The notebook felt heavy in my hands.
Not heavy like a book. Heavy like a memory. Like something important that I had buried and finally dug up.
I sat on the floor of the basement. Dust everywhere. Old boxes around me. Kevin stood by the door with his laptop. Sophie knelt beside me. Maggie waited near the stairs, her tablet forgotten. Lucas leaned against the wall, arms crossed, watching.
"Read it," Sophie said softly.
"I am scared."
"Of what?"
"Of who I used to be."
Sophie put her hand on my arm. "Whoever you used to be, you are not her anymore. You are the woman who wears banana socks and eats my radioactive cupcakes."
"They are not radioactive."
"They are green, Vivian. Very green."
I laughed. Then I opened the notebook.
---
The first page was dated two years ago. A few weeks after the wedding that never happened.
If you are reading this, you survived. That is the first thing you need to know. You survived.
I am writing this because I am scared I will forget who I was before. Before him. Before the wedding. Before everything.
I used to be someone who laughed. Someone who wore yellow. Someone who believed in love even though my mother left and my father died and the world kept breaking my heart.
Then I met Alexander. And for a while, I was happy again.
But happy does not last. Not for people like me.
I stopped reading. My hands were shaking.
"Keep going," Lucas said from the wall.
I looked at him. His face was blank. But his eyes were soft.
I turned the page.
---
He left me on a Tuesday. The wedding was supposed to be on Wednesday. I had the dress. I had the flowers. I had the rings.
Then Elena called. My best friend. She was crying. She said she was sorry. She said it had been going on for months.
Alexander and Elena. My fiancé and my best friend.
I threw up. Then I called off the wedding. Then I locked myself in my office for three weeks.
When I came out, I was different. Colder. Harder. The woman who laughed was gone.
I buried her somewhere. I do not know where.
But I am writing this so I do not forget she existed. So I do not forget that I was happy once. Even if it did not last.
---
I turned another page.
I bought a plant today. A ficus. The woman at the store said it was easy to take care of.
I named it Alexander so I could yell at it every day.
It is not growing fast enough. I told it that. I told it that it was disappointing. Just like him.
The plant did not respond. Plants are good listeners.
I laughed. Out loud. In the dusty basement.
"She named the ficus after Alexander," I said.
Sophie's eyes went wide. "The plant you have been yelling at?"
"The same."
"That is amazing."
"That is unhinged."
"Same thing."
---
The next few pages were dark. I could tell from the handwriting. Messy. Rushed. Words crossed out.
I fired someone today. He did not do anything wrong. He just looked at me the wrong way.
I am becoming someone I do not recognize.
But I do not know how to stop.
The woman who laughed is gone. I killed her. Or maybe Alexander did. I do not know anymore.
All I know is that I am tired.
So tired.
I closed the notebook. My eyes were wet.
"Keep reading," Lucas said again.
"I cannot."
"You can."
I looked at him. He pushed off the wall and walked toward me. He knelt down so his face was level with mine.
"That woman did not die," he said quietly. "She got buried. But she is still in there. I have seen her. In the café. At Marlene's house. In your office when you smiled at Sophie."
"She named a plant after her ex."
"That is not crazy. That is coping."
"It is a little crazy."
"It is a little crazy," he agreed. "But you are allowed to be a little crazy. You went through something terrible."
I stared at him. "You are very wise for an assistant."
"I read a lot of motivational posters."
"Maggie's posters?"
"Maggie's posters."
Sophie snorted. Kevin hid his laugh behind his laptop.
I opened the notebook again.
---
The entries got lighter toward the end.
Not happy. But lighter. Like the fog was starting to clear.
I started coming to Marlene's café again. Not every Tuesday. But sometimes.
I sit by the window and drink hot chocolate. I do not write. I just sit.
It is nice. To just sit.
Marlene does not ask questions. She just brings me chocolate and smiles.
I think she knows. I think she knows I am broken. But she does not care. She just keeps bringing me chocolate.
That is love, I think. Showing up. Bringing chocolate. Not asking questions.
---
I hired a new assistant today. His name is Lucas.
He is quiet. Too quiet. He does not flinch when I yell. He just nods and does his job.
It is annoying. I want him to be scared of me. Everyone else is scared of me.
But he is not scared. He just... exists. Calmly. Annoyingly calmly.
I do not trust him.
But I do not distrust him either.
That is new.
I looked up at Lucas. His ears were red.
"You were not scared of me?" I asked.
"No."
"Everyone else was scared of me."
"I know."
"Why were you not scared?"
He was quiet for a moment. "Because I saw you at the café. Before you hired me. I saw you drinking hot chocolate and looking peaceful. I knew that woman was still in there somewhere."
"You saw me at the café?"
"Every Tuesday. For two years. I sat in the corner. You never noticed me."
My heart stopped. "You were stalking me?"
"I was observing."
"That is stalking, Lucas."
"It is not stalking if you work for the company."
"That is exactly what a stalker would say."
His ears turned redder. Sophie was laughing. Kevin was pretending to look at his laptop but his shoulders were shaking.
"You are impossible," Lucas said.
"You say that a lot."
"Because it keeps being true."
---
The last entry was dated a few days before I woke up crying.
I am scared. I do not know why. But something is coming. Something bad.
I can feel it in my chest. The same feeling I had before Alexander left.
I am writing this because I need someone to know. In case I forget. In case I disappear.
I was happy once. On a beach in Santorini. In a café drinking hot chocolate. In my father's arms when I was small.
I was happy.
And I want to be happy again.
If you are reading this and I am gone, do not cry for me. I am not sad. I am just lost.
And one day, I will find my way back.
I hope.
---
I closed the notebook.
The basement was quiet. Sophie was crying. Maggie was crying. Kevin was blinking very fast.
Lucas was not crying. But his jaw was tight. His hands were clenched.
"She found her way back," I said. "I found my way back."
"Yes," Lucas said. "You did."
"I am not lost anymore."
"No. You are not."
I stood up. The notebook pressed against my chest.
"I want to go home," I said.
Lucas nodded. He put his hand on my back. Gentle. Warm.
"Let us go home," he said.
---
We drove back to the city in silence.
Sophie did not fall asleep this time. She just stared out the window, holding my hand. Kevin put his laptop away. Even he knew this was not a laptop moment.
The sun was setting. The sky was orange and pink and ridiculous.
"Lucas," I said.
"Yes?"
"Thank you. For sitting in the corner of the café. For not being scared. For staying."
He glanced at me in the rearview mirror. His ears were red.
"You are welcome, Vivian."
I smiled.
The notebook was found. The past was uncovered. The woman I used to be was no longer a mystery.
But the woman I was becoming? She was just getting started.