On screen...
Although Cao Zhong was already quite drunk, he retained a sliver of reason when it came to sensitive topics.
"Discussing them while drinking is such a buzzkill!"
"You're just scared of them, aren't you? That's why you won't say anything!"
Venti looked at Cao Zhong with a mischievous grin, as if to say I know exactly what's going on with you.
"What do you mean? What kind of talk is that? Me, scared of them?"
Cao Zhong looked as if he'd been poked right where it hurt. His face flushed red as he loudly refuted Venti's words.
"Alright, alright! Being scared of women isn't shameful. How about we change the subject!"
Venti appeared to be comforting Cao Zhong, but was in fact plotting something sinister.
"No! We're talking about this today! Ask away — who do you want to know about?"
Cao Zhong had clearly taken the bait. This wasn't going to end tonight.
[Venti: @Cao Zhong, see? I said we didn't have to ask, but you insisted. This really has nothing to do with me!]
[Cao Zhong: Heh. Sure.]
[Hu Tao: Generally speaking, I wouldn't believe close friends would do something like this to each other. But then I saw it was Venti and Cao Zhong — never mind, makes total sense.]
[Venti: That's called stirring up trouble, isn't it? Bro, you have to believe me, I didn't mean to set you up. The video is fake — you know that, right?]
[Cao Zhong: I'll just wait and see how you behave.]
The video continued playing.
Seeing Cao Zhong take the bait, Venti was ecstatic. This was clearly a premeditated operation.
"I'll mention one person — someone who I'm certain holds a place in your heart, brother. Whether she could become your other half, however, is another question."
"Ask away!"
Cao Zhong waved his hand with great bravado.
"This person's name is Jean — Acting Grand Master of the Mondstadt Knights of Favonius. Born into prestige, of high standing, widely respected, and as proven by a certain video, destined to be your wife. Is she a good match for you?"
"Hmph~~"
Cao Zhong let out a dismissive laugh.
"Grand Master Jean? She's nothing but a workaholic. All she does is pile on overtime — she has no idea how to charm a man. Entertaining in the short term, maybe, but things would change quickly. Talk of marriage? Nothing but playing along for the moment."
Cao Zhong waved his hand indifferently, completely unaware of the state Venti was in.
At that moment, Venti's whole face had gone red. His entire body was trembling with excitement.
Big news. This is HUGE news!
If this gets out, it'll blow up all of Mondstadt!
Though he wasn't sure if Cao Zhong actually meant what he said, or if it was just drunken rambling.
"Cao Zhong, you're drunk!"
"Drunk? Impossible! I'm not drunk!"
Cao Zhong waved it off, insisting he was perfectly fine.
"So everything you said is the truth?"
Venti stared at him, buzzing with excitement.
"I... I never speak lies!"
Cao Zhong's words were already slurring, yet he stubbornly held his ground.
[Cao Zhong: Grand Master, do I still have a chance?]
[Grand Master Jean: Just bury him.]
[Kaeya: Someone dress this traitor in enemy colors and give him a proper burial.]
[Xingqiu: Cao boss, you've really got guts. I respect you as a man — this cup's for you.]
[Bennett: I'll drink to that!]
[Kaeya: I'll drink to that!]
[Arataki Itto: I'll drink to that!]
[Cao Zhong: (╥╯^╰╥)]
[Cao Zhong: Grand Master Jean, I was framed!]
[Venti: Framed? What kind of talk is that? I'm a Geo Archon — would I go and frame a junior like you?]
[Jean: It's too late, Cao Zhong.]
The video wasn't over yet.
Venti clearly had no intention of stopping there. After thinking for a moment, he brought up another name.
"There is one more — Amber, Mondstadt's No. 1 Outrider. She was the first person to form a bond with you. Warm-hearted and kind, cheerful and lively, and quite deeply devoted to you. Is she a good match?"
Glug~
Cao Zhong drained another full cup of wine.
Then, in a tipsy slur, he said, "That little bunny girl? Rather than saying she's pure of heart, I'd say she's just a girl who hasn't experienced the world yet. She seems bright and carefree on the surface, but she's not grounded in reality. A casual romance is fine — but who would ever get truly serious about her?"
[Amber: Wuwuwu~~~ Cao Zhong, you have no heart! You didn't talk to me like that back then — you said I was the most beautiful woman in the world, you said you loved my lips best! I took every word you said to heart, and I kept that innocence for you!]
[Hu Tao: @Cao Zhong, you really deserve to die. I can't even watch anymore. I'm not doing business with you anymore! Remember — don't ever let me see you in Liyue, or I will beat you to death!]
[Venti: Lmao.]
[Cao Zhong: Venti, look what you've done!!!]
On screen...
Cao Zhong drank yet another cup, growing increasingly worked up.
"Don't stop — keep asking. Whatever you want to know, bring it all out. Tonight I'll answer until you're completely satisfied."
Venti was overjoyed. What a gift this was. So he called out another name.
"There is one more — her name is Eula, known as the Spindrift Knight. Born into a noble bloodline, generously proportioned, graceful in bearing. Cold on the surface with a hint of purity underneath, youthful and full of righteousness. I've heard that a single dance sealed the bond between you two. Is she a good match?"
"Haah..."
Cao Zhong let out a long, heavy sigh.
"If you hadn't brought her up, I'd have almost forgotten she existed. Hasn't she left the group chat yet?"
"But come to think of it — those legs of Eula's, I absolutely love them. Could keep me entertained for a whole year, honestly."
As he said this, a look of savoring the thought crossed Cao Zhong's face.
[Bennett: Wow, I didn't expect Eula to be the one who left the deepest impression on Cao Zhong!]
[Kaeya: Really? Doesn't quite look that way to me.]
[Venti: Cao Zhong is just a total pervert!]
[Cao Zhong: Please, stop — the kid's been scared stupid!]
[Eula: @Cao Zhong, so you like legs, do you? Just see if I don't stomp you to death today!]
[Lumine: Honestly, you can question Cao Zhong's character, but you cannot question his taste. Even as a girl myself, I want to — you know — with Eula's legs.]
[Hu Tao: Really? Really??]
[Xingqiu: @Eula, let's see the legs!]
[Hu Tao: @Eula, let's see the legs!]
[Yae Miko: @Eula, let's see the legs!]
[Eula: You people... you people... I'm remembering this grudge!]
"So does that mean Eula might be your final choice?"
Venti was very curious what Cao Zhong's answer actually was.
Cao Zhong waved dismissively and said in an exaggerated tone, "Impossible! She's too cold. I still prefer a more mature type of woman."
Oh!
Venti nodded in understanding.
"Lisa — the Witch of Purple Rose. Even the Sumeru Akademiya calls her a once-in-two-hundred-years genius. A smoking figure, an easygoing personality. Mature and alluring all at once — I'm sure she'd get along great with you?"
Hearing Lisa's name, Cao Zhong closed his eyes and wore an expression of deep, fond recollection.
"You know, you really do have a good eye. Lisa-sis is the most flavorful woman I've ever met! Especially the sounds she makes when she gets hit. Hssss~~~ My DNA is reacting!"
Venti was a little stunned. That's... quite the vivid description.
But it seemed like Lisa had a strong shot!
"So then — is Lisa your top pick?"
"What do you mean? What kind of talk is that? She's just my sister-figure. Big sis's purple aesthetic has real depth to it. Hehe, the witch's flavor really is something else!"
[Lisa: My, my — didn't expect little brother Cao Zhong to have such a high opinion of me! Want big sis to come keep you company~?]
[Cao Zhong: Lisa-sis, please listen to me — it's all a misunderstanding, all of it!]
[Lisa: Is that so? Doesn't look like it to me~]
[Cao Zhong: It's true, it's true! There are bad people in the crowd, they're trying to frame me!]
[Kaeya: @Cao Zhong — "She's just my sister-figure. Big sis's purple aesthetic has real depth to it."]
[Xingqiu: @Cao Zhong — "The witch's flavor really is something else!"]
[Cao Zhong: (╥╯^╰╥)]
Still not getting the answer he wanted, Venti was clearly unhappy.
"What about Barbara? Mondstadt's beloved idol — pure, cute, girl-next-door vibes! Surely that works for you?"
This time Cao Zhong simply said, in a flat tone:
"I really like a phrase — 'Go for Barbara.' Unfortunately, we're nothing more than close friends to each other."
Cao Zhong patted Venti on the shoulder and gave him a you know what I mean look.
[Kaeya: "Close friends"? What kind of coded language is this?!]
[Xingqiu: As someone currently writing a novel, I truly cannot bear to look at this anymore!!!]
[Barbara's fanboys: Cao Zhong, you deserve to die!]
[Cao Zhong: @Barbara, Barbara, please trust me — I'm not that kind of person.]
[Barbara: @Cao Zhong, don't be scared, I'm not angry!]
[Cao Zhong: Really?]
[Bennett: Barbara... she's really... I'm crying.]
[Barbara: Of course! Oh by the way, are you still attending the festival?]
[Cao Zhong: ? Why do you ask?]
[Barbara: I just thought I'd like to share a drink with you!]
[Sister from the Church of Favonius: Ah, Barbara? What are you doing with the Favonius Bladesong?]
[Cao Zhong: !!!!!!]
[Kaeya: !!!!!!]
[Bennett: I take back what I said!]
[Barbara: @Cao Zhong, don't be afraid. I'm just going to play a little song.]
Yeah, I absolutely do not believe that.
Cao Zhong looked at the group chat and was already starting to squirm. If this kept up, he really would be leaving this world soon.
I need to start planning my escape!
Meanwhile in the chat, the video was still playing.
Venti was sweating a little now. He'd asked so many questions, and not a single woman had turned out to be someone Cao Zhong genuinely had feelings for.
"What about someone like Noelle — the all-capable maid who answers every call? Or Lynette — the apprentice knight with great potential and the makings of a future champion? What do you make of them?"
"Ah, Noelle and Lynette are genuinely sweet, I'll give them that. They do whatever you ask, no questions asked — even now, just thinking about it is relaxing. But only knowing how to give, never asking for anything in return? Completely outside my consideration."
Cao Zhong waved it off without a moment's hesitation.
[Noelle: Mr. Cao Zhong... wuwuwu]
[Hu Tao: Scum! Not just scum — absolute scum!]
[Kaeya: I've had enough of you. From today onward, we are no longer brothers!]
[Jean: You even deceived Noelle. You truly deserve to die!]
[Cao Zhong: Just let me die. I don't want to live anymore.]
Now Venti was truly out of ideas.
Honestly, Venti was starting to get a little scared himself after everything he'd heard. He knew too much — what if someone silenced him for good?
"Keep asking — why'd you stop?"
The heavily drunk Cao Zhong looked at Venti, gesturing for him to continue.
Venti rallied his spirits. We've come this far. Can't give up now.
"What about Klee? Spark Knight, the Fleeing Sunlight — warm, adorable, full of heart. Do you like her?"
[Klee: Huh?! This involves me too?!]
[Kaeya: You beast!!!]
[Bennett: @Cao Zhong, I can't help you anymore. You beast!]
[Jean: @Cao Zhong, you can go ahead and die now!]
[Alice: Klee — my Klee! She's still a child!]
[Cao Zhong: Impossible. Absolutely impossible. I am NOT that kind of freak!]
And sure enough, the video that followed proved Cao Zhong was telling the truth.
Cao Zhong stared at Venti with a look of genuine shock.
"Well then, Venti. I didn't expect someone as fair-faced as you to have those kinds of tastes. That's truly messed up."
Venti immediately explained in a panic, "No no no — that's not what I meant! I was asking you — are you interested?"
"What, do you think I'm that weirdo Kaeya?"
[Kaeya: Slander! This is pure slander! He's slandering me! Someone is slandering me!]
[Cao Zhong: See? I said I wasn't like that. Do you believe me now?]
[Hu Tao: At least you have a baseline. Otherwise you wouldn't even qualify for hell!]
[Alice: Klee... my Klee...]
But then the Cao Zhong on screen made a sudden turn.
"Actually, I just see Klee as a daughter. That said — I am quite interested in her mother, Lady Alice. If the opportunity ever arose, I wouldn't mind giving it a shot."
...
The video ended.
[Jean: ?]
[Barbara: ??]
[Alice: ???]
[Xingqiu: True to form, what a scoundrel. I'm draining this cup!]
[Kaeya: The spirit of Cao the Scoundrel lives on forever!]
[Cao Zhong:
It's over. It's completely over.
One video, and I've offended all of Mondstadt.
There's absolutely no staying here anymore.
Time to run.