Sanji sighed as he put the finishing touches on the most dangerous meal suitable for human consumption that he had ever prepared, sealing it shut before turning back to the helmsgirl in the kitchen.
"OK…could you run this by me again, because I still don't get it," Sanji said, eye twitching at the orange and gray duffle bag Merry was fiddling with.
"I'm getting supplies from everyone for emergency care packages, which I'm putting together just in case we run into someone like Shiki and wind up separated for an unknown amount of time again," the ex-caravel explained.
"Yeah, I got that part." Sanji sighed out a cloud of smoke so that he could start on another drag, hoping that this would be the lungful that killed his migraine. "A little overblown, I think, but better not to take any chances."
"And it's just a chance, of course, so all we're doing is planning for the worst possible situation. And I'm focusing all of my attention on Luffy first since he's the strongest."
"And while it's the biggest challenge I've had since your diet, I've got it done; it'll stay good for at least three months, and it'll do what it needs to if it comes to that," Sanji responded. "I got that part, too."
"Then what are you confused about?" Merry asked in slightly annoyed confusion.
"That," the chef snorted as he jabbed his cigarette at the bag. "Explain to me again exactly what that is?"
"Ohh," Merry nodded. "OK, it's like this: my raincoat and leggings were… mostly analogous to my hull in my ship form, so it was easiest for me to use them to focus my access to my storage. So, since I've got this new outfit now—" She flicked the brim of her cap proudly. "—I decided to turn my old one into a duffel bag that still has all of the hammerspace access I need, and I can share it with everyone else." She then grimaced in annoyance. "The only problem is that I only had enough fabric to make one bag this size; everyone else could only get these."
She held up one of several coin purses that matched the duffel's coloration; a handful were bigger than the others, but none were particularly large.
"Yeah, I get the theory behind it," Sanji ground out. "But how exactly do they still link to your storage if they're not connected to you anymore? And how did that new coat connect if your old coat is still connected?"
Merry perked up and put up a finger. "Oh, well, that's easy, see—!" And just as swiftly, her expression froze. Sanji blandly watched as she dramatically paled and was about to make a snarky comment when her white face contorted into a glower.
"Sanji, I'm warning you right now," she rumbled, her voice resonating like a battleship's timbers. "If this stops working because of you questioning it? I will end you."
So saying, she snatched the box that Sanji had prepared, stashed it in her bag, and slunk out. The chef stared after her before shaking his head and getting back to work.
Honestly, someone needed to talk to that girl. Someone other than him, because he had no idea where to even begin helping her through what was clearly a bad bout of separation anxiety brought about from that whole Strong World mess. Chopper had only just started researching mental health… the dugongs were meatheads… Vivi and Robin were still two focused on their little feud…
In the end, it boiled down to one of two people. Cross was probably the girl's closest friend, while Luffy… well, was Luffy. And with Cross blatantly stressing out over something, that left Luffy as his best option.
Lovely. Well, at least he knew Luffy would prioritize talking to Merry above anything else, including his meat obsession…
Sort of like how Cross had put whatever he was planning above eating for those first couple of days…
Thinking on it, Merry hadn't been having any troubles for the first couple of days… or even the first couple of weeks. It had started a week ago… right around the time that Cross stopped shutting himself up in the crow's nest every free minute he got.
And Merry was one of Cross's confidants.
"Damn it," the chef swore. With a growing sense of dread, he turned back to the fridge and pantry, recipes for bento boxes, not unlike those he had just prepared, forming in his mind.
-o-
Now we come to the present, two days after that. The first noteworthy occurrence of this day found me hoping all the more that I would somehow run into Tashigi soon, especially since we'd come across the last real threat between Sabaody and us. If the way Nami's clouds were collaborating with Sunny's rigging in an attempt to strangle me was any indication, neither she nor our ship was particularly happy about me forgetting about the Sea Snake Currents. Nor, for that matter, was anyone else.
"JEREMIAH CROSS, THE SECOND THE WIND ISN'T LIABLE TO BLOW ME BACK TO THE WEST BLUE, I'M GOING TO PUT YOU THROUGH THE DECK OF YOUR SHIP!" Valentine shrieked from the deck of the Cannibal, her threat slightly diminished by how she was being used to anchor a good dozen ropes at once.
"GET IN LINE, VALENTINE!" Vivi roared back, her arms swinging in an almost demented dance to shanghai the gales in our ships' vicinity into not sinking us to the sea floor. "AND TRUST ME, IT IS A DAMN LONG ONE!"
"OH, SUE ME, YOU BLUE-HAIRED BIMBO!" I roared right back, absolutely refusing to take this kind of shit. "ONE WEATHER-EVENT THAT SLIPS MY MIND, ONE! IT WAS BARELY EVEN A DAMN PAGE! IF ANYONE SHOULD BE COMPLAINING, IT'S US ABOUT HOW OUR NEW LOGIA IS MORE USELESS THAN—!"
"The schmuck who should be pulling levers instead of running his mouth?" Merry inquired tersely as she steadfastly wrestled with the helm.
"Ugh, right," I grunted, getting back to tugging on whatever Merry identified, a job I'd been assigned after the third time the rigging yanked me off my feet.
It really said a lot about the Straw Hat Pirates, not to mention Paradise in general, that a cluster of apparently autonomous ocean currents that wove and moved like snakes, bigger than Nola, was a freaking footnote in the story. I probably would have spared more time to marvel at the whole thing, sights and experience alike, if it weren't for just how crazy it was being smack-dab in the middle of it.
And the worst part, of course, was that we couldn't just coast our way up one of the tallest serpents and fly away with a Coup de Burst. Doing so would have meant leaving the Barto Club behind, and it wasn't like we could attach them to us and fly away; no matter how much we tried to bind the ships with our Devil Fruit users, Coup de Burst was by design a maneuver that would inflict heavy damage on any ship that tried it unless it was made of Adam wood, and I seriously doubted either Merry or Sunny would have been okay with cracking another ship's keel.
Well, unless it was flying white and blue, but you get the general idea.
Anyway, that was only scratching the surface of the problems sailing alongside a friend had gained us. Too close, we swapped paint, and too far, we'd lose contact up until Sabaody; as it was, it was a struggle even with Soundbite's help. This was definitely one of the greatest tests of our sailing expertise yet!
"Meaning that if Barto says even one word about his granny, I'm going to bash his head in with a—!" I cut my grumbling short with a confused blink. "Wait, how do I—?"
"Duck!"
WHAM!
"GAH, MOTHER!" I roared, shooting a particularly vicious glare at Merry while clutching my new pully-made lump. "Watch it, half-pint, I can either help you or throttle you, and there is a thin line between the two!"
"NOT—GUH—ME!" Merry bit out, bodily wrestling with the particularly uncooperative wheel. Her eyes shot wide in terrified realization. "SOMETHING'S WRONG! I CAN'T CONTROL WHERE SUNNY'S GOING! IT'S LIKE HE'S CAUGHT IN A—wuh-oh."
I slammed my forehead into the helm's spokes with a groan, refusing to look behind me as I recognized that tone of voice. "Don't tell me: we're being sucked into a gigantic whirlpool," I sighed.
"Yep," Nami calmly confirmed from her position right behind Sunny's mane.
"Sharp rocks at the bottom?"
"You already did this bit in Drum!" Usopp hollered down from atop the masts.
"If you don't have a solution, cram it and let us have our jokes!" I hollered back.
"I HAVE ONE!"
All eyes fell on Donny, who was gesturing to the Monster Trio and his master. "If two of them can punch a tunnel through a tsunami, what can all four of them do?"
For a long moment, the only sound on board was the creaking of the Sunny and the roar of the whirlpool. And then, as one, everyone turned towards the whirlpool, matching grins on their faces.
"Well, recquiescat in pace and all that rot," Robin remarked, leaning against the railing with infuriating ease. "Cross, make sure you get a Vision Dial shot of this."
"Bitch, please," I scoffed, waving around my already-readied Dial en lieu of my middle finger.
"Come on, boys!" Boss pounded his flippers eagerly, a grin stretching from ear to ear. "Whaddaya say we teach the ocean who's in charge?!"
"Right! Let's filet these currents!" Sanji nodded proudly, scraping his heel across the deck and building up a moderate glow in his leg.
"Let's get this over with. You morons are keeping me up with this nonsense." Zoro was far more restrained as he unsheathed his blades and held them at the ready. "Seriously, couldn't you have—?"
"Don't even think about it," Nami and Vivi snarled in synch, the navigator's threat emphasized by a rumble of her own personal thunderhead and the princess's by her sheer force of will.
Zoro flinched at that particularly well-enforced command for all of one second before rolling his eyes and brushing it off. "Like either of you would be able to stop me," he responded.
The veiled message drew dark looks from the crew, but fortunately, our captain broke the tension, as he was so very wont to do.
"Hey, guys, hang on a second!" Luffy protested. "We can't do it yet! We have to come up with a name first!"
"SKIP IT!" shot back several of the crew, including me and several of the Barto Club.
"Just wing it, boys, we've done it before," Boss scoffed, pounding his wrists together as he prepared for his ultimate technique.
Luffy considered it for a moment longer before shrugging indifferently. "Eh, fine." He started swinging his fists. "Gum-Gum…"
"Full-Shell Style…"
"600 Calibre…"
"Flaming…"
And then, as one, the Monster Trio and—oh, screw it, the Monster Quartet blasted out their combined attacks at the water. "CANNON!"
The burst of air dwarfed even Franky's Coup de Vent, and no matter how awkward the name may have been, the results were too epic to care: the aquatic serpent's nest fell still around us.
…For all of ten seconds before the waters started to churn again.
"Let's get out of here!" Su demanded in panic.
"Uh…" Nami hesitated as she watched the currents rouse themselves again, and then that hesitation evolved into straight-up terror. "I-I can't see a way out! All the currents lead back here, and we can't sail out fast enough before they drag us right back in! We're trapped!"
"Are you telling me…" I said, my voice low and dangerous. "That we got so caught up in the awesomeness of step one that we forgot to plan out step two? Aren't we smarter than this?"
"Apparently not," Donny sighed regretfully.
"Well, I wouldn't say that," Robin simpered.
"A lifetime of natural training shows through again," Goldenweek added through a rice cracker from under the cover of our pavilion. "Still, it does feel nice to hold our own for once."
"Come again, half-pint?" Vivi tersely queried.
The painter summarily ignored her ex-subordinate in favour of addressing the crewmate sitting next to her. "How's our way out, Apis?"
"Any second now," Apis muttered, biting her thumb as she looked over the roiling waters.
I looked over the edge of the foredeck down at her. "Something you're not telling us?"
"Just need a little more time," the dragon priestess-in-taming muttered.
"Seriously, what are you—?!"
"Moooo!"
SPLASH!
"Whoa!" I jerked away from the edge where the erstwhile attack steer of the Arlong Pirates and a sizable group of assorted aqua-animal titans surfaced among the stirring sea snakes, gazing curiously at us.
"Don't need to tell you what we need to do, do we?!" Barto shouted at them, hauling a hefty towline to the prow of the Cannibal.
"I could use a clue!" Mikey shamelessly stated.
THWACK!
"OW! WHY DOES CROSS GET TO JOKE ABOUT THIS AND I DON'T?!"
"SHUT UP AND GET THE DAMN ROPE, DINGUS!" Boss and Raphey furiously ordered.
"BELAY THAT!" Merry hollered.
The Dugongs froze, while ropes flew from the Cannibal around the sea beasts' necks and Barrier harnesses formed for them to bite on.
"She's right! You guys may be strong, but my friends are bigger and more experienced with the Grand Line's currents!" Apis called.
"Not what I meant!" Merry replied, ignoring the Dugongs' reactions. "Now that you guys have got your way out, we don't have to hold back ours! Furl the sails! Time to activate Channel 0!"
"Oh, yeah, the paddle engines! Alright, secure the sails and stand by to attack the snakes!" Nami ordered, turning her attention fully to the currents.
Everyone on the crew, aside from Brook and Billy, thinking back to our first usage of the paddles in the lead-up to the Accino fiasco, either took our places on the sides of the ship or accelerated Merry's efforts to furl the sails.
"Er, pardon my confusion, but the paddle what-nows?" Brook inquired, even as he too went to work manipulating Sunny's rigging.
"Heheheh," Franky chuckled proudly, thumbing his sunglasses up his nose. "Watch and learn, grandpa. You think you already know why Sunny's the King of the Seas, but the truth is? You've only seen the start of what our ship's got to offer in his arsenal! The Burst was one thing, and this? This is another!"
And with that, our shipwright slammed his forearms together. "HIT IT, LIL' SIS!" he proclaimed.
"HITTING IT, BUT REMEMBER THAT YOU DON'T GIVE ME ORDERS, IRON-SIDES!" Merry cackled, giving one of her helm's levers a sharp yank. "HERE WE GO! THOUSAND SUNNY'S SOLDIER-DOCK SYSTEM, CHANNEL ZERO!"
And with a sound of grinding wood and shifting steel, the gates on the sides of the Sunny opened and allowed the cola-powered paddles that would be the envy of any ship back on earth to deploy, tearing through the currents and keeping even pace with the Cannibal's towing party.
"BEHOLD!" the White Menace pumped her fist victoriously. "THE BANE OF ALL CURRENTS! PADDLE-SUNNY!"
"Oh, my! Oh, my!" Brook gasped, staring over the side at our lion's paws. "This is incredible! Extraordinary! Beyond all words! I—!"
"Can't believe your eyes, but you don't have any, right?" Funkfreed blandly interjected.
Immediately, Brook was on his knees, a cloud of depression over his head. "Funkfreed, you can't just steal my line like that…"
"Either come up with some new material or get a new shtick," the Zoan-weapon dismissively replied.
That show of comedy aside, the Sunny's paddles allowed us to continue onward, a few extra bursts of force here and there giving us the agility we needed to dodge the serpent currents that surfaced around us. The Cannibal was having a slightly less easy time with it; I guess Nami was even better than Sea Kings at current-reading. Or it was just their young age, one or the other.
Then one serpent current came up right in front of us.
And just as fast, a few bursts of flame shot from Conis, Sanji, and me while Zoro and Leo (for the most part) threw in some wind blasts. And given that we were already soaked from the storm, nothing really happened.
"HEY, LUFFY!" Barto called over from the prow of the Cannibal, his shark-toothed grin on full display. "YOUR CREW JUST NEVER RUNS OUT OF CRAZY NEW SHIT IT CAN PULL, DOES IT?"
"NOPE!" Luffy called back, his grin just as wide. "ISN'T IT AWESOME!?"
And with that fantastically rhetorical proclamation, our crews continued through the final stretch of Paradise.
-o-
Have any of you ever visited a place like the Grand Canyon, the Great Barrier Reef, or the Rock of Gibraltar? A grand and majestic natural edifice, celebrated the world over? And if so, have you visited it more than once? The wonder of what nature can do never really gets old, does it? Never any less incredible, never any less jaw-dropping, never any less magnificent.
So, you can imagine that coming face-to-face with the Red Line for the second time didn't make it any less incredible.
"Hello, old friend," I breathed solemnly, thumbing up the brim of my cap as I stared up and up, trying once more to see what I could not see before, what I still could not see now. And as I stared, the sea breeze licked at me, the salt wormed its way past every bandage, every barrier, into every scar, and made me feel the sting of each and every last one of them, as fresh as the days I got them.
And I revelled in every second of it.
I bared my teeth at the wall. "I've come to visit once again. And oh, the stories I have got for you."
"HEH. 'There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.' Mandela was right…" Soundbite angled his eyestalks back as he preened before the earthen horizon. "NOTHING BEATS A HOMECOMING."
"Tch. You little idiot," Nami huffed, her cloud offhandedly giving one of Soundbite's eyes a minor flick. Her eyes never left the Line, her free hand lightly running over her tattoo. "This isn't even close to a homecoming. This? This is the halfway mark."
For a moment, we were silent. And then…
"To come face to face with such a monstrous monument, that so perfectly exemplifies the might of the eternal adversary we call 'nature', while surrounded by comrades and gearing up to face it…"
"And there goes the moment," Nami sighed in defeat, shoulders slumping.
"There are no other words!" Boss continued through the interruption, leaping up and pumping his fist in the air. "IT'S A MAN'S ROMANCE!"
"GO, BOSS, GO!"
"The more things change, the more they stay the same," Vivi hummed in a wistful tone, spinning the mist about her finger.
"At weast thish ish one of thosh times thatsh a good thing!" Carue pointed out.
"No kidding," Merry breathed, staring unblinkingly at the stone. "Between the storm and the fact that I wasn't really lucid last time, I couldn't be happier about the changes."
So, all in all, the moment wasn't so much over as warped around a little.
…still nice, though.
-o-
"A new perspective… new train of thoughts… new set of emotions…" Goldenweek wheezed through clenched teeth, fingers scrabbling at her side and pupils blown wide. "Need paint. Brown. Lots of it, in so many different shades… need it now!"
"And we've lost our navigator," 5 grunted in clear dismay.
Goldenweek picked that moment to shuffle away, still in a daze. "I'll go and make sure she doesn't walk off the ship in a stupor," Valentine sighed, striding after the young painter. "Again."
"Wow… and to think I was living barely even a day's sail away from this…" Apis breathed before looking up at her twice-oldest friend. "Lindy… you've probably seen this more times than you can count, right?"
"A few centuries can wear away some of the shock, milady…" the dragon grumbled, shaking his hide dismissively. "But, at the same time, we Millennial Dragons all agree that there remains a…" He nodded his head, a wry grin splitting his muzzle. "Comfort, I suppose, to see this mass of stone remain constant as the world changes around it. To know there's something else in the world that's eternal, aside from us. Something that, when we're long gone, will still stand proud and unbowed."
Apis smiled fondly and idly ran her fingers across his scales, though without taking her eyes off the colossal stone mass.
"At the same time, though… it's just a really big rock that goes close to space," Lindy added.
"Well, take it in, everyone: as long as Goldenweek is still painting, we're not going anywhere," Bartolomeo said, his grin making it clear that he had no problem with that. He then waved his hand at the neighbouring ship. "We've done our share of nutso adventuring up and down the Grand Line. For now, it's the Straw Hats' turn."
"Aye-aye to that, Captain." Gin toasted his flask at the Barrier-Man with a grateful grin. "Aye-aye to that."
-o-
While marvelling was all well and good, eventually I left the rest of the crew to sequester myself in the dining room with a mug of cola; one of the comments had shaken me and reminded me of something I had wanted to put off until the last minute.
But now, that last minute was here, and I couldn't wait any longer. And so here I was, waiting for my opportunity to talk to Luffy.
This was between the captain and me, after—well, I flinched slightly as I reminded myself of the facts, between the captain and me and one other, but given the circumstances… Anyway, back on topic. Those who knew about Kuma were smart enough to put the pieces together themselves if they were inclined to do so, but if they didn't, so much the better. I did not want any bias or pressure in this situation. I made this mess, and I had to fix it.
The minutes ticked by, Soundbite relaying me the crew musing outside over the needle pointing to the seafloor…
"…same problem we had with Skypiea. We know where we need to go, but not how to get there."
"And by 'we,' you mean—wait a second, where did Cross go?" Merry asked, a slight hint of panic in her voice.
I patiently rapped my knuckles on the table.
"Oh, kitchen, got it. Well, if you're listening, could you—?"
This time, I tapped my finger.
"Uh… Guess… nooot. Luffy, Cross wants to talk."
I double-tapped my finger.
"Now, Cross wants to talk now."
I heard the rubber man grunt, followed by the stretch of a pair of giant rubber bands. In no time at all, Luffy stepped inside and closed the door behind him.
"Hey, Cross, what's—" Luffy's expression changed mid-sentence, his face hardening at the sight of my own. "What is it, Cross?"
I didn't answer for a moment, staring at him before taking a deep pull from my mug. And then, my nerves as steeled as they were going to get, I looked him in the eye. "Luffy… your crewmates' happiness is the most important thing to you, right?"
Luffy's brow furrowed in incredulity, but he nodded.
I clenched my jaw slightly. "And does that include allowing them to leave the crew if they wanted to? If they never really wanted to join in the first place?"
"What?!" Luffy shouted. "What are you talking about, Cross? Everyone here joined because—oh." He cut himself off, grimacing again. I could almost see the connections sparking in his mind. "What are you trying to say, Cross?"
I let out a hissing sigh and closed my eyes. "Pardon the wholly necessary vagueness, Captain Luffy, but… in the very near future, an opportunity is going to present itself. An opportunity that will give Vivi the choice that the World Government stripped away from her: stay with our crew…" My expression tightened. "Or return home."
I opened my eyes and locked them with Luffy's. "Captain, I know that none of us would be happy to see her go, but she deserves the chance to choose, free of expectations. I want to tell her that whatever she decides, we'll accept. But a pirate isn't allowed to leave their crew without the captain's consent. So… I'm asking you if I can tell Vivi, when the time comes, that she and Carue have your full permission to leave the crew and return to Alabasta if that's what she wants."
Luffy's straw hat shadowed his eyes, but I could still see his frown. It was a full minute before he looked up again. "When you tell her, tell her that no matter what she chooses, both of them will always have a place on our crew."
I smiled, bittersweet as all else. "Never would have thought different, Captain. Now then!" I clapped my hands together as I shoved off from the table and made for the door. "Let's see about getting ourselves onto the next leg, shall we?"
With that done, I slammed the door open, ducked under the trio of projectiles that were flung at me with cries of "WATCH IT, BASTARD!" and pounded my knuckles together. "BOSS! Front and center!"
The dugong was before me in an instant. "Aye, sir?" the elder amphibian asked expectantly.
I smirked. "Gather your boys and dive, ASAP. You're all going fishing."
Boss perked up, quirking his eyeridge… well, quizzically. "Ohoh? What's the request, light brunch or is the captain in on this feast?"
"Oh, big game, my friend, big game."
"Ohoh?" Interest gleamed in Boss's eye, and I prepared to elaborate—
"Hold it."
—When, of course, Vivi interrupted my fun with a tap on my shoulder.
"Just how necessary, exactly, is this expedition?" she asked primly.
"Let me answer your question with a question," I replied with just as much decorum. "How much do you want to get to Fishman Island without swimming all the way there? And how much do you want to go down in the Shark Submersible and act as bait yourself?"
"Carry on," Vivi replied with an offhand wave.
I chuckled as I turned back to Boss. "Alright, where was I?"
"The point where I was liking this request more and more!" Boss chuffed out a ring of smoke as he eagerly wrung his flippers. "Anything special we should be looking for?"
I spread my hands demonstratively. "Five klicks down and sporting some big—!"
"MEATY CLAWS!"
I felt my jaw twitch and clench at that particular reminder of what was to come. "…fangs. Big fangs. And I mean by Sea King standards, got it?"
"Yep! Bo-oys!" The guard promptly assembled behind him, ready and raring to go. "We'll have it up for you in no time, just you see! Heck, want us to slice it up a little for you while we're down there?"
"Gah, nonono!" I waved my hands frantically on account of suddenly having that stuck in my head. "Thanks for bringing that up, because no! We don't need it alive, but we do need it intact, got it? Intact."
Boss paused, cigar bobbing slightly. "That… does make things a tad more complicated, doesn't it? But!" He clapped his flippers proudly. "Challenges are what keep life interesting, right, boys?"
"With all due respect, sir?" Raphey replied in a strained tone. "Go suck on a gooseneck."
THWACK!
"GAH!"
SPLASH!
"So noted," Boss growled as half his cigar fell to the deck, his knuckles still smoking from punching his disciple clean off the ship. He then cast a glare over his shoulder at the other three. "Anyone else have something they want to say, with all due respect?"
SP-SP-SPLASH!
I smirked, eyeing the trench the dugongs had dug in the lawn. "You've trained them well, Boss."
"Ohohoh, nononooo," Boss said as he casually hopped up onto the balustrade. "I didn't train even a twitch of that into them." He cast a final smirk at me. "They just know better, is all."
And with that, he dove off the edge and was gone.
Once the ripples from the Dugongs' descent vanished, I hung my head and brought my hand up to press the knuckles against my forehead. "Of course, all of this is assuming that I haven't changed the world enough so that our future friends aren't trapped in said Sea King's stomach, and with how minor a detail it is and how double-sided our luck can be, that is entirely possible," I muttered to myself. I mulled on that for a second more before slowly starting to massage my face, groaning even more. "Then again, Hanlon's Razor."
"Hm? Hanlon's Razor?" Conis queried innocently from where she was performing her daily maintenance of our armaments. "What's that?"
"YE OLDE APHORISM FROM CROSS'S WORLD," Soundbite explained. "BASICALLY, never attribute to malice WHAT CAN BE ADEQUATELY EXPLAINED THROUGH—!"
KER-SPLASH! "GRO-ROOOAAAR!"
The snail's explanation was suddenly cut off by—what else—the very subject of our discussion breaking the surface of the waves in all its floppy-eared, buck-toothed 'glory', for lack of a better word, roaring and snarling and thrashing and very noticeably not dead/K.O.!
"Oh, for the love of… HEY, BOSS! WHAT'S THE HOLDUP!?" I shouted out over the water, pointedly ignoring the overgrown and undercooked barbecue meal. "IF YOU'VE ALREADY FOUND THE DAMN THING, THEN JUST PUNT ITS SKULL IN AND GET IT OVER WITH!"
"GIVE US A SECOND, WOULD YA?!" Donny shouted as he surfaced right next to the Sunny, nursing a veritable puzzle of bruises. "JUST BECAUSE WE MAKE THIS LOOK EASY DOESN'T MEAN IT'S DAMN EFFORTLESS! Though admittedly, we are close. OI!" He focused on the water. "PULL!"
We all looked down in confusion, the rabbit Sea King actually joining us in the motion—
THWACK! "GRGHK!?"
—and receiving a hefty chunk of reef between his jaws for the trouble.
"Speaking from experience here: that is not a good feeling to have in your teeth," Luffy winced.
"I'm not even going to ask," Franky sighed, prompting several nods of agreement.
"Now for the big finish!" Mikey said eagerly as the TDWS jumped back on board. Boss, meanwhile, flew out of the water toward the poor, doomed rabbit. Then he began spinning like Sanji, winding up for a Concassé.
"Half-Shell Style… REEF STOMP!"
And with that final roar, the dugong slammed his aquatic lower half on the rabbit's skull, hard. And with the coral between its jaws?
CRACK!
"Owww," Billy winced, rubbing his beak sympathetically as the rabbit's eyes went white. Its form slumped over in the water as shards of coral and… I'll just be discreet and say calcium crumbled out of its slackened mouth. "That has gotta hurt."
"That was the plan!" Boss barked as he flipped onto the deck, chest proudly puffed out. "Now, Mikey!" He snapped his 'fingers' and pointed at the groaning aqua-rabbit. "Make 'er blow."
"AYE-AYE, SIR!" the orange-bandana'd dugong proclaimed, leaping at the Sea King with his weapon brandished. "Now, eat my chucks!"
SLAM!
I winced as Mikey rammed said chucks into the Sea King's gut, causing it to double over in agony. "Eesh, don't know what hurt worse, seeing the poor thing getting ready to ralph, or that god-awful quip."
"Oh, piss off, you try coming up with this stuff on the fly," Mikey sniffed as he landed beside me, brushing off his non-existent sleeves.
"Came up with 'Gastro-Blast' within ten seconds of first using it."
"I reiterate: Piss. Off."
I rolled my eyes, but instead of responding, I scowled and leaned over the edge of the ship. "HEY! BIG, TOOTHLESS, AND UGLY! WE DON'T WANT YOU, WE WANT YOUR LUNCH! COUGH IT UP, AND YOU'LL LIVE TO GUM ANOTHER GALLEON!"
The rabbit froze, its watery eyes turning toward me and narrowing. Then its expression contorted into sweat-dripping nervousness as it presumably eyed the ones behind me. More specifically, the eager lip-licking I could hear from Luffy's position. Grimacing, it stopped holding back and started actively lurching forward in its dry heaves.
"Uh, Cross?" Sanji said, warily eyeing the Sea King. "Not to doubt you…"
"But you have some serious questions about this whole thing," I finished for him.
"You had the dugongs hunt down a Sea King, apparently for the sole purpose of making it blow chunks." Sanji grimaced, waving his hand at the still-retching beast. "How could whatever this thing possibly ate help us get to Fishman Island?!"
"Simple enough, really," I said with a pleasant smile. "It's not a 'whatever' that ugly over there ate, but a 'whoever'."
Nami snapped her head my direction, confusion written on her features. "Wait, a fishman got eaten by a Sea King?! They'd never go down their gullet alive, it's considered the most embarrassing way to die!"
"Right species~" I sang. "Wrong end of the spectrum. Flip. Everything."
It took only a moment's thought for Nami and Sanji to both stiffen up in realization.
"You mean…" Nami started slowly.
"It ate—!?" Sanji breathed.
At that instant, the Sea King hocked up its lunch—and all of Sanji's objections died, right there. As did most of his higher brain functions… and my sinuses, god, what did that thing eat, island whale ambergris!?
Anyway, along with the mess was a pair of living creatures. One was star-shaped with a hat and a face. The other was green-haired, wearing a yellow-and-dark-pink (almost red) shirt. And a lower body covered in pink scales. And given the force with which the Sea King spat them out, they were flying directly towards us.
It was one hell of a leap, to be honest. Beautiful, admirable, awe-inspiring—!
And then they both slammed face-first into both of our masts.
"Owww," Billy said again, draping one wing over his eyes and glancing away as they peeled off. "Should someone catch them?"
"YES!" Sanji declared, darting below Camie and spreading his arms wide.
I took one look at the arrangement and pinched my nose in despair. "Right. Chopper? I'd recommend grabbing whatever treatments for anemia you have on hand."
"WHAT? They need blood?! Why didn't you say so before—?!" Chopper yelped hysterically, scrambling left and right in a panic.
"Not for them," I interrupted, jerking a thumb at Sanji. "For him."
"Eh? What are you—?" Chopper froze, his pupils glowing in realization. "Oooh. Got it."
A second later, our cook's nearest, dearest and most sacred of all wishes, a wish shared by most all of mankind, even, came true: a mermaid, an actual, honest-to-God mermaid, literally dropped into his arms.
"GWAH!" SPLAT!
And a starfish splatted onto our pavilion's roof, but who cares about that?
Camie blinked blearily for a moment, obviously having a harder time shaking off her concussion than our crew. Soon enough, though, her eyes focused enough to lock onto Sanji's face and—her gaze became dreamy!? "You saved me," she crooned, reaching out to caress his face. "How can I ever—?"
And that's as far as things got before the inevitable occurred.
SPLURT!
"GYAGH!"
"Oh, lordy," I winced sympathetically. Seriously, on this crew, you got used to seeing inordinate amounts of blood, but so rarely is it in a situation that is so… ugh. And it didn't help that the three people on board who shared Sanji's blood type were his rival, a tyke whose blood was probably toxic with her diet, and someone who may or may not weaken Sanji by sharing blood with him.
…No, I don't keep track of everyone's blood types, but the ones who share mine stick out in my mind, especially seeing as I had a one-in-three chance of getting alcoholism, perversion, or who-the-hell-knows from them.
"Moooo?"/"Groargh?"
I snapped a glare at the sea beasts that were sniffing around inquisitively. "Beat it before our chef gets a transfusion and bakes you into surf-based gumbo."
"GRAO!"
That sent them running, but good.
"And someone get her a towel already!" I ordered. "We're going to be here awhile."
"Hey, guys, how much longer—HOLY CRAP IS THAT A MERMAID?!"
"A long while," I repeated, resigned.
-o-
Cutting ahead for the sake of sanity, it thankfully didn't take long for Camie to towel off (and repress that little incident), for Papugg to get his cartilaginous head back on straight, and for everyone on both ships to assemble around our new guests.
It did take us a fair bit to punt off the more ogle-y of the Barto-bastards, even with Gin and Ever's help.
Not that I could really blame them for that, mind you. 'Cause, well… remember how way back on Jaya I deduced that a lot of fishman racism was due to uncanny valley? Well, I can now confirm that, after getting a look at a mermaid that Father Time hadn't gotten his hands on, it worked in reverse for mermaids.
See, I'm not someone who would go all "HEL-LO, NURSE!" at a pretty girl. To be completely frank, I hadn't really understood what it was about the idea of mermaids that made them so much of a man's romance. And I wasn't about to fall head over heels for Camie, either.
But as before, it made a lot more sense when you weren't seeing it through ink and paper. Camie was, to be generous, above average in attractiveness and clearly not overly concerned about her looks. But, where in fishmen the tiny details made them just inhuman enough to trigger all the wrong signals, apparently in mermaids, those differences triggered all the right ones. Cheekbones, jawline, skin tone, even the glimmer of her scales, were beautiful beyond any fish I'd seen thus far, making for an overall vision of beauty that, while not remotely justifying Sabaody, did explain a hell of a lot.
Made me wonder what the island itself would be like. Of course, that was still a long way and a heck of a lot of effort away, but hey, a guy could dream.
"Sorry about earlier…" the mermaid said, rubbing her head sheepishly… and also towelling off some of the last of the blood on her. "It just felt like I had fallen right into a scene from The Little Mermaid, and I couldn't help myself."
"SO, would that make you ARIEL?" Soundbite snarked.
"Of course! All mermaids dream of being just like Ariel," Camie sighed wistfully.
"Of course they—! Uh, wait…" the snail narrowed his eyes in confusion. "CONSIDERING THE HUMAN-MER RELATIONS, WHY THE HELL—? Say, what's the story about, exactly?"
"Oh, it's a wonderful tale of romance and adventure, and love triumphing over the barrier of land and sea!" Camie crooned.
"But that still doesn't make—"
"I think my favourite bit was when the Sea Kings ripped the evil slave merchants to shreds!"
"…MIGHT be thinking of a different story."
"Mmph. Well, the romance issue is all on him, not you," Franky snorted, jabbing his thumb at a recovering Sanji, which prompted a round of nods from most of us and a flurry of curses from him. "Anyway, nice to meet you, but who the hell are you?" The conk Robin's autonomous arm delivered to the back of his head was ignored.
"And if you don't mind me asking, what kind of mermaid are you?" Conis inquired with innocent curiosity.
"And, just asking for a friend, how long do we need to cook you for maximum savoriness?" Su inquired not so innocently.
THWACK! "YIPE!"
An inquiry that Conis thankfully repaid with a quick swat.
"OH! I'm sorry, I completely forgot!" the mermaid exclaimed, straightening up into the closest semblance of standing she could manage. "My name is Camie. And no, I don't mind; I'm a kissing gourami mermaid." She bowed politely, an honest grin on her face. "It's very nice to make your acquaintances!"
"Ohoho no, trust me, it's our plea—!" THWACK! "YEARGH! WATCH IT!" Barto snapped at Ever, who simply grinned and made a show of rubbing her knuckles.
"Hi, Camie! It's nice to meet you!" our captain proclaimed enthusiastically, walking up to her and sticking out his hand. "I'm Luffy!"
The mermaid gasped in surprise. "Oh, wow, is that really your name?"
"Recognition in three, two—" Funkfreed counted down.
"Don't hold your breath," I warned.
"You've got the same name as Straw Hat Luffy!" Camie 'deduced', eyes sparkling.
The elephant's jaw tipped open, one eye twitching and both staring unblinkingly at the mermaid.
"Actually, I am Straw Hat Luffy!" Luffy clarified, through either unwavering patience or total obliviousness.
"Really? That's so—WHAAA!?"
Remember what I said about understanding the beauty of mermaids? That does not by any means extend to when they make shocked faces that have no right to rival Enel's yet do.
"…Soundbite," Franky grunted. "That last word in that Razor thing wouldn't happen to be 'stupidity', would it?"
"However did you guess?" the snail crooned.
In response, the cyborg posed another question to our guest. "Hey, just wonderin', but how'd you, of all people, get eaten by a Sea King? I thought mermaids were supposed to be the fastest swimmers in the world."
"Hm?" Camie looked over at him, her shock completely forgotten. "Oh, I was chasing after an octopus and accidentally swam into the beast's mouth! It's really more common than you'd think. This makes about 20 times that I've been eaten."
"Call it a hunch," Franky remarked in my general direction.
"But, wait…" Camie said, also turning toward me with wide, sparkling eyes. "A talking snail… that would mean you're Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite?!"
"A pleasure to meet you, I assure you," I said, bowing with as much pomp as I could muster. "Always an honour to meet a loyal fan! Autographs are a thousand beris each." Suddenly, clouds delivered me some shade. Dark, angry clouds. "Ten thousand beris?"
THWACK!
Now I actually did twitch as Robin chopped the back of my head from a few feet away. "Five hundred."
THOCK!
"OOF! FINE, FREE!" I snarled at Vivi, rubbing my side where she'd elbowed me. "JUST STOP HITTING ME!"
TH-WAP!
I growled as I clutched Raphey's sai in my grip. "You have one chance to tell me why."
"Everyone else was doing it?" she tried. The complete unrepentance in her answer lasted long enough for me to haul her off the deck and wind up for a punt. Maybe, if I were pissed enough, I could actually hit the Red Line. Shoot for the horizon and all that! "And I wanted to remind you that seeing as we're at the Line, our hitchhiker—!?"
I paused and blinked as I considered that factoid. "Huh, good point. Go get him, would you?"
"Oh, yeah, sure—!"
THWACK!
"JACKAAAASS!" she howled as she arced to the other end of the Sunny.
I dusted off my hands and lowered my foot with a contented smirk. "Well, that was fun. Now, where were we?"
"Oh, fair maiden of the seas~!"
"Of course, how could I forget?" I smoothly stepped aside, allowing the Love Hurricane to bluster by unimpeded. I was tempted to try to trip him up, but I abstained on account of not exactly being eager to get my leg ripped off by his momentum.
"To finally meet a mermaid, the fairest jewel of all the oceans, the dream of all mankind! Oh joyous day, oh joyous day!" Sanji cheered, more lovesick than I'd seen him be in weeks. He veritably blurred with excitement and radiated hearts like an enamoured rod of uranium.
Camie leaned back slightly, eyes wide. "Uh…"
"You get used to him," Merry smoothly offered.
"She's lying," Ever countered.
Any further commentary from the peanut gallery was interrupted by Sanji melting down harder than when he'd gotten into a fight with Zoro not thirty minutes ago, directed at the heavens above. "WHO'RE THE BASTARDS THAT DARE TO COMPARE SUCH FLAWLESS APHRODITES TO THE WRETCHED COWS OF THE SEA!?"
"Those who've seen Granny Kokoro," Su snarked.
"HWEEHWEEHWEE! Man, that's just mean!" Lassoo snickered to himself. "True, but mean."
I wasn't honestly sure if he meant the insult to Franky's surrogate mother (not that he wasn't nodding in agreement, mind you) or the PTSD attack that the comment sent Sanji into.
"Oh, oh, are we asking her questions now! My turn, my turn!" I surreptitiously stepped well away from Luffy as he raised his hand, casting pointedly un-subtle glances at my more… sensible crewmates. "I'm just wondering, cause you're part fish and everything… how do—?"
"GET HIM!"
"GWAGH!" Luffy was promptly and literally choked off by Nami, Sanji, Conis, and half of the TDWS, tackling him and doing their best to tie him into a pretzel.
"Uhh…" Camie, bless her dangerously naïve heart, tilted her head in innocent confusion. "Are they playing a game?"
"Tsk tsk tsk." Brook shook his head in chastisement, somehow clicking his nonexistent tongue. "Youngsters, so very unrefined. Not a hint of manners in them! Now then!" He spun and addressed Camie, doffing his top hat with the most proper of decorum. "If you don't mind, milady, might I…" The skeleton trailed off, giving Camie a slow, deliberate once-over before coughing into his fist. "My apologies, I realize that what I was about to ask was out of line. Let me try again: May I borrow some money—GRK!?" Brook suddenly choked, clawing at his neck(bones) in panic. "Can't! Breathe!"
I caught sight of Robin leaning in close to Vivi, who was scowling and strangling the air. "How are you accomplishing that when he doesn't have any lungs?"
"Don't know, don't question it and make it stop working," the princess growled back.
Camie, meanwhile, still showed a considerable nonchalance towards our crew's madness. She blinked at Brook before smiling and reaching over her shoulder to rifle through her bag. "Oh, you need money? Sure, that's the least I can do for you!" She brought her arm back out and flashed a wad of berries!? "How much do you need?"
"What the—?!" I squawked, but before I could properly react, Barto's forcefield-arm reached past us and swiped the roll of cash from the mermaid's hands.
The captain loosed a low whistle as he thumbed through the bundle. "Holy cow, this is real! Impressive!" Barto then… stuffed the bundle in his back pocket without even missing a beat, because of course.
A roll of her eyes, and Nami promptly tossed the very same bundle back to Camie. "I think this belongs to you," she drawled.
"Hey, this looks like my money!" Camie exclaimed in surprise. And then she promptly flipped out. "WAIT, THIS IS MY MONEY!"
"Wha—how the hell!?" Barto yowled, patting his pockets down in panicked confusion. "My wallet's gone, too!"
"Idiot tax." Nami waved him off before turning a cocked brow on Camie. "But still, I am curious: what's a nice girl like you doing with that much money? You're not doing anything… unsavory are you?" She leaned in with a sharp grin. "And if you are, can I get in on—AGH!"
"Down, girl," I tsked, yanking her back by her ear.
"Oh, nonono, it's nothing like that, I assure you!" Camie cut in, waving her hands in denial. "I work at a seafaring restaurant, gathering the ingredients we need. Business has been booming lately, and I've got a lot of extra cash on hand because of it. We've been expanding into a few different kinds of seafood, but our focus and our biggest hit is still takoyaki."
"A seafaring restaurant?" Sanji perked up, his attention thankfully much less perverse this time, though one of his eyes was still a heart. But still, little progress is progress. "Any chance I could get a look at the recipes sometime?
"Someone talking about food?" Raphey piped in, of course choosing that exact moment to rejoin us. In her flippers, she was carrying a large, upside-down samurai helmet, within which was a sizeable, wriggling mass of tentacles.
Camie perked up at the sight, reaching down to rifle through her bag again. "Oh, is that an octopus? That's great, I can show you some of our recipes right now! Just give me somewhere to cook it up and—!"
"Whoa, what!?" Raphey yelped, jerking the helmet away from the mermaid. "Cook him!? Are you out of your mind!?"
"Uhh…" Camie paused, clearly out of her depth. "Am I… missing something?"
"I SHOULD SAY SO!" Soundbite sniffed in the snootiest tone he could muster. "'Cook him', the absolute nerve! MADAME, I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT THIS FINE, gentle cephalopod is our guest! Who we fished up in our catch a few days ago, but still."
And with that little clarification, the octopus's tentacles took hold of his helmet and flipped it out of Raphey's flippers, centring it on his bulbous brow before gurgling in a particularly chastising tone at Keimi.
"O-Oh! Oh!" the mermaid recoiled, her cheeks colouring in embarrassment. "M-My mistake, sir, so sorry, sir, won't happen again, sir! A-Ah, here!" She withdrew a slip of paper from her bag and handed it to the cephalopod. "A coupon for the esteemed marine eatery of Takoyaki—!"
"COUGH–cannibalism–COUGH!" Pappug 'subtly' coughed into one of his arms.
"Eight…" Camie lamely concluded, face paling dramatically. "Uh… we… also serve… duck eggs?"
The octopod gave the mermaid a flat glare before snatching the coupon from her hands, stuffing it away in his helmet and waddling his way to the ship's railing.
I shook my head with a weary sigh, giving the octopus an apologetic smile. "Sorry about that. Regardless of the rough ending, we hope you enjoyed your time with us and that you enjoy your time on Fishman Island, Ambassador Octarius. Give our regards to King Neptune and Shogun Octavio both!"
The glare briefly vanished, and the octopus snapped us all a salute before flipping overboard.
After a moment of silence, Pappug asked the obvious question. "…So, you wound up on good terms with the Shogun of the Surf?"
"Admiring someone who beats you instead of hating them isn't that out of the ordinary," Zoro said knowingly. "Though I still wish I'd gotten the chance to fight them. By the way…" The swordsman cocked his brow at my invertebrate. "When did you learn to speak fish, Soundbite?"
"Meh, getting there, not quite," Soundbite shrugged, though he was grinning. "BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE'S TALKING ON HIS OWN!"
"Oh, right, I forgot to introduce you!" Camie picked up the rasta-star and presented it, smiling brightly. "Everyone, this is my pet, Pappug. He's also my master, and a starfish!"
"Nice to meet you!" Pappug waved his arm in greeting.
"…Is anyone else just now realizing that we're really not questioning the fact that we're talking with a naturally speaking starfish right now?" Billy asked slowly.
"Not even top ten on our charts. This week," Apis noted.
"Honestly, I'm more concerned with the master aspect of their relationship," Ever drawled, giving the starfish a once-over.
"As in 'master and apprentice'," Pappug drawled, puffing himself up. "You guys are looking at the head designer of the Criminal fashion line, after all. This fine dear should be and is honoured to be under my tutelage!"
Nami blinked in surprise at that. Then her eyes snapped wide in shock, and she lurched—"GAH!"/"WATCH IT!"—er, make that shoved her way to the front of the crowd, her Eisen Tempo sending the unfortunates in front of her tumbling. "Wait, I know that name! Criminal is one of the major brands in the fashion world! It's sold everywhere along the Grand Line! Even a single piece goes for—uh…" She suddenly trailed off, glancing to and fro as her Eisen Tempo huddled around her, oh, that little bitch. "A-A perfectly normal and reasonable—GYEEP!"
"No, please, don't stop there," Zoro grit out, his teeth set in a twitching grin as he loomed behind her, hand planted on her shoulder.
"Yes," I hissed out in agreement, patiently tapping my finger on her other shoulder. "Do tell us just how much of our treasure, which we shed blood, sweat, and tears for, you've spent on your wardrobe."
"Ahehehe…eh…" our navigator chuckled nervously, pointedly refusing to meet our gazes. Then her mood reversed, and she snapped an accusing finger at Pappug. "Hey, if you want to blame anyone, blame him! It doesn't matter how good he is; his prices are extravagant! That little boneless fleshbag's the one with all our hard-earned gold!"
Pappug had the gall to flip his sunglasses down and raise his nonexistent chin in pride. "The beautiful young witch is right! I am indeed a very sublime starfish! Wealthy, popular, influential… why, I'll even have you know that I am personally acquainted with the beautiful Mermaid Princess Shirahoshi herself!"
A few of my crewmates shot me questioning looks, and I shook my head with the blankest expression possible. None of them was surprised.
"As such!" Pappug forged on, cupping his 'chin'. "You're all probably wondering what someone as important as I am is doing here on the surface, working at a lowly Takoyaki stand. Well, you see, the answer is… uh… is…" The starfish trailed off, his expression disturbed as he… looked at my shoulder? "I'm sorry, but is he supposed to be doing that?"
It was at that point that I became aware of what I can only now describe as a sparkling sound coming from my shoulder. Turning to look, I saw Soundbite grinning with demonic ecstasy. And he was staring straight at Pappug with positively manic glee.
Right…
"Ugh…" I groaned, reaching up to rub my forehead. "For the sake of my sanity, I have to at least try; please don't sing the entire song?"
"NEVER!" the snail dashed my hopes with a single cackling bark. "I'VE WAITED TOO LONG FOR THIS! Ooh—!"
"Hold it!" Nami interrupted with a sharp snap of her fingers right in his face. "I'm going to need a little help for this."
And with that, she wrenched herself out of mine and Zoro's hands, marched over to the pavilion, and used her Tempo to wrench out a large wooden trunk marked "Zoro's Secret Stash; You touch this, I touch you!", whose lid she threw open in spite of Zoro's indignant snarl. After several moments of rummaging and clinking glass bottles, she took out a small bottle and slammed the lid shut.
Nami held the bottle to her eye and scrutinized its faded label. "I don't know what this is, but it has three and a half out of five stars on the label, so that's either really good or really bad." She cautiously took a sip. "GAH! It tastes like pistachio ice cream, cough drops, and those 'Skittles' things Soundbite had Sanji try to whip up! And not in a good way."
And it was with that particularly appetizing statement that Nami knocked the bottle back and drained it completely.
"You raging witch-bitch!" Zoro snarled, veins pulsing in his neck.
Nami's oh-so-polite response was to flash him her middle finger. Once she finished off the bottle, she tossed it overboard with a heaving sigh. "Pah! Okay! Now that I'm sufficiently fortified—and can feel sounds—please continue, Soundbite."
Merry tilted her head inquisitively. "I thought your tolerance was best defined as 'ungodly'?"
The infamous Weather Witch donned a catty smile, just filled with innocence. "Yeah, it was. And then I joined this crew and became one of the most feared pirates on the six seas."
"Most feared rookies."
Nami's grin twitched. "Rookies that burned down the World Government's front porch."
"…POINT. ANYWAY, Ooooooooh~!"