Everyone hates me. It ain't an illusion I made to protect myself anymore, it's reality, the pathetic reality of a scumbag.
The bell rang and I still sat in the class. Hinata came to me first
"you should get a cut, I'll make you look more popular."
"why would I? I don't need anyone's pity" I put my head on the table again, looking at my phone and blasting music in my ears.
"would it kill to be more social?" he finally left me and went back to his friends, laughing like idiots. I am tired of being alive, but I can't show that, no one will care and I would just look like an attention seeker.
At home I sometimes forget that everyone hates me, not because my illusion is broken, but because I don't have the time for that.
"What are you doing?" The phone buzzed out the noise
"math homework" The pen kept on drawing numbers and letters on my notebook.
"yeah? when you're done come, we have work to do" That's just how I live. There's always work after homework and there's always two hours after work when I could be by myself, but instead I try to finish whatever task there is left to do.
By the time I actually finish everything, my illusion comes back and my energy drains twice as fast, so much that I sometimes eat a whole loaf of bread just to stay motivated to play games or watch anime.
The classes aren't that special either, I feel invisible sometimes, but that is way better than being in the middle of attention...I might actually be blind at that fact, after all, I am a weirdo and I bet the teachers hate me too, just like everyone else "why do I have to teach this kid", "can't this kid just speak already?", "why learning when you aren't even bothering to answer?".
I can not tell fake smiles from real ones, but lately every smile felt like that, just a crude face everyone puts on to deal with me. It's alright, I don't need to feel loved, it's just preparations that I must go through before becoming an adult.
No worries, I already see in the eyes of adults that they don't like living anymore, that just means I'm more mature than most my age, or just more stubborn, either way, I don't need a reason to live, because the human brain sticks to anything they find "I'll do it after I see the ending of this manga", you will say that twenty times and then get addicted to reading it
"After this deadline", oops, the next one is right around the corner, you don't have time to think about setting yourself free.
"can you just drop the cool character roleplay already? you're a kid too" 'Can't you just leave me alone already?'
"I am a kid. I just have no reason to care about the little chit chats you do." I am like them too, clinging to life like a snail on a wall.
"there you go again. What do you think you will win by acting cool?" But instead of clinging to friends I cling to the idea that there's nothing after death, no reincarnation, nor a loop, just torture or nothingness for all eternity.
"Why would I want to win anything anyways. Everyone you know will die, you will die, I will die. There's no point in listening to you" Some thing that's sad, but personally, that's the best outcome. I can't see the happy side of the world anymore, thus I can say I'm ready to d-...
"I'm back" I dragged the door after me. My mom was laying down, looking at the TV.
"what happened to your face?"
"A few classmates didn't see me while playing around"
"are you sure you're okay?"
"mom, you're spoiling me too much."
Even my first love was like that. I made a pathetic excuse in my mind and accepted it.
"Please go out with me!" I stood frozen for a few seconds, hesitating my answer.
"...a-alright-." I wanted to tell them more, that they'll be unsatisfied with me, but I knew if I did, I would get attached, or at least my body knew, that's why it didn't say it. Even so, two years we spent together and I had moments where I forgot that they were supposed to hate me. Then a not so bad day, I wanted to surprise them, so I got to their house with the spare key unannounced.
The key was already inside and locked from the other side, so I pushed it further with a needle then unlocked the door, slowly getting in, hiding until the bedroom where I heard they voice, probably talking on the phone because there was another voice.
I entered swiftly and shouted "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" without opening my eyes for the first two seconds, where the room was quiet, then I opened them. I was getting cheated on, well now they paused it because of me. I felt it again, that damned emotion I thought I got rid of because of them. I sat on the armchair in that room, holding my head down and my hands clenched together under my forehead.
"baby"
"don't. I just want a reason why it happened" 'tell me it's my fault, tell me I was too pushy lately, tell me you were tired of me'
"I'm sorry..." 'good enough.' I got up and walked towards the door again
"happy birthday" I closed the door behind me and walked off, stopping on a small bridge. Not high enough to end up with someone dead in an instant, but high enough that you might lose a few limbs.
"why can't I do it? Why am I clinging to life so much? I'm so pathetic....Is this my personal hell? always waiting for something good to happen? what a load of shit." without another word, I went back home and two months later, I became an adult. My family celebrated, but the only thing I wanted that day was to get wasted enough that I go in a coma, but I promised them that I'd only drink one can.
'it's better that I thought...Now I'm legal to do what I want, so dying as an accident doesn't sound that bad.'
It has been two months since then. Now I'm an University student and my brother moved. Perfect time to change my life for better. I used half of all of the money I had to buy a few bottles of sanitary alcohol and a few wines. I stopped the water flow from outside the house and looked at my final preparations.
"even now I'm still clinging. I can't say it's a bad way to go, I'll go doing what I love after all. Please let me become nothing."