Today, Chiose died. Or maybe it was yesterday; Soyo didn't know.
Not long after Chiose departed, her mother—upon hearing the news—also let go of this world.
Mm... that's just how it was.
And after that?
After that, she stopped paying any attention to the company.
But the company grew more and more successful—so successful that it seemed it could bring her, Nagasaki Soyo, endless wealth without any struggle on her part—
It was as if, with Chiose's death, everything had finally fallen into place.
As if, with Chiose dead, everything could return to normal.
As if Chiose truly had been nothing more than a passerby in her life. But...
"Are you kidding me?! How could she—how could she really... be dead?!"
Now she had everything except Chiose—but what meaning was there in that?
What meaning... was there in any of it?
If she'd known Chiose would fall ill, she never should have gone out that day... No! She should have just abandoned the company entirely during that whole stretch of time! She wanted none of it...
Now she had the company, but Chiose was gone—so what on earth was that worth?
Nagasaki Soyo had always known that a tiny scrap of love wasn't enough to carry her through the rest of her life.
But now she didn't even have that tiny scrap of love left.
Everyone who loved her was gone.
She had nothing left now.
"Gone, it's all gone… there's nothing left."
In the first-floor living room, Soyo slumped on the floor in a wretched heap.
The floor was littered with liquor bottles. Back when Chiose was still around, she hadn't dared to drink. Now that Chiose was gone, there was no one and no reason left to stop Soyo from drinking her fill.
But she couldn't feel the slightest bit happy.
She would probably never smile again for the rest of her life.
"The truth is, I'm not sad at all... not in the slightest..."
Numb. Devoid of all sensation.
Both her body and her mind were terrified that her soul no longer wished to go on, so they had switched on a kind of physiological defense mechanism.
Under this physiological response, Soyo could no longer cry, and combined with the exquisite hypnosis of alcohol, it seemed she had truly forgotten her grief...
[But could she really forget?]
Nagasaki Soyo tilted the bottle to her lips, wanting one last sip, only to find that not a single drop remained inside.
Just like her life—nothing left at all. Haha.
The truth was, after Chiose left, Soyo had wanted to die several times. But each time she got home and had all the tools for suicide laid out... she would suddenly feel that Chiose hadn't really died.
Maybe Chiose was still hiding in some corner of the house... blinking those big, adorable eyes as she secretly watched her.
And every time her plan to kill herself fell through, Soyo would want to drink. Just like today.
By her feet lay a big, rusty cleaver—Soyo had gone out of her way to find it—but once it was in her hand, all her strength drained away.
Mm, that was probably because she hadn't eaten in a long time.
The moment any food touched her tongue, her stomach would churn and she'd want to vomit.
Especially samgyetang and vegetarian food...
After resting with her eyes closed for a while in the dim room, Soyo leaned against the wall and made her way toward the walk-in closet.
Lately she'd been sleeping here all the time... in her wardrobe.
The wardrobe was full of Chiose's scent.
Though the wardrobe was cramped... it was filled with Chiose's scent.
Inside there wasn't only Chiose's scent... but also her memories with Chiose.
Every time she wanted to die, Soyo would claw at the wardrobe door with her nails, and in that dim, lightless cabinet, the endless scent of Chiose would wrap itself around her.
It was... comforting, yes, but it plunged Soyo into even deeper despair.
Because these scents and memories were, at every single moment, reminding Soyo of one thing: her Chiose was dead, her Chiose was never coming back!
"She fell into the sea... she fell into the sea! Uuuu... I... if only I'd shown Little Chiose a little more care during those few days—no, no, no. If only I'd taken responsibility and cared for her from the very beginning!"
That way, Soyo... she could have watched Little Chiose grow up...
Inside the wardrobe, Soyo curled herself into a ball. It was so utterly dark in there that she couldn't tell whether what was now pooling at her chin was tears or blood.
She slipped into fantasy again—if only she'd taken responsibility from the start—
At one year old, Soyo would have heard Little Chiose call her Mama, and she would have answered with a sweet smile.
At two years old, she'd have watched the little one crawling after her all over the house. She'd deliberately slow down so her daughter could catch up, while her own mother clapped happily off to the side.
At three years old, Little Chiose could already go to kindergarten. Soyo would put on her finest clothes to attend the kindergarten ceremony, befriend the teachers and the other parents, so that her daughter could have an easier time of it.
At four years old, she'd attend her daughter's parent-child sports day at school. She'd carry her daughter in the little relay race, and they'd win first place, while her own mother watched the two of them from the spectator stands.
Five, six, seven, eight years old...
"Aaaahhh! What have I done?! Why did I give Little Chiose away in the first place?!"
"Why did I snap at her and yell at her after I finally took her back home?! Why did I later... not take proper care of her, why did I leave her shoved off to the side for the sake of work?!"
Regret, resentment—Soyo couldn't put her own feelings into words.
She pounded frantically at the wardrobe, her body convulsing of its own accord.
Well, now everything was "fine"...
Little Chiose was gone, and her mother was gone too.
Her last [home] had completely crumbled to dust.
Haha...
Haha.
Haha!
Nagasaki Soyo! You really... got exactly what you deserved!
"So high and mighty—how could I have been so high and mighty... so derelict. In all of Little Chiose's life I never shouldered any responsibility at all... hahahaha, this is all of my own making..."
She wanted to end her own life.
But Soyo didn't dare to die.
Because she was the last person in the whole world who remembered what Little Chiose looked like, the last who held the memories of their past together.
If she died too, then Little Chiose's final trace in this world would vanish as well...
She had now been given a new mission... she, Nagasaki Soyo, had to go on living, carrying every painful memory with her.
Only by living could she keep on dreaming up the fantasy, could she see Little Chiose again and again in her dreams and her vacant daydreams...
Soyo cradled a teddy bear in her arms, rocking the little bear gently as though the stuffed toy were a tiny infant.
"Don't be afraid, Little Chiose, Mama is right here, Mama will always remember you."
A complicated, despairing smile crept across the corners of Nagasaki Soyo's mouth.
From the depths of her heart, a white figure seen from behind rose up once again.
The image seemed blurry, yet it was terrifyingly clear.
Nagasaki Chiose... Nagasaki Chiose!
Haha... it's over. This time, she really had ruined everything! Haha.
"Uuuu—"
The moment Soyo thought of the countless terrible effects her own actions had caused, she couldn't hold back the urge to sob aloud—but in this place where her daughter had once cried, she felt too ashamed to cry herself.
She remembered several times coming home to find her daughter hiding in the wardrobe. In those moments, had she been lonely, had she wanted to cry? But couldn't find her mother's embrace?
"Ah..."
Nagasaki Soyo's hand inadvertently brushed against the very spot she'd just been pounding so hard, and she suddenly noticed what looked like marks left by the ink of a fine-liner pen.
She pushed open a corner of the wardrobe door to let a sliver of light slip in from outside, and on the cabinet wall she saw a childish little doodle of a flower.
Below the doodle was a line of writing, crooked and clumsy, ever so unpracticed. Soyo narrowed her swollen eyes and peered closely:
[Don't cry! I like you the most! The Chiose of right now is the happiest girl in the whole world!]
"Waaah... Little Chiose!"
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