Those words, the pounding of my heart from the shadow that rushed over me in my memories and the shrieking sound of the guns and fire started to return to my ears as I stopped hearing anything else but my heart and the creak, the never-ending creak from that day.
It seems that day came back to haunt me. At the moment I lost it my mind went blank. I could see leaving the room with Hathor and Maha and dragging my heels on the floor as we reached the massive stairs. I believe the maid was as terrified as me at what was going on and I could see her brown eyes staring at the wide-open staircase and at the door at the bottom fearing that we might not reach it.
Stair after stair the dripping sweat that ran off the giant's forehead would occasionally find its way on my head or eyes as he tried to move his body to the next floor and to keep hold of me and the lady. His hand, big and clunky as it appeared to me firsthand was soft and calm, it was as if it wasn't even there, it was like a small embrace of a lily's petal on my cheek.
The stairs seemed endless and eternal as all I had were my towering thoughts of self-pity and worthless attitude while Hathor was risking his life to save me.
The lions and the bottom floor seemed like were moving and looking and me with anger and disappointment while in a moment's notice with just a blink of my eye there were back where they were.
My vision turned red as we approached that floor and fear started to creep its way inside my head. The condescending thought of finally meeting the end of my story was starting to make me disappointed with my own self and what was fear started to become anger and just in that second, the self-pity became self-hatred to what I became.
The fire in myself that I felt in the woods and the sacrifice of The Old Wolf, I'm not going to let it all end here. A voice shouted at me in my mind. I feel it is a distant memory - one that I can't recognise at all but it spoke these words:
'We are the masters, the lawmakers and the slaves of our own fate. Some are meant to rule while others to be ruled but not all who are ruled have a master and not all rulers have a kingdom. One can be master of his destiny and slave of his mind while another person can be a master of his trade and ruled by his own moral compass and balance. The intricacies of what we encompass are set purely and solely by our minds and choices we allow ourselves to take. So, break your chains and embrace both your authority and your servitude.'
My mind snapped back at that moment and I don't know what it was back then but the first thing I saw when I looked behind Hathor was the boots of a soldier beating down on the ground and hard and heavy breath of Maha as she struggled to run towards the door. I pulled H behind to show him that the soldier was gaining ground and like a flash of thunder, he shoved me towards the maid and charged towards the weary marksman who stood in front of the raging bull puffing each of his steps and the thundering rage of a lion guarding his pride.
From where I stood the scene seemed like a rolling hurricane that descended upon a small village. He brutally smashed upon his pray with the raw force of his body and thrashed him on the wooden board of the floor blasting him through.
Cracking open 3 splinters of the plywood, one-piece sticking on his bicep. The ox ran back to his flock as we passed the door of the mansion.
He took me in his arms the second we walked out the door and as he started to hasten his steps the maid asked :
'What is happening in there, why would Miss Astrid...'
'For one reason, survival, that's what her kind does and it's the only thing she knows, I thought she would honor at least a guest but it seems the only thing she will honor is the burning of her home and the death of her servants as she goes back to the hole from which it came, yes – it .'
Those words echoed in the depth of night as the howling winds of spring eve hid our footsteps. We entered the forest and sat down quietly next to a big fallen trunk. The breath of Hathor never blossomed words of goodwill, not from that moment forth, it was the last time I heard him speak nicely about anything to anyone:
'You were good people, honest folk, who ran from this war...It's despicable... you boy can't live out there on your own, someone has to teach you how to survive out here. I took an oath boy, I will have no mercy on you on the days that will come, be prepared for that, but what you will learn with me will just be a portion of what is to come in your life.
In time you will find out who you are and what you are meant to be. For now, I will teach you the old ways for they will be your guide, mother and father but make no mistake they have no pity on you either.
They will make your life no less easy but without a doubt, I will pity the fool who will cross your path in the future. From now on you will go by a different name so that no one will find us on the lands we will be roaming.
Siegfried will be your name, keep the sound of Klaus away from your lips and bury it deep inside of you, for it will be the fuel of all of your achievements and the drive of your sword and of your rage. Now rest young Klaus for you will be yourself no more.'
Another day of fire after the cleansing of cold and water as I waited the night to pass with my back against the hardwood and my eyes set on the sickle moon above me laughing at my demise .
But the sky shined red that night as it once did but the forest sang a different choir, one of music and of good fortune, the owls and wolves, bears and squirrels, deer and fox, all welcomed me into the fold of the wild, as Hathor's words echoed through all that is living... and all that it was dead.
Fire, fire...Fire! Burning wood is all I remember from that night at our house, the smell of wood-burning and the red scarlet blood of the soldier dripping down my father's foot but when the soldier fell it bore the face of my father.
'Wake up boy, wake up!'
That was the voice of my new teacher waking me up, I was Siegfried now, a simple hunter's boy learning the trade from his old man. But it was not that at all, it was a different story altogether.
He got some ash from the fire and covered me all up. The smell that I tried to forget for such a long time, made its way inside my nostrils once again as my insides felt like soup and my eyes were watery from the smoke.
'Why are we doing this ?'
He did not say a word not even one look at me, he was a different person too, Maha looked at me and smiled, it was good that at least she tried to look happy, even though we all knew deep down that we were broken.
Hathor gathered all the materials from nearby that we needed and started walking behind the tree, again Maha was as clueless as I was, but we started walking behind him.
His pace quickened and he gained ground, we eventually managed to catch up to him. His pace did not loosen, not even a little. It seemed he didn't even care if I was following or not.
I was lost, he was the only one I was going to follow anyways and Maha too so it was not really a choice. We walked, and we walked, it seemed never-ending and he never fading. I eventually stumbled and fell, my arm was cut in some branch and I could see it piercing through my skin, Maha stopped gave me a piece of her dress and continued walking, it is clear to me now but then the only thing inside my head was sadness and grief.
I didn't move from that spot and my savior was getting farther and farther away as tears started to run down my cheeks and I started screaming at them to come back. But it was no answer from him, only a look back from Maha but nothing more, she knew a little of what was going on, but I never knew that back then.
In my head it was all black and white, all wanted me gone and all wanted me dead. But in front of my eyes, a miniature version of myself happened to be in the same situations, a small mouse trapped in vines, couldn't move even though it struggled.
He was not going to get out of there easily, not without help. But something else came out of the leaves, a green snake, my heart stopped as the movie unveiled just in front of my eyes, I shouted at the mouse, move, move, but it just won't go, it didn't understand.
The snake got closer and closer and in a split second took him inside the cage of his jaws, swallowed it hole it did. It was not that thought that moved me that day but instinct. The realization of what I had to do.
When I looked, there was no Hathor and there was no Maha, just me, the snake and the mouse, I quickly grabbed that piece of fabric and picked myself off the ground and ran straight ahead. My arm was stinging gruesomely when I stopped and sat next to a bush and wrapped the piece of fabric I had from Maha around my arm. I quickly resumed running. And run I did for hours and hours.
Until eventually night came and I found myself stranded next to a clearing, The moon shined beautifully but I knew it was not a good place to stay as anyone could see me.
There was no fire that day, I was afraid of it but the moon, the moon reminded me of home in some way. There was this old book, father used to keep away from me. He said it contained a story that was too scary for me and that it was about a monster called Dracula, that lived inside a big castle.
It scarred me back then a lot, but now it gives me warmth as it reminded me of home. Strangely, something so dark can remind me of something so harmonious.
The clear bright light of the morning crawled its way through the scarcely populated forest and as it reached the root of my head and climbing towards my eyes.
I remember waking up in that instant but when my gaze escaped the inner courtyard of my mind I saw the nose and mouth of what it seemed like the Old Wolf but without scars and the pale bleached white in his eyes gave up ground to a bright blue hue that gave me peace of mind.
The memory of the wolf comforted me and put a smile to my eyes as he was my patron and guide in this world and it seems as if he again guarded my sleep so I could regain my strength. As soon as the light reached my eyes and covered The Wolf, I blinked and regained consciousness of reality.
What before was an image of my home and past soon became the present and I saw the clearing where I slept but something was odd, instead of feeling cold I felt comfortable and warm.
The forest floor was incredible compared to the awful boat where we spent weeks traveling on the river and enduring nature's harsh transformation but all was gone and compared to that it was as if I was back home once again.
But the warmth was unusual, unnatural and it seemed that I was right. Next to my resting place were the smoky remains of a fire that seemed that it ended recently, I knew exactly who it was back then but it never occurred to me why he was doing all this.
Next to the fire, there was a scribble in the grass, a word maybe. I took a glimpse at the ground and there it was, one word and nothing else
Follow!
I looked around endlessly for a moment until I saw the big lumpy footsteps of the giant crossing the clearing and into the forest. It was clear that it was him, as his weight pushed down onto the ground and it is clear to me now that he did that on purpose to lead me and put me on the road again.
I rose quickly and recklessly started to follow the trail away from the clearing and into the young forest. Step by step the woods grew thicker and thinker and while I didn't notice it only too late, the grave detail was that the footsteps of the giant were getting lighter and lighter and rarer by the mile but the test was only about to come and imagine the shock when I found out the trap that was laid down for me and the disappointment when I realized I walked right into it.
I walked and I walked and even though it was barely dusk, the thickness of the forest made it hard for me to realize the real-time that it was, like the light red and yellow hue of the forest lost to the grim orchestra of this Dusk Wood.
I eventually gave up a few seconds of walking to look down on the ground but it was too late, they were gone, the steps were gone, the way lost.
I quickly looked around frantically but there was no way, the path has disappeared. I sat down on the ground a moment to look at my surroundings and analyze the position I was in.
There was no trail, even though I still kept hope that it was not over yet. There was no song of the birds, no grasshoppers to see jumping around the forest ground, the Woods were fierce and merciless, I knew I shouldn't let despair guide my thoughts but it was for naught if I could not survive that night.
It got dark sooner than I could ever have expected but there was no more silence, there was a glim sign of a red sky, which means it was barely the end of dusk. But the forest lit up with activity, as bats and owls, wolfs and foxes all left their holes and began to scour the forest floor for food.
I knew then that I could not trust the spirits of the forest to guide me, I needed light, I needed it desperately. When dad was not gathering and foraging to have something to eat we were gathering wood for the fire and I learned all the things that were needed for my survival.
I knew just where to find them and what to look for. I was anxious to get it started and I immediately started to gather both sticks and twigs and any dry branches and wood and bark that I could find, but nevertheless, the growing darkness made it hard as my feet became a memory I long have forgotten.
The secret ingredient to making a fire was not all the wood I could find but how to start the fire. Father always used a grey plant that grew on trees, the name of it doesn't come to me right now so I'll just name it old man's beard as it looked just like that.
There was a bunch of that in this part of the forest and while gathering the last needed bits of material I remembered one tiny detail.
I only remembered what materials to gather, where to find them, what to use them for and how to keep the fire going but I could not remember how to light the fire.
My eyes went blank and I fell to the ground losing the wood in my hand to their quick numbness. I stood there a few minutes looking into the endless darkness of the forest so that I don't lose it all .
I was near the edge of losing my mind again when a little green critter jumped on my knee and the most curious little mechanism lit my mind on fire. The way he made sound made me remember just exactly how my dad managed to make a fire.
I quickly and desperately raided the forest floor for what I needed. I grabbed a straight branch and a piece of big wood bark I dropped when I fell to the ground and a big chunk of tree beard and put it inside the bark. My heart was racing as I felt it running marathons around my body and my hand like a rattlesnake as I placed the stick inside the bark.
I started to twist the stick as fast as I could, it probably was the most demanding and exhausting thing I ever did, I actually swore after that I would always have a lighter with me or flint as that gruesome process takes a lot of time and effort.
My hands were burning and but the smell of smoke in the air made it clear for me that I had to do it faster and faster even if I started to bleed but nevertheless it gave me hope that it would not be the end of me and that nature always left an escape for those that give their hearts to want to look for it.
Mother Nature is a cruel mistress but for all that cruelty it always seeks to help those that get lost in her domain. My blood was dripping into the wood and I could see it settle down there like a sacrifice, at that moment I learned that when you want to do something you better give it your all or else nature will just take it and not in the way you are expecting.
My arms were aching, and the pain coursed through my body like a hot wire that slipped through my veins. But it was not in vain, as all my wishes were answered- fire.
My smile broke through my latent morbid expression that inhabited my body and my spirit, I was ready to take on this trial once more. I grabbed the bark without a second to lose and ran to the pile of wood I prepared beforehand and I could feel my feet losing their grip as I reached it and they were like grass bending in the wind except this time it was a hurricane, and ecstasy ran through my whole body as I could not wait not even a second more.
I put the bark into the wood and I started to blow my lungs off if need be, and I did that for a few seconds as I could see the warm embrace of fire that came , the fire was not a huge fire , but it was just what I needed to scour my surroundings, but it quickly grew bigger as I put more wood into it so that was not the problem.
The real question was where is the path that Hathor laid out for me as the instruction was clear, I needed to follow the way, the way was clearly sacred ,I needed to find it .
I couldn't survive there for weeks not because I could not survive ,it was because I don't know who might be following us from the mansion, as not only his footsteps but also mine could lead someone where, and Hathor is not someone easily missed or to lose sight off.
I looked around for minutes for the clue, as it seemed like he vanished into thin air but the actual way he did it was to limit the area where he put his feet so it would not leave a clear mark, it needed a more experienced eye, but the answer was here, I just needed a clue , it was all I needed.
I eventually sat down next to the fire when pain hit me hard and I cracked something, it was a piece of firewood I forgot about but it hit me not only with pain but with just the clue I needed to find my way back to the giant, broken twigs and branches could not be missed in his way, or maybe not all, but not only wood but also leaves and out of place leaves and branches, his height and weight made it extremely hard to miss all those .
All he could do was limit the footprint he left but he could not limit the effect he had on the nearby vegetation. It was incredible, I quickly found a small track of leaves and broken twigs that continued from just the way I came.
But I could not go in full night without any light whatsoever so I remember something my father used to do when we were on our own in the woods. He made a torch using wood resin that we could find everywhere , it was hard to find in the young forest that we always found ourselves in, but where I was right now it was perfect, all the trees gave off some resin.
I quickly took a thicker branch than all the ones I used before and I tore a big chunk of my shirt and I put it in every resin I could find nearby, I filled it immediately with a lot of small twigs that I made it like a cotton ball that mom used to make hats.
I stuck the stick inside it and strongly tied the top of the torch to it. I put it without hesitation near the flame of my fire so that it could light by itself, and it quickly burst into flame. I quickly put some earth on the fire to stop it as much as I could so that I would not be so easily followed but so that I would not linger so much around. I needed to be on my way.
I quickly started my long march forward, my way was found, light led my way. I was protected against the night, there was hope for me yet.
My steps quickly followed the path that was laid out in front of me, they drove me without hesitation through the night as the songs of owls and crickets followed me, wolves sang an orchestra of my victory over mother nature today.
It was incredible, light can overcome darkness and bring forward the beauty of it, even if at first it may seem horrifying and unforgiving. The Old Wolf guided my footsteps, I could sense his presence not supernaturally but inside my memory, he is a memory of Mother Nature sticking out his champion for me as it felt my deep sorrow and fear.
But now it drives me not for sorrow but with pride and a sense of achievement. I needed to make sure all their sacrifices were not in vain, the wolf, my parents, the risk Hathor took to save me. All I am right now is just the result of all their hard work and dedication.
Strangely so I was not tired at all that night, my eyes did not falter for even as second, I was on full alert and with my mindset to my goal. The giant's way was in my grasp.
Step by step I followed the path for hours as the dawn broke and my torch was spent, I found myself surrounded with the morning sunlight bathing on my skin as I left the woods and came into a large grassland that seemed to never end.
Hathor could not avoid at all the long grass that led into the horizon. The path was clearly set, I didn't need the torch anymore. I continued to follow the path without pause to eat or drink anything, the tall grass was a sight for sore eyes as it's touch was like silk drapery that followed the lines of my body.
The warm touch of the sun reminded me of my mother's touch and most of all it gave me hope that it won't always be like this, there was always another way to follow, a better one, a straighter one, not all roads are dangerous you just have to know where to look.
I could hear small rabbits and small birds leaving the hideout of the grass and I could see them running sometimes from me or crossing my path entirely.
It was heartwarming to think that nature carried while it has not the foggiest of the world around them, it lived peacefully away from our influence.