My first inkling that something was wrong was how hard and unyielding my bed seemed to be. I like a firm mattress as much as the next guy, but to my sleep-addled subconscious, it felt more like a hardwood floor. Not comfy.
My second inkling was that I was asleep in the first place, though my brain was decidedly unhelpful in telling me why that was a problem.
The third and most important was a finger jabbing into my ribs.
With the ease of long practice, I pried my eyes open and sat up, locking my gaze with Robin's brown orbs for a brief second, long enough for the worry in her expression to dim somewhat. It also served to reassure me; the last thing I remembered was seeing Enrico-fucking-Pucci out on the street, and then… and then… yeah, that blank spot in my memory was all kinds of worrying.
I slowly turned my head around, a sinking pit opening up in my stomach as I took in the derelict ship—a wooden one at that, and massive too—we were on, as well as the multitude of others that were surrounding our perch, and the rainbow-colored mist we were enshrouded in, which was nigglingly familiar. And I dealt with that the way I usually do.
"Well, this definitely isn't Louisiana," I remarked. Unfortunately, that didn't get even a snort out of Robin, which was worrying, since she usually laughs at even my worst jokes.
"No, it's not," she agreed, glancing around. "A-Are we in the Bermuda Triangle?"
"I doubt it. Contrary to popular belief, the Triangle isn't any more dangerous than the rest of the ocean. Believe me, we've checked," I replied as I stood up, my jeans crackling. Ugh. Salt water. "Unless some rogue Stand user has set up shop there since we last checked." I frowned as I realized that in addition to not knowing where we were, I also had no idea how we'd gotten here. "How did we get here, anyway? I remember seeing Pucci on the street…"
I glanced over to Robin for answers to see her shuffling back and forth on her feet, looking away. Aw, hell, I knew what that expression meant. "I lost it and attacked him, didn't I?" I sighed, rubbing my forehead.
"Yeah, you didn't even use The Catalyst's abilities," Robin replied, her tone readily relaying what she thought about that decision. "And then this fat slob in glasses stepped out of an alley and touched you, and you vanished. I almost didn't grab him—he stank, seriously!—but I used my arms to try and lock him, and then I blacked out and woke up on this ship a few minutes before you did."
"Ugh, that damn priest must have been there to recruit Stand users. And got one," I groaned, moving my hand away so I could look around again. "Alright, now, where are we—"
I froze as the memory that had been tickling me since I saw that fucking rainbow mist hit me like a thunderbolt. And as someone who's actually been hit by lightning (long story), let me tell you that was pretty hard.
"Rainbow mist…" I breathed. "Son of a gun…"
"You know where we are, then?" Robin asked hopefully.
"Yeah, I know where we are. We're in your old world."
Those words got the reaction I expected: anger and fear flitting over her face, her fists clenching at her sides, and her Stand, Pompeii, springing into sight, glaring at me. Thankfully, I knew the remedy for this sort of thing.
I pulled her into a hug.
"Don't worry," I said, stroking her hair, feeling her tense muscles under my other hand. "If I remember correctly, that ice bas—guy's nowhere nearby. More importantly, you're not the same as you were back then. It's okay, we're safe…"
I made soothing noises, continuing my stroking, and slowly I felt the tension ebb out of her. Finally, I felt her push against me, which was the usual signal that she'd had enough.
"Feel better?" I asked as we separated.
"Yeah…" she said softly, brushing at her eyes. "So, now what?"
I grimaced. My rather hazy memories of this arc—thank you… X-Chick, I think it was—indicated there was supposed to be an island here. But all I was seeing were dead ships, as far as the eye could reach.
"I don't know," I answered, frustration leaking into my voice. "What I remember of this part of One Piece is both super hazy and clearly wrong. I simply don't know enough about the Rainbow Mist to know what to do."
Robin nodded grimly. "Then we should probably find somebody and see if they know more."
"Heh," I chuckled. "We'll make a Stand warrior out of you yet. That's exactly what I was thinking." I glanced up at the mast rising above the deck and pressed a hand to it, the Catalyst manifesting and overlaying its own arm. "And the first step towards that is to find a mast that hasn't been rotted through with seawater."
Stepping up, Robin gave the mast a hearty poke and then stepped back. After a brief second, the mast creaked and began to fall over, making that classic cartoon falling tree sound before crashing onto a neighbouring wreck.
"Yeah, probably a good idea," she drawled.
Getting to other ships was a simple matter of having our Stands pick us up and ferry us over. Navigating the ships themselves was trickier. Salt water and the creatures within it did nasty things to ships, steel, wood, and other materials, but it was still surprising how badly off many of the wrecks were. I didn't want to think about how long some of these wrecks must have been here to get that bad. After the first time, Robin nearly fell through a rotten patch of planking I had The Catalyst out constantly to keep an eye on the chemical composition of the wood.
And that was how, after landing on one of the more intact ships, I sensed something very important.
"Wait," I ordered, stopping Robin in her inspection of this ship's mast. I began to pace over the deck, trying to pinpoint a chemical that was in decidedly short supply around here.
"What did you find?" Robin asked, before glancing up. "And can I climb up the mast?"
"In order, I think I found fresh water, and yes, but be careful," I replied, stopping on a particular piece of deck. I could've used The Catalyst's ability to rot away the wood, but I was in the mood for something a little more visceral.
"Oyoi!"
My Stand's fist crashed into the deck, smashing apart the planking, and I hopped down onto the gun deck below. Another "Oyoi!" brought me down to the hold, which had so far avoided being flooded, my senses pointing me to several barrels.
Picking the nearest one, I pried it open, and in it was water. Water that, once I tasted it, proved to be fresh, if a bit brackish.
"Perfect…" I muttered as I replaced the lid.
"Did you find something?" I heard Robin call down.
"Yeah, we've got water now!" I called back up. "Give me a minute!"
Getting up again was a bit tricky, but there were plenty of footholds. The only problem was when I was trying to climb out of the gun deck. As it turned out, trying to climb off of a slick iron cannon was a bad idea if you didn't want bruised shins.
"Ratchafraszin'…" I muttered as I got back up on the main deck. I glanced up at the mast, seeing Robin staring off into the distance. "You see anything?"
"Yeah, I see a ship that isn't beat to shit!"
"Language!" I halfheartedly shouted up. "Now, let's get you down before something-"
SNAP!
"Yaaaaahhh!"
"Breaks!" I yelped, shifting onto the balls of my feet so I could dive in any direction. I shouldn't have worried, though; a glance up showed her hanging off the mast by the many arms sprouting from it.
"I'm okay!" she reported.
"Yeah, you seem to… have things in hand," I said, grinning.
"Snrk… That was terrible, Lee!" Steadily dropping herself down, she tapped her foot on top of my head before landing. "Terrible!"
"My great sense of humour aside—"
"Ha!"
"—You said you saw an intact ship, right?" I continued.
"Yup," Robin confirmed, dropping to the deck. "Well, mostly intact. The masts are kinda broken."
"We'll go there, then," I decided. "We have water here, but I want to find food, too. That's a lot harder to die from, but also harder to recover from, as well."
"Good," Robin said, sniffing and haughtily raising her nose. "When we are there, you shall cook me the most exquisite banquet you can!"
I stared at her for a few seconds, then shook my head and began chuckling. Oh, this was going to be good. Makes me wish my phone hadn't apparently gotten dunked in saltwater.
Robin, who had just started walking towards the ship, turned around at that, worry creasing her features. "Why are you chuckling?" she asked, her voice wavering.
"You'll see," I said cryptically, waving her forward. "Let's keep moving, okay?"
"Okay…" she said dubiously. We continued on, Robin in the lead, and she kept on glancing behind herself at me. Ah, I love it when I get to do this. And I love it even more when it's because of something I didn't actually do! Does that make me an asshole?
Hm…
Nah, everyone enjoys a good bit of schadenfreude here and there. And not everyone's an asshole.
Secure in my logic, I went silent and focused on keeping an eye on the rotten decks. Thanks to our Stands carrying us over gaps and Pompeii temporarily patching up a few rotten spots, we made good time, and soon I could see the beached ship Robin had pointed out looming on the fog-shrouded horizon.
Still, we'd need to stop soon and take a break; Robin was beginning to flag. She hid it well, but the little quivers in her legs, particularly her calves, and the sweat running down her neck were obvious tells. We just needed to find a good, solid deck to stop on.
I was still debating where to do that when a loud squawk of "WHAT?!" echoed out over the graveyard, very loud and very close.
"Stay here!" I barked, noting in my peripheral vision Robin slumping to the deck as I dashed over to the side. Whatever the situation, throwing an internationally wanted young girl into the mix was unlikely to be a good thing, and honestly, she seemed relieved to get the rest.
The damn fog, naturally, was still obscuring things as I reached and peered over the side of the ship, but I could make out a pair of silhouettes, one person-shaped and one an amorphous blob that I recognized as one person carrying another. The Catalyst helpfully informed me a second later that the person being carried had a lot of black powder and residue on her person. Interesting.
Unfortunately, that was all the information I could get from here, and I still didn't know who these people were. I'd have to do this the hard way.
Jumping off the deck, I let the Catalyst float me down most of the way before dropping me the last few feet. An audible thunk heralded my arrival, and I was treated to two pairs of eyes shooting my way.
My mind quickly ran through the scene. On the right, a young blond man, wearing a black cap, jacket, and pants; somewhat tanned, but still obviously of North European descent; bandage over his nose; armour over his forearms and shins; and a checkerboarded… Den-Den Mushi, I think they were called, on his shoulder. He also looked vaguely familiar, even though I'm pretty sure he wasn't anyone I'd ever seen before. On the left, young…
My eyes narrowed as I tried to make out the other figure's gender. Looked vaguely feminine… I'd go with female, until she indicated otherwise. Shorter than Blondie, same taste in dark clothing (black and dark purple), though with a fedora instead of a cap and a splash of red at her neck. Dirty blonde hair, olive skin that looked natural instead of tanned… and a utility belt jammed to the gills with stuff. I counted at least eight pouches, as well as a flintlock pistol and a sai, practically touching.
Neither of them looked particularly threatening; both had rather slim builds, and only one was even armed. Still, in both JoJo and One Piece, appearance was often a terrible indicator of threat level, so I didn't drop my guard.
That, and there was a third person in what I'm pretty sure was a Marine uniform being carried on Fedora's shoulders, unmoving and limp. The woman—at least, I'm pretty sure it was a woman—had dark orange hair trimmed down to a buzz cut on the sides, and it was tickling my memory. That hairstyle, and the Marine uniform…
Ah. Bellemere, I'm pretty sure. I guess my memory about time fuckery is accurate.
For whatever reason—whether surprise, my close scrutiny, or something else—neither of them reacted for several seconds. Well, that wouldn't do. These people were our best ticket out of here.
Standing from the crouch I'd been in, I indicated the unconscious woman. "Friend of yours?"
"…Uh, friend of a friend?" Blondie posed.
"Close enough," Fedora nodded.
I hummed thoughtfully. "And is there any reason she's covered in enough gunpowder and gunpowder residue that I can smell it?"
"She's a sniper who just tried to give us EXTRA HOLES IN OUR bodies," the snail scoffed, its voice swapping in pitch, tone and even gender. "NO DOI SHE REEKS LIKE A ONE-WOMAN ARMY."
I narrowed my eyes at the checkerboarded Den-Den Mushi, which appeared to be talking on its own in some weird radio patchwork. Could they do that? And that sense of familiarity was back and stronger than ever…
"That makes sense," I said slowly, nodding. I plastered a grin on my face, and I clapped my hands together. "So! Since it seems you're both stuck here, too, do either of you know any way to get out of here? We've got some time-sensitive stuff to take care of."
Fedora snorted. "Time-sensitive. Here. Please, tell another one." Her words were accompanied by amused chattering from an overgrown lizard—with wings—scrambling around her ankles. Right, dragons are a thing around here. I mentally raised her threat level a notch.
"Heheh, that's a nice one, Soundbite, rewind his last sentence," Blondie transitioned from laughing to dead serious in a second as he suddenly pointed at me.
There was a brief rewinding noise from the snail before it started to speak in my voice. Okay, seriously, I knew this guy. I swear, it's on the tip of my tongue… "We've got some time-sensitive stuff to take care of."
Blondie tensed up and started to clench and unclench his fists. "You heard what I heard, right?" he asked his companion tersely.
"Yep." Fedora turned to scowl at me. "Tabarnak… I like a good fight as much as the next crazy person, but not when I'm carrying precious cargo."
"Walk 'em out OR ELSE I GET THEM CHUCKIN' EVERYTHING THEY'VE eaten in the last week!" the Den-Den Mushi snarled grimly. "And for the record? I'm not fuckin' exaggerating."
I resisted the urge to sigh. Man, I suck at negotiating. But then, I already knew that. Call in Koichi for diplomacy; call me if you want someone dead. Hell, even Jotaro's better at negotiating than me, and he has all the emotive capacity of a brick wall!
Anyway, I could probably take them, but I'd rather not kill our only ticket out of here, or piss off the companions they inevitably had. And I still didn't remember who Blondie was despite that nagging recognition. I hate it when that happens!
"Whoa, okay, let's not go crazy here," I said, raising my hands in placation. "I don't want to fight, and I wasn't planning on ambushing you guys."
Yet.
"But if it'll make you all feel better… Hey, Robin!"
"Yeah?" Robin called down from the ship above, both Blondie and Fedora exchanging glances, likely at the youth of her voice.
"Come on down, they want to meet you!"
"Aye-aye!"
There was a moment of silence, and then a mast crashed down to the deck several yards away from us, shattering into chunks of rotten wood. Then the wood crumbled into ash, swirling into a vaguely mast-shaped mass, which promptly snapped together into a pristine new mast. Robin skipped down a few seconds later, a happy grin on her face.
"Hi, my name's Robin Fung!" she said in greeting, waving her hand. Behind her, the mast collapsed back into shattered, rotten wood. "Weird name, huh? Blame this guy." That last was accompanied by a thumb jabbed my way.
Fedora's scowl morphed into what could only be called a puzzled glare, her mouth falling open with a hiss. "Son of a—!"
Blondie's reaction, however, was leagues more extreme… and rather amusing, too. Seriously, I didn't even know Jaws could go so low, or that a person could survive without a drop of blood in his face.
"R-Robin?" he choked out incredulously.
Aaaaand just like that, this wasn't funny anymore. I could see Robin's eyes widening slightly in my peripheral vision, though it was more out of surprise than fear. "Uh… have we met?" she asked.
"Or have you just seen the wanted poster that's been floating around these waters?" I added, barely keeping from snarling. The Catalyst, as it's wont to do when my emotions run high, sprang into view behind me, looming ominously.
Robin opened her mouth, presumably to ask about that, but I raised my hand, and she closed it. I wanted to see how they reacted to my words. I tried to watch their eyes, but that was a bit difficult, because they were looking over my… aaaah, shit, the Mist was making my Stand visible, wasn't it?
"Did I pull an all-nighter without noticing it?" Fedora wondered aloud, reaching one hand under her glasses to rub her eyes. "Because I think I'm hallucinating a modernized version of Red Skull."
…Scratch that, they can fucking see it. What the hell?! Do these two have Observation Haki? Oh, that would be bad news if they did.
"You… have a Stand…" Blondie choked out. Then his expression turned downright sickly as he snapped his attention back to Robin. "Wait… Stands and—!? Oh, frack me, Bohemian Rhapsody!?"
"How do you know that name?!" I snapped almost before he'd finished speaking, the Catalyst flashing out to grab Blondie by the throat and slam him against the nearest hard surface; the deck-edge railing, in this case.
As he gurgled, my mind was awhirl. How did this guy know about Stands, let alone one as specific and short-lived as Bohemian Rhapsody? And—
Wait.
The blond hair. The armoured arms and legs, the Den-Den Mushi. Someone who's read JoJo, in a world where that didn't exist.
"—Lee? Lee!"
I blinked, seeing Robin tugging at my arm, looking angry. Then I glanced out, seeing the person I finally recognized starting to turn an unhealthy shade of blue, and Fedora in a fighting stance, looking ready to jump into the fray. At a command, the Catalyst released him, letting him drop to the deck, hacking and coughing and clutching a clearly bruised throat.
"Xomniac?"
-o-
"Gagh, I, wha—WHAT!?" I managed to bite out as I got my throat working again. "Sonnuva, how the hell do you know that name!?…wait…" I glanced skyward miserably. "Oh, come on, another self-insert? Dunno how the hell you jiggered things so that we don't suck back home, but I'm still serious about a crossover being a shit gimmick!"
The grizzly-looking mofo who'd just nearly ripped my spine out snorted at that, getting an exasperated sigh from tiny Robin (still trying not to freak out about that), and he took a deep breath, seeming to collect himself.
"I dunno, you didn't seem to think that when you dumped Priscilla and… what's his name, that ice dragon guy from… Dark Souls, was it? Anyway, when you dumped those two in Resuscitation. And don't even get me started on Franken Fran."
"I WAS ON A SUCCESS HIGH, I ALREADY ACKNOWLEDGED THAT I FUCKED UP!" I roared indignantly at the impudent son of a bitch. Damn it, how long was he going to hold that shitfest over my head? It'd been weeks since we'd even… talked about…
…wait a second.
"CV!?" I squawked, my eyes nearly popping out of my sockets.
Jones looked from me to CV and back again. "So… You know this guy? Do we have to fight him or not? I'm confused."
"You and me both," Robin muttered. "And just so you know, he could totally kick both your asses!"
"In the flesh," fucking CV12Hornet said. He then proceeded to poke Robin in the back of the head. "Also, Robin? Please don't write checks that I have to cash."
My brain stalled and jarred as I tried and failed to process just what the hell I was seeing. CV. CV12Hornet. An extremely skilled writer, my best editor. One of my best friends in the whole—WHY THE HELL AM I STILL SITTING!?
"DUDE!" I laughed elatedly, shooting to my feet and spreading my arms wide. I was promptly knocked off my feet by the man who wrapped me in a hug, his strong arms squeezing the air out of me.
"You're alive, you crazy bastard!" CV crowed. "I told you going into a 'verse with superhuman baseline durability was a bad idea!"
"And you have a fucking Stand!" I laughed back as I rammed my hands down on his back. "You went into JoJo, and you crawled out the other end in one fucking piece! Holy shit dude, you—!… you…" I trailed off slowly before leaning back to give my old pal a bemused look. "You've pulled a Joseph. Eesh, dude."
"What are you—?" CV began, before scowling. "I'm forty-six, dammit! And I like to think I look good for my age!"
"SORRY TO TELL YOU, bub, but you look like you're pushing SIXTY!" Soundbite cackled.
"And I think you need to get your eyes checked, Squashy!" Robin interjected, adding a stomp on the deck for emphasis. "He doesn't look a day over forty-five!"
"Thanks…" CV grumbled.
"YOU WANNA SAY THAT TO MY FACE, shortstack!?" Soundbite snapped his jaws menacingly.
"Oh, lordy…" I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "I see where this is going… bah, while they're ripping each other's heads off—"
Beside us, Robin glared at Soundbite and drew herself to her full 5'5" height. "Yeah, I do! Your mother was a slug, and your father was a hermit crab!"
"—wanna catch up?"
"Ohoh, you wanna dance? Bring it, cause I'm soooo scared of that knife in your face! OH WAIT, THAT'S YOUR NOSE!"
CV eyed the insult-fest between Soundbite and Robin for a second before shrugging and nodding. "Sure. D'you want to start, or…?"
"Dude, I've been on these seas for six months, you've been in JoJo for the majority of your life," I deadpanned. "Who the hell do you think has the more interesting story?"
"Still you," he replied with a smug grin. "I haven't been hanging around a protagonist the whole time. Just some of the time."
"…fair 'nuff!" I grinned cockily as I started fiddling with my gauntlets. "And if I'm going first, let me cut off any 'comparing scars' nonsense early, because nothing you've got can top what I've got."
"I seriously dooouoookay, never mind…"
I revelled in the way my friend recoiled from my unbandaged arm, the vindictive joy pushing me through the sting of salt on my exposed nerves. "Yeaaaah, like a limb of molten mozzarella! Gooey and solid in all the wrong places! Touch it."
"How about no? The last time I saw burns that bad, it was on a corpse!"
"C'moooon, touch it!"
"Xom, get that thing away from me!"
"Touch it, touch it, touch it!"
"I will melt the rest of you from the lungs out, so help me God!"
-o-
I laughed as Cross started chasing his friend around the deck, waving… not the most badly scarred hand I'd ever seen, since I used to work for a surgeon, but certainly up there. To be able to meet someone you knew in a place like this, so far from home… Although this CV person seemed a lot older than I would've expected someone Cross to hang out with on Earth. Maybe he aged differently on his alternate timeline thingy? Oh, the joys of time-warp shenanigans.
Wait… Time-warp shenanigans—I'd come to One Piece about a year after Cross had, if not a little longer. The manga had progressed so much… Should I warn him about Sanji's family?…wait, warn—? Oh, holy hell, Ace. He still thought he was free and clear on that front; he had no idea about the shitstorm waiting for him! Screw it, I know I would've wanted him to warn me if our situations had been reversed. The more information you had, the better it was for making plans. That was something I'd managed to learn from him.
Something flashed across my peripheral vision as I opened my mouth to speak. No one else noticed, still engaged in their banter. Suspicious, I turned to find whatever-it-was. Were we under attack? But no, all I saw was a ratty scrap of sail that had fallen from a nearby wreck. It had something written on it, though. The dripping red text piqued my curiosity; I moved closer to read it.
Go ahead and tell him.
Halfway through reading the note, something flashed across my skin, and I was forced to lean over with a hiss when my forearms began to sting and burn. I almost dropped Bellemere in surprise. Twelve glowing lines of pain, almost as bad as when they'd been fresh. When I looked back, there was a sheet of impossibly sturdy paper lodged in the wood. One edge was lined in red; I was able to read three words before the pervasive moisture began to crumble it into pulp.
I dare you.
Tabarnak. This was that B.R.O.B. thing, wasn't it? Didn't want me messing with Cross' fate. …tch, fine, message received, you omni-everything fuck. It wasn't like it would matter anyway, because knowing Cross, he'd meet whatever challenges were coming head-on and grind them into the dirt. I paused at that thought. Huh. A lot more admiration there than I usually showed for anyone… except maybe Sensei. Hello, not-my-usual-writer.
Still, just in case… I freed one hand for a second to flip the sky off. "Merde! Fine, fine, have it your way. Just quit messing with the scars, my own writer does that enough already. And I may not be able to see you right now, but if I ever do find you… Mon tabarnak j'vais te décalisser la yeule, calice!"
Slamming my foot on the note-mush for good measure, I grit my teeth and forced back the pain. It slowly subsided as I clenched and unclenched my muscles. Deep breaths; force a smile so no one would suspect I'd seen anything unusual.
Even if she wasn't all that heavy, carrying Bellemere was starting to get tiring. I'd really appreciate getting to the ship so I could put her down and stretch out my shoulders; the muscles in my upper back were starting to seize up. Time to get people back on track. But how?
…Yes.
I crept up behind Cross while he was going after CV, my steps quiet on the worn wood. Not that I expected anyone except maybe Soundbite to hear me over the banter that was still in progress. Slipping one hand free, I reached for a famous and much-hated button, crazy grin growing across my face.
BWAAAAAAAAAH!
The noise hurt my ears something awful, but it was worth it. Everyone jumped, including me; I made sure my leap carried me away from Cross and any possible vengeance. Five pairs of eyes fixed on me; Ruatha let out a reproachful croon of pain.
"Sesehihihihihi! Oh, that was fun. I can't believe I actually got the chance to do it!"
-o-
I recovered first from the incredible noise of the foghorn; the one benefit of being around so many explosions in my twenty-four years in Jojo. "Dang, that's loud," I groused, rubbing my ears. "You okay, Robin?"
"My eaaaars…" she groaned from where she was curled up on the deck. "Gimme a few minutes for the world to stop ringing…"
I nodded and turned back towards Fedora, who was looking quite pleased with herself. "Soooo. I don't think we were ever introduced, and I suppose blowing our eardrums is as good an introduction as any." I held my hand out towards her. "Lee Fung, better known as CV12Hornet in online circles."
She stared at my hand for a moment before awkwardly freeing one of her own to shake it. "Jones. Also, an SI, although I don't know what name my writer uses. So… What was that Red Skull thing that grew up behind you earlier? Or was I actually hallucinating again?"
Again? "Don't worry, you're not hallucinating," I explained once we broke the handshake. "This is my Stand, The Catalyst." Said Stand popped into view behind me as I mulled over how to explain this. "Think of it as… a manifested fighting spirit that gives you superpowers. I'm honestly surprised you can see it."
"So, sort of a cross between Haki and a Patronus? Cool." Jones shrugged at my latter words. "Afraid I can't help with the seeing thing, if people normally can't. Between the glasses and the crazy, it's hard for me to tell. Now, since you reacted so well to it, I hope you don't mind if I use you as a human shield if anyone else is pissed off by the foghorn. As I said, I don't like fighting with precious cargo." So saying, she ducked around to put me between her and the rest of the group.
On the plus side, while Robin was rubbing her ears and glaring at Jones, it seemed to be mostly annoyance. Xomniac and Soundbite, on the other hand, looked actually angry.
"And for the record, now that I have a human shield?" she spoke up from behind me. "I see why you guys like doing that!"
"WE KNOW!" Xomniac and Soundbite hollered irritably.
"Sesehihihihihi!"
"Ugh… alright, moving on," Xom groaned. "You know the story as well as I do… uh, would you prefer CV or Lee?"
I let a grin spread across my face. "Yes."
"…Right." He slapped his hand to his face with a sigh before splitting his fingers and… glancing at Robin? "So, Child Robin. Considering the setting you walked out of, I take it that my guess about Bohemian Rhapsody was right?"
I opened my mouth to respond—
"That's right!"
And then Robin cut in, grabbing my arm and grinning sunnily.
"He tried to save me from the ice guy but kept getting frozen, and then this weird arrowhead cut me, and it really hurt, but it gave me a Stand." And here Pompeii - a humanoid, vaguely female figure in grey plaster and jagged black volcanic rock, Roman numerals making a clock over its chest - sprang to life and gave a wave. "So I could keep him alive, and then he went and kicked the bad guy's a—butt, and then because I had a Stand I was able to stay and not go back into that comic book for weird reasons I don't get, and Lee adopted me, and it was awesome!"
"What she said," I interjected in the silence that followed before glancing back at Jones. "Also, maybe I should carry Bellemere from now on."
My suggestion earned a scowl, of all things. Despite looking like she could use a break, Jones was glaring as I'd just threatened to kill her dragon. "No. No, I'm good."
Well, alright then. Let her suffer in silence. Arguing with that kind of stubbornness generally got you a boot to the head. At best. "Suit yourself."
Meanwhile…
"Right…" Cross stared at Robin for a second longer before affixing me with a flat glare. "For the record? If my Robin pulls a Joestar and gets a Stand by extension or association or whatever the hell ever and starts shifting art-styles, I blame you."
"Duly noted," I blandly stated. "Anyway, now that the exposition's out of the way, I hope one of your ships is around so we can sit down and hash out how the hell we're going to get out of here."
"Sunny's over… thattaway," Cross jerked his thumb in the direction his snail indicated. "We're planning on regrouping there so that Chopper… actually, now that I think about it, do I need to clarify him as 'my' Chopper?" he glanced at Jones in askance.
"Nah, I think you're good." She shook her head. "I doubt we'll need to deal with those kinds of hijinks…" Her expression fell flat. "And it's not like your Chopper could be confused with mine by any sane person anyway."
"Uh…?" Robin slowly raised her hand curiously. "If they're the same person, why not?"
"It MIGHT have something to do with the fact that one is NUTTIER THAN A SQUIRREL AND strapped with EXPLOSIVES," Soundbite responded flatly.
"…Withdrawn," Robin muttered, Pompeii shimmering briefly into existence and rubbing its neck nervously behind her.
"Shall we?" I interjected, indicating the direction Cross had pointed.
"Allons-y!" the relatively native pirate proclaimed as he forged on energetically.
~o~
"Ah, mi casa at last!" I laughed in relief, swinging my arms out wide as the beautiful, tri-masted form of my home and steed came into sight through the mists. "It's not su casa, but he'll take you in all the same. Nice, eh?"
Lee didn't say anything for a long moment in favour of staring with furrowed brows at the ship. "…Wasn't the Thousand Sunny supposed to be a brig sloop?" he asked at last.
"That was with a ฿200 million budget. Thanks to me, we had ฿500 million, and a ship-whisperer involved in the construction process." I couldn't help but shoot a cocky grin over my shoulder at Jones. "Top that, rookie."
"That implies a situation where we need Sunny in the first place, asshat," Jones deadpanned.
"…also implies you make it to Water 7 period?" I offered sheepishly.
"As if we won't," Jones rolled her eyes before shifting Bellemere about with a grunt. "Look, quit rubbing your superior experience in my face and help me figure this out; I don't have enough hands to climb while holding a person." Her words were accompanied by what I was pretty sure was the dragon equivalent of a raspberry from Ruatha.
"Right, I thought the Wikipedia page for barques looked familiar…" Lee muttered, ignoring the exchange as he kept looking over Sunny. "Oh, and speaking of hands? Robin just climbed up the side while you two were arguing."
"Wait, what!?" I snapped my attention to him in shock. "Why didn't you—!?"
"Brace," Soundbite droned flatly.
I hastily snapped my headphones over my ears…
"EEEEEEE!"
Just in time to dodge the supersonic shriek that came within milliseconds of rending my eardrums. Prepubescent girls: an aspect of modern life I so did not miss.
Others, however…
"Dick…" Jones ground out as she got a hand free and dug a finger through her ear.
"Yeah, she's got a fantastic set of pipes, doesn't she?" Lee said, a smug grin on his face, telling just how much experience he had with this. "Oh, and to answer your question, Xom, I didn't say anything because I try to be fairly hands-off as a parent. Oh, and because I thought it'd be funny."
"HE'S AS BAD AS YOU, PARTNER!" Soundbite cackled.
"And as confusing to boot."
"GRK!" I went ramrod stiff as a specific voice spoke up behind me, and I slowly turned a twitching grin up to the Sunny's railing. "H-Heya, Robin. I'm guessing you have a few questions."
"I'll save the ones for your… friend for a later time," she cast a pointed glance at Lee for a moment before refocusing on me. "Currently, however?" She hefted… an arm up, exposing the fact that her mini-me had latched onto her like a lamprey and was staring at her with particularly twinkly eyes. "I'd very much like an explanation for this."
"Lee, you were right!" Younger Robin giggled ecstatically as she rubbed her cheek against… well, her own arm. "I'm gonna be sooo hooot when I grow up!"
"Told you that brat Mikaela was just jealous!" Lee shot her a thumbs-up.
"Ergh…" I dragged a hand down my face with a groan before jerking my thumb at Jones and her… baggage. "Look, I'll explain things soon enough. For now, mind if I start by trying to explain that to the crew?"
Robin hummed noncommittally for a moment before shrugging and conjuring a makeshift ladder of limbs on Sunny's side. "Pass her here. Best you come on first, though, so that you can help me lift her up."
"On it," I saluted, hastily clambering up her limbs and waving down at Jones once I was on deck. "Alright, pass 'er up!"
"Finally." There was a relieved sigh as Jones heaved Bellemere up high enough that Robin could grab her and start passing her up. "Merde… I'm gonna be so stiff tonight. Make sure you watch her head, eh? And get her to Chopper ASAP."
"Yeah, yeah, I got her," I nodded absentmindedly, keeping my head on a swivel even as I hooked my arms under Bellemere's arms. "Now let's hurry up and do this before Nami sees—!"
"Before Nami sees what exactly?"
A loud smack echoed from down on the shore where Lee still was.
"GRK!" I barely kept from fumbling the Marine as I shot a panicked glance over my shoulder at Nami and Vivi, who'd somehow managed to walk up behind me without anyone warning me. I spared snarls at a far too satisfied Soundbite and Robin (the older one, I mean, damn, this was going to be confusing…) before smiling tersely at the two. "N-Nami! Good timing, great timing really! I-I-I was just going to go and get you! I, ah, j-j-just discovered something in the Mists you'll want to know about!"
"Yeah, funny story about that…" Vivi cocked her eyebrow at me. "See, we found something pretty incredible, too."
And with that, she stepped aside to reveal… an older woman who looked just like oh bloody hell!
"QUEEN TITI, MA'AM!" I yelped, hastily spinning around to snap her a saluuuuoooh shit.
THUNK!
I flinched as the meaty thump of flesh and bone striking flesh and bone rang out. "I can explain that."
"GAH! TABARNAK, YOU DROPPED HER RIGHT ON MY HEAD, YOU ASS!"
"I can explain that too."
I tried not to flinch as our navigator leaned to the side to look past me, where Bellemere was sprawled out on the deck in front of a sour-looking Jones, who wasn't rubbing the top of her head only because Ruatha was licking the spot.
"Cross," Nami asked dryly, her eyes slowly narrowing. "Would you care to explain to me why my once-dead-mother is lying down there and why she looks like she got kicked in the face?"
"Er…" I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably as I tried to look anywhere but at her. "Because someone kicked her in the face?"
"I thought you described your friend as 'eloquent'?" the un-deceased queen of Alabasta asked her daughter with honest curiosity.
"Eh," Vivi waved her hand. "It comes and goes with the tides."
"Bite me," I hissed out of the corner of my mouth, slapping my resident pest's shell before he could get any bright ideas.
"Would it be too crass to make a concussion joke?" Lee chose that exact time to very helpfully cut in as he climbed up the side. "Because this is, what, the third time she's gotten knocked on the head today?"
"Only the second, you bastard!" I called down acridly, before flinching as Nami's fingers dug furrows into the railing. "Aaaaand that is so not helping my case, is it?"
"No. No, it's not." Hands appeared on the rail as Jones heaved herself up. Ruatha came up separately, and a little ways away- the dragon must have good instincts for avoiding trouble. Jones sighed. "Anyways, look… Nami, my name is Jones. I know you might not know me, but I just want you to hear me out: Cross might be an idiot—!"
"Oi!"
"—But to be fair, this time this mess isn't entirely his fault."
"OI!"
Jones shot a glare at me before looking at Nami regretfully. "As I was saying… yes, some of it was me, and I'm really sorry about hurting your mother. Feel free to exact your pounds of flesh as needed, just don't hurt us too bad; can't have Soundbite and Ruatha becoming orphans now, can we?"
For the longest time, Nami just stood in place, spinning her Clima-Tact at her side. Finally, she thunked it in place at her side and heaved a sigh. "I'm… actually not going to hurt you two."
It was like some great divinity had chosen to smile upon us; my heart felt so light. "Really?" I breathed euphorically, tears of hope glistening in my eyes.
"You're serious!?" Jones asked in shock.
"Entirely," Nami nodded solemnly, gesturing at her ear. "See, after a recent incident? I have a bit of a hard time working up as much temper as I could before. I'm not exactly happy about this situation, by no stretch of the imagination, but I'm certainly not going to fly off the handle and maul both of you. So yeah, you don't need to worry about me."
I was sitting on Cloud 9, but apparently, Jones was a bit more distrustful, if the sheen of sweat on her brow was anything to go by. "And… why doesn't that reassure me? At all?"
"Oh, that's an easy one." Nami's suddenly demonic smile killed my joy cold, and the way she snapped the Eisen-section off her staff and started tossing it up and down in her palm didn't help either. "See, without my temper, I can't really get riled up enough to do shit to you."
Without warning, Nami tossed the tube of metal to the side, and I traced its flight through the air - before locking up in terror as a positively irate Nami snatched it out of the air.
"That's why she's here," my Nami smirked as she walked over to her alternate, carrying Bellemere on her back as she walked around the stormfront that was rapidly expanding behind her double. "I'd wish you good luck… but honestly, I really hope that this hurts."
"You." The alt-Nami hissed murderously, a downright deadly look in her eyes as the clouds around her roiled and snapped grimly. "Concussed. My mother."
-o-
White nibbled at the edges of my vision; I felt like I was about to faint. "Parlay?" I offered weakly- not that I really expected anything to come of it. And surprise, surprise, nothing did, unless you count my Nami - my normal, un-altered, still rage-filled Nami - turning her terrifying gaze on me.
"You. Concussed. My. Mother," she hissed.
And then… the air exploded.
"YOU IDIOTS!"
A wave of solid cloud slammed into Cross and me before we could say shit, taking us clean off our feet and pinning us to the galley wall with bruising force.
My first reaction? Ow. My second reaction? Owwwww. Tabarnak, clouds were not supposed to be this hard. Funny how that was the first thing to go through my head, instead of something like 'oh crap, the Namis have met,' or 'don't cross the streams.' Although it was probably a little late for the latter. I gasped, trying to get my wind back, but apparently, Cross got there first.
"N-Nami!" he wheezed frantically, struggling against his binds. "I-I know you're pissed at us, but if you'll just let me explain-!"
"Gag him," This Bites! Nami instructed me coolly as she examined her fingernails.
"—MMPH!?" Cross let out a muffled howl as a tendril of iron cloud clamped down over his mouth.
This Bites! Vivi—ah, screw it, I'm not doing that forever—TB! Vivi whistled in awe. "Wow, that was actually impressive."
Titi tilted her head towards her daughter, her attention never leaving our pinned forms. "Yes, this is quite the impressive display of how unique the Grand Line can be, isn't it?"
"Hm?" TB! Vivi blinked at her mother in confusion before 'ah'ing in understanding. "Oh, no, not that, our Nami has those clouds out 24/7, they're practically her own personal aura. I was talking about her gagging Cross. Smartest thing anyone's ever done in a fight against him by far."
"MMPH MU!" Cross let out a smothered roar at her.
"Language!" Lee laughed up at him.
"MMH MPH!" The anarchy-raiser snapped his glare to his old friend, who only reacted with a smile and a wave.
My Nami shot a glance at TB!Nami. "Should I do something about the snail too? Or is it just there for decoration?"
TB! Nami—man, this was confusing—thought for a moment, then waved her off. "Nah, it's fine. Not like it would stick anyway, and without the puppetmaster, he's mostly harmless."
"OI!" Soundbite roared indignantly.
"Oh, so you're saying that you know how to break someone's spirit with just a few words?" TB! Nami questioned flatly.
"I—!" Soundbite started to bark before glancing to the side uncertainly. "Alright, fine, emotional torture is and always will be CROSS'S FORTE." He then perked up eagerly. "On the other hand, PHYSICAL TORTURE OF THE AUDIAL VARIETY IS MY FORTISSISSIMO!"
"Nice pun," Lee remarked.
"MRPH!" Cross flailed furiously.
"ENOUGH."
All conversation stopped as Nami's voice lashed out over the deck.
Then, eyes a few millimetres of blood pressure away from glowing red, she advanced on us until she was just out of kicking range. The clouds tightened around us, a promise inherent in their binds. "Jones… I'll give you one chance to tell me who kicked my mother's face in. And I'm warning you now." She snapped her finger over her shoulder to point at where both Robins were watching over the KO'd Marine. "You might be my friend, but that is my mother. So! If I wind up being unhappy with the answer…" Her grip on the metal tube tightened to the point where her knuckles popped.
Nope, not saying anything. I'm not a snitch. Biting my lip, I did my best to avoid Nami's gaze. Hopefully she'd get whatever punishment she had in mind over with quickly, and we could move past—!
"It was Jones!"
WHAT.
"MRPH?!" Cross squawked just as incredulously.
"YOU HEARD ME!" Soundbite cackled madly, his eyestalks jabbing in my direction. "SCARFACE HERE decided to punt the Marine dead center! Quite viciously too, I might add!"
Oh, that little… "YOU FOUL, SCHEMING LITTLE TURD OF POND SCUM!" I spat at the slimy shit, straining at him as much as physically possible. "I SHOULD BAKE YOU IN GARLIC BUTTER AND SERVE YOU WITH FRENCH BREAD! AND I HOPE THAT WHEN YOU GET REINCARNATED, IT'S INTO A FUCKING SALT-SHAKER!"
"Bring it the hell on, you two-faced, TWO-MINDED, HALF-BAKED Impact Dial!" the slimy git leered. "I ain't goin' down for the shit YOU'VE DONE!"
Half-baked? Half-baked? Oh, we'd see who was half-baked. "When I get out of here, I'm going to shove my 'half-baked' Newton's Second down your—GAH!"
"GYRK!"
"Oh, will you both just SHUT UP?!" The clouds tightened even further, wrapping around Soundbite. If my Nami wasn't livid before, she was now. Oops. "I don't care who, but someone better give me a straight answer, or—!"
"Well, I'm no doctor," Lee cut in from where he had moved to examine Bellemere. "But besides the boot to the face, from the bruising and her pupils, she took a nasty fall onto her side, and also a bright light in her face. Which of those two does that sound like?"
The Namis looked at each other. "Bright light sounds like Cross' Gastro-Flash," TB! Nami offered. My Nami's expression darkened.
"And Jones tends to blow up and throw people across the battlefield. So it was both of them. Thank you."
"You're welcome!" Lee cheerfully replied. "So, what're you gonna do—?"
Suddenly, crackling noises filled the air and the atmosphere reeked of ozone.
TB! Nami's eyes shot wide as she shot her hand to her suddenly lighter hip. "Shit! Nonono, wait—!"
Lee, too, looked rather panicked. "Shit!" The Catalyst sprang to life. "Stop!"
Tabarnak. This wasn't gonna be pretty. Sparks began to dance around the iron clouds, blue and white and gold. Tiny zaps of static- as you get from a wool carpet- preceded the incoming storm. I grit my teeth and close my eyes, bracing myself for pain.
"OKAY, HAPPY-HAPPY-FUNTIME STOPS HERE! SUCK IT!"
No—no pain? "Eh?" I cracked an eye open. Nami- my Nami- was kneeling on the ground, her hands over her ears, looking like she was about to vomit. TB! Nami stood over her, clutching two-thirds of a Clima-Tact. The iron clouds receded, dropping Cross and me to the deck with a thud. Not far away, I heard a groan in a vaguely familiar voice. Oh, good, Bellemere was waking up.
Both Namis froze at that sound. They turned in slow unison to look at the red-headed Marine. Cross and I were forgotten in a clatter of heels as the navigators raced across the deck to check on their mother. I let out a sigh of relief at the lack of lightning treatment.
"Bellemere!" The Marine was engulfed in hugs as soon as she made an effort to sit up. Both Namis looked like they might start crying at any moment; Bellemere, for her part, was totally confused.
"N-Nami?" Glancing at the two women hugging her didn't help the Marine's confusion. She reached up to wipe blood from her face, wincing as she touched her nose. "This- This is a dream, right? Because last time I checked, you were three years old, and I'm pretty sure I didn't have twins."
"If it is a dream, I'm not sure I want to wake up." My Nami glanced back at me out of the corner of my eye. "It's almost good enough for me to forgive those idiots for what they did."
"Really?" I couldn't quite keep the eagerness out of my voice. Beside me, Cross sagged in relief. Half a second later, a thrown bottle bounced off my head. Nami smiled.
"Okay, now I can forgive them."
"Ow…" I grumbled, rubbing the spot where the bottle had hit me. Thankfully, both Namis were now focused entirely on their tearful reunion with their mother, leaving only TB! Vivi, who was looking thoughtfully at me, and her mother, Titi, who seemed content to just watch with an amused smile on her face.
Actually, Vivi was outright staring at me. And then she was staring at Lee. And then back at me. Creepy…
"So, which one of you is Cross's?" she asked.
Lee shot a confused glance my way, to which I could only shrug. Cross's what? Who knows? Denied an answer from me, he turned back to Vivi, raising a finger. "Uh, Cross's what?"
"Oh, his loved one," she clarified, looking a little sheepish. "Sorry, it's just… everyone else ran off to who knows where because after my…" There was a slight hitch in her voice, rife with both disbelief and joy. "My mother and Serra - Conis' mother," she clarified at our confused looks. "After they came out of the mist, we all figured out that our loved ones were somehow coming out of the Mists. I was just wondering which of you was Cross's."
"That would probably be me," Lee answered, raising his hand. "I was one of his best friends back, uh… home."
When TB! Vivi looked askance at me, and I rolled my eyes with a heavy sigh. "I'm with the other Straw Hats. You know, the crew is a dimension to the left and a few months behind?"
The princess opened her mouth, closed it, and frowned. "…I cannot, for the life of me, believe that I'm not questioning that sentence. Now, if you'll excuse me…" A dreamy look crossed Vivi's face as she turned towards where her mother was happily helping to keep a visibly shellshocked Bellemere stable. "I have to get back to a long overdue reunion."
And with that, she left.
I wanted to question that sentence as I looked out over our two ships, which were slowly starting to fill with recently returned members of separate Straw Hat crews and their often deceased loved ones. But… weird as it was, this still had nothing on -All You Zombies-, so if I could accept that… I sighed and shook my head.
"So… Lee, was it?" I looked over at the by-far-oldest of the three of us. "When did you leave Mother Earth to descend into a realm of madness?"
"Tail end of 2016," he answered, leaning back onto a nearby railing. "Right before I was set to leave on a family New Year's vacation to Los Angeles, if I remember correctly. You?"
"November of the same year."
Lee grinned. "Hey, Xom!" he called out. "D'you want us to- *snrk*"
I frowned in confusion as Lee hastily clamped his hand over his mouth to dampen the amused snort I'd heard. Whatever it was that had provoked that, it had to do with Cross, so I turned around and—
Okay, I have to admit: Cross' comically angry face, accompanied by fingers jabbing at his cloud gag and a lot of angry "Mrph!"s, was definitely something to laugh at.
Still grinning like a loon, Lee said, "Ladies, I don't know how you made those clouds last, and while I think it's hilarious… would you remind removing Cross' gag for him? I want him to speak for this."
"AGREED!" Soundbite chimed in. "He can't appreciate my genius LIKE THIS!"
"Mmph mm—GAH!" Cross yelped as a tendril of Iron Cloud literally slapped the gag off of him. "Oh, thank God! Finally!" The anarchy-lover shot a scathing glare at his crew's navigator. "I want two digits off my debt for that, you… damn…" he trailed off into a smirk as he eyed Bellemere nearby.
TB! Nami, for her part, waved her hand dismissively. "Yeeeah, that's not happening in a million—eh?" She interrupted herself when a hand landed on her shoulder and then paled when she trailed it back to the very twitchy face of her visibly displeased mother.
"What was that…" Bellemere intoned darkly. "About a 'debt'?"
"Meep," TB! Nami squeaked unintelligibly, sounding for all the world like a kid whose hand had been caught in the cookie jar.
"Hehehehe, sucker," Cross chuckled sadistically as he watched a suddenly lively Bellemere browbeat our navigators before refocusing on our conversation. "Aaaaaanyways, CV, you were saying?"
"How would you like to hear how 2016 went?" he said, grin stretching ear-to-ear.
I blinked in confusion as Cross perked up intently. Why would he be looking forward to that? I mean, sure, it was a crazy year, but- wait a minute. This Bites! was published in 2015. Cross doesn't know anything about that year, and Soundbite most likely wouldn't have cared enough to share with him.
Oh, this was going to be fun.
"And I'll make sure this guy stays accurate and doesn't embellish," I added, a grin of my own spreading over my face.
Cross glanced back and forth between us before heaving a sigh. "I know I'm going to regret this, but… fire away. It can't have been that crazy."
"Oh, very poor choice of words," Lee chided. "Hey, does anyone have any booze handy?"
From the Merry, docked next to the Sunny we were currently on, a bottle came sailing up. From the way Lee hastily crossed his arms over his face, he hadn't been expecting that- Tabarnak! That… Stand keeps surprising me. In fact, it seems almost automatic. In any case, Lee took the bottle, popped it open, and took a deep gulp from it.
"Terrible," he grumbled, his face a mask of disgust. "Alright. 2016. It all started with this fucking gorilla…"
-o-
Steel clashed against steel, forming a strange, ringing battle music. Anyone not bearing a sword had the good sense to stay well away- even if they were a person usually lacking in good sense. This wasn't a spar; this was a curbstomp, this was a massacre, this was—
This was, Yosaku reflected as he was thrown into the air by a miniature tornado, going very poorly.
He didn't blame Big Bro, really. As a swordsman, he understood what an amazing opportunity it was: a chance to spar with your older self, to learn things from him. But really, was the appropriate reaction to having your opening salvo blocked so effortlessly that you couldn't even tell if your opponent had woken up, really, to grab two friends who were just minding their own business in the galley and declare it an exercise in teamwork? And then that little girl had charged in, momentarily shocking both Zoros before the battle heated up more than ever.
…Okay, maybe he did blame Big Bro. Just a little.
Further philosophizing was cut short by the imminent impact with the nearest bulkhead. The green hunter wheezed as he landed hard; Johnny came down on his back a second later.
"Is it just me, or are we getting our asses kicked?" he groaned.
"Rhino Cycle!"
Yosaku looked up just in time to see the older Zoro flick two blades up in a quick spinning maneuver that tore lines across the younger Zoro's chest and sent him staggering backward into a rail. "Nope, it's not just you, Bro. It's you, me, Big Bro, and that weird Li'l Sis with the shinai. We're all getting our asses kicked."
"Well, technically, she's not getting her ass kicked," Johnny pointed out as the said shinai-wielding young girl tried to land a thrust on the older Zoro's leg. "He's just letting her flail at him without getting hit." Sure enough, the swordsman sidestepped the blow with almost criminal ease, his focus rooted entirely on his younger counterpart. "Honestly? I know he's trying to be kind, and I get why, but that's pretty insulting as a swordsman."
True enough, the young girl was livid. Her face was red as a tomato as she continued to swing futilely at the man who was ignoring her. The girl's attacks grew sloppier and sloppier as her anger took hold, until she finally snapped and began screaming as she fought.
"TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, DAMN IT!" Tears welled up at the corners of her eyes, but she didn't let them fall. "YOU MEN- YOU THINK YOU'RE SO TOUGH! THINK GIRLS ARE DELICATE, CAN'T TAKE ANY PAIN! NEWS FLASH! WE HAVE TO GIVE BIRTH TO YOU NUMBSKULLS! THAT HURTS A HELL OF A LOT!"
She paused, panting, before launching back into both her attack and her rant with renewed vigour. And this time, a disproportionately large number of her strikes seemed to be targeting Zoro's groin. "I CAN DO ANYTHING A BOY CAN DO, AND I'LL PROVE IT! YOU THINK YOU'RE SO GREAT BECAUSE YOU'RE TALLER THAN US AND YOU HAVE TESTICLES—LET'S SEE HOW YOU FUNCTION WITHOUT THOSE DELICATE BITS OF ANATOMY! AND WHILE YOU'RE ON THE GROUND WHIMPERING IN PAIN, I'LL GO ON AND BECOME THE WORLD'S GREATEST SWORD-FIGHTER! TAKE THAT, YOU MISOGYNISTIC MOSS—!"
"Kuina, will you SHUT UP ALREADY?!" the elder Zoro roared, his swords flashing out—!
"Yosaku!" Johnny yelped, shooting to his feet, sword in hand.
"Right behind you!" Yosaku replied, doing the same.
Their urgency came from the fact that, after pushing away his younger counterpart (read: knocking him into a wall hard enough to rock the ship), Zoro had turned his blades—his very sharp blades—on the young girl. As they watched, both swords… hooked their blunt edges under her armpits? And lifted her? And—
"Oh, shit!" both swordsmen yelped as the hilt of Wado Ichimonji flashed up and slammed into Kuina's temple, launching her at them at a pretty respectable clip. And with their own forward momentum, they had no chance to dodge.
As such, Kuina slammed sideways into Johnny, the sudden reverse in momentum carrying both of them into Yosaku behind, and from there into the wall and then a groaning heap on the deck.
"It's not because you're a girl that I'm going easy on you," the insensate swordsmen heard the elder Zoro grind out. "It's because—" Silence, stretching for several seconds. "Because it's really hard to step on ants without killing them."
Johnny and Yosaku gaped, and Kuina looked murderous. It was his younger self, however, who responded, his voice livid.
"You can't even be a year older than I am. How did you get strong enough to earn the right to start talking like Mihawk?!" he snapped.
"I'm still nowhere close to beating him," the older Zoro scoffed, refocusing his attention. "But I doubt that you're too far off from where I am. What's the last island you left?"
"Drum," Yosaku and Johnny groaned in unison.
The older Zoro nodded. "Just a few more months, then. The Grand Line tends to push you past your limits. Over, and over, and over again," he added with the barest hint of exasperation. He considered for a moment and shrugged. "Then again, I had some help. It's amazing what beating up on another swordsman all the time reveals about your own fighting style."
Johnny and Yosaku had already fainted before their Zoro turned back towards them.
Kuina forced herself to her feet, a teary smile on her face. "I guess… Congratulations, Zoro. You finally got good enough to beat me. But I won't give up! If you've gotten this good, then I just have to get even better! I will prove that girls can be master swordsmen!"
There was more steel in her words than any child that age should be capable of. It made both Zoros flinch. They glanced at each other, questioning. Then, through the sort of mental rapport only possible for identical twins and clones, they came to a decision. The elder Zoro sighed.
"I'm gonna tell her."
"Don't you dare!" the younger Zoro hissed.
"Tell me what?" Kuina asked innocently.
The two Zoros exchanged a stricken look and came to some sort of agreement. "Nothing," they said in unison and more than a little haste.
Kuina frowned and folded her arms. "You may have improved with your swords, but you're still a terrible liar. Both of you."
-o-
"—but the year went by, and none of the king's wives had a child!" The younger Usopp paused dramatically before rushing on with his story. His elder counterpart and their mother shot him amused looks.
"Yet when the king came in the next day, the eldest of his wives informed him that he now had a beautiful daughter. He was delighted. But when he asked to see the child, his wives wouldn't let him. It was not a human child that had been born in the nursery that morning, but a small, white kitten. When pressed, his wives told the king that he couldn't see his daughter because it had been foretold that if any man should look upon her before her wedding day, the princess would die a terrible death."
"Many years passed. The feline princess grew up into a beautiful cat under the care of the king's wives. Soon, the time came for the wives to seek a husband for their precious daughter. But where would they find a prince willing to wed a cat? It took a year and a day of scouring the land, but finally they found a lad who would do as they asked."
"The prince married the cat, and continued to find excuses to look after her in secret, as the wives had done. By this point, the king was anxious and restless, having had a daughter for fifteen years without laying eyes on her. He demanded to see the girl, but the prince continued to deny him."
"One day, a watching goddess saw the white cat crying in her room. Full of pity and confusion, the goddess descended to ask what was wrong. The cat princess lamented that she was forever trapped in that room and could do nothing to help the increasingly harried prince. She loved him as much as a cat could love a human and wished she could in some way lessen his burdens."
"Touched by the cat's story, the goddess brought her a magical fruit. One bite, she told the princess, would be enough to turn her into a human girl- albeit one with animal traits, that her prince might still recognize her. The cat princess didn't need to think; she thanked the goddess and immediately took that fateful bite. Seconds later, footsteps came stomping down the hall. The goddess vanished as the door opened."
"Imagine the prince's surprise when he opened the door to find not the cat he'd married, but a lovely girl wrapped in white cloth. At first, he was enraged, demanding to know what had happened to his precious feline. But the princess wept and told him of what had occurred, pointing out patches of white fur on her shoulders and back that showed what she had been."
"Once over his shock, the prince was delighted. He and the princess spent many days together, getting to know one another in truth and falling in love as humans do. Eventually, the prince brought his beloved to meet her supposed father- and thus, even the king got his happily ever after."
"That was great." The elder Usopp applauded briefly before puffing out his chest. "But wait til you hear mine!"