Morning in Axel. The air inside the Stable Inn still carried the sour stink of cheap sparkling wine.
Kōichi sat at a battered wooden table, clutching a bill covered in numbers, his fingers trembling slightly.
Across from him, Satou Kazuma held a pencil that looked ready to snap in half. The eyes that had once been full of compassion and saintly radiance were now slowly filling with the bloodshot red of poverty.
"...Kōichi, are you done with the numbers?" Kazuma's voice was hoarse, like a demon that had just crawled out of hell.
Kōichi took a deep breath, then slammed the bill onto the table with a bang. "Done. In the last three days... that useless Goddess drank 200,000 Eris worth of top-shelf liquor, ate 50,000 Eris worth of premium fried chicken, and even donated 30,000 Eris in idiot tax to the Axis Cult. And what did we get out of it?"
Kazuma froze. Thinking back on how the two of them had smiled at Aqua like idiots over the past few days, even going so far as to wipe the grease from the corners of her mouth for her, he suddenly felt his stomach churn.
"We... we got a saint experience trial pass, and a wallet with all our savings sucked dry. Damn it! The ones who sent us to heaven in the dream were Hatano-sensei and those succubus onee-sans, so why is the one getting paid in reality that useless burden who only causes trouble?!"
"This is wrong. This is seriously wrong, Kazuma!" Kōichi shot to his feet, and a long-lost sadistic gleam of pure malice flashed in his eyes. "We got fooled by that woman's victim filter! What 'working hard all night to exorcise demons'? She obviously ruined our sweet dream, then took advantage of our brains being shut down to rake in cash like crazy! This is fraud! This is a cross-dimensional pig-butchering scam!"
Kazuma also sprang to his feet and kicked over an empty wine bottle nearby, his expression gradually twisting into something vicious and feral. "Exactly! Give me back my emotions! Give me back my 280,000 Eris! Kōichi, I've made up my mind. To hell with saint mode! From now on, that life-form called Aqua is no longer our companion. She's our debtor!"
"Hmph. If she can swallow it, I can make her cough it back up." Kōichi let out a cold laugh as he straightened his wizard robe, dangerous sparks crackling at his fingertips. "Come on. Let's go see what our debtor is doing right now."
The two of them shoved open Aqua's door, only to find the Goddess sprawled flat on the bed, clutching a half-empty bottle of aged red wine and mumbling in her sleep, "Hehe... Kōichi... one more bottle... Kazuma... go buy me more cheese... long live the Axis Cult..."
At the sight, Kōichi and Kazuma exchanged a look, and the same sadistic smile spread across both their faces, the kind that would have made even Lucifer shudder.
"Kazuma, got the rope ready?"
"Of course, Kōichi. I even prepared a work-to-repay-debt contract. The penalty clause is all her booze money for the next three years."
Just as the two were about to carry out justice, Aqua seemed to sense the killing intent. She drowsily cracked one eye open, saw the sinister, terrifying expressions on Kōichi and Kazuma's faces, and instantly sobered up. With a scream, she scrambled into the corner of the bed.
"Aaaah! What's wrong with you two?! Where did those kind, benevolent eyes go?! Where did that cool Kōichi who said I could drink all I wanted go?! Help! Demons! The demons are back!"
"Stop screaming, Aqua." Kōichi advanced on her step by step, his smile growing brighter and brighter. "The dream's over, so it's time to settle the bill. Are you going to head to the Guild and take a hundred sewer-cleaning quests yourself, or would you rather have us destroy the corpse today?"
Inside the Stable Inn, the warm morning sunlight now felt more like the spotlight of an interrogation room.
"Uwaaaaah! Help! Kidnapping! These two men have finally gone insane! They're going to sell this poor Goddess to some perverted noble for booze money!"
Aqua let out a shriek so loud it sounded like it could shatter glass.
But Kōichi and Kazuma remained completely unmoved.
With practiced ease, Kōichi tightened the rope and bound Aqua into a perfect, highly artistic giant-crab shape, while Kazuma pinned down her flailing legs and stuffed a table rag into her mouth for good measure.
"Mmph! Mmphhh!" Aqua's eyes went wide as aqua-blue tears burst out like a fountain.
"Aqua, save your strength." Kōichi dusted off his hands and gave her a glacial smile. "We stopped by the Guild earlier. Because of the rainy season, several reservoirs and lakes outside town have been contaminated by Poison Slimes and mutated moss. The reward for purifying one reservoir is 5,000 Eris. And you, dear Goddess, are our most effective, cheapest, zero-consumable water purification filter."
Kazuma added darkly from the side, "That's right, Kōichi. I already accepted every water purification quest at the Guild. Fifty-six in total. Even after travel costs and physical strain, if we throw her into the water a few dozen times, we'll at least earn back a decent chunk of that 280,000 Eris."
Half an hour later, on the outskirts of Axel, beside a polluted reservoir glowing with an eerie purple light and thick as snot.
Kōichi and Kazuma stood by the water's edge, holding up Aqua together by the rope tied around her waist.
She had already spat out the rag, and now she was clutching Kōichi's pant leg and begging like a madwoman.
"Please, I'm begging you! That thing looks disgusting! There are definitely freaky fish with tentacles in there, right?! I'm a Goddess! If you throw me in there, my priceless feather mantle will stink!"
"Shut up!" Kōichi kicked her mercilessly toward the surface of the water while gripping the other end of the rope tightly. "Go, Aqua tea bag! Purify this whole body of water properly for me!"
Splash!
With a huge plunk, Aqua dropped into the purple sludge like a lead weight.
In that instant, a sacred white light exploded outward from her! The disgusting purple liquid, the moment it touched the body of the Goddess, rapidly faded and cleared as though it had met its natural enemy, until it became perfectly transparent, crystal-clear water.
"Ooooh! The effect is amazing!" Kazuma shouted excitedly as he tugged the rope up and down like he was reeling in a giant fish. "Kōichi, look! She's really purifying it! This is faster than even the highest-grade water purification magic circle!"
"Good, Kazuma. Shake her faster so every inch of her body comes into contact with every part of the water." Kōichi directed him coldly. "Aqua, stop wasting time crying and start moving your arms and legs! If you dare slack off, we'll haul you back out and dump you straight into that septic tank full of sewage on the south side of town!"
A string of bubbles rose to the surface. Aqua stuck her head out, spitting clear water as she let out a despairing roar.
"You two sadists! Scum! NEETs! Disgraces to the wizard profession! I curse you! I swear I'll have Eris write the words 'sexually impotent' in huge letters all over your reincarnation applications! Uwaaaaah, it's so cold! Help!"
The adventurers passing nearby all came to a stop and stared at the scene in horror.
"Hey... aren't those the saint duo from yesterday? Why are they fishing for a Goddess today?"
"Shh, keep it down! Didn't you see the red light in their eyes? That's definitely three days' worth of pent-up resentment exploding... let's go before we get caught in it!"
By sunset, when Aqua was dragged back to the Guild by Kōichi and Kazuma like a dead dog to turn in the quests, she had become a half-transparent shade of holy-water blue. Her eyes were vacant, and all she could do was mechanically mutter, "I'm a tea bag... I'm a filter... I'm an emotionless water purifier..."
As Kōichi and Kazuma counted the thick stack of reward money in their hands, they finally showed their first truly heartfelt smile in days, a genuinely sadistic grin.