Hongzhi Year 18, Fifteenth Day of the Second Month.
These few days, Hongzhi Emperor's illness fluctuated. Good times could sit up drink bowl of congee, bad times coughed whole night couldn't sleep. Imperial doctors took turns guarding, everyone's eyes drifting, saying "no big trouble" dared not look at people.
Midnight, when Liu Jin came banging door, I already slept.
"Jiang Li! Jiang Li! Hurry up! Emperor—Emperor not good—"
I threw on outer garment ran out. Qianqing Palace direction lights bright, eunuchs maids coming and going, footsteps urgent light, like a swarm of startled ants. Medicine smell gushing out from palace door, thick enough to choke, mixed with a heavy, indescribable scent—I smelled this scent in hospital. Is when person about to leave, body emitting smell.
Zhu Houzhao standing at bedchamber door.
He didn't go in. Door open, could see inside shadows swaying, imperial doctors knelt by bed, Empress sitting bedside, holding Hongzhi Emperor's hand. Zhu Houzhao standing outside threshold, like a wooden stake nailed into ground.
I walked over, stood beside him. He didn't look at me, kept looking inside.
"How long?" I asked.
"One hour ago woke up." Liu Jin whispered beside. "Coughing blood, couldn't stop."
Zhu Houzhao didn't speak. His hand hanging by side, fingers slightly curled, knuckles white.
Palace came a bout of coughing, heavy, like something being hard dragged out from chest. Empress's voice saying something, couldn't hear clearly, but tone urgent. Imperial doctors' voices lower, like discussing something, or like shifting blame.
Zhu Houzhao's hand clenched.
I stood beside him, didn't speak.
Didn't know how long passed—maybe a stick of incense, maybe an hour—Empress came out from inside. Her eyes red, but face no expression, spine straight. Seeing Zhu Houzhao, paused.
"Go in see your Father Emperor." she said. Voice very flat, but I heard what pressed underneath.
Zhu Houzhao went in. I stood outside door, didn't follow.
Palace very quiet. Hongzhi Emperor lying on bed, face thinner than last time saw, cheekbones protruding, eye sockets sunken, skin thin like a sheet of paper. His eyes closed, breathing shallow, chest almost no rise and fall. Zhu Houzhao standing bedside, lowered head looking at him.
He didn't speak. Also didn't move. Just standing there, like a tree blown by wind long time, finally stopped.
After a while, he came out. Didn't look at me, walked out. I followed behind.
He walked very slow, steps heavy. Not tired kind of heavy—another kind, like a person carrying very heavy thing, walked very far road, still don't know how far still need walk.
Walking to Eastern Palace door, he stopped.
"You go back." he said. Voice very flat.
"What about you?"
"I stay a while."
He entered bedchamber, door closed. I stood at door, looking at that closed door, stood a while, went back.Next day, Hongzhi Emperor better. Could sit up, could drink congee, could even approve two memorials. Imperial doctors said "temporary illness, no big trouble", but I saw when they speaking, eyes drifting.
Third day, not good again.
Fourth day, better some.
Fifth day, worse.
Fluctuated like this for seven days.Eighth day night, Liu Jin came again.
"Jiang Li! His Highness call you!"
I ran to Eastern Palace, Zhu Houzhao not in bedchamber. Liu Jin pointed at roof.
"Up there."
I looked up. He sitting on roof, legs hanging outside eaves, moonlight shining on him, shadow cast on ground, very long.
"He how get up?"
"Climbed up." Liu Jin said. "Not let others follow."
"He call me?"
"His Highness said, 'call her come'."
I took deep breath, stepped on rockery by wall, grabbed tiles, climbed up bit by bit. Tiles very slippery, few times almost fell. Climbing to eaves edge, Zhu Houzhao extended hand pulled me up.
"Sit."
I sat beside him. Roof very high, could see whole palace. Qianqing Palace lights still on, far away, like a small patch of orange-red light.
"You climb so slow." he said.
"You climb fast so great?"
He didn't reply. Took a peanut from sleeve, threw in mouth, chewed.
"Father Emperor today coughed three times." he said. "Imperial doctors said fine."
I didn't speak.
"First time was morning, when I just arrived. Second time was afternoon, when I arrived he coughing, didn't let me in. Third time was evening, when I left."
He paused.
"Third time coughed very long."
Wind blew over roof, very cold. He crushed peanut shell, powder leaking from fingers, blown away by wind.
"When I little," he suddenly said. "Once high fever, burned till talking nonsense. Imperial doctors said might not make it. Father Emperor guarded me whole night."
He paused.
"Now I also want guard him whole night. But they not let me in. Said I Crown Prince, can't stay up late, tomorrow still need see ministers."
He didn't speak. Silent long time.
"Lizi," he said. "You afraid before?"
"Afraid before."
"Afraid what?"
I looked at distant Qianqing Palace lights.
"Afraid alone."
He turned head looked at me.
I sitting on roof, curled legs up, hugged knees.
"When I little, lived in Changzhou. Very south, beside a big lake, called Taihu Lake. Later went to Suzhou study."
"Suzhou?" he asked. "That not very far?"
"Very far. Take boat many days."
"You alone went?"
"Mm.那时候 (na shi) only fifteen sixteen, same age as you now."
He didn't speak, listened to me.
"Start not used to anything. Suzhou dialect not same as Changzhou, food also not same. Changzhou people love sweet, Suzhou people also love sweet, but still not same. School no one knew, alone eat, alone walk, alone go back to lodging."
"Later?"
"Later slowly got used. Made friends, knew which restaurant good, knew sick should find who. Graduated, went to farther place."
"How far?"
"Very far. Take boat long time, cross big sea. There weather very hot, all year hot, not like here have winter."
"You there do what?"
"Study. Learn medicine."
"Alone?"
"Alone."
Wind stopped. Roof very quiet. Distant Qianqing Palace lights still on, orange-red, like a lamp never blown out.
"Just arrived, nothing understood. They spoke words, one character didn't understand. Class sat last row, others all taking notes, I didn't even know what teacher saying. Homework couldn't do, exam failed. Eat meal others all have company, just me holding tray find corner sit."
I paused.
"Sick time most miserable. Once high fever, burned to thirty-nine degrees plus, whole body hurt, couldn't get up bed. Dorm only me alone. Want drink water, kettle empty. Want crawl up get water, legs soft couldn't stand. Just lying on bed, looking at ceiling, thinking, if die here, probably no one know."
Zhu Houzhao didn't speak. I saw his hand clenched, knuckles white.
"Later got better." I said. "Slowly learned their words, knew how order food, how ask way, how talk to teacher. Made friends, exam could pass. Also went many places—they那边 (na bian) have sea, very blue sea, beach white, sun shining on it, bright enough to dazzle."
"Then why you not go back?" he asked.
I silent a while.
"Can't go back."
He looked at me. Moonlight on his face, his eyes very bright.
"Why?"
I looked at him. His eyes very bright, very serious. He asked "your hometown have everything", asked "then why you not go back". He always thinking this matter.
"I not from here." I said.
He didn't speak.
"I come from that place, far from here. Not boat can reach far, is—separated by very very far distance. There people don't know here, here people don't know there."
"You from very far place come." he said. Not question, is statement.
"Mm."
"You cured my arm."
"Mm."
"You found out fake medicine."
"Mm."
"You saved me."
"Mm."
He looked at distant Qianqing Palace, silent long time.
"Then you still go back?"
I paused. His voice very flat, but I heard what pressed underneath—like a person asking a question he doesn't want answer to.
"Can't go back." I said.
He didn't speak. After a while, his hand reached over, held my hand.
His hand very cold. Fingers distinct, knuckles prominent. Same as first time climbing wall out palace, dry, but thinner than那时候 (na shi).
I didn't pull away. He didn't let go.
"You before alone." he said.
"Mm."
"Cold?"
I paused. He not asking "you afraid", is asking "cold". Like on roof blown wind so long, he first thought is this.
"Not cold." I said.
He held my hand tighter. His hand slowly warming up.
"Lizi."
"Mm?"
"My Father Emperor—"
He didn't finish. I held his hand tighter.
"I know." I said.
He didn't speak again. Leaned over, rested head on my shoulder. Very light, like afraid crush something. His hair rubbing my face, bit scratchy. I didn't move.
Distant came watch drum sound, one beat, one beat, muffled.
"You before alone carry." he said, voice very low. "Now no need."
I turned head, looked at him resting on my shoulder side face. His eyelashes long, under moonlight casting small shadow. His hand still holding my hand, didn't let go.
I lowered head, on his forehead lightly touched. Not kiss, is touch. Like when little sick, mom testing my forehead temperature.
His eyelashes trembled.
"You do what?" he asked, voice somewhat hoarse.
"Test if you hot."
"I not sick."
"Then why your ears red?"
He didn't speak. I held his hand tighter.
"I before alone," I said. "Now have you."
He didn't speak. But he held my hand tighter.
Didn't know how long passed, he straightened up, let go my hand.
"Go back." he said. "Cold."
"You go down first."
He climbed down first, stood on ground looked up at me. Moonlight on his face, eyes still red.
"Jump down. I catch you."
I jumped. He caught me. Landing, his arm circling my waist side, my forehead hit his chest. His heartbeat very fast, transmitting through fabric, beat by beat.
"Stand steady." he said.
"Mm." I didn't move.
He also didn't let go.
After a while, he let go, stepped back one step.
"Go in."
"Mm."
I turned to walk to side room. Walked few steps, turned back looked. He still standing in courtyard, moonlight shining on him, shadow cast on ground, very long.
"Tomorrow still come." he said.
"Good."
He laughed. Very light, mouth corner twitched up.
I turned around, continued walking.Walking to side room door, I stopped. Courtyard standing a person.
Empress Zhang.
She standing under moonlight, wearing plain daily clothes, not wearing crown, hair simply tied. Her eyes red, but face no expression. She looking at me, long time.
"He just now," she said. "Leaned on your shoulder."
I didn't speak. She didn't ask me why here, didn't ask why sit with him, didn't ask why he held my hand.
"When he little," she said. "High fever that time, imperial doctors said might not make it. His Father Emperor guarded one night, I guarded one night. He burned till talking nonsense, calling 'Father Emperor' 'Mother Empress'."
She paused.
"Later he got better. Never had big illness again. Also didn't let people worry. Fell didn't cry, hurt didn't say. Later grew up, even more didn't let people approach."
She looked at me.
"Just now he leaned on your shoulder."
I looked at her. Her eyes red, but spine very straight. She is Empress. She can't cry. She can't bend waist in front of people. She guarded one night, came out from bedchamber, walked here, saw her own son leaning on someone else's shoulder.
"He before not like this." she said. "He not let people approach."
I didn't speak.
She looked at me a while.
"You name?"
"Jiang Li."
"Jiang Li." she repeated. "You from where?"
I thought. "Changzhou. Later went Suzhou. Then later, went very far place."
"How far?"
"Very far."
She looked at me, gaze carrying something indescribable. Not scrutiny, nor gratitude—is a very deep, very heavy thing, like a person walked in darkness long time, suddenly saw a bit of light.
"He trusts you." she said.
Not question. Is statement.
She turned and walked. Walked two steps, paused, didn't turn back, then continued walking. Moonlight stretched her shadow very long, like a person walked long road, still not reached end.
I stood in place, watching her back disappear at corridor end.
Wind blew over, very cold. I tucked hand in sleeve, felt that "Kill". It still there.
I clenched it in palm, held a while, tucked into deepest.(End of Chapter 30)