Yongle Year 22, September. Beijing.
When I woke up, my first reaction was—did I promise something yesterday? Then I slowly remembered. Investiture. Crown Princess. Imperial Ancestral Temple. Kneel. Kneel. Kneel. He said "Enough." I stood up. Ritual completed. Then—came back. I lay there for a while, staring at the canopy. The canopy was new, embroidered with golden phoenixes, same patterns as that ceremonial robe. Those phoenix patterns shimmered faintly in the morning light, one connected to another, winding into a circle. When I counted to the seventh one, I suddenly realized something—this isn't my room. My room was in the Eastern Palace side room, windowsill had the kumquat pot, shelf had the Great General's jar, Huang Tuan's nest by the bed. Here there was no kumquat pot, no Great General, no Huang Tuan. The canopy was gold, the bed was wide, the quilt was silk. His. This is his room. His bed. I slept in his bed. I slowly turned my head. Someone beside me.
Zhu Zhanji was already awake. He was lying on his side, hand under his head, looking at me. Don't know how long he'd been looking. His hair was loose, draped over his shoulders, different from his usual tied-up look. Usually he stood at the table, wearing black clothes, interrogating people, changing people, saying "change a bit." Now he lay beside me, hair loose, eyes not fully open, eyelashes very long, casting a small shadow. Like when cutting apples in the Eastern Palace side room. But different. In the Eastern Palace side room, he sat across from me, separated by a table. Now he lay beside me, separated by—nothing. His hand was right beside mine, his breath right by my ear, his eyes right in front of me. I stared at him for three seconds. Then suddenly sat up.
"When did you get here?" My voice was louder than expected, echoing in the quiet room, then fading.
He looked at me, tone very flat. "Always here."
Always here. What does "always here" mean? This is his room. After the investiture yesterday, they said "Crown Princess returns to Eastern Palace," then I returned to the Eastern Palace. But the Eastern Palace is his. This room is his. This bed is also his. I slept in his bed. He was also here. He said "always here." Not "I just woke up," not "I came to see you," but "always here." He had always been here. Since last night. I looked down at myself. Clothes changed, not that red gold phoenix-patterned one, but a moon-white undergarment, soft, thin. Who changed it? Ruolan. Must be Ruolan. I took a deep breath.
"Is it too late for me to run now?"
He looked at me, corner of his mouth twitched. "Too late."
I paused. Then laughed. "Why?" He didn't answer. Just looked at me. That glance was very short, so short it was like just confirming I was still there. But I saw something in his eyes, very light, very soft, like that feeling right after waking up in the morning, not yet suppressed. He rarely looked at me like this. Not in the Eastern Palace, not in the Northern Desert, not in the alley. He always suppressed, held back, hid those things inside his sleeves, together with that strip of white cloth. Now he wasn't hiding. Maybe because he just woke up, maybe because he forgot, maybe because—no need to hide anymore. I stared at his eyes for a long time. He didn't dodge. Didn't look away. Just looked at me, just like every day. But every day was different. Every day he sat at the table, I stood beside him. Now he lay beside me, I sat beside him. Separated by a layer of quilt. His hand was right beside mine.
Someone knocked outside. Ruolan's voice came through. "Your Highness, Crown Princess, time to get up. Need to pay respects to the Emperor and Empress."
I came to, hair sliding off my shoulders, covering my back. Ruolan brought water in, seeing us two sitting on the bed, both with loose hair. Her face turned red, head lowered, placing the water basin on the table. "This servant will serve the Crown Princess to wash and dress." She whispered. Voice much lighter than usual. Zhu Zhanji stood up, walked behind the screen. His clothes were already placed there, folded neatly. I sat on the bed, watching Ruolan comb my hair. Her hands shook a bit today, comb hitting the scalp, light then heavy.
"Ruolan."
"Mm."
"What are you nervous about?"
She paused, then laughed. "This servant is not nervous."
I looked at her hands in the mirror. Knuckles a bit white, gripping the comb, like afraid it would fall. "Your hands are shaking," I said. She looked down at her hands, quickly let go, then gripped tighter. "This servant... this servant just..." She didn't finish. I laughed. "Alright, won't tease you anymore." She also laughed, continued combing. Hands stopped shaking.
Finished washing and dressing, changed clothes. Not yesterday's, but a new one, also red, but not that heavy, crown also smaller, not that tiring to wear. I stood before the bronze mirror, looking at myself. Still me, but also not me. Ruolan beside said "Crown Princess looks so beautiful," I hummed, believed it. Walking out, Zhu Zhanji was already waiting in the courtyard. He changed into a black casual robe, leather belt around his waist, hair tied neatly. Just like every day. But he stood there, looking at the kumquat pot on the windowsill. The kumquat sprout had grown a bit taller, tender green, swaying in the morning light. He looked for a long time, then turned his head, seeing me. Gaze paused for a moment. Very short, so short it was like just confirming I was still there. But I saw it. There was something in his eyes, very light, very soft, same as just now on the bed. He withdrew it quickly, I hadn't seen clearly, it was gone. But I saw it.
"Let's go," he said.
I followed him. Walking beside him, not behind. Hands hanging by sides, fingertips touching his sleeve. He didn't dodge. I didn't pull back either. Walked a few steps, he suddenly reached out, grabbed my hand. Not holding hands, but grabbing. Fingers threading through my fingers, clasping, palm against palm. His hand was very warm. Different from the alley. In the alley his hand was cold, gauze rubbing against my hand, rough, astringent. Now gauze removed, scar still there, pinkish, pressing against my palm. He walked beside me, pace neither fast nor slow, just like every day. But he was holding my hand. Didn't let go.
I whispered. "Do we have to kneel?"
He glanced at me. "Yes."
"Is it too late for me to run now?"
He looked at me, corner of his mouth twitched. "Try it."
I paused. Then laughed. Didn't try, followed him forward. He held my hand, didn't let go. Passing the corridor, several eunuchs saw us, lowered their heads, retreated to the side. Their eyes didn't look at us, but I felt them watching. Watching his hand holding mine, watching his pace neither fast nor slow, watching my face turn red. I also felt my face turning red. No mirror, but I knew. Hot. Starting from ears, slowly down. Different from him. His ears turn red from the tips, my face gets hot from the cheeks. Can't hide. He also saw it. Didn't say. Just held my hand, continued walking.
Arrived at Kunning Palace. The Empress sat at the head, holding a bowl of tea, not drinking. Seeing us enter, she smiled a little. That smile was very light, like saying "eat it." "You're here?" she asked.
I nodded. "Here."
She looked at me, for a long time. Then she laughed. "Yesterday not yet, today already is." Tone very light, like joking. I paused, didn't know how to respond. Say "yes"? Too silly. Say "I didn't expect it either"? Too informal. Say "Father decided it all"? Too evasive. I stood there, holding the tea bowl, didn't know what to say. Zhu Zhanji beside me, didn't help. But the corner of his mouth twitched, like suppressing a laugh. The Empress also saw it, didn't expose him.
"Sit down," she said. We sat at the lower seats. Tea was served, hot. I held it in my palms, didn't drink. The Empress looked at us, smiled a little. "Don't be nervous," she said. "Just paying respects, not interrogating a case." Zhu Zhanji lifted the tea bowl, took a sip, put it down. I followed him, also took a sip. Hot, bitter. Swallowed it. The Empress watched my actions, smiled a little.
"Take it slow," she said. "She's not familiar yet." Not said to Zhu Zhanji, but to the maid beside. The maid nodded, glanced at me, said nothing. I held the tea bowl, didn't know what to say. Zhu Zhanji beside me, also didn't speak. The Empress looked at him, then at me, smiled a little.
"You two are getting more taciturn one after another." Zhu Zhanji lifted the tea bowl, took another sip. I followed him, also took a sip. The Empress laughed, this time laughed out loud. "Alright, go pay respects to the Emperor." She paused. "He has more rules, be careful."
Stood up, bowed, walked out. Reaching the door, the Empress called me. "Crown Princess." I turned back. She looked at me, smiled a little. "Don't be afraid of him. He just looks fierce." I paused. Then laughed. "Okay." Zhu Zhanji stood at the door, waiting for me. I walked over, he held my hand, didn't let go.
Walking out, I whispered: "Why didn't you help me just now?"
"Help with what?"
"The Empress said 'yesterday not yet, today already is'—I didn't know how to respond."
He looked at me, corner of his mouth twitched. "No need to respond."
"Why?"
"What she said is the truth."
I paused. Then laughed. He held my hand, continued walking forward. Sunlight shone on my body, warm. His hand very warm, my hand also very warm. Pressed together, can't tell whose is whose.
Arrived at Qianqing Palace. Zhu Gaochi sat at the head, memorials spread before him, vermilion brush resting on the inkstone. He just finished court, hadn't changed clothes yet, still wearing court robes, dragon-patterned, yellow, very heavy. Seeing us enter, he put down the vermilion brush, smiled a little. "You're here?" Voice a bit hoarse, like tired.
I nodded. "Here."
He looked at me, for a long time. Then he laughed. "Knees hurt from yesterday, right?" I paused. Didn't expect him to ask this. "It's okay," I said. He smiled a little. "No need to hide it. Zhanji also knelt when he was young, told me his legs hurt after kneeling." Zhu Zhanji beside me, didn't speak. But his ears turned red. Starting from the ear tips, slowly down. I saw it. He also knew he was seen, but didn't dodge. Just stood there, looking at the tea bowl before him. Zhu Gaochi also saw it, didn't expose him.
"No need to kneel so much in the future," Zhu Gaochi said. "Rules are made by people,差不多 is enough." I paused. Zhu Zhanji beside me, lifted the tea bowl, took a sip, put it down. "Father is right," he said. Tone very flat, like saying "drink tea." But I knew, he was thanking him. Thanking him for saying "no need to kneel so much in the future." Thanking him for saying this for me. Thanking him for being that "peacemaker." Zhu Gaochi looked at him, smiled a little. "Alright, go." He paused. "No need to come this early tomorrow. I can't get up." I laughed. "Okay."
Out of Qianqing Palace, sunlight shone on my body, warm. He walked beside me, hand still holding mine. Didn't let go. I couldn't help saying: "Your family has too many rules."
He glanced at me. "Just found out?"
I thought for a moment. "I agreed too quickly yesterday."
He paused. Looked at me. That glance was very short, so short it was like just confirming I was still there. But the corner of his mouth twitched, very light, very fast.
"Too late," he said.
I paused. Then laughed. He held my hand, continued walking forward. The kumquat pot still on the windowsill, sprout grown a bit taller. He said it would sprout. What he said, he would do. He said "too late." Not "too late to run," but "already decided." Since yesterday, since he said "she can," since he said "enough," since he pulled me in the alley, since he asked me "hungry?" in the Northern Desert, since he pushed the teapot over in the Eastern Palace side room saying "drink tea." Long ago too late. Too late since the first day. I walked beside him, hand in hand. Didn't let go. Won't let go in the future either.
(End of Chapter Forty-Four)