. Huh. Shorty was pretty fast when she wanted to be. And she seemed to be pounding her fists together as she ran?
"Newton's Second!" CRACK! Wood splintered; there was an ominous creaking noise as the mast began to fall- towards me ohshitshitshit—!
I hastily skidded to a halt and flung my arms up before my face, just as the pillar of timber slammed down on the decks of several ships next to me.
Sadly, life wasn't so convenient as to deposit our shooter at my feet, but the crow's nest did land naught more than a half dozen meters away, so I made the snap decision to leap onto the mast and run along it to the nest. With any luck, our shooter would still be stunned from the—!
CLICK!
—fall sonnuvabitch! I froze on the edge of the crow's nest and snapped my hands up. I briefly considered trying to work out any details concerning our assailant that I could, but my attention was a wee bit distracted by the gun being pointed in my face!
Alright-alright-alright, I just needed to be smart about this, just needed to find an opening, just needed… to… why was the air starting to screech and howl like a pack of baboo—?
I leapt at the sniper the second they hunched over due to inner-ear-induced nausea and, with only a split second to choose, planted my boot in their face with extreme prejudice. The sound of their nose's cartilage snapping was uncomfortably welcome, as was the sound of the back of their skull smashing against the somewhat rotted wood of the ship.
After 'nudging' the sniper's downed form (read, delivering a hefty, ire-ridden kick to their ribs) to confirm that they were well and truly K.O., I proceeded to do what any sane person in my greaves would do.
"WOO!" I laughed, shooting my fists in the air.
Which, of course, was celebrated.
"Who's a badass?" I whooped as I pointed at Soundbite.
"WE DA BADASS!" Soundbite preened with a flourish.
"And don't you forget it! BOOYAH!" we whooped as we exchanged a high-five.
"Osti d'épais de marde!" Jones stomped up the mast towards me, rubbing her ears and scowling in a half-decent impression of an angry Zoro. "That was bloody loud. Is everyone still alive over—GYRHK?"
I blinked in confusion as something made her freeze and choke at the sight of the unconscious sniper, and I hastily stepped back as she darted past me to our assailant. Her hat shadowed her face as she crouched down for a better look. Then she spoke again, her voice low. "Um… Cross? I think we have a problem. Does this particular sharpshooter look familiar to you?"
"Jones, all I saw when I got to them was a gun." I crossed my arms flatly. "Why, do you recognize them?"
"Yes. And unless your memory sucks arse, you will too." She shot me a flat look before standing up and stepping off to the side.
I took one look… aaaaand promptly froze in the utmost of horror.
"…Soundbite?" I whispered numbly. "Can you connect to Robin?"
"Have you not been—waaaait, wait a second…" Soundbite cut his indignant rebuttal off partway through, a contemplative look coming over his face before he grinned triumphantly. "HA, GOT BRAIN! AND THROUGH HIM… What is it, Cross?" Smugness was swapped for smugness as Robin's voice cut in.
I swallowed heavily, glancing back and forth and rubbing my neck. "…say, Robin," I finally managed to get out. "Hypothetical question for you: say I suddenly came under sniper fire and I managed to KO the sniper before getting a good look at them." I glanced skyward miserably, begging for mercy in light of what I was about to say next. "Then say that said now-KO'd sniper was your mother."
I felt a bolt of utter terror shoot through me at how flat Soundbite's face became. "…my mother. My mother, who's been dead since I was a child, and whose absence I feel every day like a white-hot knife. That mother."
I tugged on my collar, trying to alleviate the suddenly stifling pressure in whatever way I could. "Let's… say she was present thanks to the fact that time is more twisted than a pretzel here?" I prayed to hell Robin hadn't pegged onto what I was talking about.
"Hypothetically, of course," Robin reiterated dryly.
Fuck. Well, in for a berry…
"Of course…" I whimpered weakly.
There was a pointed silence for a full minute before Robin finally deigned to speak, her voice staying perfectly level the entire time. "Well, in that case, hypothetically speaking, I would be hurt, outraged, and on top of twisting you into a Gordian Knot, I most likely wouldn't speak with you for a straight month."
I restrained a tortured moan as I dragged my clawed hands down my face. "…love these hypotheticals, keeps the brain active!" I said, my voice doing its best impression of Pica's.
"…Mister Jeremiah."
I was frozen for a bit before slapping my hand over my eyes in defeat. "Yes, Robin?" I groaned.
"Did you knock out my mother?"
"Well…" I cracked my fingers open and stared miserably at the woman I'd assaulted in pure self-defence.
More specifically… I watched blandly as Jones checked her condition; her pet chewed on her hairdo.
Or rather… on her mohawk.
"Not your mother."
-o-
"No, Ruatha, bad." I slapped my dragon on the muzzle when I caught him nibbling on Bellemere's hair. "Nami's mom is not for eating."
Oh, Rainbow Mists- if you weren't inspired by Star Trek: Generations, I'd eat my hat. Not far away, Cross was pacing and…
"Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God-oh-Goooooood I'm gonna diiiiiiiie!"
Was essentially all but pissing his tighty-whiteys with how bad he was flipping out, and going by the way the shell on his shoulder was shivering, his partner in noise wasn't far behind.
Unfortunately, warranted as his apparent terror was, it was equal parts distracting and confusing. Aside from a broken nose and being unconscious, Bellemere seemed to be fine. Although she'd probably have a… concussion. Ooooh… alright, let's end this.
I glanced up at the alt-Straw Hat and snapped my fingers. "Cross," I spoke up, trying to grab his attention.
Going by how he snapped his head around to stare at me with wide, twitching eyes, I'd succeeded.
I rolled my eyes in exasperation, but still I put on the best air of serenity I could. "I realize you're scared, Cross," I spoke, slowly and methodically. "But please be serious. Nami is not that bad."
Cross scowled at me accusingly. "You are lying," he shot back just as firmly.
"Come on, Cross!" I flung my arms wide in exasperation. "You're overreacting! What's the worst she could do to you?!"
Aaaaand there was the 'are you stupid/crazy' look again. "You're kidding, right?" he demanded incredulously.
"It's Nami," I reasserted firmly. Sure, she was a little too liberal with the staff-to-the-head thing sometimes, but not dangerous.
"Yeah, my Nami!" Cross emphasized frantically.
I raised a finger and opened my mouth to reply… aaaaaand then I thought about what he'd just said, and I slowly lowered my finger with a sympathetic wince as I got what he was getting at. "Oooooh… yeeeaaah, you're fucked." Note to self, keep my Nami far away from any and all rare Dials.
"Ooooooh…" Great, now the poor bastard actually sounded like a wounded animal. …ah fuck it, this was going to suck, but I couldn't just leave him to his fate. No matter how much said fate scared the shit out of me.
So saying—or thinking or… narrating, whichever—I tried to reach out and pat Cross on the shoulder to comfort him, but my hand fell halfway. Nope, couldn't do it. "Well, look on the bright side." I tried to make up for it by sounding as chipper as possible. "At least we're fucked together, right?"
That snapped him out of his panic in favour of pure confusion. Heck, even Soundbite poked his eyestalks out in surprise. "Come again?"
"Weeeell," I waved my hands in a so-so manner. "I did drop the mast she was hiding in, right? And, I mean," I gestured at Bellemere's face helplessly. "Just look at the poor woman! Her face is so beat up, it's impossible to tell if she got hit by one person or, say… two?"
Cross gaped at me as though I were an angel come down to earth. "I would very much like to hug you right now," he breathed reverentially, starting to step towards oh hell no.
"If you touch me, I will track down that Sea King, chop you up, and feed you to him as chum," I promised him in a solemn whisper.
"Fair 'nuff," Cross transitioned smoothly, stepping past me and walking around to Bellemere's head. "Alright, enough dilly-dallying. Come on, Soundbite's got a bead on the Sunny, and I'd rather follow the rotten-wood road while we have the chance."
I glanced down at Bellemere's ankles uncomfortably before shooting my counterpart a pleading look. "You… sure you can't do it on your own?"
Really starting to hate that 'idiot' look. "Me and what muscle tone?" he demanded.
I… really couldn't argue with that, could I? Tabarnak, this was going to suck. I crouched down and began the awkward process of getting Bellemere up onto my back. Ruatha was not happy about this, as it meant someone else had his place on my shoulder, but he could walk. "I don't have enough hands. Help me get her arms around my shoulders so I can get a decent grip on her legs without her falling over backwards."
"On it," Cross nodded, circling around behind me and heaving Bellemere's torso into position before loosely putting her arms around my neck. This was so much easier with conscious people who could hold on under their own power. At least the Marine wasn't that heavy.
"Alright, let's go," I grunted, starting to trudge forward as I tried to convince myself that I was carrying a sack of potatoes rather than something that would definitely trigger a panic attack.
Keeping pace with Cross as we made our way across the broken ships wasn't exactly the easiest feat to pull off. Stupid tall people and their stupid long legs and doubly stupid, uneven, unstable footing. Either way, between my… ahem, 'conservative' stature and my endeavouring to remain upright, I spent a lot of time looking at his back. His very stiff, tense back. Guess he was still worried about Nami's reaction, not that I could rightly blame him.
…screw it, his tenseness was making me tense. Coming to a decision, I jogged over for a moment to try to comfort him face-to-face, forcing a small smile into place. "Still freaking out about Nami, eh?"
"Absolutely not in the slightest," Cross ground out around the armoured thumb he was gnawing on.
"THANK GOD OUR SHOW is audio only," Soundbite deadpanned, though the fact that he was sweating like a pig didn't really give his words much weight.
"Tell me about it…" I mused for a moment before tilting my head to the side thoughtfully. "Eh, try not to worry, it only makes you suffer twice over. And… if it helps? Look on the bright side."
"We are hauling the concussed body of my volatile, lightning-slinging crewmate's mother," Cross deadpanned. "What possible bright side is there to this situation?"
I made my expression as flat as his. "You only have to deal with one of her as opposed to two at once."
"And just like that, I'm bouncing back!" Cross perked up instantly, his smile radiating hope and positivity.
-o-
Meanwhile, back on the Thousand Sunny, Merry, who was standing on the forecastle with Franky, was staring down a spyglass at something off the port quarter. Something that, in hindsight, they really should have seen coming.
"Y'know, I'm getting the distinct impression that Cross was absolutely correct when he said that this place is a temporal clusterfuck," she remarked, her voice pointedly calm.
One bright blue eyebrow arched over Franky's sunglasses. "What makes you say that, sis?" he queried.
Sliding her spyglass shut with a distinct 'snap!', Merry indicated in the direction she'd been looking, a very clear twitch in her jaw. "Because I am sailing right towards us, and there's someone very familiar on my forecastle."
Flicking his sunglasses up and out of the way, Franky followed her gaze towards the horizon, where a familiar sheep-headed caravel was slowly tacking towards them, an equally familiar shock of orange hair visible, standing right next to said sheep's head.
"Huh," Franky slowly blinked in surprise. "So you are."
-o-
Funny, I actually did feel better about that. And hey, even if she was and would ever be Nami, she was still my friend, and she had notably mellowed out quite a bit since Enies. Hell, who knows, I might just be able to fast-talk my way out of this yet!
… Alright, most likely I was just bullshitting myself, and we'd still both be crapping thunder for a few hours, but at least a man can dream!
Still, the feeling cleared away the last of the panic and let me think clearly again. The first thing I noticed was that Jones' shoulders were hunched up. And looking closely, she just seemed tense in general. No idea why, though; even if she was willing to stand alongside me against Nami, chances were I'd catch a load more flak than her. So why did she flinch just- aaaah, and considering the sheer level of pissed at my hug offer earlier…
"You sure you don't want me to try and carry her, Jones?" I offered. "Because you look, well…"
"LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO HOCK everything from the stomach down?"
"I was trying to be subtle, but…" I shrugged helplessly. "Soundbite can be a blunt ass, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's always wrong."
She winced uncomfortably, but set her jaw and didn't even pause in marching onwards. "It's fine… alright, that's a lie, but don't worry about it. I just… I don't like being touched. But I can handle this." Jones' expression of discomfort turned into- yeaaaaah, that was one of the fakest smiles I'd ever seen. Alright, change the conversation, change the conversation… that'll do it.
"So, 'Newton's Second', eh?" I queried with an inquisitive look. "Lemme guess… Dyna-Dyna Fruit?"
Now Jones visibly perked up, life re-entering her countenance. "Force-Force, actually, but yours is clever. Still, mine's more accurate because it's only physical energy I can deal with. See, I absorb, reflect, and manipulate force- although if I absorb too much, or too quickly, I tend to just sort of 'explode' without control. The force of impact is easiest, but I've started having some success with friction, too. I'd demonstrate, but…" She shrugged, jostling Bellemere lightly.
"Oooh, neat!" I grinned eagerly. "Now that is a brilliant and highly exploitable ability! What are your highest and lowest moments with it?"
"HIGHEST FOR ME WAS BLASTING Lucci's feather-rat with mah BASS CANNON!" Soundbite cackled… before grimacing to the side. "Lowest was when I let a prototype of Phony slap me UPSIDE MY SHELL."
It took a long moment of thought before Jones answered. "Hmmm… Lowest would be blowing myself backwards off a cliff while fighting Eric… the Scythe-bastard?" she clarified at my confused expression. "Back before I knew what my fruit did."
I couldn't help the cheeky grin that spread across my face. "You thought it was—!"
"Yeah, yeah, I thought it was Star Wars, get off my ass, I was desperate!" She waved me off with a scowl. "Anyways, highest… Probably blowing up a T. rex's head when it tried to eat me. Although I don't remember that one very well, you'd have to ask Vivi. I kind of lost consciousness right after."
"Nice!" I barked enthusiastically. "Escaping, surviving, killing and riding a T. rex are the coolest actions you can perform concerning those things! I only managed one, but you got two at once! Seriously impressive!"
"OH, OH, IDEA!" Soundbite waved his eyestalk eagerly before dropping his voice into a guttural growl. "Once, a T. rex bit Jones. And in a blood-filled, gore-soaked instant… it was dead."
"Sesehihihihihi!" Jones jerked forward as she giggled ecstatically. "D-Don't make me laugh! Nami really will kill us if I give Bellemere a second lump!"
"Chuck Norris jokes? Really?" I deadpanned as Soundbite and Jones revelled together. "Whatever…" I contemplated what else we could talk about that didn't involve a done-to-death (if admittedly epic) meme. "So… any good movies come out recently?"
"Eh, Disney and Dreamworks have done alright, but that's not really important- although there was a new Star Wars movie supposed to come out about a month after I… left." Jones shot me a curious look. "Really, though? You ask about movies, not how your own story's going? Aren't you the least bit curious?"
I shrugged with a dismissive scoff. "Why ask about the obvious? Good SIs are a once-in-a-blue-moon deal, and the One Piece fanfiction community is both comparatively minuscule and polarized, with fics being either amazing or awful. And the combination of both? The lowest of both sides, bar none. Face facts, we both suck… er, in a literary way, I mean. No offence."
"None taken, and you're a bit off the mark," Jones deadpanned. "Last I saw? This Bites! was pretty popular."
"Oh, yeah?" I shrugged without a care. "Eh, I guess that's nice, then. How many faves does it have? A hundred? Two?"
"Try over two thousand."
I nearly snapped my spine. I spun around so fast, but hell if I could give half a damn about that! "Ex-squeeze me!?" I choked out.
Jones shrugged carelessly and rolled her eyes. "You heard me, Jar-Jar. When I left, you were on the front page for reviews, follows, and favourites. Undeniably the most popular SI in the fandom- although I'll agree, that's not necessarily saying much on its own- and eighth most popular fic overall in terms of favourites. Might be higher by now. Basically?" She freed a hand to give me a thumbs-up. "Congrats, friend, you're officially what's known as an e-celebrity."
I—? But that—! How—? What the fu—!?
J-Cross. EXE has encountered a fatal error and has to shut down.
Reboot? Y/N
Y
Reboot accepted. Formulating an appropriate response.
"WHAT?!"
Any further responses were cut off by a loud thump on the deck behind us.