"Well, it certainly seems like you and your boys are doing nicely," Captain Dugong stated casually, taking a pull from his flask before passing it off to Boss Dugong.
Boss took a swig of his own around an appreciative hum. "Ahhh, Brewer's Seaweed Mix, I'd forgotten how hooked I was on the stuff." He then nodded in agreement with his old friend. "And yes, yes, we have. What was your first clue?"
"The fact that we've all made it this far?" Donny offered as he wound a roll of gauze around a newly forming bruise.
"Followed by the fact that you haven't lost anyone yet?" Raphey added as she cracked her neck and popped her joints.
"Followed by the fact that we all have bounties while you lot don't?" Mikey needled as he loaded fresh shots into his pistols.
Before Captain could reply to the snide remark with one of his own, the conversation was interrupted by Leo slamming onto the decking in front of them, massaging his freshly kicked muzzle.
"Ugghh… aaand then we've got the dragons," he groaned. "What's the story behind them? Also, tag out."
"I'm on it," Raphey casually stated, drawing her shuriken and spinning it up. "PREPARE TO EAT YOUR OWN SHOE LEATHER, YOU BASTAAAARD!" And with that warcry, she shot into the air at the amphibians' current foe.
Captain stared up at the renewed aerial duel with a slightly cocked brow. "Call it a feeling…" he mused.
"The dragons… heh, that's quite the story," First Mate chuckled, offhandedly flinging a Blue-Fin Elephant Trout at the pair of dragons roosting on their ship's yardarms. "At the start of that whole Strong World fiasco, we figured out pretty fast that they were after the East Blue. We cut through the Calm Belt to get there in a hurry…" The amphibian unconsciously rubbed a fresh bandage on one flipper. "And we had a couple of close run-ins on the way… but we made it with time to spare. We stole a Visual Snail to keep an eye on the show, but the second we saw you guys come flying in, we knew that we had made that trip for nothing."
"So we decided to make the most of it," Captain picked up, flashing a smile and a thumbs-up at another dragon flapping by. "Looked around for a bit, and came by an island that had rock formations that looked like battleship sails where a whole ton of dragons like the one that other captain… what was it, Black Bart? The one he was riding. Anyway, we actually have you guys to thank for all this: apparently, every millennium the Dragons spend their first new decade of reincarnation having fun and stretching their wings, and your SBS broadcast convinced the entire flock to give the pirate scene a try."
"And since we were Grand Line natives who were insane enough to go through the Calm Belt to try to help defend their nesting grounds, they decided we were crazy enough to satisfy their needs," First Mate finished. "And as insane as they can be sometimes? It's been pretty nice having the Millennials around."
"BWAHAHAHAHEEHEEHEEHOOHOOHOO!"
All present spared Soundbite's bout of cackling a bare few seconds of attention before shrugging and returning to their business. Said business was briefly interrupted by Raphey careening head-first into Donny's skull, laying them both out flat into a groaning heap on the deck.
Mikey sighed, stood, and began spinning up his nunchucks. "Alright, seeing as you've twisted my flipper, I'll go ahead and handle him for you, okay?"
"Pray he kills you, or else I will…" Raphey snarled weakly, shaking a flipper at her teammate.
"Gyeep! Uh, uh… HEY, SANJI!" Mikey hollered up at the cook in a blind panic. "I INTENTIONALLY MADE THE LAST BATCH OF TIRAMISU RUNNY TO FUCK WITH RAPHEY!"
"You what!?" both the chef and the female dugong snapped.
"Oh, I immediately regret this decision…" the orange-bandanna'd dugong whimpered.
"Too late," Boss deadpanned, grabbing the back of his apprentice's shell and throwing him to the crew's third strongest before he could run.
"AAAGH!"
Boss casually dusted his flippers off as he returned to his old friend's side. "As you can see, the boys' attitudes haven't changed much."
"Never doubted it. But what about you, Boss?" First Mate inquired. "You and your boys don't even need dragons to fly; you've taken your strength to a completely different level."
"Ah, it's easy to achieve," Boss said dismissively, rubbing off his 'knuckles' on his chest-shell. "All it takes is twelve hours of exercise a day, a steady diet of Sea King livers, dodging the crossfire of your crew's cook and mosshead…" He smirked and pulled a scroll from his shell. "And a government assassin stupid enough to leave an annotated guide to their superhuman abilities lying around!"
That got a laugh from the other two dugongs that Boss joined in on almost immediately. By the end of it, Captain Dugong was leaning on the wall and slapping the thick muscles at the base of his tail, and after a bit, he wiped a tear from his eye and heaved a contented sigh. "Ahhh, man, have I missed you…" His expression suddenly turned serious, the last of the mirth fleeing. "Missed you enough that I honestly have to ask: this far into the Line, after becoming so strong… any chance you and yours could come back and go the rest of the way with us? You did technically join the Straw Hat crew as a tribute, so there'd be no shame in it."
Boss hummed, and for a short time, he seemed to be actually considering it…
"OH GOD THE PAIN!"
CRASH!
And then Mikey slammed through the wall above him. Or, at least, his head did.
"Oh, don't everyone get up at once for my sake…" the chuck-wielder's muffled voice groaned through the water-soaked wood.
Donny shook his head with a defeated sigh. "Alright, you dolts, seeing as I'm next up to bat, I'm going to do what none of you chumps have been smart enough to do until now."
"Oh, yeah?" Leo intently side-eyed his brother-in-law. "And just what would that be?"
"Simple: say the three words that will actually give us a chance of victory." Donny jabbed his staff at Sanji, a furious scowl knotting his brows. "RUSH HIS ASS!"
"YEAH!" Leo and Raphey roared, stabbing their weapons in the air.
"YEAH!" a spontaneously revitalized Mikey roared as he shoved his way out of the wall and joined his squadmates. "WE MAY GO DOWN, BUT WE WILL TAKE HIM DOWN WITH US! CHARGE!"
And with that, the martial-artist dugongs leaped at the ship's cook…
THWACK! CRACK! CRUNCH!
And immediately came to regret it.
"THE PAIN! OH SWEET SOBEK THE PAIN!"
"MY SHELL!"
"WE'RE NOT TAKING HIM WITH US!"
Boss watched the beatdown in silence before slowly donning a fond smile. "Sorry, Chief. Call me a sentimental old barnacle, but… I think we're gonna stay with these landlubbers for a while longer."
"NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!" There was a crackling sound. "BACK TO THE FACE! BACK TO THE FACE!"
A sly grin slowly spread across Boss's muzzle. "Oh yeah," he chuckled. "A long while longer."
"Heheheh!" Captain Dugong chuckled, shaking his head. "Ahh, I expected nothing less, but as I said, I had to ask."
"Though, if you're not coming back…" First Mate said. "Any chance you could teach us that newfangled Full-Shell Style of yours?"
Boss scoffed and pounded his fist into his palm. "How's this for a compromise: I wail on you with said style until you figure it out for yourself."
"Haaaaa…" Captain Dugong sighed wistfully as he slung his flipper around Boss's shoulders. "I've missed you, you old ass."
"Same here, you second-rate schmuck. Same here."
-o-
"Oh, kebabs! Hey, can we—?"
"No," we all chorused.
Luffy sagged miserably. "Aww…"
"There, there, Luffy," I said, comfortingly patting his shoulder. "You'll just get the skewers stuck in your throat again anyway."
"But I'm so close to figuring it out!" he whined, giving me the most watery puppy-dog eyes he could manage… which would have been infinitely more effective if I didn't know exactly what he was capable of.
"Er… what, exactly, is he 'so close' to?" Porche asked hesitantly, peeking over her sunglasses and shoulder simultaneously.
"How to only eat the meat but none of the vegetables," Nami deadpanned.
Porche stared at the navigator wide-eyed for a moment before hastily looking ahead again. "And to think, I was just starting to wonder what it would be like to be on the main crew. And just like that, now I'm not."
"Huh, wonder why that is?" Luffy questioned innocently.
"Uh, hey now!" I hastily cut in, latching onto the intriguing sight that greeted us around the latest corner. "P-Marcedes, isn't this one of the other inns you mentioned?" It had to be. In a city of shipwrecks, few things stand out quite like a seven-tiered pagoda tower. Admittedly a pagoda made out of flotsam, but still!
"Oh, yeah, Oden's Cottage," Porche answered, tilting her head back to admire it properly. "Don't know too much about it; the Boss has had me focusing on the big picture overview of the city and setting things up for you guys. But it looks about as high-class as you can get in a place like this, and the class of clientele that's come through supports it."
"Mmm… almost certainly themed after Wano," I muttered, though I hastily shook my head at the interested look Zoro sent my way. "But I doubt that the ones I know of from there would be on this side of the Red Line. Though…" I frowned in confusion. "That does beg the question of who did make this place; if it were just some wannabe, they couldn't afford something like this, and the only people with funds who could actually have been to Wano would also have to be from—"
Once again, the Grand Line displayed its impeccable timing by throwing the doors to the inn open and violently expelling two men. A second later, the person who was presumably responsible for said impromptu flight stepped out right behind them.
I took in his visage. If I hadn't had my memory refreshed, odds are good that I would have just nodded politely at the transvestite and moved on. But I had, and so I knew exactly who I was looking at.
"Whoa, hold up!" I hissed, grabbing Luffy and Barto's collars before they could go any further.
Nobody objected, and judging by the tension in those of us more… informed, they recognized him, too.
"Alright, I'll give you two a chance to explain now. What was the fight about?" the onnagata demanded, impatiently tapping his geta on the decking.
"He attacked me without any provocation!" the more dignified-looking of the two said, indignantly indicating his more dishevelled companion, who was still picking himself up. "All I did was bring up my profession! I'm a lawyer, you see—"
WHAM!
"I am so sorry for jumping to conclusions, sir," the innkeeper apologized humbly to the other patron as he helped the 'innocent' man to his feet, completely ignoring the now-concussed lawyer. "If you want to come back inside, the next round is on the house."
"Heheh, thanks. Knew there was something I liked about you! Sides' the dress, I mean," the other pirate slurred, limping back into the bar.
"It's a kimono!" the innkeeper called after the customer, though he was smiling all the while. The innkeeper's smile stayed in place as he turned his attention to us. Not noticed us, mind you, because I would bet hard cash that he knew we were here before he opened the door. Even odds that he knew where we were the second we set foot on the street.
"Ahhh, the Straw Hat Pirates and the Barto Club Pirates." He smiled and bowed with the utmost Japa—er, Wano politeness. "I've been expecting you."
Luffy blinked in surprise at the greeting, but then he brightened up and oh that idiot he'd better not—! "Hey, I recognize you! You're like Mister Two! What did he say he was… oh right! An o—!"
"Shut-him-up-shut-him-up-shut-him-up!" I babbled in a blind panic, blurring my hand across my throat.
"He's shut up," Soundbite confirmed, snickering as he watched Luffy and Barto mime and flail in silence. "THEY BOTH ARE, EVEN. GEEZE, WHAT GOT STUCK in your craw? Do you just not want your name associated WITH SOMEONE'S LIFESTYLE?"
"We've been over that, and we've been over this: I don't tick off anyone who can gut me like a pig unless they actively piss me off first!" I snapped, keeping a wary eye on the innkeeper. Thankfully, he still looked amused by the ongoing shenanigans rather than upset, and damn if I didn't want to keep it that way!
"Oh? Is that so?" Nami questioned oh so innocently, her demeanour perfectly laid back, while her Eisen Tempo started to sag towards the decking and—
"My oh my, lightning from below? You are quite clever, aren't you?" the innkeeper chuckled casually. To her credit, Nami barely flinched, but that was enough that Luffy stopped his flailing and gave Soundbite a look that got the snail to flinch and nod in respect.
"Who are you?" Straw Hat Luffy asked, not a hint of his usual irreverence.
"Oh, my manners escape me… though it's a bit disheartening that Ace hasn't told you about me," he replied. None of the annoyance implied by his words showed in his polite expression, nor when he bowed at around 45 degrees. "I am Izo, manager of Oden's Cottage. It is an honour to meet you, Captain 'Straw Hat' Luffy, and you, Captain 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo."
"He also left out the part where he's the Sixteenth Division Commander of the Whitebeard Pirates," I stated as blandly as I could manage. Everyone present stiffened and stared at the painted man. "And while I'm more inclined to trust you than not, at this point I've pissed off so many people that it's a bit hard to keep track of who does and doesn't want my head. If you could just guarantee I'm not talking to a New World pirate who's got some reason or other to pop my skull…?"
Izo chuckled good-naturedly. "Believe me, Jeremiah Cross, I know how you feel. But worry not, the Whitebeard Pirates have nothing against either you or the Straw Hats."
I didn't bother to muffle my sigh of relief, and neither did Nami or Porche. Hell, I could even see some of the tension leave Zoro and Gin. Only some mind you, but hey, gotta be realistic.
"Still," Zoro grunted, crossing his arms and giving the kimono-wearing pirate a once-over. "Whether you want to give Cross what's coming to him or not—"
"GO CHOKE ON ICHIMONJI!"
"—What brings a Division Commander out here? I thought that New World pirates didn't bother with Paradise?"
"That is indeed the case with most New World pirates. Which, in fact, is the entire reason I am here," Izo sagely answered. "We established this inn to act as an embassy for the Whitebeard Pirates here in Paradise. Marco founded it a few weeks ago, and I've been… establishing matters, as it were. I have a couple of weeks left before I trade off with Kingdew." He then stepped up to the inn's entrance and slid the door open, gesturing into the building. "But while I am here, the Captain left specific orders on how to treat your crews if we were to cross paths. Please, come in, and we can continue the conversation."
While Luffy and Barto merely shared a momentary glance before shrugging and entering with grins on their faces, the rest of us were far more uneasy, because we could tell that that 'request' wasn't really a request at all. So it was a tense group that entered behind our beloved dumbasses.
The inside was about as clean and polished as a construct of repurposed seacraft with a customer base of pirates could be. It was a spacious area with staircases at the ends, rice paper screens for the doors and windows, and numerous lap tables throughout. A raised bar was off to one side, the better to mix and prepare drinks, and the patron that Izo had invited back in was seated at it.
The center of the room was slightly elevated, with another lap table, and a small fountain with a tall bamboo stalk rising from it was situated in the middle of the table. On top of it all, the clunk of a, what was it… Right, the clunk of a shishi-odoshi echoed from the higher levels of the tower, perfectly tying the inn's atmosphere together.
As we walked through the foyer and the patrons respectfully parted before us, it became clear that Izo was leading us to a more isolated room than the foyer. Specifically, he led us over to the back wall, which was lined with… hm, what were they called again—?
"Shōji."
Right, the shōji-covered wall, and slid it aside to reveal a staircase.
"The meeting room is on the fifth floor; six and seven are reserved for the management of the inn, while two through four all hold twelve bedrooms each. If you do not have arrangements elsewhere, I could arrange a generous discount for your stay here," Izo explained, moving his sleeve in front of his mouth to hide his oh so innocent smile.
"Sorry, but The Lucky Rabbit has you beat at 'free'," Nami replied with an equally innocent-looking smile.
Izo paused between steps, but briefly before chuckling again. "Of course, you would naturally have favour with the owner for making this possible in the first place. Well, you can't blame me for trying."
"Just watch me~" Nami sang.
"Heeey, wait a minute," Porche cut in as we started climbing the stairs. "Three floors with twelve rooms each, that's only thirty-six rooms. Isn't that kind of small for a high-class inn?"
"It's a work in progress," Izo replied with a dismissive wave of his hand. "We've prioritized quality over quantity, so the construction takes longer. Once we've added a few more floors, we'll move on to expanding outward. Probably buy out a few extra lots and build some new locations. We'll see how it goes. For now, you can enjoy the luxuries of our fine establishment for only—"
"We've already bought out a full wing of The Queen's Blessing, sorry," Porche chuckled apologetically.
"…as I was saying, the meeting room is just ahead."
Thankfully, the aura of pure murder that Izo was emitting by that point was enough to ensure that no one but the biggest idiots (read: Luffy and Barto) even showed any mirth at his second strikeout. About a minute of climbing later, we found ourselves standing on the fifth floor, a pair of actual, ornate wooden doors greeting us.
Izo stepped up to the doors and grasped the golden rings that served as doorknobs, but didn't open them. Instead, he just stood there, a slight grimace on his face.
"I would like to take this moment to reiterate that I hold no ill will towards any of you. The ones waiting inside merely wish to discuss something with you all, and are aware that if they attempt anything…" Izo waved his hand uncomfortably. "Untoward, then I will deal with them personally. Even so, I would advise against provoking them unnecessarily…" He hung his head with both a tired sigh and a wistful smile. "Beyond the inevitable, at any rate."
I eyed Izo warily, a nasty suspicion sinking into my gut. "And you're reassuring us this much because…?"
The grimace on Izo's face deepened. Great. "Because I have no doubt that someone as well-informed as you is going to recognize who these people are and, more specifically, who they represent."
"What are you—?!" Before I could complete my question, Izo gave the doors a firm push, displaying the extensive meeting room within and, more importantly, the occupants, the sight of which forced me to choke a blue streak dead in my throat. "Oh, you painted bitch."
"Yeah, not inaccurate, I'll accept that." Wincing, Izo cleared his throat to get the attention of the occupants. I took the opportunity to shove down my first reaction—panic—and actually look at the inhabitants.
Because while I might not have known all of the people in the room, I sure as hell recognized where I had seen all of them. Four people were waiting in the room, and my eyes immediately fell on the two sitting at the central table, currently engaged in arm wrestling. One was a tall man with white hair and a long fur cape, a sword sheathed on his back, horns on his head that I had a sneaking suspicion weren't just decorative, and muscles bulging out from his shirtless frame. The other…
"Is that Elton John?"
I opened my mouth to rebut the snail, but on a second look... mane of golden hair, sunglasses, and a plump body wearing a hot pink suit? I might have been willing to concede Soundbite's point, except for one small detail: he was a freaking lion, claws digging into his opponent's hand to try to get some sort of advantage.
I recognized Pekoms instantly, of course, and though I'd only gotten a few panels of him, it was hard to mistake who Sheepshead was, either, as well as the looming implication of who he represented. Of course, the giant belt buckle bearing the horned skull of the Beast Pirates' Jolly Roger also helped.
"GRAH! You fuzzy little cheating shit, you're using fucking Electro! Fight like a fucking man, you unshaved pussy!"
"CHE! Except that I'm not a man, I'm a lion, and proud of it! Go get shorn, you wannabe ungulate! If a Headliner like you is complaining about a little bit of static like that, from an unranked pirate like me, then maybe your horned freak of a boss should beg Mama for mercy right now!"
"You are fucking dead, you little piece of—!"
The blatant shitslinging on display was just the exclamation point.
Meanwhile, the two other figures in the room were a similar case: the long-legged tea-sipper Baron Tamago, and a woman with an hourglass figure, magenta hair with similar horns to the man, and… not much clothing. Just a cape that went halfway down her back, a pair of gloves, and bare minimum coverings for her chest and waist. But given the brutalist tribal design of what she was wearing, it was pretty obvious with whom she was affiliated. And that just added another exclamation point to the situation.
Somehow noticing the way I stiffened up like someone had poured liquid nitrogen down my spine, Porche surreptitiously leaned my way and hissed out the corner of her mouth, "Spill, Cross, who are they?"
"At this moment, death incarnate," I groaned, glancing skyward. So, this was how I died? Crossfire between four New World Pirates against one? Really?!… Ignominious as all hell, but meh, I suppose that my negative karma had to come calling eventually.
If you're wondering how we had enough time for this brief exchange, it was because even after Izo cleared his throat, the New Worlders ignored them in favour of the 'casual'—or as casual as wood splintering beneath their elbows could be—contest.
Frowning in irritation, Izo cleared his throat again, this time more insistently.
"Gnrgh, and your fucking claws too!? I'm going to turn your rancid pelt into my crotch-warmer!"
"Get bent, you halfbreed shit, I'll snap your horns off and use them as toothpicks!"
Again, none of them reacted. Scowling, Izo crossed to the other side of the room and pulled a cord. Now, I may not have had Haki, but that didn't mean I couldn't take a hint that something bad was going to happen. Also, after nearly a year with Soundbite on my shoulder, I'd developed more than a few… specific instincts. So when all of my instincts suddenly blared a five-alarm warning all at once, you can bet I slammed my headphones over my ears damn tight.
As it turned out…
BWOOOOOOOOONG!
My instincts were damn right.
Seriously, Big Ben, this pagoda was not, but that gong was definitely trying its best to get the whole city vibrating. Since my ears were thankfully protected, I can't say how well it succeeded, though it did feel like my teeth were trying to shake themselves loose from my mouth.
My crewmates, though… well, actually, everyone apparently had enough experience with me to follow my example, even Luffy. Though that wasn't quite as funny as it could have been, seeing as he did have his serious face on… geez, I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not that he recognized the threat those guys represented.
I slipped off my headphones to hear Izo chuckling. "I love this thing."
A cry of "WE KNOW!" echoed throughout the tower.
Soundbite shot Izo a sidelong glare, though the 'threat' was undercut by his smirk. "WHAT EXACTLY IS stopping us from suing you for plagiarism?"
"Why, the fact that any authorities either of us tried to approach would shoot us on sight on sheer principle, of course," Izo smiled back ever so innocently.
"TUSHEE."
"That's 'touché'," Porche corrected.
"Whatever."
A sharp clap sounded out, drawing everyone's attention to Izo. "Now then!" he said, the smile he wore while indicating our party to the gathered pirates decidedly brittle. "Men, lady. Allow me to introduce you to the captains of the Straw Hat and Barto Club Pirates, Monkey D. 'Straw Hat' Luffy and 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo, along with their crew's officers. Straw Hats and Bartos… well, I'll let Cross do the honours."
That put me in the center of attention, attention that I could best describe as 'simmering on the verge of boiling'. In that moment, I silently vowed that before we were done on this island, come hell or high water, I would see a Commander of the Whitebeard Pirates brought to his knees!
But for now, I settled for gritting my teeth and pointing out names and faces one by one, starting with the pair I was most familiar with, and from there starting with the… apparently more threatening of the two, if the lion's earlier ranting was anything to go by. "The Long-Legs Man is Baron Tamago—"
"Bonjour." The awkwardly half-crouched, half-seated man tipped his… 'hat' politely, staring at us over the lip of his eggshell-pants.
"C'est un peu tard pour ça, mon ami," I replied blandly, and as the Frenchman's eyebrows shot up, I pointed at the lion. "And the lion is Pekoms."
"Hey, you brat! You think just because you're hot stuff, you can address us so casually!? Show us some respect!" the lion snarled, taking a step towards us. Despite my bravado, I would have taken a step back if he wasn't… well…
I could feel the word 'cute' echo throughout the room, though thankfully a sharp glance at Soundbite kept that feeling from becoming real.
"The two of them are members of the Big Mom Pirates…" I said once the feeling passed. "Which seriously begs the question of 'how in the hell—'?"
"Après—Repeated assurances that we would act within the frontières of this island's laws, that this would be our crew's only visit to cette île, and an acceptance of le fait that while we were here we would not set un pied beyond the threshold of this building and that once our task was completed we would depart from the island within the hour, all to be enforced with the threat of either exécution or a fate worse than—midi," Tamago summarized.
"Alright then…" I pointed at the horned goliath. "And as for the other two, the quarter-giant is known as Sheepshead—"
"Hurry it along, you little shit," the white-haired man sneered.
"And the woman… yeah, I've got jack."
To her credit, her only outward reaction was a slight twitch in her cheek. "Ginrummy," she said, and that was that.
"And in case pretty much everything about them didn't make it clear enough for you, they're members of the Beast Pirates. Kaido's crew."
"…So, what you're saying is that we're in the same room as representatives of three of the Four Emperors of the New World," Gin summarized, sounding calm, but his body language matched the general mood of the Paradise rookies: quivering in preparation to bolt.
"You oughtta be honoured," Sheepshead snorted. "Don't think there's ever been a crew that impressed the Captain enough that he sent someone all the way to Paradise to meet them."
"Bien—Such is the case with maman as well—sûr," Tamago nodded, though if the way his head was angled towards the white-haired brute, said 'agreement' was... begrudging, to say the least. "Pas de—Though, let it be noted that this is just a meeting, and rien de plus. Whatever you give us, we shall give to our superiors, and they shall decide what comes next—problème…" He leaned forward. "Dans le Nouveau Monde."
"So, if you wouldn't mind stepping in so we can talk properly…?" Gin Rummy prompted.
"I'm… sorry that I have to agree with these individuals," Izo grumbled mutinously, ignoring the glares the less restrained 'diplomats' shot at him. "But it would be for the best. As matters stand, I have something I need to discuss as well. Shall we?"
Izo led the way inside, moving to a side of the table away from the ill-tempered envoys. The rest of our group followed. Porche hesitated a bit before stepping in—
"Hey, hang on, you're one heavy!" Pekoms snarled, trying (and failing) to look menacing by shoving up his sunglasses. "Who's the broad in the hoodie?"
Porche flinched and tugged nervously at her collar. "Uhh—"
"Porche, co-First Mate of the Foxy Pirates. No bounty," Ginrummy listed dismissively, not even giving the Davy Back Fight expert a second glance.
"W-What!?" Porche yelped. "How did you—?!"
"Nobody important, then, got it?" Sheepshead interrupted with a bored grunt, and before anyone could react, he raised his hand—
SKRANG!
And everyone and everything came to a screeching halt. The most affected was Porche, whose eyes were crossed, staring at the distended center of Luffy's hand, parked a few… let's be honest, nanometers in front of her forehead. As fast as the bulge was there, it immediately snapped back into Luffy's hand, and he let a roughly spherical lump of metal that had moments before been a simple coin drop to the ground, the clink of copper on wood almost deafening in the silence.
"Porche. Go back to your boss," Luffy ordered quietly.
The very pale diva nodded and left so fast I could've sworn she'd learned how to Shave.
"What was that for?" Luffy growled as soon as she was gone, his tone and expression only slightly less hateful than after he'd seen what Enel had done to me.
Meanwhile, Sheepshead, possessing all of Bellamy's arrogance and the strength to get away with it, all while lacking any of his future redeeming qualities, just leaned back in his seat and scoffed. "Parlour trick from the New World: a paid ticket to the afterlife. What do you care? She's a nobody, her life isn't worth—"
Sheepshead—and everyone else, for that matter—shut up and sat up when Luffy's glare crystallized into raw hatred and a hazy, yet somehow world-shaking snarl battered itself against our skulls.
Unfortunately, while we Paradise pirates were left shivering and on the verge of consciousness, the New Worlders were distinctly un-shaken. Externally, anyway. One and all, they were staring at Luffy with renewed intensity, and in Izo's case, genuine respect.
Sheepshead was especially tense, his jaw and fists clenching and unclenching. Finally, he mastered himself enough to jerk his chin toward the seats. "Just… sit down already," he grit out.
The mood at this point was distinctly electric, but everyone complied, leaving us arrayed across from the New Worlders. For several seconds, there was merely a barrage of tense glares… and the obvious trepidation of our incognito crewmate. Ultimately, the Beasts' other representative broke the silence.
"To get straight to the point: Straw Hat, Black Bart, our captain, Kaido of the Four Emperors, has been thoroughly impressed with the tenacity of your crews. You've challenged the entire world, taken on insurmountable odds, and most impressively of all, you've never failed to get away with it. And trust me, if you know nothing about Kaido, then know that earning his respect in anything at all is…" Ginrummy noticeably stiffened, clearly choosing her words very carefully. "A feat. As such, we have been sent here for a… literally unprecedented purpose."
"Captain Kaido, King of the Beasts and Strongest Creature in the World, has decided to give you worms the honour of a place among the ranks of the Beast Pirates," Sheepshead stated flatly, his tone somehow both dead and hostile simultaneously. "You'll be foot soldiers at first, but given your rate of growth, a few of the other Headliners think you could become one of us in a matter of months with the right training." The horned pirate raised his chin, the better to look imperiously down at us. "This is the biggest honour any Paradiser has ever been given. The fact that you shits aren't already kissing my feet and thanking me for giving you the time of day is insulting enough, but just this once, I'll let it pass."
The room fell silent for a bit as the Beast Pirate's… well, I hate to say anything positive about the raging bastard, but fine, as his admittedly awe-inspiring words sank in. The silence was only broken when Pekoms coughed into his palm.
"It's basically the same with us: In impressing Kaidou, you've impressed Mama, too," Pekoms nodded, looking at least somewhat calmer than before. "Your knack for succeeding against all odds was a big part of it, obviously. But the first thing to know about Mama is that she created Totland in hopes of founding a place where everyone could belong, regardless of species. As such, your seamless unity of all kinds of different people and animals on your crew has warmed her heart."
I subtly shot a questioning look at Izo, who was standing behind the Mom Pirates, and was not surprised when he grimaced and crossed his arms in firm denial.
Ignorant of the exchange, Tamago uncurled from his crouched position to tower above us and swept his cane out and bowed toward us in a very polite gesture. "Grand—It is our immense honour to inform you that Captain Charlotte 'Big Maman' Linlin, hereby invites les Straw Hat Pirates et les Barto Club Pirates to become Combatants for the Big Mom Pirates—honneur," he announced. "Brilliant—Indeed, you are all un tout petit peu below the weight class of le Nouveau Monde at the moment, but soon enough, with the care and compassion of the great family that is our crew—"
This made Izo grimace and shake his head with almost fervent disbelief.
"—You would be counted among the elite of the entire ocean—avenir."
Again, silence fell, the gravity of the two Emperors' offers weighing on us, and Izo took the moment to step forward and present his two beris.
"Needless to say, you've impressed Pops, too. That much you should know already. But none of us believes that you've changed your mind, or that you will, about sailing under our flag. Even so, many crews have sworn their loyalty to us without taking our flag. We would not ask the same of you, of course… without returning the favour." Izo inclined his head politely. "Captain Edward 'Whitebeard' Newgate, The Strongest Man in the World, has instructed me to offer both of you an alliance between the Straw Hat Pirates, the Barto Club Pirates, and the Whitebeard Pirates. None greater than the other, simply a pledge of… " You might call it 'brotherhood'," he finished with a wry smile.
Almost before Izo finished, all eyes turned expectantly towards our captain. Three envoys of three of the four most powerful pirates in the New World had come to offer us a place amongst them.
Really, as if it could go any other way. Luffy sat with his head bowed almost pensively for a minute or so. Then he raised one hand… and began picking his nose. "No thanks, we're good," he stated in a perfectly bored tone.
"What he said, fuck off," Barty echoed, also digging for gold and sounding just as careless about it.
Nami and Gin both dropped their faces into their hands with tired—but definitely not surprised—sighs, Zoro threw his head and barked out a laugh that was almost arrogant in its victory, and me? I smiled like an idiot and popped a pair of V-signs. "Better luck next time~!" I sang.
"Or never~!" Soundbite auto-chorused.
As you might expect, that was when things broke into a horrible mess. At least Barty had the foresight to put up a barrier.
CRACK!
Correction: Thank Chaos, Barty had the foresight to put up a barrier because otherwise, Sheepshead would have probably taken all of our heads clean off with the gleaming-black punch he'd just thrown at us, his face twisted in a rictus of rage.
"You slavering braindead fuckwits!" he snarled, clawing his Haki-clad fingers into the cracks starting to form in the translucent barrier. "Even if these bastards' offers were ultimately worthless, you just got handed a front-row seat to the Beast Pirates' rise! You were home-fucking-free! But now? Now you're leaving this fucking island in a—!"
CRACK!
That was as far as Sheepshead got before Izo's hand lashed out like a whip and slammed into the side of the towering Beast Pirate's neck, sending him down with nary a gurgle. Though his head did strike the table at a bit of an angle, which resulted in a… regretful occurrence.
"Tch, hotheaded brute's half as impulsive as his captain," Izo tsked to himself, before turning to address Ginrummy with a cocked eyebrow as he held up what had resulted from Sheepshead's fall. "By the way, these grow back, right?"
The other Beast Pirate eyed the fractured horn the Whitebeard was holding and grimaced. "No. No, they do not."
"Tch, serves the bastard right," Pekoms snorted, backing up the statement with a swift boot to the one-horned asshole's side. "Seriously, what did he mean by 'worthless'!? It's Mama who's going to be Pirate King, not the rabid thing he follows!"
Izo snapped a frigid glare over his shoulder. "Am I going to have to put down two dumb animals in a row?"
Pekoms most likely would have responded with something scathing, were it not for an overly long leg shooting out and slamming the lion-person's face into the floor. "Excusez—let's avoid restarting the age-old argument that's destroyed so many islands in the past—nous," Tamago sighed wistfully. "Dieu—let us merely be heureux that he was le seul among us who was so idiot as to believe that this mission was ever intended to succeed, oui—merci?"
"Huh?" Luffy blinked, his deadpan breaking for surprise. "Wait, you guys knew we'd say no?"
"You sank Shiki's flying islands when he tried to get you all to bow, you told Whitebeard that you would never follow another captain, and in general, you don't tend to take any nonsense from anyone," Izo summed up in a matter-of-fact tone of voice and with a carefree shrug. "It was rather implied that success would be a miracle, but failure was acceptable." He shot a scathing look at the yet-insensate Beast man. "Though clearly, not everyone managed to read between the lines."
"In our case, Mama did think you'd bend the knee…" Pekoms raised his finger from beneath Tamago's foot. "But we'll just pin it on you guys, we'll be fine. You all, not so much."
"We wouldn't expect anything less," Gin hissed out irritably, seemingly split between glaring at Pekoms, for obvious reasons, and Barto, for getting him in this situation to begin with.
"But hey, wait," Luffy whined, tilting his head in confusion. "If you all knew we'd say no, then how come you all asked us anyway?"
"Eh, politics," Barto, of all people, answered. "Basically, it's a harmless way of telling the new kid on the block who the big fishes are. They say yes, some new muscle comes into the fold, and everyone's happy. They say no, then they'll just bust their kneecaps down the line. Or, well..." He smirked as he buffed his nails on his coat. "Try and bust our caps, anyway. It, ah, never really worked that well against me, if ya catch my drift."
"Oooh…" Luffy nodded sagely… before tilting his head again. "That's really dumb."
Izo shook his head with a chuckle. "Maybe for these two bands of idiots—"
"HEY!" the other Emperors' goons—the ones still conscious, at least—indignantly belted out.
"—but that wasn't Pops' intention in the least. Obviously, we would have loved for you to accept, but we all expected a rejection. After all, if you would go against Shiki, it only makes sense you'd want to go the rest of the way on your own. Still…" Izo smiled politely and gave our captains a deep bow. "Despite your decision, it is the hope of both the Whitebeard Pirates and me as a whole that we can remain friends, both now and in the future." He looked up with a vicious grin. "Even after we, Whitebeards, soundly trounce both of you so that we can make him the King of the Pirates."
"Shishishi!" Luffy snickered and swiped his finger under his nose. "Sorry, that's not happening! I mean, from everything I've heard about him, Old Man Whitebeard sounds great and everything, and I'm really grateful to him for everything he's done for Ace, but I'm the one who's going to be King of the Pirates, not him."
"Hell yeah!" Barto agreed. "I might not be nearly so dedicated, but I'm still the same stubborn son of a bitch I've always been. I ain't steppin' down for nobody nowhen no how. Not that golden asshole, not Luffy, and not that washed-up geezer. We're fighting to the bitter end!"
"We shall see," Izo said, his smirk growing larger. "After all, you would need to go through us to get to him, and last time I checked, you never managed to defeat Ace. What was it again…"
"Hundred matches a day a person," I piped up, grinning malevolently as I swung back and forth on my heels. "And Luffy lost everyone!"
"HEY, SHUT UP, I WAS TEN!" Luffy's head suddenly shoved itself in my face, his eyes white with outrage. "I'M SEVENTEEN NOW, I COULD TOTALLY KICK BOTH THEIR ASSES!"
"Except that now, they are both twenty," Nami sighed, the look she was giving him equal parts fond and annoyed. "Did you think about that?"
Luffy froze for a solid half-minute in that same expression. "…shut up!" he finally snapped, glaring anywhere but at our navigator.
For her part, Nami shook her head, chuckling fondly, before nodding to Izo. "Well, whatever the future brings, we thank you for your hospitality, Izo, but we should get going now; Lola will be expecting us."
She then walked to the door and slid it aside so that we could exit. Immediately, she let out a panicked gurgle and stumbled back several paces. From what I could see, it was likely because someone was standing in the doorway already. And that someone wasn't alone, either.
Even the New World veterans were visibly unnerved by the twin masses of dark purple fog flanking the newcomer, pillar-shaped yet otherwise unformed, with a pair of glowing red eyes staring from each. It had much the same intimidation effect as Nami's typical aura of clouds whenever she was upset… only Eisen Tempo sure as hell didn't come with a heaping dose of existential dread!
Also? That newcomer was Lola, visibly pissed off, and it was an open question whether she or the Pillars were the scarier ones. Porche had filled in a few blanks on the way over: the Lockjaw Pirates were not the last to set foot on Skelter Bite, underestimate Lola, and discover the hard way that her shiny new ฿200,000,000 bounty was not something you got collecting bottle caps. The only things that could trigger a starting bounty of more than eight figures were an utterly unprecedented show of chaos, a close relative or ally already infamous, or a history in the New World and all the power that implied. And the newly rechristened 'Mist Maiden' No-Family-Name Lola had ticked all three boxes.
Lola's outfit had also evolved since the last time we'd seen her: she'd traded in her red jacket for a larger, more ornate navy-blue captain's overcoat with golden epaulettes, and her bowler hat had been upgraded to an authoritative but nonetheless badass tricorne. The yellow jumpsuit had also been ditched for a pair of loose navy pants matching the jacket and…
I squinted, almost not believing my eyes. Yeah, that was a bright orange Hawaiian shirt, liberally decorated with pineapples. Okay. At least it wasn't Garp's Water 7 outfit.
My inspection of Lola was hastily aborted when she glared at Baron Tamago, who hastily shot to as tall as the low ceiling would allow and crouched into a somewhat awkward bow. Honestly, all the position really did was emphasize the cold sweat coursing down his nose. "Sacre—a-ah, Lady Lola, so nice of you to grâce nous with your most belle, radieuse—!"
"You've said your piece," Lola cut him off, her voice positively glacial. "They told you to fuck off, now I'm telling you to do the same. Get off my island."
"—tout de suite—bleu," Tamago squeaked fearfully.
"Yes'm," Pekoms squeaked in agreement, his head halfway sunk into his shivering torso.
Ginrummy was equally swift to shoot to her feet, adjusting her cloak's collar with an uncomfortable cough. "Our, ah, our business is concluded as well. We'll just, uh." Reaching down, she effortlessly hefted Sheepshead's hulking, insensate frame onto her shoulders. "Be going, then. And, we'll, uh… give the Boss your best regards?"
"Yes," Lola intoned frigidly, turning her unblinking stare on the other woman. "You do that."
She stepped aside, allowing the Long Leg Man, the Beast and the unaffiliated, bastard-toting Beauty to… let's not sugarcoat it, they fled, the two Obelisks turning to watch them as they left. It spoke volumes that not one of them slowed or turned back.
Satisfied, Lola turned to Izo. Instantly, her expression and the Obelisks both brightened, Lola bearing a bright smile and the Obelisks looking outright sunny as their bodies shifted to bright yellow and their eyes to a calm blue.
"Izo, I really can't thank you enough for putting up with those… individuals for me. I honestly don't think there's any other establishment on Skelter Bite that could have been capable of supporting the likes of them. You did Skelter Bite a massive favour, and it's one the Skull Mist Pirates won't soon regret."
"Not a problem, Lola, I assure you," Izo smiled in agreement, shaking the captain's hand. "Just keep providing a safe location where decent pirates can call home, and we'll be even… although if there were any chance of accelerating our growth?"
"I'll raise the Embassy's priority and cover 20%. That's the most I can offer," Lola said, and from the slight grimace in her expression, she meant it.
"Fifteen is more than enough," Izo said with a grateful smile, earning one in return.
Lola then turned her attention to us, her demeanour still perfectly sunny. "It's nice to see you all again, Straw Hats. I'm sorry about the circumstances under which we've met again, but at least that's a problem that's fleeing straight for a ship out. Anyway, I've already gone ahead and reserved the best rooms at the Lucky Rabbit for you guys to stay in."
"Yeah, we heard. We were just heading there to check in, but these spoilsports here wouldn't let us run off," Bartolomeo groaned. And from the way he was pointedly staring at a ceiling beam, it was a bit hard to tell if he was talking about the spoilsports on our crews or the Emperors'.
Lola smiled and waved him off. "We can talk later, Black Bart, but now that I've verified your presence, I'll call in ahead and let them know you're here while you go out and enjoy the town. Just don't go too wild unless you've got a fortune and are willing to spend it."
That warning didn't do much to slow us down. Or at least, not Barty and Luffy, who charged out of the room without more than a rushed 'thanks' for her and a 'freedom!' towards our more responsible crewmates—or at least, Gin.
The dead-eyed first mate in question rolled his eyes at the eager departure. "Screw it, he doesn't pay me enough for this…" he groused, heading out the door himself. "Mostly because he doesn't pay me at all." He paused in the doorframe and glanced over his shoulder at Lola. "You know, someplace a sane guy can get a stiff drink in this place?"
"Head back to the entrance of the island, take a right, then it's the second floor of the fourth galleon on your right. Shave and a haircut on the door with the skull nailed to it, and then bitch about your captain as you've never bitched before," Lola answered, a knowing smirk on her face.
Gin cocked an eyebrow at her before shrugging and heading out.
Lola maintained her positive demeanour as he left. And then the minute he turned the corner, Lola's demeanour shifted dramatically. The room's atmosphere suddenly pressed in, the Obelisks reverting to darkened pillars.
"Izo," the Mist Maiden intoned, her voice kept pointedly even. "I would like to request the room, please."
The New World Pirate didn't even flinch as he gave Lola a deep bow. "As you wish, Governor-Captain Lola. Enjoy the facilities, try not to ruin them."
"Hold up for a second, pale-face. Do you have any sake here?" Zoro cut in.
"Realms of sake of which you cannot conceive," the onnagata smoothly answered, gesturing out the door. "Right this way, my good sir, and I'll see about getting you nice and sauced."
Zoro's smirk stretched from ear to ear as he followed the New Worlder. "Finally, someone who speaks my language! Try not to die, you two."
Before I could even think of cussing the bastard out, the sliding door slammed shut, and the air in the room became almost treacle-like as the Obelisks started gradually growing to loom over us.
"Ophiuchus. Callie," Lola stated frigidly, her onyx fingertips tapping out a steady beat on her arms. "It's been a while. Sit down, why don't you? We have…" Her teeth practically clicked from how hard she set her jaw. "Matters to discuss."
Oh, fuck no.
"Now, Rabbit," I said in a calm and even voice as I slowly started to inch my way towards the window. A path which, incidentally, took me right behind Nami, who was thankfully focused entirely on Lola. "I understand that you have some grievances about recent events, and you are indeed justified in every last one of them. But before we do anything rash, I just want to say…" I stabbed a finger at Nami. "IT WAS ALL HER IDEA, I ADVOCATED WE TIE THE PALE BITCH TO THE PROW AND LET HER DROWN!"
"WHAT!?" Nami screeched indignantly, whipping around to stare at me in a mix of betrayal and pants-wetting terror.
"CHEESE IT!" Soundbite belted.
"So long, sucker!" I declared, shooting her a hasty salute before diving headfirst out of the nearest window… which was five stories above the ground. Thank goodness Izo had hung a few lines of paper lanterns around his tower, or else I might have been in trouble.
One improvised zipline later, and I had a running start away from Oden's Cottage over, across, and through the nearby rooftops. Not that I needed it; between Nami, Lola, and the Pillars, I wouldn't have made it half as far if they'd had any real inclination to stop me.
"…since when does that ACTUALLY work for us?" Soundbite wondered aloud.
"Since we actually had no reason at all to actually leave that way, seeing as Nami already accepted the blame," I grunted out, puffing with exertion as I vaulted over an inverted keel.
"OH YEAH, GOOD POINT… then why did we exfiltrate like that?"
"Better question: why wouldn't we?"
"Damn, two good points in a row, you're on a roll."
"Thank you, thank you…" My acknowledgment was a bit offhand, on account of my thoughts drifting elsewhere, and it didn't take long for Soundbite to notice my pensive expression.
"'Scuse the indignity, BUT you're not thinking that we should have ACCEPTED THOSE TWO BASTARDS AND ONE relatively DECENT OFFERS, ARE YOU?"
"Linlin and Kaido, hell no, they would quite literally eat us alive given the chance," I replied. "Whitebeard… I'm a little surprised that Luffy turned that down, but not a lot. I might have to think about working out something with Izo later, once I get permission from Luffy, anyway…" I mulled that notion over before shaking my head. "But no, what I'm thinking about right now is that of the Four Emperors, the only one whose representative wasn't there is the one who would want to meet Luffy the most."
Soundbite blinked in realization. "You're right, that is strange."
"I mean, sure, Shanks promised that he wouldn't meet Luffy again until he was ready to return his hat. But I refuse to believe that none of his men are here. Shanks could order them not to meet Luffy, but the Red-Haired Pirates love to party…" Out of ideas, I just shrugged. "And besides, if all three of the others were sending envoys, I wouldn't expect him to hold back, even if his crew is the smallest of the four. It's just weird."
What followed were a few seconds of solemn thoughts. And no more than that.
"WHO CARES!? WE GOT A WHOLE ISLAND OF ADVENTURE WAITING FOR US, BABY! LET'S GET FREAKY!"
I tipped my hat in agreement and picked up speed as a massive smile split my face. "Freaky it is! Let's start with a little familiar territory! Oh, Tashigi~!"
-o-
It may or may not come as a surprise to you, dear reader, to learn that about a minute or so after most of the Straw Hats had vacated the area, a round man with a green and white striped shirt and a hunk of ham in one hand flopped out of a bar directly across from Oden's Cottage, staring blearily at the sky.
"Woof… for wet-nosed Paradisers, these brats can drink…" the tubba-blubba groaned, punctuating the statement with a board-rattling belch. He then frowned, scratching at his gut. "'Cept that now I damn well forgot what I came here for in the first place. What was it, what was it… ergh, come on!"
He scowled as he sat up and rapped his hunk of meat over his own head. "I should know this, I almost knocked little-bo-bastard's brains out over it on the docks, so what—OH YEAH!" He suddenly smacked his shank of meat in his palm with a massive grin. "Now I remember! I was supposed to—!"
The man's train of thought was suddenly and harshly derailed when his nose twitched. Then it twitched again, and again, until finally the fatso's head snapped a clean 90 degrees to the side. "Is that Megaton Lobster I smell boiling?" He answered his own question by allowing a river of drool to pour past his massive smile. "Thank Bacchus, I'm starving over here! COME TO PAPA!"
And so, with that exclamation (and a fresh mouthful of his shank of hog), he set off in search of gluttonous satisfaction.
-o-
"The more I see of this place, the more I know Lola couldn't have built anything half as good as this if Galley-La wasn't helping out," Franky tsked, taking in a particularly precarious-looking arrangement of lifeboats that were acting as gondolas… or moving platforms, depending on how impatient the 'pedestrians' were.
"You're telling me," Merry groaned, yanking her cap down over one of her eyes and bracing herself against Franky's head. "I'm getting dizzy just imagining how they pulled this all off. Almost makes me miss being 'just' a ship again, at least then I didn't get migraines."
"Then…" Franky cocked an eyebrow at the tyke riding on his shoulder. "Maybe don't look at the migraine-inducing architecture any more than you have to?"
"Mrgrgh, not a chance," the ship-girl responded with a firm shake of her head. "If they can do this, I want to learn how. I just need to find one that's getting built, and I'll figure it out…" She grimaced again as they passed under a pair of propped-up, prow-to-prow cutters that were acting as a makeshift arch. "Assuming my orifices don't start leaking gray matter, anyway…"
Franky frowned slightly, then snagged a nearby pedestrian. The pedestrian turned around, clearly on his guard, but went still at the sight of Franky.
"Yo. Any big buildings around here that are under construction?" he asked.
The pirate blinked again before looking around and pointing. "I think the biggest project that's going on right now is the comedy club. Five, six buildings that way, you'll know it when you see it."
"Thanks," Franky nodded.
"UH! W-Wait, wait, before you go!"
Franky jerked to a stop, the other pirate now holding his wrist and grinning sheepishly up at him. "You're, uh, you're Cyborg Franky, right? My girl's a huge fan of yours, and I mean, like, huge. Is there any chance you could, ya know…?"
Merry hopped off Franky's shoulder and slammed her forearms together above her head. "SUPER!" she crowed.
"SUPER!" the cyborg swiftly repeated, his wrists ringing proudly as he formed his trademark star.
The surrounding audience, for several meters, applauded, jeered, mimicked, or did some combination of the three. It was a bit of a surprise that they weren't swarmed a bit more by fans; only a couple of minutes' delay later, they were strolling up to a baker's dozen of half-dismantled ships surrounding…
"…Is that one of Oars's bones?" Franky asked, mouth slightly agape.
Merry, meanwhile, couldn't help but giggle. "I guess they wanted to go for structure and humour; that's one of his funny bones."
Franky raised a brow at Merry. "You can tell that just at a glance? I know you soaked up a lot of Chopper's knowledge, but come on."
"Don't forget, Big Bro: I'm a child. And that means that my brain is stuck in the stage where getting and storing new knowledge is easiest."
The shipwright paused at that tidbit.
After a minute, she shrugged. "…plus, again, I am a kid. It stuck in my head 'cause it was funny."
Letting out a wry chuckle, Franky grabbed the back of Merry's coat and placed her back on his shoulders. "Come on, funny-girl. Let's get a closer look at this mess."
Painted on a beached sailboat's skull, a masterful mural depicted a grand amphitheatre of bone and wood. The half-circle stands were made from semi-capsized ships, with giant heads looming over their sterns. The mighty bone stood as a massive support column, sails painted with the usual masked duo, Comedy and Tragedy. And at the top was painted a very important announcement:
"'Coming Soon: The Skelter Bite Comedy Club'," Franky read.
"SHOULDN'T BE MORE THAN ANOTHER MONTH OR TWO BEFORE IT'S UP AND RUNNING!"
The two snapped their eyes toward the familiar voice and were rewarded with a grinning bodybuilder with nails in hand coming out from one of the shipwrecks.
"STRAW HATS! GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" the titanic man bellowed. He slammed a hand down on Franky's shoulder, crunching the decking beneath Franky but not fazing the cyborg in the least.
"Same here, Tilestone, you old fart!" Franky laughed, jabbing a harmless punch into the caulker's iron-tough gut. "I thought you'd only leave Water 7 again in a flaming longboat! How's Ice-For-Brains holding up?"
"DOING WELL! STILL TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO REPLACE KALIFA, IT'S TAKING A WHILE!" Tilestone chortled, rubbing the back of his head. "AND HOW COULD I NOT COME OUT HERE? SKELTER BITE IS LIKE A SISTER CITY TO WATER 7, OUR END GOAL MADE MANIFEST! PRETTY MUCH EVERY CARPENTER BACK HOME'S DECIDED TO MAKE A PILGRIMAGE TO THIS PLACE AT LEAST ONCE IN THEIR LIVES, SO THEY CAN TAKE NOTES AND BRING BACK THE EXPERIENCE!" He shook his head with a wistful sigh. "IT'S ONLY TOO BAD YOU GUYS SHOWED UP WHEN YOU DID. KIWI AND MOZU WERE DUE TO TAKE ME AND MY BOYS' PLACE AND HELP WITH STRIPPING SHIPS FOR PARTS A WEEK FROM NOW. THEY'RE GONNA BE CRUSHED THAT THEY JUST MISSED YOU."
"Damn!" Franky tsked, snapping his fingers.
"Aw, don't jump to conclusions, Big Bro," Merry 'consoled' him, though the fact that she was playing with his pompadour kinda ruined the sentiment. "We don't know how long we'll be waiting here before we can break through that blockade; we might still see them."
While Franky pondered that, Merry turned back to Tilestone. "Anyway, we're here looking for a tour, hoping to get a better idea of your process. Could we watch as you build it?"
"SURE! HECK, IF YOU WANT TO HELP OUT, THAT'D BE EVEN BETTER. WE NEED TO GET THE CENTRAL PILLAR BONE UPRIGHT BEFORE WE BUILD THE REST AROUND IT, AND EVERY HAND HELPS," Tilestone boomed, waving the pair into the construction site.
"Well, alright, then! Let's get to it!" Franky crowed, carrying Merry with him into the field.
As they walked, Merry glanced at Tilestone. "By the way, gray-hair, I was just wondering: what's with the lame name for this place? I mean, it's a comedy club, right? Shouldn't it be something, ya know, punny?"
"MEHHH, IT'S A PLACEHOLDER AT THE MOMENT," Tilestone sighed in despair. "I HAD A FUNNIER NAME IN MIND, BUT LOLA VETOED IT! WHAT'S WRONG WITH 'FUNNY BONE CLUB'?"
"Too generic for one," Franky said dismissively. "That's about as bland as 'comedy club.'"
"Worse, even, because it's so lame and obvious," Merry sniffed primly.
"WELL, THEN WHAT WOULD YOU CALL IT, IF YOU'RE SO FUNNY?"
Merry shrugged indifferently. "The Humorous Humerus, duh."
Franky and Tilestone both froze mid-step. "Poseidon take you, that's actually funny HEY, LISTEN UP!" the latter suddenly boomed out… louder than usual, anyways, thus grabbing the attention of all the workers. "FROM NOW ON, WE'RE CALLING THIS PLACE THE HUMOROUS HUMERUS! ANYONE GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!"
The peals of laughter that erupted from all the listening workers were more than enough.
"TRAITORS…" Tilestone scoffed.
"Nice one, little sis," Franky snickered.
"Heheheh!" Merry giggled proudly. "Well, what can I say? We Straw Hats, we—!" She froze mid-word, blinking thoughtfully before breaking into a grin that sent many a worker running. "Ohhh Soundbite~. I know you're listening, so if you please? Tell Cross that I'd like to speak on the SBS, ever so quickly."
"Why?" Cross queried, dread obvious in his disembodied voice.
"Just wanna make an observation is all~," Merry sang in a loose swashbuckler drawl. "Ya don't even have ta' introduce me or nothin', just let me say my piece and I'll let ye be."
A pause, and then… "I hope I don't regret this… You're live, Merry. Say your piece."
"Real quick, I'd just like to point out the fact that we've been funnier in the course of a year than Buggy the Clown has ever been over the course of his whole life."