The small wins in life usually do not contain much drama.
Often they can go unnoticed.
But there are moments where a tiny moment can change an entire perception of who you are.
Today I came into class, and things felt warmer in a way I cannot really explain.
The bright sun came glaring through the windows and stretched itself over the desks and notebooks of my classmates, slowly settling in as they made their way to their desk.
As Jay plopped down next to me like he always does and said "You don't look as dead today".
I looked at him in disbelief, "…Thanks?"
He said he meant it as a compliment.
That somehow made it even worse.
Jay let out a loud laugh before the class even started and got scolded by Mr. Harrison for it.
I shook my head slightly.
But at the same time, it felt like that was what I had always done.
And at the same time, that was what was so weird about it.
Because a few weeks ago, I probably would have sat in silence and just waited for class to be over.
Now, however, I am actually a part of something - no matter how small.
"Alright class," Mr. Harrison said while putting down several pieces of paper, "Today we will be doing some quick problem solving."
There were groans all around the room.
"Individually," he added very quickly.
The groans got a little louder.
Jay leaned into me and said, "…I am failing this."
"You say that every time."
"And I'm right every time," he replied.
Loid nearly smiled.
Almost.
Papers flew around the room.
The hum of activity in the classroom gradually faded away as students began their work.
Loid looked down at the paper.
He would have stared blankly into space for the last half-hour instead of doing any work a month ago.
Now, however, he used his mind differently than he had a month ago.
Not faster, just clearer.
He read the paper carefully.
He concentrated on the paper carefully.
He worked through each step correctly.
He still felt tense.
But the tension no longer controlled him.
Minutes later.
Pens moved on paper.
Occasionally you would hear an audible sigh from one of the students.
Then Mr. Harrison said.
"Who solved problem number four?"
A dead silence followed.
Several students immediately averted their eyes.
"Does no one find that difficult?" Mr. Harrison said.
Several students began a murmur.
Loid stared at his papers.
He had solved the problem.
He knew he did.
But he couldn't move his pen.
Not right away.
He was still hesitant because of his prior anxiety. What if he was incorrect? What if everyone stared back at him again?
Jay's whisper interrupted his train of thought, snapping him out of his panic.
He frowned.
"I'm not raising my hand."
"You solved the problem! So now, act as if you have," Jay said quietly.
Loid held the pen tighter, and he was sure everyone in the class could hear how loud his heart was beating.
Loid eventually raised his hand; first only halfway and then all the way.
Mr. Harrison immediately recognized that he had raised his hand.
"Loid?"
Everybody in the classroom turned around to see him raise his hand. This was different from the way Loid had felt in the past: he wasn't feeling stuck on what to do, while he was very anxious, he was not feeling powerless.
Loid stood up slowly and began to explain the steps to solving the problem to the class, step by step, carefully and clearly, but at first, his voice was not confident. However, as he continued to speak, his confidence began to grow as he started to realize that he actually knew the answer to the problem.
For the first time, his focus went away from what all of the kids in the class were doing to what he was explaining to them.
The classroom was completely quiet, but it was not uncomfortably quiet; it was quiet because everybody was listening to him.
After he completed explaining, Mr. Harrison looked at the board, then looked at Loid and said, "That was excellent."
When he used that word, it hit Loid harder than he thought it would.
Several kids in the class responded to him quietly, and one kid said to another kid, "Oh, now I get it," and the other kid nodded his head. All of a sudden, the room felt different. It was not dramatically different; it was just… different.
Loid returned to his seat, sitting slowly.
Jay stared at him.
"…Yuh bro."
Loid blinked; "What?"
"That was really good."
Loid looked away just a little; "…Yeah I know."
Jay has a huge grin on his face at this point.
"Oh, now you got confidence?"
Loid replied softly; "Not confidence."
Six months ago…
"…Just Preparing."
Jay just looked at him for a short period of time.
Then laughed quietly.
"…That sounded badass."
Loid chose not to pay any attention.
But he has a huge change in his mind.
Not from compliments.
Not from looking at him.
For the first time…
He feels able.
This feeling of being able to do something is opposite of hope.
Commanding across the room from him…
Was Charlotte Vale looking in his direction.
This time…
For much longer than before.
Not from curiosity.
Not from politeness.
But from Attention.
True attention.
Loid was aware of it.
Of course he was.
He didn't panic at all.
Didn't look away immediately.
Didn't overanalyze it.
Because right now…
His head was much calmer than it has been for a very long time.
Charlotte slowly looked forward again, resting her chin lightly on her hand.
She briefly thought to herself.
"He's evolving."
Quietly.
Gradually.
But honestly.
Now…
It is impossible for her to not pay attention to him at all.
The bell rang shortly after.
Students were talking again, louder than before.
But this time—
Loid noticed something weird.
People regarded him in a different way.
Not enormously.
Not like he was a superstar.
But like they recognized him.
They acknowledged him.
It was as if he had just stepped a little beyond the edge of the crowd.
Jay put his arm around Loid as they were leaving.
"One win," he said happily.
Loid gave a slight shake of the head.
"…one class."
"Exactly," replied Jay.
Now it was an even huger smile.
"Can you even imagine how things will be when you keep going?"
Loid didn't respond right away.
He quickly glanced for a second at the front of room.
Charlotte was talking with Ava again.
Charlotte looked at Loid once before going out.
And this time—
she smiled.
A little.
Softly.
Before Loid could react, it was gone.
But it was there.
Loid froze for half a second.
Then he—
very slightly—
gave a return smile.
Now, for the first time—
this distance from the other person felt like it was within reach.