Pain is my world
Pure blinding pain
Nothing but pain, pain, pain, pain, I hate pain, but it's the only thing I can feel, the only thing I can do, the only thing that is mine
That's all that consist of me. That's all. I am pain, pain, and more pain, make it stop, do something, anything, why does it hurt so much?
Do you know what's worse?
It's that I don't know what's happening, I don't know what's causing this pain.
You thought I knew? You really thought I knew? Hah, you're a funny man.
This would be WAAAAY easier if I knew what caused this suffering, I would prefer it if I could see one of my limb cut off, a gigantic hole in my torso, my legs grinded into a pulp or something, any confirmation of my state, anything.
But I don't.
I don't see anything.
I just feel the pain.
It's been a week of this.
And I can't see anything. I can't, my blurry vision stops me, I can't see anything.
I have my own theories about where I could be of course.
I mean, I said that my existence itself was pain. But it's not really true, not fully at least, my existence is one of a normal man, Jeremy.
That's my name. The one I heard nobody use for a week.
That's my name, but the longer I suffer, feeling this cold spreading through my body, starting from the heart folding on itself as if I was constantly in a cardiac arrest, and spreading to every inch of my body, the more I forget it.
Not fully though.
I still remember, I'm Jeremy, 21 years old, in college, working for my degree.
And apparently now a dying man.
That's what I think I'm at least, I think I'm in a hospital. Maybe? I'm not sure to be honest, if I were in a hospital, shouldn't they shove something in my veins to shut me up, to make the pain less...EVERYTHING, LESS EVERYTHING, LESS EVERYTHING, MAKE ME FEEL SOMETHING ELSE BUT THE FEELING OF ANTS CRAWLING IN MY BRAIN!?
SHOULDN'T THEY!? BECAUSE THEY DON'T! THEY FUCKING DON'T!
No matter how much I scream, they don't, no matter how much I'm crying. Shameful, I know, but I don't care.
No, I CAN'T afford to care, I far since passed the stage of shame.
This constant amount of suffering would attack your sense of shame too. Believe me.
I'm not unique. I'm normal, perfectly normal, and like any normal person, this amount of pain, the feeling of pure magma running through my veins constantly and my pleas for a stop, for a bullet in my FUCKING head to make it stop, being ignored, would put anyone in my state.
That's something I fully believe in.
How could anyone else react? It's overwhelming, it consumes every second of my time, so much that I've not been able to do anything but suffer.
Genuinely.
I'm not joking. My entire life has transformed into being unable to do anything but suffer.
I've not been able to do anything but suffer in silence -well, silence is a lie, I scream, it just lands on deaf ears- there's no distraction, I can't move my body. And even when I try my best to squirm around, my body doesn't even respond.
As if I was entirely covered in lead.
As if my veins were filled with them, I feel like I weight two tons.
But clearly, I'M NOT! Because I was moved.
Just like I'm being moved again. I can't see it, of course I can't with my pathetic eyes, blurry and weak, unable to do anything but suffer. Yes, my eyes burn too, everything burns.
So you'll excuse me when I tell you that no matter how much I try, I can't see what's moving me
I really hope it's the hospital staff.
But the more I think about it? The more my theories about this being a hospital fall short.
Don't blame me for my reasoning, for my dumb theories. This amount of thinking is more than I ever did since this week of pain started.
Just like my limbs feel like lead, my mind does too.
I feel dumb.
I do believe it's an effect of the pain.
Pain that makes me cry every day, I cry, every, fucking, second, under this unending torture.
Even if the hospital manages to save me, I doubt I'll ever recover from this trauma.
What's worse though is, as I said before. I'm pretty sure I'm not in an hospital.
Why would they move me like that? As if their entire body enveloped me, why would they surround me in giant clothes and drag me around as if I was weightless?
Why wouldn't they calm my sorrow and pain!?
Just a single anaesthetic, that's all I'm asking for!
But they don't give it to me. No, instead they drag me around, smother me under gigantic heavy machinery that makes my weak movements even more limited.
No matter how soft those machines feel, they're horrible, I always feel like the pain gets worse whenever I'm in one, whenever they restrain me.
The less I move. The more I suffer.
And that's why they're restraining me. I'm sure of it, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.
Why would it be anything else but this?
They want me to suffer. Why?
...because I'm not in a hospital.
This kind of realization, in my personal blurry bubble of void and suffering would usually make me feel dread.
But it doesn't. I've lived through worse during this week
The only thing it does is make me accept my fate faster.
I've been kidnapped. I'm being tortured.
It makes sense. It makes so much sense, WHO WOULD PUT ANYONE, ANYONE, THROUGH THIS KIND OF PAIN!?
Who would let someone have no dignity! Torture them so much that they don't have any control over their bowels, forcing them to shit and piss themselves everyday before forcefeeding them to humiliate them even more!? Who would shove food in their mouth if the end result is just for them to live through their suffering even longer!?
Who but sick fucks would do that?
Who would kidnap a completly normal man, rip him away from his family, his hope, his studies, his entire life, just to torture him 24/7!?
Barely give him the time to sleep because of the PAIN the pain that forces me to wake up every night, breaking the small amount of rest I manage to get!
Who would EXACERBATE this pain whenever I fucking wake up in the middle of the night, my cries echoing to show my pain, who would smother me and keep me restrained just to limit my movements!? Who would stop me from feeling the slightest bit of release and relaxation from this hell!?
Who would do it but the sickest fuck!?
Who would!? Tell me! Tell me! Why are you doing that to me!? Why!?
I scream, my cries, my ENTIRE soul goes through my throat, ripping my vocal cords apart to scream to the heaven, to tell them about all the pain I have in my heart! Even if I would like to curse them, I cannot.
Hah.
I can't even talk.
Maybe it's the end, maybe that's my fate.
Maybe I'll finish the rest of my life as a dead man, forever lost to my family, maybe they'll think I died in an accident.
While I'm here. Tortured for the rest of my days.
Yes. Tortured, BECAUSE WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE!?
Constant suffering, the inability to even move, the inability to see, to talk, weak limbs...smothered? By heavy machinery? Soft machinery? Like blankets...? And...crying a lot?
I try to open my eyes again. Those painful blurry things again. Just as I feel myself being restrained again, my self identity and control removed from me by...the hands of a giant.
I blink. The blurry form clearer than yesterday.
Wait have I just been reincarnated?