Yongle Year 22, September. Beijing.
I was dug out of my blanket by Ruolan before dawn. "Miss, time to get up." Her voice was very light, but her hands were not gentle at all, pulling my arm to lift me up. I opened my eyes; the canopy was still the same canopy, but outside people were already moving, footsteps very light, but many. Like ants moving house, rustling. I sat on the edge of the bed, so sleepy I couldn't open my eyes. I didn't sleep well last night. Not from nervousness, but Huang Tuan meowed twice in the middle of the night, I got up to check, it just turned over. Then I couldn't sleep. Staring at the canopy, thinking about what to wear today, what to do, what to say. Thinking about what he would wear, what he would do, what he would say. Thinking that from today on, I wasn't just "Miss Song" anymore. Ruolan stood beside me, holding a water basin, eyes red. "Miss, wash your face first." Her voice was a bit hoarse, like she had been holding back for a long time. I looked at her. "Did you cry?" She shook her head. "No. Sand got in my eyes." Beijing in September, where would there be sand? I didn't expose her.
The one combing my hair was an old maid, hands very steady, stroke by stroke, combing very slowly. The bronze mirror reflected my face, sleepy, eyes a bit swollen. I stared at that person in the mirror for a long time. She was still me. But after today, she wouldn't be. "Miss's hair is really good," the maid said. I hummed, didn't respond. She continued combing, stroke by stroke. Combed for a long time. Makeup was also her. Powder very white, rouge very red, eyebrows drawn very long. I stared at that person in the mirror, the more I looked the less like myself. "Too heavy," I said. The maid's hand paused. "Crown Princess, these are the rules." I looked at her, she also looked at me. Then she wiped off a bit of rouge, also wiped off a bit of eyebrow. Powder was still white, but not that white. Rouge was still red, but not that red. Eyebrows were still long, but not that long. I looked at that person in the mirror, still didn't look like me. But better than before.
"Thank you," I said. The maid paused. Probably no one had ever said thank you to her. She lowered her head, continued painting.
Clothes were put on layer by layer. Underwear, middle coat, outer robe, great gown. Red, gold, embroidered with phoenix patterns. Every layer put on, Ruolan would say "Miss looks so beautiful." Said it four times. I believed it. Finally the crown. Gold, very heavy, pressing on my head, neck straightened. I adjusted it, Ruolan quickly said "don't move." I didn't move. Standing there, looking at the person in the mirror. Red, gold, phoenix patterns. The pearls and kingfisher feathers on the crown swayed, shimmering under the lamplight. Not me anymore. I stared at that person in the mirror, for a long time. She was also looking at me. Her eyes were mine, nose was mine, mouth was mine. But she wasn't me. She was the Crown Princess.
"Let's go," I said. Voice steadier than I expected. Ruolan's eyes turned red again, this time didn't say it was sand. She followed behind me, helping hold my skirt hem. The skirt hem was very long, dragging on the ground, rustling, like something following behind.
The Imperial Ancestral Temple was to the left of the Meridian Gate. Dawn had just broken, the hall was already full of people. Lamps very bright, incense very thick, air carried a stuffy smell of sandalwood and wax oil mixed together, pressing against the nostrils. I stood at the entrance, looking at those people inside. They wore court robes, stood neatly, no one speaking, no one moving. Zhu Gaochi stood at the very front, beside him the Empress. Zhu Gaoxu stood in the back, the Third Prince beside him. Zhu Zhanji stood below Zhu Gaochi, wearing that black ceremonial robe, same as the accession ceremony day. His back was very straight, just like every time. His hands hung by his side, fingers slightly curling. He didn't turn his head, but I felt he was waiting for me. Everyone was standing, waiting.
I took a deep breath, walked in. Steps very slow, not that I wanted to be slow, but this outfit was too heavy, the crown too heavy, couldn't walk fast. Skirt hem dragged on the ground, rustling, Ruolan helped hold it behind me, but still dragged. All eyes fell on me. I didn't look at them. I looked ahead. Looking at Zhu Zhanji's back. He stood there, lamp shining on him, his shadow cast on the ground, very long. I walked to his side, stopped. He turned his head, looking at me. That glance was very short, so short it was like just confirming I was still there. But he looked at me for a long time. So long I thought he was going to say something. He didn't say. Just looked at me. Then turned back. His ears weren't red. But his fingers moved slightly inside his sleeve, quickly, like confirming something. Confirming I was still there. Confirming I stood beside him. Confirming I wasn't a dream.
The ritual official began to chant. Voice very loud, echoing in the hall, every word clear, but I didn't hear clearly. Something like "reporting to Heaven and Earth," something like "spirits of ancestors," something like "investiture of Crown Princess." I only heard one sentence clearly. "Kneel."
I knelt down. Knees knocked against the stone slab, icy cold. Crown very heavy, pressing neck painful. I lowered my head, looking at the ground. Stone slab very slippery, polished shiny, could see my own reflection, red, a small ball. The ritual official chanted another passage. "Rise." I stood up. Knees painful, neck painful, waist also painful. "Kneel." Knelt again. Stone slab still icy cold. Crown still so heavy. I knelt there, staring at the ground, only one thought in my heart: how many more times to kneel? Can't ask. Asking is disrespect. Can't stop. Stopping is loss of propriety. Can't frown. Frowning is unwillingness. I knelt, waited, endured. Knees painful, neck painful, waist painful, head also painful. Crown too heavy, pressing me couldn't lift my head. I remembered the first time I saw him, also didn't kneel. He asked me "who are you," I said "Song Yu'an." Didn't kneel. Later also didn't kneel. Not in Eastern Palace, not in Northern Desert, not in Qianqing Palace side hall. He never made me kneel. Now making me kneel isn't him. It's rules. It's ritual system. It's the three words "Crown Princess." He stood beside me, couldn't kneel for me. Couldn't say "stop kneeling" for me. Couldn't say "enough" for me. He could only stand there, watching. Lamp shone on his face, his expression very calm. But his fingers were clenched inside his sleeve, knuckles white.
The ritual official chanted another passage. "Kneel."
I was about to kneel, he spoke. "Enough."
Voice not loud, tone very flat. Like saying "drink tea." But everyone in the hall heard it. The hall fell silent for a moment. The ritual official was stunned, the booklet in his hand stopped mid-air, mouth open, didn't know whether to continue chanting. Zhu Gaoxu raised his head, looking at him. The Third Prince also looked at him. The Empress looked at him. Everyone looked at him. Zhu Zhanji stood there, motionless. His expression very calm, just like every day. On his hand, where the gauze had been wrapped, the scar remained, pinkish, faint under the lamplight. He didn't explain. Didn't say "she's tired," didn't say "she knelt too many times," didn't say "enough." He just said "enough." Two words. The ritual official looked at him, then looked at Zhu Gaochi. Zhu Gaochi smiled a little. That smile was very light, just like when he said "just adding a pair of chopsticks." "Listen to the Crown Prince," he said.
The ritual official paused, then closed the booklet. "Ritual completed." Voice much smaller than before, like hadn't reacted yet. I stood there, knees still painful, neck still painful, waist still painful. But I couldn't help wanting to laugh. He said "enough." In the Imperial Ancestral Temple, before the ancestors, with everyone watching, he said "enough." Not "excused from礼节", not "rise", is "enough." He didn't want me to kneel anymore. Not because I couldn't kneel, but—he didn't want to. From the alley. From the Northern Desert. From the first day. He didn't want me to kneel. He never made me kneel. Not in Eastern Palace, not in Northern Desert, not in Qianqing Palace side hall. Now also not. He wouldn't say "I feel bad for you," wouldn't say "don't kneel," wouldn't say "I can't bear it." He would only stand there, with everyone watching, say "enough." Then wait for me to stand up. When I stood up, legs a bit weak. Crown too heavy, knelt too long, knees painful and numb. I swayed, he reached out to hold my arm. Just once, quickly let go. People beside probably didn't notice. I noticed. His hand very steady, just like every time.
Out of the Imperial Ancestral Temple, Ruolan supported me, whispering: "Miss, are you okay?" Her eyes still red, voice a bit hoarse. "Okay," I said. "Just knees hurt." "Go back, this servant will rub it for you." "No need." I paused. "He blocked it for me." Ruolan paused. Then laughed. "His Highness treats Miss so well."
I didn't speak. Walking in the corridor, sunlight shining on my body, warm. Crown still so heavy, clothes still so heavy, but walking not that tiring anymore. He walked in front, pace neither fast nor slow, just like every day. I stepped on his shadow, step by step. "Zhu Zhanji." "Mm." "When you said 'enough' just now, the ritual official was stunned." He didn't answer. Walked a few steps, then said: "Mm." "Aren't you afraid he won't finish chanting?" "Won't." "Why?" He didn't answer. Walked a few steps, then said: "Father said to listen to the Crown Prince." I paused. Then laughed. "So you did it on purpose?" He didn't answer. But I saw his ears turn red. Starting from the ear tips, slowly down. Just like every time. I laughed, didn't expose him.
The patent and seal were seen later. The patent was jade, very big, very heavy, characters carved on it. The seal was gold, also very heavy. I held them, hands shaking. Not from fear, but too heavy. Ruolan beside said "Miss be careful," I hummed, put it on the table. Paper was yellow, characters black, seal red. Same as the edict. But different. The edict was written by Zhu Gaochi, the patent was written by him. I stared at those characters, for a long time. Handwriting neat, just like when he wrote memorials. Every stroke very forceful, like afraid of making a mistake. No mistake. He wrote my name. Song Yu'an. Three characters, he wrote many times. On paper, on lists, in his heart. But this time, he wrote it on the patent, sealed it, letting everyone see. This is me. The person he chose. I touched those three characters, fingertips touching the paper surface, rustling. Paper cold, characters sunken, stroke by stroke, like carved in. When he wrote it, probably also like this, stroke by stroke. Afraid of making a mistake.
The ceremonial robes still hung on the rack, red, gold, phoenix patterns. I stood in front of it, looked for a long time. Have to wear it tomorrow. Tomorrow have to wear it to Kunning Palace, to pay respects to the Empress, to pay respects to Zhu Gaochi. Day after tomorrow also have to wear. In the future always have to wear. Wear until it's old, broken, can't wear anymore. Then change to new ones. Still red, gold, phoenix patterns. But the person inside is still me. Still the one who fell out of the cricket jar, the one who hit the back of his hand, the one who bandaged him in the Northern Desert, hands shaking so much couldn't hold the medicine bottle steady. The one he said "enough" to in the Imperial Ancestral Temple, standing beside him. His person. I reached out to touch that ceremonial robe, fingertips touching the phoenix pattern, gold, raised, pressing against the palm. Have to wear it tomorrow. But today, I'm still Song Yu'an. Just Song Yu'an. I turned around, didn't look anymore.
(End of Chapter Forty-Three)