"Ahga-ga" What just came out of my mouth? I was trying to tell her to fuck off.
The baby, kiko, from what I heard from her mother enthusiastically presenting her to my parents some weeks ago, stay clear of me.
Looking at me with the gaze of a died bird.
"Ha! Ma-ma, nebe!" Nebe is my name. Well, not really. But the dumb kid can't say my full name.
The baby, the dumb fucking baby gets up on her feet.
And I almost cry straight up at seeing that. Instead I turn my head around and look at the wall, unwilling to see how she can walk and I can't.
I KNOW IT'S AN UNFAIR FIGHT! She's like a year old, can talk and walk and shit, and I'm three months old.
BUT STILL!
STILL!
I can hear her steps rush away in the uncoordinated manner of all babies, I fucking hate babies, I hate myself.
I never hated babies before, I think the whole pain bullshit is ruining my brain but whatever.
I don't know where she went but apparently she left, which is all I wanted.
I need some time in peace. Some time to think and train.
I take a deep breath. As much as I can with my baby lungs before going in a coughing fit.
Already happened to me once. Won't recommend.
In any case, I take a deep breath. And try to focus on my body, I stop moving, and feel the pain in my body.
Those last few days. After I first met kiko -weird name- for the first time. I was serious about my oath not to be worse than a baby.
So I started going full meditation mode as if I were a monk
Well. I'm kind of a monk right?
I don't have hair, barely any at least. I live in a weird secluded village, and train all day or meditate all day.
Isn't that what monks do?
Right? So I'm a monk, call me baby monk, the bestest of all monk that learned how to crawl in three months!
Is that early? I don't know if it is.
FOCUS!
MEDITATION!
Right. Right meditation.
Feel it. My body, still. Laying on the ground of the house, layered with a big blanket specifically for my needs.
Feel it. I'm alone. Well, not really, kiko is in the living room, running to her mom and my own parents as they talk about...uh, whatever they talk about?
"Thre&# th&## &$"
"No, it&$"
I'm sure I'm figuring out more and more words.
FOCUS!
Right right, be careful. Baby brain. Remember the fly, is there a fl-! Focus!
Right right, remember, focus, otherwise you'll make no progress.
It's hard to focus on pain of all things. I know it is, but still, you need to focus Jeremy, focus, focus or you'll make no progress at all.
Focus. Feel the pain passing through your whole body, don't shake, don't cry, don't scream, don't distract yourself.
Just feel the pain.
It's like holding your breath.
You're fine, I won't die, I won't. Calm, did that for months and never has there been a bad thing happening apart from the pain
It's just pain.
Control it.
You can do it.
I can do it.
Fo-! Kiko lands on her knees beside me, probbing my belly.
I don't open my eyes.
I can hear her hum something, as if she needed to hum to think
"Sleepy?"
I don't answer. Not even with my ga ga, said ga-ga's that are perfect. I'm the best baby ever, so now focus and control the pain
"Sleepy"
Yes yes, I'm sleeping, now leave me alone you distasteful thing.
I don't see it. Too focused on controlling the pain.
But I can hear the sound of a pen coming up, and she starts doing her weird scribbles on the paper again.
I did tried to draw something earlier but I just can't figure out how to hold a pen yet, even with my whole fist like she's doing it.
Which just makes me want to cry. Oh shit I'm gonna cry, I can't hold a pen, I'm gonna cry, mo-!
FOCUS!
Baby brain. Focus, focus. Breath.
Feel the pain. Feel the shame, feel the weakness and breath, breeeeeeeeath.
Breeeeeeeath.
"Bye-bye"
She can say bye bye? Who taught her to say bye bye, who is she saying bye-bye too?
No idea.
But what I have an idea on is that I'm progressing. Fast. Maybe moving around wasn't the fix?
Or maybe it was, it's still helpful, and to be honest, I can't meditate all day, it's just too painful.
But still. Maybe I need to meditate more? I'm seeing the progress.
The pain isn't dropping, of course, because I already fucking gave up on removing the pain.
I feel my chest tightening, knowing that it's a lie.
No, what's progressing is my ability to support the pain for longer.
My goal is simple here.
Be able to live, more or less normally, be able to cry less, and have a bit more control over my tantrums and the pain.
Sometimes, to train and move around. I need to stay still while I figure out how to move my limbs and do the thing I want to do.
And I can't keep being interrupted every two and a half second by the pain rising, I need to be able to support this pain, and then be able to live normally even if it ravages my body.
Then and only then...
...then maybe I'll grow up enough and my body will correct by itself? Yes...yes, I know it's bad but I'm still hoping it's something normal for childrens around here.
Maybe the only problem with me is that I'm conscious?
Maybe that's the problem.
Maybe the pain is some kind of defense mechanism all children's have to make them constantly move? They need to move a lot to train and devlop the strength and functionality to be independent and survive after all.
It makes sense right?
When I'm one year old it won't hurt anymore right?
When I'm four years old maybe?
It won't hurt right?
I can feel it, my finger. Right now, I'm spread on the ground, and on the blanket like a starfish.
But right now I can feel it. My hand who was still on the ground, is being grabbed, I assume it's Kiko and decide to ignore her.
It moves in the air for a while before it reaches a soft ball, her face probably.
And then...a mouth. Is she biting my finger right now?
I sigh but it comes out as a weird baby sound, whatever I do, it's adorable, always, need to get used to that.
I open my eyes and look at the ceiling. Turning my head to the left I see Kiko, who's eating and sucking on my finger.
One of her teeth, still growing, pressing down on it.
Huh.
"Ba! Ba!" With my mighty war cry, I pull my hand back, she lets it go. And start eating her pen instead, fuck...there's drool everywhere on my finger, it's fucking disgusting.
That's why I hate kids.
Lifting my hand I try to wipe everything on the blanket, but it's a challenge with my current coordination.
I manage though, when it's done. I find myself looking at a big red spot on my finger, an indent digging inside the soft finger.
The trace of a teeth having dug down on flesh.
...huh
I look at Kiko.
Then I look at my finger.
Then at Kiko.
Then my finger.
....it didn't hurt at all.