Liyue. Jueyun Karst.
A certain woman sat grinning from ear to ear, thoroughly delighted by the group chat.
"Hahaha, this group is genuinely the most entertaining thing in existence. Everyone in here is so good — I absolutely love it!"
Cloudretainer — the most sociable immortal in all the adepti world, and the most inventive person in all of social media — had an instinctive fondness for group chats.
Every day brought a fresh stream of news from the outside world, along with ideas so creative they boggled the mind. All of it fed her constant hunger for invention.
On days when she was tired, she'd scroll through jokes and short skits.
Recently she'd been following a particular content team that posted daily comedy sketches.
Things like: A war god returns home from years of battle only to find his daughter has been sold to a brothel. Enraged, he summons a hundred thousand soldiers to... ahem... rescue her.
Or: A lowly security guard attends his mother-in-law's wedding as a kept son-in-law and gets looked down on by everyone. Then he casually shows off the ring on his finger, and the room goes still. The four great clans and eight powerful families come streaming in and drop to their knees at his feet, crying: "Ten years have passed — we welcome the return of the Dragon King!" The young man gives a lopsided smirk.
Every single one left her doubled over.
But the most entertaining thing of all, naturally, was that rascal Cao Zhong's ongoing "Scoundrel Chronicles" segment.
Excellent viewing. Highly recommended.
What Cloudretainer hadn't expected was that this time, the rascal would set his sights on her own disciple.
She had no idea whether the events in the video would actually come to pass in the future.
But the fact that her precious disciple was involved only made it more delightful.
"Shenhe really is getting on in years — it's time to think seriously about her marriage. She can't end up spending her whole life alone in these mountains like me!"
Cloudretainer pulled up the photo of Cao Zhong she'd already saved some time ago.
"Mm. This young man looks quite presentable — fine features, spirited bearing. He and my disciple would make a handsome pair. The only problem is he's rather a scoundrel. That's a complication."
Just as Cloudretainer was deep in thought over Shenhe's future, the mechanism at the gate turned.
A tall, composed woman of otherworldly elegance stepped inside.
"Oh my, look who it is — my precious disciple Shenhe! Come here, come see the husband Shifu has picked out for you. What do you think?"
Cloudretainer's mood brightened immediately at the sight of her.
She had always made it her business to be invested in her disciples' personal lives.
"Shifu. You're causing trouble in the group chat again."
Shenhe's expression was perfectly still — no joy, no displeasure, not a ripple of emotion.
"Oh, just take a look. You can't stay cooped up in these mountains forever — you need to experience more of the outside world."
Cloudretainer pressed her case energetically, then held out Cao Zhong's photo.
"I think this young man Cao Zhong is quite good. Sharp mind, easy with people. If you spent time around someone like him, it would do your temperament a world of good."
Shenhe looked at Cao Zhong's face — undeniably, remarkably handsome — and found it simply pleasant.
The group chat called him a scoundrel. She didn't fully understand that.
But this person called Cao Zhong was very good-looking. Looking at him was... comfortable.
Like a breeze through the forest. Like clouds drifting over a mountain.
Like the morning sun and the setting dusk, like blossoms in the wind and snow beneath the moon.
A pity.
"Shifu, you know my situation. My fate-chart is one of solitary inauspiciousness. I bring misfortune to those around me."
At those words, for the first time, something flickered in Shenhe's expression.
Cloudretainer fell briefly quiet. She knew this was the knot lodged deepest in her disciple's heart.
[Hu Tao]: Wow, Cao Zhong — bold of you! Going after an adeptus's disciple — are you tired of living?!
[Cao Zhong]: What do you know? Fortune favours the brave and starvation takes the timid!
[Bennett]: Uwuwu~ stop, stop yelling at him—
[Kaeya]: @Cao Zhong You truly deserve everything coming to you.
[Venti]: This man is beyond all hope!
[Kamisato Ayato]: You are not a good person.
[Cao Zhong]: Look at you all. Everything I do, I do for your benefit! You only see the hungry man's hunger — you never think about the sated man's emptiness. Sigh.
[Jean]: ?
[Yae Miko]: Oh ho ho~
[Venti]: You are genuinely inhuman!
[Bennett]: How does a mouth running at a perfectly normal 37 degrees produce such ice-cold words?!
[Kaeya]: I'm proposing we form an "Anti-Cao-Zhong Alliance." Who's in?
[Venti]: Count me in!
[Bennett]: Me too!
[Arataki Itto]: And me!
[Kamisato Ayato]: Whoever goes after Cao Zhong has my full backing.
...
[Zhongli]: Count me in as well.
[Cao Zhong]: @Zhongli Sir, I have no quarrel with you. Why would you turn against me?
[Zhongli]: I simply find you disagreeable.
The video continued.
On screen, Cao Zhong was considering Chongyun's proposition, and despite himself, he felt a flicker of genuine interest.
But then he thought of the ancestral rules. Best not.
"You're trying to game the system — that won't do."
He shook his head firmly.
Chongyun panicked. He really needed the Nine Yang Scripture — the way an author needs readers.
"Big Bro, my auntie also has a senior martial sister — I'll introduce both of them to you!"
[Ganyu]: ???
[Xingqiu]: @Chongyun All ties between us are severed. Severed.
[Hu Tao]: @Chongyun When did you switch careers from exorcist to matchmaker?
[Chongyun]: I didn't — I'm not — stop saying things like that!
[Kaeya]: I cannot process this.
[Cloudretainer]: @Chongyun You little rascal — quite the operator, aren't you!
[Chongyun]: @Cloudretainer Honoured Adeptus! You understand — the videos are fake, they're all fake!
[Cao Zhong]: @Chongyun Good lad. You're my nephew, no question.
[Chongyun]: Please stop. I'm begging you to stop.
[Venti]: @Cloudretainer If I were you, I'd have already dealt with Cao Zhong personally. He's going to drag your two dear disciples' reputations through the mud!
[Cloudretainer]: If he genuinely has what it takes to win over both my disciples, that's his own ability at work!
[Cao Zhong]: @Cloudretainer Now that is true wisdom and magnanimity. Rest assured — I will treat wife Ganyu and wife Shenhe with the utmost devotion.
[Shenhe]: ...
[Ganyu]: ???
[Jean]: @Cao Zhong Why are you still alive?!
[Eula]: I will remember this grievance for the rest of my life.
[Kaeya]: @Cloudretainer Honoured Adeptus, look at the mountain of romantic debt this man has accumulated — he clearly means no good toward either of your disciples!
[Cao Zhong]: Fake news. Fake news.
[Cloudretainer]: No matter — I'm watching over both my disciples. What exactly is he going to do to me?
In the video, Cao Zhong was, despite himself, genuinely tempted.
Two disciples from the same master — a matched pair. If he pursued both simultaneously, that would be... extraordinary.
But then another thought surfaced: was he really going to violate the ancestral rules passed down through generations? He couldn't do that.
He had a reputation to maintain. He absolutely could not do something that dishonoured his forebears.
"No. Absolutely not. Even if... even if you threw their master into the mix as well, I... would still need to think about it!"
Chongyun's eyes went wide. "How did you know their master is also a woman?"
Then he drew himself up with an air of earnest conviction.
"Big Bro — teach me the Nine Yang Scripture, and I'll introduce their master to you too. All three."
Cao Zhong's expression darkened. He stood up abruptly.
"What kind of talk is that?! What kind of man do you take me for?!"
SLAM.
The door shut in Chongyun's face.
It's over. It's all over.
My Pure Yang Constitution is beyond saving. My youth. My potential. All of it — forever without an outlet.
No... no...
Just as Chongyun stood there drowning in despair, the door behind him swung open again.
Cao Zhong looked out at him with a very serious expression.
"That thing you said... you can really introduce all three of them to me?"
Chongyun's face lit up. "What do you take me for — someone who'd lie to you?"
Cao Zhong's heart settled. He looked at Chongyun, still standing on the doorstep.
"Well, don't just stand there. Come inside — I'll teach you the technique."
"On it — Uncle!"
[End of video.]
[Cloudretainer]: @Chongyun You little schemer — I could hear your abacus clicking all the way up here in Jueyun Karst!
[Chongyun]: @Cloudretainer Honoured Adeptus... is there any hope left for me?
[Cloudretainer]: Heh heh~~~
[Xingqiu]: @Chongyun You still want hope? Someone get the paperwork — we're selling him off.
[Ganyu]: @Chongyun You've deeply disappointed me.
[Chongyun]: @Ganyu Miss Ganyu, please let me explain—
[Skybracer]: Hahaha! Never imagined someone would set their sights on Cloudretainer herself — what audacity! Truly something else!
[Mountainshaper]: The boldness of someone who doesn't know what they're getting into. I'm dying!
[Cloudretainer]: Laugh again and I'll knock your teeth out.
[Skybracer]: Uwuwuwu~~~
[Mountainshaper]: Hehehe~~~
[Old Lady Ping]: Cloudretainer, dear — who knew that at your age you'd still be the one stealing the young ones' catches? Naughty girl! Hehehehe!
[Cao Zhong]: ?
[Xiangling]: ??
[Yanfei]: ???
[Zhongli]: ...
[Xiao]: Enmmmm
[Cloudretainer]: Stop laughing, all of you, or I'm flipping the table!!
[Shenhe]: Shifu. You're laughing too.
[Cloudretainer]: I am laughing in anger.
Liyue. Jueyun Karst.
"Absolutely furious! I am absolutely furious!"
Cloudretainer's feathers were metaphorically standing on end.
When had she, Cloudretainer, ever been made such a laughingstock?
She wouldn't be able to sleep at night until this score was settled.
"It's all because of that rascal Cao Zhong. I need to teach him a proper lesson."
She muttered darkly to herself — then immediately got a headache.
The boy was as cunning as a fox. How on earth was she going to lure him to Jueyun Karst?
Directly inviting him was out of the question. Cao Zhong was no fool.
Going straight for a confrontation wasn't realistic either. That young man was frightening — he'd completely steamrolled the Stormterror. His strength was well beyond ordinary.
If she wasn't careful, she'd be the one getting pinned down and thoroughly thrashed before she even made her move.
Cunning, then. Use your wits.
Cloudretainer's gaze drifted sideways to Shenhe, who was quietly chatting with Ganyu nearby.
Her eyes narrowed.
I have a plan.
They say in Liyue: even the mightiest hero cannot resist a beautiful woman.
And didn't she happen to have a beautiful disciple right there?
Send her out to deal with Cao Zhong — it would be as easy as a child playing with a toy.
One disciple not enough?
She had two.
He'd be helpless against both of them.
Once lured to Jueyun Karst, on her own territory, she could handle him however she pleased.
I, Cloudretainer, am far too clever.